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The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, November 05, 1886, Image 6

Image and text provided by South Dakota State Historical Society – State Archives

Persistent link: https://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/sn2001063112/1886-11-05/ed-1/seq-6/

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WOULD MAKE THINGS LIVELY.
I or© it railrond bruUomau,
holler the stations
BO
plain
*1
i.a.t Uk iimn who was going to Toxaa
Wo-jlu no cUuir through to Main©
I «.l vvi'T. tho door of tho Hiuokutg-rar
AU»L V1 Rivo such a m»chty roar
ho iKisooiiKors back in tho eloopor
Would *Ul fall out on tho floor
2 onui'lu'tafford-btonor voice,
Ami I couldn't afford to speak
7M th? sweot, soft tonea of JRoliau iimpa
i*or eleven dollars a week.
J! I witoa baggnse-iuastor.
raUlo tho trunks about
1 «t*ml them up in tho corner
And IYI tcuv thoir bowots out
wou'd pull tho handloa out by the root®,
I iron
Id kirk thoir eoruero in,
And strew thoir stuffing all round tho car.
And nmlio them lank and thin:
or couldn't afford to wear kid glovon
\or put noft pads on my foot,
Nor to handle things gontlv, whon all my pay
Just keeps mo in bread auilment.
Jv t-rvore railroad conductor,
AB through the train I'd go.
Vd lir.vo for ovcry quostiou they'd
'ask
lliis answer all ready, "Don't know
*1
m:s3 connections for lots of mon,
Id run lone passengers past—
1 ic)I thorn 'twas eight, when I Imow 'twn« ten,
A.rcd I'd swear their watches were fast,
lor I couldn't afford to bo civil
U'lvu I know evovy man in tho load
\Yo\ilt look «t my watch and ringanJ r\7,
l)n»m things from the road."
—•FiUiJ\irgh Sunday Glob?.
A CASE OF EXHAUSTION.
»Y .SLOWCFE.
Ho wasn't bud-looking fello.v. I'Vo
w:en worse—the morning utter nil election,
or a big political procession. Ilo bad an
air or good breeding. Now I think of it,
that was all he hud that was noticenblo.
Aboul. six feet in his stockings—I menn
shoes, (•(. bad shoes indeed. There was
a nole in the heel of one. Looked as if it
iui:{ht have been fished up out of a barrel
tbat hail stood a siege of cats, dog, and
lively 1KVS on an ash-lie:ip. 1 SAW—just
as plain ns you ever saw the sun—his bkin
fhmugh that hole.
smiled. Who wouldn't? A strapping
big fellow like that, with no socks on.
Directly he turned. As met his eyes, I
felt as mean as if I'd been detected liuger
lug the coupons on another man's bonds.
He was such a straightforward, honest
looking soul. 1. made an oxcuso to speak to
him.
"Incuse me—did 1 meet you in Omaha
l»tit Monday?"
Wish to heaven you had! Js'o, sir. I
couldn't get that far if wings were as plenly
grass, and as cheap. 1 belong to a largo
-a. r»••/ large family, sir."
"Ah!" I answered, very much amused
with his smile and saucy speech. Sc
breezy—so matter-of-course.
The name of the family is
Cautjjetaways. Prolifie beats every
thing on the Pacific slope. In fact. 1 don't
JUKKI telling you, ve are the real/genuine,
simon-pure out-and-out slopers."
He lookwd at Die quixzienlly, as if to say:
"T sun aware I am an object of ridicule,
hut 1 give you to understand 1 am not so
poor but that1 am able to discount jtour
estimat" «f me, straiiger."
1 was lookiug for a quiet place to sponge
the atmosphere out of my throat,'' I said,
"t'an you commend me to it?"
"The. place where the squirrel-cage is in
the window—ten or tv.elvc doers around
that corner."'
He was moving on, when I called after
hun- ''.See here, my friend. I never could
turn a corner alone—always have lo bj as
-sisteiL"
lie smiled again, moved on, hesitated,
came back, and looked in my eyes squarely.
"Just as you like, but—it's not my way. If
vou want (he company of a poor devil—"
There are no rich devils," said f—"who
ever huord of such a thing." So we went
together to look at the squirrel.
While the man with the smart necktie,
luLino»d pin, and superb head of hair was
nusing tho drinks, I learned why one mun
became a "sloper." As any attempt' to
alter or modify the phraseology of my
new acquaintance would simply divert it of
everything that gave it character, he shall
speak fan' himself:
"A very good liquor—permit me to say I
ought to be a judge. J'ellows who pour a
quart of stuff down are notorious!".1 bad
luilges. A mau who hasn't had a mint-julep
in it month of .Sundays—why, tie is a
•"tiLstcr' in the truest sense. To your health
—ruay you 'live long aud prosper,' and
never be so unfortunate as to depend upon
a glwst."
i^host! I see you don't lake."
1 do—thanks—a second won't hurt me.
