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WATERBURY EVENING DEMOCRAT, TUESDAY, OCTOBER 22, 1895.
" THE STOKY OF A JOKE. rr 2( It, fcat Aaother Fcllolr fuld For It. ifta mtafcjing editor of a now dead ftoi fofoctoa newspaper was an admirer of httsao. Without a epark of it in his o?n csaposition, ho had learned in his lotst newspaper experience that a jn dtcfons injection Of wit and fancy raado ft P?per Bojrolar. He learned the lesson e-tflfir than the other editors in the town, ad his was the first paper to en Urea its page with bits of humor. The ?ld tnaA'1 recognized his own incapac Ijy in th matter of jokes. He know that taonsanda langhed at things that eeem oi foolith and flat to him. When ho Etartod using; humorous matter,. he hired n young man to supervise the prepara tion and publloation of the stuff. Know iaj absolutely nothing about jokes and iokers, he employed a man who had pi$ a reputation among other people by his work on an eastern funny paper. The young man had a brilliant idea. H offered ft reward of $2.60 for erery original joke brought in by members of tie staff. Tho "old man' backed him up nothing was too expensive if it sold papers. The result of the prize offer was a remarkable outpouring of alleged wit. One man caught tho fever tho first day. Timidly ho went to tho professional humorist. "Do you buy jokes here?" he asked. The humorist took the proffered pa per from the new man's hand and read it. 4 ' Yes, ' ' he said, and handed back the paper. The newcomer retired crestfallen. Immediately following this passage at arms Frank Walsh, tho bast hearted fel low in the office, scribbled a few lines on a sheet of paper and handed it to the professional humorist. Without a word the latter wrote out an order on the casher for $2. 50. The other members of the staff wondered at tho'occurrence, and watched the paper for tho appear ance of the joke. It was not published, and after a few days the boys began to ask about the witticism the editor had paid for and did not use. Finally Walsh told them what it was. Here it is : 4 4 Youn Man (handing paper to edi tor) Do you buy jokes here? "Editor (returning paper) We do. " Chicago Chronicle. WANTED TO BORROW HIM. The Queer Request Two Women Made an:l the Reason Therofor. A genial Philadelphian, who for ob vious reasons does not care to have lm name printed on this occasion, secured a parlor car seat on an express train for Reading a few days ago, and as he wa about to pass through the gates was sur prised to hear himself accosted in femi nine tones with the somewhat startling question, "Please, mister, could I bor row you for awhile?" Looking around, ho found two buxcir women, who hastily and hesitating!; explained that they were riding on i pass made out in the name of a ger!e man and his wife, and, as tho gentle man wa not present, they wanted tlu genial locking citizen to place In bought lielxt at tho disposal cf one lad;, and take. Ike ether cno under his wing, while he pe;iouatcfl tho absent ownoi of tho ro-ss. ""SYhkh is my wife?" he inquired with an inward quelm, lest his own ab sent Letter half should ever hear th; story. "You can tako your choice, sir, " said the lady hi rc-arch cf an escort, and he promptly did eo by tucking tho arm of tho younger fair one under his own and leading her into the car. The couple proved to be right jolly traveling com panions, and the citizen's only regret ir. the transaction was due to a fear that the story might leak out and get home ahead of him. But it didn't. Philadel phia Record. Whimsical Father Schaubel. Father Schaubel, who died a few years ago, was well past his eightieth year. He was another dead in earnest Christian. A good many years ago his workmen, while hauling earth from one of his lots, encroached cn one of mine, and I spoko to him about it. He thresv up his hands in a surprised way and exclaimed, "Tho whole earth is made of dirt, and shall we quarrel about a wheelbarrow load of it:" Ho had a strong German accent. A short time be fore he died I met him cn the street and said, "Well, Father Schaubel, how dc you find yourself?" "I find myself ach ty -four years alt," he replied. "And how do you like it?" "Ach, veil, ve must be satisfied." That was a favorite maxim with him, to bo satisfied that is, contented. He was a gardener. On year there was, for some reason, a great scarcity of tomatoes, and ho had a large crop. In reply to a question what he was getting for them, ho