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The Empire County argus. [volume] (Coloma, El Dorado County, Cal.) 1853-1857, November 19, 1853, Image 1

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D. XV. GELAVIC'KS & co., Publishers.
VOLUME 1.
TUB EMPIRE COUNTY IRCfS.
JD. \Y. ijIVIC i‘I.S iS; Co.,
_ rum.isurcus ani> editotis.
Published every SATDUDAY at COLOMA, Coun
. ty seat of El Dorado County.
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AH for tlit* Tx'.st.
All’s for the best ! be sanguine and cheerful;
Trouble and sorrow arc friends in disguise ;
Folly alone goes faithless ami fearful;
Courage forever is happy and wise ;
All’s for the best —if men would but know it ;
Providence wishes us all to be blest;
This is no dream of pundit or poet;
lleavcn is gracious, and —all’s foi the best.
All for the best! sei this on your standard,
Soldier of sadness or pilgrim of love ,
Who to the shores of despair may l*ave wandered,
A way-wearied swallow, or heart stricken dove.
All for the host J be a man, but confiding ;
Providence tenderly governs the rest;
And the frail bark of His creature lie’s guiding,
Wisely and warily, all for the host.
ill for the best! then fling away terrors,
Meet all your foes and your fears in the van ;
And in the mubt of your dangers or errors,
Trust like a child, while you strive like a man.
All’s for the best! nubia? td, unbounded,
Providence reigns from the Fast to the West,
Vnd by wisd< »m ami in. rev surrounded,
ilOK and be happy, that all’s for the best.
ICON*
from the despatches of Sir Hudson Lowe, the
Gosrnor of St. Helena, we extract a few highly iu
teivsting passages. The publication of these de
sp'Cches is regarded in Europe as the literary event,
of he year, and the papers are filled with extracts
anl comments:
I1IS LAST ILLNESS.
•Having received an intimation front Capt. Pop- ;
phton, the orderly officer attached to Longwood
Jluse. that General Bonaparte had not been visible
th day before, but that either he or Dr. O'Meara j
vw ild certainly endeavor to see him in the course of j
tht evening, to be enabled to make his report as !
u-ial to me, I immediately repaired to Longwood,
harder "to prevent any unpleasant intrusion on him.
, hwever warranted by the instructions given to the
ojerly officer, which require that be should either
1 so General Bonaparte twice during the day, or as
tertain his being on the spot, and report according
ly 1 met General Montlmlon at the door of the
jf busc. asked bow General Bonaparte was, and, on
bing told he was indisposed and suffering, said 1
e vs®('d to offer him the assistancejif a niedical offi
» < be:;e- d liin, t... 1 ■ . ... tlcneml Bonaparte
aid acquaint him I was there, imagining, ns it who
* ater four o'clock, when lie usually received people,
( hi would probably See me. General Montholon
i rent in, and returned shortly afterwards, saying
tenoral Bonaparte would see mo. I passed through
r hs dining-room, in which were displayed a great
» lumber of maps and plans laid out on a table, and
sveral loose quires of writings, apparently memoirs
I ;ud extracts, and was then introduced into an inner
* tpartnient, with a small bod in it and a. couch, on
f- hich latter Bonaparte was reclining, having only
jig dressing-gown on. and without bis shoes, lie
nisod himself up a little as i entered the room, and
whiting out a chair to me close to the couch, de
iretl 1 would sit down. 1 seated myself and com
jeneed the conversation by saying 1 was sorry to
fjieicr he whs suffering front indi .position, and had
, june to offer him assistance of a medical officer of
1 Jsp' Ctabiiity who had come out with mo front
that he might have the benefit of bis ad
tticc as well as that of Dr. O'Meara should he re
quire it. 1 want no doctors,' was his reply. Ho
hen, after some indifferent questions, asked me
diet her the wife of .Sir George Bingham had ar
ivt*d '! She had not arrived, I replied; and 1 had
I pason to regret on another account the Adamant
hinsport had not yet come in, as she was laden with
ftvcral articles that might he useful to him. such as
■nes, clothes, furniture, &c. lie said it was all
■ing to the want of a chronometer; that it was a
ikerable piece of economy on the part of our Ad
, Ability not to give every vessel above two hundred
a chronometer —he had caused it to ho done in
f rabce; that, exclusive of the value of the ship,