Vw-11, half a dozen ou the shell to oblige
You. Not that I'm above oysters—haven't
bad rniy since I left—where w«s itV
Kansas City? yes been flat broke ever
smce. Nov/, if you don't look at use that
way again, I'll tell you lily f-torjr. And
iheu you may tell it to everybody you
know. Maybe it will prevent some donkey
us big as I have proved myself—but no!
that isn't possible, there can't !e another
•limkoy like me—from going over the same
yixiund I've been over.
"Know anything about voice culture?
Kiev belong to a Thespian society? Ever
stage-struck? Know anything about
elocution? Thank God, slrauger, give me
vonr hand. It's like striking a fountain of
«t:niai youth in a desert of burnt half
bricks to meet a mail who don't know any
thing about any of them. I do. Look at
nte I'm the embodiment of elocution, in
all that pertains to (he stage of human
action, where there is no action to speak of
»h'D a mail's beard is a month long, aud
lie. wiii:ts money enough lo pay a barber—
no possible way of raising a dime when
whisky is only a dollar a gallon.
I'm from Vermont. There's a snug little
(arui-honse way up in Vermont where, if 1
oui.l toast my shins before the (ire. I'd
be coddled by half a dozen pretty
iv isius. Well, they won't buzz
a-.ound me litis summer. There's a col
lego celebrated for its crack educators
and product in that State, of which 1 nui a
sample, that won't blush for my appear
ance in its corridprs this year,.likely. And
ain't half bad lookiug. How does it all
come atiout? Let me whisper in your ear
•one, word—elocution.
Fact. Tells the whole story. I'll hang
on tho trimming' for your especial benefit,
twas asked to assist at a farce—my class
furs class got it up. I was immense.
That was '.lie word. It broke me all up.
I. was on hand in every amateur perform
ance from that time forward. What did I
act.' \V1 at didn't 1 act? I am a fine, O,
a.n elegtt!-:t, a superb reader. No! .I won't
read to you. I'm not an ingrate. I'm run
down at the heel, lilcst if I've had a pair
of socks since I left St. Joe. but I won't.
positively decline lo demonstrate Jny elo
cutionary powers here besides, it's a bar
room. This outfit probably cost $3,00(1,
and I won't SHIRSII it with my eloquent out
buru'B. You de-\\bt my ability to do it?
iVoii, look at mo cost my lather upward
of eight thousand for schooling alone,
and my elocution has smashed mr.
"When I was ready to "put a Bhingle up
announcing another lawyer had dawned on
tho world, I abstained. An actor—a man
who 'leuew it all'—convinced me I would
rob the world of a genius, a marvel of his
trionics. Now, that's not the sort of a man
Iain. My aim is to benelit mankind. You
can understand I availed myself of the op
portunity offered me by my experienced
discoverer—well, at least he was one of tho
poople who discovered me to demonstrate
to a waiting, yearning, hungry public my
histrionic powers. I joined a theatrical
company. I believe I might have con
vinced the public, but there was one Irrlh
drawback. There were just ten of us, and
seven of the ten, I give you :ny word, had
no more knowledge of the stage
than I have of Arabic. Seven—
Kevin were elocutionists, like my
6clt. We started—no! let not the spicy
mint betray me into loose language. We
vow in the Kast. about meridian, let mo
say, and set instantly. Tbat, we seven
were assured, was a mere trial of some
dog. We rose again. Wo sat down again.
There was either too much action, or too
much elocution. It is a knotty problem. I
have not solved it to my satisfaction, but I
suspect, I begin to suspect it was a surfeit
of elocution thut did the business.
"Then our guiding spirit, scorning the
East, made a bee-liue for (he West. Do
you know the real reason the star of Em
pire takes its way West? It's because stars
don't need any creature comforts to speak
of. They don't need three square meals a
day. One will do. In a pinch, they can
make it on a cracker. They don't incur
unnecessary wash-bills. In short, I can
pro\e to you the laundry is not included
in tho appointments. ,'o overcoats, no
(ires in cold rooms, no fine lineu, no linen
at all, except a dickey to dress the 'Count'
in—and then he Sghts a duel buttoned up
so close his arm would snap sooner than
his sword.
"Well, stranger, my marvelous elocu
tionary powers, reinforced by the six I have
referred to, were so strong that they
brought the company to Omaha. We
lodge—no! we 'hung out* there a fortnight.
Then the voice culture that charmed a
circle in Vermont gathered fresh force,
aud wafted us—well, as far as eating was
concerned we traveled light—wafted us
clear over here to San Francisco. And
then, all at once I may say, the propelling
force gave out. You may believe me or
not, I haven't power enough left to pay for
wasting a shirt. Consequently I don't
wash my shirt, or permit anybody to pass
around it with soap.
