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A CHINESE THEATER PARTY. An Indiana Girl* Under the Care of a Celestial, Sees a Chinese Drama. Mr. Tam Choi, the Chaperone—-The Inner Workings of a Chinese Temple of Thespis —The Orchestra and the Actors. Written for the Indianapolis Journal. Let me introduce you at once to the eminently agreeable Mr. Tam Choi, of San Francisco, a gentleman hailing direct from the Flowery .Kingdom, and looking it every inch, from the crown of hie head—spotting a majestic length of pigtail and a queer bamboo hat with light band and shiny, bulging top —down to the sole of his feet, encased in the regulation Celestial shoes, •with turn up toes and soles abnormally devel oped into strata of alternate black and white. Now, Tam Choi, besides being a full-blooded Chinaman, is morever a very affable and intelli gent one, as indeed, you may surmise from his occupation —that is, a part of his occupation—for -every morning he reports at the office of the “Wells-Fargo Express Company, where he is employed in redirecting the scores of Chinese letters which arrive daily by express, being safer than the customary mail route —and hence it happens that the yearnings of the Oriental souls to their severed friends are thus doubly ex pressed—first, on rice paper, and then, to clinch the matter, in Weils, Fargo & Co.’s most ap proved style. And since most of the postal clerks to whom these cargoes are turned over, no far from having a speaking acquaintance with the language, scarcely ever know it by sight, it follows that, were it not for the labors of onr Chinese friend, who translates tho pagan hieroglyphics into choice (that is, Tam Choi's) English as she is wrote, most of these Eastern effusions would in all probability bring up in the Dead-letter Office. This, in brief, is half his occupation; the other half is keeping a queer, musty little store, down near the Chinese quarter. Our party making tho acquaintance of Mr. Choi through a friend employed in the same office, we soon became on the best of terms, and one afternoon he astonished and pleased us not a little by gravely extending an invitation to ac company him to the theater that evening. We accepted at once with equal gravity, and later on repaired to our hotel to await his coming. At an early hour our friend presented himself, and we sallied forth. And now, if you imagine me about to spend the evening in the usual man ner of play-goere, listening to some Shakspear ean tragedy, to some new star, or possibly, to be edified by the latest jokes of the latest endmen of some Occidental minstrel show, you are quite mistaken. No, it was the Chinese theater for which we were bound, and presently, under the skilful guidance of our escort, we reached its entrance. Ascending a few steps aDd travers ing a narrow passage, we found ourselves in the auditorium, which was constructed in the ordi nary plan of theaters, save that the pit was ■very deep, and occupied solely by the Chinamen, all puffing away at long celestial pipes, while the high gallery was devoted equally exclusively to the China women and China babies, these lat ter of all varying ages, sizes and degree of lung power. Mr. Choi, it seems, had secured for us one of the few boxes on tlflgtoain floor, and into which he proceeded to usher us. The apartment itself was constructed of unpainted boards, and resem bled a huge stove-box more than anything else 1 can liken it to now. It was draped with cretonne curtains of the favorite Chinese red —which is really one of the richest colors in existence —and furnished with a number of straight wooden chairs. When all were comfortably seated, our host for the evening produced from some capacious pocket several large paper hags, pre senting one to each of us, as a sort of prudent f rovision against any demand of our inner men. nvestigatiDg the contents of these bags, they were found to contain all sorts of purely Chinese bonbons, exactly such as the natives of the Flowery Kingdom itself are wont to munch on such occasions; strange, unheard of nuts and delightfully mysterious saccharine com pounds, the unsolvable conundrum of whose make-up occupied us till the play began. But, first a word as to the stage, which displayed a bold and startling disregard to all accessories which are usually deemed indispensable to such a place. It had a scant row of footlights, which was, I believe, tbo only concession to the usual conventionalities. A number of Chi nos© lanterns were strung across the top, and a few oriental draperies fastened to the walls be hind, tho formalitios of drop-curtain and scen ery being totally and absolutely dispensed with. Thore wore two ordinary-sized doors, appearing in bold relief at the back of the stage, and which served for the entrance and exit of the actors—for there were no actresses; but as in the early history of the English drama, all the parts are assumed by men, it being deemed highly improper for the ladies to take to the theatrical field. The orchestra of this remarkable play house occupied a row of stiff chairs, placed informally upon the rear of the stage; and by and by this body com menced operations. They blew, pounded, thumped aud tooted, directing their frantic as saults upon tom-toms, drums, rattles and horns, not to mention numerous other unknown instru ments of strange and barbaric character. It is needless to state that the alleged music produced was of precisely the same character as the in struments, and the night began rapidly to as tune a hiacous aspect. Before long, however, this unique orchestra came to a pause from sneer exhaustion, the actors appeared, and the play 1 *gan. The dialogue was, of course, all in Chinese, but by watching the gestures, and by aid of the explanatory remarks which our host deemed it incumbent upon himself to make from time to time, we were enabled to understand the plot {>relly well. It seemed to be the usual tale of ove and woe —for, after all, are not the human interests of us human creatures pretty much the game the world over! But to our play. The cast seemed to comprise a slaut-eyed