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?ttle jOoctofs J^ook tells about a hver 5J>ILLS And Tonic Pellets. Only Modern Cure for Constipation. Biliousness and Liver Troubles. Frco at any :;torc. For sale by Charles Lyle Drug Co. Cushman 5 ? INHALER ^jsr Cures :>M iTOublcsofrhe Mi?mi&* CATARRH, HEADACHE, Rft A NEURALGIA. LaGfllPPE, \\ WILL CUR ,;\ ?iicer.lnjt, mulling, couching. > . IIKADACUK. Con ? 1 ?? ? ? ,tl?iicil use effects J rk'rv SUItHCUME. 1SED ft lilglicsl nieilicsl au? thorities of Kiirn|>? mill America tot COLOS.Sore Throat Ufiy Kovor, Uron ehitla, Lu grippe. The iiieal Refreshing. MILI Healthful III.I 1(1 HBADAOHH Sufier liiMiuula ....Ji worthless Imitations. 'Ink.IvCUSHMAN'S. I'riri-.SOc.ntull Druggists, or moiled free. AkciiIs wanted, tt'su MAN'S MtiiTKni RAI M l?"i|luce; nonilerful cures of D" I.Ill 8lllt Rhuum. Old SoroH. Cuts. Wounds, Burna, Krontblten. Kxcebj ?II other remedies for PILES. Price 28o, :il Druggists. Boolean Menthol free. Address Cushmnn Monu focturinK Co., No. 324 Dearborn Street, OJimuu Building), CHICACO, "<? nXCKSNKS, IMi. era. Urines SI iin-l Nervous 1 Easily, Quickly, Permanently Restored. y-t WeaU-neaa, Nervonsneaa, SJoMIlty, and all the trala 0'?.t.<',rx of evils from early orrora or ) later excesses, the results of overwork, slckueis. worry, etc. Full Strength, devel? opment and tone given to )everyorp:an und portion of the bod y. Simple, nat re/i Ci^r.\unro ural methods. ImmcdL /IW I \ W'll ate Improvement eeon. Falluro impossible. ?.000 roferencos. Boofc, explanation and proofs mailed <isea.led) fro*. ERIE MEDICAL CO., Buffalo, O. POiiR I 10,000 I IK. Hollil Uolil I'latcil rnQQ . WATCHES with Elegant Chain 17PPP I Charm to Match. rttrSE ! v.m.i i:, *ir>.m>. ai:i: YOU MAM). i.orri liter's Kx eelsior Hair Korcrr positively produces, s luxuriant growth of hull on the bald eat head, rapidly cure* bald patches, scanty partim;*, >x balr Tallinn, thin _ J eyebrow* and eye nun/.?a tun innnri 10 lashes, and restores Bl.'*'OHICANDAr'T8HL.-.h. gr4y nalr t0 or|gi. nal color. Absolutely forces whisker* and mous tacbea on the l moot heat face at myag*. Price f l.UU per bottle. Sold by lt. V. LORKIMKR ? CO., 11)05 I'enuaylvanla Ave , Biltimorc, Md. HEAD OUlt Git AND OFF Kit! DON'T MISS this CHANCE. '1 ?v? TO I NTKODUGB Lorrlmar's Excelsior Hais* Forcer. These B 8 A H T 1FUL watches an: sold in Jowclry stores at (10 to $1B, hnt, in order to advertise our goods and get new cistomcrs, we. will sen?oue Watch (lady's or gent's sl/.e) ABSOLUT M.T vukk to yon if yon comply with the terms of our G?hl Watch OfTor. it you want one, send f l.bu for a large bottle of Lorrlmer'a Excel? sior II sir Forcer and we will scud our Gold Watch Offer at same Um?. Wk rend the Watch by regis? tered mail and guarantee safe delivery to you When you get the beautiful watch wc shall expect you to tell your friends, as we. want to build up our business In vuiir locality. Send this ad? vertisement and f 1 01) to K. V. LOH HIM Kit .v, CO. 1005 Pennsylvania Ave , Hal I h! I.. i??? Im.-lUil OlatnOIld llr.lnl. PENNYROYAL PILLS 0i Original and Only Genuine. b*ic, al*?y? rdlmbte. l?d ir.it ?it DramM r..r Chtehfttft FtufUk />.< n I Brand In Krd and Ml nirl?lll?\ > i. .iilwl with t-lu>- rlM*m. Take no oi licp. Kifntt, .u'.ififu. imifaOo.n. At liruitgiat., or trni 4c ?tsan* for ptrtleaUrt, intiiaonkw ml Krllcf for I.?'II, ?.- m I'l rr. tj return r Mnll. 10,000 I -.,v?.,./??,.,, i:hlrhr>terChcmlcull'o.,Uudl> ??iS tir mi urn Urvccuu. i'l I-,". Mi,uu>'.