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THE ALLIANCE HERALD. FRIDAY, NOVEMBER t8, 1(121.
, RANDOM SHOTS One of these pioiessional para graphers remarks that personality will Jielp you on your way, but that per sonalities Mon't BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY Sheriff Miller is looking for some- one with a knowledge 01 distilling, who has had experience and knows the game, to take charge of a fifty- . gallon outfit recently captured and .get ready to supply the Thanksgiv ing and Christmas trade. If the fifty gallon still is too large, there are two -or three smaller stills available. The sheriff insists that the applicants be .able to manufacture a first class prdduct, such as this city has been .furnished In the past, and has already contracted for a supply of dead rats o be delivered daily. The King of the Ad Alley points out .that while there is no scratch on the bookkeeper's right cheek, there was a long blonde hair on his right shoulder .this morning. Now that the wemen are getting '.their hair bobbed, it's no longer a crime for a man to have a hair on his -coat. Maybe he got it where he got ihis dandruff at the barber shop. .And maybe he didn't. It'll be all right with us if the new neighbors have a phonograph, but there's one record, we hope will go out uf print. We uverheard an Alliance man tell ing a friend this week that it had been three years since he'd missed a meal. ""But," he said, "I've gone to six ban- Don't discourage your wife if she wants to associate with you, is a bit of advice from one of this year's crop of theatricel productions. "Viola Dana, movie star, sees cause for rejoicing all around, according to her press agent. She recalls that a time ago the cry was "No beer, no "workJ" "Isn't it glorious?" she quer Ses. "Now we've got both." THEORY AND PRACTICE. 'The esteemed Times, discussing the Lakeside oil project: "The Times has not been given to 'blowing' about the oil operations at Lakeside. Rather, it 3ias preferred to print the facts as the facts were known and to let each in- dividual draw his own conclusions. To do otherwise would be sheer folly." Two columns to the right, a headline -reads: "Brings in 1,000 Barrel Oil Well Near Rushville." If 'it's sheer folly to blow about the lakeside project, what sort of folly is it to romance about the Rushville project ? When is a rumor not a rumor? "When it comes from Rushville? All wells ar? 1,000-barrel wells when 'the report first cme3 out. The reformers who have been wor ried about the love-making going on in tthe court house may now be reassur ed. It isn't being done by any employe of the county, even if it is going on during working hours. The only love making anyone there knows anything about takes place in the county judge's office whenever there's a wedding, and if it's ever permissable, that's the time. Jesse Miller was giving some good advice to a young lady who told him ihnt tVi mt were killinc Dana's chick- ens something terrible. "Why," said Jesse, "come down to the office tomor row and I'll give you the name of some dope that will kill every rat within -four blocks." "Will it hurt the chick en V asked the young lady, with an in terested air. "I never thought about that," confessed the hotel man. TODAY'S BEST STORY. A young fellow and his girl com panion entered a soft-drink parlor and took theirplaces at one of the wiggly tables. There were many persons DRESS MY TOP The top protects you from the sun, the rain, and all other weather. Now you should protect your top. Tops cost money, and wear out fast, but, Tops can be protected. I have a dressing of my own make' that will put, and keep your top in perfect condition, providing you bring your car in a couple of times a season, and let me give it the once over. My charges are so small for this service, that you can not afford to let it go an other day. , When it comes to SERV ICE see Al. ALS AUTO SERVICE Between Drake Hotel and Elks Hub. grouped about the room drinking sodas, lemonades etc., through straws. After scanning the drink list, the young man proposed drinks of mod est cost, fumbling the small coin in his pocket at the time. The waitress returned presently with the order, taking the proffered coin. Then the couple began drinking through the straws. All at once the young lady ;n a spontaneous and somewhat volum inous voice exclaimed, "My sucker's