Newspaper Page Text
Mr. John W. Garrett is to present the City of Baltimore with $20,000 fountain, adorucu with figures in bronze. BtPitor Muhoue weighs but ninety pounds, while Mis. Muhoue tip the scales at two hundred. Here is a chance for readjustment. Senator Ben Hill's tongue is again giving him trouhle because of his cancerous affection, and lie is returning to Philadelphia for consultation with his physician. Madame Christine Nilasoti has ro fused to come to America, hut has ac cepted an engagement for an English provincial tour. She is to receive $100,000 and a share of the prolits if they exceed a certain sum beyond that figure. It is related of Mr. Spurgeon that he was once addressed in ihe street by a ierson who, with the briefest of in troductions, called him "a very great humbug. "1 am only too happy, sir. was the preacher's reply, "to be a very great anything. The Emperor of Germany possesses a constitution of iron. It was a matter of surprise that, at his age, as far back as 1859, when the war with Napoleon was waging, he could undergo the tremendous hardships and dangers of open field duty by day and night; and now, after the lapse of eleven years, in his 83rd year, he is found in the saddle three hours at a stretch, reviewing his troops. Dr. Tanner, the faster, lately opened an office in Jamestown, X. Y., and himself informed the editor of the Journal of that town that he had not died in Amsterdam or anywhere else. The Journal credits his statement fully, even adding that his present robust condition is in striking contrast to his appearance when lie came there first at the conclusion of his long fast. Sojourner Truth has received from friends in England a valuable silk dress, and says she means to live to wear it out. Invitations for her to come on a lecturing expedition to Eng land and Europe are declined, because, as she quaintly says, her work here is not finished yet. Her eye-sight is im proving, her hair is growing blacker, and her general health stronger, in spite of more than 100 years of life. The Chambersburg (Penu.) llepusi tori says that Dr. Agnew first settled in the little straggling village of Upton, Franklin County, Penn., 42 years ago, and advertised his card in the issue ol that paper for May 7, 1839, as follows: "Dr. D. H. Agnew offers his profes sional services to all who may favor him with their calls. He may be found at Mr. Thomas McCausland's, near the Greeucastle aud Merceraburg turnpike, midway between the above-named places." Elizabeth, the young Queen of Iloumania, speaks admirably six lan guages, and is a clever, handsome and kindly woman. Suffering has made her tender; her great, grief is the loss of her only child, a beautiful and gentle little girl four year old. The Queen keeps an album, in which she writes down her stray thoughts, and a Conti nental journalist has copied some of them. Here is one queenly sentiment: "Life is an art in which too many re main only dilettantes. To become a master, one must pour out one's life blood." Again: "White hairs are the crests of foam which cover the sea af ter the tempest." "Sleep is a generous thief; ho gives to vigor what he takes from time." "If you could throw as an alms to those who would use it well the time that you fritter away, how many beggars would become rich!" "Duty only frowns when you llee from it; follow it and it smiles upon you." There is a keen satire in the following: "The world never forgives our talents, our successes, our friends, nor our pleasures. It only forgives our death. Nay, it does not always pardon that." Sports and Amusements. The announced withdrawal of Maud S. from the track for this season is a great disappointment to the Fleetwood Association. There are other graf trotters that may come to the front be fore the snow falls. The famous gelding Little Brown Jug is no w the acknowledged cham pion of the world. At Hartford, Aug. 25, he won the free-for-all pacing race in theunparallelled time of 2:11, l:llf 2124, ne fastest time over made by a pacer, the fastest three consecutive heats ever made by either trotter or pacer, and the fastest time ever made in a race with other horses by any trot ting or pacing horse in the world. A party were bragging of the size of the fish they caught, when an appeal was nude to an old fisherman whether he had ever seen a larger fisb caught in that lake. He replied: "Wal, I can't exactly tell as to the weight, but you folks can tigger on it. Now, you know it is over 200 miles around this yer lake. Put that down. As 1 said before, I don't know the weight of the biggest fish I ever yanked out, but I did haul one up ou the beach, and after I landed him the lake fell three feet, and you can see by the watermark oer yonder it hasn't riz since." Horse Conundrums. When is a