THE TIME TO LAUGH.
SOME GOOD JOKES. ORIGINAL AND
Tb Suburbanite moil the BugUi
Definition of - Indian Bnmmer ?ben
Women Other So-, e Juvenile Joka-
The wife of a respected citiaen of
Evanston woke up the other night, and
pinching her husband's arm, whis
pered: "William! William! Get up quick!
There are burglars downstairs. Lis
ten!" William sat up and listened. There
was a racket as of somebody falling
over a chair in the dining-room.
William's mind, by this time, was
clear as to the presence of burglars,
but he was not sure that it would be
sensible for him to go down among
them. Burglars are unreasonable peo
ple, and the gentleman knew It. He
had heard of burglars who had killed
men for merely asking awkward que
tions. and he didn't see how he could
go downstairs then without giving ef
fense. As a compromise he got his revol
ver, held it out of a window and fired.
This brought a neighbor hurrying up
to find out what was the matter.
"Burglars! said the man with the
gun. "Run for the police."
The neighbor ran with all his might
to the nearest telephone, and in lest,
than an hour several policemen ar
rived, ready to sell their lives as dearly
After they had broken into the house
the gentleman upstairs considering
it his duty to remain there and pro
tect his wife it was found that about
a (Sozen square feet of plaster had fal
len from the ceiling of one of the lower
There is to-day a respected citizen
of Evanston who wishes to have it
distinctly understood that he would
have been willing to go downstairs and
look before firing his revolver if his
wife had not been afraid to remain
aioce while he took his life in his
hands. Chicago Record-Herald.
SHE NEEDED HIM BADLY.
An old mammy, who had known
GoTSrnor Taylor of Tennessee from hi
ejMhood came into his office and be
gan at once to plead for the pardon
of her husband, who was then in
, "Laws bress yo' life, Marse Bob."
she began, "I wisht you'd pahdon dat
po' ole niggah Jim. He ain't no good
for nuffin nowhar. He jest dat use
less an triflin", even at home, dat he
cahn do no mo' den sorter scrape
aroun" an' git a little sompen for
we'all to eat, an' he sholy ain' no ,good
down dar in dat pen."
"I can't do it, aunty," the governor
said. "I am being abused every day.
What's Jim in there for?" he asked,
seeing the little light that was left
dying out of trie old woman's eyes.
"W'y, Marse Bob. dey jes' put him in
dar for nuffin' 'pon earth 'cept takin'
one po' little ham outen Mr. Smith's
smokehouse. We was oaten meat, an'
de ole niggah didn't do nufSn' 'cep'
tek de ham fur ter keep we'all fura
"Well, now suppose I should pardon
Jim. what good would that do you?
He Is so onery and trifling," the gov
ernor was saying, when the old woman
broke in with the reply:
"W'y, bress you, Maise Bob, we is
oaten meat agin, an' we jes' got to
have anothah ham!"
TIlKEE TIME.? AND OUT.
Mrs. Fosdick was sure she heard the
crash of breaking china in the kitchen,
but she felt she must be mis:ken
when she entered and saw the joyous
face of her cook.
- "I'm so glad Oi've broke it. mum,"
Bridget said, brimming with delight.
"Why, it's one of my best cups."
aid Mrs. Fosdick, surveying the re
mains. "Yes'm," added Bridget, cheerfully,
"but. Oi'm so glad it's done. Ye see.
I broke two of 'em before, an' I knew
Oi'd have to break another before Oi
quit, an' it's a great comfort to have
It all done."
"Well, see that you don't begin on
mother three." said Mrs. Fosdick.
sternly. From the Detroit Free Press.
She What Is that harsh, rattling vi-
ratioa next door?
He Oh, that's only a family jar.
"IJfJtJlT SIMMER." .
Here is a Georgia boy's composition
on "Indian summer":
"Injun summer is the best season of
the year, 'cept swimmln time. The
days are so still you kin hear dad
6wearin two miles - off. as well as
every lick ma hits him with the
broomstick. TUe reason it Is called
summer Is because they ain't
no Injuns in it, 'cept them dad Bees
when he comes home from the store
with two gallons of apple brandy an'
ays he reckons he knows who Js boss
of the household, an no woman - on
earth can rule him. Let us all be
thankful for Injun summer and be
good till after Christmus." From the
WAS HE THE RIGHT PARTY?
