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Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, August 02, 1902, Image 3

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WITH THE HUMOEISTS
IOKES AND JESTS TURNED OUT
BY OFFICIAL FUN MAKERS.
An Expensive Kind of Shopping Kind
sf Scientific Research Summer Girl
Was Interested In A Man and His
Heart.
Home Remedies.
The following simple remedies are
Riven for the benefit of those who
have formed the habit of taking pat
ent medicinx's. Everybody is advised
to give these remedies a fair trial;
they surely can do no good and may
do some harm:
To Cure Toothache When tooth
begins to jump tie same down by
means of stout rope, so that jumping
is impossible. If tooth continues to
ache go to some dentist who has a
pull.
To Cure Insomnia Shut your eyes
and count gray sheep, which you must
imagine you see jumping over a pair
of bars. Count from sheep No. 1 up
to sheep No. 57,432. By that time it
will be daylight and you will be
obliged to get up.
To Relieve Distress After Eating
Stop eating.
To Remove a Wart Try filing it
off and if the wart does not succumb
to this use a stump puller. If this
fails try saying words over it, but
don't swear so hard that the neigh
bors will hear you. Ohio State Jour
nal. Her Researches.
"1 hope, my dear," her father wrote,
'that you are not frittering away your
time at the seashore.
"Certainly not," she replied. "I am
engaged in scientific research."
Thereupon the father was so pleased
that he wrote to his wife for further
particulars.
"As near as I can make out," was
the reply he received, "her scientific
research consists of a deep interest
in sun-spots. She is flirting with a
freckle-faced youth."
A Man and His Heart.
Once upon a time there was a rich
old man who had a heart so weak
that its faint beatings could hardly be
heard; yet, in the metaphor of our
time, tkat same heart was filled with
love for a fairy lady.
The laay heard of her wooer's phys
ical and financial condition, and
looked upon his suit with extreme fa
vor. The result was that they were
married.
Moral Faint heart sometimes wins
fair lady.
A Terpsichorean Finish.
"I could just die dancing," avows
the maiden fair to see, who has been
two-stepping on the hotel piazza.
"Ah," smiles her escort, "as Shake
speare might have said, you could
'double-shuffle off this mortal coil." "
At first she was inclined to ask for
an introduction to Mr. Shakespeare,
but she contented herself with assur
ing her escort that he was just dread
ful. A Hot One.
Newriche Mere word3 can't express
iny great love for you.
Miss Cutting Try figures, then.
Smart Boy.
"How is your boy getting along at
school?"
"Splendidly splendidly! I tell you,
my friend, this boy of mine will make
hi3 way in the world, don't you fear.
During the time he's been going to
school they have had thirty-two ex
aminations, and he's managed to
dodge every one of them." Glasgow
(.Scotland) Times.
All He Needed.
Fogg Oh, yes; he had a great deal
to say about you. For one thing, he
declared there were the makings of a
great man in you.
Dumleigh Did he? But that wasn't
bad, now.
Fogg He said you had a good shell,
nil you needed was the filling. Bos
ton Transcript.
A Gentle Hint.
' '"Varies And now that you are go
.f in to the beach I hope you will
iw,eorget me. I think I will put a
string around your finger.
Catharine (.coyly) Why not a ring?
It Probaby Was.
"Here's a book that teils about the
best method of getting accepted"
"What is It a bank book?"
Probably "Extra."
A visitor at a certain exposition wai
seated at a table In one of the high
priced restaurants in the expositor
grounds, thinking about various thingi
as he read over the bill of fare ant!
observed the prices.
"By jingo!" he exclaimed to ths
waiter. "Haven't you got any con
science at all in this place?"
"Beg pardon," returned the haughty
servitor.
"Haven't you got any conscience
conscience conscience don't you un
derstand?" The waiter picked up the bill 1
fare and began looking it over.
"I don't know if we have or not,
he said; "if we have it's on the bill;
if we ain't its an extry. Them's th
rules, sir."
There Are Other
He Trent shopping to-day and spent
a hundred dollars.
She What kind of shopping?
He Bucket shopping.
Where the Fun Came In.
"Oh, yes," said . the young house
keeper, "I keep a complete set of
household account books, and it's
more fun than a little."
"Fun!" ejaculated the neighbor.
"Yes, indeed. I enjoyed it so
much."
"Enjoy what?"
"Why, watching my husband tryiag
to straighten them out for me, ol
course. I get him to do it about once
a week."
Conscience Forbids.
A. Why didn't you congratulate
Lorimer on his marriage?
B. I couldn't conscientiously do
that; I don't know his wife.
A. Well, then you might have
wished her joy.
