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YOLIJME 1. THE EMPIRE HIM MGUS. D. W. GELW1CK8 Co., PUBLISHERS AND EDITORS. Published every SATURDAY at COLOMA, Coun ty seat of El Dorado County. One year, invariably in advance $6,00 Six months, “ “ $4,00 Three months, “ $2,50 Single Copies 25 RATES OF ADVERTISING —TEN LINES OR LESS MAKE A SQUARE One square, first insertion $3,00 Every subsequent insertion $1,50 One square three months 15,00 “ “ six months 25,00 “ ono year 40,q0 One-quarter column three months 25,00 “ “ “ six months 35,00 “ “ “ one year 50,00 Ono-half column throe months 40,00 “ “ six months 00 “ “ one year ..100,00 VT All communications, whether on business or intended for publication, should be addressed, post-paid, to D. W. GELYVJCKS& CO. For the Argus. California. BY C. A. HUMASON. Laud not to mo the Eastern shore — The joys or beauties there ; For I have known that land of yoro, And this I find more fair. IIo! yo who knelt the Goddess’ shrine And ne’er with smiles were blest, Forsuke tho East, and cross the brine To the land of the merry West. Oh California ! that wild word The light of hope imparts: It breaks the galling iron cord Despair hinds on the heart. I love her high and haughty towers, Whoso summits pierce the sky : I love her lowly fragrant bowers, Where soft, smooth zephyrs sigh. I love her rough and rugged peaks, Where Storm Kings make their throne, And Eagles pause to whet their beaks, And whirl-winds make thcii moan. I love the brook that nimbly leaps The rock-ribbed mountain side. Where languid lillies seem to weep, And roses blush in pride. I love her pines, those gallant trees — Her oaks of giant form, That woo the soft and timid breeze And wrestle with the storm. I love her vales that richly yield Reward to ploughman’s toil ; The streams that flow by barley fields, And sport with the muiden soil. In Spring I’ve walked her flower gem'd green To pluck the rich bouquettc— Of all the flowers of earth, I ween, Are none so fair as thev. I’ve heard the song ofinountnin birds At morn—at noon—at even ; And sweeter notos were never heard, Beneath the groves of heaven. I love her wild and deep ravines ; Her every feature bold : I love her mild and tranquil scenes. And Oh ! I love her gold ! There’s music in the rattling noiso That swells the long-tom’s dm, And jovial jokes of jolly boys, Whilo throwing gravel in. What though we’ve no magician’s hand, To turn the unmoved sod ! The spade shall be our “ magic wand,” The pick “ divining rod.” What though we’ve felt the blighting wo Of Madam Fortune’s frown 1 She’s piles of yellow gold, below, So let us all (lift dawn. We’ll find the slate-bound chest sho hid, With richly burden’d shelves, And, with our picks we’ll pick the lid— “ Lay hold” and “ help ourselves.” WEBSTER AND CLAY. The following parallel between these two eminent statesmen is copied from a sermon on the death of Mr. Webster, delivered at Wheeling, Va., by the Rev.George W. Webster. This contrasted sketch of the two great chrfVacters will, we think, strike the reader as equally just in the conception and felic itous in the expression : It is doing no injustice to others, and ample justice to Mr. Clay, to say that he was next to Air. Web ster. lie is the only man among his compeers with whom wc can compare Air. Webster. They were the two greatest statesmen and orators of their time. And how does Air. Webster compare with the next . greatest man of America during the last half centu ry ; I wish to do justice to them both. At least I am not conscious of any desire to exalt one by the depreciation of the other. Roth were great enough, nnd their spheres of greatness will be better appre hended by a legitimate comparison of them. These two great men lived together, and died together. All that is mortal of them (and it is not much,) is now no more. “ How little is there of the great and good which can die !'’ On all ordinary occasions, Air. Clay was the grea ter orator of the two. I le had more ready resources; was more easily kindled and called out; had more versatility: was more engaging nnd influential on the instant; had the better command of words, the more fluent eloquence, and the more musical voice. But when the great crisis had come, when tremen dous issues pended, when others were used up with excitement and overcome with the exigency of the moment, then Air. Webster's oratory rose above that of Air. Clay's. Air. Clay was so ardent and ready, that he sometimes spoke at random, wasted words, and weakened his influence, but Air. Webster never, lie was remarkable, on the other hand, for his coolness and deliberation throughout the most 6tormy debates which he witnessed, and in which he participated. He would sit and sit, for days and days, as mute as a stone. No most personal and in sulting allusion could provoke him to his feet, no challenge tempt him to stir. l ? o sat and heard the wr. Jigle through and through, until