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GOODWIN'S WEEKLY 7
"PRESS CUTTINGS."
1 Shaw, the Iconoclast, Deals With Modern Probt
lems, Both Social and Political in His New '
Play, Which Was Tabooed by the English
Censor.
In Bernard Shaw's new play, "Press Cuttings,"
which, because of the (English censor who forbade
its production, has aroused the curiosity of his ad
mirers and critics across two continents, the de
velopment of the action is brought about, three
years from now supposedly with the principal
characters a general, a conscript, a prime min
. ister, different types of anti-suffragists, and a
woman drudge, who in the play is made the ex
ponent of the grievances of womankind.
Below may be found some characteristic lines
from the great English satirist, which, whether or
not they meet with the approval of those who
read them, cannot fail to be interesting.
Mitchener When a man has risked h's life on
eight batleflelds, Mrs. Farrell, he has given suf
ficient proof qf his self-control to be excused a lit
1 tie strong language.
Mrs. Farrell Would you put up with bad lan
guage from me because I've risked my life eight
times in child-bed?
Mitchener My dear Mrs. Farreii, you surely
would not compare a risk of that harmless domes
tic kind to the fearful risks of the battlefield.
Mrs. Farrell I wouldn't compare risks run to
.bear llvln' people into the world to risks run to
blow dhem out of it. A mother's risk is jooty; a
soldier's is nothin' but divilmint.
MItchner (nettled) Let me tell you, Mrs. Far
rell, that if the men d!d not fight, the women
would have to fight themselves. We spare you
that, at all events.
Mrs. Farrell You can't help yourselves. If
three-quarters of you was killed we could replace
you with the help of the other quarter. If three
quarters of us was killed how many people wou.'d
there bo in England in another generation? If
it wasn't for that, the men'd put the fighting on
us, just as they put all the other tlhrudgery.
What would you do if we was all kilt? Would you
go to bed and have twins?
Mitchener Really, Mrs. Farrell, you must dis
cuss those questions with a medical man. You
make me blush, positively.
Mrs. Farrell (grumbling to herself) A good
job, too. If I could have made Farrell blush I
wouldn't have had to risk me life so often. You 'n
your risks 'n your bravery 'n your self-conthrol,
Indeed! "Why don't yer conthrol yourself?" I
says to Farrell. "It's agen me religion," he sez.
Later she says in speaking to ber daughter,
about to marry a Duke's son: "Wait'll you're mar
ried yourself, me fine lady; you'll find out thai
every woman's a char-woman from the day she's
married.''
General Mitchener and Balsquith, the prime
minister, have had several controversies.
I Mitchener A masterpiece of strategy. Let me
explain. The suffragettes are a very small body,
but they are numerous enough to bo Troublesome
even cUnp.iousT-whsa - a: t'.t concealratv.
In one place, say in Parliament Square. But by
nnkiny a two-mile radius and pushing them be
yond it you scatter their attack over a circular
line twelve miles long. Just what Wellington
would have done.
hulsqul' h But the w -n en won " go
Mitchere - Nonsense they muai go.
Balsqu'fh They woa't
Mitchener What does Sandstone say?
Balsquith He says shoot them down.
Mitchener Of course.
Balsquith You're not serious?
Mitchener I'm perfectly serious.
Balsquith But you can't shoot them down!
Womon, you know!
Mitchener (stradding confidently) oa, you
can. Strange as It may seem to you as a ci
vilian, Balsquith, if you point a rifle at a woman
and fire it she will drop exactly as a man drops.
Balsquith But public opinion would never
stand it.
Mitchener (walking about and laying down the
law) There's no such thing as public opinion t
Balsquith No such thing as public opinion?
Mitchonor rAbsolutely no such thing. There
are certain persons who entertain certain opin
ions. Well, shoot them down. When you have
shot them down there are no longer any persons
entertaining those opinions alive; consequently
there is no longer any more of the public opinion
you are so much afraid of. Grasp that fact, my
dear Balsquith, and you have grasped the secret
of government. Public opinion is mind. Mind
Is inseparable from matter. Shoot down the mat-,
ter and you kill the mind.
On the German invasion scare:
Balsquith The Germans have laid down four
more Dreadnoughts.
Mitchener Then you must lay down twelve.
Balsquith Oh, yes; it's easy to say, 'but
think of what they'll cost.
Mitchener Tbink of what it would cost to be
invaded by Germany and forced to pay an In
demnity of five hundred millions.
Balsquith But you said that if you got com
pulsory service there would be an end of the
danger of invasion.
Mitchener On the contrary, my dear fellow,
it increases the danger tenfold, because it in
creases German jealousy of our military suprem
acy. Balsquith After all, why should the Germans
invade us?
Mitchener Why shouldn't they? What else
has their army to do? What else are they build
ing a navy for?
Balsquith Weil, we never think of invading
Germany.
Mitchener Yes, we do. I have thought of noth
ing else for the last ten years. Say what you will,
Balsquith, the Germans have never recognized,
and until they get a stern lesson they never will
recognize the plain fact that the interests of the
British Empire are paramount and that the com
mand of the sea belongs by nature to England.