B. I couldn't reasonably do that,
for I do know Lorimer! Ladies'
Field.
Losing Opportunities.
The automobile had Droken down,
and the chauffeur was busy trying to
discover the trouble. The impatient
owner of the machine at last broke
out:
"Hurry up, Felix! There are a lot
of people crossing the street that we
are missing!"
Insurance.
Sweet Girl I am loved by two men.
and I cannot make up my mind which
to marry. What would you advise?
Old Lady Get both to insure their
lives in your favor and then wait un
til one of them dies. That will insure
the constancy of the other. New
tork Weekly.
An Artistic Triumph.
Artist (to fair critic) What do you
think of my picture of a peasant girl?
Fair Critic Perfectly lovely. But
where did you ever get the model for
such a lovely picture hat?
Artist (sadly) That's not a picture
hat. She is carrying home a bundle
of hay.
His Counter Question.
Mrs. Hawkbill (severely) Is H
true. Captain, that you shouted to your
men to give the enemy er hell?
Captain Blankblank Well, madam,
what should I have ordered them to
give the enemy hand-painted fire
screens? Judge.
The Hint Direct.
"I don't believe you love me a bit!"
sobbed his wife.
"But I do, darling! I "
"Don't tell me! It's unnatural you
should. No man could love a woman
who wears such old hats as I do ! "
London Answei-3.
Needed a Lot.
Mr. Slimpurse (after a decided re
fusal) I know what the matter la.
It's because I am poor. Tou would
marry me if I was rich.
Miss Gailie (thoughtfully) Perhaps
so, but you would have to be rery,
very rich.
Had Reason to Know.
Cohenstein Vot makes you t'ini
you last fire was caused py rats
gnawing madches?
Isaacstein Veli, I sprlngled a pound
of powdered cheeze over a box of
madcaes der night pefore!
Very Dull Meeting.
"Well, did the club have a pleasant
time?" asked her husband, when his
woman's rights wife returned home.
"No. we didn't," she snapped. "Not
a single member was absent, and we
had nothing to talk about."
He Was Wide.
"Trs," said the fat man, "I ll-re In
Swamphurst, but I don't know . the
man you speak of."
"That's funny; he said he had
wide acquaintance In Swamphurst.
and I naturally thought he meant
you."
-
Kansas Notes 2
sir
' The Light Grain company of Enter
prise was extinguished a few days ago
Christ Hoffman bought it out at six
points.
From the number of drownings re
ported in last week's Kansas ex
changes, the streams are stocked prio
cipally with cramps.
With pork selling around eight cents,
the Delphos Republican affirms that
'that curl in the pig's tail takes on
additional grace and beauty."
Mr. Ow, a grocer in Eldorado, is be
ieved to have the shortest name in the
state. The only abbreviation for this
name is a shrug of the shoulders.
In order that there may be no con
fusion in the matter, an Ottawa re
porter explains that the term "en
banc, which has been breaking isito
the papers, has to do with the supreme
;ourt, and not with a billiard game, as
many supposed.
A jury in the probate court in To
peka has released John Tirnm of Lyon
county from the asylum for the in
sane. Timm's "eccentricity" consisted
n shooting two officials of a bank in
which his savings of twenty years had
been lost.
While a lot of other towns in Rush
:ounty were telling what they were
going to do. Rush Center put in a tele
phone exchange and that's what
talks.
"If the men," says Anna Carlsoa in
the Lindsborg News, "had the courage
to tell the truth as plainly as the
mirror tells it, there would be fewer
vain and silly women."
Out in the Russian settlement in
Russell county Miss Pauna Dyesewow
eickensekize and Joseph Andrinykew
empsicy were married last week. One
account says the names extended
through the vestry out into the
street.
A man went into a dry goods s.or
in Atchison a few days ago, the Globe
says, and wanted to look at some ten
cent socks. He said he wanted them
fancy as the black ones wore out
quickly. He told the clerk that he
once bought his wife a ten cent pair of
black stockings and that she wore r
hole in thsm in three months.
An "agent" buncoed a large number
of farmers in Geary county out of $74
each by selling them a new fangled
refrigerator which he guaranteed
would keep its contents cool without
the use of any ice.
"Kansas will raise four times as
many apples as last year, and they
will be of finer quality." This is the
forecast cf Mr. Wellhouse, the "apple
king."
A little girl in Emporia has a watch
chain but no watch, so she ties a rag
to it and wears it anyhow. When
asked what time it is she replies chat
it Is rag time.
When "Dummy" Burson knocked a
home run in Chanute the other day he
raused at third base long enough to
accept a $5 bill which was thrust at
him by an enthusiasMc rooter who
rushed over the coaching line.