the nation was astonished at his patience, or vexed with his tardi ness. He waits tdl ho is needed ; till he can “ see the end from the beginning, ’’ and speak to some purpose ; till others are exhausted, baffled, humbled, and willing to be instruoted; till the waves of strife run so high, that no one else can command his thoughts, or keep his temper. Then it was that he would rise truly like a god, serene and self-possessed, and make one of those masterly statements of the question at issue which brought light out of dark ness, and harmony from confusion, and go on with one of those thrilling appeals and stupendous argu ments which both triumphed at the time, aud will live as enduring literary monuments. Here Air. Clay failed. His speeches do not read so well, do not stand so proudly on the literary page, are not so compacted and solidified with sterling thought, chaste and classic ornament, the oreticaoal accuracy, proportion and finish, and log ical precision, arrangement and construction, as are Mr. Webster's, whoso choice of words, rhetorical method, and general style have becomo the ac knowledge models of our language. Ho has dono more for the Knglish language, to brinj; out its pow er, fix its idioms, and make it neat, precise and grace ful, as well as stately, massive and sonorous, than any other man, with, peYhaps, the exception of Burke, since the days of Milton and Shakespeare. Hi» orations are to the prosaic what their wntings THE EMPIRE EOIATV AMES. COLOMA, EL DORADO COUNTY, CAL., SATURDAY MORNING, DECEMBER 24, 1853. arc to the poetic capacities of tlic language. They contain sentences, periods and paragraphs that arc unrivaled in the world's literature. In this respect, Mr. Clay cannot even come into the comparison. Speaking generally of the two men, and allowing sufficient scope for rhetoric, Mr. Clay was the more active and prevailed hy what ho did; Mr. Webster the more passive, prevailing by what he urns. The former was more fruitful in expedients, the latter more rooted and grounded in principles; one had the quicker insight, the other the larger under standing. In his person and manner, Mr. Clay had a courtly grace and urbanity-; Mr. Webster a stately distance and dignity. One could move to the better advantage, the other stand with the greatest effect ; one could converse charmingly with everybody, at all times, and on all topics; the other was acceptable without words, knew the pow er of judicious silence, and made his few words go a great ways ; one gained the more warm and nu merous friendships, the other was held in the more universal and profound respect. In their methods of influence, Mr. Clay was the more vehement, Mr. Webster had the greater momentum; one skirmished, the other besieged ; one captivated, the other convinced ; one charmed, the other awed ; one influenced more on the spot and at the moment, the other was felt more in the distance, through a long time, and over a greater space. In the order of their influence and useful ness as statesmen and guardians of their- country's welfare, Mr. Webster may be said to have begun where Mr. Clay left off. The latter ruled the floors of Congress almost entirely in fair weather, and the former sat by and gave a silent consent ; but when the helm was wrested from Mr. Clay's hand by too big a surge for his strength, then Mr. Web ster took it and rode out the storm. From the Times and Transcript, Signs of (lie Times. In a recent issue we noticed some prominent fea tures in the position of California, and viewed the Pacific ocean as a barrier to the western current of the emigration of the human race. It is not that an ocean is any hindrance to man's movements, on the contrary, in modern days it is rather a facility —but that the opposite shores of this our sea are peopled by the earlier nations embracing the vast majority of the population of the earth, and so dense ly inhabited as to offer but little invitation to tho people of a modern cast of civilization to migrate thither. Then from this point westward, though “ the star of empire' - may hold its sway, the migra tion of this continent will be in another course. In human history, empire, power, culture and do minion have been moving steadily to the west for many centuries, and it is true also that another feature has always been prominent in the great changes of society, which is 'worthy of notice in this country, especially at the present time. It is that the nations of the more southerly margins of civili zation, after ripening for decay, have been swept from their seats of power, driven from their thrones of influence and swallowed up in the tide of strength which has poured upon them from tho north. Greece, Carthage, and Home were exam ples of this truth. The elements of decay no sooner begin to show themselves in the sunny regions, than some northern current sets in for the work of revo lution. Look at Turkey and Russia at the present time, and trace back through history, and it will be seen that some law or rule of destiny has governed the prominent movements of dominion with a re markable uniformity. When we look carefully into this subject we will readily perceive the tendency of events on our own hemisphere. Decay seems to sit in mournful si lence upon tho turrets of the Aztec, and a ruinious lethargy throughout the half-Spanish, lialf-barba rous States of Central and South America, invites the bolder cupidity of the Northmen to strike for new fields of wealth and new promise of empire.