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WESTERN KANSAS WORLD
H. a GIVLER, Publisher. "WA-KEENEy, - - KANSAS There Is nothing humorous about humidity. Inscription for Tracy's tombstone: "The wages of sin is death." Flirtation rhymes with vacation this summer, Just as it always did. Mining coal with bayonets is not a happy solution of the strike problem. Death succeeded In arresting Tracy, but the deputy sheriffs claim the re ward. The crown prince, we hope, did not throw his birthright in the face of the kaiser. In case we should annex Haytl, would we also have to annex the Haytian generals? Being crowned and convalescent, King Edward has now become quite an uninteresting personage. Bandit Tracy did not die in vain. He has achieved- a place In the wax figure class at dime museums. Some of the baseball players say they believe in respecting contracts Ah, the game isn't what It useu to be! Kansas City bartenders are threat ening to strike for shorter hours. Vve kave no hesitancy in hoping they will win. The girl's mother says that story about the prince's infatuation isn't true. But do girl s mothers always know? Premier Sagasta is about to retire from the command of the Spanish ship of state. Look out for another wreck. When a visitor takes an hour of Mr. Schwab's, time he may be said to be squandering money with reck less prodigality. When all the railways get through combining, guess whether it will be Morgan or Rockefeller who will own the entire bunch. As to that Chicago woman who cowed a burglar Just by looking him In the eye well, say! what couldn't she do to a husband? Until Dr. Depew is interviewed con cerning the coronation the United States will not feel sure that every thing in Great Britain is as it should be. Incidentally the generous gift of Os borne house, made by King Edward to the English people, will relieve the donor of the large cost of its mainte nance. J. Plerpont Morgan denies that his Ship deal isn't going through, and re gards it as a kind of sacrilege that the ridiculous report should have been started. The New Hampshire paper that has Just published a Christmas poem is either forcing the season or behind the times. You may draw your own conclusions. Society notes are being sifted pretty close in New York, where the Information is telegraphed that the baby camel of Central Park has a pair of new boots. A Missouri editor who threatened to write an article entitled "Hell and Who Will Be There" has been warned against the publication of libelous mat ter by the entire town. May Yohe and Strong have met again. Now If they will clasp hands and stroll far into some deep, dark cavern, pulling the cavern in after them, all will be forgotten. The deceptive toadstool; which looks like a mushroom, is doing its best to reduce the contingent of the superfluous population that lives through the drowning season. Ex-Queen Liluokalanl Is grumbling because she has to pay an income tax of $150 on her annual allowance of $7,500, but she ouga; to remember that she is in luck to have an Income to be taxed. A Cincinnati health officer has be gun a campaign against dirty paper currency because it carries disease germs. Most people In Cincinnati tr elsewhere would be glad to expose themselves frequently. Gaynor and Greene have been set at liberty by the Canadian court. Per haps the next time this government tries to get a man extradited it will pick out somebody who has no money to hire eminent lawyers. The czar has just presented the kaiser a gold smoking set, and the kaiser has just given the czar a gold writing set. The rest of us meaner mortals will have to wait till Christ mas before we can afford to swop pres ents. The boy at Chester, Pa., who swims so much that he dreamed he was diving the other night and found when he came to himself that be had dived head foremost down a flight of stairs, ought to have a tub of cold water set beside his bed. THE One amid sleep I saw the twelve sweet hours. Go llg-htly along, gay sisters, hand In hand. Some with gold Heinous hair and faces bland. Some dusky as night, and wearing stars like flowers, "Ah. lovely!" I murmured but the secret powers Of slumber. Issuing an occult command. Changed these fair wanderers to a ' mournful band That moved with earthward brows Soaked Blue Jeans Willi a,ms A Twenty-sixth Ohio veteran writes : "I am reminded of a joke on Blue Jeans Williams. Although there is no record of it Williams saw service in the army. I was at Camp Morton, Ind., when John Morgan made his raid through Indiana and Ohio. A force of 1,500 men belonging to a dozen different regiments was hastily organized and hurried off to Hamilton, Ohio. We arrived two hours after Morgan, were sent to Cincinnati, and from there up the Ohio river. But before we caught up with Morgan he was captured by another force, and we came down the river to Cincinnati and returned from there to Camp Mor ton. " "When we were organized before the start from Camp Morton, Col. John Coburn