Lincoln County advocate., September 13, 1876, Image 2

About Lincoln County advocate. (Canton, Dakota Territory, [S.D.]) 1876-1877

Image provided by: Minnesota Historical Society; Saint Paul, MN

                
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CANTON, DAKOTA TER.
/BIDJJJPW II1 PXURM.
BT1BW1K BUSSEIX.
1
Well, son, fK) youV gwino for to leab us, your lub
bitf' ol'mammy »n' me,
An' set you'ae'f up as a waiter, aboa'd ob de Robbut
E. Lee,
Along wid dem fancy young nigger*, what's Bhamed
for to look at a hoe,
And acts like a pastel ob rich folks, when deV Isn't
got nuflln' lo show*.
You'a bad batter.traipin' dati deyhas—I hopes 'at
you'll 'ssibitmoro sense
VJ
Is
Sichniggers is like young rooster, a-Bottln' up
top ob a fence j.
He 1
cops on a-strotckln' and crowin', and wbile.he'B
a-blowin' hia' horn
Dem eMokepn what ,«iii:t.i»rter fnesinUs pickin' up
all ob de
edta!?:
Now lUten, and mln' what I tell you, and dontyou
forgit what I say
Take advice ob a 'sperienced pusson, and youll git
up de ladder an'stay
Who knows} Youmought git to bo Pres'dent, or
Jesticc, perhaps, ob do Peace
Do oian what keej pullin' de grape-vine shakes
do* a fewliUnches at leas'.
Dem niggsrs .what runs on de ribber is mosly a
mighty sharp set
Dty'd fln' ojut some way for to beat you, if you bet
'era de. water wuz wet
You'e got to watch out for dem fellers—dey'd cheat
off de Uorns ob a cow—
I knows 'em—I toileted de ribber 'fore ebber fol
leredaplow.
Youll easy git long wid do while folks—do Cappen,
and steward and clerks—
Dey won't say a word to a nigger, as long as dey
notice be works'
And work is de onlies' ingine we's any 'casion to
tote,
To keep us gwine on t'roo de currents dat pesters
de spirichul boat.
heered dat idee from a preacher—he lowed dis
life wuz a stream,
Aud oberyone's soul wnz a packet dat run wid a full
head ob steam
Dat some ob 'em's only stern-wheelers, while oders
wuz mons'onsly fine—
And de trip wuz made safes' and qutckes' by boats
ob de Mefcdis'line.
I wsits you, my son, to bo 'tiolar, and 'soclate only
wid dey
Dat's 'titled to go in de cabin—dont nebber hab
nnffln'tosay
To dem low-minded roustabout niggers what
hanles de cotton below—
1
Dem common brack rascals aint flttin' for no cabin
waiter to know.
But nebber git airy—be 'spectful to all de white
people you see,
And nebber go back On de raisin' you's had from
your mammy and me.
It's hard on your mudder, your leabin'—I don'know
whateber she'll do
And shorely your fader '11 miss you—IH alluz b»
thinkin' ob you.
Well, now I's done tol' you my say-so—flar aint
nuffin' more as.l knows—
'Cept dis: don't you nebber come back, sab, wldout
you has money an' clo'es.
I's kop' you as long ss I's swine to, and now you an'
me we is done—
And calves is too skce in dis country to kill for a
Prodigal Son.
—Seribnerfor September.
ROMANCE ON THE. BAIL.
An Engineer's Story.
I was at Jim Larnigan's wedding arid
the ^occasion suggested the story. Jim
had "set 'em up handsome for the
boysand the generous wine had
warmed Cap's blood until he felt that
every man was a brother, or he might
have been more reserved about this epi
-1 sode in liis checkered life. For Cap sel
dom spoke of hi* wife to the boys and
when he did it was with a'deferential air
unusual in one of his class. There was
a legend current that a green hand
on the road had once hailed him with,
Well, Cap, how's the old woman and
the babies?"' The story ran that., with
out deigning to answer in words, Cap
struck straight) from the shoulder, and
his would-be friend went to grass with a
'.'shanty over his eye" for his undue
familiarity. The chivalrous spirit of the
act appealed to' those rude natures more
forcibly than a volume of sermons could
have done and all along the line Cap
Lollard's wife was invested with a sort
of halo of romance.
Wal, gentlemen," began Cap, in re
spouse to the solicitations of the ciDwd,
"if nothin' else '11 do ye, I suppose you
must have yer way so byer goes.
In the summer of '65 I was haulin'
-v a construction train, though I was put
on to a passenger that fall. There wa'n't
much business on the road an' we was
I ordered to ballast up along stretch o*
track, dodgin' out o' the grand pit an'
back ag'in between the reg'lar trains.
