" """ inr--exeeJlentoondltlmbut. uncertain. marlcot value; '
" " J tho said. Punk "and Wagnalls tendered him. a.crocJ;lt.:
- j of. five dollars. Of course the Century owner would
have to pay. the carriage on .his set of ton big books
'from Salt Lake io NeW York,' nhd on " th'e new'
1 Standard frfim 'New Yo?k-to-Salt IJike, Ho then
1 would have a one-volume guide of, unquestioned
"itmerit, of a stated market value of fifteen dollars, .
Jin exchange for a ten-volume mentor of fumous -.
-- f ?.rc an1 ? bargain at fifty-dollars of any one's
, money. ' . t
," I know now why the head of the Funk and Wag
nalls firm Is alleged to be in -a decline. -He Is suf--
ferlng from enlargement of the heart. For If
5 curiosity killed a eat, generosity In a 'New York
"publisher has always been 'quite as certainly fatal.
.- - , - i i i . i . .-.,.' .
-Rob'ert 'Burns: -The only objection I-have
-to-an electric coupe is that I never- know
- ' whether it is- going forward or back.-
. .i'I11 JVMTJtJYKf'YOU LOOK TEX-TSEARS
Thus the advertisement. And for once the ad-,
vertlsement lies. . -
.. .Talking to you old Jady. v Addressing, these,, fw
remarks to. y.ou, my elderly, gent. - For there Is
nothing on the earth, or. In the heavens above the
earth, n6r in the Waters under the earth 'that can
make an old mnn young again no,, nor .that -can
"-malce him look young. And the same. Is true of
. women only more so. . , ...
: .When a man gets past fifty, and his hair falls out
" .IT . and his whiskers grow gray, he. may, dye the, latter
and buy a substitute for the former, .but he doesn't
fool even his mirror. But he docs publish himself
. . ashamed of the years he has wasted, and desirous
, . . to obtain praise by false pretense. And the one Is
. - discreditable, and the other dishonest ..
i. . He. may. frisk his old legs till the slacked lime of
them crumble and break, but all his gambollng-will
not even remotely rcsembllo tho gyrations of youth.
Ho may shave and shine and show his plothes, but
the .record of Father Time is writ. The finger has
moved on, and all his tears shall not wash out n
lino of that i record. If you are old, you aTo -going
to look old, and you ought to be ashumed lo bo
ashamed of it.
Thank the Lord, there Isn't anything that Is, go-
ing to make any one "look ten years younger."
"Tho nearest you can come, -even with the -hplp of .
the advertised lotions, is to make yourself the
laughing stock of the people you are trying to fool.
T 'COURTESY 1N THE GRAND STAND.
ft ...
Now that McCloskoy and his ball players are
-awoy, rllpg-roug'fishqd over thonihes-'Of the north,
-,let mo- suggest that tho "Ahmlga mated -SooIcty- of
"Fans .take a correspondence oourso In courtesy in
tha.grand stand,. To the- frank about It, tho spac-
' , tators at an American game of baseball make about
i tho worst known exhibition of possible national
tralt3.
' Thoro Is more unsportsmanlike conduct in tho
grand stand than anywhere olso on earth except-
1 Ing In tho bloacncrs; and tho palm of precedence-
- thoro will have to bo awarded because they have
1 no screen boforo thorn, and there Is nothing to hln-
l dor their heaving bottles along with their bllllngs-
gate. When, Ty Cobb wont Into tho grand stand
'"and poked an insolent mallgner in tho eye, he did
good service to the national game, but ho didn't
go far enough. IIo should have dovotod tho re
mainder of his young life to traveling around tho
country, dislocating jaws of gontlemon who forgot
' docency In their verbal attack's" on honest and con-,
osiontlous players. IIo would have oarnod double
tho salary ho Is getting now and a- grateful posterity .
would have oroctcd a monument to him.
r --The 'cable brings word that There was no exolto-
, mont In England "when nows of that international
1- polo match was rpcelved there Saturday afternoon.
Of course not. But do you think those Englishmen
' didn't' dare'? -By the -LodrI -"-think", thoy car th5
Trioro' because ;they ha:e' the "selfleclpllno tp keep
theh shirts on even under pressure of big nows
good or badr A' mandoesn'l provo that ho likes
strawberries-by smashing the plate against his face
- and gommlng'-the contents llko a pig of tho plains.