- F. G. Crowell. one of the regents 01
the state university, refers to the
great institution as "the most distin
guished pauper in the state." Its ap
propriations for maintenance are only
$30,000 larger than they were fifteen
years ago.
This will be a great year for "break
fast foods." The oat crop in Cowley
county is threshing out 104 bushel?
to the acre.
According to the Grant county Re
publican a- young lady out here has
such a beautiful neck that she wears
a barb wire necklace.
Thre of the six prisoners In tht
Oswego jail escaped last week and the
people of Lafayette county have vis
ions of a very Traceyesque time.
Kansas never expected the price oi
corn to remain at ninety cents, cor
ner or no corner. If it will hovel
around fifty cents Kansas will feel
well repaid.
Is there none to accommodate tht
First National Bank of Columbus? I
is advertising for some one to borrow
$25,000 which it doesn't know what
to do with.
A crop report gathered by a grain
trade journal indicates that this year'?
wheat will not exceed 35.C00.00C
bushels,
A man in Kickapoo sold a billy goat
last week for $60. "Nobody but a
Kansas man," declares a local enthu
siast, "could have got sixty cents for
him."
Two Arkansas City men have gont
to Thunder Mountain in quest of gold
and one of the papers, for the sake ol
brevity, notes that they have gone tc
Thunder.
If Lawrence begins to manifest an
unusual itching, the rest of the state
may know why. Ex-Chancellor Snow
has returned from Western Kansas
with samples of 10.000 kinds of Id
sects.
Captain R. M. Spivey of Topeka has
been made "inspector of eating
houses" for the Santa Fe system. Mr
Spivey has for many years been the
general passenger and ticket agent oJ
a boarding house In Topeka.
The body of Private Ritchie, who
jumped off a street car Into the Re
publican river at Fort Riley, Kan.,
and. was drowned, has been found In
the Kaw at St- George.
Try This.
It has been discovered that mos
quitos are susceptible to music and
have been trapped by .means of a de
vice giving, off a constant musical
note. This has been noticed by a
number of scientists, but the experi
ments have not been carried to
practical end. Baltimora Herald.
Peculiarities of the Maple.
Bird's-eye maple and curly maple
are both cut from the logs of the rock
maple tree, in which a oeautiful lus
trous grain Is produced by the sinu
ous course of the fibers. This tree Is
not at all the common hard maple, but
Is full of little knarls called eyes. Men
looking for bird's-eye maple logs go
through the standing timber ana pick
out the trees, paying for them from
$30 to $i0 a thousand feet in the
woods. Ordinary hard maple logs are
worth only from $6 to $7 a thousand
feet.
Plain Living In Scandinavia. .
Dyspepsia would no longer be the
national disease in America if the peo
ple of this country would adopt a plain
diet similar to that of Norway and
Sweden. "Gout is unknown among
the Swedes and Norwegians, and the
rosy cheeks and clear complexions of
the young- people of those countries
are the result of the simple food the
children eat," says a United States
counsel in a Norwegian city. Ameri
cans are being forced by the high
price of provisions to the same con
clusion. Relic of an Old Ship.
In the course of some excavations
which were being made in the river
Lea the other day, the old hulk of a
ship, supposed to belong to the Anglo
Saxon period, was discovered sunk
In the bed of the stream. From its
resemblance to an old picture in the
House of Commons it is thought that
the hulk may have belonged to a fleet
with which King Alfred foug'at the
Danes. It has now been removed to
the British Museum, together with
some other curios, ail found at the
same time.
Boston Wants Custom-House.
Boston is clamoring for a new custom-house
and expects the next con
gress to appropriate money for the
erection of a bigger and better ar
ranged building than the present old
structure in State street. ,The city's
merctants say that with collections
exceeding $20,000,000 a year and
much money now paid for rent of out
side premises the port merits the new
building and the government wuld
profit by erecting it.
What Might Have Been.
Sonoma, Mich., July 21st. Mr. De
los Hutchins of this place says: "If
I could have had Dodd's Kidney Pills
25 years ago I would not now be crip
pled as I am."
Mr. Hutchins spent from 1861 to
1864 in the swamps of Louisiana as
a northern soldier and with the re
sult that he contracted Rheumatism
which gave him much pain till Mr.
Fred Parker, the local druggist, ad
vised him to try Dodd's Kidney Pills.