<, l-iiiiuau.. THE STORY OF A JOKE. " '" Two B!etl Made It, but Another Follow Clot I'alil For It. Tito managing editor of a now dead nnd forgotten newspaper was an admirer of humor. Wit hour a spark of it in his own composition, ho had learned in his long newspaper oxporieuco that n ju dioion8 injection of wit and fancy mailt* o paper popular. Ho learned the lesson earlier than the other editors in the town, ami his was tho first paper to en? liven its pages with bits of humor. Tho "old man" recognized his own incapac? ity in the matter of jokes. He knew that thousands laughed at things that seem? ed foolish and Hat to him. When ho started using humorous matter, ho hired u young man to supervise tho prepara? tion and publication of thestulf. Know? ing absolutely nothing about jokes and jokers, ho employed a man who had made a reputation among other peoplo by his work on an eastern funny paper. Tho young man had a brilliant i<loa. He offered a reward of $2.50 for every original joke brought in by members of tho stuff. Tho "old man" backed him up?nothing was too expensive if it sold papers. The result of the prize offer was a remarkable outpouring of alleged wit. One in IUI caught tho fever the first day. Timidly ho went to tho professional humorist. "Do you buy jokes here:" ho asked. Tho humorist took the proffered pa? per from tho new mau's hand und read it. "Yes," ho said, and handed back tho paper. Tho newcomer retired crestfallen. Immediately following this passage at arms Frank Walsh, tho best hearted fel-" low in the offlco, scribbled a few lines on a sheet of paper and handed it to tho professional humorist. Without a word the latter wroto out an order on tho cosher for $2.50. Tho other members of tho staff wondered at tho occurrence, and watched the paper for the appear? ance of tho joke. It was not published, and after a feW days the boys began to ask about tho witticism the editor had paid for and did not use. Finally Walsh told them what it was. Here it is: "Young Man (handing paper to edi? tor)?Do you buy jokes In r. i? "Editor (returning paper)?Wo do. " ?Chicago Chronicle. WANTED TO BORROW HIM. Tho Queer Request Two Women ?:??lo oml the Kcksoii Therefor. A genial Philadelphias, who for ob? vious reasons does not care in have his name printed ou this occasion, secured a parlor car scat on an express train for Reading a few days ago, and as lie was about to pass through the gales was sur? prised to hear himself accosted in femi? nine tones with the somewhat startling question, "Plcaso, mister, could 1 bor? row you fur awhile?" Looking around, he found two buxom women, who hastily ami hesitatingly explained that they were riding on a pnss made out in tho name of a gonilo mnu and his wife, and, as the gentlo man was not present, they wanted tho genial looking citizen to place his bought ticket at the disposal of onolady and take the other one under his wing, While he personated the absent owner of the pass. "Which is my wife?" he inquired, with an inward qualm, lest his own ab? sent hotter half should ever hear tho fitory. "Yon can take your choice, sir,"said tho lady in search of sin escort, and ho promptly did so by tucking tho arm of tho younger fair one under his own and leading her into the car. The couple proved to he right jolly traveling com? panions, and tho citizen's only regret in the transaction was due to a fear that tho story might leak out and get homo ahead of him. lint it didn't.?Philadel? phia Record. Whimsical Father Seliaubel. Father Schaubcl, who died a few years ago, was well past his eightieth year. Ho was another dead in earnest Christian. A good many years ago his workmen, while hauling earth from oiio of his lots, encroached ou one of mine, und I spoke to him about it. He. threw up his hands in a surprised way and exclaimed, "Tho whole earth is made of dirt, and shall wo quarrel about a wheelbarrow load <if itx" Ho had a strong German accent. A short time ho foro he died I mot him on tho street and said. "Well, Father Seliaubel, how do yon lind yourself:" "1 find mysolf ncJi ty-four years alt," ho replied. "And how do yon like it." "Ach, vidi, vo must be satisfied." That was a favorite maxim with him, tobe satisfied?that is, contented. Ho was a gardener. Ono year there was, lor some reason, a great scarcity of tomatoes, and lie had a huge crop. In reply to a question what ho was getting lor them, he