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THE TIME TO LAUGH.
SOME GOOD JOKES. ORIGINAL AND SELECTED. Tb Suburbanite moil the BugUi Definition of - Indian Bnmmer ?ben Women Other So-, e Juvenile Joka- leta. BCBGLABS AGAIX. The wife of a respected citiaen of Evanston woke up the other night, and pinching her husband's arm, whis pered: "William! William! Get up quick! There are burglars downstairs. Lis ten!" William sat up and listened. There was a racket as of somebody falling over a chair in the dining-room. William's mind, by this time, was clear as to the presence of burglars, but he was not sure that it would be sensible for him to go down among them. Burglars are unreasonable peo ple, and the gentleman knew It. He had heard of burglars who had killed men for merely asking awkward que tions. and he didn't see how he could go downstairs then without giving ef fense. As a compromise he got his revol ver, held it out of a window and fired. This brought a neighbor hurrying up to find out what was the matter. "Burglars! said the man with the gun. "Run for the police." The neighbor ran with all his might to the nearest telephone, and in lest, than an hour several policemen ar rived, ready to sell their lives as dearly as possible. After they had broken into the house the gentleman upstairs considering it his duty to remain there and pro tect his wife it was found that about a (Sozen square feet of plaster had fal len from the ceiling of one of the lower rooms. There is to-day a respected citizen of Evanston who wishes to have it distinctly understood that he would have been willing to go downstairs and look before firing his revolver if his wife had not been afraid to remain aioce while he took his life in his hands. Chicago Record-Herald. SHE NEEDED HIM BADLY. An old mammy, who had known GoTSrnor Taylor of Tennessee from hi ejMhood came into his office and be gan at once to plead for the pardon of her husband, who was then in prison. , "Laws bress yo' life, Marse Bob." she began, "I wisht you'd pahdon dat po' ole niggah Jim. He ain't no good for nuffin nowhar. He jest dat use less an triflin", even at home, dat he cahn do no mo' den sorter scrape aroun" an' git a little sompen for we'all to eat, an' he sholy ain' no ,good down dar in dat pen." "I can't do it, aunty," the governor said. "I am being abused every day. What's Jim in there for?" he asked, seeing the little light that was left dying out of trie old woman's eyes. "W'y, Marse Bob. dey jes' put him in dar for nuffin' 'pon earth 'cept takin' one po' little ham outen Mr. Smith's smokehouse. We was oaten meat, an' de ole niggah didn't do nufSn' 'cep' tek de ham fur ter keep we'all fura starvin'." "Well, now suppose I should pardon Jim. what good would that do you? He Is so onery and trifling," the gov ernor was saying, when the old woman broke in with the reply: "W'y, bress you, Maise Bob, we is oaten meat agin, an' we jes' got to have anothah ham!" TIlKEE TIME.? AND OUT. Mrs. Fosdick was sure she heard the crash of breaking china in the kitchen, but she felt she must be mis:ken when she entered and saw the joyous face of her cook. - "I'm so glad Oi've broke it. mum," Bridget said, brimming with delight. "Why, it's one of my best cups." aid Mrs. Fosdick, surveying the re mains. "Yes'm," added Bridget, cheerfully, "but. Oi'm so glad it's done. Ye see. I broke two of 'em before, an' I knew Oi'd have to break another before Oi quit, an' it's a great comfort to have It all done." "Well, see that you don't begin on mother three." said Mrs. Fosdick. sternly. From the Detroit Free Press. KOTHINO SKRIOCS. She What Is that harsh, rattling vi- ratioa next door? He Oh, that's only a family jar. "IJfJtJlT SIMMER." . Here is a Georgia boy's composition on "Indian summer": "Injun summer is the best season of the year, 'cept swimmln time. The days are so still you kin hear dad 6wearin two miles - off. as well as every lick ma hits him with the broomstick. TUe reason it Is called summer Is because they ain't no Injuns in it, 'cept them dad Bees when he comes home from the store with two gallons of apple brandy an' ays he reckons he knows who Js boss of the household, an no woman - on earth can rule him. Let us all be thankful for Injun summer and be good till after Christmus." From the Atlanta Constitution. WAS HE THE RIGHT PARTY? A letter was received at the post- office in Washington directed to the biggest fool in