Newspaper Page Text
vjW LBLBSh jHKTI'i IBvOSmHrll 1 '" e WMk' KgSk iJgw
MfeO" fWJs !
agrgggggpr- sa&riiut,. .str &r. j -iWk -
"We can trace many of our sins to
Adam." said tho breakfast philosopher,
"but there Is one that we cannot."
"What may that be?" naked tho lint
"Walking around with hands In our
Dill A man wouldn't oxpcct to bo
cheated In church; now, would ho?
Jill No, not unlaw ho was married
Lady Did .you ever feel as though you'd like to work?
Tramp Yes'm. I wouldn't mind being a lineman for a wireless tolc
Hannibal lined up his elephants and
then arranged his army behind them.
"Our lino Is heavy enough." ho
mused. "And our back field Isn't so
light, either," ho added as ho glanced
bt the black Carthagcnlans.
Then ho gave tho signal and plowed
through tho Roman right guard for a
"Mammy," said tho little Georgia
pickaninny. "Ah's heahd tell ob deso
heah autymobllcs so much. What do
dcy look lak?"
"Do goodness only knows!" re
sponded his mother, "but Ah Bpecs
dey looks lak do oV Nick. Ah'vo
hcah'd dey all hab horns."
A Getaway Artist.
"Fly with me!" pleaded the ardent
"But," said tho dubious maiden, "I
am afraid that they will corao after
"Let them," he exclaimed in dis
dain; "I know my business. I was
with Kouropatkln in Manchuria."
"I'm afraid," said tho senior part
ner, "this new stenographer won't
"Why not?" asked tho Junior part
ner. "She has no Judgmont. Sho writes
my lettors Just ns I dictato 'cm
grammar and all."
"Tho landlady is Just hopping mad
at old man Sharp."
"What is tho trouble now?"
"Old man Sharp tasted the butter
yesterday at dinner and suddenly
reached over and handed the landlady
two tickets to tho pure-food show."
"Boy," said the cautious old lady,
"how many peoplo aro In that ele
vator?" "Six," chuckled tho boy, "and If you
got in it will remind mo of a card
"What card game, boy?"
' Art Criticism.
Undo Josh Thoro wns ono of them
Jandscapo palntors around hero yoster
day. Undo Silas Well, landscapo paint
ing ought to bo a good, healthy occu
pation. It kcops a man out of doors
an' give him plenty of frosh air.
Please Ask a Policeman.
Tho man who doesn't know enough
to look sobor whon a girl says that
sho is mado with him Is sadly inex
perienced. Boston Globe.
But Just suppose tho girl Is mnd
with him because ho can't look sober?
"What has becorao of Halfback's
hnlr?" asked the man with the ma
"Haven't you heard?" asked his
friend. "Why, his team matched a
lady football club and tho ladles lost."
Littlo George Aw, why can't I bo
somothlng besldo ordinary?
Mother What's tho matter now 7
Littlo George A now kid como to
school to-day an' his cars ain't alike.
Let Her Down Easy.
Sibl "Mr. Joshcm complimented
mo on my Intellectuality tost night.
What do you suppose he meant by
Phyllis "Oh, It was a pollto way ot
admitting that ho hadn't tho norve to
call you n bonuty."
Ho It is n serious matter when
love comos into a man's life.
She Yes, especially when It Isn't
Counts In the Indictment.
"One argument for allowing tho
seals to bo exterminated Is that they
eat largo quantities of fish."
"Dut the best reason Is that they
furnish tho raw material for expen
sive garments and cat up money wo
can't afford to spend. Confound their
.' Before and After Sleeping.
Bailey What tlmo woro you up
Galley Four o'clock.
Bailey What! Do you moan to say
you got up at that hour7
Galley Oh, when did I get up7
That's different. Half-past 11.
Blnks I wonder why Jones never
succeeded. He's a vory persevering
Jinks That's his trouble. Ho perse
veres in trying to pick up a penny,
while a big round dollar Is rolling
right past him.
Drummer So Bacon Rldgo is a vory
moral town, eh?
Postmaster Gosh, yes. Why, tho
citizens won't cvon lot their elder
work on Sunday.