"If I had been born dumb it would have
been a great blessing to me. In my
opinion, seven mules would make
more headway in histrionics than the seven
unfortunates that came here together to
illuminate the western horizon. It won't
leave n*. It won't let us go, either. If it
only would send us back to Vermont! Do
me a favor. If you know a young man or
woman with line enunciation—a thorough
knowledge of the rules governing elocution
kill him or her, and you'll save them a
world of sutfering and humiliation.
"Yes, 1 am thinking of walking back,
but I'm too heavy yet. I must reduce my
self. When I left Vermont I brought down
the scales at 182 pounds ounces. I've got
rid of forty pounds in less than two
mouths. When 1 get down twenty or forty
pounds lower I'll be light enough to go in
a pine box."
But he was iuduced to change his mind.
The proposed reduction was not made. He
returned to Vermont month later, lookiug
like another, as I am convinced he is a
wiser man. He is copying law papers in
0 town in Couuecticuf. 'The pay is poor,
but he writos me lie manages to get enough
to pay for his tobacco, which is more thau
ho received as an exponent of elocution on
the stage.-- C/xYof/u l.rtlyrr.
jy.s.iyrji
AND
rniM
Tlie relation between insanity
ami crime is one both of cause and
of efl'cct. Esquiroi lias shown an in
crease of insanity ami suicides at. each
outbreak of the j'reurli revolution.
1 muiiev declares that the excitements of
1S7U and 1871 were the more or less in
direct- causes of 1,700 eases of insanity.
Tlits simply means tliat the same mor
bid element, tending to pronounced
criminality in another, is brought to
the front by the common cause. Very
frequently, too. both tendencies can lie
seen in the same individuals. Marat,
for example, liad attack.--of maniacal ex
ultation, and a passiou for continually
scribbling. He lia a sloping forehead,
was prognathous, had a prominent jaw
and high cheek bones, and a haggard
eye, all of which correspond -closely
with the insane type of faee. Later
his delusion of ambition changed into
one of persecution and homicidal mono
mania. Dr. Lonibroso cites case after
ease, all telling the same story. He in
cludes Gitteau in this list, and agrees
with the opinion of an Italian alienist
that- liis trial was simply "scandalous."
The real place for such beings is a
much-needed institution, an asylum for
insane criminals.—Sri'mce.
AltOVT ST.tit*.
Alpha Ccntaurii, the leading star in
the constellation of the Centaur, is the
nearest star to the earth, so far as
knowu. Its distance is usually placed
at from 20,000,000,000,000 to "'J!l,(ll)0.
000,000,000 miles from the earth. A
star called Sixty-one t'ygni is classed
as second in distance, being put at fi-t,
780,!)!•!',000,000 miles distance from our
globe. Most of the stars, however, are
millions of times further away from us
than these. Light travels about 180.000
miles iu every second of time, aud yet
with this inconceivably rapid velocitv
it would take light about twelve years
to traverse the space separating us
from that star. From the greater por
tion of the stars light would be many
centuries in reaching us. That is to
say, iu these particular instances the
stars which we sec are not the stars as
they exist to-night, but as they ex
isted before Columbus sailed on his
voyage of discovery, or even before the
creation of Adam.—,SU. Louin Globe
Democra t.
CKSTS are not wanted in British
Columbia, says the. British Colum
bian. Five-cent pieces are in circula
tion, and we liopo that no smaller
change will ever find its way into this
province. This is not a land of cop
pers.
LIFK is the art cf being well deceived.
—llazletl.
WOMEN.
An Entertaining Batch of Gos
sip About the Daugh
ters of Eve.
THE LOVELY WOMEN OF LIMA.
Their Manners, Dress, and Amvsemcnls—
The Latest Craze—Love and
Smoke, Etc.. F.'.c.
StftleII Kissrs,
In flilonoo and huah of a dream.
With nover a sound to bo hoard,
But a tou'ihof lips iu tho gleam
Or tho fire, and never a word,
Tho echo will ever repent,
Hrcukinij tho Mlonco iu twain
"Stolon JiisaoH nroalways K\veoh,
And love in nover in vain t"
For a ki»H would a maiden walto
From tho charrn of udreanirt'] 9la«pf
And a touch of truo lovo would break
Thepeuco that tho blue f.ves Sccep.
Tor over tho echo shall ^ro*t
Likesonj cf a ripening rain
"Stolen kisses art) always swoot.
And lovo is nover in vein!"
When hearts and lips have jjrown cold,
And lovo liven hut for an hour
Whon lifo's roreatico has been told,
And kiHRCH Imvo lo3t their power,
Then shall soft memory Ueof,
No inoro a droam to enchain.
Yet stolen kisses are alwajs aweet,
Aud lovo ia nover in vale.
To Clean Moofrti (iooifs.
Hoftp tree bark, thut can bo bought of
Any druggist, .is' splendid for cleaning
any woolen goods or gentlemen's
clothes pour boiling water over and
make a strong decoction, and wash the
goods with a brush.—Jlhtiila Cunsti
tulioii.
Tlt'it I.c/t It tu the bonl.