The first two boxes did not seem
to help him very much, but Mr. Park
er, knowing that Dodd's Kidney Pills
would eventually cure him, pressed
Mr. Hutchins to continue and by the
time four boxes were used the short,
sharp, shooting pains which had tor
tured his back, hip, and legs were
entirely gone. Mr. Hutchins says:
"I can not tell you how much better
I am feeling. If it were not for the
way my hands, feet, and knees are
drawn out of shape I would be about
as good as ever."
The greatest success is confidence,
or perfect understanding between sin
cere people. Emerson.
DEFIANCE STARCH
should be in everv household, none so
good, besides 4 oz. more for 10 cents Uaan
any other brand of cold water starch.
A deceitful peace is more hurtful
than open war.
Clear white clothes are a sign that the
housekeeper uses Red Cross Ball Blue.
Large 2 oz. package, 5 cents.
When the day breads some men are
too lazy to make use of the places.
Hall's Catarrh Car
Is a constitutional cure. Price, 75c
Canada's railway mileage was only
2,087 In 1867. In 19,000 it was 17,824.
FITS Permanently Cnfd- fits or neT-rxmsiieas ansae1
first dny's ne f Pr. Kline's Great Nerve Restorer.
Send fur FREE 932.00 trial bottle and treatise.
Ua, B. H. KXiftK, Lru. IU1 ArcH St, raiiadelphia, i'a.
A new car coupling is being tried on
a German railway. It lessens the space
between the cars to 7.8 inches.
Stops the Oongh and
Works OAT tbe Colli
Laxative Bromo Quinine Tablets. Price 25c
The more mistakes a man makes the
easier It is for h'ua to invent excuses.
TBI PROBLEM WAS SOLVEU
Ty-ro Ren. (SaraKy Triple Treatment) ewvi
tryspepsia, Nervous Debility. Liver Troubles
and Constipation. Send this Toupon to R. J.
Sarasy & Co.. Janesvllle, Wis., for tree treat
ment. Absolutely guaranteed.
Piety, prudence, wit and civility are
the elements of true nobility.
Defiance Starch is put up 16 ounces
In a package, 10 cents. One-third
more starch for same money.
Love can neither be bonght nor
sold; its only price is love.
X am sore Plso's Cure for Consumption saved
my life three years ago. Mrs. Thos. RoBBUra.
Maple Street, Norwlan. K. Y- Feb. 17. 1900.
Only a great man can successfully
dodge underserved glory.
The Sleeping Sickness. -The
dispatch of a commission y
the British government to investigate
the "sleeping sickness" In Uganda
promises to throw some light on one
of the most mysterious maladies
known. The characteristic feature of
the disease is the falling, asleep of
the patient, who remains profoundly
slumbering in spite of the effort of
the doctors. Sleeping sickness or
"negro lethargy," is a deadly disease
which has Ions been known in West
Africa, but bas recently traveled along
the Kongo lnte Uganda.
PELVIC CATARRH
CAUSES
Palpitation of the Heart, Cold Hands and Feet, Sinking
Feelings Pe-ru-na Cures Catarrh Wherever Located.
- -ft A A. A A . A A -e. A at at .tfc . afc ah safcaS. stfc A at A afc
Mrs. X.Schneider, 2400 Thirty-seventh,
Place, Chicago, I1L, writes:
"After taking several remedies
without result, I began In January,
1901, to take your valuable remedy,
Peruna. I was a complete wreck.
Had palpitation of the heart, go d
hands and feet, female weakness, no
appetite, tremblings sinking feeling
nearly all the time. You said I was
suffering front systemfc catarrh, and
I believe that I received your help In
the nick of time. I followed your
directions carefully and can say to-day
that I am well again. I cannot thank
you enough for my cure. I will always
be your debtor. I ha ve already recom
mended Peruna to my friends and
neighbors and they all praise it. I
wish that ell suffering women would
try it.- I testify this according to the
truth." Mrs. X. Schneider.
Over half the women have catarrh in
some form or another. And yet, prob
ably, not a tentb. of the women know
that their disease is catarrh. To dis
tinguish catarrh, of various organs it
ias been named very differently.
THERFS NO USE ARGUING
Defiance Starch b tbe very beat Search sTtlfli
h'a a act.
Hundreds will testify to B.
Try it once yourself.
We guarantee satisfaction or money KkV.
can't lose.
Defiance Starch b absolutely free from. rSrrrtfc
h nukes the clothes look beautiful and will not rot
Get It of your grocer.
16 ounces for 10 certs one-third more Chan
you get of any other brand..
THE DEFIANCE STARCH CO.,
I OMAHA. NEB. PSS V
1 - -Jfi.
H I? I SHTI Ii I I EGl E 75,otO. New Auditorium. Wa.000.
aTS " WUlaaaVII- Academic Decree, School! ol
FOR WOMEN. 52d Year, I Music, Art and Orator y. An elegant College Home.