broke." Whereupon the young man admonished her, "What if I am? You needn t blab it all over the house. Some fellow was taking about an- plejack yesterday, and the tender tone in which he described the stuff brought tears to our eyes. ABIE IS BACK ON THE JOB. Abe Martin II. nf Rrido-onnt-t l back on the job this issue with some wore. "While the light holds out to burn" and nil that inrt nf !; We'd kill the fatted calf, but we have none. If killing the errand boy will nil tne dim, we u sacrifice our fathear in ms glorious occasion. Abe II writes: Going home yeste'dav after the rain from the bakery, Napoleon Muzzy stooped down and picked up a perfect ly good, fresh, bright new ten-penny nail. In doing so he lost in the water a perfectly good, fresh, bright, new thirty-cent pie. "I sometimes wonder." said Dr. Cyrenus Batt day before yeste'day, "if the reason why the bench sox it to the feller who conducts his own case, is to drive home the lesson that the legal profession is a closed shop. If so," Cy sighed, "I see the truth of the old say ing, 'He who acts as his own attorney has a fool for a client.' " it t, . j u: o i.. head the funny pages with the words, "The Comic Supplement" But for this precaution the chance for a laugh might in many cases be missed through oversight. "Harry Welkinring had trouble a week ago coming Saturday with his landlord. They were about to parcel out their parts of the corn, all husked and in one big pile. Crabb proposed to begin at the top, but Harry insisted working from the base to the peak, related Kin Gidley. "Well," said Basil Grump, "I can't see what differ ence that would make." "But," repli ed Kin, "you see Harry is a socialist, and he believes in dividing up." A citizen of Missouri who in self defense threw a Ben Davis and hit a neighbor on the solar plexus, the blow resulting fatally, was not indicted. The coroner's jury decided death re sulted from apple-plexy. Said Jeff Fundy: "Speaking of jokes, a man crossed the street this mornin' carrying a peach-basket half full of pertatoes." After a moment' reflection, Prof. Eliot Herring raised his head and remarked, "1 am unable to discern anything in that incident to excite merriment. What's the point? Kindly elucidate." "That's just it," replied Jeff: "there ain't any point" Duke Barrytone next day wanted to know of Jeff if the Prof, bit as easy as the boys was tellin' around. "Yes," Jeff declared, "Herring bit and I ketch ed him." "The poor fish!" exclaimed Duke. "Then," said Jeff, "the Prof, turned on me. He quoted something like thU, that he said he laughed at thirty years ago when he read it in the paper: 'It is a venial sin To steal a menial pin; But greater woes shall smite him Who steals a comic item.' The Prof, said he enjoyed the jingle exceedingly when he read it" "Well, I can't see any point to that," volun teered Duke. "Just what I remarked to the Prof. 'So you can not locate the point' he asked. 'Apparently,' he said, 'you think the pin is sawed off.' " A REVIEW OF "MAIN STREET" (By Joseph Warren Beach, Assistant Professor of English, the University of Minnesota.) "Main Street" is not the rtory cf a Minnesota small town. It is the story of small towns anywhere m America, of big towns anywhere; it is the story of American culture. Mr. Lewis has put into a long novel what Carl Sandburg has put more brieflv in his poem, "The Sins of Kalamazoo. ' "The sins of Kalamazoo are neither scarlet nor crimson. The sins of Kal amazoo are a convict grav, a dinlrvater drab." Kalamazoo is any American town. It's children grow up with a desire to see the vrorld; and iliev go to the railroad station and luy tick ets for Texas, Pennsylvania, Alaska. "And when they have looked the world Festival Bargains ON SALE MONDAY, NOV. 21st FOR THREE DAYS Two boxes Medallian Sta tionery for 76c Two pounds Cascade, high grade Linen Stationery, for 61c 0 I Two pints of pure imported Spanish Olive Oil, for $1.26 A Two bottles of fine grade Toilet Water, your choice of either Violet, Wisteria or Lilac, for $1.26 Two bottles DeWitt's Cough Syrup, for 36c Two bottles Kodak Dyspepsia Rem edy, for $1.01 Two boxes Imported Rice Face Pow der, for 61c HOT WATER BOTTLES ?2.50 guaranteed Hot Water Bottles and Fountain ' Syringe, two for $2.51 mm k 1 W- VX.J-S BARGAINS IN ONEIDA COMMUNITY SILVERWARE One Set Six Knives and Six Forks $4.58 One Set Six Teaspoons .98 One Set Six Salad Forks 