A letter was received at the post-
office in Washington directed to the
biggest fool in that city. . .
The postmaster was absent, and on
his return one of the younger clerks
informed him of the receipt of the let
"And what became of it?" inquired
"Why," replied the clerk, "I didn't
know who the biggest fool In Washing
ton was, so I opened it myself."
"And what did you find in It?" in
quired the postmaster.
"Find?" replied the clerk. "Why,
nothing but the words, 'Thou art the.
. Mildred They say that great poet
never rises before noon. -
Madge Isn't that strange! Do you
remember which of his poems made
Mildred His "Lines on Seeing the
HER I N l lO'AT I O V.
Where two or three women are gatlr
ered together there is sure to be soma
conversation about servants.
The following is the substance of
one housekeeper's recent experience, as
detailed in one of these conversations:
An East End hostess had invitations
out for a small luncheon, but on the
morning of the eventful day her "help"
departed, heartlessly and unanimously.
There was nothing to do but to im
press into service the wife of the jan
itor of the flat and induce her to act
It was her first experience in this
sort of household duties, 'and the effect
was to surprise her and render her
somewhat indignant at tne doings ol
"D'ye moind what Oi had to do,
Pat?" she was overheard saying to her
husband. "Sure, an Oi didn't moind
waitin' at all, if they'd let me do it
"Wouldn't they let you do it roight,
Norah?" he asked, with concerned in
terest. "Sure, an' they wouldn't. They
wouldn't let me fetch the things to ate
all at once an" set 'em on the table.
Oi had to bring 'em in one at a time!
An" after Ol brought 'em in they
wouldn't reach for the things! OI had
to rass around to every leddy at the
table. Och, but the way they Wasted
time. They might have got through
an tour sooner. The ways of these
eassiety folks is beyant me! "
But Pat sympathized with her and
agreed that there had been a great
waste of time. From the Pittsburg
HEIt DOLLS HAD MEASLES.
An amusing story is told of Queen
Wilhelmina when she was quite a lit
tle child. Her majesty was not al
lowed to share dinner with the elder
members of ue royal household, but
was permitted to make her - appear
ance at dessert and place herself be
side some particular favorite. One day
she sat by a courtly old general, and
after eating some fruit the little girl
turned and gazed up at him. Presently
"I wonder you're not afraid to sit
next to me."
Everybody in the room turned at the
sound of the childish treble.
"On the contrary, I am but too
pleased and honored to sit next to my
future queen," replied the old general.
"But why should I be afraid?"
Assuming a woebegone expression
the little queen replied: "Because all
my dolls have the measles they're all
of them down with it!"
Employer Well, Mike, I hear that
your brother is dead. What caused his
Mike I am not that sure, sor, but
I believe it's called autopsy of the
brain. ' "
A Pnuler for Patsy.
Little Patsy Oh, ma. here's a bla
knothole in the floor. Come and look
Mother Whist, now. Patsy, darlin
I'm that busy I can't come. Bring it
over to tne. Patsy, an' I'll look at it
Patting; Awmy Temptation.
Minister w ny, iieroert, x m . sur
prised! - Yon are not going fishing on
Sunday, are you?
Herbert No. I ain't; I'm only takin1
this pole away to mae it. so 8 my
brother won't be tempted.
A hypocrite is like the letter p the
first in pity and the last in help.
2! A QviaJter
aj Girl's DiLry i
There is an ancient house at Pen
llyn, Gwynedd township. Montgomery
county. Pa., that is associated' with
one of the prettiest contributions to
the history of the stirring times in the
fall of 1777. It Is the old Foulke man
sion, wherein a young Philadelphia
Quaker girl wrote the charming,
sparkling narrative that has become
famous as Sally Wister's Journal.
The document has been a fruitful
source of inspiration to many writers
of fiction, dealing wi.h the days of our
nation making. Just before the Brit
ish army slipped into Philadelphia
after weeks of fighting and feinting.