damsel, who, like Saxe's “little Minuee, the eldest daughter of wise Wankee,” had “skin the color of saffron tea,” and whose “nose was as flat as flat could he,'' “and then such feet, you’d scarcely meet, in the longest walk through the grandest street; and you might go seeking from Nanking to Pe kin, a pair so remarkably small aud neat.” "Which character being performed by a man, coupled with the fa<*t that the celestial sterner mt are never known to descend to such pedal absurdities as do the ladies, was a feat, or rather two feet, which I could not understand. The other characters were a stern parent and two saitora; one, deficient in this world’s goods, but fairly rolling in the affections of the saffron hued damsel; iu fact, he seemed to suitor to a t His rival, who seemed also to be the heavy villain of the piece, was the choice of the relent less parent, inasmuch as he, the villain, rejoiced in the possession of a large bag of jingling coins, which Sain Choi exultingiy informed us, were “real Mlexieandiolas,” [theonly kind which here paw current with Chinamen.) And right here, to digress for a moment, this last named performer brought most forcibly to mind the strange and laggard development of the Orieutal drama, of which he himself was a part and parcel. In fact, the whole tiling seems to me u sort of imperfect connecting link be tween the European drama of to day and the performances of ilia most ancient twins; as a link displaying some points of partial development, yet, withal, but scarcely emerged from the tram mels of hundreds of years ego: and purely East *rn though it is, yet resembling in style the old miraele plays and dramas of antique England tuid Europe perhans more than anything else bow in existence. There are, I believe, certain pn twain which, though long since extinct, and traced only by their fossil remains in other parts of the world, are yet still found living and flour ishing in that remarkable continent —Australia. And so the oriental drama reminds me, more than anything else, of these strange animals, which seem to belong to some past epoch, yet which, bv some unaccountable mischance,, are still to be seen in living, breathing form. There seems to be a curious and utter lack, in the Chinese theatre, of anything approaching to those finer touches or shadings of character and meaning to which wa are accustomed, and which we expect. In almost any other place it would, for instance, in the case of the heavy villain we have just alluded to, have been quite sufficient to have merely intimated his wealth, and one would have very satisfactorily seen in imagination thr rotund proportions of the money bag, and heard in fancy the seductive clink of the “Mlexican dlolas." Not so, however, with the guileless children of the Orient, and in the interesting and almost infautile crudity of their drama, everything must be plainly put before the audience: hence, to return to the illustration before us, the villain constantly appears with his jingling bag, and thus, by this material at tribute he is always plainly labeled. But to return to our play. The parent still continued relentless, and the suitors persistent; till at last, even to our half comprehending eyes and ears, the plot perceptibly thickened, and the climax seemed to be reached, when, just as the weeping damsel was about to be wed to the proprietor of the money-bag, just at this criti cal juncture, the poverty stricken rival rushed in, brandishing a huge and formidable weapon, which resembled a butcher’s cleaver. This spec tacle apparently so completely cowed and sub dued the prospective bridegroom that, without a word, and like a lamb to the slaughter, he meekly walked over to an adjoining table, laid his head down on, the edge, and without a shad ow of resistance, permitted his assailant to ele vate his fierce weapon, which he waved about with a savage flourish, and finally brought down with the traditional dull, sickening thud. It was with a feeling of immense relief, how ever, that one perceived it light on the table, at least two feet the other side of the victim’s throat. The proceeding was nevertheless in tended to indicate, as Mr. Choi assured us, that the quondam villain and rival was henceforth to be considered as wearing no head; which statement the gentleman in question himself further emphasized; by tumbling gracefully under the table, just as he might be supposed to do •were he genuinely decapitated. This sum mary execution so terrified the obstinate parent, that he discreetly and precipitately fled, wisely preferring that the now triumphant suitor should become the devoted cleaver to the damsel, for better or for worse, rather than that the cold steel article should be devoted to the damsel's parent. Meanwhile, the blissful lovers having, by this brilliant stroke at once happily rid them selves of the odious rival, and at the same time become the proprietors of that geutleman's tempting bag, they gave themselves no further concern about its former owner, whose supposed gory corpse still lay in a heap where it had fallen. I was a little curious to see how they would dis pose of this, as there was absolutely no sem blance of curtain to draw over the sceue of car nage. I imagined, however, that, of course, some supernumeraries would come in, and, to slow music, carry out the mangled remains. But no: the minutes past, and the supernumer aries did not put in an appearance—in fact, they knew better —for the object of my conjectures soon displayed an astonishng and commendable ability to take care of itself, or rather himself. For, while the lovers were still engrossed in bill ing and cooing, the gentleman under the table, deeming that he had reposed there a sufficient length of time to impress all with his headless condition, now first gave a colossal yawn (I have heard of graveyards yawning, but this was the first time I ever knew of one of their supposed subjects performing the feat), after which he stretched carefully and deliberately, and rolled over, assumed a sitting posture, and then majestically arising with a smile that