GOODWIN'S WEEKLY 5 H
fl 77M; spectator I I I
111 "V 111 INCB the out"
II C 05 III break tlie war
111 ?V J Ml we have all be
ll - j come acquainted
HI i with the term,
1L .. . u "slacker," and In
fact many of us
have become acquainted with the char
acter as well. With the "slicker" we
are not so familiar, although every
American community o size, our own
included, can fooast of furnishing one
or more of this type of patriot The
"slicker" is a but I believe I will
let the able editor of Reed's Mirror
describe this all to common character
in his own fascinating fashion.
J Mr. Reedy gives Senator Stone the
credit for discovering the "slicker,"
and then goes on to say: "The slick
er is a slacker who is smart enough
to get a bomb-proof position that will
entitle him to wear a uniform and be
inferentially, in drawing-room and
clubs, a hero. If a more presently
popular senator than Stone had
slammed the slicker, the, country
would have applauded, but Stone
voted against poing to war and that
damns him ' .
"It was a gruff old soldier man who
said not long since, looking over the
war workers around Washington,
'This danged town is just chock full
of fellows with, flat feet and great
executive ability.' Over in England
they have the same sort of critters,
but they call them 'Cuthberts.' A
fearsome lot of dead wood has been
foisted on the officers' list of the army
and it should be cleaned out. At least
the fighters and workers should be
distinguished in some way from the
fakirs and posers. And it should be
done in spite of the fact that unpopu
lar Senator Stone proposes it."
I Tp' HAVE promised myself time and
JL again that I wouldn't say any
thing about the police situation until
Commissioner Scheid has had time to
get his chair warm. However, I hard
ly think it will ibo using undue in
fluence to caution him to beware of
the preachers. They are all right in
their iplace, but their place doesn't
belong in politics. Many a well-meaning
public official has pinned his faith
to that aggregation, only to And him
self ingloriously abandoned by his pre
tended friends at the first sign of foul
weather.
Last week these fine fellows loudly
proclaimed their friendship for the
new commissioner of public safety.
, That was immediately after reading
his declaration of intentions to clean
up the city. Also they took the trou-"
ble to pin a gorgeous bouquet on
friend Scheid, metaphorically speak
ing. Then a few days later they got
wind that the commissioner was se
riously considering the appointment
of Martin Mulvey as chief of police.
I
That settled matters; and now to hear
them talk, "Scheid is everything that
they thought he wasn't last week" and
"nothing that they thought he was."
Which is mighty poor diction, but it
conveys the idea all right.
I hold no brief for Mulvey or any
body else. The .point I am trying to
make is that it doesn't Ho within the
scope of mortal power to please the
preachers any two days in suqcession.
I have seen them pin a bouquet on a
fellow one day and kick him In the
seat of his pants the next day. Their
decided tendency to vacillate recalls
a jingle that I once heard DeWolfe
Hopper sing. It runs something like
this:
You can't tell a thing about the
women,
And that's why we think they're
very nice;
You'll never find two alike at any one
time,
And you-'U never find one alike
twice.
HOR once I am in accord with Com
missioner Green. His suggestion
of a city manager, although not orig
inal with, him. by any means, it well
worth considering. The plan has prov
ed a success in other cities and it ought
to work here. Certainly it couldn't pos
sibly make matters any worse. The
commission scheme of government
has been a joke in Salt Lake, ever
since its inauguration. Its failure is
chargealble partly to the system, but
mostly to the commissioners them
selves. Whether it can be patched up
in such a manner as to give the peo
ple a semblance of satisfaction, or
whether it will eventually have to be
abandoned altogether, still remains to
be seen.
Green's scheme involves the appoint
ment of a city manager, empowered to
personally direct all departments of
the city government and charged with
full responsibility for their conduct.
I am not at all surprised that this
plan appeals so strongly to the com
missioner above mentioned, particu
larly the transfer of responsibility. It
is a matter of common knowledge that
his teeth chatters at the thought of
having to assume even the slightest
responsibility himself. So naturally
he is desirous of shifting the miser
able amount of responsibility he Is
now charged with unto the shoulders
of someone else. That is the chief
trouble with the city commission; it
always has been, and the present,
board doesn't promise much improve
ment. But if we are going to have a city
manager, what's the use of having the
five commissioners. Granting that the
right kind of a man could be found,
the chances are that he wouldn't even
consider the Job unless the commis
sioners either promised to resign or to
furnish a (bond to keep their hands off.