Sally's father, Daniel a Philadelphia
merchant sent his family out to
Gwynedd to the Foulkes, the two
families being kin, to escape the many
unpleasant features of life in a city
with an army of occupation.
Previous to going away Sally and
her friend, Deborah Norris, another
young Quakeress, who, by the way,
told in after years how she peeped
over the- garden fence and looked
across Fifth street to see what was
going on the day they publicly read
the Declaration of Independence,
agreed to keep journals, which they
would exchange when they met again,
as it would be manifestly impossible
to get letters through the- lines of the
two armies. And Sally went out. to
her widowed "Aunt Hannah's," the
uncle, William Foulke, having died
The long, low stone house, wherein
the Foulke family and their city rela
tives sheltered that troublous winter
s still in excellent preservation and
doubtless in very much the same pro
portions of a century and a quarter
ago. Its present owner. J. B. Cald
well has done much to give it a splen-
id setting in a landscape gardening
cheme of rare beauty.
Wrote Her Diary There.
In one of the rooms of the pictur
esque mansion this light-hearted girl
jotted down her chatty, familiar im
pressions of the great makers of Am
erican history as they appeared on the
little stage of the hospitable Foulke
home. The first entry in her diary
was made Sept. 25, 1777 124 years ago
One day she writes: "Two genteel
men of the military order rode up' to
the door" and arranged for the billet-
OLD FOULKE MANSION
Ing of Gen.. William Smallwood of
Maryland at the house. "One of the
officers dismounted and wrote 'Small-
wood's quarters' over the door, which
secured us from straggling soldiers.
After this he mounted his steed and
rode away. When we are alone our
dress and lips were put in order for
conquest and the hopes of adventure
gave brightness to each before passive
Genu 8 mall wood Arrives.
"In the evening (of Oct.. 19) his gen
eralship came with six attendants,
which compos'd his family. A large
guard of soldiers, a number of horses
and baggage wagons, the yard and
house in confusion and glittered with
military equipments. e e e -The
general is tall, portly, well-made; a
truly martial air,- the behavior and
manners of a gentleman, a good un
derstanding and great humanity of
disposition constitute the character cf
For weeks her journal resounds with
the clanking of swords, the rumble of
military wagons, the tramp of march
ing soldiers, busy, perhaps, with the
care of wounded soldiers whose line
of retreat from fatal Germantown lay
close to the old house. She only brief
ly refers to the battle there and "the
horrors of that day." She tells her
absent friend the gossip they get at
the mill a mill was part of the
Foulke estate but warns her by say
ing: "We don't place much depend
ence on mill news."
Conquest of a Virginian.
One day several of the company
which formed this distinguished
iolonlal house party, "Went to the
mill. We made very free with some
continental flour. We powdered
mighty white, to be sure." Another
Say 21-year-old and flirtatious Brig.
3en. Lacy rides by "In expectation of
drawing the attention of the 'mill
Sirls.' e e e but as ill-luck would
arder it, I had been busy and my au
burn ringlets were much dishevelled;
therefore I did not glad his eyes, and
cannot set down on the list of honors
Written by v Phil
received that of a bow from Brig.-Gen.
Lacy." She comments further on that
day being "almost adventureless."
A gay young blade' from Virginia,
Alexander Spotswood Dandridge, asks
her to marry him on exceedingly short
acquaintance, she thinks, although she
hastens to explain, "had we been ac
quainted seven years we would not
have been more sociable. The moon
gave a sadly pleasing light." What a
wonderfully complete picture of socia
bility that entry suggests!
She tells of the pranks she and her
girl friends played on a certain Mr.
Tilly, "a wild, noisy mortal," who ap
pears "bashful when with girls," and
who "talks so excessively fast that he
often begins a sentence without fin
ishing the last, which confuses him
very much, and then he blushes an'd
laughs." Mr. Tilly plays two tunes on
the German flute and he is unmerci
fully jeered about his brilliant musical
' .. A Joke on Tilly.