"Allalong the road thar was some
mighty fine farm houses an' one struck
my eye in partdc'lar. It was the reg'lar
old style—low an' spreadin' out over the
ground so's to be comfortable and
roomy. A lot o' clamberin' vines an1
half a dozen wide spreadin' oaks made
it a mighty cool-lookin' place on a hot
summer afternoon and an old-fashioned
weU-sweep to one side made you thinlr
water was a pretty choice article,
.rafter all.
"Wal, hoss, you bet it was mighty
slow work settin' on the box in the sun,
,v with that house in sight, while the men
was unloadin' the flats an' it didn't take
me long to make up my mind that I was
powejful thirsty when we got jest oppo
site that partic'iar place. So, down 1
Jumps, lcavin' the fireman in charge, an'
-makes fur the house, all legs and no
ceremony.
5 "I was jest fetchin' up at the well,
when I turned, an*—Jerusha Jane I
^u^arin to® doorway stood about the
bit of
female flesh an' blood
that I ever sot eyes on—you hear me
love
ye I I-allow thar couldn't b«
spf two-legged man critter look at her
^without it's makin* his mouth water.
Fellarg, I felt jest like a schoolboy
caught in a melon patch! My breeches
was in my boots I had only one gallus—
no vest—no ooat—no collar, and an old
felt bat with three-quarters of- the rim
kuw awaj/, 1 savin' the rest stickin' out
Jft*
01
An' thar she
rtood, Mmddn' at me an' latfin'a little,
,1 so all struck in
I had waftaed np thar as brash
fky tHrier but one blink o' her
eye, an'ytm ooald knocked
dean oat A' time with a feather.
'"'BOB! Kb I git a drink,
if you please?' says I, kind o' stammer-
...
'Yes, sir,' says she, as chipper as a
bird. 'Jest wait, an' I'll bring you a
dipper,'
She skipped into the house, and out
agin before you could toss up fur the
beer, bringin' a dipper that you could a
shaved by a deuced sight better than ary
three cornered piece o' lookin'-glass.
It's hot work ridin' on a locomotive
this weather, ain't it?' says she, droppin'
her eyes, modest-like but I knowed
she'd took mo in from top to toe, one
gallus an' all.
"'It's all-fired hot,' says I an' fur
the first time in my life Hoist my tongue
flat—fact! dummer'n a wooden man with
his mouth shut.
Buft I didn't lose my eyes, hoss, you
bet! Lord love yo I she looked like as if
she'd jest stepped out of a fajry-book,
with her sleeves rolled up almost to the
shoulders, an' apron-strings circlin' a
waist that Queen Yictori'herself couldn't
'a' matched. A3 trim as a pin, an' as
neat as
WAX
!—fellers, I felt as if I'd jest
drop down on my marrowbones in the
grass an' worship her!
But all the time I knowed she must
be a-thinkin' that I looked like a slouch
an' that made me sweat, you bet! So I
says, says I:
"'Thankee, ma'am!'
"An' givin' her back the dipper, I jest
humped myself fur the engine, cussin'
my luck at every breath.
"Wal, you bet yerself, the next day
I was tricked out like a drill sarjent!—
boots shiny—black pants, with a roll at
the bottom, so's to show the stiff'nin'—
b'iled sHrt, with a ruffled front—red
butterfly—an' a crush hat that $7.99
wouldn't buy. If that cut didn't take
her eye, then I'd throw up my hand.
"She come to the door, but whirled
round like a flash, makin' an excuse o'
goin' after the dipper again. But I seen
the corner of her mouth go up, and
knowed she was a-larfin' at my sudden
blow-out. She was a cute one,' an'
knowed a thing or two. I could see
that plain enough.
"But with my store clo's on I kin
face anything that wears calico an' I
done myself proud that time, I kno ,v.
Before I come away, I- had a bouncin'
bowl o' milk. It was a mighty thin
drink but I'd 'a' swilled dish-water if
she'd offered it."
After that my fireman run the train
mostly, while I lay iu the grass under
the trees an' heard her singin' about
her work, once in a while comin' to the
door to give me a pleasant word. Of
course I'd 'a' got the grand bounce if the
thing had got to headquarters but my
fireman liked to learn, an' as long as he
didn't find no fdhlt at his double work,
it wa'n't no one else's funeral. So, the
thing lasted two weeks—such a soft job
couldn't run long—an' then the bottom
fell out.
"But Mary an'me had come to be
right smart friends by that time an'
when I was put on the passenger I
blowed a signal jest before I come to the
house, an' she'd stand in the door an'
swing her sun-bonnet at me as we passed.