replied: "Two dollar und fifty cents a bushel , hero in de field. Ah, veil, ve must be satis fied." Chicago Interior. The Orlcin of "Stoughton Bottle." Did it ever occur to you to wonder where the expression ' ' Stoughton bot tle" camo from? Senator Palmer used it tho last time I saw hira and I asked him about it. wny, saia ne, "it comes irom a certain toughton's bitters that used to be very popular when 1 was a boy. Stoughton's bitteis was a sort bf table eauce, very weak and tasteless, and real ly useless. So when anybody stood around as useless as a bottle of Stough ton's bitters on a dinner table people got to saying that he was a Stdughton bot tie, until as an expression. for general Ehiftlessness it came to be an accepted rm Washincrf-nn Prist,. GAIL BORDEN II BEAGLE Braid! Is a .4 J-4 i t 3 -CONDENSED IULkA & Has No EquAl I SOLD EVERYWHERE THE SOCIABLE GAME. BOSTON SOCIETY'S RADICAL INNOVA - TIONS AT POKER. Icbi of Sixty Cards and "IUncrdoodles' Among th New Features Sympathy For Losers and Luncheon With "A Wee Nip" For All The Little Kitty. Could the late- Minister Schenck, who gave to the world during his diplomatic life a treatise on the fascinating Ameri can game, attend a modern poker party he would certainly declare that the world has moved backward, in one re spect at least. Very few peoplo outside certain cir cles of the Back Bay have any conception of the extent to which poker playing is carried in that section. The whole lo cality is divided into "sets," and it is customary for each one to hold a session at his or her house nearly every night in the week. The usual hour for beginning play is 8 o'clock, and it is customary for the ladies to dress for the occasion, whilo the gentlemen not infrequently array themselves in full evening costume. The standard limit is 10 cents, one j reason for maiing it so small being that j the conscientious shall not feel that they j are gambling. It is frequently remarked i by this one and that one that they have j not come out for the purpose of making anything only to havo a social time. This statement appears somewhat incon gruous when placed side by sido with ; the look of satisfaction that is notice- j able when a good sized jackpot is tak- ! en in. j Another feature of society poker is tho great amount of sympathy expressed for the players when the cards are run ning badly and they havo been called upon to interview the bank for tho fifth or sixth time. The heaviest dealers in sympathy are thoso who have tho largest stack of chips before them. It does not cost anything, and it is believed by the ones who peddle it out that it will im press the others with a belief that they are real generous. Bnt a careful observ er will notice as the game progresses that the unlucky one is always raised by those who believe they have the best hands, notwithstanding tho size of their stacks. This is called poker table sympathy and is as shallow and 'meaningless as much of tho talk heard among society people. Generally there are three hours of play, after which tho hostess asks her guests to a light repast, consisting of sardines, crackers, cheese and sweet meats. Bottled beer is the favorite bev erage, but there are instances on record whero something stronger has been in dulged in. A great many society peoplo of both sexes drink rum punch, lemon ade dashed with whisky and plain gin. The usual time devoted to refresh ments is 15 minutes, as all aro anxious to get at tho cards again. . 'Now the peculiar features of society poker, which aro contrary to the "for mula" presented by the lamented Schenck, are novel and numerous, and while they are readily accepted by rrino- tenths of those who play just for the fun of tho thing, yet tho other tenth is unalterably opposed to them, but, act ing in accordance witn tno principle that the majority should rule, ail efforts to havo tho game rid of them have been abortive. The most pain that tho small minor ity experiences in playing the evoluted brought in. It frequently happens that seven and eight players are present at a sitting, and when everybody "stays" the cards fall short, which necessitates gathering tip the "dead wood" and fill ing out the hands from it. There is a well grounded superstition that these discards have been robbed of everything of value, and that to draw from them is equivalent to throwing the chips into a redhot stove. To in a measure meet these exigencies 1 1 and 12 spot cards have been