replied: "Two dollar und fifty COUtS a bushel here in do field. Aii, veil, vo must ho satis lied. "?Chicago Interior. The Origin of "Stougltton liottlo." Did it ever occur to you to wonder Whore tho expression "Stougliton bot? tle" came from? Senator Palmer used it tho las', time I saw him and I asked him about it. "Why," said he, "it comes from a certain Stoughton's hitters tlmt used to be very popular when I was a hoy. StOUghtOli's bitteis was a sort of table sauce, very weak and tasteless, and real? ly useless. So when anybody stood Mound as useless as a bottle of Stotigh t-Hi's bitters on a dinner table peoplo got to saying that ho was a Stonghton bpt tlo, until as an expression for general ghiftloSsiicss it came to be an accepted term."?Washington Post. Cause For Thanks, Schoolmaster?Johnny, can you tell mo anything you have to be thankful fur during the past quartor? Johnny (without hesitation) ? Yes, sir. Schoolmaster?Well, Johnny, what is it? Johnny?Why, w hen yon broko your urm you couldn't lick us for two mouths.?London Answer. WHAT AN EDITORIAL! In the Lafayette (Ind.) Daily Call. The Kdltor of This Newspaper Tolls a Strange Story ami Vouches For Its Absolute Truth aud Accuracy?Proml ueuco of I'sper an<t StartliuK Natuio of Knots Make Article of Vast Iutercst to the Public. "Jacob J. Roitomelor," Bays the Lafayette (Ind.) Daily Call of January 18, tbo well known compositor in the Call nows room, son of ono of our oldest and beat known German citizens, has a daughter just three years old last Satur day, who almost from her birth has beon alllloted with epical meningitis, and has just experienced a recovery which is littlo short of miraculous "Mr. and Mrs. Reitemeier were throe years ago mado the proud parents ot twin Bisters, one of whom died on the 5th of June two years ago, with spinal meningitis. The latter part of the same month her surviving twin Bister was attacked with the disease in a most aggravated form. The family had the constant services throughout the whole summer of some of our best phy? sicians, three ot whom in turn examined and attended the case. The child was unable to walk, almost unable to move, and entirely helpless. "The physicians, one and all, agreed that the case was hopeless, that nothing could be done for this child. The.r opinion was that sho would never bo cured, and probably would soon die. Frcm everything done for her she ex? perienced no benefit, and the physicians, oandidly stating that they could do nothing for the cure of tbe child, were dismissed, and beyond mild domestic treatment, rubbing with alcohol, etc., to alleviate immediate symptoms, noth* lng was done for her, and the Bad hearted parents only waited the sum bqodb, wnich tbev felt must soon come, for her final release from her alll ctlons. "Thus matters went on for about a year, the little one changing, If at all, only for the worse, and steadily but suroly going down. One year .this month, Mr. Reitemeier informs us, at? tracted by the advertisement of Dr. Greene's Nervura blood and nervo remedy, in the Call, be and bis wifo llnally concluded to try It, though with very slender hopes of deriving any benefit. There was a decided Improve? ment In the child's condition with the uso of the t\rst bottle, which con? tinued during the second, and before tho third bottle was ell used the child was able to walk upright, and appar? ently cured. Thereupon the uro of the medicine was discontinued, and baa not beon resumed. "In tht> year which has alnce elapsed the child has grown to be as fat and healthy and active a little one as any paront need wish to see, and Mr. and Mrs. Reitemoler Bay they feel beyond a doubt that the uso of Dr. Greene's Norvura blood and nerve remedy saved her lifo. Tbe case is certainly a very remarkable one, and the well-known and reliable character of tbe parties giyes it especial importance and signifi? cance." This is Indeed a most wonderful cure, and a great triumph for