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The Semi-Weekly Tribune.
IllA I.. 1IAIIIC, I'ruprlrtor. TKKMS: $1.25 IN ADVANCK. OUR BUDGET OF FUN. SOME QOOD JOKES, ORIGINAL NORTH PLA'ITE NEBRASKA. AND SELECTED. 1 WORLD? Ono way to prevent seasickness Is to remain on land. Dewey left Port Bald as soon as his ihlp was coaled. Enough Said. The wicked mosquito Is never satis fied until ho lands behind the bars. A musician ought to enjoy tho com pany of tho banjo ho picks himself. Monoy makes tho maro go, but rail way officials prefer to run trains on time. A truo friend spcaka of your vices to your faco and of your virtues boblnd your back. Tho man who can honestly say ho doesn't bcllevo In luck has all tho money ho needs. Now that tho preliminaries In tho Dreyfus caso havo gono beyond the hugging point they will soon got down to real business. Tom Reed has demonstrated that It Is Just as easy for a big man to drop out of sight as It Is for a smnll man to leap Into tomporary prominence. Tho St. Louis professor who sug gests tho nnmo of Usona for this coun try has missed his calling. Ho should bo writing advertisements for biscuit makers. Tho Uoston pollco nro looking for a missing girl whoso nnmo Is given In full as Mnry. Pocslbly this Is tho Mary whom tho lamb loved. Her surnamo was also withheld. Spain Is not yet barren of colonics. A glanco at tho map will show that flho still possesses tno ponal ncttlo monts of Ccuta and Fernando Po and o plcco of tho Sahara desert as big as Texas. Tho Dons aro probably hold ing these cholco lots to await a rlso In current prices. Another burglnr has been routed, horse, foot and artillery, by a Chicago woman whom ho met as ho was carry ing awny a bag of hard-earned plun der. Tho man must havo been n Btranger. Native burglars havo long since learned that tho Chicago woman In her wrath Is moro terrlhlo than a ton-acro lot full of policemen. Amcrlcnn superiority In every art Is becoming recognized tho world around. A somewhat embarrassing Indication of tho high appreciation nwarded American skill Is given In n dispatch from Sweden, which states that Swed ish banknotes nro being extensively counterfeited nnd that "tho excellence of tho counterfeit seems to provo that tho plates wero mado In America." Tho pooplo of other states will bo curios to learn how Missouri goto on with her now stntuto against depart ment stores. It classifies merchandise undor 88 separato heads, and Imposes a special tax upon any merchant who sells goods of moro thnn ono clnss. As tho freedom of trado has hitherto been among tho iincnumcratcd rights of tho citizen, tho courts havo yet to pass upon tho question whothor tho legislature can restrict tho freedom. Such Is tho tendency to specialism In theso dnya thnt Prof. Iladloy, tho president-elect of Ynlo, who Is chlolly known as a political economist, would doubtless shrink from being examined In his fnthor'a Greek grammar. Hut after nil, of whnt great uso la tho Orcok languago to Amorlcana? What wo want to know is tho truth: Whnt kind of nntlonal, stnto or local legislation will prtnluco tho greatest good to tho grent cat numbor? Collogo endowments Ueop collegians awny from a chnnco to got at tho truth. Whether Hndlov' Mnna nro wrong or right they will provoko uiscusaion in a fertile Held of roform. Tho agricultural department hna Is ucd n hullotln treating of tho probablo success of tho efforts of tho depart ment to establish tho Sm vriin fin In. dustry In Cnllfornln. It nppeara that tho fruiting of tho Smyrna ilg Is de pendent upon tho Introduction from tho south of Europo nnd tho establish ment In California of a Httln iimnnt which fertilizes tho fig. Experimental introductions of tho Insect woro thoro upon bogun, nnd some of thorn brought over In 1803 havo succoded I n nnnn- tratlng tho closed flowers of tho Capri flgs growing at Fresno, making tho first stop of tho experimental wnrlr n success. Tho bulletin ndds: "Since tho Insect has maintained Itself for nn ontlro year thoro is reason tn Bimnmn that It will