And boorlshncss In the grand 'stand doesn't provo
especial, interest In 'or lovo for tho game of ball.
Always there are thrco or four boors, scattered -'through
every crowd at the game, whtise comments
the.playe'rs as these take their positions actually
amount to a. misdemeanor. They "call names" they
wouldn't think of using if on level ground with the
player 'assailed. They accuse of stealing, of cheat
ing. They command the home pitcher to hit the
visiting batsman and they want him to do it. They
tauUUwlth-referenoe.lo-physical peculiarities as If
the-Jhsolerit' were nSnlt Lake Adonis some glas-j
err fashion and" mold of form. They." are vulgar to
the point of crime, and profane oh Countless occa
sions. Thoy are ilolsy.wi(h the uproar of"Bedlam,
and' tetnlly-pre-judlced.Jn t)ielrjudgment of-plays.
-There are two objections to 'it. First, ft is 111- --breed,
-JJoorlsH,. rankly? ruraT. It has'a- sm'ack "of
.savagery,' the-certaUieVldcnce of'clodhopper prepf
aratlon for the -haunts of" happiness. It Is crude,
- and clumsy ..and discourteous nnd ungentlemanly.
It Is vulgar and blackgunrdy. It la ubsolutdly In-
' defensible. ' ' ,
Second, It Is not sportsmanlike." There can be no
- objection-to Interest -Inthe -team, but shall there be
ho' Interest In the game at large In the sport -of
baseball? Of course we want our team to win, but
we surely want it to win fairly. And we should
scorn to hope for a victory our -team could not
achieve on merit. Wo can cheer when the plays
are worth It, but tho hullabaloo to "rattle" a pltch--er;
the Insults to 'anger a" catcher? the bllllngsgato
to disturb a 'batter1 these are not tho characteris
' tlcs of sportsmen. --They' are the sole survival of
the barbarous boobs at an ancient butchery.
And tho men who pay for the game whose mon
ey and Influence and encouragement keep the sport
alive don't do It. They play fair. They applaud a
good stunt even when an opposing player pulls it
off. They yield gracefully when their nine loses
rogrotfully, of course; but llko the gentlemen thoy
are. And they have In their honest hearts plenty
of sound reason for joy on those much moru nu
merous occasions when their own toam wins.
Now while the homo totim is 'away, gaiherfng tho
laurels- It deserves, think it over. We never won
n game by boorlshness We never lost one by being
decent. ...
NOW " THEY ' SURE WILL COME.
i
My. other .old friend, the New Jersey Cdundll for
.Eatriotlc Services, is doing' a good turn' fbr Salt
Lake, and. for Utah and isn't trying, either. That
oaiety, officered wholly by -women, I observe
warns all school teachers to stay avfay from tho
N. E. A. convention, so soon to be held in this city,
for that tho Mormona '11 git 'em, whethor or not
they watch out. Said 'Mormons, we are assured by
circular letter to educators, "are past masters In
.the ar.t of entertaining visiting tourists." Also those
said Mormons are declared by tho Council to bo
"woll Instructed, plausible guides and hosts."
It is disappointing, aftor'flndlng those kind word,
to observe that tho Council for Patriotic Service
still doesn't want tonehers-to attend the convention,
evldontly fonrlng that they will bo damaged goods
In some Way by the time school opens In September.-
And so all who .make a business of teaching
gunnery to the young idea and her -name Is legion
are urged to "buy a book called "Crimes and Trea
sons of tho Mormon Church."