"Men," said an intelligent woman, "say
women are not competent to take part
in the Government, lint I am very
much mistaken if American women could
possibly have proven their incompe
tency so completely us to leave the
Government without a head if the Pres
ident should die. That is what the men
did who tell us that we are unfit for po
litical l'esiionsibilities." To that intel
ligent woman's remark there was no re
ply except- that God takes care of chil
dren, the United Stales—and other
things.—Harper's WceLhj.
At li
if t'ruf't.
"yes," she said, dreamily, during a
conversation on the subject of shoes,
"I wear an A1 shoe."
"Au A1 shoe," replied
young man, with a wan
smile: ".so they have AI
they
"Oh, my, yes,"she said.
'"J suppose," he went on. innocently,
"that is what the clipper-ships are
named after. I have often noticed ad
vertisements of the Al clippc-i'-ship Wy
oming, etc." She disturbed him by
Hying from the room. He is now hav
ing the engagement solitaire set for a
shirt-stud.—I'UcL
her best
Belgravia
shoes, do
t.ovr itin/ Smofff.
l'arents with marriageable daughters
wonder why it is that their Angelina
and Seraphina are wasting their sweet
ness on the desert, air. wlieu those hor
rid Seroggius girls land such a crowd
as there is of them) have nil been hap
pily mated. Ah, sharp old Scroggins:
he knows wliv it is. Ho lias made it. a
point nil his life to live in a, house
whore tho chimneys and fire-places
worked in harmony, and the conse
quence lias been that the available
young mau who dropped in l'or the
evening found the tire so cheerful that
he called again and again, until at last
he concluded that he must have a lire
of hi.s own just like it. and of course
must have Miss Scroggins to share it
with him. But, poor Angelina, though
she has had beaux without, number, she
has also had a smoky fire-place to con
tend with, and the invariable result lias
been to scare the young mau off after
one evening's experience. .Let air ions
parents examine, the fire-places, and the
chances arc ten to one that there will be
found the secret of their daughter's
dangerous proximity to spinsterclom.
j| he Litie.sf Craze*
"Have you heard of the latest- racket
of our society swells?" said a friend of
mine the other clay, who is always
posted in these matters. Society, you
know, is too complicated a thing for me
to study on niv own account, and I al
ways fall back on this young mun for
the latest society gossip.
I said no, I had not.
"Oh, it is a great thing, you know."
said he. "I am astonished that you
have not heard of the crazy patchwork
scheme."
"J have heard of crazy patclnvork.
lily wife has been through that fever,
but. she has recovered after a long ill
ness. I have not heard of anything
new.
"Oh, this is a great scheme," said lie.
"It is a silk-liandkerchief scheme. Xou
see, a young man buys an assortment
of silk handkerchiefs of diflerent colors.
Silk neckties will do as well. These
are sliced up into irregular sections
and furnished the young ladv who has
got the disease. This young lady
sufferer gets all the young lady friends
of the young gentleman to furnish
specimens of their hair. With this hair
she works monograms in the pieces se
lected. Oh, it looks, right pretty, you
know," added my friend.
"Well," said I, "I should think it
would be a novelty. Are there many
people at this business?"
"Oh, yes," said he, "I know several
young ladies up in the West end who
have almost completed a quilt. Dear
me, you ought to see that hair!"
I told him that I did not understand
how that would go with the recent so
ciety craze for short hair. "Which
looks the prettiest—I mean,
what
ogram," said my esthetic friend. "Tako
a girl with coarse, red hair, and work
it on a ground which will bring that,
color out, to the best advantage, and it
looks right pretty, you know."
"Why, do they carry this esthetic
craze to that, extent7"
"Oh, yes," said he, "and the particu
lar color of the hair lias everything in
the world to do with the color of the
handkerchief on which the monogram
is to be placed. You must have the
"ight color, you know, or else ii wonld
not look well."
I told him would think about it in
tho meantime, and. when I went to
make up mv crazy-quilt of -ilk hand
kerchiefs, would con-nlt him.
J.ovvty It'omeu of Limn,
The ladies of Lima ar? all eyes.
They have tho reputation of being, as tu
class, the most beautiful in the world,
ami meeting them on the May to mass
in the morning or shopping later in Mm
day, one can easily see how they ob
tained it. It is the niaiitn. which they
wear in such a coquettish way. that
gives them their reputation i'.ir beauty,
for it conceals every feature except
their bewitching even and lovely olive
eaniplexion. Xo matter how ugly her
mouth and her nose are no matter liow
high her cheek bones or large her ears,
a manta will make any woman with
pretty eyes look handsome, and, like
charity, it, covers a multitude of sin«.
On the street tho women look like
procession of nuns, but in their homes,
when they are dressed, like the O'leeu
of Sheba. Indoors she is bright, viva
cious, and winning. With more passion
than intellect, with very little knowl
edge of the world outside of her own
orbit, she never reads a newspaper and
never looks at a book, but she is up in
art aud operas, plays the piano brill
iantly and with exquisite taste, and
talks liko a conversational blizzard.