horse like a business man in trouble? When he breaks. Pkikkktohia 9un, When is he like a miner? When he is working the shafts. Steulxmcille Ihr ald. When is he like selecting a cheese ? When he has a bit in his mouth. iltichmonif Baton. When i3 he like a lover? When he is going on a swing ing gait. When is he like a young lady out shopping? When he is driven home by the reins. When is he like a negro entry clerk ? When he is a coal black charger. ffciMft MffNK When is he like a man who lus eaten himself full? When he to stalled Phil. Idem. When is he like a drunken man? When he h;is the staggers. N. Y Eh: li. Ii. .hmnml. When is he like Ned Hanlan? When he's a roan. N. Y. News. When is he like these conun drums? When he is playexl out. Steuhenoille II mid, The oldest missionary in India is the Rev. George I'earce, of the English Baptist Noci-ty. He arrived in India In 1826, consequently he has spent fifty-five yvars in the service. The Kev. J. P. Kottier, who died in 1K.;C. spent sixty years in India, a longer term than any missionary in that country. The Owosso Times. VOL. III. SAVING MOTH KB. The farmer nat in hi mny chair Betweu Hi-- .ii ' aud th lamplight's glare; His face w.is iu lily anrl full ami fair; Uia t. p" hiii i I boys lu the the chimney MB Conne i tu Uqmh of a picture-book; Hia wi .-. lue pride of bis borne mi l heart, Baked th tmscui aud made the tart. Laid ili.-1 1 and ateeped the tea, Deftly, swiftly, atlentJj ; Tired aud weary aud weak and faint, She bore bir ti i tla without coiuphdut, Like many another household saint Content ad felfUh bliss abore lu the patient ministry of lore. At last, between the clouds of smoke That wreathed his lips, the husband spoke: "There's taxes to raise, aud int'rest t pay-.-Vitil ef there should come a rainy day, 'twould be uiiituty bandy, I'm bound to ML r bare sumthiu put by. For folks must die, Aa? there's funeral bills, and uravrstones to buy Enough to swamp a man purty nigh; beside? , there' Edward aud luck and Joe t o be provided for wheu we go, So, i I was you, I'll tell ye what I'd du: I'd be savlu o wood as ever I could' Extra fires dou't do auy good; I'd be savin' of soaH, sud savin of lie, Aud ruu up some caudles once in awhile; I'd rather be sparur of culiee aud tea, i'or sugar is high, And all to buy, And cider is good enough drink for me; I'd be kind oxareful about my clo'es Aud look outslarp how the money goes Gewgaws is useless, nater knows; &xua 1 1 1 ii. mi ii 'S the baue of women. 'I'd sell off the best of my cheese aud bouey, And egg is as good, nigh about, as the MMMfl And as to the carpet you wanted new I guess we can make the old oue du ; And us for t:ie washer, au sewm machine, them suioolh-tougued agents, se pesky mean, You'd belter get rid of 'em, slick and clean. What dObhey kn6w about women's work? llo they Citikiiate women was made to shirk t Dick and Edward and little Joe Sat iu the coruer in a row. They saw the patient mother go Ou ceaseless errands to aud fro; They caw that her form was bent aud thin, Her temples gruy, her cheeks sunk in; rht-y haw the quiver of lip and chiu A.uu then, with a wrath be could not smother, Outspoke til.- youngest, frailest brother: "xou talk or savin' wood and lie An' tea and sugar all the while, Dut you never talk of savin' mother!" THE BELLE'S HUSBAND. Many have heard the story of La Belle Paule,' of Toulouse. She was a mediaeval married lady, so beautiful that her husband received orders from the magistrate of Toulouse to walk in public with her for at least two hours every week, in order that the people of the city might not be deprived of that tappiness which comes lrom the con templation of lovely features in women. There is, again, the story of 'Catherine Glover, the Fair maid of Perth,' whose wondrous charms drew more gallants to her father's door than old Simon Glover approved of. In short, there are many instances, both in fact and Action, showing that the possession of an extremely beautiful wife or daugh ter may at times throw a man of easy going ways into embarrassment. Charley Despard had been married about two years before his wife's lovli ness began, in ways at first unsuspect ed by him, to operate upon his fortun es. By that time he loved his wife not a whit less than he had done on his wedding-day, but, of course he had got accustomed to her winsome face; and then she was so domesticated that he never had occasion to be alarmed at .he homage paid her. During thelirst six months after their marriage they travelled a good deal ; at the end of a year a baby was born to them, for the next twelve-month Lottia Despard had plenty to do in attending to this little creature. In meantime, Charley Des pard worked hard to earn money. He was a barrister without practice, who wrote a good deal for newspapers, and