— “Manifest destiny,” “Ocean-bound Republic,” “En larged area of Freedom,” and “ Spread of Republi can institutions," are apt words, which, with all the flippancy given to them by the careless and unob servant, are still full of weighty meaning to those who feel the beatings of the popular pulse. To the South the eye is turned by the young men of North America who, with a liberal or common school education as their sojp patrimony, hid fare well to home for the campaign of life. Who hears of people moving to tho North ? Who dreams of peopling and organizing new State in the frigid zone ? If fortunes are to be made, power acquired, character established, and position secured, whither do men turn? First West, then to the South. It is plain that the expansive clement in the energies and enterprise of the people of the United States is only augmented by the enlargement of the field over which they act. We have already history enough to prove the settled tendency of this ele ment. We have already seen enough to apprehend the free exercise of individual will of citizens in the new movements of our people The table lands of Texas, and her low lands bordering the Gulf, are now no nearer forming a boundary to the ambition of the cotton and sugar grower of the more easterly States, than the gold fields of California, and her rich land in the valleys can fix a limit to the desire of gain and the appetite for adventure, which are stamped on the character of her bold people. The valleys of Sonora arc at this moment yield ing to the plow of our German citizens. Lower California is opening to view, through a recent movement of North American emigrants. The Me silla valley is covered by a disputed title, and the villages and towns all along tho northern tier of Mexican Departments are inhabited by increasing numbers of citizens from “ the States.” But tho encroachment of border interests is not rapid enough for the compassing ideas of the north ern republicans, and peaceful associations are al ready formed for colonizing, cultivating, developing and occupying, the exuberant valleys of the Ama zon. To the steady, sober-minded, and thinking por tions of our people, these facts lead to many enqui ries involving grave questions of political ethics.— We hear the “Fillibuster” denounced, tho “mani fest destiny man” ridiculed, and the doctrine of “ extension of the area of Anglo-Saxon freedom - ’ pronounced piratical. The poor Indian of our own older territory sinks under tho resistless weight of Saxon and Norman civilization, and his murmurs scarcely reach the capitol. His natural silence seems to facilitate his doom. He vanishes unheard and unremembered, almost with mysterious rapidity from the face of the earth, whilst the white man who plows his hunting grounds knows scarcely how ho was ejected. There is a power at work in all these movements which is but little understood. Tho influences which spread tho Roman legions through the woods of Europe, sprung from a military ambition and a lust of empire, and the eagles of tho empire wero spread by tho will of the patrician alone. Tho fear ful reaction which swept the villas mid wealth of Rome from existence, as with tho besom of destruc tion, had its origin in the vengeful bosom of Alario and Atila. The dominion of Britain in Asia was the offspring of the lust for gold and diamonds, which prompted OFFICE—BXAXSr STREET, CORIVER OF ERIDGE. her aristocracy to foster fleets, and furnish troops for that system of tyranny and cruelty which put even her own parliament to shame. But in the United States every man is a patrician —every citizen is a nobleman —every soldier is a citizen. Generals spring from the ranks, senators from the workshops, presidents from log cabins, and governors from the printing offices. The common schools make intelligence and learning a common property of which eacli citizen has a share, and in dividual poweris an all-pervading element among the people. This Individualism is a wonderful feature in the character of our nation. If you form a regiment of troops, you find men in every platoon fit to manoeu vre the regiment. If you call a town meeting, ev ery man present is competent to preside, and decide all questions of order by parliamentary rule. The most jealous vigilance of government cannot curb the enterprise of such people. One thousand