le live s of the persons in it merited that consider*
l ion. I said they were not vessels employed under
el th.. Dlmirality, but of another
J«ird. This made no difference, lie said. After
Valne other general and unimportant questions, a
l*irt interval of silence ensued. He lay reclined
ui his couch, his eyes cast down, apparently suffer
iol a good deal from an oppression in his breathing
1del* had been particularly observable, so as to
an iccasionul interruption to his vhice whilst
discourse,) and his countenance unusuallys.il
«v, nud liven bloated, lie recovered himself after
ilittle while to ask me what was the situation of
. lirs in Fr ante at the time 1 left Europe j I said j
* erything, 1 believed, was settled there. Beauch
ii ip's ‘Campaign of 181T was lying on the floor
* ar him- He asked me it it was me who had
# itten the letters referred to in the Appendix to
j‘* work 1 replied, ‘Yes.' ‘1 recollect Marshal
J ucher at Lubee,’ ho said : ’is lie not very old V—
JBventy-fivo ycars,’ I replied, -hut still vigorous,
jHlci'ting himself on horseback for sixteen hours
lay, when eircumstanees rohder it necessary.'
M reflecting a few moments without any ohser-
Ivatioi. He resumed : ‘The A Hies have made a con-
Iventioh declaring me their prisoner : what do they
Inicftu t 'i'lTJ have not authority to do so (ni cu
ni en/n '■) I wish you to write to your gov-
and acquaint it I shall protest against it.
myself i*p to England, and to no other pow-
I el dt js an act of the British Parliament alone
, "lifc can warrant the proceedings against me. 1
h ijieen tjreated in a cruel manner. I misunder
st Ihe character of the English people, I should j
ha Arrjr ndered myself to the Emperor of Russia, ‘
wl my friend, or to the Emperor of Austria,
whcjts to mo. There is courage in put- {
t' m .,Mi»iiin to death, hut it is an act of cowardice to j
jfcvlanguish, and to poison him in so horrid an
TjJBFi'd * n 80 detestable a climate. I said the
'■ u iff 0 * Helena had never been regarded in |
thnF|ht ; that, except so far as related to the pro-!
THE EMPIRE CRUYTV ARttES.
COLOMA, EL DORADO COUNTY, CAL., SATURDAY MORNING, NOVEMBER 19, 1853.
cautions necessary for his personal security, it liad
been the desire of the British Government to render
his situation as comfortable as possible; that the
house, furniture and effects of every kind coinin'!;
out for his use, certainly indicated as much regard
03 it was possible to show him consistent with the
main object for which this place of residence had
been selected. 'Let them send me a coffin; a couple
of balls in the head is all that is necessary. What
i docs it signify to me whether I lie on a velvet couch
or on fustian ? I am a soldier, and accustomed to
i everything. I have been landed here like a convict,
and proclamations forbid the inhabitants to speak
to me —attributing a great deal of all this to the
Admiral: but concluded with saying, ‘It is not that
the Admiral is a bad man.’ The conversation then
turned on the localities of Longwood House. He
inveighed bitterly against it;, said he was excluded
from all communication with the inhabitants; that
many persons in the town would willingly come to
see him, but that they were afraid to ask for passes:
that he had no trees about him ; that this alone
rendered the spot detestable; that he could not ride
to any extent; that he wished to have a greater
range for his exercise without being accompanied
j by an officer; that unless I gave him a greater range
I could do nothing for him. I told him the range
of Longwood was greater than any other piece of
j ground on the island. He said perhaps so; but that
I there was the camp on part of it. He did not want
I to see the camp always; lie could not ride where
i that was. I le wished the people of the island might
be allowed to come and see him. He recurred ire-
I quently to the hardship there was in depriving him
( of all intercourse with them. His addresses tome
| on this point were humble and artful; they obtained
no assent from me. lie spoke of my having insist
ed on seeing bis servants; that it was a strange
thing to interfere between a man and his valet dc
chambre ; that personally seeing and examining the
servants after having received their declaration, was
as much as to say. ‘in good French, that they had
lied. - 1 told him ‘it was Count Bertrand's fault.