She is affectionate, impetuous, and
strong-willed gushes over what she
likes and shudders over what does not
please her. Impulsive, frank, and
generous, she is easily betrayed, and
the principal object in life of her
mamma is to watch over her like a
hawk. At 17 or 18 she marries—often
younger still. At 25 she is the mother
of three or four children, shrunken and
wan, or else, inordinately fat. Their
good looks seem to go with voutli, and
old maids are unknown.
A l'eruvian soldier is usually accom
panied by a woman called a rabona,
who sometimes is his wife. Thnv re
ceive rations like the .soldiers, but no
pay. They are faithful and enduring,
but degraded creatures, who follow the
army in its long, weary marches, assist
ing their husbands bv carrying part of
their load, aud about half of them have,
babies slung over their shoulders in
blankets. When camp is reached they
do the cooking in battle they nurse
the wounded and rob tho dead. Water
is very scarce along tho coasts of Pern,
where most of the marching and fight
ing is done, and it is part of the duty of
a rabona to see that her husband does
not die of thirst.
Milk is peddled about, Lima by
women, who sit astride of a horse or a
mule with a big can hanging on either
•side of the saddle behind them. When
they ride up to a doorway tliey give a
peculiar shrill scream, which the
servam within rceognizes.
The fashionable entertainment in
Peru is bull-baiting. The bull is not
killed, as in Spain aud Mexico and
other countries, and no horses are
slaughtered in the ring. The animal is
simply teased and tortured to make a
Lillian holiday. The young men of the
city do the baiting, and it is regarded
as a very high-toned sort of athletic
sport, like polo at Newport. The
young ladies take darts made of tin,
decorate them with ribbons, lace, and
rosettes, aud give them to their lovers
to stick into the hide of the bull. The
great thing is to cast those cVarts so as
to strike the bull in the fore shoulders
or in the face, and in order to do it he
who throws them must stand before the
animal's horns. Active young men do
the trick very dexterously, but it takes
nerve and agility, and at times fair
senoritas have seen their lovers ripped
open.—Letter from Lima.
J'ltr.XVII'J.KS (If SH t-Jl.tTHIXfl.
Sea-bathing, when properly and care
fully indulged in, says the 1'opular
Science Monthly, is a most health
giving and enjoyable diversion. l)ut a
few broad principles should be remem
bered. Never bathe within two hours
of a meal, never when overtired aud
exhausted, and never when overheated.
At the same time, the body should be
warm and not cold when you plunge
in. Do not remain in the water long
enough to become tired and chilly, and
when you come, out dress quickly. It
should also be remembered that bathing
does not agree with everybody.
Those who feel faint or giddy in the
water, or whoso hearts begin to beat,
overmuch, should consult a doctor win
is thoroughly acquainted with their
constitutions before they enter the
water agaiu. Medical papers say that
many of the bathing fatalities which
have generally been attributed to
"cramp" are really due to failure of the
heart's action iuduced by the plunge
into cold water and aggravated by
swimming. A good result of the bath
ought to make the bather feel warm
and fresh. If, instead, shivering and
cold ensue, harm is being done. Chil
dren should not be forced into sea
batlis, for their reluctance may be oc
casioned by some constitutional draw
back, testifying that the process is
harmful to them.
uitsix
color
hair looks the prettiest in 6ho mono
grams?"
"Oh, red hair makes the prettiest mon­
SA v'J
us r.
The Ottawa lumbermen are building
furnaces to burn their sawdust, as fol
lows: The structure is of lire brick,
incased in plate iron, is a circular tower,
and when finiaheel will be 110 feet
high, and is thirty-six or forty feet in
diameter. This has become necessary
because this refuse was choking the
river.
nusji OLD si'onr.
Ocor'jc I'crJc's first and I.ast b~-r}€viciicc
in itreaaetl-Pig Chuxinv*
A greased pig is generally used on
the Fourth of July in country towns to
help enliven the people who arc. cele
brating. First tliey get all the men
and boys in line who wish to partici
pate iu t-lic sport.
Then
they catch some
grease and rub a pig ou it: then they
let it escape, and the one who succeeds
in catching the grease is entitled to the
pig. A long, narrow, swift pig is
always preferable. One that will have
presence of mind enough to crawl
through a fence just as the head man
succeeds in getting hold of hi.s hind
leg. 'llie man may break down the
fence with his face, and run a rail
through his diaphragm, or be pulled
through the fence, stomach first, but
everything goes. Fspccially the pig.
When a man enters a race of this kind
it. isn't necessary to wear his best
clothes. Nothing so discourages a nice
suit of clothes ns to be obliged to as
sociate with a swiftly-moving pig which
has been treated to a coat of nasty, bad
smelling grease. The writer once at
tended one of these little Fourth of July
festivals. It took place in a small grove
that adjoined the man's farm, and all of
the lum-tum of the town and the farms
in its immediate vicinity were there.