contlnuo to breed, and that California in tho near futuro will bo blo to placo a fig upon tho market which will possess tho saruo superior flavor as that which has clven thn im. ported Smyrna llgs tholr pro-eminent commercial ranic. Chlcngo has at last occupied tho po sltlon London has occupied for so many years, tho distinction of adding every year a good-sized city to Its pop ulation. Tho best estimates of tho dl roctory exports show that during tho past year tho city has increased in population 136,000, making a total grand population of 2,019,000. Pass Ing tho 2,000,000 mark nnd adding n city of, say, about tho slzo of Indiana polls every year, Chicago will enter the now century with a prospect of leading all its records in tho matter of phenomonal growth, Chicago Preacher Sees in "Kissing Bug" the Locust A now nnd terrible significance Is attached to the advent of the "kissing hug" by Professor A. M. Leonard, the npostlc of the Mission of the Messen ger of Truth, In Chicago, In n rccont discourse before a large audlcnco tho speaker pronounced tho mysterious plclpcs to bo the veritable locust which tho book of Kovolntlon says shall como from tho bottomlosa pit, uttack men with tho sting of tho scorpion, from tho offects of whosio bite tho victim shall linger flvo months, nnd which fastens Itself upon those whoso fore heads do not bear the seal of the Lord. Ho read extensively from tho book of Rovolntlon, npplylng oach vorao to several recent calamities, such ns tho cyclone at St. Loula, tho sinking of La Uourgognc, and tho tornado In Wis consin. Professor Leonard referred to tho historic "dark day" of 1798 nnd the falling of the stars In 183.1 as modern evidences that prophecies of tho Dlblo nro fulfilled. In rapid sentences tho npenker then dellevcrcd his theory of tho mission of tho "kissing bug." "You have all read of this latest mysterious visitation which has como to tho earth," said Professor Leonard "tho Ho-callcd Musing bug, which stlnga men on the Hps, nnd leaves them In tcrrlblo agony. Hero la whnt I take to be tho Hlbllcnl prophecy of their coming from tho ninth chaptor of the book of Revelation: " 'And thcro came out of tho smoko locusts upon the earth; nnd unto them was given power, ns tho scorpions of tho earth havo power.' ' 'And It was commanded them that they should not hurt tho grnsa of tho earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree, but only thoso men which havo not tho seal of God upon their foreheads.' ' 'And to them It was given that thoy should not kill them, but that thoy Bhould bo tormented flvo montha; and their torment was as tho torment of a scorpion when ho strlkoth n man.' "This Is what Is said of tho comlrfg of tho Eo-cnlled 'kissing bug In tho HIblo. This Insect which has stung men all ovor tho country, nnd which Is unknown to tho scientists. "Professor Chonto of tlio Field mu seum has said that thcro has ncvor been known nn lnstnnco of tho real 'kissing hug,' or plclpcs, which lives HERE In tho South, biting u man. What, then, Is this mysterious Insect but tho visitation of 0110 of tho last of those torments which tho Bible has declared shall como, and which precedes tho final destruction." Professor Leonard then went on to descrlbo tho kissing bug as ho has boon described by tho several victims, nnd read moro extracts from tho hook of Revelation showing thnt tho now bug corresponded with tho foarsomo scor pions seen by tho npostlo John In his wonderful vision. Sovernl women In tho audlcnco gavo evidence that their nerves wero being somewhat wrought up by tho lurid arguments of tho speaker. "What Is tho meaning of this gath ering of nations In tho East?" contin ued Professor Leonard. "It moans tho time of thnt last terrible battlo la near, after which tho scriptures say that 200,000,000 angels shall appear and de stroy n third of mankind. All tho events which I havo related to you have nppcared In exactly tho order they aro named In tho Bible. If thcro had been one lnpso In tho chain thcro would hnvc been room for you