had succeeded in establishing what is called a good footing on the press. His 'copy' found ready markets in half-a-dozen offices of newspapers and mag azines, and he got orders enough for special work to occupy all his time. Sometimes he was sent to report a state pageant, a royal wedding, a re view; or he would go as commissioner to write about some accident on a rail way or in mines; at other times he did the highly-colored descriptive articles of cricket-mate .es and races on the turf or the river. When there was noth ing of importance going on, ho indited leaders at the rate of about six a week, on all kinds of subjects. Despard objected to undertake work which would oblige him to leave his home for more than forty-eight hours. He had a preUily-furnished house in iow er Street, to which he Wits attach ed; and, naturally, Lottie did not like him to go away on long expeditions where she could not accompany him, Consequently, Despard had always de clined those tempting, because lucra tive, offers of special correspondentship Abroad during times of war or revolu tion. The day came, however, when lUOh I really good thing was thrown in his way that he did not feel justified in refusing it, though the acceptance of it involved his leaving London for nearly a month. The editorship of a daily newspaper in a northern manu faeturing town had fallen vacant just as an important 1'ai liinentary election was going to take place. Despard was requested to accept the post for the electoral campaign, with the option Of retaining it afterwards if ho pleased. Bui lor his month's engagement, which was to involve an immense amount of work ;ind responsibility, he was to re MfYt four hundred pounds. Plumbs of this size are not thrown into one's lap every day, and Lottie, though her hea it was heavy at the necessity of being se parated lor a whole month from her hus land, told him that he must go, by all means. So he went. OWOSSO, It was but a few days after this that Mrs. Despard s surprising beauty be gan to be I ilk I'd about by a great many persons who now saw her for the first time. Lottie had resolved that she would spend the period of her husbands absence in discharging a long roll of unpaid visits and renewing acquaint anceships with old friends whom she had allowed to (Iron out of sight, and almost out of memory, during the t wen ty-four happy honeymoons with which she had inaugurated her wedded life The result of all this visiting, w hich was undertaken at first as an irksome task, was that Lottie was soon favored with a number of invitations to dinners and parties. Charley, to whom she wrote every day, advised her to accept these, for he was anxious that she should not be dull while he was away. Then, when he had been gone three weeks, Lottie wrote to say that she had been invited to take part in some private theatricals.' At the end of her letter she said: 'What am I to do, Charley, dear It is Lady Stvrre. mamma's friend, who has invited me. She is going to give a performance at her house in support of some charitv. and 1 am afraid it would look ungracious to reiuse, though I do not like acting in public I am sure 1 shall be so nervous. But Desna rd. who was now in the very thick ot the electonai iray, witn telegrams pouring into his office at every moment, dashed off a few lines to tell his wife that she ought not by anv means to miss an opportunity of obliging Lady Styrre. So Lottie per formed at the theat lcals, and acheiv ed a remarkable suecss. The perform ance was not enacted at Lady Styrre s house, as had been first arranged, but at one of the theatres, which had been chartered for one night. So many ap plicants tor seats had, however, tailed to get admission, that it w as resolved to repeat the performance two days later; ind thus Lottie appeared belore crowd ed metropolian audiences two night: within the same week. Ana slie was applauded to the echo, not so much as an actress as a beauty. So long as a woman lives quietly at home her beauty may be acknowledged by her friends, but it cannot be talked of as ii marvel, for it lacks that renown which gives consecration to human gifts, whether they be of mind or of person. The case is different when a woman shows herself upon a stage, lor then she appears to seek a public ver dict, and must abide by the consequen ces. liOttie necame dubbed 'the beau- tiful Mrs. Despard.' It cannot be said that the title displeased her. The ad miration which was lavished upon her, though novel and somewhat disquiet ing in its sudden intensity, brought with it a sense of excitement and per sonal triumph to which no woman of fiesh and blood could be indifferent. Lottie had been complimented in pub lic by a royal prince, and from that noment all kinds of people in high so ciety asked to be