So if Green will amend his plan, so
as to abolish the Ave commissioner
ships or give them mere perfunc
tory powers, I will agree to join hands
with him. The probabilities are, how
ever, that before we got our plans per
fected to patch up the present scheme,
the next legislature will have thrown
the whole shooting-match on the scrap
heap.
"ERE'S the latest argument in
JL favor of Prohibition. Also it
assumes to account for the Germans'
loss of the Battle of the Marne. They
(some enthusiastic prohibitionists)
would have us believe that it all hap
pened this way: that while the Ger
mans were crossing the champagne
country of France they got their feet
tangled in the celebrated wine cellars,
and, by the time they reached the
Marne they were all gloriously intoxi
cated and in no condition to flght.
Perhaps so; at least It makes a pretty
story, even though it does rob the
French of much of the glory of win
ning this decisive battle.
Moral: the use of intoxicants cost
the Germans the city of Paris, and
perhaps the war. But the anti-prohibitionists
are likely to reason inverse
ly ,and, admitting the allegation, argue
that because of such use of intoxi
cants, Paris and France were saved
to the world. It all depends on how
you set your sights.
Which recalls that other explana
tion of how the Germans came to de
feat at the Marne, one that is being
given a great deal of credence by the
military critics. It is alleged that von
Kluck purposely checked his forces
for a short period to enable the Crown
Prince to come up and lead the tri
umphant entry of the Germans into
Paris, and that the time thus lost en
abled the French and British to solid
ly form their lines. The delay is said
to have likewise allowed Gallieni suf
ficent time to rush the Paris garrisoc
in 30,000 taxis to the front. T1k
source of this story has been lost in
the telling, but it is certain that it
never originated in (France.
REPRISALS
Col, Richard L. Woodhouse said in
a recruiting address at Lexington:
"Nothing will stop the Huns' bar
barities but reprisals. If Rheimg
cathedral is destroyed, let us de
stroy Cologne cathedral. Ana on
every ship that enters the submarine
murder zone we ought to put Germans
of high rank."
Col. Woodhouse paused anc sinned.
"There's nothing like repnsa.s," lie
said. "A tobacconist sent a doctor the
other day a ten-dollar bo? or cigars,
saying he knew they hadn't been or
dered, but they were so excellent he
was sure the doctor would enjoy
them. Bill enclosed. Terms Strictly H
cash." H
"The doctor wrote back: H
'"Delighted with the clgais. Though H
it is true you haven't called me in, I H
venture to send you heiewith two H
prescriptions for rheumatism aild H
dyspepsia, respectively, that I am sure H
you will like, as they have given uni- H
versal satisfaction to my patients. My H
charges being $5 per prescription, we H
are now quits.' "Washington Star. H
HELPING THE FARMER M
The town man told the farmer man: H
"Your duty's plain, raise all you can. H
To beat the far-flung German foe you H
needs must plant and reap and sow. H
Bend to your task with zeal and haste. H
Don't let an acre go to waste. To win H
the European fight just spade all day H
and hoe all night!" H
"Quite so!" the honest farmer said. H
"At half-past three I leave my bed. H
The horrid sound of war's alarm has H
made me tackle this old farm and H
raise the dickens without stops, be- H
sides my ordinary crops. And I'll be H
true unto my trust, and raise a bumper H
crop or bust. But there I pause in my H
hard task to bow my head and humbly H
ask: 'What have you, gents, with all H
your prate, done for us farmers up to H
date?' " M
The town man threw his hands on H
high, then pulled them down to loud-
ly cry: H
"Ungrateful agriculturists, by cold
rains soaked and hot winds kissed, do
you not know that we are through H
when we have told you what to do?" H
Kansas City Star. H
NOBOD Y KNO WS H
jpTBSOLUTE knowledge have I M
1 none. H
But my aunt's washerwoman's sis- H
ter's son H
Heard a policeman on his beat H
Say to a laborer on the street, H
That he had a letter just last week H
Written in the finest Gieek, M
, From a Chinese coolie in Timbuctoo, M
Who got it straight from a circus M
Of a colored man in a Texas town M
Who got it straight from a circus M
clown, PB
That a man in Klondike had the HH
news M
lrom a gang of South American
Jews M
About somebody in Borneo M
Who heard a man who claimed to M
know M
Of a swell female society fake H
Whoso mother-in-law will undertake H
To "prove that her husband's sister's M
niece M
Has slated in a printed piece H
That bhe has a son who h?s a friend H
Who knows when the war is going to H
end. The Graphic. H