. Now I know thoy will como. You give tho av
erago Aomrlcan a dare, artd he accopts It rnd
- school teachers aro Americans, -to tho 'core.-' This
warning" 'of tho aforesaid Council unintentionally" '
. but clearly suggests that something' Is hidden,
muybe something real r ity, to be discovered in
Salt Lake. And there are-oo few regions now left tfl
on the footstool rwhero' anything ' nev "awaits tho ....... . ' H
.explorer, that the curiosity o'f'alf New England and ., ' j
such parts of New .Terse as are -not under watof, t i
will bb piqued Into the buying of tickets to Utah if " tH
it takes the lust dollar in the stocking, :
And all this Is,, welcomed by Utah. .They "may H
read tho Crimes, of the" Mormon Church If they H
want to. I have. It doesn't hurt a bit, for it Is jH
bbth' unture and impossible. But you may say that H
of Robinson Crusoe, can't you?" And ftoblnson M
nover damaged anybody in all'the years of hls.relgn, -..-.
as one of the six best sellers. H
Furthermore, I would llko to suggest, In all gen- H
tlcness to my other old friend, the New Jersey -. M
Council for Patriotic Service, that wo of Utah, aro M
not all ISlormon;, and thairthu' heavrng-of-farlcka art
that devoted Institution hurts the' rdst of us a whole 'C ? ' HI
lot fhbro'thnn it seems to hurt the Mormon 'church
- -ono of tho "crimes" of which orgahis-atlon, I ob- w 4 M
serve", to bo, the hahlt of waxlngfatter Themore It M
is'attacked. IH
Meantime, let the teachers come. Let them load '' lH
.themselves with' warning Hte'rature till the excess flfl
chargos.pasH the-tickets In cost. Let them gtvd re-
spectful car to my other old friend, the New Jersey
Council for Systematic Slander. They tflll fln(l H
c UtaTh good, and Salt Lake delightful.' If they have jH
the bad taste to go back easf, they will carry the B
sure ' conviction that they had a fine time In &' " H
wo'rthy community. . And if ,they have 'the gOQd"' ' " H
tasto to remain here, thoy will find as the rest of Hfl
us have found through years of residence and' much H
association that about the only difference between" "" H
Mbrmons and New, Jersey folk Is that the Mormons IM
-attend to their "own business, and let otheV churchQS ' jH
One thing is certain : Eypjieyer broke any . ' H
cigars by leaning her. head against Adam's ' H
bosom. H
' lH
-THE GOVERNMENT ON GOOD" ROADS.- M
B,- t - - H
I don't know what I would do wlthoQt these H
weekly curtain lectures from -Washington on every - H
possible topic from roads to roosters. They- are so H
helpful. Fo'r example, hero ' Is what tho govern- H
mont of which you aro one pays young gentle- H
men to write in Washington: H
. -If you looTt at tho ordinary country road 'after! H
shower you will see -small puddles along the wheel BH
ruts and sorhetlmes larger pools. This water stayy Kfl
.' on the road surface because it cannot drain away H
' into "the side ditches, which have grown up with H
bushes and weeds in many cases, and which are So." " H
fur from the traveled part tn! ttlfe"rtad'Tthifrthe"fajn """ H
water does not drain into them. --That part of the - H
roadway where wagons travel Is called tho traveled " " H
wnyi To prceenb-water ftomsnrdlng .onhe "trav- iD
elod way the road should bo raised in the center yl
and -should slope gently Into broad, shallow ditches.
It'Is-then said'-to have-a croy,ti If 'It is -ten 'feet 1
from -tho center of tho road tt. the side dltoh, tho- H
surface at the side ditch should be at least ten H
intdtes-lower than it is at the center -where , the H
horses travel. The road then has a ten-Inch cpwiu - - . -. .
Sometimes a road passes through" what is called H
a cut. This is a pluce where the earth has boon dug H
6u so that tho road can go over a hill without being " H
too steep. ., H
I regret to roport that some few' things' have been H
noglocted in. this erudlbe and nationally profitable H
activity of the public's public servants. ""If' should " ' jlH
bo stated that dry earth, when mixed 'with Water,' 11
Is transformed Into a substance called mud; that J
stones thrown Into tho air itre- caught by a mys- H
torious force called the attraction of gravity, and H
aro compelled to fall to the ground again. And H
that the eating of green apples without salt usually H
produces bellyache. And -yet -one-should noTcavH. fl
Even a political appointee, holding his "job in pay- 'H
mont of campaign service, can not be dxpoctod to H
remember everything. ", '-' H
Tolling-people not to visit ult,Liikb City bccuu "" J H
" tllcy nf, likely to Ik. sliocke"d,-"iihii;t'g'liig'to keep " 'M
. theni.unay. -Doubting fjhost stories lias led' the raco " H
lroia Ignorance to Utah. . " j H