introduced to her, and sent her cards to social festivities, She received presents likewise a great many boquets, and a handsome bracelet from the stewards of the charity for which she had performed. As a mat er of course too, her services were solicit ed for other charitable objects. Would she sing at a concert? Would she join the Charade Club t Would she take a stall at the forthcoming fancy fair in aid of the Shoeblacks' Clothing Fund? Lottie wrote amusing letters to her husband to relate her triumphs. He had been absent more than a month then, and she daily expected him home. Unfortunately his absence in the mrth was prolonged by a series of un expected events. The election was over, and the candidate belonging to Despard's party had won the seat; but now a new ministry, was iormed, anu the member for B., having accepted office, vacated his seat before he had formally taken possession of it. Con trary to all expectations, the reverse party resolved to oppose his reelection, ind Despard, who had conducted the first campaign in a way to earn the heartiest thanks from his employers, was requested to remain a few weeks over the time to manage the second. He could not have well refused, even had not such satisfactory pecuniary terms been appended to the request. As it was, he contrived to run up to town for three days to see his wife, ind then started back for his post, re freshed by this short holiday, and feel ing game for any amount of work that promised good pay and praise. Before ho went, Lottie had asked that she might go with him. 'I do not like your being away so long, Charley, she said, with tears in her eyes; 'it feels as if our happy little home were broken up.' 'You couldn't go with me, dear.' answered Despard. trying to banter away her melancholy. 'II. is a regu lar hole, and ou would find nothing to do there. I am at work almost all day, and sometimes a greater part of the night, at the office. As for our home being broken up. child, why think of the lots of money I am mak ing, and how many pleasant things we shall be able to afford when I return.' I liked our old stylo of living best,' answered Lottie, with a little sigh. 'I haesomany new friends now, and they are forever wanting to take me away from home. 1 don't 0M1 about going to parties without you.' 'Well, I shall only be away for a fort night this time,' affirmed Despard, as he kissed her. 'Alter that there shall be no more gadding about, except you go with me eh, little woman?' She smiled at him as he went off, and doubted not that he would return in two weeks, lint these two weeks stretched into three; and then the new election taking place, Despard's candi MICH., FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 23 1881. date was defeated. A petition was lodged and there was considerable excitement over the whole country. Despard tar ried a lew uavs more to indite some leaders about the petition; and after this he remained yet awhile to help the plaintiffs in getting up their case. Lvery morning he used to write to his wife, 'I hope to be able to start for home to-morrow;' but something always occurred to delay his departure and day after day slipped by without his noticing the Might of time. Hav ing been well paid for his work, he was anxious, like a good fellow, to do more than he had been strictly paid for; but one morning he was abruptly recalled to a sense ot his marital obligations by receiving an anonymous letter. It was a female hand, and ran as fol lows: 'When the cat is away the mice will pliiy. The beautiful Mrs. Despard has no doubt a complacent husband, who does not mind his wife receiving com promising attention from Lord Gal liard. At least this is what the world will say if Mr. Despard continues to shut his eyes much longer.' Some jealous catamaran wrote this, I suppose,' muttered Charley, as he crumpled up the letter. Hut after re flecting a moment, he resolved that he must go up to town. He took a train couple of hours later, and on the journey a disagreeable thing happened. He had bought some of the lighter weeklies and comic papers to read in the carriage, and ir two of these he read accounts of the beautiful Mrs. Despard's' appearance at the Charade Club and at a fancy fair. One of the papers called her the 'Dawn ing Beauty,' and gave a rough portrait of her with some idiotic lines of poetry ippended. Despard was not pleased by this homage to his wife; but he was still less satisfied when on reaching his house in Gower street he found that Lottie had just gone out to a dinner party. It was seven o'clock; but the season was summer, so Uharlev, feel ing unreasonably vexed at his wife's absence (for he had not telegraphed to her to say that he was coming), set out on foot to ramble toward his club. On his Wiiy some more disagreeables con fronted him. In the window of a shop in Oxford Street he saw a number of photographs of Lottie displayed (capital photo graphs, they were' too), with the name Mrs. Despard written over them just as though that name were already well known to fame. Astonishment rooted him to the spot for a minute, then he marched into the shop and said sharply to a young man behind the coun ter 'I am Mr. Despard, and these are portraits of my wife. Have you Mrs. Despard's permission to exhibit her likeness in this fashion?' I don't know, I'm sure, sir, answer ed the young man, startled. 