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THE TIME TO LAUGH.
80ME GOOD JOKES, ORIGINAL AND SELECTED. 7B. Sot th.. Job A Dnpenta Man WIm Fnoatloa CaaM for Actios Im laeorrect Dlagnoala Fuuijfnplu . sympathetic Souls. ISCORRECT DIAGfOSIS. He posed as a fortune-teller and anind-re&der, and when he was arrest ed and taken Into a New York court for posting handbills on the street, he explained his vocation to the presid ing Judge. "And so you are a mind-reader," said the interpreter of the law. "I wonder if you can read my mind." "Oh, yes," replied the prisoner, ap parently believing that a "bluff" would serve his cause as well as anything. "Ton are of a bright ' and cheerful disposition. And I can see by the merry twinkle in your mind that you are about to tell me to go home." "Your diagnosis is not correct," said the judge. "I was merely meditating whether I should make the fine five dollars or ten dollars. I think we will call it five dollars this time." A DESPERATE MAX. "No, Gladys McGoogle," he said in his deep and earnest voice." "life with out you would be of little use to me." "Do you mean that you would take the suicide route to escape it?" the fair girl murmured. "Yes," he answered; "you have guessed it." "Revolver or rope?" "Neither." "Gas, then, or poison?" He shook his auburn locks end smiled at her baffled air. "What then 'would you do?" "Gladys," he slowly answered, "if you refuse my love I will take no chances of failure. I have determined to let malarious'inosquito bite me. That fetched her. CHANGED HER MIXD. The house was "handy to the street car line" and in good repair, there were the proper number of closets. and the rental was reasonable, but before coming to terms the house hunting matron said to the agent: "It is only fair for me to tell you that we have five boys." "That won't make any difference, ma'am," he said, with a smile. "You will find big families of boys on both sides of you." "Oh, then, I don't want the house at all!" she exclaimed. "I want to find a neighborhood where there won't be any boys but mine." . At last accounts she was still hunt ing. . BE GOT THE JOB. Grocer (to applicant for situation) Are you fond of work? Boy No, 'sir, I ain't. Grocer Well, you'd better get on home again. I want a boy that is. lioy There ain't none. Grocer Yes, there are heaps. I've had any amount here this morning. Hoy (doggedly) How did you know they were? . . ilrocef They told me so. !Boy H'm, so would I if I was as fo;ad of lyin' as they is but I ain't. AN UNDATED STATEMENT. "Yes," said Miss Woodbesumthin', "lay ancestors landed on Plymouth Rack." While the buzz of admiration and envy went around she added sotto voce, "in 1862." We should be truthful at all times, no matter whether we shout it from Uie housetops or not." CAUSE FOB ACVIOX. Rcwland "Why did you nearly kill the manager, me lud?" Roxey "Gadzooks He wanted me to pla y in Uncle Tom's Cabin.' " Rowland "Then you consider the .play beneath your talent?" Roxey "No; it was the character. He wanted me to don a skin and be a bloodhound." SYMPATHETIC SOULS. Edith 1 hear that you and Fred are quite Interested in one another. Bertha Don't you tell a soul, Edith, but really I believe Fred and I were made for each other. We have played , golf together three times and To never have quarreled except iwo or three times when Fred was clearly In the wrong. Vrona Mad to Worse. Jones "Brown is an unlucky dog." Smith "How's that?" Jones "His object in marrying was to get out of a boarding house." Smith "Well?" Jones "Now his wife is running one tt lorrort the family." niSNTKKAPHS. . - Tody "Jennie tells me young Wood- by proposed to her last night." Viola "I don'i think I know him. Is he well off?" Tody "He certainly la. She refused him." Mrs. De Blinks "No, sir; - yoa can not have my daughter with my con sent. I detest you and I wish I could think of some way to make you mis erable." Mr. Hicks "Well, then, why not become my mother-in-law?" An Insignificant little pin in a wo man's belt often disturbs a man's men tal poise. . "My dear, are you feeling any bet ter?" asked her fond mother. "I dun no," replied Dolly. "Is the jelly all gone?" "Yes, dear." "Well, I think I am well enough to get up now." Stern Parent "Are you sure that you can - support a family?" His Daughter's Lover "Well er you see. I wasn't making any calculations on that just yet. I only want the girl, you know." The youthful lawyer's profession la usually better than his practice. The Bachelor "But you should re member the old maxim. 