to doubt that tho scriptures were being fulfilled. If the mysterious bug or reptile had appeared years ago It would not havo had the effect that Its presont nppearanco has when tho forces of tho world aro gathering for a tcrrlblo war. "We know from the Bible Itself that Shadowed in Book of Revelations. tho heavens arc above us and that the destroying angel was cast out Into the bottomless plt.whlch la upon this earth Itself. From this pit shall rlso the source of destruction of nil mankind. Everything has been growing worso steadily upon this earth until wo are wondering whnt will como next. Chil dren have been getting so that they do not oboy their parents; they spend their time In running about the streets, rushing tho growler, nnd engaging In all kinds of Iniquity. I tell you, my friends, thnt no ono realizes how noar to the end of all this we are. "I regard tho appearanco of thla bug ns a final warning to tho people of this earth to prepare for tho hereafter. If they do not heed It Ih their own fault. How many in this audience accept tho statements which I havo mado as truo?" AN ENLARGED PHOTOGRAPH OF THE STINGER. Miirrlcd h I'rlnro. La Cavallorl, tho prettiest woman here, perhaps In Europe, Is now tho wlfo of the Prlnco Bnrantlnsky, a mem ber of a proud Russian family, with whom sho ran nway last April, says a recent cnblo from Paris. Tho news thnt a cercmonlnl wedding has oc curred astounds tho boulevards. Tho prlnco has for a fnthor-ln-law n news paper peddler on tho boulevards. His mother-in-law 1b a waBherwoman, poor nnd honest, but very unpresentable nnd vulgar. Ho la delighted, howovor, In his luck In securing their charming daughter, and feels, nt nny rato at this momont, most nmlahly toward his pnr-ontB-ln-law. Tho marriage was has tened by the fact that tho profligate Prlnco Henri d'Orlcans was pursuing tho womnn with such fervor that sho was forced to accept ono admirer or IS A PICTURE OF THE "KISS ING tho other. Between two princes sho chose tho Russian. Prlnco llnratlnsky la a rather uninteresting person of smnll Intelligence and dissipated ways. Ho has spoilt n groat deal of money, nnd Implicitly believes that he la a dis tinguished personage. If ho Is It la purely bccntiso of his family descent, for tho first thing ho has ever done of moment except cat and drink Is to marry a washerwoman's daughter. In most respects, however, tho girl gets tho worst of tho bargain, ns all tho prince's attributes wero tho8o owned by hla ancestors, while hla brldo has undoubted qualltlea, tho greatest of which la beauty. La Cavallorl sang at ono of tho leading entertainment houaes, Foil Borgero. Sho carried all before her with hor beauty. Her com plexion Is of a beautiful pink nnd white, her eyes of a hcavonly bluo, her flguro perfection. Her expression Is of tho chaste, religious sort so popular here at tho present tlmo. Their woo ing lasted many montha. The prince had rlvnlH by the score. He loaded the slugor with Jovel3 and presents. Ho carried her off from the Prlnco d'Or leans, who was duly furious, and who. It was said, waa.ready to fight anothe. of hla ridiculous duels about tho mat ter, but who managed to control him self. Tho prlnco nnd princess aro spending nn Idyllic honeymoon, It la not likely that tho bride will return to the stage, thouch It Is not clear how tho noblemau Is situated financially, His family aro furious at the marriage and the prince may not tako his pie blan wife to Russian. MIDSUMMER NIGHT TORTURES. Country I.I fa Durlni; tliu lint Wenther I Nut it ltllful Drciiiu. Tho fantasy of a poetical mind can with very little effort call up for men tal review such a falryllko ensemble as Shakespeare has so gracefully depleted In thnt light and airy creation of his, "A Midsummer Night's Dream," but the practical prose slave who sees things only as they actually exist in his own particular clrclo shrugs his shoulders superciliously and offset sentiment by a description of n mid summer night reality ungarnlshed by nny decorative frills of Imagination. Tho