Dr. Greene's Nervura, and curing as It did In tbe Daily Call's ofllclal family, the fact will have the greatest weight in influencing all who are slok or ailing to use this truly marvelous restorer of health. This grand remedy Bhould not be classed with ordinary riatent medloines, as it is tho dlecovory of a successful physician who has the largest practice In the world among nervous and chronic diseabos, Dr Greene, of 35 West 14th street, New York city, lie can be con? sulted without charge in regard to any case, personally or by letter, by all who uso tho medicine. He Your Own Doctor. For one dollar get a bottle of Mayers' Magnetic Catarrh Cure. It will last for throe months and 1b absolutely guaran? teed by your druggist. Doctors say tho only way to cure Catarrh and Hay Fever Is by inhalation. Wo have worked for yoars to accomplish a good aimplo method for inhaling med? icine, and oiTor Mayers' Magnetic Ca? tarrh Cure, which la used by this new method, to tho public, and guarantee it tocure any case, no muter of bow long standing. Ono bottle is all you nood to accomplish a euro. It will last for three months. Ask your druggist or addreBS. Tin: Mayers Drug Co. Speech lie-stored. For five years I suffered with pain and dlioharge of tbo throat, hacking cougb, frontal headache, weak eyes, etc., at times ; could not talk above a whisper ; lost weight continually, '.and not able to be at work. I waa troated by the best physicians In tho country, but re? ceived no relief. After giving up all hope I waa recommended to uae a bettle of Mayers' Magnetic Catarrh Cure. After ualng It for four weeks my epoech re? turned. All symptoma of catarrh have disappeared and "I feel like a different person." Mrs. Elias Handwerk, Elk Lick, Somerset Co., I'a. For aalo at Masaie's Pharmacy. Wanted. An energetic, pushing man to repre? sent an instalment bouse selling house* bold specialties in Roanoko and vicinity. Highest commliaiona paid; A l references required. AddreasGATEi.Y & FiT/.GKitALi), 1025 Market street, Philadelphia, Pa. "WHOLE down in the Southweatern part ot tbe State Borne time ago," says Mr. W. Chalmers, editor of tho Cblco (Cal.) Enterprise, "I had an attack of dysentery. Having heard of Chamber? lain's Colic, Cholera and Diarrhoea Remedy I bought a bottlo. A couple of doees of it completely cured me. Now i am a champion of that remedy for all stomach and bowel complaints." For aalo by The Chaa. Lyle Drug Company. Ik yon want the cheapest fuel lntbe city buy W. K. Andrews St Co.'a aoral bltumlnoua red ash coal. Utile?, olQ Salem avonue, THE OLD CHURCH BELL."" nigh up o'i-r tiu> heads of tho peoplo That pass Mho vague ships on tho strcot, It hangs iu its home iu the steeple. That throbs with the wind's rhythmic beat. What hoods it tho world or its noises? What reeks it of tratlle's loud din? Of tours or the clamor of voices That speak of the light hearts within? Enough that its duty i.< ringing In every condition of weather; Enough, that its mission is bringing Tho spiritual household together; ,. Enough that it strikes for the hours That speed in a ne'er ending chain, ; And chimes over nuptial Dowers, ri And tolls Tor tlie funeral train. Enough that it speaks to tho mothera ? In clear, unmistakable tones. Anil fatln^s and sistoro anil brothers, From all the earth's populous zones; Enough that it brings to the altar The ones who have strayed from the truth, As well as the weak ones who falter Jliil trials unknown in their youth. So there, while tho pale stars are marching, And rivers roll on to the sea. Anil heaven's blue vault is o'orarching, Tho bell in its belfry will be, Anil then, when its mission is ended, Anil turned is the last burial sod, Its echoes full toned will bo blended With trumpets that call us to God. ?Alfred Ii. Ilosb-Uey. A PLOT FOILED. I must begin ?11 over again tho weary, hcari breaking search for work. No em? ployment uf mine scoinod to last long. Al? ways n new slrii|;i;li' to obtain my daily bread lay darkening boforo me. Hut tint month was unfavorable. At. the beginning of August work, at any rate in London, is scarce. 