added, making the pack con sist of GO cards instead of 52. Thoso who have been accustomed to play at the clubs, where tho game still retains all its Schenckian purity, have a chill when they find these obtrusive cards aro to confront, them. Another innovation is tho "ringdoo dle. " Where the word originated is a mystery fully as deep as the practice it designates. A ringdoodle is declared when a hand has been called and fours aro shown. Then follows a round of jack pots, tho holder of the winning hand starting them. Blue chips are put up to corre spond with the number of players. Of course this makes a heavy drain on the stacks which have been lowered through the evening by ill luck, and if the own ?r of one of these happens to be an op ponent of the ringdoodle, he goes off on a long dissertation on how the game was once played. Of course a round of jack pots would bo equivalent to a ringdoo dle, but it comes easier to some players to pay on the installment plan. It has now become tho custom to make a discount of cao red chip for ev ery jack pot. Although this is a pretty heavy rake off, yet it all comes back to the players just before the wind up for the evening. When time has crept on toward mid night, the keeper of the kitty announces that a round of consolation jacks Will be played. The chips are divided intQ a number of piles corresponding with the number of players, and the . extras are placed in the center of tho table with the individual contributions. When society plays poker, there is al ways a big supply of cards on hand. If luck runs badly for a player a new pack is demanded, but it is rarely fortune changes her plans. She names the unfor tunate ones before the game starts, and no form of device will bring about an alteration in her programme. Boston Herald. - - A strenuous soul hates cheap success. :t is tho ardor of tho assailant that nakes the vigor of the defendant. mersoo. IF I HAD THE TIME. If I lial the time to find a place And sit mo down full face to faco With my better self, that stands no show In my daily life that rashes so, It might be then I would see my soul Was stumbling still toward the shining froal; I might be nerved by tho thought sublime, If I had tho time! , If I had the time to let my heart Speak out and take in my life a part, To look about and to stretch a hand To a comrade quartered in no luck land; Ah, God! If I might but just sit still And hoar the note cf the whippoorwill, I think that my wish with God's would rhyme, If I had the time! If I had the time to learn from you How much for comfort my word could do, And I told you then of my sudden will To kiss your feet when I did you ill If the tears aback of the bravado Could force their way and let you know Brothers, the souls of us all would chimo If we had tho time J r.ichard E. Burton. BY CHANCE. I don't know exactly why Jack called me governor, but I suppose it was be cause I was somo years older than he was and because, when he was a wee toddler, I had made him kites and showed him how to spin tops, and per haps because I used to help him out of scrapes, either with his teacher or somo playmate too large for him to "lick. ", At all events, I got the name, and it has stuck to me. What surprised me most, however, was to hear it a few weeks ago, when I supposed Jack was thou sands of miles away. I was strolling leisurely down an old street in Dublin, looking about for some old landmark of tho "stamping ground" of my child hood. How things had changed ! Yonder where the little frame church had boen was a stately stono edifice. Over the old golf links had been built long rows of stores and houses, but there yes, it innst be there was a house that had not been changed." "Governor," said avoice behind me, "isn't that tho houso whore' Alice lived?" I never should have known the speak er had it not been foT tho epithet. It was Jack, careworn and gray and look ing 85 instead of 27. "Jack, old boy, what brings you here? I thought you were in America. " . "I have been in New Orleans for a good many years. Helen used to like the climate, but the company's agent here has gone, and I must needs come and take care of the business until another man is appointed. Besidos the president knew that I once lived hero and thought it would bo both a change from my sur roundings and a pleasure to see the old place. But isn't that Alice's old home?" "Yes," said I, "I am quite sure of it, but you ought to know best. Wasn't she once a sweetheart of yoursrl' "Oh, don't speak of that! You pain me ! It brings back such a flood of sad recollections even to look upon the old scenes. I don't know that you have heard, but I am a widower.". "AIy poor fellow ! I extend you my most heartfelt sympathies. But I didn't know you had ever married. However, we have kept such poor track oi each other that I don't wonder at my ignd" rance. But can't you tell mo something of yourself? Come, I'm your. 