appointed Blue Jeans Williams adjutant of the mixed com mand, and Williams went through the campaign, or routine as the boys calied it, as adjutant. On the return trip, while at Cincinnati, one of the boys who had a great contempt for civilians, confiscated Blue Jeans' blankets, and the man who was at a later date Governor of Indiana was greatly Inconvenienced. He spent the night in the cars without blankets or overcoat and was thoroughly chilled. "When the sun came out the next Gold Hidden ir Civil W&r Saturday morning a stranger ap- . peared at the residence of Mrs. Sallie Prince and requested permission to go into the cellar and see if he could find a relic he had left there in the spring of 1863. He stated that he be longed to the Federal army and that a nephew of his had died in the house, it being at the time used as a hospi tal by the Union forces. The stranger further stated that at the time of his nephew's death he had concealed something of value in the cellar. Mrs. Prince readily granted the re quest and at once proceeded with him to the cellar. On entering the place the man took a tapeline from "his pocket and, making several measure ments, pointed to a spot in the rock wall, at the same time saying to Mrs. Prince, "This is the place. Will you allow me to make a small hole in the wall?" The permission being given the man at once made a small opening from which he drew out a tin snuffbox. Opening the box he poured out the contents and counted them. After he had finished the count he said to Mrs. Prince that It was all right, there be ing nine twenty-dollar gold pieces. making just $180. The stranger Joked WitK Gen. Leggett "The Wheaton reception the other night," said the Captain, "called up a good many stories of the old cam paigns when Wheaton was serving on Gen. Logan's staff. Gen. M. D. Leggett was as well known in Sher man's army for his temperance no tions and his religious "scruples as was O. O. Howard in the Eastern army. He didn't swear, but he was as gruff and violent in speech and manner as many of the hard swearers. His men liked .him, but they never joked about him or with him as they did with Sherman. His superiors and his subordinates knew that Leggett could not take a joke, and they were surprised when Captain Charlie Page of the Twentieth Illinois cracked a joke at his expense. "This was in January, 1864, on the march to Meridian. It was a lard march on everybody, and as Leggett passed our regiment he looked like a man who needed comforting. Capt. Page, who had a canteen loaded to the muzzle with whisky, a?ke-l Gen. Leggett as the latter rods up if he would not like to have a drink of good spring watr. Lecgctt said that nothing would sj!t htju batter, and Page, lifting his cacteen str&p froTn First Shot of tKe Civil Wa.r Capt- James M. Kenny cf Green wich, Conn., who is cow a messenger under the ser gat tt -arms, of the House of Repreeetv. Mnrs the distinction of bfr. so far a be is able to deteraine, the sole survivor of the crew vt the sldchiel steamer Star of the West, rhich became so famous at the baciaaing of tha civil war by reason cf Laving heea the tar get of the first shot fired in that mem orable struggle. Capt. Kenny, referring to some of the Incidents of his early l'le, said the other day: "When we were fired upon by the Confederates whil we were trying to take upplies to Major Anderson et Fort Sumter, I .-emember very well what a fscbng cf Indigna tion was aroused all over the North. Before that time 1 was attached to the steamship Atlantic of the old Col lins line, which took Ueut-Gen. Scott. Co I. Robert E.- Lee and Dr. Maury down to San Juan del Xorte, or Grey- HOURS. through leafless bowers. Then faintly across my dream a voice was borne, ' "The forms you first beheld, so blithe of mien. Look thus to eyes that hope's warm glory cheers; While they that walk funereal and for lorn. Though still the same, by differing eyes are Through shadows of anguish and cold mist of tears." Edgar Fawcett. morning, bright and warm, Williams put his feet out of the car window to warm them. The warmth was very agreeable, and he settled back in his seat in the position of a man with his feet on a table. He looked com fortable, but the boys resented de unmilitary act. The train stopped for water, and as it started again some of the boys on top of the cars caught up the rope from the tank and as the cars passed turned the water on the boys at the windows, instructing them to wash up for breakfast. When Blue Jeans' feet came in line the boys at the rope, asking no questions, pulled the valve wide open and drenched him from head to foot. "This caused an uproar. Col. Co burn ordering the guards to arrest the men who had turned the hose on his adjutant. Realizing that somebody had blundered, the water boys dis appeared from the tops of the cars and no one could give the Colonel or the Adjutant any information as to who they were or what became of them. Mr. Williams was made comfortable, and before the