that city. . . The postmaster was absent, and on his return one of the younger clerks informed him of the receipt of the let ter. . "And what became of it?" inquired the postmaster. "Why," replied the clerk, "I didn't know who the biggest fool In Washing ton was, so I opened it myself." "And what did you find in It?" in quired the postmaster. "Find?" replied the clerk. "Why, nothing but the words, 'Thou art the. man.' ELUSIVE FAM& 5 '!5 1 . Mildred They say that great poet never rises before noon. - Madge Isn't that strange! Do you remember which of his poems made bim famous? Mildred His "Lines on Seeing the Sun Rise." HER I N l lO'AT I O V. Where two or three women are gatlr ered together there is sure to be soma conversation about servants. The following is the substance of one housekeeper's recent experience, as detailed in one of these conversations: An East End hostess had invitations out for a small luncheon, but on the morning of the eventful day her "help" departed, heartlessly and unanimously. There was nothing to do but to im press into service the wife of the jan itor of the flat and induce her to act as waitress. It was her first experience in this sort of household duties, 'and the effect was to surprise her and render her somewhat indignant at tne doings ol society. "D'ye moind what Oi had to do, Pat?" she was overheard saying to her husband. "Sure, an Oi didn't moind waitin' at all, if they'd let me do it roight." "Wouldn't they let you do it roight, Norah?" he asked, with concerned in terest. "Sure, an' they wouldn't. They wouldn't let me fetch the things to ate all at once an" set 'em on the table. Oi had to bring 'em in one at a time! An" after Ol brought 'em in they wouldn't reach for the things! OI had to rass around to every leddy at the table. Och, but the way they Wasted time. They might have got through an tour sooner. The ways of these eassiety folks is beyant me! " But Pat sympathized with her and agreed that there had been a great waste of time. From the Pittsburg Commercial Gazette. HEIt DOLLS HAD MEASLES. An amusing story is told of Queen Wilhelmina when she was quite a lit tle child. Her majesty was not al lowed to share dinner with the elder members of ue royal household, but was permitted to make her - appear ance at dessert and place herself be side some particular favorite. One day she sat by a courtly old general, and after eating some fruit the little girl turned and gazed up at him. Presently she exclaimed: "I wonder you're not afraid to sit next to me." Everybody in the room turned at the sound of the childish treble. "On the contrary, I am but too pleased and honored to sit next to my future queen," replied the old general. "But why should I be afraid?" Assuming a woebegone expression the little queen replied: "Because all my dolls have the measles they're all of them down with it!" JOKELETS. Mew Disease. Employer Well, Mike, I hear that your brother is dead. What caused his death? Mike I am not that sure, sor, but I believe it's called autopsy of the brain. ' " A Pnuler for Patsy. Little Patsy Oh, ma. here's a bla knothole in the floor. Come and look at it. Mother Whist, now. Patsy, darlin I'm that busy I can't come. Bring it over to tne. Patsy, an' I'll look at it Patting; Awmy Temptation. Minister w ny, iieroert, x m . sur prised! - Yon are not going fishing on Sunday, are you? Herbert No. I ain't; I'm only takin1 this pole away to mae it. so 8 my brother won't be tempted. A hypocrite is like the letter p the first in pity and the last in help. m JCm, 2! A QviaJter aj Girl's DiLry i There is an ancient house at Pen llyn, Gwynedd township. Montgomery county. Pa., that is associated' with one of the prettiest contributions to the history of the stirring times in the fall of 1777. It Is the old Foulke man sion, wherein a young Philadelphia Quaker girl wrote the charming, sparkling narrative that has become famous as Sally Wister's Journal. The document has been a fruitful source of inspiration to many writers of fiction, dealing wi.h the days of our nation making. Just before the Brit ish army slipped into Philadelphia after weeks of fighting and feinting. Sally's father, Daniel a Philadelphia merchant sent his family out to Gwynedd to the Foulkes, the two families being kin, to escape the many unpleasant features of life in a city with an army of occupation. Previous to going away Sally and her friend, Deborah Norris, another