Exclusive Patronage. For Catalogue, address Secretary Christian College, Columbia, Ma,
Famous Institutions.
Prof. J. F. Draughon, Proprietor of
Drausjhon's Practical Business Colleeres.
Nashville. St. Louis. Atlanta. Montgom
ery, Ft Worth, Galveston, Little Rock
and Shreveport. states that about three
thousand students have enrolled at his
colleges for personal instruction during
past year, and that several thousand are
taking; his correspondence course of
Home Study. Prof. Draughon'a CoMesrea
are en-iorsed bv business men from Maine
to California. "See his art. elsewhere in
this Issue, and write for his catalogue.
Address as follows: Dept. K7, Draugbon's
College, St. I o;-t Vo.
Only a mean man enjoys seeing an
other man's wife smoke a cigarette. '
If you don't get the biggest and best
it's your own fault. Defiance Starch
is for sale everywhere and there is
positively nothing to equal it in qual
ity or quantity.
To obtain confidence it is often
essary to confide.
DO-TOCB CLOTHES LOOK IKCLOWT
If so. roe Red Cross Bail Blue. It will make
them white as iuuw. 2 oz. package 5 cents.
Flattery is always dished out to
other people never to us.
AX.TOX HSI ST.
TRAIN SERVICE.
Pzssengers destined to St. Louis'
an points east should go via the Kan
sas City gateway, thereby securing
the advantage of the Chicago & Alton '
fast night train, leaving Kansas City
at 9 p. m.. arriving in St. Louis at 7: OH
a. m. Chair cars free of extra charge
Compartment sleeping cars. The Al
ton keeps their ligkt a'shining Just
ahead of the rest. Write ''to L. J5
Coo Der. Traveling Passenger Agent
Chicago Alton Railway. Kansas City
mo. fear towsst rates.
One woman has dyspepsia, another
bronchitis, another liright's disease,
another liver complaint, another con
sumption, ano'her female complaint.
These women would be very much sur
prised to hear that they are all suffer
ing' with chronic catarrh. But it is BO,
nevertheless.
Each one of these troubles and a great
many more are simply catarrh that is
chronic inSammation of the mucous
lining of whichever organ is affected.
Any internal remedy that will cure ca
tarrh in one location will cure it in any
other. This is why Peruna has be
come so justly famous in the cure of
female diseases. It cures catarrh
wherever located. Its cures remain.
Peruna does not palliate it cures.
Hon. Joseph B. Crowley. Congressman
from Illinois, writes from Robinson, 111.,
the following1 praise for the great ca
tarrhal tonic Peruna. Congressman
Crowley says:
'Mrs. Crowley bas taken a number
of bottles of Peruna on account oi
nervous troubles. It bas proven m
strong tonic and lasting cure. I can
cheerfully recommend It." J. B.
Crowley.
A catarrh book sent free by The Pe
runa Medicine Co., Columbus, Ohio.
If you do not derive prompt and satis
factory results from the use of Peruna,
write at once to Dr. Hartman, giving1 a
full statement of your case and he will
be pleased to give you his valuable ad
vice gratis.
Address Dr. ITartman, President of
The Hartman Sanitarium, Columbus,
Ohio.
- als.
them.
A LAWN SETTEE
MADE ENTIRELY
OF HARDWOOD...
and Painted Two Coats.
Very Durable.
Delivered at your ralV
road station for
$llOOlM
, THOtTSAJTDS IN USE.
CULVER LUMBER & FJSFQ. 00.
KANSAS CITY. U. 8. A.
,.rVKAYV,, fit
aaaaaaciTT. ata.
(VI O R P H I JM E
f T f T T T3 Cocaine. CblortlT Opium mnd To-bac-i
lUt cured in tn day.
Ka-r -n-hert cored. No .uXerfn?. KOBlUBua
LKiriTTJlE, 413 X..jLit0 Eiag.. Eaaidi City, Mo.
BRCWg'S BUSINESS COLLEGE
ftiegrapiy, Slurthaad, BocJUtupiB;. I2ii St., &tj, I.
1,000 NEWSPAPERS
Are dost using our
International Type-High Plates
Sawed to
LABOR-SAVING LENGTHS.
Thcv will jav tim? in your eoroposlnff room
E iaer can be hanuifcJ even quicker thap tvp
NTu extra charge is made tor rawing places u
SborX leoifths.
Send a trial order u this office and be coi
Tinced.
WESTERS NEWSPAPER TJSI0N,
CITK. HO.
CsCM a. ena, J

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