'Marry in haste and repent at leisure.' " The Benedict "Oh, a man doesn't have any leisure when he's married." WISE . PRECAUTION. "Say, mister, you look like a big- hearted man; can't you help a poor guy a little?" "That's just the trouble, my friend. The doctor says I have enlargement of the heart very bad and any further strain on it may prove immediately fatal." LIIILE LACGni An Explanation. Maude "i m so glad to see that your health has greatly improved." Clara "Thank yoii. My rapid re covery was due to this engagement ring." Maude '"Indeed! From whom, did you receive it?" Clara "From. niy. .physician.'. Another V'sar of It. Burglars entered ' the house of a north side physician the other night, and meeting a friend on his way downtown the next morning he said: "I say, Blask, did you hear . about my robbery last night?" "No. doctor,' replied Blank, "Whom did you rob?". Disclosing: a Secret. "Does your sister ever talk about me?" asked the enamored youth of his best girl's small brother. "You bet she . does," replied the youngster. "I heard her tell- ma tha other day that if your shoes had rock ers on them they would make good cradles." The Effect. Ida "I see lees people have been killed by football this year than ever before." May "For goodness' sake, don't let the players overhear you. They would feel ashamed and start in to break the record for brutality." WUdom of( Experience. Singleton "I wish you were eligi ble for membership in our bachelor club, old man. You have no idea of what you are missing." Wededly "Oh, yes, I have. I count the change in my pocket every night and morning." . - Wot an Ornament. Myer "Is it true that Miss Oldham has just inherited half a million?" Gyer "It is; . and she will need ev ery cent. of it in her .business." . Myer"What is her business?". Gyer Looking for ft husband." The Way or Women. Well "But you must never mention what I have just told you." Bess "Why. is it a secret V Nell "eh. no; but 7 , Bess "Then it isn't worth repeat ing." Crop Report. "Say," queried Farmer Hayrix, "what dew they raise in them' thar roof gardens deown tew th' city?" "Peaches, uncle," replied the city- bred young man.. Vital Queatlea. . He "Ton str-s truly the first girl I ever loved. She "That isn't the point. Are you sure I will be the last?" Cantlona. Short "Do you b-'ieve that a fellow fwllnr makes us wondrous kind? Long "It all depends. What are you feeling for now?" Matter Than Staying. Weary Walker "How did yoa leave thl-nn in St. Louis? Tired Tatters "By the cattle train." . Odd Maria Kalis. An a sclent ship was recently dis cover id in the bed of the old River Lea, In England. The vessel, found at a depth of seven feet below the surface, is about fifty feet long and is constructed of oak throughout, with the exception of the keel, which is of elm. The ribs of the boat are secured to The sides by tree-nails, while the limbers are secured with crude iron nails. The floor-boards are fastened together with nails and the calking is done with felt. Antiquarians think it belonged to the fleet with which King Alfred the Great fought the Danes. Finest Diamond la the World. The Jubilee Diamond (now the prop erty of a syndicate), which is the larg est and finest in the world, is so per fectly cut that, when placed on the small truncated apex of its pyramid it stands perfectly balanced, though measuring one inch and five-eighths in length, one inch and three-eighths in breadth and one inch in depth. It was cut from the larger part of an irregu lar crystal of unusual size which wat found in . 1893 at Jagersfonteln in South Africa. A black spot near the middle of the stone was the reason for cutting it in two. Bnaall Kgea Midday Meals. Contrary to a popular belief creaturl by long years of newspaper misrepre sentation, Russell Sage ,is not only Quite particular " about what he eats, but is a valiant .frenchman and a good authority on matters of the cuisine. New York papers, in spite of this fact, periodically describe his midday meal as consisting of a cracker, an apple and a glass of water. As a matter of fact, he generally lunches in the Western Union building with such men as the Goulds, General Eckart and other oflicials of the Gould inter