Large healthy farmer boys, dressed
for the occasion, accompanied by
their sweethearts, also togged out
in their best bib and tucker,
strolled about among the trees or sat
upon the ground and gayly chatted,
while mingled with their voices came
the constant crack-crack of the peanut
shell. Some ate ice cream, while
anon a sound like the exhaust pipe to a
kitclit'.i zink would break upon the air as
some broad-shouldered farmer lad after
finishing his lemonade would try to
suck a piece of lemon skin through a
leaky straw.
They did not forget to bring along
the old brass cannon, and its continu
ous boom had a tendency to make those
not used to loud noise, tired. So, when
the "old vet," who had handled the
swab during the ar, and was now en
gineering the firing, got three lingers
and a thumb blown off, a gentle sigh of
relief arose from the multitude but
there were more "old vets" on tin
ground who still had all their fingers
and thumbs with them, and the old can
11011 continued to make itself heard. A
the day wore on a puce, and tiie games
progressed. the longed-lookeil-for
greased pig was brought- forth, and the
men to enter the race were placed in
line. The writer had on his best
clothes and did not wish to participate,
but- the young lady whom he was with
insisted upon his entering the race.
She had seen him run once when her
father's dog had chased him, and she
was confident that he could outrun any
thing except any express train. Well,
after a great deal of coaxing on her
part, he finally decided to enter, and
although he didn't wish to associate
with the pig any more than necessary,
the eye of tho public was upon him,
aud he decided to catch that pig or die.
Finally the animal was liberated, aud
with a yell the crowd started in pur
suit. Away they went, now falling
over stumps, now climbing a fence,
now wading a creek, but the "city fel
ler" ever iu the lead. As the pig be
gan to warm up to hi.s work the grease
got softer and more slippery, but the
pig was begiuuing to lose his grip. J'.y
this time the writer and the pig were
far iu the lead, and at every bound his
porks hip lost ground. Far in the dis
tance could be heard tho yells of the mul
titude, while the old brass cannon was
left to cool off. Consumptives, who
hadn't- yelled for years got there now
with renewed Tinegar. Old men and
women who had been afraid for years
to move a muscle without taking plentv
time to it, on account of their
"rheuuuiiix," now climbed up on the
fence and wagons, and waved their hats
and shawls like all possessed. On
on they went, fast and furious: but the
pig was beginning to feel his fat. and at
last, the writer, with one grand spurt,
grabbed the unclean beast by both hind
legs just as he dived under acorn crib.
The crib had seen its best days, and
the posts upon which it stood had long
sincc become worm-eaten and rotten.
The writer had taken the precaution to
fill his liauds with sand when he started
and when he lit on to the hind legs of
that hog he was there to stay. As the
hog darted under the crib liis pursuer
did likewise, and tho commotion that
followed unset- the crib in such a way
that man and hog were pinned firmly
together. A large beam pressed heavily
upon liis neck, holding his lace against
the pigs greasy side, while the pig
showed hi.s dislike to such familiarity
by kicking aud squealing. When the
crowd came up they raised the crib and
tenderly spread the "city feller" out on
the grass. There were large rents in
his clothes where the pig had tried to
kick himself loose, while grease enough
hung to his person to make a kettle
full of soft soap.
HOW TO COOL, A VHI.LAB.
A great mistake is sometimes made
in ventilating collars and milk-houses.
The object of ventilation is to keep the
collars cool and dry, but this object
often fails of being accomplished bv a
common mistake, and instead the cel
lar is made both warm and damp. A
cool place'should never be ventilated
unless the air admitted is cooler than
the air within, or is at least as cool as
that or a very little warmer. The
armor the air the more moisture it
holds in suspension. Necessarily, the
cooler the air the more this moisture is
condensed aud precipitated. When a
cool cellar is aired on a warm day, the
entering air, being in motion, appears
cool but as it fills the cellar, the
cooler air with which it becomes mixed
chills it, the moisture is condensed, and
dew is deposited on the cold walls,' and
may often be seen running down them
in streams. Then the cellar is damp
and soon becomes .moldy. To avoid
this the »indows should be opened at
night, and late—the last thing before
retiring. There is no need to fear that
the night air is unhealthful it is as
pure as tho air at midday, and is really
drier. The cool air enters the apart
ment during the night and circulates
through it. The windows should bo
closed before sunrise in the morning,
and kept closed and shaded through
the day. If the air of the cellar is
damp it may be thoroughly dried by
placing iu it a peck of fresh lime in an
open box. A peck of lime will absorb
about seven pounds, or more than
three quarts of water, and in this way
a cellar or milk-room may soon be
dried, even iu the hottest weather.—
licit!Htitle -1 mn-icnn.
St PKHSTITIOl'S IICSTSJiSS ,VK\.
