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STORY OF JONAH.
T was in the month of April, many centuries gone by, before
America had been discerned by mortal eye. All nations were un
civilized from Bering Sea to Spain, from Sodom to St. Petersburg
and half wav back again. About this time Ilerr Jcreboam was
ruler of the land and went about his kingdom with a coach and
four-in-hand. The grossest wickedness was rife all men defied the
law and it was said to Jonah "You must go to Nineveh, and tell
the jKMiple high, and low, of certain wrath to como bring every man
and child to terms before you strike for home." But Jonah didn't
like the deal he sought a softer snap and, after searching till he
found the latest railroad map, he thus addressed his weeping wife:
"My dear, I think it best for me to go foreign parts and take a few
weeks rest. Tomorrow, if the weather is propitious, I will sail from
Joppa do not worry. I will write you every mail; the truth is, dear,
I must escape from taking any hand in spreading civilizing light
through this benighted land. Let some one else, with stronger
frame take the allottedtask, and give me two months stroll abroad
is everything I ask.' At half past ten the boat pulled out, with
Jonah safe on deck; soon, fast asleep, he little dreamed of danger
and ship-wreck. A storm came up, the winds blew fierce and waves
rolled high and deep, the rigging creaked and sailors howled, but
Jonah lost no sleep. At last tho captain, water-soaked and filled
with mighty fear, looked down and saw tho sleeping man and
hollowed in his ear: "Hi, there! wake up, you sinful wretch, and
tell us why you snore. I half believe your presence is the cause of
all this war among the raging elements come, get a move on you!
wake up, turn out, and lend a hand to help the worn
out crew! He stretched and gaped and yawned aloud and rubbed
hiB sleepy eyes; then looked around with undisguised amazement
and surprise. Reflecting on the state of things he caught on in a
minute, and sadly said, "Here, gentlemen, this boat, while I am in it
will never have a moment's poace there's but 'one thing to do
throw me into the brine I'll die to save the rest of you! Four
stalwart sailors buckled in and, with a bcavc-o-he, the mortal form
of Jonah threw ker-plunk into the sea. A hungry catfish sized him
up and, with distended jaws, approached and gulped him down
without a thought of whom he was. Imprisoned in the stomach of
this monster of the deep, poor Jonah 6at him down awhile to medi
tate and weep. He thought of all his past career, of how ho tried to
sneak away from honest duty, and a tear bedewed his cheek; and
there and then he promised, if heeergoton shore, he'd labor in
the vineyard of his master evermore. Meantime the fish was taken
sick and seemed about to die the dinner of three days before would
not digest, and why? The reason was self-evident; it was no earthly
use to think that sin and clothes could be dissolved in gastric juice.
Forthwith the fish approached the land, within a league or more,
gagged once, heaved twice and landed Jonah safe upon the shore.
And Jonah kept his promise, for he started out to preach, proclaim
ing joyfuf tidings to all men within his reach. Success was with
him from the start; he never lost his hold till every soul in Ninevah
was safe within the fold. Now, mark the change! When trouble
overtakes a modern man, and no escape seems possible by any
earthly plan, like Jonah, he will promise better things if one more
chance is given asan answer to his humble "songand dance." Butlet
the wave of trouble spew him out upon the strand, and all his reso
lutions are as shifting as the sand. Since then when April comes
about and people congregate upon the rirer banks to fish and heavy
yarns relate, both old and young have striven to concoct a fishing
tale more taxing to credulity than Jonah and the whale. Bix.
CAUSE OF FINANCIAL, PANICS.
In a recent review article on financial panics J. W. Bennett gives
as his interpretation of the phenomena that the annual interest
charges on the capital employed are in excess of the annual increase
of wealth. He places the interest charges of the p'ast decade at
thirty billions, and he states that the increase of wealth for the same
period was only twenty-two millions. As a necessary consequence,
he says, whenever the capitalists call in the principal there is a
collapse; but the fact that many persons are creditors as well as
debtors puts off the final accounting. In addition, there is the in-
The Courier secures Mr. Bixby's contributions through special
arrangement with the State Journal.
terest on public debts, and the general costsof government, amount
ing to nearly nine billions in a decade, making in all seventeen bil
lions of dollars as the sum which tho assets of the citizens of the
United States fall behind their indebtedness every ten years. What
wonder then, he asks, that the business of tho country' has to go
periodically into the hands of a receiver in order to straighten out
its accounts and begin anew? Creditors are obliged to take part of
their claims, as there is not enough to pay tho whole. Debts are
cancelled and a new start is made. The wealth is lent out again;
interest is paid again until the burden gets too large and another
crash comes. This explanation of the causes of financial panics
serves to point the moral that there is something radically wrong in
the Bystem of charging interest on loans. Mr. Bennett's maxim is
that labor alone is productive, that wealth has within it the essential
quality of decay, not of growth, and that if tho borrower provides
against decay, and returns the capital intact, he amply compensates
the owner for the loan.
Life is such a pitiful thing that its tragedies would move a heart
of stone, and we often wonder if even the gods at the mill do not
sometimes water the grists with their tears.
We shall see a gleam of the millenium when the fellows who are
6o handy with moral advice to other folk, begin to make personal
That woman makes me tired!
Well I should say so. She'd tire out anything with less endur
ance than gutta percha.
Heaven knows what Bhe's made of; I'm euro I cannot conceive.
Once in 60 often she comes to Lincoln on a shopping "exertion,"
and I figure as the calf for the burnt offering. I've tried to be polite,
but I'm done.
She can forswear my friendship, call me names, heap ignominy on
me in any way, if she'll just never say "shopping" to me again.
Wait till I tell you.
We went to Herpolsheimer's. She had come to town to buy a
China silk dress. In five minutes we had every piece of silk in that
department on the counter.
She chewed corners of that silk; she raveled out threads, Bhe
crossed it between her fingers and then said, "I believe we'll go
down to Miller fc Paine's." We went. The worn out clerk looked
after us as though he hoped we'd stay. She performed the same
way there, The clerk's amiability did not hold out as well as the
one in Herpolsheimer's
She was chewing about the seventh corner, when he abruptly
asked, "Do you want a dress pattern madam? "I'll see," she calm
ly answered, then turning to me, "Let's go to another place and look."
I was mortified ashamed, mad; I was getting to hate the very sight
of her, but I bad control enough to follow her out, with a sickly
smile on my face, and we found Krug's.
Performance No. 3; time 30 minutes. And then "I believe I like
Herpolsheimer's silks best after all." What! Face that clerk twice
in one day with that woman?
Not if 4 have my senses left. I .take her to the entrance and leave
her tell of an appointment I must keep that moment with my law
yer, then get away and travel fast for fear she'll catch me again.
Talk about dry goods clerkB. I'd want a salary of ten dollars a
She gets 'round to the house in time for supper, fresh as a lark. I
was worn out limp. "How about the dress? I asked. "Well, I
didn't get one; they were'nt so very cheap after all. I think I'll
send up to Morses."
Her purchases consisted of four pair of hose, six handkerchiefs,
and three yards of black gimp, and my day. She didn't pay for the
latter; I had that bill to settle. She said she'd be in again in June
and I've got a quarantine card handy to tack up if I discover her in
time. Augusta L. Packard.
Mrs. Languish. "Tired! Oh, bo tired all the time!" Mrs. Smart.
"Well, so I used to be until I began to take Ayer's Sarsaparilla as a
spring medicine, and now I don'tknow what it is to have that tired
feeling. Try it, my dear; only be sure you get Ayer's."
New dress goods new wash goods, just received at Herpolshcimer