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m H 8 GOODWIN'S WEEKLY. Hj THE UNSCIENTIFIC SCIENTIST AGAIN W B an Diego, Gal., July 9, 1914. Hj Dear Herb: H Did you got that "logos of Ethnos" stuff that HJ I put over in my last? Good what? I was going BB to have It printed in Greek, but I didn't have the H nerve and the printer didn't have the type so H I refrained. I looked it up afterwards lest I had Hj made a mistake, but I was right. Ethnology is a H sort of a ginny (if that's the way. you spell it) H expression. It comes from a couple of Greek H words it can't help that, of course and they H' mean the study of you and me beginning from Hj the time H1 "When you were a tadpole and T was a fish H In the Paleozioc days," Hi as the poet hath it. At least that's a fairly lib Hj cral translation of what they mean. H However, I don't intend to spend any more H language on that no sense in lingering upon a H subject after one has exhausted it. But I must B tell you all about archaeology, which is in the H same class with the other ology. I said they B were cousins. They're more than. that. Eth and B Arch are brother and sister though I'm not sure H which is which as to gender. But Arch is the flB study of the relics of the early races of mankind H you might not think it, but it's a fact, I nosed H around on the quiet for a while trying to find out. B Then I asked the chief's stenographer what the B I mean I asked her what it signified. She told H me that right off the bat, but to make sure of it H somebody dug up a dictionary. One of those B dinky, near-leather-covered ones that you get for H somo 19 cents in real money and about 40,000 B coupons that you cut seriatim out of a daily H paper. I got one that way once. Got a book of H songs, too the oldest songs in the world. The B paper said they were songs that never grow B old 'Vintage of the past century, you know. B Vintage suggests wine, and well, anyway, if I Hj had been writing the title on the cover of the H song book I'd have said "Songs That Improve H With Age." iBut as I was going to say when I B ran into that open switch I was agreeably sur- fl prised to And that the unpretentious dictionary H was a perfectly good book. It said just the same B thing that the girl said minus the smile. B One of the things one never can get back is B wasted energy. I figure that I'm out ut four B dollars' worth, because while I wan fussing B around wtih those tombs tomes, I mean and Hj dictionaries, et cetera (I spell that since I broke H into the highbrow class) I could just as well have M learned all about the subject under discussion M by strolling into the Archeological Exhibit at this B San Diego exposition and just rubbering. Really Hl that's how I finally did get wise! B You know Baby Eleanor, reading the funnies H in the Sunday supplements, has just as much H fun aB if she could read the printed matter. Me H too! I don't n sd the tomes when I can see the H exhibit. Come on in and soak up some knowl- D edge. Hj Some of these subjects seem a little heavy B at first, but really its easy to grasp them in this B atmosphere. I'm there with bells on now, old B top, and you can quote mo with impunity or ver- B bally either way and If you don't understand B Archaeology thoroughly yet, just ask me for any- B thing that I have overlooked. H Yours for the archives of mankind, H Scotty. B P. S. Note the delicate, adroit way in which HB I Insert an adv. for the San Diego exposition In j the midBt of pure reading matter! I get paid HB for that. SHORT SESSIONS WITH FAT MEN When traveling by train a few days ago from Danzig to Berlin, General von Podbielski, popu larly known as 'u?od," was undressed as usual by his valet, who, having packed away his master's clothes in a suitcase, so that the sleeping com partment should not be unnecessarily over crowded, removed them to his own carriage. Next fhorn'ng when the general awoke and sum moned Heinrich to assist him with his toilet he discovered to his consternation that the compart ment in which his valet was keeping watch over his clothes had during the night been detached and was at that very moment speeding toward the Russian frontier, two hundred miles away. Here, indeed, was an awkward dilemma, lor the sleeping car attendant's anxious inquiry among the other passengers failed to procure any habiliments with waist girth approaching the re quired 52 inches. But "Pod" is a man of re sources. He