Of course you all know that most o'
the Western roads waa built on a bogus
plan. The farmers, along the proposed
line, was persuaded to give mortgages
on their farms, to be used as collateral
to borrow money on, the railroad com
panies guaranteeing to pay the interest
on the mortgages, and pay the farmers
handsome dividends on the stock they
took in exchange for the mortgages, so's
it 'u'd be all in pocket with them, an'
never cost 'em a cent. All went lovely
till the mortgages fell due. Then the
companies bus'ted the stock wa'n't
worth a cuss an' the farmers had to
clear off their mortgages themselves, er
git kicked out o' house an* home.
'Twa'n't more'n human natur' that they
should rile at that an' fur awhile they
pulled up tracks an' dumped trains into
the ditch kinder promiscuous, you bet!
"Wal, as the fall passed, the evenin's
got shorter, until I didn't git to Mary's
house until after dark. Then she used
to stand in the open door-way, with the
light behind her, or, when it stormed,
at a winder.
One night I pulled out dead ag'in* a
tearin' northwester. It was blacker'n
the inside of a stone ink bottle out an'
the rain lashed ag'in tlie cab winder so's
couldn't see through the glass any
way.
"Just by Mary's house there was
quite a down grade, an' at the end o'
that grade a curve round the face of a
bluff, with a thirty-foot fall on the out
side of it—a mighty nasty place to get
'fetched, ole hoss, or I'm a liar! 1
thought about it before I got thar but
I eays to myself, says I, A man that's
bom to be hung'll never git drowned!'
So I pushed ahead, as usual.
"Just before comin' to the Lockwortb
farm I blowed my signal an' stepped out
o' the cab, to see the light in the winder.
The trees was jest more'n lashin' an'
tossiu', as I could see by the flashes 0'
lightnin' but thar wa'n't no light.
"I was a-goin'to step back into the
cab, mighty disappointed, considerin' it
was such a leetle thing, when crash come
something through the cab winder. By
a flash of lightnin' I caught a glimpse of
a womiin standih' beside the track, bare
headed, an' with her hair an' clo's
blowin' wild, an' heard a shrill voice
scream
"'Cip! Cap! Cap!'
"A glance showed me the frame of a
lantern rollin' on the cab floor. That
was enough. I knowed it meant danger.
"To whistle fur brakes like mad—to
reverse tho lever—to throw the throttle
wide—to sand the track—didn't take no
time at alt An' then I swung out on
the step an' looked akead, while my fire
man was straining the fender-brake to
the last notch.
It seemed an age before she began
to slack up an' when she come to a
standstill the noie 0' the pilot was with­
$3gW
in ten feet of as dev'lish a device as you
eyer seen. Half-way round the curve,
an' in the very worst place, a crosspieoe
was spiked to the track, an' on this was
an incUne, p'intin' cur way, fur the pilot
•to ran upon.
I reckon thar was some white fafces,
when the passengers piled onto' the car,
an' seen that they bad come within ten
feet o' kingdom come! Some one asked
me how I found it out in time to stop
her. I didn't answer him nary a word
but, jumpin' on that engine again, I left
the boys to remove the obstruction,
while I backed that train to the Lock
worth farm.
"I found her beside the track, jest
whar she stood when we passed her, the
wind a-blowin' so's she could hardly
keep her feet, an' the rain a-blindin' of
her almost. When I jumped down, she
nabbed me by hothferms, an' screamed,
hysterical-like
Oh, Cap Oh, Cap I'
"Then every thing seemed to give
way, and she was as limp as an empty
sack.
"She had overheard a farmer, what
bad seen his family sot out o'doors,
threaten to dump a train fur the rail
road swindlers, an' watchin'—because
that wis my run, boys!—had discovered
the plan to pile my train over the bank.
Knowin' that I wouldn't be likely to see
hor signal, an' rememberin' some stories
I'd told her, she stood close to the track
an' thro wed a lantern through tho cab
winder.
"But now it was all over she wilted,
an' I had her on my hands.
"Ireckon, fellers, thar was a queer,
all-overish feelin' about me, and a
mighty big lump in my throat. All
drippin' wet as she was, I took her up in
my arms an' straddled it off toward the
house. An' thinkin'—mighty solemn, I
kin tell ye!—as how she'd saved my life
(not to mention the hull train), an' what
a dainty leetle thing she was to be out
there alone in the rain and wind, waitin'
for me to come along, I fell to kissing of
her wet cheeks, an' lips, an' hair, all the
way up to the house an' she let me,
clinging to my neck, an' sobbin', an'
sayin', now and then
"«0, Cap! O, Cap!'
An' that, gents, is the how yer hum
ble servant popped the question."
ACTIA'G IN DEAD EARXEST.