was childlike and bland, and a look of proud satis faction at having so faithfully accomplished his part for the evening, turned about and ambled off the stage at a brisk trot, disappearing with an ostentatious bang through one of the doors in the rear; a proceeding which, if perhaps scarcely in accordance with the most approved canons of histrionic art, nevertheless had the merit of being entirely unique of its kind, and was, moreover, extremely reassuring after the startling demonstrations with the cleaver. In fact, the whole episode was but another striking illustration of the comically naive way these Orientals have doing things up on tne stage. And now, the ecstatic loversiiavingso successfully dis fiosed of all obstacles to their bliss, and the al eged corpse having so gracefully disposed of itself, there was really no further object in con tinuing the performance, which accordingly came to a close. The evening’s entertainment, however, was not quite over, and we staid for the afterpiece; that is, a part of it. But indeed it requires a word of explanation; fbr, as a curiosity in the way of theatricals, this last piece takes the lead of anything I ever before saw. It was called the “Descent of Man,” who be eins as some sort of primordial protoplasm, and descends a little each night, going through vari ous stages of development, and continuing on till the oriental idea of the perfect human ani mal is attained; which object being accomplished, the next night he begins and descends all over again. It is impossible to always gauge the length of time which this process will occupy, for though each presentation is exactly the same as that preceding, yet, owing to the peculiar manner in which the theater is run, the number of nights required is constantly varying; for the performance is carried on indefinitely each night, in fact just as long as there is any audience to play to; the prices of admission being wisely varied, according to the time at which one ar rives; becoming smaller as the hours grow less. This remarkable performance, the part of which we witnessed, had really begun some sixty nights before, and continued, as we after ward learned, for not less than one hundred and twelve in all. There appeared to be no particu lar plot that we could see; the actors arriving at intervals, on the stage, and each presenting al together the most grotesque and utterly fan tastic appearance conceivable. All wore sort of masks, or rather fals6 heads, each of some dif ferent animal, while the upper portions of their persons were arrayed evidently in some vague effort to correspond with the head. The animal character ceased, however, with the lower limbs, which were swathed in many folds of oriental drapery; while there was no attempt to disguise the feet. In fact, in every instance and w ithout exception, the development seemed to have struck feet first, and to be proceeding upward. All alike .ap peared to possess the power of speech, and to have made a beautiful and astonishing progress In the Chinese language, considering the fact that some sported heads of roaring lions, others dogs, leopards, tigers and many other ferocious and unrecognizable animals, while one indi vidual capered about the stage with a head like a huge dsh, and who seemed to be developing into an ancient Roman, judging from his ex tremities. about which the drapery hung with, all the dignity of a senator's toga, and which im parted to his outer head gear with its round, solemn, fishy eyes and flapping fins, an expres sion which was simply irresistibly comical. Yet one dare Dot laugh, for there sat the whole pig tailed audience stolidly smoking, regarding the on the stage with grave, slant, inquiring eyes, and doubtless deeming themselves greatly edified by the elucidation of science there going on. Some •of the performers seemed to engage in long dialogues, which apparently had no particular object; others danced about the stage, or played on some fear ful Chiuese instrument, any of which were in quite a sufficiently early stage of development to be perfectly in keeping with the motley per formers. In short, the w hole thing was strange, wild, barbaric, intciesting and original as the theater itself, mixing, as it does, in all its at tributes, and in such complete chaos, the devel oped, the half-developed, and the utterly gro tesque. But the hours were slipping away; we had stayed an unheard-of time; anH as man did not appear to be descending to any perceptible de gree, we finally arose in a body, and, loath to leave a scene at once-so curious and unusual, slowly took our departure Our Chiuese friend accompanied us back to our stopping place, and here, under the waning moon, our unique thea ter party broke up, and Tam Choi, with a sweep ing bow, bade each a pleasant good uigh*f and was off. Evalkbn Stkin. A Seasonable Entertainment, Philadelphia Uecord. If you want to be fashionable you must give a dandelion party. Invite all your young friends, provide each with a table-knife and basket, and get your lawn weeded and pay off your social debts at the same time. Times are hard and money is scare#. THE INDIANAPOLIS JOURNAL SATURDAY, MAY 30, 1885. Homesick Days. The strange, sweet days are here again, The happy, mournful days; Tho songs which trembled on our lips Are half complaint, half praise. A sadness in the softer air, And in tho tenderer sky; A touch of heartache everywhere; We weep, yet know uot why. The wind is full of memoriee; It whispers low and clear In secret echoes of the past. And brings the dead more near. The breath of budded hyacinths Is heavy in the breeze; The peach tree twigs are strung with pink And murmurous with bees. Swing, robin, on the budded sprays, And sing your blithest tune; Help us across these homesick days Into the joys of June. —Elizabeth Akers Allen. THE LINCOLN MONUMENT. Badly Constructed Originally, the Sepulcher is Crumbling; Into Ruins. Springfield fill.) Letter in Chicago News. The Lincoln monument, under which sleeps the body of the great emancipator, is in a vil lianous state of disrepair. There is no reason to believe