young Quakeress, who, by the way, told in after years how she peeped over the- garden fence and looked across Fifth street to see what was going on the day they publicly read the Declaration of Independence, agreed to keep journals, which they would exchange when they met again, as it would be manifestly impossible to get letters through the- lines of the two armies. And Sally went out. to her widowed "Aunt Hannah's," the uncle, William Foulke, having died in 1775. The long, low stone house, wherein the Foulke family and their city rela tives sheltered that troublous winter s still in excellent preservation and doubtless in very much the same pro portions of a century and a quarter ago. Its present owner. J. B. Cald well has done much to give it a splen- id setting in a landscape gardening cheme of rare beauty. Wrote Her Diary There. In one of the rooms of the pictur esque mansion this light-hearted girl jotted down her chatty, familiar im pressions of the great makers of Am erican history as they appeared on the little stage of the hospitable Foulke home. The first entry in her diary was made Sept. 25, 1777 124 years ago this week. One day she writes: "Two genteel men of the military order rode up' to the door" and arranged for the billet- OLD FOULKE MANSION Ing of Gen.. William Smallwood of Maryland at the house. "One of the officers dismounted and wrote 'Small- wood's quarters' over the door, which secured us from straggling soldiers. After this he mounted his steed and rode away. When we are alone our dress and lips were put in order for conquest and the hopes of adventure gave brightness to each before passive countenance." Genu 8 mall wood Arrives. "In the evening (of Oct.. 19) his gen eralship came with six attendants, which compos'd his family. A large guard of soldiers, a number of horses and baggage wagons, the yard and house in confusion and glittered with military equipments. e e e -The general is tall, portly, well-made; a truly martial air,- the behavior and manners of a gentleman, a good un derstanding and great humanity of disposition constitute the character cf Smallwood." For weeks her journal resounds with the clanking of swords, the rumble of military wagons, the tramp of march ing soldiers, busy, perhaps, with the care of wounded soldiers whose line of retreat from fatal Germantown lay close to the old house. She only brief ly refers to the battle there and "the horrors of that day." She tells her absent friend the gossip they get at the mill a mill was part of the Foulke estate but warns her by say ing: "We don't place much depend ence on mill news." Conquest of a Virginian. One day several of the company which formed this distinguished iolonlal house party, "Went to the mill. We made very free with some continental flour. We powdered mighty white, to be sure." Another Say 21-year-old and flirtatious Brig. 3en. Lacy rides by "In expectation of drawing the attention of the 'mill Sirls.' e e e but as ill-luck would arder it, I had been busy and my au burn ringlets were much dishevelled; therefore I did not glad his eyes, and cannot set down on the list of honors ft Sparkling Nvrr.tlve Written by v Phil adelphia. R.evoIu tionn.ry Belle. ft ft received that of a bow from Brig.-Gen. Lacy." She comments further on that day being "almost adventureless." A gay young blade' from Virginia, Alexander Spotswood Dandridge, asks her to marry him on exceedingly short acquaintance, she thinks, although she hastens to explain, "had we been ac quainted seven years we would not have been more sociable. The moon gave a sadly pleasing light." What a wonderfully complete picture of socia bility that entry suggests! She tells of the pranks she and her girl friends played on a certain Mr. Tilly, "a wild, noisy mortal," who ap pears "bashful when with girls," and who "talks so excessively fast that he often begins a sentence without fin ishing the last, which confuses him very much, and then he blushes an'd laughs." Mr. Tilly plays two tunes on the German flute and he is unmerci fully jeered about his brilliant musical talent. ' .. A Joke on Tilly. Tilly was something of a braggart, it seems, and the merry company de cided to have some fun with him, so they fitted up the figure of a British grenadier and stood it at the door of the house. While they were chatting in the gloom of one of the rooms one December night a knock came at the door. The servant came in with the