The little old theater in Albany, N.Y.,
has been made the scene of many curi
ous theatrical stories. On one occasion
Edwin Forrest, then a young man, and
more famous for his muscle than his
genius, gave a tremendous display of
really powerful acting. He was supposed
to represent a Roman warrior and to be
attacked by six minions of a detested
tyrant. At the rehearsal Mr. Forrest
found a good deal of fault with the
supes who condescended to play the
minions. They were too tame. They
wouldn't go in as if it were a real fight.
Mr. Forrest stormed and threatened
the supes sulked and consulted. At
length the captain of the cupes inquired,
in his local slang
"Yer want this to be a bully fight,
eh?"
"I do," replied Mr. Forrest
"All right," rejoined tho captain, and
the rehearsal quietly proceeded.
In the evening the little theater was
crowded, and Mr. Forrest was enthusi
ally received. When the fighting scene
occurred, the great tragedian took the
center of the stage, and the six minions
entered rapidly and deployed in skir
mishing order. Atthecue "Seizehim!"
one minion assumed a pugilistic attitude
and struck a blow straight from the
shoulder upon the nose of the Roman
hero another raised him about six
inches from the stage by a well-directed
kick, and the others made ready to rush
in for a decisive tussle. For a moment
•Mr. Forrest stood astounded, his broad
chest heaving with rage, his great eyes
like flashing fire, his sturdy legs planted
like columns upon the
stage. Then came
the few moments of powerful acting, at
the end of which one supe was seen
sticking head-foremost in the bass drum
in the orchestra, four were having their
wounds dressed in the greenroom, and
one, finding himself in the flies, rushed
out upon the roof of the theater and
shouted Fire!" at the top of his voice
while Mr. Forrest, called before the
curtain, bowed his thanks pantingly to
tho applauding audienee, who looked
upen the whole affair as part of the
piece, and had never seen Forrest ant
so splendidly."
SUBMARINE RACING.
Some genius, who evidently believes
that workmen should be watched, says
ANew Orleans wrecker lately under
took to complete a contract in a .given
time, but, as the final day approached,
found that his divers wt re making little
progress with the work, and that his
contract was in danger of being for
feited. Procuring a diving, armor, he
descended on a tour of investigation,
and, having reached the bottom, found
his seven workmen intently watching
seven crabs. ose examination dis
covered that the name of some
celebrated horse was inscribed upon the
back of each of the crustacea, and tliat
they had been matched lor a series of
races, one of which was in process at
the time. The cause of the delay was
explained."
A
WOMAN
maasm
halted at the gate of a yard on
Brash street Tuesday evening (says the
Detroit Free Press), and asked a girl 9 or
10 years of age if hex mother was
at home.
"No, marm—she's gone down street,"
was'the reply. "Is your father in the
houset" "No, marm father's gone
down street to bring mother home."
Well, wh?re's your brother William,
then?" "Bill? Oh, he's gone down
street to see fair play was the artless
reply.
.BOSTON is lo have a Sunday caper, ed
ited by ladies.
mmsi
MICHAEL C. KERR.
Th« Lout fiowr« if the Late Kpcaker of thet
Bonne of Representatives—1 he Heath-Bed1
Scene.
[Rockbridge
AJum
The death scene was one of peculiar
pathos and solemnity. The eyes of the
Speaker rested with a look of yearning
tenderness, infinitely soft and inexpressi
bly sweet unon his stricken family, and
then wandered slowly around the room
as if with a last farewell to those pres
ent. Hon. S. S. Cox stood near the
head of tho bed, and was deeply affect
ed. The Speaker's secretary, Mr. White,
and Mr. Scudder, his clerk, were also
with him. At an early hour this morn
irg it was thought by the physician in
attendance that death was near, bnt the
tenacity of life in the emaciated body of
the sufferer excited the wonder of all,
and set at defiance the experience of tho
medical world. Before 20 a. m. there
was no perceptible pulse in the wrists
or arteries of the arm, and yet the limbs
seemed under perfect control.
The condition of emaciation to. which
the Speaker was reduced by the ravages
of his disease, can only be expressed by
saying that his body presents If ap
pearance of a skeleton. Every bone is
distinctly perceptible under the thin,
tightly-drawn skin, while even the line
of the spinal column is visible through
the collapsed walls of the abdomen.
Fcr more than sixty hours before death
he took no nourishment The disease
that baffled the medical skill of the coun
try was consumption of tho bowels.
During the day the Speaker lay in a
semi-lethargio condition, with eyes
somewhat introverted, and half covered
by the lids, occasionally varied by a
sudden start, as if from sleep, at which
time the intellect would-be again thor
oughly aroused. He suffered paroxysms
of intense pain, which were rendered
visible by the knotted cords of the mus
cles of the neck and limbs and contrac
tion of the nerves of the face and eyes,
though there was but little audible indi
cation of his suffering save an occasional
hollow groan. He seemel at times to
make painful attempts to express him
self audibly without success* and could
only indicate by gestures or an occa
sional spasmodic whisper his wishes.
