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2feje fijclxiia gaxhj gaglje: jgmttfag; otning, gCttgtist 15, 1897 LAND GRABBER JOHN BULL. ' '" !!! " "' "' jjjjfri I" '" " " '" "T MR. CROKER IN VARIOUS LANDS. u THE WORK of THE WITS. Ufc m "- "- "z "itvT: in n; f ff -" "1 - XT Vit WlHllllinillHIlHinillHHIHlllHllilllllHm 'NAMES!. i- -is--- .?ss--(sjj.t-f jK I xnikux 1111111 fc TRA,N: y v3 mill! vbbl' ij-wwh- 1 1 . OWBlV (f mwBjm& Wft JHV k. llllll! ii4iifei 185W M m- lOflEir RAM im frtGLAND' WHERE HE WILL SOON BACHELOR THOUGHTS. If I had my way, no woman should have hers. The folk that laughed hardest at Noah were the ones that were car rying around borrowed umbrellas. Taking one's revenge is like hit ting at a mosquito the woise you want to get it the harder you slap yourself. Girls always need a quiet place to make up a quairel in. so they can cry and put their arms around each other. No man can feel sure that he could love only one woman till he has seen all there are. Love is like a turtle. The more you try to poke him out the farther he crawls into his shell. Some men are so conceited that if they weren't dead they would rise right up in the coffin during the fu neral sermon and applaud. New York Press. PROVIDENCE AGAINST HIM. "Tne railroad ran over us re cently." writes a rural editor, "but in this, as in all other instances, Provdence was against us. The fool engine only cut off our wooden leg, and we can't get damages." Atlanta Constitution. THE ODOR. "There seems to be a smell of cooking around here," remarked the traveler to the cannibal king. "Yes; that is the odor of sanc tity," replied his majesty, with a meaning smile. Town Topics. AS PUNCH SHERMAN, THE POLITE UP TO DATE TOO. "Well, what's the matter now?" asked satan as the head imp ap proached. "Your majesty," replied the aid, "the man in No. 3729 objects to be ing on that tilting grid like the men w ho rocked the boat. He says he's up to date, he is. He says he's the man that wabbled the tan dem." "If that is the case" Satan evidently knew his ground. "take him to the redhot cactus room and have him scorch on a lava bed forever and eyer." New York Press. BITTER REFLECTIONS. He gazed at the tiny mite of hu manity that the angels had brought to his home. "One more mouth," he muttered gloomily No: he did not say "to feed," for he was not a story book working man. "to listen to." It was a giil. Cincinnati En quirer. NOT HIS Fai mer Timothy: "Them sofies. young man, may be all the style, but it would take a circus actor to lie' down in one of "em." HAVE TO GO ANNEXING. Chicago Inter Ocean. THINGS TO REMEMBER. When you get into your "knick ers" and go out to take a ride, With a haughty air you cannot quite conceal. If you see the girls all gazing, don't swell up and burst with pride Tours is not the only '97 wheel! When you think you've "picked a winner" in some "dark horse" at the track. Don't get rash and think you're going to own the earth. Keep a quarter in your pocket, for you'll find that walking back Is a thing completely destitute of mirth. When you don your bathing cos tume and go down to take a swim Where the ladies all can see you and adore. Don't imagine you will dazzle them until their eyes are dim "You are not the only pebble on the shore." New York Sunday Journal WHAT SHE HAD DONE. New Family Physician And now, my dear madam, if you will, briefly tell me what you have already done for your illness. Madam Europe and north Africa, Detroit Journal. INSTRUCTION OF YOUTH. Bobby Popper, how did "Sleep like a top" start? Mr. Ferry It is a mispronuncia tion. The original was "sleep like a cop." Cincinnati Enquirer., SEES HIM. LETTER WRITER. -Punch. WHAT HE PAID FOR. An English peer, for some offense, was called out by a politician and promptly responded to the chal lenge. On arriving at home again after the duel his lordship gave a guinea to the coachman who had driven him to and from the ground. The driver appears to have been an exceptionally honest, simple man. He was surprised by the largeness of the sum presented and said, "My lord, I only took you to" "Yes. yes, I know that, but the guinea is for bringing me back." Argo naut. A SURE ENOUGH IRISH HERO. An Irish otlicer who had the mis fortune to be dreadfully wounded in one of the battles in Holland was lying on the ground, and an unfor tunate soldier who was near him. and also severely wounded, made a terrible howling, when the officer exclaimed: "Hold yer row, will ye? Do you think there is nobody killed but yourself?" Tit-Bits. KIND. SV Mi SI Wj raf li i Jill iililllllliiiiliiiiiiiliiiiiy Last summer Gussie's clothes were dread , fully creased in the ordinary portman teau. THAT UNCLE SAM: A CHANGE. "She used to be so delicate before she took to the wheel." "Well, she's indelicate enough How." Detroit Journal. DO YOU DOUBT HIM7 "Oh, I don't know." Chicago Tribune. A GREAT IDEA. Cumso Tenspot is getting rich on a brilliant idea of his. Cawker What is it? Cumso He has copyrighted a marriage certificate with a transfer blank on the back, and he can't be gin to supply the Chicago demand. New York Truth. WILL -i cs C?" THE DAYS OF OLD, So this year he has adopted quite a new system of baggage. Yellow Book. ALASKAN LINE "SEEMS TO ME I SAW THAT THE BABY GRINS. I have a little baby girl. As healthy as can be: She lies upon her pillow white And makes a face at me. And if I'm