'govern or.'" "Well, 'governor,' " said ho, with a faint shadow of his old smile, "I left America nino years ago. I went straight to Quebec and lived there three years. It was there I met her who became ro wife. Wo were married just six year.1 ago last month. Her health failed ana wo went sotith. She grow worse, gave birth to our first child and died. That was a little over two years ago, and iv the child is in good haud (my sister in-law 's) I consented to como here." "But, Jack, what mado you go tc America? Why didn't you stay here?" "Well, it was the same old talo ol tho young workingman net being fit tc marry his idol. As you said, Alico wa. my sweetheart. She said so herself, deai girl, but her brother Tom there wa: the difficulty. I called on Alico verv often and had asked her to bo my wife, though I was but 19. Sho said 'Yes,' but Tom wouldn't hear of it. I tried to bring him around by all manner cf means, but he was resolute. He had never liked mc, and ho never hesitated to tell mo so. In fact, ho took great pleasure in rating mo before as well as behind my back. 4 1 One night I think it was Hallowee a crowd of young fellows got out on a lark, and in their sport took Tom's small donkey out of its shed, and push ing it upon tho roof of a wagon house, which sloped almost to the ground, tied it there. Tom thought I was tho prime mover in tho trick, though I knew noth mg cf it, and accordingly the next night, when I called, promptly showed me the door, with tho injunction never to set foot inside it again. "I saw Alice at times, but she seemed somewhat changed. So after I had tried all in my power to straighten things I got angry about it, and when I was of fered a position in Canada I was glad to leave. My marriage was not spite work. I loved Alice and always shall, but knew I could be happy with Helen and then she said she loved me. " Just then we passed the house. It was the same old place wo both remembered. The same trees and bushes spread their branches about the lawn. In one corner of the yard stood a large, old fashioned bucket pump and on one of the boards cf the side fenco was tho rude, weather Stained carving, 4 4 Jack Higgins and Alico Neal." Jack turned red, then white, as ho looked at tho names and then glanced at me. 4 4 Do you suppose sho lives there now?" he asked. 4 4 I'm sure I don't know,'' I replied, "but let s ask some one. Several persons passed, but all seC3C3 I m a uuiry, so we went into a store ! across the street and inquired. Yes, Tom Neal and his sister lived there. Did we know thm? Indeed 1 No, his sister was rw.rV) -SA:1 Wn'W tof fefS' ICV.'-J nrJ r '.''-'J jJllL SSI Mllk ' "V-A SAVC'YQiin VinaPPERS orc3 sssuro qro or e set g? tho falScmlng Pictured: FIREMEN PAST and PRESENT VOLUNTEER XND FAJX. tlLET HER GO," " WHOOP HER UP," "THE OLD AND THE NEW," CUT HER kOOSE POYS,'? "START FORHOME," "UP TO DATE! not married. Some fellow off in Amer ica jilted her, so thoy said. "Well, Jack," said I, after we camo out, "I'm not a matchmaker, but if, as yon say, you always have had a warm affection for Alice, why don t you begin again? It isn't too late." Jack blushed, to the roots of his hair and said he should never go there after having been shown the door. I tried to coax him, but it would not do, yet all the time I could see he wished to meet his old 44 flame" once more. Jack and I lived together at the same hotel and daily I spoke to him of going to call as a friend. At last tho day be fore he was to return to New Orleans I got him down near Neal's home. Wo passed it six or eight times, and I began to feel foolish at promenading up and down the street. Once he stopped in front of the gate and he put forth his hand to open it, but drew back like a young schoolboy. Then I told him that I had had enough of such fooling and that when we approached again wo would Jiave to go in. We camo up. I opened the gate and pushed him forward up the steps. "Heavens, 'governor!'" ho gasped, "Ring tho bell for me!" Tom Neal camo to tho door and greet ed us warmly. 