His mind was clear to the last. He
recognized tho Hon. Montgomery Blair
and others, who spoke toliim, and short
ly before death indicated to Dr. Harris,
of the Methodist Church, his readiness
to die and hopes of a future life of hap
piness. About noon his son read a tele
gram from a friend in Indiana. He
listened intently, and his mind evidently
wandered for a time to the past. He
made a faint gesture of pleasure when
allusion was made to his vindication
from the cruel' charge recently mode
against his honor and the handsome
tribute paid to his sterling integrity in
Mr. Carpenter's late speech before the
Senate.
AN ADROIT SWINDIJK.
Last week a ragged man, having the
appearance of an itinerent musician and
carrying a fiddle under his arm, entered
the shop of a pork-butcher and called
for a sausage. When he came to pay for
it, however, he discovered that he had
no money with him, and, leaving his
fiddle as a pledge, hurried away to ob
tain some. Hardly had he left than a
well-to-do stranger entered the shop to
make some inquiries as to his way. Ho
perceives. the fiddle on the counter,
looks at it, takes it up and crics excited
ly
Why, it is a genuine Stradivarius!
I will give you 500 francs for it
"I can't sell It," replied tho pork
butcher "it does not belong to me,
but has been left here for a few moments
by the owner."
I'll give you 1,000 francs."
Same reply. The stranger slowly and
reluctantly lays down the precious in
strument, gives the pork-butcher his
card, and saying that he will be found at
the Qrand Hotel and give 1,000 francs
for the. fiddle if it is brought there, re
tires.
—The proprietor of the Stradivariusjre
turns, pays for the sausage, and is about
to depart when the pork-butcher offers
to buy the fiddle, offers him 50 francs—
100—150. This last offer proves too
much for the poor devil*, and he accepts
it. The butcher pays the money, seizes
the fiddle which the mendicant surren
ders with tears, and hastens to the Grand
Hotel, where he learns that no such per
son as the amateur who gave him that
card is known.—Paris Paper. ',
MRS. SAJtlilDAX'S DOG.*
Here is an extract from the proaeed
ings of the Providence, R. I., police
court: The next victim was an old col
ored woman, named Halliday. She
stood at tho bar with tears rolling down
her oheeko, to answer to the hideous
crime of keeping an unlicensed^ dog.
She had paid his license seven years,
she raid, bnt this year,.it was such hard,
work to get money that she thought per
haps they would let him go. Ten dol
lars and costs," said the Judge, in bis
affectionate way. Oh, sir!" eatd the
^SS«SWfc!SJ «sr»*s&f''s^
Springs Cor. Louisville
Oottfier.]
Speaker Kerr died calmlyand without
pain. At the setting of the sun he went
quietly to rest, so quietly indeed that
Dr. Pope, who was noting every change,
had hardly tiine to summon his anxious
watchers in the room to his bedside.
Though it had long been evident that
the only relief from his sufferings would
be death, his noble wife who, through
that long illness had tended him with
untiring love and devotion, could not
realize that the awful moment of parting
had inevitably come, but, with stream
ing eyes and breaking heart, lesought
him. not to leave her. The Speaker's
son, a young man of some 21 years,
whose affection for his father has always
been marked with the most touohing
devotion, clung to the cold hand of the
dying man with silent anguish of des
pair.
pld woman, "I havn't got but just seven
dollars, if yon .would take that, and let
me bring you the rest Saturday night, I
could sell some of my things and get a
get a little more money, sir. Upon
this condition the old Vomari was re
leased.
A BITER BIT.
One of onr swell young men took a
run up to Brookfield yesterday afternoon.
WWe there he visited a grocer acquaint
ance, and stayed with him an hour, play
ing pranks 9nd trioks of various kinds.
The swell young
man
is generally up to
such things. Coming back on the even
ing train, he saw a young lady with
whom he was slightly acquainted, uid
he immediately took a seat with her and
entered into a ponversation. When thp
talk flagged, l|e looked about
foi
chief. The opportunity
misj
Boon
offered.'
It always does. He saw the end of a
small paper parcel protruding from her
pocket. This he carefully withdrew,
and discovered that he had a prize in
the shape of a package of candies. Th§.
yonng lady was unconscious of what. 1&
had done, but noticing the grins on the
faces of several passengers who had wit
nessed the transaction, she was led to
turn around upon him, and then discov
ered ho was eating her candies. Upon
the impulse of the moment she drove
her hand into his coat pocket in search
of retaliation.