journey was over laughed at the incident aa a joke. When he was a candidate for Governor, some one told the story on him, but the way in which he took it helped him with the people." thanked the lady. and stated that he was going to Atlanta, Ga., and that he would return in a few days, when he would have something else to divulge. Mrs. Prince was so surprised at what was passing before her eyes that she was almost paralyzed. Many peo ple here remember the time when the house was occupied as a hospital dur ing the war, but few of them have any faith in the unknown ever putting in his appearance here again soon. It has now been nearly forty years since the money was hidden, according to the statement of the party who un earthed the treasure, and maay peo ple, believe that he came into posses sion of the knowledge of the where abouts of the hidden gold by finding a paper among the effects of some dead Federal soldier giving a description ol the place of its concealment. Partiee who have examined the place where the money was found stats that there is a small chamber in the ruck wall and that the imprint of the box is clearly visible-where it had remained so many years. Tullahoma (Tenn.) Exchange People never find a conscience until they are found out. his shoulder, handed the canteen tc Leggett, who raised it at once to his lips. "The look on Leggett's face as the whisky went into his mouth was in describable. He spit it out without a moment's hesitation, and, holding the canteen mouth downward, flung it at Page, shouting: 'You infernal scoun drel! What do you mean by offering me whisky? I can't and I won't ex cuse such impertinence.' Page made a jump to save the whisky that was gurgling out of the canteen, and then begged that he might be permitted tc apologize. "He said, with extreme earnest ness: "Why, General, when I said spring water I supposed you under stood that I had a very fine article of whisky. That is what we call it ail through the division, and I will venture to say that there is not an other man in your corps that does not know what spring water means, in the army vernacular. Therefore 1 thought you understood the situation.' Leggett rode away and afterward complained to the Colonel of the Twentieth Illinois that he had been insulted by Page." Chicago lotei Ocean. town, to settle some difficulty between Nicaragua and the United States. - 'I remember that soon after we sail ed the ship's carpenter was ordered tc knock out a partition between two berths in order to provide accommo dations sufficiently roomy for the con venience of the portly old general. I was acting as storekeeper, and Capt Jeff Maury, who was in command of the vessel, and who was a cousin ol Dr. Maury, ordered me to entertain Gen. Scott in various ways during the trip, one of my duties being to play checkers with him.- The general was very fond of the game and usually beat me hands down." Washington Post. Trust not the woman that thlnketh more of herself than another; mercy will not dwell in her heart. A real clever woman thiVm it- business to look very dense at times. THE flUMOB OF LIFE. ATTEMPTS OF THE FUNNY MEN TO BRIGHTEN EXISTENCE. Pretty Compliment Paid by Youthful but Enthusiastic Lover Prospec tive Hired Girl Wanted Additional Compensation. Knew Their Ways. How much do you want?" asked the woman, looking up from her desk. "Five dollars a week," answered the applicant for a position In the kitchen. "Ill try you," said the woman. SUU the girl hesitated. "Beg pardon, mum " she said at last, "are you one of those writer women?" "Yes; I have a department of house hold economics and home hints in the Ladies' Own Gazette." "Do you try your schemes In your own house?" "Certainly." "Then 111 have to have $8 a week for the wear and tear on me nerves, announced the girl with decision. Synonymous. A French gentleman, rescued from a ducking In the river and taken to an adjacent tavern, was advised to drink a tumbler of very hot brandy and water, and thus addressed the waiter who was mixing it: "Sir, I shall thank you not to make It a fortnight." "A fortnight!" replied Joe. "Hadn't you better take it directly?" "Oh, yes," said monsieur, "directlr to be sure; but not a fortnight not two week." Boys of the Empire. Matter of Reciprocity. "Araminta, run over to the next door neighbor and see if you can't borrow some dishes." "But man, we don't need any dishes." "That doesn't make any differenoe. They've been looking over our fur niture, from the wash wringer to the sewing machine. It's about time we took our turn at inspecting their goods and chattels, with a view to determining their social status." Distrustful Father. "Herbert has a lovely disposition said Ethel. "Yes," answered Ethel's father, "Herbert's disposition is too lovely. I shouldn't like to trust your future to his hands. He is the sort of per son who will be imposed on without resenting it. I have known him to go to a ball game and not want to fight the umpire when' he gave an unjust