2.49 One Berry Spoon ; 1.19 One Gravy Ladle 1.19 Make Our Store Yours While Attending the Festival. HOLSTEN'S over they come back raying it a all like Kalamazoo." But why stop with America? What Mr. Lewis found in Gopher Praii e, Matthew Arnold found eve'-y.'here in England fifty years n ?o. See ' Cul ture and Anarchy." Heine found it in Germany, and I'hubeit found it in Franco. They called it Philistin ism. The Philistine i- the enemy of ideas. People with ide:is lie regards as cranks; and he think thev ihould be put in prison and denied tiie pi al lege of the mails. Div Wli Kunni cott was a good doctor rmd n good physician, but he was a Philistine. Above all the PhillH'.iie object to those ideas which go uudir the name of beauty. The Philistine likes com fort and he likes a show. He wants steam heat and he wants out ghiss. But simple beauty makes him un env. And if he could, he would pass a law againstjt America is the hotbed of Philis tinism. But there are hopeful s pm, Not the least of these is the i-opulanty of "Main Street" It is lifle !nrt of a miracle that this book should be a best seller. It i much too good for that Mr. Iewis only knows the temptations resisted bv him in Its making, what he denied himielf in' the way of the sentimental, the "comedy," the "sob-stuff. " Ami peo ple are reading this sober tale and quarreling over it low-brow und high-brow, up and down the 'nnll Conviction of sin is the first step to ward reformation. That is when we see light. "Main Street" is the cuilty conscience of America. TIIE NEXT BEST THING "Willie, where did you f,et that black eye?" , "Johnny Smith hit me." "I hope you remember what your' Sunday school teacher suid about heap ing coals on the head of your enemies." "Well, ma, I didn't have any coal, so I just stuck his head in the ash bar rel." Boston Transcript INHUMAN TREATMENT Heroine (in the melodrama) "WhA are those shrieks?" Villain (relentlessly) "They hart) tied an American to a chair and ar showing him a bottle of Scotch." London Passing Show. ' It's a sad world. About the tlm a man gets rich enough to afford a fine automobile, he can t get his waist line behind the steering wheel. There are two classes of public men, those who have nothing to conceal ana those who think the press should. b curbed. Any good movement will succe-l if i it is put over before it has a tha.ice to become a political issue. The marriage will probably be permanent arrangement if the bride's trousseau includes a few gingham aprons. Still, it's a lot easier to love oufc fellow men if they are women. After all, the best way to elevate th massej is to raise children properly. Prepare Now for the Winter of Life rE ASSURED of comfort and plenty when your earn ing capacity is limited by feeble and dimming eyesight. The young couple who save part of each week's earn ings are building securely against want and worry in their declining years. Sacrifice the small pleasures of youth and practice thrift now, that indepen dence may be yours when old age overtakes you. Open a savings account at this reli able Bank TODAY. We will gladly help and advise you in all money matters. 5 Interest on Time Deposits The First State Bank r s5 You'll get somewhere with a pipe and P. A. Start fresh all over again at the beginning I Get a pipe! and forget every smoke experience you ever had that spilled the beans t For a jimmy pipe! packed brimful with Prince Albert, will trim any degree of smokejoy you ever registered! It's a revelr.tionl Put a pin in here! Prince Albert can't bite your tongue or parch your throat Both are cut out by our exclusive patented process. So, just pass up any old idea you may have stored away that you can't smoke a pipe I We tell you that you can and just have the time of your life on every fire-up if you play Prince Albert for packing! What P. 'A. hands you in a pipe it will duplicate in a home-made cigarette! Gee but you'll have a lot of fun rolling 'em with Prince Albert; and, it's a cinch, because P. A. is crimp cut and stays put! Print Albtrt It ttld in ttppy rtd btft. tidy rtj tint, hmndttmt ptmnd mnd KmU pound tin humidor t mnd in tht mound tryttmi gloat humidor with tpongt moitttnmt 11 . toprrffht 1111 Bf R. J. R.yaoMa T.b.cc. Co. WlulM-StlMk M.C iiiiiini;ii:iii:i:niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii;iiiiiiiiiiiiii!;i;iiiiiiiiiiiii;iiiiniiii:)n:t the national joy smote