that it is going to fall down right away—although that fate is certainly in store for it—but it is certain that as a monument de signed to bear upon imperishable stone the name and deeds of a great man, and furnish, as well, a fitting sepulcher for his ashes, it is as lamenta ble a failure as could well be conceived. In the wildly spread prospectus of the monument so ciety, issued in 1865, it was set forth that “lov ing hearts will rear and cherish a shrine for pa triotism through all the circling centuries of the unseen future, and hither pilgrims will come from every land to do honor to the memory of one of the world’s greatest benefactors.” The pilgrim, if he come at any time before Macaulay’s New Zealander reaches London bridge, will find the expoeted shrine a ruin, and if he waits only oue century may look in vain for the mecca of his journey. Repairs may maintain the place for many years, but when I say that important parts of the structure have twice fallen away; that the keystone of one of its important arches was wedged with bits of pine wood, which, decaying, caused it to be rebuilt; that the chambers under the terrace are filled with wooden braces; that this important support was never held except by a few angle irons, and they so small and far apart that the seams broke open, the supports tottered, and the immediate safety of the entire structure was threatened, the damage can be appreciated. Repairs were ordered, and the whole east eDd of the terrace was taken down and replaced. When the statua ry came to be placed on the pillars designed for it they were found to have insufficient bearings to trust the bronzes upon, and they were required to be rebuilt. Now the west chamber or wing of the terrace is going the same way, and thus the body of the late President stands in a danger almost as disgraceful as it once did from thieves. In monuments the element of permanency is of the last importance, and whether we have not got the right kind of material, whether the best kind will withstand the disintegrating influence of a climate knowing extreme and many changes of heat and cold, or whether the contractors are most to blame, it is well to know it. This monument was constructed under the auspices of the National Lincoln Monument As sociation, Governor Oglesby being president A board of directors showed the names of Shelby M. Cullom, O. M. Hatch, James H. Beveridge and twelve others. Funds were contributed by the soldiers and sailors of the United States to the amount of $27,000. Eight thousand dollars of that sum was raised by the colored soldiers. Several thousand Sunday-school scholars gave $20,000. The State in two appropriations paid $77,000; New York, $10,000; Missouri, $1,000; California, SSOO, and enough to make up $200,000 was se cured by miscellaneous contribution. Its ex terior is wholly of Quincy granite. Its base is seventy feetsquare, with semi-circular extensions on the north and south. From the center of the terrace rises a square shaft to the bight of oue hundred feet Larkin Mead’s really good statue of Lincoln, done in bronze, stands upon a square pedestal on the south side of the terrace. Be neath the statue is the memorial hall, and within that is the catacomb. This is a semi-circular vestibule of ten or twelve feet radius, having an arched ceiling, marble floor and five crypts. At the rear in the vestibule, which is reached through a grated iron door, *is a sarcophagus, which contained at the time of the alleged at tempted theft of the body, the remains of the President. The crypts are those of the child jen of the Lincoln family who are dead, and there remains a place for those who yet live. But tho body of the Presi dent does not sleep in the sarcophagus, nor does that of his unfortunate wife occupy the central crypt, which the custodian points out as hers. They lie far below, side by side, in a grave of earth, whither they were removed by the executive committee, John T. Stuart, John Williams and Jacob Burns. Mr. Stuart told me himself of this, and said that when Robert Lincoln came on with the body of his mother lie was taken down and shown his father’s resting-place. He said that Mrs. Lin coln should also lie there, and there she was placed. Mr. Stuart, speaking for the committee, said that there was nothing, not even Quincy granite, that could withstand the influence of this climate. The extremes of winter and sum mer were beyond their resistance, and even the granite of the monument showed signs of disin tegration. “It is true of all tho country of this latitude, from New York west. I have studied it tor years,” he said. “They have an old stone in New Yorkj” I sug gested. “Yes, and this obelisk won’t stand fifty years there, nor could it last twenty years here. We built that monument in a spirit of economy. Our contractor, W. D. Richardson, was an inex perienced man, and his work was done most in efficiently, but we do not believe it. was done dishonestly. There were some arches put in that did not reach what they were supposed to support, and the capstone of the shaft was in three pieces instead of one. We should have put cement in between the roof of the base and its supports. This has already been done, and further repairs are being made. The charge for visiting the interior is 25 centa That yie’ds an income of about SI,OOO a year. We have in hand about SOOO, and we propose, to do our best to keep the monument in good condition. W T e would have proceeded agaiust Richardsoon for damages, but the statute of limitation has run in his favor. He was an incompetent man and we did not know it then. The time of the Bunn bank failure, a tew years ago, a con siderable sum, variously stated between $1,200 and $13,000, was in the hands of Jacob Buun. This was paid back, or such part of it as repre sented 70 per cent, which was the basis of settle ment made.” There is a Lincoln guard of honor here, in corporated for the purpose of raising a fund to purchase and keep in repair the former home of Lincoln, to hold memorial services, and to col lect and preserve mementoes of his life and death. So