1 looked over the advertisements in the penny morning papers, but could lind nothing which even promised well. One afternoon, however, I obtained the loan of The Times, and in it I found tho following advertisement: Wanted.?Cultured lady (under 90 preferred) to take charge of valuable domestic pot dur? ing owner's absence in country; caretaker loft in house; liberal honorarium. Apply to? day (Friday) to Mine. Eubrun, -. And bore followed the address of a house in one of tho old fashioned Squares in tho north of London. An omnibus landed me within nliout ten minutes' walk of the square. * The exterior of the bouse which I was Booking was at first Bight plain; then 1 saw that the handles of the bells WOru of sphinxes' beads and each knocker ti brouzu cat's head. An old manservant asked me my busi? ness, and on hearing it admitted me with? out a moment's hesitation. A bronze sphinx stood sentinel on cither side of the great chimney piece, nnd tho walls were covered with paintings such as are found iu Egyptian tombs. lint all was changed when the wide door of the drawing i.m was thrown open. Here was France; France of tho beginning of the century was seen in the deep crim? son satin hangings; b'randoof today in the small wood lire which smoldered on the hearth, for the evening was chill, in tho varnished hoards and in the very places of the furnll tiro. My attention was fixed by a figure standing in the middle of the room. The liguro was small, slight and fragile, tlraped In long gray folds am! crowned by a bushy mass of gray hair. Its arm was out? stretched, and on the wrist sal perched an old iparrot. This old bird nnd its older mistress seemed to understand each other perfectly. "1 called, mailainc." I began when seat? ed, "in answer to your advertisement which I sttw in Tho Times this morning'." "Ah! nin fol, yes. 'Dint announcement ?what trouble it has given nie! Von can? not figure to yourself the persons I have seen today who all declared themselves 'ladies of cultivation.' Hut for you, made? moiselle, it is a different thing. I could not leave you alone in this great bouse; you arc loo young, too pretty. It would? how shall I say it:-?it would walk out of the conveniences." "1 implore you, inadamo, not to let con? siderations like these influence you. I am entirely dependent on my work, and there is so little work 1 can do." "Ali, WO shall see. My doctors ti ll mo I must positively ho vo a change of air. My parrot, Gustave, like other old people ?for he is older still than I?cannot, bear to bo deranged In his habits, lie is mis? erable if he quits this house. I cannot leave hilll to servants, so I thought It I could get some lady to see to him, to talk to him during my two months' absonci? Gustavo, dosl thou think thoucouldst stay wii h nuidumoisolla?" Gustave, with great solemnity, fluttered to the lloor and. to my alarm, began sol? emnly hopping round me in ever lessening circles. At last he stopped in front of me, nnd looking; straight up into my fare omitted a sound like drawing a cork and screamed mil in a high, fast, monotonous shriek: "Pretty girl, pretty girl) Don't cry, my dear. Don't like Iroing kissed? That's what pretty girls arc made for. IIa! ha I ha!" Mine. LcbrtlU Was apparently quite sat? isfied, and then and there we settled our business arrangements, salary, which was indeed liberal, included. As 1 rose to go Mine. LobrttU said: "Two last injunctions I must give you. You will not, will you, leave Gustavo for more than two hours at a time? And you must, not permit him to go into the cel? lars, mademoiselle. He is a curious bird. Ho belonged, (is did this bouse, to M. Bcckford," "The great Book ford, tho author of ' Vat lick ?' " I cried. "Ah, you have heard of him? Yes, to him. My mother routed the bouse from him." A week after found