Individual who la envied, perhaps "KISSING DUG'S" DEADLY by those who cannot, as he does, rush nway to sylvan shades at the very first approach of warm weather, frequently nppears of a morning on the Incoming train a veritable wreck from loss of sleep occasioned by thoso weird and uncanny sounds that aro a foe to tho slumber of mortals, though perhaps forming n part of the orchestra which Interprets terpslchorenn moasurcs for Titanic In the moonlight arrayed in diaphanous garments of cobweb3. When his tired eyelids suggest the pleasures of his downy couch nn owl with persistent mournfulncss bcginB a serenade that grates on tho nerves, nnd. until Its Identity Is established it suggests tho waillngs of tho banshee. If ho Is perchance wakeful and in tho humor to read ho finds that his lamp la tho mccca for moro kinds of flying things than ho ever thought could be BUG, SAID TO BE AN ENEMY OF SINNERS. reckoned In Insectology. To ndd to his discomfort glnnt bugs with resound ing thuds of tho most startling charac ter dash their brains out against the screens In a vain effort to Join tho clr clo nbout tho evening lamp, nnd a bat porchnnco livens up matters by frantic ally flying with blind swirls and whlrr3 over his head until capturo or retire ment la Inevitable. At last in bed tho gentle mosquito proceeds to warblo near at hand, If a netting prevents n personal caress, Just to show there la 110 hard feeling, and he keeps up n lengthy monologue thnt wero ho a dog Would causo tho sleepless mnrtyr to dcclaro that his bark was worse than hla bite. Tho dog, however, Is not to bo left out of tho midsummer night's reality. He Is generally ono that sleeps nil day long and bays the moon, wheth er thero Is ono or not, from bedtime to daybreak. An aslnlno rooster, who mistakenly regards midnight as morn ing, ndds his noto to tho volcea of tho night, and when poor, tired humanity thinks nt last there Is a respite tho In dustrious running fly begs to differ with him, thus finishing what is a truthful picture of what a midsummer night is In reality, with apologies to Shakrspearo that there cannot bo-more found who enjoy tho dream and les3 who wrestle with the nightmare Philadelphia Times. Tho man whom losses would make desperate good luck would make equal ly so. THE SOLDIER'S LEXICON. A I'rWnto'it Novel Dclliilllnnt of Somi Military Term. One of tho privates of tho Thirty, first Michigan brought up with him from Cuba part of what is known at "Tho Prlvato's Dictionary," Eays tht Harrlsburg Telegraph. For the benefit of thoso who nro not conversant wltb military terms some of the definition! are reproduced: Private The whole bonnet. Colonel The trimmings. Major An officer of minor Impor tance. Mule An Irreligious brute of the nnlmal kingdom. His rank Is three notches above first sergeant. Bugler A third-class private oi wind-jammer, who disturbs slumbet and poker gamoa, Mess A poor excuse for a square meal. Pass A thing In demand, not good In a street fight or police court. Discharge A ticket to heaven. Pay Day A great day In the army, when all men are alike; a day to set tie disputes and patronlzo the can teen. Canteen A place where we get out beer nnd tho big head. Guardhouse A haven for rest foi good soldiers. Guard Duty A crime unpardonable. Drill A disgrace to any private. Dre33 Parado A sport the ofilccn are stuck on, or Anglo-Saxon for cake walk. Craps A good way to dispose ol $15.00, or the game that made the American soldier famous. Ofllcer3' Meeting A gathering ol thirsty officers In n secret place to discuss politics. Surgeon A second-hand horse doc tor, who gives you oil for n sprained ankle, and then puts you on double duty. An Aimtnill.in Hiding Outfit. Tho Australian's outfit Is an adapta tion of tho Briton's. Tho colonial saddle grows a peaky pummel and i high protecting cantlc; the mild Eng lish knco-roll becomes In Australia a firm, deep, six-inch pad, and even the back of the thigh la held in place by o solid flange sewed upon tho saddle-flap. As with his saddle, so with