'I know Mrs. Despard s photographs are in trade ? Wo got them from the Collo dion Company. You must withdraw them from your window, please. The Collodion Company have no authority from me, ind I shall take their manager to task about it to-morrow.' He walked out much offended, but le had already made up his mind what to do. He repaired to the office of the Early Mall, a newspaper for which he worked a good deal while he was in town, and waited until the editor, had arrived towards eleven o'clock ask ed him point-blank whether he could give bun any commission for work abroad. The foreign manager of the Early was just then looking out for a correspondent to go to Athens and write up the Greek question in all its bearings. 'I am afraid, though, this will keep you several months away, he said, 'and I know you don't much like foreign journeys.' 'This will do capitally for me.' re plied Despard. 'I can start the day after to-morrow.' and thereupon he went home. His wife had just come back from the dinner party. He thought he had never seen her look so lovely before; but her greeting was sis affec tionate as it ever had been. Her lovely eyes fairly sparkled with joy at seeing him. 'O, Charley, what a long separa tion this has been,' she said with her head nestling on his shoulder, 'but we won t part again eh r 'No, dear, if you and baby can come to Athens with me,' he said, stroking her hair. 'What should you say to bat ing this house for a year and going to Greece ? I have a capital engagement there.' To Athens?' Lottie echeod, opening her eyes wide, but showing no other sign of emotion. 'Why, dear, of course I II go if you go. Hut I wiis just go ing to tell you that Lord Halliard has been assuring me he could get you a nice post in ffie customs at home.' I would rather not be indebted for any thing to Ijord Oalliard,' answered Charley Despard, with a frown. Why not? Hut, after all, I do not like the man either,' exclaimed Lottie, without waiting for an answer to her lirst question. 'Wo'll go to Athens, then, eh? What fun it will be, Charley! It will le like the old times, just niter we were married.' 'And sha'n't you be a bit sorry to leave the scene of your new triumphs as beautiful Mrs. Despard?' asked her husband, with rather an uneasy smilo. 'Sorry; O, nol If you only knew, Charley, how tired I am of London life. Anything and anywhere to be alone with you again. A few days later the journal which had published Mrs. Despard's portrait remarked, ruefully, that this 'new star in the firmament of beauty' was to be only a shooting star, after all. She had 'set in the East.' What a foolish fellow that Despard must be,' observed Lord Galliard, with annoyance, when he heard the news. 'Well, I don't know that 1 should call him so foolish,' replied Lady Styrre, who perhaps knew something of that anonymous letter which Charley Des paid had received. Lady Styrre had a daughter, whom Lord Galliard had first wooed and afterwards forsaken, when the beautiful Mrs. Despard had dawned. His lordship soon afterward took up with Miss Styrre again, and married her before the season had ended. Who knows what his fate and Des pard's might have been if Ire had suc ceeded in laying the latter under an ob ligation to him for a post in the cus toms ? The Weeping WiUow. You have all seen and admired tin weeping willow tree the Salix Baby- lonica upon which the captive He brews hung their harps when they sat down by the rivers of Babylon and "wept when they remembered Zion It is a native of the Garden of Eden, and not of America, and I will tell you how it emignited to this country. More than one hundred and fifty years ago a merchant lost his fortune. He went to Smyrna, a seaside city of Asm Minor, to recover it. Alexander Pope, one of the greatest poets of Eng land, was the merchant's warmest friend, and sympathized with him in his misfortunes. Soon sifter the merchant arrived in Smyrna he sent to Pope, as a present a box of dried figs. At that time the poet had built a beautiful villa at Twickenham, on the bank of the Thames, and was adorning it with trees, shrubbery and flowering plants. On opening the box of tigs, Pope dis covered in it a small twig of a tree. It was a