ino comfortably es? tablished in the bouse, In the earn of the old manservant and his wife, who I found Wits a sitporcxccllent cook. One day thu manservant asked me if be and his wife might go that evening to some family gathering and festivity to which they were bidden. I gladly consent? ed. At (') o'clock they left me. I was ab? sorbed in a book and hardly noticed what happened till the clock ou the mantelpiece chimed 7. "Gustavo," I called. No answer. I searched in vain for him. Then conviction Hashed across mo. He had run away into the cellars. I took a candle and it box of matches and slat-led on my quest, down, down, through the hall, the kitchen, till I reached the great VOllltod cellars. I went through them, guided by tho sound of Gustavo chattering and swearing excitedly. At last, in the farthest vault of all, I found him. He was hopping excitedly round and round in iv circle in the middle of the floor. Suddenly, as I sprang after him, I felt the paved lloor beneath my feet tremble. The stone on which 1 stood was giving? turning. 1 sprang ott it, unconsolously giving it a further impetus a- I d! ' ;o it II Fry everything from potato chips to doughnuts in Cottolene. P Put Cottolene in a cold pan?heat it slowly until it will deli ij cately brown a bit of bread in half a minute. Then put in |j your food. It will pay you to try Cottolene just this way? |j see how delicious and wholesome it makes the food. ? (lot tho genuine, sold everywhere In one, three, unit llvo pound tins, with trutlc-tnarks Kj ? "Cottolene' unit steer'* head in cotton-plant wreath?on every tin. ?1 THE N. It. PAUIBANIC COMPANY, ST. L.OUIS aniH UICAUO. BSr*T*Y,T?i??TmT^^ -~ turned half round, leaving n hlnck vault lit my foot, up which nn Icy wind blow suddenly and extinguished my light. At Inst I lighted my candlo, and Blind? ing tho llnino with iny hand from tlio draft I looked into tho blackness nt my foot. I saw n flight of worn stops winding downward, and from below sounded tbo honrse laugh of Gustavo. At Inst 1 reached tho bottom. Ueforo mo was nnnrohwny, still hung with dusty, tattered fragments of what had once been heavy portieres. Hound the arch 1 could distinguish an Inscription in high, blood red letters. Slowly 1 deciphered It, "Fait oo quo voudras." I shuddered! I pushed on ami stood at last in a vast, vaulted ball. Hy my dim light 1 saw a great table whoro lay musty remnants of a long dead orglo. Masks ami tattorod, moldy dominoes worn scattered about in wild profusion, chairs overset and pushed back. Apparently!* sudden interruption hud broken up tho feast. Thou a ghastly imitation of a human voice struck my ear. It was Gustave. To kiss with tbe maid when tho mistress la kind. Relieve mo, yon always are loath, sir; But it the maid's fairest the oath doesn't bind. Or?you may, if you like it, kis.i IxjUi, sir. This, then, was tho meaning of his wish to constantly roam about the cellars. Ho hnd enjoyed many a revel in this horrible hall, and lie could not believe that the. good old time was dead forever. Suddenly tho sound of footsteps and hoarse voices approaching struck my ears. Who was coming, ami on what dark or rand, to that dreadful placet I seized one of I lie moldy dominoes Which were scattered about, wrapped it round mo, concealed Gustavo in it under my arm, blow out my light and crept be? neath tho great table just in time. A rough voice cried: "Aye, here the plnco is, just as Cart wright thought. There's room enough for stuff here to blow up all London. Tho chief will bo pleased at this." And then to.my horrified ears was re? vealed a plot, sheltered tinder t lie sacred names ot liberty and freedom, a plot which showed tho ingenuity of satati himself. I lay still as death. Mercifully at last the tension became too grant, and I fainted, When I camo to myself, all was dark and still again. 