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THE DAILY om mri J OU HIT A L. S U II DA Y II OB IT I 17 G. r- .Lj .i-i. ii. : " j That Terrible Fiscal Question I BY JEROME K.JEROME Copyright, 19(5, by Central fat - HREE weeks" ago, traveling on the Underground rail way, I met a man; he was one of the saddest looking men I have seen for years. I used to " know him well in the old days when we were journalists together. I asked him. in a sympathetic tone, how things were pomp; with him. I ex pected that his response would be a flood of tears, and that in the end I should have to fork out a liver. To my astonishment, his answer was that things were going exceedingly well with him. I did not want to say to him bluntly. "Then what has happened to you to make you look like a mute at a temperance "funeral?" I said. "And how are all at home?" I thought that if the trouble lay there he would take the opportunity. It brightened him somewhat, the necessity of replying to , -the question. It appeared that his wife was in the best of health. "You remember her." he continued, with a smile; "wonderful spirits, always cheerful, nothing seems to put her out, not even ." He ended the sentence abruptly with a sigh. His mother-in-law, 1 learned from further talk with him, had died since I had last met him, and had left them a comfortable little addition to their income. His eldest daughter was engaged to be married. "It is entirely a love match," he explained; "and he is such a dear, good fellow that I should not have made any objection even had he been poor. But, of course, as it is, I am naturally nil the more content." The boy, having won the Mottle scholar ship, was going up to Cambridge in the autumn. His own health, he told rne. had greatly improved, and a novel he had written in his leisure time promised to be one of the suc cesses of ihe season. Then it was that I spoke plainly: "If I am opening a wound too painful to be touched," I said, "tell me. If. on the contrary, it is an ordinary sort o trouble upon which the sympathy of a fellow-worker may fall as a balm, let me hear it." "So far as I am concern ed," he replied. "I should be glad to tell you. Speaking about it does me good. What has happened to you to make you look like a mute nt a temperance funeral? and may lead so I am always in hopes to an idea. But, for your own sake, if you take my advice, you will not press me." "How can it effect me?" I asked: "It is nothing to do vi' me, is it?" "It need have nothing to do with you." he answered, "if you are sensible enough to keep out of it. If I tell you, from this time onward it will be your trouble also. Anyhow, this is what has happened in four other separate cases. If you like to be the fifth and complete the half dozen of us. you are welcome. But. re member, I have warned you." "What has it done to the other five?" I de manded. "It has changed them from cheerful, companionable persons into gloomy, one-sided bores." he told me. "They think of but one thing, they talk of but one thing, they dream of but one thing. Instead of getting over it as time goes on, it takes possession of them more and more. There are men. of course, who would be unaffected by it who could shake it off. I warn you against it in particular, because, in spite of all that is said, I am convinced you have a sense of humor; and that being so it will lay hold of you. It will plague you night and day. You see what it has made of me. Three months ago a lady interviewer described me as of a sunny temperament. If you know your own business you will get out at the next station and take care to avoid me for the next six months." I wish now I had taken his advice. As it was I allowed my curiosity to take possession of me and begged him to explain. And he did so. "It was Just about Christmas time," he told me. "We were discussing the Drury Iane pantomime some three or four of us in the smoking room of the Devonshire club, and young Gould said he thought it would prove a mis take, the introduction of a subject like the fiscal question into the story of 'Humpty Duraply.' The two things, so far as we could see, had nothing to do with one another. He added that he entertained a real regard for Mr. Dan Leno, whom he had once met W. A. L. THOMPSON, President. F. W. FREEMAN, Vice-Pesident. The Merchants National TOPEKA, KANSAS Capital Stock, - $100,000.00 Surplus and Profits, 837,000.00 COMPARATIVE STATEMENT OF DEPOSITS December 15, 1900 8478,813.40 December 15, 1901 540,337.40 December 15. 1902 87,286.90 December 15, 1903 610,900.24 December 15, 1904 786,469.63 December 15, 1S05. .. .$1,040,234.77 ACCOUNTS INVITED. News and press Exchange. on a steamboat, but that there were other topics upon which he would prefer to seek that gentleman's guid ance. Nettleship, on the other hand, declared that he had no sympathy with the argument that artists should never intrude upon public affairs. The actor was a fellow-citizen with the rest of us. He said that, whether one agreed with their conclusions or not, one must admit that the nation owed a debt of gratitude to Mrs. Brown Potter and to Miss Olga Nethersole for I do wish you could write mc some thing. giving to it the benefit of their convic tions. He had talked with both ladies in private on the subject, and was con vinced they knew nearly as much about it as did most people. Burn side, who was one of the party, con tended that if sides were to be" taken, a pantomime should surely advocate the free-food cause, seeing it was a form of entertainment supposed to ap peal primarily to the tastes of the Little Knglander. "Then I came into the discussion. The fiscal question, I said, is on everybody's tongue. Such being the case, it is fit and proper it should be referred to in our annual pantomime, which has come to be regarded as a review of the year's doings. But it should not have been dealt with from the political standpoint. The proper attitude to have assumed toward it was that of innocent raillery, free from all trace of partisanship. Old Johnson had strolled up and was stand ing behind us. The very thing I have been trying to get hold o? for weeks.' he said, 'a bright, amusing resume of the whole problem that shall give offence to neither side. You know our paper,' he continued; 'we steer clear of politics, but, at the same time, try