far their duties have been altogether sentimental. They have uot guarded anything nor have they made any considerable collection of relics. Appropos of Oakridge being tho resting place of Lincoln, an interesting incident of his funeral was given by Dr. Wohlge muth. Mrs. Lincoln had been asked by Secretary Stanton where sh 6 preferred that the body should be buried She declared in fa vor of Oakridge, and Dr. Wohlgometh was wired to make the necessary preparation. A number of people claimed that the body belonged to the State, and that it should rest in the State house ground, where a vault was hastily made ready. General Hooker accompanied the re mains, and was in the prbeession which filed out of the State house that sad May day in 1855. At the point where the column had to take one road or the other General Cook, leading, cried out, “Left wheel.” which would have led - to the State-house. “Right wheel,” yelled General Hooker, and. the last order being obeyed, the column and its great burden passed on to the monument; which now stands as if trembling in doubt of its fitness to contain its great charge. The President’s Manner in Public. Correspondence Philadelphia Press. His manner in public is perfect. He either is absolutely unconscious of the staring of the crowd or else he maintains an unconscious look that it would be hard for a crowned head, brought up to the business, to emulate. On in auguration day the contrast between his simple diirnity and the effusive demonstration of Mr. Hendricks was very marked. Mr. Cleveland simply sat bare-headed in his carriage, occasionally bowing to the crowds, but M r - Hendricks stood up and bowed ai*d waved bis har. and acted as if he were anything except the ftfjfch wheel of the coach. That was the first point the President showed, and he has gone steadily on winning popular regard against such odds as no President has struggled against for -jaany yeairs. He evidently gives his whole energies to whatever he is doing. In church be attends strictly to the minister, and to no one else. But few of the elect ever would blame him if he never went to church, for the people stare at him as if lie were a wild beast, and make no pretense of attending to the service. All the campaign stuff that was talked all over the country about the size of his collar was about as idiotic as any talk could be. The President is a man of very largo frame, besides a man with a great deal of solid flesh, and if he had a neck that a smaller collar would fit it would simply be out of proportion to his whole frame. PERILS OF THE WIND. How to Act When Caught in the Path of a Tornado—Rules to Remember. Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. The officers of the Signal Service recommend persons who discover that they are in front of a tornado and directly in the path of it to make their wav as quickly as possible either north or south. If the clouu is three or four miles off when discovered, it is generally prac ticable to get beyond the path of it before it reaches the place where the observer stood. Under no circumstance should one movo to the east, northeast or southwest. Many foolhardy acts have been committed (perhaps through fear, and excitement or positive ig norance) by persons, which have resulted in death or terrible injuries, because they have tried to run in front of the tornado cloud, thinking they could outstrip it in such a, race. Others have attempted to cross the path just ahead of the advancing cloud, feeling that they could reach a safe distance on the opposite side before the funnel-shaped monster passed. In one of the late storms a person esbayeu tins trip with two horses and a lumber wagon, confi dent that he could at least rush his horses across the apparently narrow path of storm which seemed to progress within such circumscribed limits. He was instantly killed, one of his horses dreadfully mangled, the other seriously injured, and the wagon a total wreck. Under no circumstances, whether in a build ing or a cellar, take a position in a northeast room, in a northeast corner, in an east room, or against an east wall. Remember that the tor nado cloud invariably moves in a northeasterly direction. Persons have been instantly killed o’* terribly crippled for no other reason than that tuev ignorantly threw themselves in the very grasp of the monster cloud. The rule regarding the movement to tho north east must bo obeyed. The northeast quarter is a fatal position, whatever may be said about de struction to life or property in any other. If, unfortunately, you are close pressed by the advancing cloud. never remain standing and attempt to weather the position, but throw yourself prone (face down ward) upon the ground, head to the east, and arms over the head to protect it. If you should chance to be near a large stone or stump, or some heavy, low object firmly imbedded to the ground take a position directly to the east of it, lying prone upon the ground, head toward the object, protecting the former with your folded arms. This advice is given in the event of extreme necessity, where other and better opportunities are unavailable or have become forfeited. It is better, if possible, never to trust yourself be hind or about any movable object located within the center of the storm’s path; by all means not a tree or anything that rises some distance beyond the surface of the ground. If you gan get out, never remain in a house or any other building that is likely to be torn down or removed from its foundation. If forced to re main in a building without a cellar, always take a position against the west or south wall (better the former), either prone (face downward) upon the floor or standiug with your back to the wall. In any building, always take your final position on the first or ground floor or in the cellar. Never stand or lie in front of a door or window, or near a stove or heavy piece furniture. Make every effort to get into west rooms, and, if possible, before the on slaught remove all the furniture from the western portion. If you have the necessary time, shut tightly every