tired with constant toil My daily bread to win. It always brightens up the load., To see that baby grin. She laughs at no specific joke. She laughs at no one's bid. But 'cause 'tis such a funny thing To be a little kid. No matter if I'm feeling blue And uglier than sin, I have to laugh it cheers me up To see that baby grin. She draws her mouth up corner ways And opes it far and wide. Displaying little rosy lips And toothless gums inside, A little slobber on her face And dimple on her chin. And 'twould make the sourest cynic laugh To see that baby grin. Joseph Bert Smiley In Chicago In ter Ocean. WHAT HE NEEDED. Mr. Woodware That young fel low you have in your office is the most conceited puppy I ever ran across. Mr. Queens-ware Yes, I know: but you must remember he is young as yet. and his character is not fully formed. He has never been tried by fire. Mr. Woodware Then you'd better fire him. New York Weekly. THEY COME - THE DAYS OF GOLD. THE DAYS FENCE. FENCE MOVE." St. Louis Republic. THE FINISHING TOUCH. "Just wait," said the man In the barber shop, "till the brush boy uets ready for the finishing touch." "You mean that he will complete your toilet?" "No. He'll get my last 10 cents Washington Star. A HELPING HAND. Philanthropy: "My wife is getting up a subscription for a bicycle for the pastor. What will you subscribe toward If" Philistine: "Well, you can put me down for the wind for the tires." New York World. POLLYSYLLABIC. "Pretty Polly"' said the lady "Can Polly talk?' "Polly." replied the Boston parrot, "can converse." Indianapolis Jour nal. AGAIN? OF FORTY-NINE!" ' dilcafo Trlb i ji imrtZMm vnr A" 'vjufiy IN GERMANY HOW HE CHANGES THE MOUNTING MERCURY. You may force down the thermom eter with all your might and main. You may crush It with a blizzard or a snowstorm or a rain. But, blame the thing. It travels back to 9S again. j So what's the use? r of the hold up. each apprehensive You may jam it down to zero, If you that a wreck had occunvd on the hang out lonfr enough. f nne In the vicinity. Mr. Hartwell. And curse and swear and bluster the paymaster, was the first to in like a pirate old and tough. ' quire of the man nearest him, a raw But pretty soon right back it comes .... boned recruit from Tlppcrary who dodgast the measly stuff "had not been in the service of the So what's the use? company more than a fortnight. "There's been no accident, yer hon- For mercury Is like to truth (it gives us all a pain). Though crushed ana trampled to tne &nrth 'fwill cnrAlv rlA fitrnln 'twill surely rise again. New York Telegram. PROFITLESS PECULATION. Downtrod Great joke on my wife! , Quizzer What Is It? Downtrod Robbed her own bloomers last night. New York Journal. THOSE DOCTORS. Doctor I treated Robblns for ap pendicitis and today he is a well man. Hawkins So I heard. What do you think was the matter with him? Town Topics. HE HARDLY "HI, KATY, HERE COMES ON THE KLONDIKE. "There's a lot of shootin goln on over there at Alaska Dick's saloon. . Are the boys havin fun with the tenderfoot that blowtd in laat ' night'" "Fun nuthin! The hoys is shoot- -in to win. They're fightin like hun- gry tigers over a raw onion they happened to se in that tenderfoot's - baggage." Chicago Tribune. HIS WAR RECORD. Jcems It's a wonder Old Soak wasn't killHl during the war. Deems Why eoT' Jeems He was half shot bo many times. Town Topics. g HER SUGGESTION. "Miss Ethel. I now see the oppor tunity I have long been looking for." "Then why don't you embrace it?" Brooklyn Life. HE CANNOT LET GO. Spain to Uncle Sam: "Won't you please give me a sood licklns. w HI hava a decent excuse for getting out of here?" New York Prtu V - ljy JTW m 3H1 T ., '- -; Z 7NTn Of?Cis ISLE A3 HE TRAVELS ABOUT. New York World. WHY PAT FLAGGED THE TRAIN A Gulf line special, filled with the 'officers of the road on a tour of In spection, was flagged by some men i working on a section near Colorado Springs. Shocked by the suddenness - of the stop, all of the olllccrs rushed to the rear platform, where the men were comrrecnted. to learn the cause or." said the Irishman. "I Jlst wanted to inoulre of yez whin the s pay car'Il b along." Argonaut, ' MEETING THE EMERGENCY. t They were sitting in the moonlight On an old stone wall, i And he put his arm around her That she might not fall. "George," she said to him qulto sternly. "You have quite a gall." ' "Many times I've had my arm there In a large dance hall. And you never once objected," Said he. "through it all." "But," she answered, "that v was different." "Well," he said, "we'll hire a hall." Fnct8 and Fiction. LOOKED IT. YER STEADY COMPANY !" New York Journal. AN UNFORTUNATE SLIP. The nw woman candidate tor govornewi ulappfd th tnble rudely. "Ladl&s," pile crlwl, "nvr will w submit to the hated domination of an inl-iior rare! Sever will w put on the yok'" A murmur of rmonntrance e!o trlflod th ac-mlly. A dJeicatM In the farthest part of th hall wa clamoring for a harlnK The p-ak-rcwi rappJ hmartly with bfr av olette. "What In the cau of this commotion "" ih dtrmamlwl. Th" Interrupter pr"t"d forward. "A hofshbor of mln." shf ald. "has JUKt rivl n letter from a friend In Part. LadJ" The Inoumnt u dramatic. "Yokes are to be worn ntxx. r aon'" Amid th? powerful Jrontra.tJon which frtlofeed thta 4xraiim th original spMkr was forest! w reiirv In discomfiture New York Pre. .J 1 -1 Lfr iflVZvH .--ttl. ir?