4 4 Jack," said he, "I owe you an apology have owed you one for years. I founi out who did that work with the donkey and I'm sorry I ever treated you as I did." Wo began to chat of old times, and shortly Alice came down stairs. She was the same girl we had known, only ma tured. I felt sure that she had seen us before we entered, for she was drossed in her loveliest. Sho met. Jack not quite like a sweetheart, but very tenderly. It did me good to tell them of Jack's diffidence and what a hard time I had to get him to come. They were a little displeased that he did not come before, and when wo said something about sail ing Alice exclaimed : "Sailing! What! Are you going back?" 44 Yes," returned Jack demurely, "I start tomorrow. " Alice hummed to herself a moment, then going over to him and taking his hands in her own, said : 4.Well, I don't propose that you" shall go without me. I havo loved you, and you me. You once asked me to be your wife, but we were separated. I know you are too bashful to ask me again, so I ask you to be my husband. " To say that wo were surprised is put ting it mildly, but Jack turned to me and said, 44 'Governor,' you are a matchmaker, after all. " Chicago News. Future of the Microscope. As the physician's assistant and guide , in diagnosis, tho microscope is coming rapidly to the front. It is now the cus tom with some advanced physicians whenever there is a case with obscure symptoms, or where consultations are j thought necessary, to draw a few drops of the patient's blood and examine it under the microscope. This almost in variably decides the condition and is, in many diseasos, an infallible guide, as the blood is the great sewerage sys tem of humanity. It takes up and car ries to the lungs whatever impurities may exist. There they are consumed or exhaled. It therefore stands to reason that the blcod is the index to the state of the system. Another test adopted by all up to date doctors is tho examination of the per spiration after a great degree of heat has been applied to the body. The suf ferer is put into a steam box, and after some moments of profuse perspiration the surface of the body is scraped with a sharp steel instrument, by means of which whatever impurities are thrown out may be taken from the pores. This, with the blood examination, is thoughti by some practitioners to afford all of the assistance necessary in determining the nature of the most obscure diseases. Of course, there are what may be called new diseases, and this method will en able the skilled microsoopist to detect them and study their genesis and treat ment. New York Ledger. HOOD'S FILLS cure Wver Ilia, Biliousness, Indigestion, Headache, A r-HaJwJii laxative. All Dmsslsta Fare to a Star. Besides being a great astronomer, Sir ' Robert Ball is a man of figures. He tells us what it would cost to reach one of tho most distant stars, supposing a rail way were constructed to it from London and that the lowrato of 1 penny per 100 miles prevailed. If tho intending pas senger could present to tho booking clerk the whole of the national debt of the United Kingdom a sum exceeding 670,000,000 he would require 5,000 huge carts to convey it in sovereigns to the ticket office. Even when tho poor clerk had accomplished the lengthy task of counting the "fare," he would want another 103,000,000 "before he would feel justified in issuing even a third clas3 ticket, and thero could not be a re turn ono for tho money. Scottish Nights. Pious Indians. The history of Canada, especially its earlier history, preserves tho story of many a deed of heroism and devotion on the part of Christian missionaries who worked and perished among tho In dians, but there are few stories which reflect so much credit on Indian piety as that published irom Quebec. Mon tagnais and Eskimos came i7rom tho southern shore of Hudson strait to wor ship in the province of Quebec. This in volved a tramp cn foot of 1,000 miles through an inhospitable country, "through forests, across rivers, mountains and lakes, to render a duty they owed to their religion. Boston Transcript. China's Name In Chinese. China and tho Chmeso know nothing of the name3 given "to them by thq Eng- j lish speaking world. j The ancient name of China is Tien- ' Hia. When the present dynasty began its reign, then the whole country was called Ta-Tsing-Kwoh. Chung-Kwoh was tho name given to that part known to Americans and English as tho