ests. Chicago Chronicle. B. Washington Entertained President. It is now remembered that in De cember, 1898, the President "of the United States and . the governor 01 Alabama were entertained sociaHy at Tuskegee, Ala., by Mr. and Mrs. Book er T. Washington. - The New Orleans Picayune said at the time: "No white hosts or hostesses could have been more courteous in attending to and more thoughtful in forestalling every want of their guests than were these refined and educated Africans. Physicians llich Tnterestetf. Northport, Mich.. Dec. 9. The medi cal men are just now eagerly discuss ing a most remarkable cure of a severe case of Kidney Disease in this county. Mr. Byron O. Leslie of Northport has for years been a victim of kidney de rangements. . with all ' the - consequent pain and annoyance. He was gradual ly growing worse and as the disease advanced he became very despondent, often wondering if he would have to endure this suffering all his lifetime. But at last he found a remedy that cured him in Dodd's Kidney Pills. He was much pleased, but did not say much about it lest the good effect he experienced would not last. Now, however, after months of continued good health he has concluded that -he is permanently cured and his an nouncement of this has caused a pro found sensation among the physicians and the people who knew of his appar ently hopeless condition. ' Universal Cockroach. The common cockroach has spread throughout the civilized . world by means of ships. This disagreeable bug comes and goes on ships almost as freely as the rats. Tha two seem to live together amicably and they mon opolize the hold of the ships which carry foodstuffs. ALL UP-TO-DATE HOUSEKEEPERS Use Red Cross Ball Blue. It makes clothes clean and sweet as when new. All grocers. r Rheumatic Sciatic. Sharp and Shooting Pains. Strains. Weakness and al I bodily aches and pains relieved almost instantly. Backache. Headache. Faceache. Chest Pains, ard all Nervous Pains and Muscular Weakness cured by t Tnrnficfiil J La 1 flLl I If J VF I 1 a fvr m -a a b I After all other remedies fail. Acts like angle I Conquers Pain Price, 25c and 50c SOLD BY ALL DKALKRS IK aTEDICISC. k CAPSICUU vaseline . PUT DP m OULUPSIBLI TOBBS A sobstl tute tor and superior to mustard or any other plaster, and will not blister the most delicate skin. Tie pain-allayina; and curative qualities of tbis article are wonder ful. It will stop tne toomacne at once, ana relieve headache and sciatica. We recom mend It as the best and safest external counter-irritant known, also as an external remedy for pains in the chest and stomach, and all rheumatic, neuralerie and gouty com plaints. A trial will prove what we claim for it, and tt will be fount o be invaluable in the household. Many people say -it is the he of all of vour oreDarations." Prioe 1 cents, at all druggists or other dealers, or by nendinv this amount to US in DOStaee StamnS we will send you a tube by mail. Ko article should be acoepted by the public unless the same carries our label, as otherwise it is not rename. cnesetsKuuun mi-vi. vu, 17 State Street, New iou. CrrT. ' 1 trcr Now and Enlarged Edition. Webster's Int er national Dictionary of Engli&h, Biography, Geography, Fiction, etc 25,000 NEW WORDS, ETC. Edited by W. T- HARRIS, Ph.U LL.D. United Suites Com tni&sioner of Education. ' New Plates Throughout. Rich Bindings. a 364 Page. 5000 Ilat-stratioraa. REST FOR THE HOUSEHOLD Also We bat r Collegia.. Dictionary with a -valuable Scottish Glossary. xioo Page. 1400 Illustrations. Size jxxoxaia. paees, etc. of both iks sent on application. G. 9 C Merriam Co., Springfield, Mass. the contented faruer Is the man who never has a failure In crops, .ninHm iMiirm for hi. labors, and has gets splendid returns for his labors, and has ious advantages, t o -aether with splendid climate and excellent HSrl health. These we give to the settlers on the lands of Western Can ada, which comprises the irreat srrain and ranching lands of Manitoba. Assniboia, Alberta and low rates of fare are given to those desir ous of lnsneetinsT the fall grant lands The hMiiRmiifl fnrtv nam Atlas of Western Can- ....... r. a .11 .nnllMnU. Atmlv to F. Pedley. Superintendent Immigration. Ottawa, Canada, or to J. H. Crawford. Canadian Govern ment Agent, 314 w. Ninth St., Kansas caty. aa PATENTS! " mnr" awr. tasa. wo aoa aacion and opinio. paf nrafllllty c