Sho Did you ovor play tootbaliY
Ho No, but I onco got caught In
Hickory It's an awful thing to pro
pose to a girl seriously and then havo
her throw you down!
Slippery Well, you shouldn't havo
proposed to hor seriously;, then sho
would havo accepted you.
Smytho I should think those mo
tormon would got somo awful electric
shocks now and then.
Browno Woll, I don't soo how.
They ara non-conductors, you know."
Hero's ti description of that de
faulting cashier: 'About 4G jenra old,
height G feet S, rnther stout, blue eys,
prominent teeth, Incllnod to bulJ
"He'll soon bo caught. It should be
easy to locate n man with stout blue
eyes and teeth with n little hair on
"Do you mean to toll me that you
voted for this administration?"
"I do," answered Colonel Jnrcers.
"It wns under this administration, air,
thnt tho experiments were conductod
bowing tho extent to which imported
liquor Is adulterated, thereby, proving
tho superiority, sir, of our native moon
shine article." Washington Star.
Son of His Father.
Poplelgh "My wife has a book in
which iho records all the bright thlugt
our baby gets off."
Snilthklus "Why I had no Idea tho
Uttlo fellow wns old enough for that
sort or thing."
Poploigh "Oh, yes. Ho repeats
everything ho hears mo say."
Knew His Ways.
Protty Parlor Mnld "Thoro Is a
gentleman nt the door, ma'am."
Mistress 'Did hu give you hl3
Protty Parlor Maid "No, ma'am;
but ho Insisted on giving mo n kfss. '
Mistress "Oh, that is my brothor
Jack. Lot him In."
Tommy Had Upset the Ink.
Tommy Ma, lend mo a lead none!'.
Mother 1 Just left pen and Ink on
the parlor tablo for you. What do you
want with a pencil?
Tommy I want to ".rJte to tho edi
tor of the paper to act him what'll
tnko ink stains out of the parlor car
pet. No Occasion for Alarm.
Percy Moneybags (who is doping
with Deacon Poorman's daughter)
Darling, what II your father should
She Don't worry about that, Porcy.
Pa has gone ahead to have tho preach
er in readiness.
"Now, dear," said Mr. Polkley, who
had Just been accepted, "whon shall
1 speak to you father?
"You needn't bother," replied the'
dear girl, "Pa said ho'il speak to you
to-morrow It you didn't speak to me
"But you may discover tho Polo
joursolf," suggested his friend.-
"Oh, no," said tho leader of tho re
Hot expedition. "I shall bo qulto sat
isfied If I discover tho man who went
to discover tho Pole."
After the Scrimmage.
"Was Tommy hurt badly, Jack?"
"I guess not. Ho hasn't com
plained." "What does ho say?"
"Nothing. Ho hasn't come to yet."
tho crush around a bargain counter
Misrepresenting the Facts.
Harry I hoar Tom la going to
loavo off drinking and marry an heir
ess. Dick That's Just the way facts got
twistod. Ho is going to keop ob
drinking and marry a snnko charmer
Sho Womon may gossip some
timos, but they hnvo bottor control ol
their tongues than men havo.
Ho You are right. Men havo na
control whatever of women's tonguo
Won-an's Mcsl Dang: reus Weapon.
As If the ei wtre r.ot a w .i'' n
with which pfry joung woman n .il
u .uly expert, certain rules fur an o
ill 111 have recently been promul(sti d
II poems that tho beauty of a wnmnu i
nrln lies not so much In their nhap
and color ns In tho way she uses
ilirm. Hence long list of dtnetlom
fur -otating them so that the muscles
may be beat trained. Man never
knows when ho la safe. Boston
Malay Marriage Laws.
The Malay la allowed lour wives,
hut he la too wise to take the limit
simultaneously or to be on with the
new before lie la off with the old;
and though ho may divorce and ie
place without much dlfncuUy, the
women also have privileges, hieh. In
the better claasoi, mean settlements,
division of property and the children
provided for by law. Families ara
LongLlved Pear Trees.