Of all living men, one would think
that the ordinary man of business, the
merchant or financier who sees the in
side working of the money market
every day. would be the least open to
superstitious ideas. Hut as a class they
are as ready to believe in signs and
omens as the sailor or the actor, and
are as ready to follow blindly the sup
posed lead of luck. They have a pe
culiar weakness for humpbacked em
ployes, and have au idea that they bring
it streak of business sunshine with them.
Sometimes they go as far as to believe
that the touch of the protuberance on
the back in the morning will bring suc
cess in its train. There is a story of a
humpbacked Italian slioe-black up town
who has made quite a fortune by per
muting his patrons to touch his'hump
while he polished their shoes, but the
making of a fortune out of thisdeformity
is a myth, so far as I can learn, let it
remains a fact that this class of em
ployes find no dilliculty in getting situa
tions in eligible ollices as business mas
cots. Others have different hobbies.
One financier is a devout believer in
astrology, aud will go to a dabbler in
this science and get him t- "set up a
figure" for the day and hour of his pro
posed deal -of course furnishing the
mystic with time anil place of his birth
and a goodly fee to boot. Only if
the answer is favorable will he em
bark iu the interprise. Another, a
prominent railroad man, will drop
all his business and run up to
White Plains to consult a medium there
before making a move of any great im
portance. With these men it is more
than a hobby. Like the ancient I'oman.
they will not stir a atop unless the
auguries are favorable. Kven clergy
men have been so superstitious—one of
them told me so—-ns to consult the
oracle ml ajierliirnh lihri. by opening
ft book, to see if the outlook is favor
able.
The late A. T. Stewart was one of
the most superstitious and least reli
gious of men. A generation ago every
body knew the lit tic dried-up apple
woman who ,-nt on a rough wooden seat
in front of the marble .store at Cham
bers street and broad way. Her basket
was at her side, with a little fruit in if.
bill she never seemed lo sell aiivlhing.
i-t her giItf. of silver nimi' in .-vcvv
day, and one of the most steady of her
contributors was the great jiierehun!
himself. On no account would lie
suffer her to be disturbed- she brought
liim luck. hen he moved to his up
town store the old woman was taken up
carefully and removed there, and on its
broad steps she sat as long as life and
stveiigth lasted. She had saved quite
a little competency, but it paid her so
well to stay there that she remained.
'When she died 3Ir. Stewart insisted
upon paying her funeral expenses, and
at his own cost placed a monument
over her grave.
o.v.siii:n nicAru uccA.noy ti.i. r.
'1 here are certain ponderous facts
which are theoretically recognized, but
not often tully incorporated into one's
consciousness and made to tell upon
conduct. The most sombre of these
tact.*, is death. AN ith persons of due
sensibility a more frequent considera
tion of the inexorable certainty of this
event would help greatly to influence
behavior and give right direction to
life. The husband who occasionally
brought lorcibly to liis imagination
the possibility of a home no longer
tenanted by a loving wife woidd "be
able to repress fault-finding for trivial
atlairs and be moved to bestow love
whilst it is yet possible to do so. Chil
dren would, urged by this thought,
give a caress to the mother who hail
done so much for them from infancy,
and perhaps endeavor to relieve the
burden so long borue by the faithful
and uneoniplainiug one. Brothers and
sisters under the spell of this consider
atlou would be affectionatelv-minded
"lie to the other. Friends would at
tach more weight to the sterling value
a relation that is akin to blood ties in
its warmth of attachment. Death will
happen to all. We rarely think it will
smkethosewelove. It is good for us
at times to face this appalling possibil
ity meditate upon it and derive from
such a thought fresh tolerance, kind
ness, gentleness and forbearance. ln
deed lor us all to live aright it is need
tut that .ve should consider the fact of
death, and it may be done without fear
anil with positive benefit if it lead us to
be considerate of others.-1'UUburnh
on trie-1
eJerjraph.
No FACXTV is developed, no qualitv
acquired, no power is gained, except
by constant exercise. If
wo
desire our
oung people to grow up into valuable
men and women, we must accustom
them gradually, but steadily, to assume
responsibility to exert their will and
foice of character, to give out as well
as to take in, to act as well as to learn
lhen life will be a succession of steps
naturaHy following each other, each of
Inch will prepare the way easilv and
thoroughly for the next, and each of
"Inch will bring new light, broader
vie"'*' ami higher abilities to bear upon
inci easing duties aud responsibilities as
tliey ariso.
drunk-
•ird triumphs,— Zimmerman
FUN.
TRADE winds—swopping bellow*
IT ia the little caskaids that BEE.,,
the falls of man.
THE sort of helm for a fleot I
is slippery elm bark.
EVEKY woman may bo the queen
her own kinged-liome.
ONLV the sublimity of cheek can -I
to tho grandeur of luck.
How TO keep eggs in hot weather
take them to the equator.
"WOULD you believe it? I ILAVE
that idea in my head these six month,
"How lonely it must have been!"
THERF, is a duty of 25 per cent., on
foreign musical instruments, and •»•!».
a young man has a French horn
3eems to think it is his duty to p] ,v ,.
it 75 per cent, of the time.—yl,.,'
Siftin'js.