message that they were all wanted outside. Tilly was the first one out and he banged into the grenadier. At the same moment a thundering voice called out: "Are there any rebel of ficers here?" "Not waiting for a second word, he darted like lightning out of the front door, through the yard, bolted over the fence. Swamps, fences, thorn hedges and plowed fields no way Im peded his retreat." At last they found Tilly and explained the joke to him. He was induced to come back, and when he rejoined the group he solemn ly faced the company and remarked: "You may all go to the d 1!" Sally touchingly and suggestively com ments: "I never heard him utter an indecent expression before." But it would take columns, says the Philadelphia Record, to reprint the full account of Sally Wister's Journal and its abounding references to the qualifications and character of the various officers who stopped at this old AT PENN LLYN, PA. house. As to the complete Journal, which first saw the light in the com fortable home, one's best wishes to the reader of these lines may be most fittingly expressed in Sally's dedica tion to her friend Deborah. "The pe rusal of it may some time hence give pleasure in a solitary hour to thee." Another Aasnbu, There were a crowd of calamity howlers gathered in a hotel rotunda during the great drouth of the past month, and each was telling the other that all the crops would be burned up and everybody would starve to death. An old man, who has the reputation of being a man who can always tell a story better than the one just told, put in his voice and said that the present drouth was nothing to the one they had when he was a boy in "Car'llny. They all listened carefully to his won derful story of how so many people starved to death, and how when they cut their bodies open they found that they had actually eaten grass before they died. " He told the story through without interruption, but as soon as he finished one of his listeners asked: "But why did they cut ' open their bodies?" That was a poser for the old man, but after spitting reflective ly at a spot on the wall, he said: "Why, to see what they starved to death on, of course." Then he won dered what they all wanted him to buy the drinks for. A Fsit Man's Coarse. M." Courtinaud's uncle, both well- known in Paris, died in April and left him 6.000 francs. Delighted with so much money, he considered various plans of spending it. He was afraid to place it in tne Dans and had no confidence in commercial ventures. Not fond of racing, he finally decided to drink it up. At the end of five months he succeeded. His average was forty francs a day. At last he bought a bot tle of alcohol for two francs, drank It. and then shot himself. He left request to be buried in a cellar at the side of the barrels. Chicago Journal. 2 HABIT IS POWERFUL. la Training Children Prevention! la Msch Bettor Than Cm, Habit is one of the strongest forces of the world. Not like dynamite or a big cannon ball, or a steam engine it requires a man to start off such a force as either of these mentioned yet if that same man had the habit of smoking he would find it a very difficult matter indeed to simply drop t short off. and never do it again. So in the end it is an" economy of nlnd to train children in habits such as will be cf value to them through life. One of the mistakes made by mothers in training their children is in supposing that careful habits can be cultivated ia - careless " surroundings. ragged or soiled carpet so little valued that a grease or ink spot may fall and be left upon it without caus ing comment, may become a moral calamity. A child who is made to eat its food carefully, in a room where the furnishings are respected even if ex tremely ptain, where carelessness is followed by a penalty, naturally ac quires careful manners, while tyin; the child up in a bib and allowing it to spill its food, or be careless in eat ing, soiling the cloth, or its hands, is responsible for bad table habits in the men and women whom we meet. A child is quick to imitate. If the moth er is worried by the soiled .cloth or a spot, and takes the trouble to clean it up, to keep the furnishings of the room neat, to spend some time in setting the table carefully and keeping the room in order, she saves time otherwise spent in repairing damages and cor recting the child. The ounce of pre vention is worth seven pounds of curi in the training of children, and