Tilly was something of a braggart,
it seems, and the merry company de
cided to have some fun with him, so
they fitted up the figure of a British
grenadier and stood it at the door of
the house. While they were chatting
in the gloom of one of the rooms one
December night a knock came at the
door. The servant came in with the
message that they were all wanted
outside. Tilly was the first one out
and he banged into the grenadier. At
the same moment a thundering voice
called out: "Are there any rebel of
"Not waiting for a second word, he
darted like lightning out of the front
door, through the yard, bolted over
the fence. Swamps, fences, thorn
hedges and plowed fields no way Im
peded his retreat." At last they found
Tilly and explained the joke to him.
He was induced to come back, and
when he rejoined the group he solemn
ly faced the company and remarked:
"You may all go to the d 1!" Sally
touchingly and suggestively com
ments: "I never heard him utter an
indecent expression before."
But it would take columns, says the
Philadelphia Record, to reprint the
full account of Sally Wister's Journal
and its abounding references to the
qualifications and character of the
various officers who stopped at this old
AT PENN LLYN, PA.
house. As to the complete Journal,
which first saw the light in the com
fortable home, one's best wishes to
the reader of these lines may be most
fittingly expressed in Sally's dedica
tion to her friend Deborah. "The pe
rusal of it may some time hence give
pleasure in a solitary hour to thee."
There were a crowd of calamity
howlers gathered in a hotel rotunda
during the great drouth of the past
month, and each was telling the other
that all the crops would be burned up
and everybody would starve to death.
An old man, who has the reputation of
being a man who can always tell a
story better than the one just told, put
in his voice and said that the present
drouth was nothing to the one they
had when he was a boy in "Car'llny.
They all listened carefully to his won
derful story of how so many people
starved to death, and how when they
cut their bodies open they found that
they had actually eaten grass before
they died. " He told the story through
without interruption, but as soon as
he finished one of his listeners asked:
"But why did they cut ' open their
bodies?" That was a poser for the
old man, but after spitting reflective
ly at a spot on the wall, he said:
"Why, to see what they starved to
death on, of course." Then he won
dered what they all wanted him to buy
the drinks for.
A Fsit Man's Coarse.
M." Courtinaud's uncle, both well-
known in Paris, died in April and left
him 6.000 francs. Delighted with so
much money, he considered various
plans of spending it. He was afraid
to place it in tne Dans and had no
confidence in commercial ventures. Not
fond of racing, he finally decided to
drink it up. At the end of five months
he succeeded. His average was forty
francs a day. At last he bought a bot
tle of alcohol for two francs, drank
It. and then shot himself. He left
request to be buried in a cellar at the
side of the barrels. Chicago Journal.
HABIT IS POWERFUL.
la Training Children Prevention! la
Msch Bettor Than Cm,
Habit is one of the strongest forces
of the world. Not like dynamite or a
big cannon ball, or a steam engine
it requires a man to start off such a
force as either of these mentioned
yet if that same man had the habit
of smoking he would find it a very
difficult matter indeed to simply drop
t short off. and never do it again.
So in the end it is an" economy of
nlnd to train children in habits such
as will be cf value to them through
life. One of the mistakes made by
mothers in training their children is in
supposing that careful habits can be
cultivated ia - careless " surroundings.
ragged or soiled carpet so little
valued that a grease or ink spot may
fall and be left upon it without caus
ing comment, may become a moral
calamity. A child who is made to eat
its food carefully, in a room where the
furnishings are respected even if ex
tremely ptain, where carelessness is
followed by a penalty, naturally ac
quires careful manners, while tyin;
the child up in a bib and allowing it
to spill its food, or be careless in eat
ing, soiling the cloth, or its hands, is
responsible for bad table habits in the
men and women whom we meet. A
child is quick to imitate. If the moth
er is worried by the soiled .cloth or a
spot, and takes the trouble to clean it
up, to keep the furnishings of the room
neat, to spend some time in setting the
table carefully and keeping the room
in order, she saves time otherwise
spent in repairing damages and cor
recting the child. The ounce of pre
vention is worth seven pounds of curi
in the training of children, and it is a
pity when it is not administered in the
small doses needed by children, and
not in the radical doses necessary to
overcome neglect in matters that are
never minor, for manner and habit
speak for much in man. Truly a man
may be moral and eat wita his knife.