1 bad pointed out to him the way in which I intend
ed to receive their declaration; he wished it to §e
! otherwise ; but 1 had insisted upon receiving it in
the manner I had indicated - ‘Ah ! this is now
over,’ lie replied. He said lie would recommend to
the four who had signed their declaration to leave
him whenever he found his situation more precisely
defined, and should make application for their being
permitted to do so. He said, ‘Repeat everything 1
have mentioned to you to your Government. I wish
I them to know my sentiments.’ On going away, I
again offered him medical assistance. ‘1 want no
doctors,’ lie replied. These were the last words lie
addressed to me."
Eloquent Extract. —The following beautiful
comparison is from a lecture delivered at St. Louis,
by Thomas F. Meagher :
One fair morning towards the close of the sum
mer, I stood in a field that overlooked the Hudson.
1 was struck with the glowing ripeness of the fruit
which waved around me, and broke into an expres
sion of delight. It seemed to me the most glorious
that earth could bring forth.
“That seed,’’ said one who stood by, “ came from
Egypt. - ’
It has been buried in the tomb of kings—and
laid with the dead for three thousand years. But
though wrapped in shroud, and locked within the
pyramids, it dies not. It lived in the silence —lived
in the darkness —lived under that mighty mass of
stone —lived with death itself- —and now that the
dust of kings lias been disturbed—that they iiave
been called and moved not —that the bandages arc
moved and they open not their eyes, behold the seed
ghetli forth life, and the fields rejoice in its glory.
An<i »i.—• :» mat,me energies, the instinct, the
faith, and the vitalities which have been crushed
elsewhere—havo been entombed elsewhere—in these
virgin soils revive, and that which seemed mortal,
becomes imperishable. And thus it is, that even
hero the seed will multiply, and borne back to the
ancient land, will people the places that are deso
late; the wilderness shall bo made glad.
Children of the old world, be of good cheer!—
Whilst in the homes—by the Rhone, the Seine, the
Danube, and the Arno, the Shannon and the Suir
—in the homes you have left, the wicked seem to
prosper, and spurious Senates provide for the off
spring of the tyrant, even to the third and fourth
generation. Freedom strengthens herself in these
lands, and, in the midst of countless hosts, concen
trates the power t>y which the captive shall be re
deemed, and evil lords dethroned !
This shall bo the glory of America.”
Intervention' with a Vengeance.— One of the
London organs of English public opinion, Douglas
Jcrrold's paper, thus glorifies the position suddenly
taken by the American Navy represented by Cupt.
Ingraham of the corvette St. Louis, and supported
by John Brown, our charge in Constantinople. The
cheering which proceeds from our mother-land is a
welcome sound to American ears.
COCKCROW.
Whilst tho cock with lively <lin
Scatters l lie rear of darkness thin.— Milton.
JONATHAN AT SMYRNA.
Taper and Tadpole arc begining to see that Kos
suth's visit to America was not so great a failure as
they fancied. Time lias perhaps not come for the,
children of George Washington to interfere decis
ively in the affairs of Europe, but every year as it
elapses brings it nearer, and already the despotic
powers arc finding that in their hanging and scour
ging— their illegal arrests and their cowardly as
sassinations —they have to reckon with other men
than Austrian Aberdeen. The intervention at
Smyrna was noble and glorious. Kossuth’s officer.