THE unlucky lover whose best M'RI
has married another man can get ,js
revenge if he will. He can get ,n,,
party of friends to escort the vonn',
couple to the train, and so give the
away to all their fellow-passenger.s.
Somerville Journal.
CLASS in history: Professor—An,I
then Erostratus, in a fit of stupid vanit-v
set fire to the magnificent temple
yf
Diana at Ephesus, and The sou of
the banker, Orossac, very much excited,
here interrupts the professor: "Was it
insured ?"—French jiaper.
ALGERNON—Do you know, I don't be
lieve there is anything in the tlieowv
that fish is gweat bwain food. August ',
—Why, I always supposed that was
fact. Have you eaten much ti,
Algernon—Oh, ya-ns, an awful lot.
Augustus—Well, then, I guess you're
right, old chap.—The Rambler.
DAZZLED lira.
The actor down to tho tlootlighta atroda
And his Rtridos thoy wero immouse
And from his parted lips thero flowed
A strain of oloijuence.
What made tho actor's head to spin,
And his sight to leave him thoroV
*Twa» tho blaze of tho pluinbor's diamond :in
Who sat in an orchestra chair.
—Bout on Courier.
CROSS husband, sitting down to A
late breakfast—Wife, have you ever
heard of Joan of Arc? Wife—Yes,
indeed. Hnsband—She was burned
at the stake, wasn't she? Wife—
That is what history says. Husband
—Well, this steak wouldn't scorch her
any. It's as cold as a wedge.—JVn/s
Siftiii'js.
"YKS, my Melindy has sartinlv got
an ear for singing." "Where is sh«
now "O she's in a hot house down
tew Hosting completin' her musical
education." "In a hot house!" "Sartin.
that's what I said." "You mean a con
servatory." "What's ther difference?
Ain't a conservatory a hot house
Carl Pretzel's Weekly.
"SAV," said Jones to Brown as the
two were passing down the street,
"there's Smith coming let's cross ove:
to the other side." "What's the
matter?" asked Brown "do you owe
him anything?" "Oh! no, but he's
busted in business, you know. In fact,
lie is dead broke hasn't a ceut to his
name, and I don't like to be seen asso
ciating with him." "Oh, yes. 1 see
let's crossover." And they crossed.—
Boston Courier.
A CONCORD l'Hir.OSOPHEK.
Ho ia polysyllabic mid sesquipedalian witii
words Unit aro Sanscrit and Greek mil
AuBtrulian and Parthian, Medo, or
mito, bo don't royard or feci a nut '.
Etruscan, Basque, or Timbuctese, tl.s
Ethiopian anil Chim-Bu, tho,Hottentot tin!
Jupunose—from ovory tonguo beneath the
heaven thia verbal thief will Bteal a mitr.
And BO with his polygot olla podrida hc'.ioret
every victimized listener or reader, witb
his vorbal and sinuous tergiversations
lexic.-firaphica! peregrinations: the acienct
and ologien discussed iu all the college*,
and ail their lore and knowledge**, OTH
mingled in his casual talk and ratio,
tfons.
?. I!'. F., in Tia-jiita.
AN OI.V VHlr.XIt.
A gray-haired man stopped in front
of a house in a Dakota town and ad
dressed a young man in the yard:
"I don't suppose you know me?"
"No, I think not."
"I was very well acquainted with
your father."
"Indeed?"
"Yes, I saw him every day for a long
time.
"Were you brought up down where
he came from?"
"No."
"Acquainted with him while lie lived
in Iowa?"
"Never saw him there."
"Did you know him after he came
this place?"
"I was never in this town before."
"May I ask you, then, when it was
you associated with him so long?"
''Certainly, young man I once hap
pened to le in the same car with liiffl
for a hundred-mile trip on a branch
Dakota road. It seemed like parting
with an old friend when I left- him.
Es'.eltine Belt.
HXFAXT TEllllllil.K
Little Boy (to very stout lady visitor
Wasn't you single before you married
Mr. Slimley?
Stout Ladv—Yes, my dear. I
Little Boy (perplexed)—Oh, then
when you married Mr. Slimley you he
came double, didn't you?
Stout Lady—Oh, no, my dear
v''-
became one, as they say. ,i
Little Boy (conclusively)—Oh, then
you're the one, ain't you?—Ilarpo''
Bazar.
A JKWKL Of A HirE.
Boston Man—Now, dear, is everj"
thing packed up for the excursion
B. M.'s Wife—Yes, dear, everything
—We shall be absent over
day, you know.
B. M.'s W.—I am aware of it, dem
and I have put a pot of baked beans
and a loaf of brown bread in the travel- I
ing bag.
B. M,—You are a jeweL—Boston I
Courier.
I WOULDN'T give a penny for a niw I
who would drive a nail in slack becau®1'
he didn't get extra pay for it.—Geoi'U*
Eliot
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