it is a pity when it is not administered in the small doses needed by children, and not in the radical doses necessary to overcome neglect in matters that are never minor, for manner and habit speak for much in man. Truly a man may be moral and eat wita his knife. But he would be a more valuable man n the community if he recognized the uses for which the knife was desig nated and applied it only to those uses. And so with many other habits and manners that prove such trials to men and women of today, and which might have been avoided if in their childhood the thoroughness in training had been appreciated. A STATISTICAL OCTOROON. Composite American Finds Himself Under This Classification. The average adult American is a statistical octoroon. If the Diooa in the veins of all our people, white and black, were pooled and redistributed, each person would have about seven parts white and one part negro blood. The white strain in him, moreover, is by no means purely American. White strains of foreign origin, der.ved from Germany, Ireland, Scandanavia, Can ada, Great Britain, and the countries of Southern Europe, are collectively more powerful in his composition than is the negro strain. Thus going back only one generation, we find him to be a composite, the creation of widely differing bloods and nationali ties. The peoples of the earth from the Congo under the equator to the North Cape of Europe, have contribut ed, either immediately or remotely, to his composition. But with it all we find the Anglo-Saxon strain the domi nant one. His political institutions, his laws, his social conditions, and his mental characteristics, his power of Initiative and his independence of thought and action are Anglo-Saxon, sharpened and Intensified by fresh contact with nature under new and untried conditions. It is a strange and gratifying thing to witnesd, in connection with this mixture of blood. the complete dominance of the Anglo Saxon strain, and it argues well for its strength and vitality, as well as for the welfare of the country which he occupies and governs. Everybody s Magazine. DwSdCBO of Secularism. Secularism is In a bad way, in the. Did land, at any rate, says the New York Evangelist. That noted place of resort, "The Hall of Science," where the apostle of "Free Thought," the late Charles Bradlaugh, orated so long, has passed to commercial uses and the sec ularist fraternity, since their leader's death, have sunk lower and lower in public esteem. The latest Item regard ing them is that George W. Foote, who may he regarded as Bradlaugh'6 ' suc cessor, has become a bankrupt. "Unse cured liabilities about $2,675 and assets only about $385." Tree Yields Intoxicating Drink. The fruit of the umganu tree ot South Africa yields a strong intoxi cating drink for the natives. Ele phants are fond of it., becoming quite tipsy, staggering about, playing an tics, screaming so as to be heard for miles and having tremendous fights. When in this state the natives leave them alone. Figures at Financial Centers. The value of the - checks which passed through the London clearing house in one year has reached $45,- 000,000,000. Yet even that stupendous amount was exceeded in 1899 by the New York clearing-house, the totals footing up considerably over $57,000, 000,000. , Komi Delivery Raises Land Values. - It is estimated that the value ol land along rural delivery routes has Increased from $2 to $5 an acre. Then. too. there is an educational value la the rural free delivery, in that, thou sands more magazines and - peri.tdi cals are- finding their way to people's homes. ia tn at the goo. - Over 4,781,000 tons of freight passed through the American and Canadian canals at Sault Ste. Marie in July, an increase of about 262,000 tons over June. " The number of vessels carrying this tonnage, was 3.211 and besides 5,854.777 bushels of wheat, 1.092,625 barrels of flour, 1,838,400 feet of lum ber and 3,351.294 tons of iron ore. 14. 