Amer ican troops, well equipped, are physically equal to five thousand of the southern races —and if placed in the heart of South America, with military stores and provisions, could exercise an influence that would secure permanent dominion over a vast ter ritory. A thousand young men can leave any con gressional district without their absence being felt among their neighbors. Here then you have tin? germ of a new Republic, and this feature is becom ing so prominent that the settlement in territory already explored, laid off in qnarter sections and taxed, is too tame for the free spirit of the western woodsman, or the enterprise of the eastern pedlar of patents. Looking at things as they are, taking the world as we find it—we can see but one main result, that until Cape Horn and all the real estate between it and Baffin's Bay are brought under the dominion of the New York system of public schools, and the presbyteries, synods, conventions, dioceses, confer ences, legislatures, and road taxes of the States, our people will not be satisfied. As annalists and journalists rre need not dictate terms to such a people: we disclaim “ Fillibuster ism,” and we hold to the observance of treaties, but we will never blame a man for saving the life of his fellow-citizen, even though he may have been imprudent enough to jeopardize it on a foreign soil, and it cannot be deemed a crime to settle in an un inhabited country, or even in one which is full of natural resources where a sparse population from their semi-barbarous indolence, ignorance and inactivity give no promise of developing those re sources either for their own benefit or for that of mankind. Fertile valleys and mineral hills cannot lie in idle neglect when railroads, reaping machines, and steamships are running around them and over them, and as the area of these improvements is, by rapid strides extending, necessity will demand that the people who are brought within their influence must awake to a full appreciation of their advantages and produce a sufficient return from the natural re sources of the countries they inhabit. This is a du ty of modern civilization, and all people, who, from stuhborncss or dullness resist the legitimate pro gress of these improvements must give place to those who will labor for the common welfare and advancement of man. [Translated from the Siecle of Oct. 4 ] Tlic United State* mid Europe. There is a party in the United States, still pow erful, though it has lost much of its power, which holds for doctrine that isolation, abstention and im passibility ought to bo the immutable basis of Amer ican policy on all questions in which the interests of the Union are not directly atfcctcd by the acts of the governments of the old world. This Doliey being indefensible by any arguments drawn from reason, honor, or morality, however understood, those who profess a faith in it, endeavor to justify their creed by the authority of precedents; and slander the memory of tho father of his country, by qualifying as the Washingtonian system a line of conduct which can only be understood as the result of egotism— and what is worse, miscalculating egotism. The constantly increasing facility and rapidity of communication have so closely united the nations of the earth and blended their interests, that the pre tension to isolation is henceforth a species of attack on the rights of civilization. In all that regards the internal life of nations, there should be no interfe rence of one with another under pain of annihila ting the principles of nationality and sovereignty; but no nation lives entirely at home, nor on the pro ducts of its own soil and industry. There is an im perious necessity for exchange, material and spirit ual. Hence arises the policy of commerce and of kindred sympathies, which leads direct to another and greater —that founded on principles. This pol icy is to be handled discreetly, but handled it must be, unguarded principles being exposed to defeat more or less durable at some time or another ****** A document long secret, but a copy of which was accidentally found some time since in a bundle of old papers, clearly proves that in Europe at least, there is one nation which desires the subjugation •and partition of the United States. In 1817, a Rus sian minister, M. l’ozzo ui Borgo, proposed to re establish Spain's dominion in South America, and to subdue the United States. “ The Republic of the United States, -! he said, “ founded on the principle of popular sovereignty, is a hot-bed, by daily con tact with which Europe is menaced with conflagra tion. The United States are an asylum for innova tors of every kind, who, by the influence of their writings and example, disseminate a poison, the po tent effects of which we cannot be ignorant of. knowing as all do that it was the United States which gave birth to tho French revolution. Alrea dy,'' adds that celebrated diplomatist, " we feel