hniii " CneaaaUed referancea. Baad rree. K. A- . A-ACatx. etc. t NO GUESS NEEDED. When you weigh on a Jones aos Lb. Bcala Pfticc a OO. FULL PArTTICULajia. k JOMSS fHX PATS THl r1CHT alMBHAaTTOM. at. X. I" V a. a. Thumaa Coaaiy. K rnnmhiM fnc ftmall OraTA. Cattle Kjdatax hniu aratar. serfeetlv healtUr anaiate. Good Schools. Churcnea and Hal troad f acli ttsaa. Wrtta or Bartlculars and prices stating about wttat yea A waatT IsLB . W. C vC ML.X". Coattv. a in WEBMQPS pid s pleads c-uvily Acts BeTe-fic.a..lyi ts-lruly Syrup of Figs appeals to the cultured and the well-informed and to the healthy, because its com ponent parts are simple and wholesome and be cause it acts without disturbing the natural func tions, as it is wholly free from every objectionable quality or substance. In the process of manufacturing figs are used, as they are pleasant to the taste, but the medicinal virtues of Syrup of Figs are obtained from an excellent combination of plants known to be medicinally laxative and to act most beneficially. To get its beneficial effects buy the genuine manufactured by the - F"rvrciac Louisville-, Ky? cola, by oil dru'fi'-a't-s Price, Hioiinfixv3a(dhSme The human body is like a delicately adjusted machine. when a part is worn out, or through abuse, becomes rusty, it affects the whole system. The kidneys and liver are among the most important of all the organs in the body. When they get out of order the entire system suffers. Keep them running smoothly. and good health follows. McLeari f& LinJer : cmd KJdnejr 'Balm will regulate these organs and keep them in perfect health. Years of use in thousands of families have proved its value in all troubles affecting the liver snd kidneys. . If your back aches; If your head aches; - If you lack ambition; If you are easily tired and worn out; It means your kidneys are out of order. Buy a bottle to-day at your druggist's. It may save you useless suffering. Mad by ' Thm J. M. McLean Medicine Co.. .SV. toxii-t. Mo. Than OnFta. af a Oalin f the Donjrlaa U and $3JO ahoea for atyle, comfort aud ear i.a 1 . '" f"- . TTT. . ... . 1 MMitat nn uu ?lore: W lTdoiwIm aboes have to e ve belter ul iaf action SSTahoei becauie lua reputation lor Uie beat (tto an Dovola JStorrt In Ameriem ritiet filing direct from factor to wearer at one prvJUi amd. Itat awe aaucn tv-jvicltcre. TO IL.BMILrAS ?5-so SHOES aaawaaawan UNION MADE Tl!!andard baa alwsrs l-m placed so hih fast in the W. L. DookIm tJ)i anl SSM ahoea than he can mt enewnere. i - VA, r Tjt . iri -i , , i.iMiin In Has world. Past Color Eyelets uaea. W. T Dou-las S3.00 and mBO shoes tMlhna naawi la SU-OA and BKJM shoe, and Tnolirt nnon hariar W. T Dous-las shoes on bottom- flhoea sent anywrie-e on r-eetpt of earrtaKe. Take meaaorenienta of lootaaanown : wa widtb amallr worn: nlainoccaptoe; heavy. mefllnm W. L. DOUCl.U, FOR TOWN OR COUNTRY There is no more serviceable or simple engine WEBER JUNIOR a S4 H. F. engine suitable for grinding- feed, pnmbing water, shelling corn, &c, or tor run ning fans, presses, churns, batchers' machinery, sheeDshearina: machines, etc Complete with water and gasoline tanks and pipes. Starting Lever. Driving Pulley, Wrenches, Oilers, etc., all ready- for business. Heavy- balance wheels. One operating valve, w eignt oao lbs. UEBER CAS ft GASCUIE EKSiSE CO.' P. a Box 111. KANSAS CITY, MO. T3TSIST ON GETTrNO rr. Some itroueis say they don't keep Te ls because they have nance Starch. This a stock on band of lng only 12 ox in a won't be able to i nance contains 1C 01 Do you want 16 for same money T Starch. Requires ; other brands contain package. which they ell first, because De b for the same money, ox Instead of 12 ox Then buy Defiance ao ceoklnc a.s a. Latxaaiver. Ctl. ft-.w York.N.Y. fifty cerxts pe-r- bottle-. T notation of W. I excelled ail other tMii won I T Tllfrit than oi lier 13X0 and X40 auoea imu bo 522 W. L DOUGLAS 1 ata.oo t.ilt .fcusre l Line Cannot Be Equaled at Any Price. the wearer receives more valne for his mo for his money a-emade of trie same hi;h-Tade are lust a PUKI la every way. with name and price stamped. prill "d2i"1on1 IoT wyi " or ngn aotea. brncmon, ma. USE than the V Cat No, t a a-a M. P. Weber Jr. OssoHne Engine. 24x72 Ins. ' Specs, 275 rev. W. N. U. Kansas City No. 50,1901 rji.,ruiii; Ail HSt .HUS. i I I Beat Cough Syrup. Tastes Good. Use I I m time- etoia or arowtigia. r ' It 3