stranger to him. As it came from the East, he planted the twig in the ground near the river, close by his villa. The spot accidentally chosen for the planting was favorable to its growth, for the twig was from the weeping willow tree possibly from the banks of one of the 'rivers of Baby lon which flourishes best along the borders of water courses. This little twig grew vigorously.and in a few years it became a large tree, spreading wide its branches and droop ing, graceful sprays, and winning the admiration of the poet's friends as well as strangers. It became the an cestor of all the wreeping willow trees in England. There was a rebellion in the English- American colonies in 1775. British troops were sent to Boston to put down the insurrection. Their leaders expect ed it to end in a few weeks after their arrival. Some young officers brought fishing tackle with them, to enable them to enjoy sport after their brief war. Others came to settle on the con fiscated land of the rebels. Among the latter wriis a young officer on the staff of General Howe. He irought with him, wrapped in oil silk, a twig from rope s weeping willow tree at Twickenham, which he intend ed to plant on some stream watering his American estate. Washington commanded an army be fore Boston and kept the British im prisoned in that city a long time against their will. On his staff was his step son John Parke Custis, who frequently went to the British headquarters, un der the protection of a flag, with dis patches for General Howe. He became acquainted with the young officer who had the willow twig, and they became friends. Instead of "crushing the rebellion in six weeks," the British army at Boston, at the end of an imprisonment of nine months, were glad to fly by sea for their life and liberty, to Halifax. Long be- fore that flight the British subaltern. satisfied that he should never have an estate in America to adorn, gave his carefully preserved willow twig to young Custis, who planted it at Abing don, his estate in Virginia, where it grew and tlourished,and became a par ent to all the weejri g willow trees in the United States. Some time after the war General Horatio Gates, of the Revolution, set tled on 'Rose Hill Farm,' on New York Island, and at the entrance to the lane which led from the country road to his house he planted a twig from the vig orous willow of Abingdon, which he had brought with him. That country road is now Third Avenue, and the land is Twenty-second Street. Gates' mansion built of wood and two stories in height, stood near the corner of Twenty-seventh Street and Second Av enue, where 1 saw it consumed by fire. The tree which grew from the sprig planted at the entrance of Gates' lane remained until compara tively a few years ago. It stood on the North-east corner of Third avenue Mid Twenty-second Street. It was a direct descendant, in the third generation, of Pope's willow, planted at Twicken ham about 1722. Benson F Lossiuy. Hanlan's final decision: Hanlan challenges Wallace Ross or any man in the world to row three or four miles for $2,000 to $5,000 a side, on a course to be mutually agreed upon within six or seven weeks. The challenge is open for two weeks, and its fulfillment or non-fulfillment, if not accepted within two weeks, will end his career as a pro fessional oarsman. Liverpool ranks next London in En gland, u it h,a population over 550,000; Hinningham has over 400,000; Man chester and Leeds each exceed 300,000; Sheffield and Bristol have over 200,000 inhabitants each. Curiously the popu lation of Manchester has fallen off 10, 000 since the census of 1871. NO. 19. Wise and Otherwise. You don't guide a hen by saying "uee iienna. You will seldom find an attomey-at law ne knows better. The Kittatinny mountains are a con tinuation ot the Catskill. Vanity Fair says: The present style or ladies evening dress is the low and oenoiu style. Charles Lamb remarked of one of his critics: "The more I think of him, the less I think of him." It isn't because a woman is exactly afraid of a cow that she runs awav and screams. It is because gored dresses are not fashionable. 