"Go ahead," he said, very much
amused by her act, you won't find any
thing there."
As h.e spoke her fingers clasped an ob
ject. In desperation she drew it forth,
took one glance at it, and immediately
dangled it before his face in full view of
the interested passengers. It was a
partly-eaten herring. Simultaneously a
scream went up from the audience that
brought pretty much all the swell young
man's blood to his face.* He madb one
or two efforts to speak, but nothing in
telligible escaped his lips. The instant
the laughter subsided tho young lady,
still holding .the dreaded object con
spicuously before his face, said
"I advise you to step into the bag
gage-car and finish your lunch."
The swell young man jumped to his
feet and hurried out of the car, ac
companied by another shout of laugh
ter.
The moral of this is that after fooling
around a grocery it is advisable to make
a search of tho pockets. What the
grocer intends for merely a harmless bit
of pleasantry may result most disas
trously.—Danbury News.
THE PICKPOCKETS OF NEW YORK.
The New York Tribune gives some
interesting details respectiug the habits
and modus operandi of the pickpockets
of that city. The majority of the fra
ternity are now absent from the metropo
lis, having gone either to Philadelphia
or the leading summer resorts. The
pickpocket not unfiequently commences
life as a newsboy or bootblack, his first
attempt being on the change in his cus
tomers' pockets, until he gradually with
draws altogether from the appearance of
leading an honest livelihood, and be
comes duly enrolled in the brotherhood
of crime. The pickpocket often devel
ops into the highway robber or burglar,
and sometimes ends his career on the
gallows, as in the case of John Dolan,
tho Nod murderer. The horse-car rob
beries perpetrated by gangs of eight or
ten men, with scarcely an attempt at con
cealment, formerly so common in New
York, are now of rare occurrence. At
present there are seldom more than one
or two complaints a week of robberies
on the street cars, and those principally
made by parties who were intoxicated
when robbed. The detectives now ex
ercise greater vigilance on the cars than
formerly. Pickpockets seldom travel in
gangs, but work alone, and most of this
class of thefts is done by youths of from
16 to 18. It is difficult to keep track of
professional thieves. They change their
residences frequently and their names
as often. All professional thieves when
arrested have their photographs placed
in the rogues' gallery. In the rare case
of a thief's reformation his portrait i3 re
moved and given up to him after a
period of probation. Funerals afford
them a prolific sourfle of emolument.
They read the morning papers to ascer
tain where funerals are to be held, and
mingle with the mourners at the house,
in the church, or even around the grave.
There were formerly several schools in
New York where pocket-picking and
other branches of crime were regularly
taught, but it is believed that they have
all been broken up.
RAISING LEMONS IN IOWA.
It may not be generally known that
lemons can be grown on Iowa soil, but
they can nevertheless. Sjme very fine
ones have been raised on a farm on the
EastBotna river, about two miles north
east of town. The plants were kept in
the house, when young, most of the
winter, and were put out daring the
genial days, and by the exercise of care
they have now attained a thrifty and
healthy growth. It has taken several
years to bring the plants to a state of
perfection, but they are now repaying
all the trouble and expense of nnrsing
them to their present healthful growth.
—Avoca Delia.
TilE DEADLY CIGARETTE.
It is very notice ible how fast pipes
and cfgars are giving way to cigarettes
among the smoking population, and the
change is not .wholly desirable, if we
may b«lieve the following from the New
York Graphic The American youth
are getting into a detestable habit of
smoking cigarettes, the papery smell of
which is offensive to any well regulated
nose, and which produces cancer in the'
hp, and, as the. smoke is generally in
haled, trouble the Inngs and brdndhial
tubes. The race of Americans will run
down if the cigarette habit becomes
firmly settled in this oountiy."
'HOPPERS.
Of
v.thte
iltctoia—
The- Dtottict hi Mitt
•A tffed jfbrfiour YenrsfnSHC?
.ecMtpfr. /•,
The Jackson (gKibn.) Republican
s*ys tfc grifiRehopper question
has assumed a more serious aspect than
ever before there is no denying. Four
successive crops have been destroyed in
a good portion of Southwestern Minne
sota, and the fifth assured of destrac
tion. It is useless to recapitulate the
trials our people have passed through,
or tell how patiently they have waited
with, the vain hope that the pest would
leave us forever it is useless to .theorize
or moralise cftfthd .pest^il is^the dark
future with which we have to deal, and
which most interests our stricken peo
pje. t%e\now that onr crops have been
•early ill destroyed, and that egg^fire
deposited in every direction sufficient to
hatch grasshoppers another year to cover
every inch of ground in the county,
and that is all that need be said oil that
point.