wired to the Frledrichstrasse sta tion, Berlin, for a Red .Cross ambulance to meet the train on arrival and into this, wrapped only in a blanket, he in due course clambered and was borne to a neighboring hotel, whither were promptly summoned a tailor, hosier, bootmaker and hatter, who soon made the gallant soldier sartorially presentable. Alexandre Dumas, the famous French ro mancist, was as recklessly etravagant as he was abnormally stout and more than once found him self In awkward straits. Indeed, h'e was often enough without the commonest necessities, even of dress, as when, anxious to attend an Ambassa dor's reception, he discovered he was without a single clean shirt among his linen. A friend, who chanced to bo with him at the time, volunteered to go and buy one, only to find that none of the shops had in stock a garment sufficiently large to encircle the novelist's generous girth of neck and chest. At last, when on the point of relinqishing his search, Dumas's friend came upon a shop where a shirt called the Hercules was advertised. The same struck him as being one of good omen and he entered. But, alas! they had nothing ap proaching the size required, unless, indeed, their customer would care to take one made to the order of a very corpulent Quartier Latin student, by whom it had been left on their hands. Al though covered with little rod devils careering about in red flames, it was a case of Hobson's choice, so the shirt was purchased and taken home to Dumas, who, doubtless entering into the humor of the situation, resolved to wear it at the reception. 'You would hardly believe it," he said afterward, "but my costume was an im mense success, and I really think I have started a fashion of deviled shirts for evening wear." EMPRESS The bill at the Empress this week is several notches below the average, and Is not even half good. An act or two, and the pictures as usual are worth seeing, but as for the supposedly pre tentious efforts good night! The Nat Ellis Ella Nowlan company in "Cir cus Days" must be credited "with courage for having the temerity to stage the act, for out side of the gymnasts, there is nothing commend able; the efforts at humor are course, not funny, and the personality of the ring master alone is enough to drive an audience home. The funniest thing on the bill is "The Beg gar" played by Porter J. White and company. "Undoubtedly it is meant to be a blending of love and pathos, but through an error in construc tion It is an admixture o? ridiculous Improbabilit ies and cheese. However, it is truly remarkable the way the hero has nature under his thumb. One moment ho fakes blindness, the next he is really blind, the next ho can see, and so on ad flnitum. She loves me I am blind she loves mo not I am not blind, etc., etc. And the support is just as funny as the sketch. ., Do Marest of DeMarest and Doll is the h't of " the bill with his ragtime and eccentricities, and Johnson the aerialist contributes his full quota to the beginning of the entertainment. Bijou Russell is reminiscent of other days with her sand dancing which was probably popular long ago when she learned. iHer voice needs t rest though, badly. For the bill beginning manana, (Manager Cook announces a big feature in Robinson's educated elephants, the headliner, followed .by Clem Bevin3 and company in a comedy called 'UDaddy;" Coak land, McBride and Milo in a minature ministery show, the Three Newmans cyclists, and Kammer or and Howland. $$. A REAL ONE Joe Schumpf has a new story. It is about a Jew peddler, an automobile party and a railroad train. The automobile party was attempting to I cross the railroad track. Thu train came along, I and the result was three killed and two seriously injured. The train did not stop. It did not even hesitate. "About a half hour later the Jew peddler hove in sight, walking down the track. One of the injured men was just regaining consciousness. " 'What's der madder?' asked the peddler. "The injured man explained between groans as best he .could. " 'Has der glaim agent been along?' asked the peddler. "'Nobody has been along, as far as I know,' was the reply. "'Veil,' said the other, 'if you haf no objec tions I'll dake off my pack and lay down mit you.'" Seattle Argus. Merchant's lunch, 40 cents; table d'hote din ner $1, every day at Maxim's. Bruce L. Brown, Mgr. BECKER S RPPR "Better by test than . WRITE FOR M-Msm BECKER BREWING $ gVU & MALTING GO. OGDEN, UTAH y