decision against the home team." One Beauty of Golf. May Putter Everybody is talking about the way you let Jack Huggard kiss you on the links yesterday. Belle Hazard Well, I just couldn't help it. I was teeing off when he asked me if he could have just one kiss, I yelled "fore," and he took them. On the Vaudeville Stage. The Soubrette. What did the earth quake say to the mountain? The Comedian. - Shake. ' As Represented. . Silas Crawfoot was awfully . dis appointed the other day. He sent a dollar away for a spicy story. Thought he was going to get some thing about divorces and scandals. Cyrus What did he get? Silas Why a pamphlet entitled. "Hew They Raise Cloves in Ceylon." Foolish Man. Postal Clerk "You'll have to put another stamp on that letter!" Miss Pert "Why?" Postal Clerk "Because It's over weight." Miss Pert "But gracious! Another stamp would make it still heavier." Sensitive. "Oh, It's nothing. The girl fainted. The man with her says she Is from Boston." "What caused her to faint?" "Some careless person happened to mention winter flannels in her hear ing." In Doubt. Oldbache. I suppose you find It very annoying when the baby is fret ful. Nupop. It's very annoying. You cant tell whether you ought to give him medicine for the colic or a spank- to ,or tl3 crankks. J rf Easy on the Jury. A group of Representatives were in the cloakroom yesterday telling stories of their experience in court, when Delegate Smith contributed this incident from Arizona. Out In one of the border towns a case was in progress, one of the lawyers being an Eastern man who was new to the country. Will you charge the jury, your Honor?" he asked, when the evidence had been submitted. "Oh, no, I guess not," replied the Judge. "I never charge them any thing. They don't know much any how, and I let 'em have all they can make." A Tale of Hard Luck. "Lady," said Meandering Mike, "de only trouble wit me is bad luck." "But you don't try to get work." "You wrongs me, lady. But I changed me perfession at de wrong time. About de 1st of December I started . in as lawnmower an' I got bo discouraged dat a cuple o' weeks ago I concluded to go to cuttin ice; an' I ain't got no work yet," Incomparable. "Oh, Mary, I don't believe dere was ever er wax statue as beautiful aa you is." Chicago American. Noah's Impression. "Well," said the shade of Captain Kidd to the shade of Noah, "you needn't be so nifty about not associat ing with me. Why if I remember cor rectly, you were the original man to scour the sea, and if it hadn't been for you, fellows in my line of business never would have existed." "That's so," agreed Noah, unbend ing, a trifle, "and I believe l nave never been given due credit for mak ing the meat trust possible." A Household Hint. "I shall never permit myself to be- come a household drudge, said the young woman. "I shall endeavor to improve my mind." "That is a good Idea," , answered Miss Cheyenne; "but don't let your If literary pursuits monopolize you. Re- Kansas regiment. "" member there are times when currant Controversy over the Lansing skull jelly appeals to a man a great real should be referred to George W. Mar more than current fiction." tin, secretary of the State Historical An Explanation. I suppose you will be glad to get away from Congress and get a little rest." "My friend," answered the states- mad, "you misinterpret the situation. When a man goes to his own state he is got to look after elections night and day. He goes home to hustle. If he's lucky he gets to Congress, where there is a chance to rest." If Merely a Joke. Gusher You may not believe it, but I've never had an unkind word from my wife in all my life. Henpeck Oh, don't try to spring that old chestnut on me. Gusher What old chestnut? Henpeck You want me to say: How did you' manage that?" anc then you'll say: "I never got mar ried." Crushing Blow. 'I think I never saw Squibob sa utterly crushed as he was when his first poem appeared in the Daily Bread." 'What was the matter? Some typo graphical error in the poem?" 'No; that wasn't It. What crushed him was that the paper was sold for 2 cents a copy that morning, just as usual." Ever After. Yes," said the writer of children's fairy stories, "I'm going to sell this story In Chicago." Why so?" 'Because it ends with the sentence: And so the beautiful Princess and the handsome Prince were divorced and lived happily ever after! " Summer School. 'I hear that Claribel has given up her music lesson," remarked Mabel. 