1 crept out from the table and struck a match. This roused Gustavo, who apparently had boon sleeping off his oxcitouiont, und unhesitatingly he Mutter? ed to the ground ami hopped through tho right archway. Exhausted as 1 was, I Instantly went to Scotland Yard antl told them what I had heard. England was saved from a disaster which would have brought her enemies (looking like vultures around her, and tho world from a crime which would have Stained tho hook of fate with a record black as death. ) I quickly recovered my usual strength? but yet I awoke next morning with a pre? sentment of misfortune, a foreboding of ovll. Too well was this justilii'd. Tho excitement of visiting his old haunt had proved too much for Gustavo. Tho parrot was dead; my occupation was gone. The police searched the winde of tho un? derground purt of tho square. The origin of it was, so far as can bo discovered, as follows: Many years ago the now half deserted Square was a fashionable center in Lon? don, and a certain noble earl, famed in history for his fearful deeds and his wild life, inhabited a great liouso which formed one side of it. Under tho squnro, so said rumor, ha excavated a great subterranean hall. Enough that the tradition of tho plnco still lingered, and on his return from Italy, Hook ford hoard of It. It touched his whimsical imagination, and he bought the house subsequently rented by the mother of Mine. Lcbrun, or Mile., us she should rather have been called. Tho anarchists had found the hall through one of their members telling, when they were looking for some sat'o plnco to store their explosives, that ho re? membered his falber, who had been a mason, hud told him that as a lad he had been employed in mending a High) of stone steps in a house in the squnro, which .steps led to a great subterranean hall. Tho house indicated was to let, they took it, antl but for I lie wonderful chances of Gustavo on that night escaping to tho cellars, and of my accidentally treading on I he secret spring of tho turning stone, their designs would In time have been ac? complished.?St rand Magazine. ' A VICTIM TO ETIQUETTf*. An Artist's Uiicoiufortnblo Experience at a ltoyal Banquet In Korea. Tho rigid etiquette which prevails in Korea as to coromonions banquets is in? convenient for strangers, whose un? trained appetites uro scarcely up to tho Korean standard. An artist, making u stay in Seoul, was bidden to a royal feast at the king's palace, to his mingled joy and despair. Ignorant of native cus? toms, ho appealed to Mr. G., tho Eng? lish consul, to guido him through tho ordeal. Tho ono thing impressed upon him was this: "It is a groat insult to re fuso what is offered yon at table and r. greater insult not to eat all that is on your plate." Wo all sat down gayly, and tho feast began. All the products of tho country Boomed to havo been cooked and put be? fore me, including meats, lish, honoy, sweets, vegetables and sauce.-, of which, mind you, WO hud to cat ."mountains" piled on our plates. Young pigs, in tho puppy slide, were also there and were much appreciated by my princely enter? tainers. When 1 .vas but half way through, however, not being provided with an i ever cxpatuliuif Ci.7cativo armaxutua. lihT' my friends of Clio-son, I really ~folt*as if I w?ro snft'ocating. I raised my eyes pleadingly to Mr. G-., bnt ho shook his head sternly. Tho serv? ants, seeing mo hesitate, plied mo bus? ily with potatoes, barley, millet and at least hah? a bushel of beans. After vainly praying for courage and dexterity to slide tho food under tho table I mode despcrato inroads upon tho heaped up vegetables. Onco again I rolled my eyes in dumb entreaty toward tho consul, who onco again shook his head, this timo with a sardonic grin which made mo determine to get through tho feast somehow, but in silence. After this I was treated to lily bulbs and radishes dipped in tho vilest of sauces, besides a largo portion of a pup? py pig roasted and fruit iu profusion, With foreign and mttivo wines. At length, when I felt that with tho next mouthful I should groan aloud, tho end was reached. That unhappy meal begiui at noon and was brought to n closo at 7 p. m. To thoso who appreciate tho pleasuro of eating, let mo recommend a royal Korean dinner. No pen can describe tho agonies I endured as I was carried homo in my green sedan chair. For -days I scarcely ato a mouthful, and to this day tho sight of a puppy pig is unbearable, ?Youth's Companion. A CAT AND DOG TEASER. The Schein?' ?