M. Kosta, traveling about in Turkey like any other
gentleman, is suddenly arrested by order of the
Austrian consul. Fancy Count Collorado sending
off one of his hussars to St. John’s-wood to arrest
Kossuth! Fancy Kossuth in the hands of these
Austrian hussars, dragged like a felon through the j
public streets, forced down to London bridge, and !
there carried on board an Austrian brig! Would
not Englishmen, seeing such things done, rise up in j
their indignation and pull the Austrian embassy |
about the ambassador's cars 1 This is what has I
been done at Smyrna to M. Kosta, without, so far
as is known, a word of protest on the part of Eng- j
land. Thank heaven, however, there is no Austrian j
Aberdeen in Washington to arrest the generous im- 1
pulse the prompt interference—of the other half
of the Anglo-Saxon people. An American captain,
present at Smyrna when the illegal act was com
mitted, runs his corvette alongside the Austrian
brig, and demands the prisoner. The demand is
refused; and Jonathan sends word that lie shall
stand no nonsense, and if M. Kosta is not delivered
up to him in six hours he shall sink the brig. This
is a kind of language perfectly intelligible even to j
a Croat. Austria bad better not bring the Ameri
can navy down upon her little fleet; and if the Croat
likes to join the Cossack in his march on Constanti
nople, good and well; tho day of battle will have
come, and it will be France, England and America
—Poland, Italy and Hungary —light, liberty, and
civilization—against the black and blighting des
potism of the north.
OPPICI 2— BSLArn S2S.BET, COK.SIES. OP BRXBCtS.
From the French.
T!ie IIuliiji-Bnilitd Cousin.
Behold an extraordinary occurrence of the latter
days. If it were not an extraordinary occurrence,
one need not relate it.
A father of a family inhabiting the Rue de Mi
chodiere, received last summer, a letter from his
nephew, who was in the employ of Hyder Abad. —
The letter concluded thus :
‘ I have received the portraits of my two cousins,
Marie and Margaret. 1 have never had the pleas
ure of seeing them, as I have lived with Hyder
Abad since my youth, but I am sure that these two
portraits are resemblances. 1 will arrive at Havre,
by the ship logos Ego, about the first of October,
and on my return 1 am determined to nmrry the
beautiful Mar-—’
The breaking open of the letter had destroyed
the rest of the name. It is impossible to tell if the
cousin asked Marie or Margaret in marriage. The
two sisters, united previous to this time, have com
menced to live in misunderstandings, each of them
positive that it was the rest of her name that was
torn off in breaking the seal.
The father employed his eloquence in calming
the anger of his daughters, when a servant, sent in
advance, arrives from Havre, announcing that his
master went to Paris with the evening train.
The servant, overwhelmed with questions, replied
i that his master was ruined : and that he had, more
| over, the horrid protuberance which caused, ac
| cording to Palanudo, so many misfortunes to yEsop,
! the Phrygian.
The two cousins determined to remain single for
ever, before marrying a cousin, liump-backed and
ruined. ,
As they took this oath for the twentieth time in
twelve hours, the cousin arrives. The nnelo warm
ly embraced him : the cousins make a polite bow,
and turn away their eyes. The uncle then ex
plains the incident of the torn letter and asks the
intentions of his nephew.
‘ It is my cousin Marie whom I came to marry, ’
he replied.
‘Aever —never!’ screamed Marie, ‘I am con
tented with mv condition, and shall remain in it. ’
1 Mademoiselle, ’ said the nephew, ‘ 1 have adopt
ed the customs of the country where 1 have been
educated. Read the customs of Hyder Abad in
Travernier. There, when a young man is refused
in an offer of marriage, he withdraws himself from
society as a useless being. ’
‘ He kills himself! ’ exclaimed the good Marga
ret.
‘ He kills himself!’ replies the nephew, in the
tone of a man about to commit suicide.
‘ This poor cousin. ’ said Margaret, weeping, ‘to
conic from such a distance to die in the bosom of
his family. ’
‘ l know, said the nephew, ‘ that my deformity
affects the sight of women, but in time the eyes of
women become habituated to all things. I know,
also, that my commercial prospects arc not pros
perous. L’hrown very young into the diamond bu
siness, the only occupation of Hyder Abad, I lost
there all the fortune of my father, but I had acqui
red experience—1 am young active and industrious.