window and door in the building within which you may be located at the time of the storm. Never take refuge in a forest, in a small grove of trees, in an orchard, in a building near a fence of any kind, unless such obstruction is entirely out of tho line of the storm. If possible, always open tho doors of your out buildings and let your stock loose, driving them to the north as before directed. Growing;. Baby is only one year old, Fair and sweet as a daffodilly; Hair as blight as the crinkled gold Hid in the heart of a water-lily. . Baby is only two years old, Tongue like a piping bob o’ Lincoln. Trills more songs than can e’er be told, Or ever a birdie would dare to think on. Baby is only—who’s been stealing Out of my arms and off my kuee My baby? The gipsy years came kneeling. And stole my baby away from me. —A. F. Burnham. KINGS AND QUEENS TOO RISKY. New York Insures the Life of Plenty of Dukes and Couuts, Though. New York Sun. “Only one of their old lies!” The speaker was au officer of one of our largest life insurance companies, and the “lies” he referred to were contained in a German pamplet that bitterly attacked American life insurance. “They have taken advantage over on the other side of ouv last year’s smash in Wall street to assail our whole system of finance, thinking to get rid of unwelcome rivalry. But it won’t work. Judg ing from this,” tapping the pamphlet, “one would think that all Europe was filled with dis trust of us. Well! here is a specimen of dis trust —a draft for 65,000 marks from the mayor of Fraukfort-on-the-Main in oue payment for an annuity for his son! That mail brought us of regular insurance from Europe quite half a mill ion dollars. We got three mails a week, and one bag has brought as mucß*hs a million and a quarter of insurance. Do you see the reason why they kick? “Our policy books full of the names of German noblemen aud landed proprietors, who are insured as high as a hundred thousand dollars, some of them. All over fifty thousand we rein sure to protect ourselves. In the city of Bone, the famous University town, there is scarcely a well-known or distinguished man who is uot in sured in our company. And it is net in Ger many alone we drive ahead like that Here ia an application from Prince Sergius Galitzen, of Warsaw. I mention the big names because they count more on the other side than here. In Paris we have just paid a policy of 350,000 francs to tho heirs of Prince Orloff, a Russian. And there, toe, is one of our patrons, or customers, Prince Phillippe Mario d’Orleaus, a scion of the French royal house. He owns large mines in Spain, and the company has given him a permit to go down in his mines, ‘but by no means to en gage in the actual labor of a miner.’ Routine, you know! Fancy a prince of the bouse of Or leans with pick and shovel, and a miner’s lamp on his hat." “I)o you insure any crowned heads?” “No kings and queens. There are too many Nihilists around these times; but dukes and counts without end. The nearest we get to roy alty is in the case of ex-Queen Isabella, who is the beneficiary of a policy we have written on the life of one of her devoted courtiers. Very fond of her, I presume. We had a brother-in law of the Danish King, a Baron Bluen Finecke, whose wife was the aunt of the Princess of Wales, the Empress of Russia, and the King of Greece. Now that he*is dead, if my memory doesn’t fail, we insure his son. Another of our risks, who is dead, was a son of Maria Louisa, the great Napoleon’s last wife, by here second marriage. He was an Austrian no table, whose name I forget The other day we insured a distinguished governor with au office name I carr’t pronounce “ There are three American companies who in sure liteß in Europo—tho New York, the Equita ble and the Germania. Trust them to take care, of themselves. As an instance of it, let me tell vou that the agent of-the New York in Paris, Harry Homans, has been made a chevalier of the Legion of Honor; the Equitable’s agent in Madrid is a member of the Cortes. President Cleveland’s new <minister to Denmark, Prof. Rasmus B. Anderson, was an Equitable agent out West, and may be on their management over there. HUMOR OF THE HAY. Not Always a Sure Guide. Philadelphia Call. .Jinks —“Do you think Miss Labeile is pretty?** Minks—“ No. she is not pretty. ” “I most cousent i think her beautiful.'* “Well, I did, too; but I asked my wife, and she said I was mistaken. ” Somewhat Too Impulsive. Norristown Herald. An Arkansas Democratic editor has shot aud killed a postmaster. Some means must bo adopted to make vacancies for Democratic of fice-seekers, but it strikes us that the Arkansas editor's plan is a little too impulsive; and calcu lated to create unfavorable comment, even in his own party. Not a Common Colonel. Detroit Post. First hlississippian to second ditto-—“ How did you address your letter to the President?” Second to first—“ ‘Col. G. Cleveland, Presi dent.’” First to second—“ Tut, tut, sir! You should have addressed it, ‘Commander-in-chief G. Cleve land, President’ He’s no common colonel now." Gauging True Economy. Toronto World. “What did you pay for those cigars, my son? They are not at all bad.” “Three for a half dollar, governor." “That is wickedly extrava gant. Why, I never think of paying more than ten cents for a cigar myself?” “Well, I should think teD cents was enough. If I had as many children to watch over and provide for as you have, I'll be hanged if I'd smoke at all!” He G-ave His Reasons Promptly. Chicago IHnvM. “Here is a clever little article that lam sure will meet with the approbation of you readers,” he said, as he tipped iuto the editorial room. “I am afraid,” replied the editor, as he looked it over, “that it will not meat with the approba tion of my readers.” “No? Why not?” “Because it will never have a chance.” Tho Revised Version. Philadelphia Call. First Chicago Man—“l heard something very remarkable to-day about the revised edition of the Old Testament.” Second Chicago Man—“ Old Testament? Oh, yes, I know what that is. What did the revisers, do?” “Why, they have left out the word ‘hell.’" “Indeed! And