The pear treo will continue bearing
fruit for aevcrnl centuries. Trees
hearing fruit In nhundnnce when at
least 300 yoara old aro not uncom
mon. They nro much longer-lived than
(lie apple, which rarely lasts more
than 100 or 180 years. Tho pear
tree also grows much larger than the
arple, and whon 200 years old has of
ten the dimensions of n lorest tree.
A certain physician told rorae of
his patients that as Ions na thoy kept
their feot dry they would bo safe from
the attack of tho grip. Ho was sur
prised to receive a letter from ono
of his patients In which the latter
said that ho had two woodon logs
and yet had the grip for five cnniecu
tivo years. The letter was unan
swered. Albany Journal.
Hard to Lccate.
It was unquostlonnbly a good stroke,
but whon tho golf-playing phjsicim
wanted to know where to find the ball
tho advice ho rocolvod from 1.1s cad
dlo was quite as good as the stroke.
"I think, doctor," ho said, "jou will
havo to probo for It."
The Childish Questioner.
Harry, aged 4, was puzzled by tho
perspiration dripping from the brow
of the gardener who was mowing tho
lawn. Bolng unable to solve tho mys
tery to his satisfaction ho finally
asked: "Say, John, what makos your
head leak so?"
Minstrelsy for Charity.
An association in Manchester, Eng
land, known ns the Minnehaha Ama
teur MlnEtrels, has made a business
for the last twenty-five years of giving
performances for charity. In that
tlmo it has raised $87,130.
But It's Hard.
When a woman works two months
on n tidy for her church fair, and roe.-.
It appear marked CO cents by a com
mittee, sho must bo compelled to re
mind herself that tho Lord demands
humility. Atchison Globe.'
Hold Circuses to Truth.
Tho laws of Italy are strict with ra
gard to theaters nud clrcuseB. Every
act or performanco announced on tho
program must bo given. Any great
exaggeration by means of pictures Is
Life Insurance In Russia.
Tho poor activity of tho insuranco
business in Russia is shown by the
fact thnt in tho untlro empire thero
aro only 28,810 companies, while tho
amount of Insurance taken out is only
Asbestos Suits Might Be Useful.
A Spokano paper says that "Idaho
lawyers have decided to woar dress
suits hereafter." Why not hero?
Don't harmonize with golden crowns
and harps. Now York Horald.
Cossacks Guarded Frontier.
Tho Cossacks were tho first set
tlers of tho Amur Territory in 1S5C,
whoro thoy strung out In a frontlor
cordon 1.C30 vorsts long to prevent
Possibilities of Sunshine Power.
Scientists ostimnto that thoro Is
onergy enough in fifty acros of sun
shlno to run tho machlnory of t.o
world, could it bo concentrated.
North Carolina Amethysts.
Amethysts of groat beauty of color
como from Tosanty Crook, Macon
county, North Carolina.
Why Trouble Presses.
It Isn't that your traublos aro so
many, hut that you don't know how to
Letting Well Enough Alone.
Whon ono thinks deeply ono droads
to spoil a good thing by trying to talk
Primitive Tools Effective.
With a plcco at Btrlng and a littlo
sand and grcaso ,somo Hindu convicts
sawod through an iron bar two Inchas
in diamotcr in five hours and escaped
Pay of Indian Laborers.
Nntivo laborers In India rocelve 4
cents a dny for slxtoen hours' work.
Happiness Is a clear conscience and
a good iMgCEllon.
W.IIIBS TROMTtlE'OLD BLDCK
cw&rov u 'v-
"Henry, love, Is your will made?"
"Have you put on jour shirt of
And Jauntily pinning; an hie placard,
"I am not drunk; my skull may ha
fractured," the modern clllscn of n
great elty atarted for uualneaa.
The summer girl may hare her dcy,
We know it to our cost;
Hut at our windows uow we sm
The winter man Jack frost.
Knleker Jonea has a sohewe io
Hooker What la It7
Knleker To strew banana peeling!
around Port Arthur ao aa to hasten
We often discover,
Aa likely aa not,
A chip In the pocket's ,
Worth two In tlte pot.
Methuselah wns observed to
"Just thinking how 1 fooled that
Inturstice agent when 1 bought my an
nuity," he explained.