>f mi OrmiK?' County Man With a I'ull of Milk and an Electric Battery. "I've got a great scheme," said an in? genious Orange county man. "There'sno patent on it either, It is just a cat and dog teaser, and it beats anything I ever saw for the purpose I got an old stovo zinc and laid it OU the ground near tho back door. Then I put a wooden bucket of milk on the zinc. In the kitchen I'vo got a battery of two gallon colls and a 4 inch coil, with a vibrating circuit break? er. One wire is connected to tho zino plato, and the other terminates in a piece of nn tal in the milk. You just ought to seo tho offect. A cat comes uloug, smells tho milk and goes for it. She just touches the milk with her whiskers and looks puzzled when tho slight, tingling shock is fen. Then she returns to tho attack and touches her tongue to tho surface of tho milk. Her hair rises then, and she omits a yowl of rage or pain 08 she springs away from tho pail and thou turns to look back at it. I have seen tho samo cat take two shocks within as many minutes and then act as if she wanted to try it again, but didn't daro to. "With dogs it is different. Tho dog steps upon the zinc, lops his long tongrio into tho milk and then throws a back somersault. Ho wants no more after that, but tucking his tail between his logs streaks out of tho yard as quickly 08 possible. If you vvant to try it, you needn't use a whole pail of milk. Just toko a crockery dish, and it will answer just as well. Milk is cheap up our way, yon know, and I took tho first thing that came handy. "?New York Sun. THE NEW CHILD. It Is a Dreadful Lit tic Animal, Port nod Precocious. "A is not an article," remarked a child the other day to her mother, who was helping her with her school lesson. "Fancy your not knowing that it's a distinguishing adjective 1" We asked a small schoolgirl tho other day if sho learned astronomy. "Astronomy! Of course not! That's an infant's subject," sho answered, with great contempt. "Have yon read Pope's 'Essay on Man'/' " wo inquired lately of a girl of 13. "Pope! Why, nobody thinks any? thing of him nowadays," sho replied. "Do you know Milton's 'Paradiso Lost?' " "Oh, wo got beyond that long ngo." Tho worst of a childish dictum of this sorlisthat you fool yourself so absolute? ly quenched. There is no getting any further in tho argument, for uopighend< edness equals tho pigheadedness of the vory young porson?in fact, of the new child. And then he?or she?is never amused with tho simple games that used to delight us. Modern children uro will? ing to play if only to please their oldcrs, but they aro mildly and politely bored. They aro bored with most things. They have 20 picture books where wo had ono ?nono of your garish, Crude illustra? tions, but testhetio designs, and yot they don't seem to caro about them. There is a good story of how an old gentleman with much toil and tronblo manufactured a largo kito for his small grandson. Ho and another old friend, with tho boy, went out to fly tho kite. The two old men were deeply engrossed, but the grandson got so bored that ho quietly absented himself, and after somo time tho two old fogies found to their disgust that they had been larking about all alone with a kite, much to the amusement of tho passorsby. And an? other story?of a little girl of S who said to her mother (an authoress), "Oh, mumsey, why not call your new book 'Tho Rod of Love?' "?does not ring quite pleasantly. Ah, Thero is i something terribly unchildish about tho , "uow child!"?Now York Times.