future,we acknowledge we
are inadiqnate to adv&&v Every one is
differently circums'tribced, and must take
those circumstances into account in his
own individual case. If he has means
to purchase stock and engage exclusively
in that branch of industry, then no doubt
that is the better way. But most of our
farmers aye ixnable 'to do eVen that, and
are thrown with their families back upon
the scant earnings of one man for pro
curing sustenance. All our business
men equally jhareithe terrible loss, and
the outlook is a gloomy one indeed
"Had onr Legislature, at its last ses
sion, risen to a realizing sense of the
situation,* this calamity might have, to
somo extent, been averted. There no
way remains that we see but for State
and general governments to grapple this
question, and in some way destroy this
rapidly extending scourge. The best
way to dothis ve are unable to devise, but
that something must be done to stay this
army of-destruction is certain, or the
country will be depopulated. Our im
mediate vicinity is being depopulated
already, and we see no other way for a
majority of our people to bridge over this
gaping cavern but to temporarily seek
employment in other localities and watch
the result.
The editor of the Marshall (Minn.)
Messenger says It is humiliating to
be obliged ^o, keep windows closed to
shut out grasshoppers. When you have
to drive them from tho paper on which
you are writing, and flight them from
cases when setting type, and' disrobe
twice in fifteen minutes to untangle
them from linen, and brush them from
your eyes, and pick them from bare
imbs in the night, as we have done the
past week, then it will do to begin to
talk about humility."
ON HER EAR.
The Reese River Revielle tells of an
Austin man who was reading a story to
his wife the ether night, Qnd ca.^e to a
piece of fine writing," in which the
ear of the h'-roirie was compared to
some creamy-white, pink-tinted shell
of ocean."
"By the way," said the husband,cat
ting short his reading, "that descrip
'tion of the ear reminds me of your ear—
you have an ear like a shell."
It was tho first compliment she had
received from him since the early days
of their marriage, and a blush of pride
suffused her face as she asked—
Wlat kind of a shell, darling
•"An abalono shell," he replied.
She had never before heard of nor
seen an abalone 'shell, but she did not
want'-to display her ignoraftcr\ so she
made up her mind to hunt it up in the
"Condensed Conchology" that oma
mfehted the center-table. Next morning
the first thing she did after her hus
band had left the house, was to hunt up
the description of. the abalone shell.
She found it. It was described as a
shell about the size of an ordinary
wagon wheel. She nursed her wrath
during that day, and wh8n her husband
came home that night she met mat
the door with the towel roller, and now
his ear is as big as an abalone shell, but
it looks like apiece of pounded meat,
GETTING POSTED.
A colored man, hobbling along with
the aid of a crutch, halted a policeman
on Brush street, yesterday and said:
"I hasn't bin in dis town long, an' I
wants some advice."
"All right," was the ready reply.
"Now, if I is walking along do street
an' see afire what mus' I do about it?"
inquired the newly-anivedcitizen.
Why, you must Bliont fire as loud
as you can to attract attention."
"Yes."
"And then go to the noarest bait and
sound the alarm."
"I see."
Hie steamers will speedily respond
and the fire will be pat out.
"Dat seems sensible and all right
right mused the man, "but dere'sone
more question."
"Goahead.''6'' a„
"What salary (foea "dey pay me, an
Vhen does de cash begin to come in
The officer made a further explanation
and the old man shook his head and
responded:
Couldn't do it—couldn't think of it.
While I was gwine frew all doze motions
I could make two shillings sawing wood.
Ize born into dis world on a cash basis!"
—Free Pre ss.
i..
)A~:
AMEMA PHABAOH, the mother of King
.David Pharaoh of the Montaok tribe Of
Indians, and at the time of her death
tbe oldest woman living at the east end
of Long Island, was found dead upon
the floor of her welling,*on the nser
vation at Mohtauk, a tew clays ago.
A
:m*.'
TOTAII change of jli^t, with no m-»di
oine, is recommended by the professors
of King's College, London, as an efficient
method of treating nervous
sona.
Utrr.-vv.- .-|jj
Ilolls tbe long breaker in splendor, and glanoes
-Leapiap In light 1
Laughing and singing the swift ripple dance*,
Sparkling and bright
Up through the heaven the eorlew la firing,
Soaring so high «i
Sweetly his wild notes are ringing, and djrinz
Lost in the iky.
tilltter the sails to the south wind careening,
White-winged and brave
Bowing to breeze and to hollow, and'leaning
Low o'er the wave.
Beautiful wind, with the toaon of a lover
Leading the hour*,
Helping the winter-worn world to recover
All its lost flowers.
Gladly I hear thy warm whisper of rapture,
Sorrow is o'er 1
Earth all her muBic and bloom shall recapture,
Happy onoe more!
—Seribnerfor September.
