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IT CURED SIM.
Some years ago v certain Methodist
.congregation on the Weit Side. Chicago,
was presided over by a minister who had
formerly held a pastorate in Springfield.
The preacher was a very good man,
but he subjected hlniselJ to severe criti
cism by constantly comparing his sur
roundings with those in Springfield.
Nothing was so nice as it was in Spring
field; the church was fine, but not so fine
as the Springfield church ; the congrega
tion was zealous, but it was not Spring
field zeal, and so on. all the time. Spring
field being perfected.perfection.
At last one of the sifters hit upon what
she thought might prove a remedy for her
pastor, so at the next "class" she gave
in her experiences.
"I have." said she, "found the path
dark and rough and at times have been
on the point of falling by the wayside and
giving up in despair: I have felt that my
earthly nature was uncongenial with that
heavenly one; I have been taught to seek
in the closest association, and there have
been seasons when I thought I should
never be able to reach that better land
lying beyond Jordan; but, brethren and
sisters, since our dear new pastor has
come among us. I feel to rejoice that al
though I may fall short of attaining the
Heavenly Kingdor bless the Lord, I
shall at least reach Springfield !'
The minister tel! the story on himself,
and acknowledges that it cured him.
What He Didn't Want.
Benevolent Young Man : "Do you need
any assistance, my boy?" .
B. Y. M. : "Why are you not better
. Boy: "D'ye think I want to boa dood?"
.Brother Gardner Views
"I hold in my uand," said Brother.
Gardner, as he opened the meeting, "a
petishun fronrMary Ann Johnsin of
. Missouri. She wants to be tooken into
ills club as a member. In rejectin' her
applicashun, I desiah to state fur de
benefit of womankind a few fundamental
'1. Woman am good 'nuff in her place.
"2. It am not her fault that she wasn't
bo'n fur a man.
"3. As a mombor of any organizashun
,Uko dls she am a kicker.
"4. When man has shown dat
Incompetent to run dis kentry, do woi
will be giben a show. I alius feel to ex
claim wid do orators, Bress do women !
But I also feel to bress 'om fur what dey
am, and not for what some of 'om want
" I hov sometimes sot down and won
- derod what wo should do widout 'cm. It
takes a woman's hand to make catnip
tea an' mustard piaster, an' to naro
'tutors. Sho kin doctor a soro too so
tenderly as to make you wish you had, a
broken leg. When you hov traded a
sioben dollar shotgun for a throo dollar
Jog, it am her soft words which sootho
"your throbbin soul.
'While you sleep she watches for
burglars. While you wako sho sews on
hind patches. While you toil an sweat
sho am plannin' how to turn your old coat
top to bottom an make a now garment.
De triio woman am an angel on roller
skates. As for de kind who spend deir
time wid gaddin' do streets an readin'
- luv stories an dis Mary Ann Johnsin
probably belongs to that olass do less
wo see of 'em de better. Let us now pur
ceod wid de reg'lar purceodings," De
troit Freo Press.
" - 4
Pancgry rlo or Paregorics.
Hobbs: "That was a beautiful pane
gyric Dr. Roberts delivered over the Morso
baby, wasn't it, Nobbsr"
Nobbs : " They only deliver panegyrics
over great men, Hobbs."
Hobbs: "Well, what In thunder would
you call that sermon over the baby,
then?" . T, V
Nobbs : " A parcgonc, I imagine Yos,
it was fine." Tidbits.
' A Michigan Milk Punch. -
yaw," said the passenger from Michi
gan, as he straightened up and jammed
the cork in and wiped his Hps, "yer
right, stranger, that's purty quick lik
kcr. It sarches out the right-spot tarnal
quick. It's right smart lively likker,
that Is. but it can't hold a candle to some
"milk I've bad on my farm Out to the oat
clearings near Jonesville."
"I thought mil: punch was a mild
Mcbbo 'tis the way city folks ..makes
it ruebbe 'tis. But 'tain't with us; no
islr&a. I wlih it was. -Tho Jasttimo I
-SmHJcad that old black and white cow of
Tnin8h.up with her leg an cave tho
paiLa-i- ms.a. milk punch vthat knooked
both of us Inio Ihe middle of next woek.