what did they substitute?” “Well, I don’t know; St. Louis, I guess.” The Ruling Passion. Chicago Herald. At a station down in Indiana tho Lake Shore Company employs a lady ticket agent She is a good agent, and attends closely to her business, but she is a woman still. The other day a lady traveler stepped up to the ticket window and inquired about a train that was a little late. “Will the train be long?” she asked, meaning if it would be long in arriving. “Oh, vos, ” was the reply of tho fair ticket agent, “longer than last season, but without so many rufiles around tho edge. ” At a Musical#. San Francisco Chronicle, They were sitting around as they do, you know, at musicales. There had jusfcbeen a song and the pent-up protest found vent in carefully .demonstrative praise and compliment. There was more than a buzz of conversation, there was a Babel, for everybody wa3 afraid of the inevit able next, and wanted to keep it away as long as possible. Then a fair young girl who had been sitting in the background was approached. “Will you not play something for us, Miss Jenkins?” “Oh, lam ao nervous. No, I'd rather not,” sh") answered, rising hurriedly and going to the piano, afraid she might be taken at her word. She tried to look like a lamb being led to the slaughter when she was being led to the piano, but the expression of sheep waiting to be slaughtered which spread itself over every face in the room was far more genuine. She played, and she played, and she played. Finally she got through. There was very enthusiastic ap plause. They were so glad it was over. “Miss Jenkins plays charmingly, don’t you think so?’’ said a lady to a gentleman standing by her. “Ya as. What was that pretty thing she played?” “I am not quite sure. Something, I think, by Opus. ” No Excuse for Burning Up. Hartford Timas. “Safest town in New England is this town," remarked a drummer the other da,y, as the Bos ton train rolled into the gloomy depot st Salem, Mass. “Landlord takes no end of trouble to save you from being burned up. Notice posted right upon the wail.” Reaching a room in the hotel a few minutes later, the drummer pointed to this: “noticb. “In case of fire the means of escape from this room is to turn to the right “At the southern end of this passsage way there is a fire escape with egress through a win dow. “At the north end of this passage there is an egress through a window, and down over the roof in the rear. “There will be rod lights burning through the night at the main stairway. After going down one flight, turnto*the left and koep to the left (The next stairway is under the above.) “Otherwise turn to the right through the pas sageway, and keep to the right and down the other stairs. “A watchman will be on duty through the uieht, and in case of firo will sound the gong.” • “There, how’s that,” exclaimed the drummer. “Now look here.” We threw open a window. It was just about eight feet to the sidewalk. An Episode of the Stump. Washington Letter to New York Graphic. It was in the campaign of 1864, I believe, that Brewster, in stumping Pennsylvania, met Dan iel Dougherty in joint debate in the town of Easton. Brewster had the first innings and made a rattling, rasping, audacious speech that dre.w wild cheers from his friends aud greatly nettled the Democrats. Dougherty answered him with a torrent of brilliant invective, ridi culing his figures, rending his facts, arid witty splendidly impassioned denunciation holding him up to scorn as a malevolent demagog. After a withering review of his illogical and ill-gyouuded argument, Dougnorty con cluded: “And in the last great day, sir. I, who am now standing here, will appear before the bar of God as your accuser.” The effect was tremendous. Everybody thought Brewster crushed. But collecting himself with an effort, he roee, paused, smiled chillingly, and then said, cuttingly: “Sir, in the course of a long and varied criminal practice, I have observed that the greatest criminals are always first to turn State’s evidence.” It was Dougherty who was crushed. Kind Word for the Donkey. London Truth. I see in the papers that the garrison at Kassala is reduced to eating donkeys. I envy them. Donkey is delicious eating. This was so soon r&alizod during the siege of Pans by beleagurcd epicures that the price of donkey was about five times that of horse. The Weaker Bex Are immensely strengthened by the use of Dr. R. V. Pierce’s "Favorite Proscription,*' which cures all female derangements, gives tone to the system. Sold by druggists. RAILWAY TIME-TABLE. Evansville A Terre Haute Railroad. (Via Vandalia Lined Leave Indianapolis 17:15 am, 11 55 amp, 10:45 pros Leave Terre Haute 110:40 am, 0:00 pm p, 4:00 am* Ar. at Evansville-. 14-00 pm, 7:05 pm p, 7:25 ams Leave Evansville... 16.05 am, 10:00 amp, 8:15 pins Ar. at Terre Haute 110:00 am, 2:17 pm p, 11:59 pms Ar. at Indianapolis t0:30 pm 4:40 pm p, 0:50 ams ♦Daily except Sunday. All other trains daily. P, parlor car; s, sleeper. (Vial. & St. L. Ry.) Leave Indianapolis 17:10 am. 10:55 pms Ar. at Terre Haute i 10:40 am, 0:00 pm p, 4:00 am s Ar. at R vam villa.. t4:00 pm, 7:05 pm p, 7:10 am s Leave Evansville.. 10:05 am, 10:00 amp, 8:15 pmi Ar. at Terre Haute 110:00 am, 2:17 pm p, 11:59 pm* Ar. at Indianapolis 13:15 pin, 6:25 pm p, 3.45 am* ♦Daily oxcept Sunday. All other teaU* daily. P. parlor cor; *, sleeper. RAILWAY TIME-TABLE. [TRAINS RUN IV OKWTRAD STANDARD TiMß.] Train* marked thus, r. c.. reclining chair thus, *., sleeper; thus, p., parlor car; thus, h., hotel oar. Bee-Line, C., C., C. & Indianapolis. Depart—New York and Boston Express daily, a 4:00 am Dayton, Springfield and Now York Express, o. e 19:10 MB Anderson and Michigan Express. .11:15 am Wabash and Muucie Exp.’ess 6:55 pm New York aud Boston, daily.s., c. o. 7:15 pm BRI GHT WOOD DIVISION'. Daily 4:00 am 3:30 pm Daily 10:10 am 9:55 pm Daily 11:15 am 7:15 pm Daily 2:30 pm. Arrive—Louisville. Now Orleans and Sfc. Louis Express, daily, s 6:40 mi Wiibash, Fort Wayua and Muneio Express 10:45 am Benton Harbor and Anderson. Ex press 2:20 pm Boston, Indianapolis and Southern Express 0:00 pm New York and St. Louis Express, daily, s 11:15 pm Chicago, Si. Louis A Pittsburg. Depart—New York, Philadelphia. Wash ington, Balti more and Pittsburg Express, daily, s 4:10 am Dayton and Columbus Express, except Sunday 11:10 am Richmond Accommodation 4:00 pm New York, Philadelphia, Washing ton. Baltimore and Pitt sburg Ex press. daily, s.. h 4:35 pm . Limited Express, daily, s, h 5:40 pm Arrive—Limited Express, daily 7:00 * RiehmondAccoiumouation, exoept Sunday 9:40 am Ne.v York, Philadelphia, Washing ton, Baltimore and Pittsburg Ex press, daily 11:45 am Columbus and Day ton Express, ex cept Sunday 4:35 pm New York, Philadelphia. Washing ton, Baltimore auu Pittsburg Ex press, daily 10:20 m CHICAGO DIVISION VIA KOKOMO, P., 0. A ST. U R. *. Depart—Louisville and Chicago Express, p-c.. . 