the mischievous effects of the presence tlicro of the French refugees.” Undoubtedly the height of power attained by the United States within the last thirty-six years, im parts a tinge of the ridioulous to this project of M. l’ozzo di Borgo ; but that which Russia did not. and will never attempt by force, may she not practice it —at least try it—by tortuous paths? There are events which we, feeling ns Frenchmen, desire to believe impossible, but which it will be sought—-which it is now sought—to realize. Rus sia and Austria are manifestly agreed to profit by the feebleness of Turkey. Prussia, influenced by her desire to behold Austria become less and less a German power, would offer no opposition to a coa lition, which would be, nevertheless, first fatal to her before all tho rest of Europe. It would assuredly not be on the day succeeding her installation at Constantinople, that Russia would be mistress of a powerful fleet, nor send a great army by land to seize upon Syria and Egypt, and another to secure the Persian route to India. But onco established upon tho shores of the Bos phorus, the consequence of her presence there would be fatal: they might, at best, be delayed, but it would be puerilo to dissimilate that from that day Russia would govern Europe, nnd step by step erad icate the last traces of civil and religious liberty. At first, amid these conflicts, the United States would remain untouched; the autocrat might even address very lino compliments to them, but he would shut up the Isthmus of Suez, the free transit of which becomes every day more necessary, to ena- Lie them to gather the full benefit of their actual and prospective relations with India and China, and to develop their establishments in the Pacific.— Without dwelling, therefore, upon the dishonor wliicji must devolve upon Americans, if they, the sons of Europe, with arms so young and powerful, crossed upon their breasts, should behold their moth er-country struggling to stay the triumphant flight of civil and religious despotism, —every interest, present and future, of the United States is vitally concerned in the issue of the Eastern difficulties. We fear net to affirm, by his venerable memory, that, if Washington lived, he would unhesitatingly cast the sword of free America into the balance where the rights of nationality are now weighed. It is calumnious of that hero of patriotism, of vir tue, and self-abnegation, to praise him for having, in 1793, erected a national egotism into system, when he only acted in obedience to a necessity ap parent to his reason, and in spite of the paiuful murmurs of his heart. Recall in fact the situation of Franco, attacked by the most powerful of coalitions; and that of the United States, inhabited by three millions of people, barely established in the possession of liberty: with finances exhausted; with the wreck of an army which had sought to make its chief a king: divided by hostile parties which it would have baffled the | constancy and wisdom of any other than Washing ton to reconcile. The great man, for whom our army most appropriately put on mourning, did not, under such circumstances, seek to develop theories pretending to immutability —he nobly and simply stopped short at what was possible. On the 10th of June, 1704, he ordered Mr. Mon roe, then Minister of the United States in France, to declare to the Government of the Republic, that the steady good wishes of the American Union were for the success of the French Revolution ; and that he, Washington, was personally incapable of re cognizcng in any foreign prince the right of inter ference with our internal affairs. A few months later, he instructed Mr. Jay, American Minister in London, to sound the Ambassadors of the secondary maritime powers on the possibility of an alliance in defence ot the principle of armed neutrality—an al liance which would have been of decisive assistance to France; and which England prevented by con cluding with the United States a treaty, which she evaded, and then so manifestly violated as to cause, in 1813, the war with the United States. Hut the following is the most decisive on the subject of alli ances : In 1797, a project of alliance was formed between the Union, England, and .South America, to liberate the latter from the dominion of Spain. Washing ton, who had retired into private life, consented to place himself at the head of the American army, and gave the second command to General Hamilton. It was not, therefore, his opinion that America should refuse, when the rights of nationalities were involved, to enter into alliance with Europe. That which lie did discountenance most peremptorily, were offensive and defensive alliances without di rect or specific object. The rest lie left to time and the prudence of his countrymen. This idea is well convoyed in the celebrated farewell address, in which he recommends his countrymen to make no treaties, even in