Wttli a light heart he went off to
celebrate bla 400th birthday.
How Nature's workings harmonise!
We teo it everywhere,
For now she grows chryaanthcm'ims
To match tho football hair.
The Man Who Shook Hand With
Goorge Washington sighed dismally.
"To think," ho muttored, "that at
this late day I should he knocked nut
by the man who bought tho first Sub
Reflecting an tho pcrishnblcnees of
fame ho sadly hobbled away.
"Yes," remarked tho fair lady, "the
marriage knot Is exactly like my shoa-
LICORICE WOOD A ROOT.
The Foundation of a Very Pretty and
Protty nearly $2,0UO.00O worth of
licorice is used tip In this country
every year fiom tho lands bordering
on tho Mediterranean. Most" people
think that licorice Is mode frt.i tho
wooden twigs and branches of n tree.
But In reality the llcotlco wood Is tho
root of a very protty, dainty plntit,
which has beautifully shaped lenvos
that are colored bright green or. ;
side nr.d palo sliver green on th-i oth
er. Tho lleorlco plnnt Is n pcronnlal,
and In England, whoro thoy aro trying
to make an Industry of raising It. tho
o erlmenters plant it in rows be
tween cabbages and potatoes. In the
Mediterranean and oriental countries
great plantations aro given up to It al
together. The lleorlco plant throws
out Immensely fleshy loots, full of
Juice when they nro frosh. They
spread end burrow far Into tho earth,
anil a good, big holo hns to oo dug t-)
get them out. Tho licorice wood, ns
we seo It hero, represents only about
half tho original weight and slzo of
tho root, for fully GO per cont of tho
Juice Is lost In drying It. Therefore
tho lleorlco dealers aro getting to bo
more and more in favor of squoezln?
tho Julre of tho roots on tho spot and
then shipping this extract.
Net Tco Young.
One of the younger members of a
down town club was solicitously In
quiring the other day whnt steps ho
should take In order to put up his In
fnnt son for membership, says tho Chi
cago Inter Ocoan.
"Aron't you rather promaturo?" one
of his frlendB observed. "You say he's
only a year old."
"Yes, he's young yot," wns tho an
swer, "but Hint's nbout tho only tlmo
to got him Into a club nowadays. Ho's
too young to havo mado any onomles
or to attract any attention to himself.
Anybody's likely to bo kopt out of a
club according to a story I hoard tho
other day. A man who was objected
to could not for tho life of liim find
out who had objected and why. Aftor
a sret ,ieai ()( trouble he discovered
that the objection to him camo from
a man who had borrowed from him
tho money to pay lila way through
college. After that, what chance does
any man stand?"
A Gcod Ad.
Jacob "Lilt, tho theatrical manager,
is a strong advocate of advertising.
Ho has great ability In the preparation
of striking, attractlvo and successful
advertisements, and nothing pleases
him mora than to find a novel or
quaint idea embodied In an "nd."
"Tho Inst time I wns abroad,' sa'd
Mr. LIU, "I was driving In Kent win i
I camo to a farm whoro thero was
pasturago to let. Tho ownor of this
farm would havo mado a good ad
write', for tho big poster that an
nounced tho pasturago was gotten up
In this humorous and whimsical way:
" 'This farm to let, soventeon acres,
for grazing. Persons having old cut
tlo. or caltlo with strong appotltoa,
had hotter bo cautious In turning
them out to pasture horo, as my grass
Is so rich that It would bo llablo to
lnjuro thorn for tho first wool; or so.' "
Snn Antonio Express.
:- & V
lno When there is an ellgll le r xn
ar mill it kIi: ; I) won t stay tl d "
And for Rt .11 another trip he ei n
suited the tlmo table to Soul Jakum.
ON THR ORIDIKON.
Iot captattia of armies and fleets
IleUke themselves now to the rear,
Let captalna of industrtea vast
No more In the foreground appear
Now others, and greater, have come,
Whose glory Is filling the sphere,
We worship true heroes again
The captalna of football are hero.
WIHCN LIPS MKI8T LIPS.