These are riches in themselves. ’
‘ Ves, yes, hump-backed and ruined, ’ muttered
Marie aside, in a bantering tone.
‘ Poor young man, ’ said Margaret, and she adds,
‘ my cousin, 1 am refused, and you pay no attention
to it. ’
‘ And by whom refused ? ’ enquired he.
‘ Rut to your cost, by you, since you prefer my
sister to mo. ’
‘ Eh bicn, ’ said he, will you accept me if I ask
you in marriage from my unele. ’
‘ 1 will engage my father to let my cousin live.’
‘What!’ exclaimed the hump-back, ‘do you
oonsont my lovely Margaret, to '
• Save the life of a relative. Indeed, I'll not wa
ver a moment. ’
‘ This is very well of my daughter,’ said the un
cle affected by the scene, ‘ Remonstrances have
not spoiled you I have a very small income, hut
1 ought not to abandon the son of my brother, in
misfortune. I will keep him here us a kindred, for
where there is enough for three, there is for four.'
The cousin throw himself at Margaret's feet say
ing :
• 1 on have saved the life of an unfortunate man.'
Marrie muttered to herself:
•My sister has courage. As for me, 1 would let
hump-hacked cousins die. ’
‘ 1 nclo,' said t.ie young man, ‘ allow me to make
a slight toilette before breakfast.’
Ho pressed Margaret's hand, bowed to Marie,
and left to change his attire,
The uncle and Ids daughters were at the table,
and awaited their guest.
The servant announced the cousin of Hyder Abad.
The two girls uttered two screams, but on differ
ent keys. They see enter a charming young man,
tall, without any humpback, who embraced Mar
garet, and placing before her a basket, says:
‘ Behold your marriage portion. ’
It was a basket of diamonds. It was, moreover,
the hump, which had thus arrived free ofduties.
‘ See what I hare carried on my shoulder,’ said
the cousin. ‘ from Bombay to IJayre, to offer it to
that one of my cousins who would accept me with
, my false poverty and feigned deformity. ’
There was great joy in the house, which, strange
f as it may seem, was participated in by Marie. It is
I true that Marie loved her sister dearly, without de
testing the diamonds.
Fashion—What Shi* Does— Fashion rules the
world, and a most tyranical mistress she is, compell
ing people to submit to the most inconvenient things
immaginahlc, for fashion's sake.
She pinches our feet with tight shoes, or chokes
us with a tight neckerchief, or squeezes the breath
out of our body by tight lacing.
She makes people sit up at night when they
ought to be in bed, and keeps them in bed in the
morning when they ought to bo up and doing.
She makes it vulgar to wait on ourselves, and
genteel to live idle and useless.
She makes people visit when they would rather
stay at home, cat when they arc not hungry, and
drink when they are not thirsty..
She invades our pleasure and interrupts our
business.
She compels people to dress gaily, whether upon
their property or that of others: whether agreeable
to the word of God or the direction of pride.
She ruins health and produces sickness, destroys
life and occasions death.
She makes foolish parents, invalids of children,
and servants of all.
She is a tormentor of conscience, dcspoilcrof mo
rality, and enemy of religion, and no one can bo
her companion and enjoy’either.
She is a despot of the highest grade, full of in
trigue nml cunning; and yet husbands, wives, fath
ers, mothers, sons, daughters, and servants, black
anil white, voluntarily have become her obedient
servants and slaves, and vie with one another to see
who shall he the most obsequious.
Somebody says the Mississippi lias raised one
foot. When it raises the other, it will probably
run.
VVe have rarely met with anything more exqui
sitely beautiful than the following :
The Sunbeam, Dew-drop and Rose. — A dew
drop hung trembling like a timid thing upon the
soft velvet leaf of n rose. It sparkled and flashed,
each time the breeze wooed the rose bud with myr
iads of brilliant hues, till it seemed as it a rainbow
had been imprisoned within its crystal bosom, and
was struggling to escape. Now the rose beheld its
beauty, and thought she had never seen so lovely a
creature: so she spoke to it gently, in a voice that
seemed like the essence of a summer wind.