matters of commerce, which might not be amended or abandoned after a time, in order to profit by the suggestions of experience and al tered times. And have they not altered ! Can the United States, which, sixty years ago, had but three millions ofinhabitants, and now counts twen ty-three, hesitate to do, in the measure of its actu al strength, that which Washington resolved or at tempted to do, according to the forces of his epoch 1 A nation with an armed and exercised militia of one million—with more ships and seamen than Eng land herself-—abounding in gold, and labor—which is wealth far more precious than gold—can such a nation be excused, if she seek to seclude herself in ungrateful self-consideration, in face of a policy which France combatted when it was sought to be applied to America 1 It is not probable —it is not possible. General Pierce, the choice of the Demo cratic party, in his message of the 2d Dec., will clear away from W ashington's true policy the clouds with which it has been studiously obscured ; the rights of nationality will count another champion ; and the world will see an alliance, truly Holy, bear ing on its banners the words, the pledge of victory —“ Moral and Material Progress: Political and Re ligious Liberty ; Respect for Nationalities ” A Litter ok Them. —It is not many years since a simple-minded, unsophisticated young man, born, and raised iuan interior district of Kentucky, yield ed to his ‘manifest destiny' and took unto himself a companion for life, in other words, he married. In the course of time a legitimate result followed; and one day at meridian, just as our hero had re turned from his morning labors in the field, and di vested of his hat and coat, was preparing for a cool ing application of water to his heated face and hands, a pair of female arms were suddenly thrown around his neck, nearly strangling him in the act, whilst the cracked voice of his old grandmother in formed him that he was -a father.’ A loud whoop and various extravagant cavortings and jumps evin ced young Manny's joy at the announcement, .lust then, another pair of arms seized him —those of his mother —and the ominous words, ‘another boy,’ were whispered in his ear. ‘Twins!’ exclaimed our lord of creation, suddenly sobering down. ‘Vos, twins!’ ‘By golly, that's coming it rather strong the first time! - exclaimed the father, becoming more and more serious and hanging out, on his counte nance, signs of incipient alarm. Here the door of the mysterious chamber again opened; a burly female form rushed out; another pair of fat, red female arms were extended; the whole mighty mass of flesh came rolling towards the ‘head of the family.’ He drew back, doubt and i fear painted on his features. The human avalanche —it was that awful personage, the nurse —cornered our hero, despite his desperate efforts to get free, j and folding him in a bear-like hug, cried out in an exultant tone: ‘Another boy!’ •Another!’ exclaimed the Kentuckian, his eyes starting out of their sockets, his lower jaw drooping, and the draps of perspiration rolling down his pale face : ‘Another! By golly, thar'll be a whole litter of cm! Good bye, folks, I'm oft' from this place sure!’ And at the word he sprang over the piazza rail ing, batless, coatless, dinnerless and unwashed, and at the next moment was seen going through the corn field at a -quarter heat’ pace, his long yellow hair streaming iu the wind, and every muscle and nerve evidently strained to the utmost to put ‘tracks' between him and his new enemies. Hie last seen of him he was bounding into the woods like a young deer with the hounds close at his heels. It is a fact, a fixed one too, that the three boys have grown up to manhood, and are comfortably settled in life; but they never have seen or heard since, of the man who ran away from a litter of babies. — Ntw York Picayune. The head of the Chinese rebellion is extremely iudignant with the conduct of the comet w’ho has lately been rushing about his dominions. He has dispatched a near relation of the moon's to arrest him in his flight, and, wherever he may find him, instantly to cut off his talo. TERMS-$6 per Annum American State Papers.— The London News pays the following handsome compliment to Ameri can statesmanship: From the time of Alexander Hamilton to that of Edward Everett, the reports and correspondence sent out by Congressional Committees and Heads of De partments have been of such singular merit as to fix the attention of society in Europe, wherever the English language is familiarly read. The wonder is less, to persons familiar with the structure and workings of the American Government, than to those who know only European ways. The states men at Washington arc usually educated gentlemen and men of business at once—usually professional men, who yet have had occasion in the course of their lives, to do with their own hands much of the real business of life ; and there is nothing like that sort of experience, when combined with a liberal education, for enabling men to take and express sound and clear views of political subjects. Web ster used to say that he did his business all the better for having taken his father's horse to water, before he went to College; and Clay boasted of his manual toils as one of the chief preparations of his statesmanship. Chosen from among the people, the great officers of Government know how to ad dress the popular miud - and tire popular mind in America, when dispassionate, is a mind of hhdi order. Mrs. Partington ox Diseases — - M Diseases is very various,” said Mrs. Partington, as she returned from a street door conversation with Dr. Bolds.