'Yes," responded Genevieve, "but she has taken up another study. "What is it?" "Why haven't you heard? George is trying to teach her to love him." An Amateur. Sue If that young man ehonld ask for a kiss would you think he was silly? Belle Certainly. Sue That's strange. Belle Not at alL If he wasn't silly I he'd take it without asking. I What It la. - I "What is it," she asked, "that I makes men sucn deceivers?" I women, ne answered promptly. I And you can look at it from several I points of view and still see that he I was right. Didnt Know Her. When the ark was just over Genoa Mrs." Noah burst forth at poor Noah, "Who's this Joan of Arc? ' . You are keeping her 4ark! O, no; I don't know her," said Noah. Kansas Notes g "Now, honest," says the Neodesha Register, "isn't this 'youngest grand mother business getting tiresome? Monday Wichita dug up one only 39 years old, Tuesday Chanute found one Only 32, and Wednesday Coffeyvllle slid in with one only 31." R. J. Alexander of Anthony Is writ ing his reminiscences of fifty years ago. He was a trapper with Kit Car son. - John Dark of Galena is a Caucasian all right, but he makes his name good by holding down the position of night policeman. The man who makes a living by permitting nails to be driven into his skull has reached Pittsburg. One nail was imbedded so firmly that it was necessary to take him to a ma- chine shop to have it removed Hiawatha is one of the few towns in Kansas that is able to claim ten acres to each inhabitant. Atchison has contracted with the Banda Rossa for the Corn carnival and is so pleased about it that the band is referred to by its full name 'The Red Band of Italy." The dispute as to whether the over ture from "Tannhauser" is really ele gant music or only a jumble of loud poises has reached Howard. The Cour- ant expresses the belief that "any man who likes music and can't get gobs of good out of 'Tannhauser is beyond our comprehension. " Mack Cretcher of the Sedgwick Pan- tagraph went to the top of Pike's Peak; a few days ago in the same car with Howard Gould, Mrs. Gould and Mrs. Gould's maid. "The ywere not in clined to be chummy," he writes, "so we didn't find it out until their names appeared in the Pike's Peak Herald." 2 The Leavenworth Times rebukes a Lawrence paper which is perpetually harping on the theme of Kansas City' gall." "The 'gall' of Kansas City,1 Colonel Anthony says, "has stood her in good stead on more. than one occa sion. Without it she never would have amounted to more than a whistling sta tion for Leavenworth or Lawrence." 3 Nearly every town in Kansas has reported a plague of some kind this summer. Ottawa has a "plague of noisy dogs." The "meanest man" made his ap- pearance in Atchison this week. He asked a blind man to change a dollar for him, and then gave him a Mexi can dollar. General Funston has agreed to at tend the reunion of the Twentieth society, for settlement. "Q. V. Gunz: Pack my box with delf jars," is not a very intelligible line. and its only claim to interest is that it is the shortest sentence yet devised .containing every letter in the alphabet. It contains twenty-seven letters, and a" is the only one duplicated. J. M. Householder of Winfield composed it. In Meriden the principal duty of the town marshal consists of cutting the weeds. Parsons wants to break into the Missouri valey base ball league next season. Parsons is not much further away fro mthe Missouri valley than Fort 'Scott, Chanute, Joplin, Iola and the other league towns. Without wishing to prolong the youngest grandmother" contest un duly, the Ottawa Republic tells of a grandfather there who is only 21 years old. He married a widow of twice his age, with grown children. A clergyman in Western Kansas in relating recently the story of Job, said: "Every manner of affliction was heaped upon him. His servants were taken, from him, and his herds, and his chil dren. His wife was left with him." In a recent teachers' examination in Kansas one of the questions was: Which is the farther north Venice, Italy, or Boston, Mass.?" Most of the teachers supposed Boston is, but they were wrong. J. W. Rout, a militiaman, has been arrested at Emporia for wearing his soldier trousers while doing manual labor. "These trousers," says the Ga zette, "belong to the state. Rout's de fense Is that he had to wear the state's trousers or stay in bed, and if he stayed in bed he would starve. Here is a case for lawyersH. A Montgomery county boy was leav ing his home to seek his fortune lu the city, and his father, when the time came for saying good-by, used the op portunity to deliver some good ad vice. "Beware of gamblers, son," he said, "they'll skin you. Leave cards alone; don't touch 'em. They're worse'n the plague. But if you must play, shuffle and cut, son, shuffle and cut. They'll skin you just the same, ' son, but it'll take 'em longer." An artificial lake is to be dug in Northside park, Hutchinson, surround ed by a forty-foot driveway, "so that the public can drive about and watch the swimmers and skaters. Atchison boasts of a man who has fifteen suits of clothes and five over- coats, but doesn't say how long he has been in accumulating them An old toper In Neodesha drank sixteen ounces of lemon extract and died. A man in Ellinwood came upon the city scavenger, who was trying to per suade his horse to pull a load of rub bish through the city frog pond. Won't your horse draw" asked the " man. "Yes, replied the owner, "he draws the attention of every blamed ool that happens along."