‘•Beautiful dew-drop!” said the rose, “ I love you.
You are like the stars that I see looking down from
heaven on me when the wind wakens me at night;
but I love you more than I do them, for you are
near me, and they are far away. Come dwell with
me ever, sweet gem of the morning, and to thee
will I unlock all the fragrance of my bosom.”
The rose as she spoke unfolded her delicate leaves,
until the dew-drop beheld the crimson depths of her
heart glowing with love and passion.
Just then a sly sunbeam peeped out from behind
an embroidered cloud, and saw the dew-drop, which
was quivering with emotion at the declaration of
the rose.
“Heed not the foolish flower, sweet dew-drop!”
cried the sunbeam ; “ she would never love you as 1
can. Be mine, and I will bear thee up amongst the
highest stars of heaven, and when 1 look at thee
thou shalt outshine them all.”
The dew-drop was bewildered, and knew not what
to say. It would gladly have reigned in the golden
heavens, and been the queen of the stars, but it
feared the fierce ardor of the sunbeam ; and then
the rose kept whispering such sweet things to it
with its mossy lips, that it could not help loving its
gentle voice. So it thought a little, and then re
plied to the sunbeam thus:
“ O, golden sunbeam! who gazest et me with
thine eyes of splendor, thou art far too great for me
to lovo thee. What would I, a poor, timid dew
drop. do, wedded to such magnificence as thine !
At thy first embrace, I should melt away and van
ish like the morning mist upon the hills. But the
sweet rose I love dearly. Her kisses arc ladcned
with perfume, and from her bosom steals forth all
the fragrance of love. O fond and beautiful flower!
in thy rosy chalice I will dwell for ever and be
happy!”
So saying, the dew-drop slid gently down into
the glowing bosom of the rose, and nestled among
her velvet leaves.
Sensible dew-drop! well didst thou know that it
is not the love that dazzles most which brings the
greatest peace. The love of the sunbeam would
have been fatal to thee, while that of the rose gave
thee happiness and contentment. Love, like the
skylark, though sometimes soaring to heaven, still
builds its nest upon the earth !
“ By the Grace of God,
“ We, Nicolas I.,
“ Emperor and Autocrat of all the Russias and
Czar of Poland, &c., &c.,
“ Inform all people,
“ Be it known to our beloved and faithful subjects,
“ 'The defence of our faith lias always been the
sacred duty of our blessed ancestors, &e , &c.”
The above is part of the late extraordinary proc
lamation of the Emperor of Russia. Douglas Jer
rold thus paraphrases the 'document, in honest old
English:
“ If Turkey will concede the privileges—(she has
ever denied) —if she will respect those rights—(she
has never yet violated) —if, in fact, she will humble
herself in the dust, that our orthodox foot may step
from the neck of Abdel Mcdjid to the back of our
war-horse, why then —witli a few other matters du
ly conceded —we will again let mercy assert its
sway, and (for a little while) return the road we
came.
But if the infidel will not listen to reason, then
let him open his ears to shot and shells. The an
gel Michael will carry us to Constantinople, and
bestow upon us his angelic benediction at the altar
of St. Sophia! We have “full confidence in the
right hand of the Almighty " and the spears of our
Cossacks!
Blasphemy on a great scale is the privilege of
kings. Common men can oidy sin up to a common
mark ; hut there is no line to be kept by line im
perial. The Emperor Nicholas in the above atroc
ity blasphemes even like a pit of devils : pelting
heaven with his mockeries of justice and religion.
Ilis words are for peace, whilst his eye glistens
with the hope of blood; he protests against a love
of conquest, and bids his army —like a flight of car
rion birds —prepare to snuff the far off slaughter.
The Ottoman Porte hat “hound itself solemnly
to respect ” the privileges of its Christian subjects;
but such binding is not sufficient unless the mem
bers of the “orthodox subjects” be bound to the
Russian Autocrat. Allow and accept me as part
master in your dominions —(until such time as it
may suit me to become sole owner) —and l wil!
even now sheathe the sword and unload the gun.