Balsquith But If they won't recognize it what
can I do?
Mitchener Shoot them down.
Balsquith I can't shoot them down.
Mitchener Yes, you can. You don't realize
It, but if you fire a rifle into a German he drops
just is surely as a rabbit does.
Balsquith But dash it all, man, a rabbit hasn't
got, a rifle and a German has. Suppose he shoots
you down.
Mitchener Excuse me, Balsquith, but that con
sideration is what we call cowardice in the army.
A soldier always assumes he is going to shoot,
not to be shot.
Balsquith (jumping up and walking about sulk
ily) Oh, come! I like to hear you military peo
ple talking of cowardice. Why, you spend your
life in an ecstaoy of terror of imaginary invasions.
1 don't believe you ever go to bed without look
ing under it for a burglar.
Mitchener (calmly) A very sensible precau
tion, Basquith, I take it, and in consequence I've
never been burgled.
Balsquith Neither have I. Anyhow, don't you
taunt me with cowardice. (He posts himself on
the hearth rug besides Mitchener, on his left.)
I never look under my bed for a burglar. I'm not
always looking under the nation's bed for an in
vader. And if it comes to fighting, I'm quite will
ing to fight without being three to one.
Mitchener These are the romantic ravings of
a jingo civilian, Balsquith. At least you'll not
deny that the absolute command of, the sea is
essential to our security.
gE5fii55S5fiSfifiSSSSISSPS5SESES
Balsquith The absolute command of the sea M
is essential to the security of the principality of 1 jH
Monaco. But Monaco isn't going to get it. f H
Mitchener And consequently Monaco enjoys i jH
no security. What a frightful thing! How do I 'H
the inhabitants sleep with the possibility of inva- H
slon, of bombardment, continually present to their iH
minds? Would you have our English slumbers I .H
broken in the same way? Are we also to I've j
without security? ; j
Balsquith (dogmatically) Yes. There's no H
thing as security in the world, and there never 1 jH
can be as long as men are mortal. England J
will be secure when England is dead, just as the 1 j
streets of London will be safe when there's no i M
longer a man in her streets to be run over or a 1 M
vehicle to run over him. When you military chaps ? H
ask for security you are crying for the moon. ) H
Mitchener (very seriously) Let me tell you, M
Balsquith, that in these days of aeroplanes and 'M
Zeppelin airships the question of the moon is . H
becoming one of the greatest importance. It will j H
be reached at no very distant date. Can you, as H
an Englishman, tamely contemplate the posrioil- ' H
Ity of having to live under a German moon? The ,H
British flag- must be planted there at all hazards. H
Two representatives of anti-suffrage have this jjJ
to say: H
Mrs. Banger This pistol, sir, was carried at
Waterloo by my grandmother. 1 H
Mitchner I presume you mean your grand- ','H
father. ' H
Mrs. Banger You presume unwarrantably. M
Lady Corinthia Mrs. Banger's grandmother H
commanded a canteen at that celebrated battle. H
Mrs. Banger Who my 'grandfather was is a kM
point that has never been quite clearly settled. H
I put my trust not in my ancestors, but in my
good sword, which is at my lodgings. ; M
Mitchner Your sword! M
Mrs. Banger The sword with which I slew five ' H
Egyptians with my own hand at Kassassln, here I jH
served as a trooper. M
Mitchener Lord bless me! But was your sex H
never discovered? H
Mrs. Banger It was never even suspected. I H
had a comrade a gentleman ranker whom they M
called Fanny. They never called me Fanny. lM
Lady Corinthia The Suffragettes have turned H
the whole woman movement onto the wrong track. M
They ask for a vote. !
Mrs. Banger What use is a vote? Men have ;
the vole. iH
Lady Corinthia And men are slaves. tB
Mrs. Banger What women need is the right !
to military service. Give me a well mounted :j
regiment of women with sabres opposed to a regi- 'jJ
ment of men with votes. We shall see which will M
go down before the other. No; we have had M
enough of these gentle, pretty creatures who mere- M
ly talk and cross-examine ministers in police M
courts and go to prison like sheep and suffer ,
and sacrifice themaelves. This question must D
be solved by blood and Iron, as was well said
by Bismarck, who I have reason to believe was j
a woman in disguise. j
Mitchener Bismarck a woman! j
Mrs. Banger All the really strong men of 'M
history have been disguised women. H
Mitchener (remonstrating). My dear lady! M
Mrs. Banger How can you tell? You never J
knew that the hero of the charge at Kassassin M
was a woman; yet she was; it was I, Rosa Car- fl
min Banger. Would N'apolean have been so brut- H
al to omen, think you, had he been a man? wM
Mitchener Oh, come, come! Really! Surely ifl
female rulors have often shown all the feminine m
weaknesses. Queen Elizabeth, for instance. Her H
vanity, her levity H
Mrs. Banger Nobody who has studied the S
history of Queen Elizabeth can doubt for a mo- S
ment that she was a disguised man. H