But he would be a more valuable man
n the community if he recognized the
uses for which the knife was desig
nated and applied it only to those uses.
And so with many other habits and
manners that prove such trials to men
and women of today, and which might
have been avoided if in their childhood
the thoroughness in training had been
A STATISTICAL OCTOROON.
Composite American Finds Himself
Under This Classification.
The average adult American is a
statistical octoroon. If the Diooa in
the veins of all our people, white and
black, were pooled and redistributed,
each person would have about seven
parts white and one part negro blood.
The white strain in him, moreover, is
by no means purely American. White
strains of foreign origin, der.ved from
Germany, Ireland, Scandanavia, Can
ada, Great Britain, and the countries
of Southern Europe, are collectively
more powerful in his composition
than is the negro strain. Thus going
back only one generation, we find
him to be a composite, the creation of
widely differing bloods and nationali
ties. The peoples of the earth from
the Congo under the equator to the
North Cape of Europe, have contribut
ed, either immediately or remotely, to
his composition. But with it all we
find the Anglo-Saxon strain the domi
nant one. His political institutions,
his laws, his social conditions, and
his mental characteristics, his power
of Initiative and his independence of
thought and action are Anglo-Saxon,
sharpened and Intensified by fresh
contact with nature under new and
untried conditions. It is a strange
and gratifying thing to witnesd, in
connection with this mixture of blood.
the complete dominance of the Anglo
Saxon strain, and it argues well for
its strength and vitality, as well as
for the welfare of the country which
he occupies and governs. Everybody s
DwSdCBO of Secularism.
Secularism is In a bad way, in the.
Did land, at any rate, says the New
York Evangelist. That noted place of
resort, "The Hall of Science," where
the apostle of "Free Thought," the late
Charles Bradlaugh, orated so long, has
passed to commercial uses and the sec
ularist fraternity, since their leader's
death, have sunk lower and lower in
public esteem. The latest Item regard
ing them is that George W. Foote, who
may he regarded as Bradlaugh'6 ' suc
cessor, has become a bankrupt. "Unse
cured liabilities about $2,675 and assets
only about $385."
Tree Yields Intoxicating Drink.
The fruit of the umganu tree ot
South Africa yields a strong intoxi
cating drink for the natives. Ele
phants are fond of it., becoming quite
tipsy, staggering about, playing an
tics, screaming so as to be heard for
miles and having tremendous fights.
When in this state the natives leave
Figures at Financial Centers.
The value of the - checks which
passed through the London clearing
house in one year has reached $45,-
000,000,000. Yet even that stupendous
amount was exceeded in 1899 by the
New York clearing-house, the totals
footing up considerably over $57,000,
Komi Delivery Raises Land Values.
- It is estimated that the value ol
land along rural delivery routes has
Increased from $2 to $5 an acre. Then.
too. there is an educational value la
the rural free delivery, in that, thou
sands more magazines and - peri.tdi
cals are- finding their way to people's
ia tn at the goo. -
Over 4,781,000 tons of freight passed
through the American and Canadian
canals at Sault Ste. Marie in July, an
increase of about 262,000 tons over
June. " The number of vessels carrying
this tonnage, was 3.211 and besides
5,854.777 bushels of wheat, 1.092,625
barrels of flour, 1,838,400 feet of lum
ber and 3,351.294 tons of iron ore. 14.
200 passengers were carried. There
are few busier commercial points in
the world and the traffic is far in ex
cess of that of the Sues canal.
When Von Order
Baker's Chocolate or Baker's Cocoa
examine the package you receive and
make sure that it bears the well known
trade-mark of the chccol&te girl. There
are many imitations of these choice
goods on the market A copy of Miss
Parloa's choice recipes will be sent
free to any housekeeper. Address
Walter Baker & Co., Ltd., Dorchester.
Oldest Man In America.