Otherwise, God will fight for us; I have a tre
mendous park of artillery. God's angels will fight
for us: for I have hundreds of thousands in Rus
sian regimentals. Therefore, in the name of God,
and in the name of Him (whose generalissimo lam)
who came to bring peace and good-will to all men,
I will give Constantinople to my pious legions: and
your women to the converting tenderness of my or
thodox Cossacks.
And after this fashion Nicholas damns himself
10 everlasting infamy as*a colossal homieido ; a po
litico-military monster, threatening in the name of
orthodoxy; one hand flourishing a sword about the
bead of the Turk, and the other swinging a Greek
censor.
History will be loud in her denunciation of the
usurping tyrant; in the meanwhile, sixty-eight
pounders may be a little louder. In his present
campaign, Nicholas inust trust less to the holiness
of his cause than the weight of his artillery. As
suredly, not Nicholas by the grace of God ; but
Nicholas by the grace of Gun.
Rather. Cool. —A gentleman residing in a vil
lage not many miles from Exeter, New Hampshire,
finding that the dimunition of his woodpile contin
ued after his fires were out, lay awako one night in
order to obtain if possible some clue to the mystery.
At an hour when “all honest folks should be in
bed,” hearing an operator at work in the yard, he
cautiously raised his chamber window, and saw his
lazy brother trying to get a large log on his wheel
barrow.
“ You are a pretty fellow," said tho owner, “come
and steal my wood while 1 sleep.”
“ Yes," replied tho thief, 1 and I suppose you
would stay up tliero and see me break my hack
with lifting, before you'd offer to come and help
mo,”
It must be a gloomy moment to one who is
just leaving the world to think that no human being
lias been made the better for his existence ; and
that possibly thousands have been made worse, and
will continue to he more and more depraved long
after be shall cease to be a tenant of this earthly
abode
TER31S--S6 per Annum.
The Whole Story in a Nutshell.— The Alba
ny Knickerbocker , under the head of “Independence
and Progress, ” tells the whole story of our nation's
birth and greatness, and progress in the arts and
sciences, in a remarkably short paragraph fur a
theme so comprehensive. The style is rather racy,
but decidedly to the point:
“ It is seventy-seven years ago, to-uay, since Uu
clc Sam was born, and what an eventful seventy
seven years they have been. Seventy-seven years
ago the United States was a remote circumstance,
they now compose the second commercial nation in
the world. In three quarters of a century they
have revolutionized the world, built up an empire,
licked their mother, and fenced in a continent.
In less time than it took Mathuselah to get out ot
swaddling clothes, we have made more canals, ta
med more lightning, and harnessed more steam, and
at a greater cost in money than the whole revenues
of the world could have paid for, the day he got out
of his time. In seventy-five years we have not only
changed the politics of the earth, but its wearing
apparel —cotton shirts being as much the offspring
[ of the United States as ballot-boxes and Democra
| cy. Since the fourth of July, 1770. the whole world
I has been to school, and, what is better, has learned
more common sense than was taught in the previ
ous four thousand years. The problem of self-got -
ernment has been solved, and its truth made im
mortal as Washington or yellow corn. Its adapta
tion to all the wants of the most aspiring nation
has been made most signally manifest. Under its
harmonious working, a Republic has grown up in
an ordinary life time that would have taken any
other system of government a thousand years to
have brought about. Yes, in less time than it has
taken some green-house plants to arrive at maturity,
we have built a nation that has spread itself from
Alain to Alexico, from the Atlantic to the Pacific
a nation that has caught more whales, licked more
Mexicans, planted more telegraph posts, and owns
more steamboats, than any nation that has overliv
ed or ever will live. For all this, wc again say,
thank God, and praise Thomas Jefferson.''
Why People Drink. —Mr. A. drinks because
his Doctor has recommended him to take a little
suthin'.
Mr. IS. because his doctor ordered him not to and
he hates quackery.