- - “ The doctor tells me that the poor old Mrs. Haze has got two buckles on her lungs ! It is dreadful to think of, I declare. The disease is so various ! one day we hear of people’s dying of hermitage of the lungs, another of brown creatures; hero they tell us of the elementary canal being out of order, there about the tenor of the throat: here we hear of the neurology in the head, and there of an emargo; on one side of us w r e hear of men being killed by getting a pound of beef in his sarcofogus, and there another kills himself by discovering his jocular vein. Things change so, that I declare"that I don t know how to subscribe for any disease now adays. ISew names and nostrils take the place of the old, and I might as well throw my old varb ba lr away.’ v ° A passing traveler in the back woods met with a settler near a house, and inquired : ‘Whose house V ‘Mogs.’ ‘Of what built V ‘Logs.’ ‘Any neighbors V ‘Frogs.’ ‘What is the soil ?’ ‘Bogs.’ ‘The climate V ‘Fogs.' ‘Your diet 1' •Hogs.’ ‘How do you catch them V ‘Dogs.’ \ ote for Him. —Lewis, the fun-loving editor of the N. M. Union, says an exchange, is a candidate j for tho Legislature. In the last number of his pa i per he published a circular to his fellow-citizens of ! eight columns. Whereupon he says: It may be asked why I write so long a circular. | anecdote will illustrate my answer. Once upon I a time, an old lady sent her grandson out to set a I turkey. On his return the following dialogue took i place : ‘Sammy, have you set her V ‘Yes, grandma.’ ‘Fixed the nest all up nicely !’ ‘Mighty fine, grandma.’ ‘How many eggs did you put under her V ‘One hundred and twenty, grandma.’ by, Sammy ! \\ hat did you put so many un der her for V ‘Grandma, I wanted to see her spread herself!’ j My opponents will pitch into this circular —hope j they will have a good time in making a largo per centage off of it. A short one would be as much as they could get over, but I want to see them spread themselves. ife,' said the victim of a jealous rib one day, 'I intend to go to camp-meeting on Tuesday evening, to see the camp break up.' •And I think you wont,' replied she. i ‘I'll go if I see fit!’ j ‘You'll see Jit* if you do go !’ He did not go—probably on account of the rain. The late Rev. Sidney Smith observed that a rail way whistle seemed to him to bo something like the scream an attorney would give when first the devil caught hold of him. ‘John, what is a gentleman ?’ ‘Stub toe boots, short tail coat, high shirt Collar, and tight pants.’ ■What is the chief end of a gentleman ?’ ‘His coat tail.’ ‘\\ hat is the work of a gentleman V ‘To borrow money, to cat large dinners, to go to the opera, and to petition for an office.’ ‘W hat is the first duty of a gentleman to him self ?’ ‘To buy a pair of plaid pantaloons and to raise a huge pair of whiskers.’ A Note on Noses.— It was Napoleon who said: “ Strange as it may appear, when I want any good head work done, 1 choose a man, provided his edu cation has been suitable, with a long nose. His breathing is bold and free, and his brain, as well as his lungs and heart, cool and clear. In my obser vations of men, 1 have almost invariably found a long nose and head go together.'’ Haunted Houses. —Houses that keep a half dozen good-looking servant girls. The spirits man ifest their prcseuce after midnight, by certain muffled raps on the kitchen door. To cxorcice them, chain a dog near the garden gate. A country surgeon, who was bald, was on a visit to a friend's house whose servant wore a wig. After bantering with him a considerable time, the doctor said : “You see how bald I am, and vet I don't wear a wig” “True, sir,” replied the servant, “but an empty barn requires no thatch.” A modern writer has discovered that the human hair is a vegetable. Ho does not say how it should be cooked. Rut it should bo frizzled in oil. of course. The following is a copy of a bill posted on the wall of a country village : “ A lecture on total ab stinence will be delivered in the open air , and a collection will be made at the door to defray ex penses.” The man who was “struck by a remark” had his skull fractured. It is bis intention to bring an ac tiou for assault and battery. NUMBER 0.