Elijah Bledsoe, colored, living near
Burgin, Ky., is believed to be the old
est man in America. There seems to
be good ground for believing that he la
over 120 years old. He is known to
have been married thirteen times, and
something like half a hundred of his
children are scattered over, the state.
Up to the Offlesrs.
It's the man who is "seen in the
neighborhood,", or "prowling in the
neighborhood," or "loafing in the com
munity," who generally causes blood
hounds to be called out and the coun
try to grow wild in indignation at his
crime. And yet he is an easy fellow
to suppress, if the officers would but do
uielr duty. Galveston News.
Big- Salmon Catch In the West.
The salmon catchers on the North
Pacific coast sometimes catch over
5,000 fish at one haul and are compell
ed to throw thousands back for want
of seine room. Canneries are running
at breakneck speed. Labor is very
scarce and small girls employed aa
helpers are making $3 a day.
Germany's Tobacco Business.
In 1900 Germany exported and im
ported exactly the same quantity of
cigars namely. 313 tons. A great dif
ference, however, existed in the qual
ity.. The imports for last year amount
ed in value to $2,000,000, while the ex
ports were valued at only $800,000. To
bacco produced in Germany is used for
mixing with better grades imported
from other countries.
Rheumatism and the JKyes.
Chicago, 111., Nov. 18th. Mr. R. A.
Wade, the celebrated criminal lawyer
of this city whose opinion on legal
matters is unquestioned, has recently
made public his unqualified opinion on
a matter of medicine. Mr. Wade says
that Rheumatism and Kidney Trouble
affect the eyesight, and further that
there is no case of the kind that can
not be cured by Dodd's Kidney Pills.
He has no fear of being set right by
any of his medical friends, for both
statements have a living and indis
putable proof in the person of the
great lawyer himself, who as a result
of Rheumatism and Kidney Trouble
from which he suffered for years, be
came totally blind.
Physicians, the best in the country.
pronounced his case incurable and
hopeless, but Dodd's Kidney Pills
cured him, restored his sight, drove
away the Kidnej Trouble and with it
the Rheumatism and made au all-
around well man of him.
Fire Escape Instructions.
A descriptive article on Norway con
tains some striking instructions for
the use of fire escapes taken from a
local hotel, of which the following
lines are part: "The plaited snotter
shall be found in' every room. To in
crease the hurry,' let down the body
one by one until all shall de left The
cord shall put put the ground from
the shoulder thereunder."
Making Home Happy.
Anything that contributes to the
happiness of the home is a blessing to
the human race. The thoughtful house
wife, who understands her responsi
bilities in the great problem of mak
ing the home all that the word implies
is ever on the look out for that which.,
will lighten the burdens of the house
hold without lessening the merits of
the work done. That is why nearly
every well regulated household is us
ing Defiance starch. It costs less and
goes farthest. Sixteen-oz package for
10c. If your grocer hasn't got it clip
this out and give it lo him and ask
him to send for it Made by Magnetic
Starch Co.. Omaha. Neb.
The crying need of a woman is real
We offer One Hundred Dollars reward for any
ease of Catarrh that cannot be cared by HaU'a
F. J. CHENEY A CO., Props.. Toloao. O.
We. the DDderebmed. have known F. J.
Cheney tor the last 15 years and believe him
penecuy nonoraoie in au business transactions
and financially able to carry our any obliga
tions made by their firm.
West & Truax. Wholesale DrutTftfsts, Toledo,
O. : Warning. Rinnan A Marvin, Wholesale
Druggists. Toledo. Ohio.
HaU's Catarrh Cure Is taken internally, act
ing directly upon the blood and mucous surfaces
of the system. Testimonials sent free. Price
the per bottle. Sold by aU druggists,
HaU's Family fills are the best.
Some men never do anything wrong
because they never do anything.
WBE5 YOfR GROCER SATS
he does not have Defiance Starch, yon
may be sure he la afraid to keep It until
his stock of 12 ox. packages are sold. De
fiance Starch is not only better than any
other Cold Water Starch, but contains 16
os. to tne pact&te ana leas xor
money aa 12 ox. brands.
Sometimes it is a man's dinner that
disagrees with him, and sometimes it's
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