M-.r/''1 ii
PLEASANTRIES.
THE Texas steer is something to ste
clear from.
MotiKG toi a new trial—Courting a
^fecondwife. r'A
WHAT portal knows
Whence come tlie tint and odor of the rose
What probing deep
Has ever solved the mystery of sleep 1
—T. Bi Alirieh.
GREECE is in a trying state, end seet!
ing hot.—Pittsburg Commercial. You
shouldn't render any such effal jokes as
that this weather.—Detroit Post.
NBWYOMC Commercial: "Tho story
that the Servian soldiers are shooting off
their fingers to avoid battle indicates that
they don't see anything to be gained by
having a full hand."
A
CIIEBGYMAN
said tho otner ?ay that
modern young ladies were not daughters
of Shem and Ham but daughters of
Hem and Sham—compounds of plain
sewing and make-believe.
PICKPOCKETS are having bard limes.
Ten out of a dozen pockets {hat I go
into," complains one of them, "don't
Have a thing in 'em but unreceipted
board bills and donning letters."
WASN'T it rough on Ella, just as sho
was telling Frederick, at lunch, how
ethereal her appetite was, to have the
cook bawl out, Say, will ye have yer
pork and greens now, or wait till yer
feller's gone?"
A FBENCH writer says that Burgundy
is the gentleman of wines. Soda-water,
the next morning, is his sis-ter.—Herald.
And Clicquot is bis widow. And vinegar
his mother. And VYrzenay his grand
mamma And several others be-cidcr.—
Philadelphia Bulletin.
STKAM is a great thing," remarked a
traveler-in a railroad to his vis-a-vis.
So it is," was the reply I owe my
fortune to it." "Monsieur is nanagcr
of a company No." An engineer,
perhaps?" No, I have lost a number
of relatives by railroad accidents."
AN Arkansas Coroner^having occasion
to investigate the cause of a man's death
lately, charged the jury to at certain
whether the man came to his death by
accidence, by incidence or by the incen
diary." The jury returned that "he
oame to his death by incidence, tho
bowie-knife haviqg incidentally touched
on a vital part"
A
PROMINENT
newspaper man of Nor­
wich is now taking his annual vacation.
Hp was recently observed struggling
among the sad sea waves at a fashion
able resort in a supreme effort to keep
his flat-bottomed ear from being caught
in the trough of the sea and swamped
but, when advised to let it drift ashore,
he replied, in the words of the poet,
"Leander swam the Hellespont, and I
can swim this ear."— Worcester Press.
"LOOK here, boy," said a gruff indi
vidual to an enterprising bloot-black,
who was loooking out for customers on
the corner of Woodward and Jefferson
avenues yesterday, "look here, boy, do
yqu suppose every man that comes this
way wants his boots blacked "No,
sir, I do not," replied the shiner, but
Uncle Lather Beecher said that a great
many might be induccd to indulge a
brief manipulation of their pedes
trial es
sentials by reminding them that I was
here for that express purpose." The
lad got a job.—Detroit Free Press.
A SCOTCH minister thus discoursed on
the carelessness of his flock: "Breth
ren, when you leave the church just
look down at the Duke's swans they
are very bonny swans, an' they'll bo
sooming about an* aye dooming doon
their heads and laving theirseLt wi' the
clear -water till they're a drookit then
you'll see them sooming to the shore,
an' they'll gie their wings a bit fltp and
they're dry again. Now, my friends,
you come here every Sabbath, an' I lave
you a' ower wi* the Gospel till ye'ro
fairly drooit wi' it But you just gang
awa' hama, an' sii don by your lire
side, gie your wings a bit li p, an' ye're
dry as ever again."'
TUB EMPRESS HVGENIE.
A correspondent who lately saw the
Empress Eugenie, says she has broken
sadly in the last year or two, and has
lost nearly every vestige of her beauty.
She has grown very stout, dyes her hair
and covers her face with powder, while
the slight lameness which she used to
dissimulate so skillfully has become very
apparent in her gait. Her stately bear
ing and the noble carriage of her head
and shoulders are still very remarkable.
She looks like one accustomed to wear a
crown. It is a significant fact that all
the photographs of her now offered for
iale in the Parisian shops were taken two
or three years ago, so apparently she*
has not cared to sit for any later ones.
Her ex-Majesty must be somewhere in
the neighborhood of 50, so that the
decadence of her charms is scarcely to
be wondered at.
loiJKa. gentleman who moves in the
oest society: of San Antonio,. raid the
OthiBr evening to a young lady The
fo&Age is much mor$ exuberant this year?
han usual.'! "Yes," she answered,
thoughtfully, all them imported fiuits
MA NIOIU ftUI
is cheaper than they used to was.'
A&