the rc3t ol tho stock-rider's equipment It 13 as tho Englishman's, but moulded and strengthened to sterner usage. The mild and mostly ornamental hunting-cap becomes n ten-foot and ter ribly effective stock-whip. The chain, tho curb, tho double rein, and all the moro or less fancy attachments aro stripped from the brldlo In favor ol the simple snaffle, and a head-piece and single rein of leather, so substan tlal as to defy the roguery or terror ol any ordinnry horse to break them Crupper, brcastplnte. martlneale- theso nro used or left aside, according to the build, tricks, nnd temper of tho mouni, witn a alnglo eye to usefulness, and no thought of tho ornamental. I speak of workaday attire and saddlery, not of tho fleeting glories of a holiday rig-out; and, speaking thus, it must bo said that tho Australian's outfit is plnnned with a single eye to utility. Harper's Magazine. Tho rutlier of ArUoim. Charles D. Boston, upon whom tho territory of Arizona has Just conferred n pension of $25 a month, Is known as "the Father of Arizona." Ho I3 tho first delegate to congress from that sec tion. Ho 1ms been a world-wide trav eler and Is full of storlo3 of China sea pirates and how ho governed his llttlo kingdom of Tubac. Nn Miutuchfs Thcrr. Men exposed to the rigors of th Alaskan winter never wear mustaches. They wear full beards to protect tho throat and face, but keen the unner lln clean shaven. The moisture from tho orcam congeals so quickly that a mus tache becomes Imbedded In a noiM nnV- of Ice and the faco Is frozen In a short lime. Slvlllzashun needs moro wrong fearln, man-lovln men, and less God lovln pretense. A Vnrlety of Jokoi, allies nml Ironies, Original nnd Bolectcil Ilotmun nnd Jotsmu from tlio Tldo of Humor Witty Sayings. A Juno Proposal. Sho woro a red roso in her golden hair My queen of all the world so sweet so fair; Full tenderly my offered heart sho tlok, Then told mo calmly that sho couldn't cook. Church II ills. Sho "What Is tho utu action that draws you to church?" He "Tho belles." t,.... !Li . Tho IMuciitoil Thief. "Tho testimony Is against you," said tho pollco Justice, "la clear and con clusive You spend your time com mitting petty thefts." "Yes, your honor," responded the prisoner, venturing to wink ni tho court, "I am an embodied protest against tho existing condition of things. I am a round robbln, your honor." But his honor was equal to ' tho emergency. "For tho next CO days, anyhow," ho said, frowning at tho prisoner, "yott won't bo around robbln'. You'll bo 0 lall bird. Call tho next case!" Ono Woman' AVItdom. Ho had proposed to the Idol of his heart, but things had failed to como his way. "Do you know," he said, as ho was leaving her presence forever, "that you aro wringing ray heart from my bosom?" "Possibly," nho answered, coldly, "but it's cither that or marry you and wring tho bosoms from your shirts In after years." Seeing that tho caso was hopele33 tho party of tho first part lit a clgar etto and wandered hence Into tho hither. Ho KnTT What Win Wonted. "You understand tho necessity for making this report as favorable as pos sible?" "I think I do." "Of course we don't want nny down right lying about It. You understand that. But wo want It well, ns csti mlstlc as It can bo made." "I know exactly what you want. I used to bo a census enumerator up in Chicago." lilt DdfcilRC. Flagler I saw the agent for tho So ciety for tho Prevention of Cruelty to Animals coming out of your houso thla morning. What's tho matter? Nagdby Yes; I had him drop in to warn my mother-in-law. Cnught tho Cur. "13 Mr. Goodheart still paying at tention to your daughter?" "Ho Isn't paying her nny atteutlou nt all." "Indeed! Did sho Jilt him?" "No; ho married her." No Oloro to Out. Sister So you married for money, eh? Well, did you get It? Brother All sho had. Mukes Tli ut a Ilusluest. Pilson Aro you going to take pan In that guessing contest Dilson Oh, no; they'd rule me out as a professional. Pilson Professional ? Dilson Yes; you know I am con nected with the Weather Bureau.