Middle ; Kingdom. The Bark Joscphinn Lost. LoxDoy, Oct. 21. Tho steamer Azof has lauded at Fayal 12 Gf tho crew of tho Portuguese bark Josephina, Captain Vel lio, from Savannah fc?ept. IS for Lisbon and Oporto. The bark is supposed to have foundered. "Sliss Isabella Ferklas. Mis3 Isabella Perkins, who is about to go abroad for a couple of years, chaper oned by Mrs. Maud Howo Elliott, will at tho end of this period come into pos session of tho $17,000,000 left to her by her grandfather, Mr. Stephen Wold cf Boston. Sho is generally regarded as tho richest of tho Kewport hairesses, a3 she is tho only child of Captain and Mrs. Perkins, and tho latter camo into a similar amount. San Francisco Ar gonaut. Cause For Thanks. Schoolmaster Johnny, can yon tell me anything you have to bo thankful for during the past quarter? Johnny (without hesitation) Yes, sir. Schoolmaster Well, Johnny, what is it? Johnny Why, when you broke your arm you couldn't lick us for two months. London Answer. : iff! r Yms fIrt ( Ivorin contains also a cake of pure Olive 1 thm'c your Ivorine Washing: Powder is parfsct. In fact, I could not keen house without it. The cakes of Castile Soap that I find in each package are exceedingly nice. None of my family have had chapped hands since we began using this soao." - Mrs. Albert Whitney, Monroe Bridge, Mass. The J. B., Williams Co., Glastonbury, Conn., MakelnS8onasB'jramou 1 4C3Itst of Choice Premiums sant free upon Request. ' Lowell's Greatest Defect. ' In this same year, 1848, Lowell sent forth also "The Vision of Sir Launfal, his first attempt at telling a story in verse. Perhaps it is the best of all hia eericus poems loftiest in conception and most careful in execution. His habit then, as always, was to brood over tho subject ho wished to treat in verse,1 to fill himself with it and finally to write it out at a single sitting, if possi ble. He rarely rewrote, and hi3 verse lacked finish and polish, though it never wanted force. It was at this time that ho told Longfellow ho meant to give up poetry because he could "not write slowly enough." His poetry also suffered from another failing of his. He was not content to set forth beauty only and to let tho reader discover a moral for himself. Longfel low, Whittier and Lowell all insisted too much at times cn the lesson of the song. And Lowell knew his own defect and wrote later in life, 44 1 shall never be a poet till I get out of the pulpit, and New England was all meeting house when I was growing up." 44 James Russell Lovrell, ' ' by Brander Matthews, in St. Nicholas. Poor Man Standing I7p For Ills Rights. Of course there was a time and not so very long ago when men were ty rants and kept women under. Nowa days tho only thing denied them in polito circles is to whisk around by themselves after dark, and plenty of them do that. Tho law is giving them, with both hands, almost everything they ask for nearly as rapidly as exist ing inequalities are pointed out, and tho right of suffrage is withheld from them only because the majority of women are still averso to exercising it. Man, tho tyrant and highwayman, has thrown up his arms and is allowing woman to pick his pockets. He is not willing to havo her bore a hole in his upper lip and drag him behind her with a rope, but ho is disposed to con sent to any reasonable legislative changes which sho desires to have made, short cf these which would involve mas culine disfigurement or depreciation. Seribner's. Fopular Beliefs. Tho conversation turned upon the fatal number, Friday, salt spilling and other super Etitions. 4 'It is not well to make too much fun of such matters," gravely remarked Brichanteau. "For instance, I had an old uncle who, at tho age of ?7, com mitted the imprudence of making one of a dinner party of 13." "And he died tho next day?" Le Ribi inquired. "Ko, but exactly 13 years after ward." A shudder ran through the audience. -Paris Gaulois. He Was Out. ,4Did yen say I was out?" asked the player. "You bet I did," replied the umpire. "Well, I ain't out." . 44 Yes, you are," was tho serene re joinder. 44 You are out just $25." - And then tho game went on. Wash ington Star. rU . R , PS 0 imf's r nee. i? to have her house and everything about it neat and tidy. . supplies the housekeeper with the best of all washing powders, and at the same time supplies the family with a splendid toilet soap, because every packasre of Oil Toilet Soap. tr ,1111 BMMH wort eg; i K WA8H1K3 P0WDE8 y