'After all," says the Hlmira Free Press, wiping its mouth on a red-bor dered napkin, "the most popular green backer is a watermclon." "Where are the nine?" sings Mr Sankey. Why, they're down East, get ting the slutting knocked out of em. unicayo Tribune. A merchant died suddenly just after mushing a letter. His clerk added, in postscript; "Since writing the above I have died. Tuesday evening, 7th in stant." "Oh, you are too self-conscious," said Fogg to a young man. I self-conscious!" exclaimed Adolescence; "I am conscious of nothing." "That's what I said," re plied Fogg. If a man these days has not got enough money tolive at home comfort ably, he can at least afford to sail over the country forty miles an hour in an express train. The fellow up in Michigan who un dertook to run awav with a trirl and found himself running with three of them is running yet. Michigan girls love a good joke. Inter Ocean. Scene on the porch of a White Moun tain hotel. Six-year-old-innocent "Mamma, w hy is Mrs. Ficklelove called a grass widow t Mamma "Because Mr. Ficklelove died of hay-fever, my dear." A Cincinnati paper complains that "there is not even a dew-drop" of mois ture. But what does that matter to a Cincinnatian while "Old Crow" is cheap and glucose lager is plentiful '(--Ohicayo Inter-Ocean. A young lady was caressing a pretty spaniel and murmuring, "I do love a nice dog!" "Ah," sighed a dandy, standing near, "I would I were a dog!" "Never mind, retorted the young lady. sharply; "you'll grow!" Professor Bell claims that he has succeeded in inventing a machine that will "locate a bullet in the human body." He needn't think that's any thing new. Almost every man in Den- uer totes such an instrument. When a member, in the course of a long speech, called for a glass of water, i member sitting near exclaimed sotto voce to Ins neighbor: "This is all contrary to the laws of mechanics a windmill running by water!" "Yes, You May Kiss Me, but Don't You Tell Pa," is the title of the latest song, it was very evident that this girl was not addressing a Chicago young man. in the tree and boundless West the boys never tell pa. Graphic. A couple of lawyers engaged in a ;aso were recently discussing the issue. 'At all events, said the younger and more enthusiastic, "wo have justice on our side." To which the older and warier replied: "Quite true; but what we want is tfie cinet justice on our side." The accurate editor made a mistake f "ninety" points. Brother Medill hits reached the point in life when he might well afford to ask, "Am 1 with the ninety aud nine i There is a large class of men who, when "the stufliu' is knocked out," will not have much left. Chicayo Inter-Ocean. Olive Logan began one of her lect ures recently with the remark, "When ever I see a pretty girl I want to clasp her in my arms. "So do we, shout ed the boys in the gallery. Yov a mo ment Olive was nonplussed, but, re covering her self-possession, she replied, Well, boys, I don t blame you. A newspaper agent, being told by an old lady that it was no use to sub scribe for papers, as Mother Shipton siiid the world was coming to an end this year, said: "But won't you want to read an account of the whole affair as soon as it is over?" "That I will," answered the old lady; and she sub scribed. An extract from the letter of a re cent emigrant "I'm wurking on do roads here at Saratogy, but I don't in tend to do it long. Shu re Mike Mill hooley, who left homo three years ago come nixt Aister, has a rich young lady to drive him around the city wid a beautiful span, and he sitting up ln hind an his airnis folded loike a foine gentleman entirely." I wish," said the fanner's wife to her husband and six boys, "that some of you would siioot the eller cat." So they all, when they happen ed to think of it, we.nt and loaded the gun. Luckily, it was the youngest boy that fired it, for he w;is very healthy and could stand being kicked through a fence. When he came to, he went and baptized thai gun "Old mule." At an evening party a lady was called upon for a song, and began, "I'll strike again my tuneful lyre." Her husband was observed to dodge suddenly and start hurriedly from the room, exclaim ing: "Not if I know it, she won't. She belts blue blazes out of mo at home, and I stand it like a man, but when she threatens to hit me in a strange house, and calls me a liar before folks, I'll run as long as I have a spark of manhood left." An eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house of a lawyer whom he considered too sharp ii practitioner. The lawyer ungracious ly nit the question: "Doctor, these are members of your (lock; may I ask if you look upon them M white sheen or as buck sheep?" I don't know," answered the divine, dryly, "whether they are black or white sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be fleeced." Several men were standing at the corner of a street when one of the most fashionable ladies of the neighborhood passed. "Ah," exclaimed one of the men, "what a complexion! There is nothing to beat it iu the neighborhood. I am proud of that woman, I am." "Are you her husband?" asked a stranger. "No sir." "Her father, then?" "No, sir; 1 am no relation of hers, but 1 am proud of her complex ion. 1 am the chemist that sold it to her. I make it myself." He was a young fellow in the hard ware line. One day when the boss was at dinner, a countryman came to buy some nuts. He found the article that suited him, and wanted a dozen. Young