Mr. C. takes a drop because he's wet.
Mr. D. because he's dry.
Mr. E. co.'ausc 1 e " elfl Om 'thing rising in his
stomach.
Mr. F. because he feels a kind of sinki ng in l.is
stomach.
Mr. G. because lie's going to sec a friend off to
Oregon.
Air. II. because he's got a friend come home from
California.
Air. I. because lie's so hot.
Air. J. because lie's so cold.
Air. K. because lie's got a pain in his head.
Air. L. becauso lie's got a pain in his stomach.
Air. Al. because he's got a pain in his side.
Air. N. because lie's got a pain in his back.
Mr. O. because he's got a pain in his chest.
Air. P. because he's got a pain all over him.
Air. Q. because he feels light and happy.
Air. It. because he feels heavy and miserable.
Mr. S. because lie's married.
Air. T. because he isn't.
Air. V. because lie likes to see his friends around
him.
Mr. W. because lie's got no friends, and enjoys a
i glass by himself.
Mr. X. because his uncle left him a legacy.
Air. Y. because his aunt cut him off with a shil
! lin S-
Air. Z. (we should be happy to inform our read
! ers what Air. Z's. reasons are for drinking, but on
! putting the question to him, he was founb to be too
drunk to answer.)
The Reason why Hrudder Dickson left the
Church. —Air. Dickson, a colored barber in one of
our large Now England towns was shaving one of
his customers one morning, when a conversation
occurred between them respecting Air. Dickson's
former connection with a colored church in that
place.
“ 1 believe you are connected with the church in
Elm Street, Air. Dickson." said the customer.
“ No sah, not at all. *’
“ What—are you not a member of the African
church ? ”
“ Not dis year, sah. ”
“ Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Diek
[ son ?—if I may be permitted to ask you.”
*' Why, I tell you, sah, " said Air. Dickson, strap
ping a concave razor on the palm of his hand ; "it
was just like dis —I jined that are church in good
faif. I gib ten dollars towards de stated preach ob
do gospill, de fuss year, and de church peopil all
call me Hrudder Dickson. De secondjyear my bu
siness not good, and I only gib live dollars. Dat
year the church peopil call me Air. Dickson. Dis
razor hurt you, sah ! ’’
“Oh, no. ”
“ Well, sah, de third year I feel very poor —sick-
ness in my family-—and I didn't gib noffin fur de
preachin. Well, sah, arter dat dey all call me olo
nigger Dickson, and so I leff ’em. ”
So saying, Air. Dickson brushed his customer's
hair, and the gentleman departed, well satisfied
with the reason why Air. Dickson left the church.
fii®“A Speaker at a temperance meeting used
this strong figure : “ Like the fabled animal of warm
countries, which cools his victim with his wings
whilst he draws from his veins the last drop of his
blood, aleohal kills the drunkard whilst gratifying
his appetite. ”
foy- “ Mrs. Smith, do you know where the de
fendant can be found ! ”
“ No sir. I’m not his keeper, and never expect
to be.”'
“ That may all very well be, but the Court is not
quite satisfied that he isn't yours. Again 1 enquire
do you know where the defendant can be found. ’’
“ No sir-ree. ’’
Recess for fifteen minutes, to give Airs. Smith
time to “ cool off. ”
“A young man, a member of an evangelical
church," advertises in a New York paper for board
“in a pious family whero his Christian example
would bo considered a compensation. Who will
open the door for this pious youth !
“ Sir, ” said a little blustering man to his
religious opponent, “ I say, sir, to what sect do you
think I belong ? ” “ Well. I don’t exactly know. ”
replied the other, “but to judge from your make,
size and appearance, I should say you belonged to
a class called the Insect. ”
ttejy- The richest genius, like the most fertile soil,
when uncultivated, shoots up into the rankest
weeds; and instead of vines and olives for the pleas
ure and use of man, produces to its slothful owner
the most abundant crop of poisons.
He who giveS himself airs of importance exhibits
the credential!! of impotence.
NUMBER 1.

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