200 passengers were carried. There are few busier commercial points in the world and the traffic is far in ex cess of that of the Sues canal. When Von Order Baker's Chocolate or Baker's Cocoa examine the package you receive and make sure that it bears the well known trade-mark of the chccol&te girl. There are many imitations of these choice goods on the market A copy of Miss Parloa's choice recipes will be sent free to any housekeeper. Address Walter Baker & Co., Ltd., Dorchester. Mass. Oldest Man In America. Elijah Bledsoe, colored, living near Burgin, Ky., is believed to be the old est man in America. There seems to be good ground for believing that he la over 120 years old. He is known to have been married thirteen times, and something like half a hundred of his children are scattered over, the state. Up to the Offlesrs. It's the man who is "seen in the neighborhood,", or "prowling in the neighborhood," or "loafing in the com munity," who generally causes blood hounds to be called out and the coun try to grow wild in indignation at his crime. And yet he is an easy fellow to suppress, if the officers would but do uielr duty. Galveston News. Big- Salmon Catch In the West. The salmon catchers on the North Pacific coast sometimes catch over 5,000 fish at one haul and are compell ed to throw thousands back for want of seine room. Canneries are running at breakneck speed. Labor is very scarce and small girls employed aa helpers are making $3 a day. Germany's Tobacco Business. In 1900 Germany exported and im ported exactly the same quantity of cigars namely. 313 tons. A great dif ference, however, existed in the qual ity.. The imports for last year amount ed in value to $2,000,000, while the ex ports were valued at only $800,000. To bacco produced in Germany is used for mixing with better grades imported from other countries. Rheumatism and the JKyes. Chicago, 111., Nov. 18th. Mr. R. A. Wade, the celebrated criminal lawyer of this city whose opinion on legal matters is unquestioned, has recently made public his unqualified opinion on a matter of medicine. Mr. Wade says that Rheumatism and Kidney Trouble affect the eyesight, and further that there is no case of the kind that can not be cured by Dodd's Kidney Pills. He has no fear of being set right by any of his medical friends, for both statements have a living and indis putable proof in the person of the great lawyer himself, who as a result of Rheumatism and Kidney Trouble from which he suffered for years, be came totally blind. Physicians, the best in the country. pronounced his case incurable and hopeless, but Dodd's Kidney Pills cured him, restored his sight, drove away the Kidnej Trouble and with it the Rheumatism and made au all- around well man of him. Fire Escape Instructions. A descriptive article on Norway con tains some striking instructions for the use of fire escapes taken from a local hotel, of which the following lines are part: "The plaited snotter shall be found in' every room. To in crease the hurry,' let down the body one by one until all shall de left The cord shall put put the ground from the shoulder thereunder." Making Home Happy. Anything that contributes to the happiness of the home is a blessing to the human race. The thoughtful house wife, who understands her responsi bilities in the great problem of mak ing the home all that the word implies is ever on the look out for that which., will lighten the burdens of the house hold without lessening the merits of the work done. That is why nearly every well regulated household is us ing Defiance starch. It costs less and goes farthest. Sixteen-oz package for 10c. If your grocer hasn't got it clip this out and give it lo him and ask him to send for it Made by Magnetic Starch Co.. Omaha. Neb. The crying need of a woman is real tears. Hows ThlsT We offer One Hundred Dollars reward for any ease of Catarrh that cannot be cared by HaU'a Catarrh Cure. F. J. CHENEY A CO., Props.. Toloao. O. We. the DDderebmed. have known F. J. Cheney tor the last 15 years and believe him penecuy nonoraoie in au business transactions and financially able to carry our any obliga tions made by their firm. West & Truax. Wholesale DrutTftfsts, Toledo, O. : Warning. Rinnan A Marvin, Wholesale Druggists. Toledo. Ohio. HaU's Catarrh Cure Is taken internally, act ing directly upon the blood and mucous surfaces of the system. Testimonials sent free. Price the per bottle. Sold by aU druggists, HaU's Family fills are the best. Some men never do anything wrong because they never do anything. WBE5 YOfR GROCER SATS he does not have Defiance Starch, yon may be sure he la afraid to keep It until his stock of 12 ox. packages are sold. De fiance Starch is not only better than any other Cold Water Starch, but contains 16 os. to tne pact&te ana leas xor money aa 12 ox. brands. Sometimes it is a man's dinner that disagrees with him, and sometimes it's his. wife.'