Blackie looked at the price list and found they were listed "25 cents a dozen, 30 off." He gave a low, inverted whistle, and then with a sudden inspi ration, ho handeu ' stonier 5 cent and told him ho could buy the nuts at the next store. "By George, he said. when ho was telling the governor about the transaction, "I thought the best thing 1 could do was to save the nuts, anyhow." Burlington Hawkeye. SCIENTIFIC NOTES. Don't believe In coal-tar as an appli cation to board-fences. It is the worst thing that can be used under the plea of being a protection. It rots the wood. Nowadays, when we see a young man with his nose split open and four front teeth gone, we are unable to tell whether he is a professional base-ball player or m amateur bicycle player. . An improved stock car has been pat ented by Mr. Coroden J. Shifter, of Grand J unction, Mich. The odject of this invention is to facilitate the trans portation of animals in cars, and pro mote their comfort while being trans ported. lo make rusty saws and shovels look bright and new: Scour with pumice stone powder moistened with muriatic icid diluted with about five volumes of water. Finish with emery cloth or paper and oil, and finally with cotton waste or a cloth and oil. Feathers may be bleached by expos ure to the vapor of burning sulphur (sulphurous acid) in a moist atmos phere, but it is usually necessary to re move the oily matters from them bo- ore they can besat;sfactorily so bleach ed. This ma be accomplished by im mersing them for a short time in good naphtha or benzine.rinsing in a second vessel of the same, and thoroughly dry- ng by exposure to the air. This treat ment does not injure the feathers. At the close of 1880, the number of narrow gtuigc railways in the United States was 149, and the total mileage of track 5,962. During the seven nonths of tha l. esent year a consider able portion of this mileage has been hanged to the standard gunge, while 10 m pi natively few miles of the narrow guage have been laid; so that the fig ures at the close of 1881 will show a decided tailing off of the narrow track system. To clean brass, make a mixture of one part common nitric acid and one- lall part sulphuric acid in a stone jar; then place ready a nil of fresh water ind a box of saw-dust. Dip the arti cles to be cleaned in the acid, then re move them into the water, after which rub them with saw-dust. This im mediately changes them to a brilliant color. If the brass is greasy it must be first dipped in a strong solution of potash and soda in warm water. Hi is cuts the grease so that the acid ias the power to act. Ibis is a govern ment recipe used in the arsenals. Mr. William M. Turner, of Albiajo- wa, has patented an improved milk ooler designed to raise cream on the milk on the cream-gathering plan.soas to allow the larmers to set their own milk to be skimmed by the manufac turers of butter. It consists in a can having an upper and lower Hanged cov er and three vertical tubes.oneof which leads from the tray formed by the flange on the top side of the cover, and conveys the cold water to the middle tube, which is larger, and which rises in the centre of the can to nearly the top of the same, and from the top of which the water passes into another tube on the opposite side from the first, to the bottom of the can, at which point the water emerges and surrounds the whole body of the can to height of milk, and passes off through an over- tlow orifice in a surrounding tank, in which tho can is partially submerged, by which means a positive circulation ind thorough cooling effect are pro duced. Religion of tho Presidents. Washington and Garfield were the mly ones who were church members; hut all, with one exception, were men who revered Christianity. Adams married a ministers daughter, and was inclined to Unitarianism. Jefferson was not a believer at least not while he was chief magistrate. Madison's early connections were Presbyterian. Monroe is said to have favored the Episcopal church. John Quincy Ad ams w;is like his father. Jaokson was a Methodist and died in the com munion of that church. Van Buren w as brought up in the Reformed Dutch church, bul afterward inclined to the Kpiscopal church. Polk was baptised by a Methodist preacher after his term of office hail expired. Taylor was in clined to the Kpiscopal conimimin. Fillmore attended the Unitarian church, md Franklin Pierce was a Member, but not a oommunicMit, of a Congregationalist .church at Concord. Buchanan was a Presbyterian. Gen. Grant attended thV Methodist church, and President Garfield is a member of the Church of the D'sciple . A little boy, upon being told by his mother that too much ice-cream would make her sick, replied, as he extended an arm, "Guess it won't hurt me, cause I've been wax mated."