L CHICAGO XOSES.
"Who was Mose?,r asked a Sunday
" He was an ox driver," said the boy.
"An ox driver!" repeated the teacher.
" What put that idea into your head?"
"'Cause," replied the boy, "wuzn't he
found among the bull rushers?" Cali
Our artist illustrates this joke in a man
ner all his own. Never before did a Chi
cago driver appear in prophetic garb.
What Puzzled The Old Man.
"Now, Shakey, mine sohn," said a
dealer in cheap clothing to hi3 eldest
born. " I must righd avay by Buffalo go,
und I leaves der sdore und der beeznoss
in your handts. Dot vos a fine shance
for you, mine sohn."
Jake promised to endeavor to make a
good use of the chance.
" Und Shake, mine eohn, vile I was
avay you mlghd do a goot sdroke of
beczness hey? Cold vedder is comin'
on, und you must mark up all der goots
in der sdore.
" Den sdard a big bankrupt sale, and
make believe you sells dose goot feefty
per cent, oonder cost hey?
" Tell dose peoples dot der old man
runned away to shwindle his greditors,
und dose greditors stepped in und vant
to gif dose goots avay, almost hey !"
When tho old man returned from Buf
falo, ho was surprised to find tho btore
locked up, and was yet more surprised
when he learned that his hopeful son had
sold off everything and cleared out with
the entire assots of the establishment.
" How dot boy ofor learnt to be so dis
honest," sadly observed the old man, "is
more as vot I can't never make owet."
A Flat Yarn.
Ho: "My dear, we can't possibly take
this flat. Why, when our furniture is in
there won't be room for mo to walk around
mShe : " Nonswwe r-you aronot expected
to walk around' ina moderflat. When
you want to walk Awhafatorthe wtter with
out-doors?" ftf '
Reward or Keady Wit.
"Have you read tho 'Descent of
Man?'" asked Clara, looking over the
"No" said Georgo, a little timidly;
" don't care for it; but I'd like to get tho
assent of woman." 4 . . , . . 4 ,
It is currently reported that ho got it
tho very next Sunday night that ever -.vas."
Robert J. Burdettc.
A Dutiful Sob
Solid Father (to fast son): "Harry,
won't you stay at homo this evening?"
Fast Son: "Why?" it
S. F. : "Well, I kinder thought I'd like
to get acquainted with you."
F. S. (sympathetically): "Don't do it,
Gov., don't. I'd hate to cut you, and I'd
have to do it insido a week." Boston
Why Didn't lie Give a Sausage?
Guest (In cheap restaurant): "Very
much obliged, but I'm not an entomolo
gist." Proprietor (very much puzzled): "An
eng to what?"
Guest: "Entomologist. I have no
doubt this is a very rare bug which I
found in the pie, and this fly floating in
the coffee is, perhaps, the only specimen
in America "
Proprietor (in a whisper): "Don't
speak so loud ; you will ruin me."
Guest: "Is that so. Why, I thought
you wero giving them awaj- instead of
chromos, and I was merely about to men
tion that I'd prefer a small dog." Phila
Where She Was Weighed.
"Oh, Henry! you must send for the
doctor atonco. I believe I am getting the
dropsy. Now don't delay a moment."
Mr. Do Blank: "Why, what put that
idea into your head."
" Dear me ! Will you never bo satis-
fied that what I say is true? I got
weighed to-day, and, oh, it's awful, I
weighed 3Q0 pounds !"
"Awful ! Where did you get weighed?"
"Around at your coal yard."
"Calm yourself, my dear. Your weight
is exactly 150 pounds." Montreal Wit
ness. . ..
Too Much Chicory.
Mr3. Samuelson, of Dallas, recently
hired a colored woman who had no pre
vious experience in cooking. She was so
ignorant that she didn't even know how
to make tea, so Mrs. S. told her to make
t as sho did coffee, meaning for her to
A.at the tea in tho boiling water.
Whon tho tea camo on the table it was
" What have you been doing with this
." I dono'ha yer tola mo. Yer tole mo
ter ma"ko it as I did dc coffed," but I
blcovea I "put too much of do chicory."
Texas Sif tings.
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