A sweet Hippopotamus Mlsn
Allowed to her loVur a kiss;
From the size of the twain,
It la certainly plain
There couldn't have been bigger
David had Just flung the pebble at
"Anyway." remarked the giant, "my
funeral will he cheap. I hnvo n nlco
atone nt my head already."
With ffcla cheerful view of the mat
tr he thereupon expired.
THK WAY OF IT.
Tla love that makes tho world go
For me and for my neighbor;
And when ho strikes, wo fill ills plaeo
With Mammon's unskilled labor.
Knleker Somebody anys architec
ture Is frcsen music.
Mocker Great Scott, think of n
To what shall I eomparo hor charms?
1 cannot call my girl a rflso;
Nav, Bridget Is an nutnmn lonf
She paints things red boforc sho
Though from Its native olomont
It mnj long hnvo been free.
The shell will hold within Its depths
Tho murmur of tho sea.
The shell game hns Its music, too;
However fnr nwny,
It still will hold for ono to hear
The murmur of tho Jay.
Mcl.andburgh Wilson In New
CORN CROP IS IMMENSE.
Some Comparisons Which Show thfl
Our corn crop of this year, if
massed together, would cover sixty
acres of ground to tho depth of nearly
1.000 feot n vcrltnblo mountain of
corn ovor a third of a mllo high. If
divided equally among tho population
of the earth It would glvq each person
nearly two bushels. Ono prnctlcal ra
suit' of tho ouormouB corn crop ought
to bo n mntorlnl reduction in tho prleo
of beef for homo consumption, slr.co
It Is tho crop on which hoof eattlo aro
chiefly foil. In many parts of tho west
tho harvest has boon nbundont, but 'n
Oklahoma, especially, fnrmers this
year aro boastful of their corn crop.
Favorable climatic conditions pro
duced n rocord-bronklng ylold. In
many Inrtancos tho cars and stalUt
nro of such unusual size as to bo vcrl
tnblo curiosities. In n field owned by
Wnlter Mnthews, n fnrmer near tho
town of Mulhnll. In Lagan county, an
oltven-yoir-old hoy weighing eighty
pcundB climbed n stnlk to tho helcht
of four feet without Its bonding with
him. Tho stalk was strongly rooted
and about slxtcon feot high. Whllo
the growth In Oklahoma was excep
tional, no traveler through tho west
this fall could fall to bo Imprcs'-ed
with tho vnstnoss of tho corn nrca and
tho Immensity of tho crop. Leslie's
Agency Formed to Jog the Memory.
Tho frequont cases of woaknoss or
loss of memory which throaton to
tnnko this ngo lomnrknhlo hnvo given
rise in Vloniin to tho ostnbllshment of
a "Memento Agency," whoso function
Is to lollovu of nnxloty thoso people
who can not rely on tholr own rcco!
notion with regard to future engage
ments. Tho agency issues a doublo
envelope to Its clionts. In ono, on
which jou wrlto your namu, ml dross
and tho dnto on which you wish to
have your memory Joggod, you Inclose
a uoto of tho particular business ot
which you want reminding. You seal
it up and send It, in tho second en
velopo, to tho -agency, which returns
you tho Inclosuro oxnetly nt t!:o do
slrod tlmo. You are thus freed from all
intermediate worry. Thoro Is only ono
posslblu flaw In this arrangement.
Who can guaronloo thnt tho employes
of tho agency will not also lapso Into
How to Remain Young Naturally.
Butter than tho art of growing old
gracefully Is tho secret of not grow
ing old at nil. It is somothlng worth
knowing and worth remembering.
Tho socrot is concealed in tho fact
that men nnd womon aro as old an
thoy take thomsolvos to bo. That im
plies will power, but what of It? Tho
world Is governed by will power.
Whon a man says that ho Is dead
on his foot ho Is usually tolling tho
Growing old Is a habit. When a
man nt 40, or 60, or CO years Imagines
that ho Is growing old, ho will bo old.
Aftor nwhllo the world will learn
tho socrot of longevity. Improved con
ditions, supplemented by will power,
will perform tho mlraolo.
then u mnu. Instoad of growing old
gracefully, will romnln ysung natur
ally. Chicano Journal.