11:15 am Louisville and Chicago Fast Ex press, daily, s 11:00 pm Arrive—Chicago and Louisville Fast Ex press, daily, s 4:00 am Chicago aim Louisville Express, p. c 3:35 pm Cincinnati, Indianapolis, St. Louis A Chicago. CINCINNATI DIVISION. Depart—Cincinnati aud Florida Fast Line, daily, s. aud o. o 4:00 am Cincinnati, Rushyille and Colum bus Accommodation 11:15 am Cincinnati ami Louisville Mail, p. c. 3:45 pm Cincinnati Accommodation, daily.. 6:55pm Arrive—Xndiaaauotia Accommodation, daily 10:55 am Chicago aud St. Louis Mail, p. c.. .11:50 am St. Paul anti Omaha Express 4:55 pm Chicago and St. Louis Fast Line, daily, s. aud c. c 10:45 pm CHICAGO DIVISION. Depart—Chicago and Rock, Island Express.. 7:10 am Indianapolis aud South Bend Ex-. 7:10 am Chicago Mail, p. e 12:10 pm Flying Hopsier 5:10 pm Indianapolis and South Bend Ex.. s:lopm • Ohio ago, Peoria and Burlington Fast Line, daily, s., r. o 11:20 pm Arrive—Cincinnati and Louisville Fast Line, daily, ©. o. and a... 3:35 am Flying Hoosier 10:55 am South Bend and Indianapolis Ex- -10:55 am Cincinnati and Louisville Mail, p. c 3:30 pm Cincinnati Accommodation 6:42 pm South Bend aud Indianapolis Ex.. 6:42 pm V.mdalia Line. Popart—lndianapolis and South Bend Ex.. 7:30 am New York Limited, daily. . 7:15 am St, Louis Mail 7:35 am Fast Line daily, p., h 12:00 m Terre Haute Accommodation 4:00 pm Indianapolis and South Bend Ex... 5:10 pm Pacific Express, daily, s 10:45 pm Arrive—Eastern Express, daily 3:50 am Terre Haute Accommodation 10:00 am South Bead and Indianapolis Ex... 10:55 am Cincinnati and Louisville Fast Line 3:35 pm Day Express, daily 4; 15 pm Limited Express, dally, h 5:30 pm South Bend and Indianapolis Ex... 6:42 pm Wabash, St. Louis A Pacific. Depart—Detroit and Chicago Mail 7:15 am Toledo, Fort Wayne, Grand Rapids and Michigan Express 2:15 pm Detroit Express, s 7:15 pm Detroit through coach on 0., St. L. & P. Express 13:00 pm Arrive—Detroit Express, s 8:00 am Pacific Express ■„ 13:30 am Detroit ami Chicago Mail 8:55 pm Detroit through coach on C., St. L. & Pi Express 3:59 am Cincinnati, Hamilton A Indianapolis. Depart—Cincinnati, Dayton and T01ed0.... 4:00 am Cincinnati, Dayton, Toledo and New York 11:05 am Connersville Accommodation 4:25 pm Cincinnati, Dayton, Toledo and New York Express 6:35 pm Arrive—Connersville Accommodation...... 8:30 am Cincinnati, Peoria and St. Louis—ll:so am Cincinnati Accommodation 5:00 pm Cincinnati, Peoria and St. Lous.. .10:40 pm Jeffersonville, Madison A Indianapolis. Depart—Southern Express daily, s 4:10 am Louisville and Madison Express, p.o 8:15 am Louisville and Madison Mail.p.c, dy 3:50 pm Louisville Express 6:45 pm Arrive —Indianapolis and Madison Mai 1..... 9:45 am Indianapolis, St. Louis and Chicago Express, daily, p 10;45 am Now York and Northern Fast Ex press, r. c 7:oopm St. Ijuuis, Chicago and Detroit Fast Linn, daily, s 10:45 pm Indiana, Bloomington A Western. PEORIA DIVISION. Depart—Pacific Express and Mail 8:15 am Kansas and Texas Fast Line, r. c. . 5:05 pa Burlington and Rock Island Ex press, daily, r. c. ands 11:10 pm Arrive —Eastern anil Southern Express, daily, r. c. anil s. . _ 3:45 am Cincinnati Special, r. c 11:00 am Atlantic Express and Mall 4.25 pm EASTKKN DIVISION. Depart—Eastern Express Mail, daily, s., r. e. 4:15 am Day Express 11:20 am Atlantic Express, daily, s. and o. c. 4:45 pm Arrive —Pacific Express, <laily, s. and o. c. 7:45 am Western Express 4:40 pm Burlington aud Rock Island Ex press, daily, s. and r. c 10:35 pm Indianapolis, Decatur A Springfield. Depart—Day Express, daily except Sunday. 8:30 am Fast Express, daily - -• • 10:50 pm Montezuma Accommodation, daily except Sunday 4:20 pm Arrive—Day Express, daily except Sunday. 5.80 pm Fast Express, daily - 3:50 am Montezuma Accommodation, daily except Sunday 10:45 am Indianapolis A Vincennes. Depart—Mail and Cairo Express 8:15 am Vincennes Accommodation 4:00 pm Arrive —Vincennes Accommodation 10:40 am Mail and Cairo Express 6:30 pm Indianapolis A St. Louis. Depart—Day Express, daily, c. c 7:10 am Paris Express 3 : 00 P® Boston and St. Louis Express, p.. 6:20 pm New York and St. Louis Express, daily, s. and c. c .......11:30pm Arrive —New York and Boston Express, daily, c. 3:45 am Local Passenger, p Indianapolis Express.. o!!* P® Day Express, o. c., daily... ©:-.3 pm Louisville, New Albany A Chicago. (Chicago Share Line.) Depart— Chicago and Michigan City Mail.. .12:45 pm Frankfort Accommodation 5:00 pm Chicago Night Ex., daily, s 11:20 pm Arrive— Indianapolis Night Ex., daily, $.... 3:3d am Indianapolis Accommodation 10:00 am Indianapolis Mail 3:15 pm Cincinnati, Wabash A Michigan Railway. (Over the Bee-line.) Depart—lndianapolis and Grand Rapids Ex. 4:00 am Michigan Express 11:15 am Louisville and Wabash Express... 5:55 pm Arrive—Wabash and Indianapolis Express.. 10:46 am Cincinnati A Itfvusville Express... 2:20 pm Indianapolis and Ht. Louis Express 11' 15 pm Fort Wayne, Cincinnati A Louisville Railroad. (Leave Indianapolis via Bee-liua) ” SOUTHWARD. Leave Fort Wayne 11:00 am 550 p* Leave Blufftun 12:03 am tkso pm Leave Hartford pm pm Leave Muuoie pm v\ Arrive ludianapoiLi 6:00 pin 11.15 pm n^uthward. Leave Indiapapolis i 1*? ara l ?}c ‘"l Leave Muncie 6:00 am i;ls pm Leave Hartford 37 am 2:00 pm Leave Blutltoo 7:30 am 2:58 pm Arms Furl Wa/ne 6*30 am 4.00 pm 11