to be up to date; it is not always easy. The treat ment of the subject, on the lines you suggest, is just what we require. I do wish you would write me something.' He is a good old sort, Johnson: it seemed an easy thing; I said I would. Since that time I have been thinking how to do it. As a matter of fact. I hare not thought of much else. May be you can suggest something?" I was feeling In a good working mood, and next morning "Pilson,". said I to myself, "shall have the benefit of this. He does not need anything bois terously funny. A few playfully witty remarks on this subject will "be the Ideal." I lit a pipe and sat down to think. At half past twelve, having to write some letters before going out to lunch. I dismissed the fiscal question from my mind. But not for long. It worried me all the afternoon. I thought, maybe, something would come to me in the evening. I wasted all In this fiscal question there must be fun. that evening and I wasted all the fol lowing morning. Everything has its amusing side, I told myself. Jokes by the hundred are built on sudden death. One turns out comic stories about fun erals, about weddings. Hardly a mis fortune that can happen to mankind but has produced Us comic literature. An American friend of mine Mr. W. A. Alden. if I am not committing a breach of confidence once tooka con tract from the editor of an insurance journal to write four humorous stories. F. M. BONEBRAKE, Cashier. E. A. T1SR1LL, Ass't Cashier. s an! 1 1 if t f SAFE DEPOSIT BOXES FOE RENT KIP One was to deal with, an earthquake, the second with, a cyclone, the third with a flood and the fourth with a thunderstorm. And more amusing stor ies I have never read. What is the matter with the fiscal question? I my self have written lightly on bimetal lism. Home Rule we used to be merry over in the eighties. I remember one delightful evening at the Codger's hall. It would have been more delightful still, but for a raw-boned Irishman, who rose toward eleven o'clock and re quested to be informed if any other speaker was wishful to make any more jokes' on the subject of ould Ireland: because, if so, the raw-boned gentle man was prepared to save time by waiting and dealing with them alto gether. But if not, then so the raw boned gentleman announced his in tention was to go for the last speaker and the last speaker but two at once and without further warning. No other humorist rising, the raw-boned gen tleman proceeded to make good his threat, with the result that the fun de generated somewhat. Even on the Boer war we used to whisper jokes to one another, in quiet places. In this fiscal question there must be fun. Where is it? For days I thought of little else. My laundress as we call them in the tem ple noticed my doubts. "Mrs. Wil kins," I confessed, "I am trying to think of something innocently amusing to say on the fiscal question." "I have heard about it," she said, "but I don't have much time to read the papers. They want to make us pay more for our food, don't they?" "For some of it," I explained. "But then, we shall pay less for other things, so that really we shan't be paying more at all." "There don't seem much in it. either way," was Mrs. Wilkin's opinion. "Just so," I agreed, "that is the advantage of the system. It will cost nobody any thing, but result in everybody being better off." "The pity is," said Mrs. Wilkins, "that nobody ever thought of it before." "The whole trouble hither to," I explained, "has been the for eigner" "Ah," said Mrs. Wilkins, "I never heard much good of him, though they do say the Almighty has a use for almost everything." "These foreigners," I continued: "these Germans and Americans, they dump things on us. you know." "What's that?" demanded Mrs. Wilkins. "What's dump ?" "Well, it's dumping, you know. You take things and you dump them down." "But what things? How do they do it?" "Why, all sorts of things: pig iron, bacon, doormats everything. They bring them over here in ships, you understand, and then, if you please, just dump them down upon our shores." "You don't mean surely to tell me that they just throw them out and leave theme there?" queried Mrs. Wilkins. "Of course not," I replied; "when I say they dump these things 'I suppose, heiusr foreigners, they ain't nulurally got niucli sense." upon our shores, that is a figure of speech. "What I moan is they sell them to ns." "But why do we buy them, if we don't want them?" asked Mrs. Wil kins. "We're not bound to buy them, are we?" "It is their artfulness," I ex plained; "these Germans and Ameri cans and the others: they are all just as bad as one another they insist on selling us these things at less price than they cost to make." "It seems a bit silly of them, don't it?" thought Mrs. Wilkins; "I suppose being for eigners, poor things, they ain't natur ally got much sense." "It does seem silly of them, if you look at it in that way," I admitted; "but what we have got to consider is. the injury It is do ing us." "Don't see how it can do us much harm." argued Mrs. Wilkins; "seems a bit of luck, so far as we are concerned. There's a few more things they'd be welcome to dump round my way." "I don't seem to be putting this thing quite in the right light to you, Mrs. Wilkins," I confessed; "it is a long argument, and you might not be able to follow it; but you must take it as a fact now generally admitted, that the cheaper your buy things the sooner your money goes. By allowing the foreigner to sell us all these things at about half the cost price, he is getting richer every day and we are getting poorer. Unless we. as a country, in sist on paying at least twenty per cent, more for everything we want, it is cal culated that in a very few years Eng land won't have a penny left." "Sounds a bit topsy turvy," suggested Mrs. Wilkins. "It may sound so," I answered; "but I fear there can be no doubt of it. The board of trade re turns would seem to prove it conclu sively." "Well, God be praised, we've found it out 1n time." ejaculated Mrs. Wilkins piously. "It is a matter of congratulation," I agreed; "the diffi culty is that a good many oher people say that far from being ruined, we are doing very well indeed, and are growing richer every year." "But how can they say that," argued Mrs. Wil kins, "when, as you tell me, those trade returns prove just the opposite." "Well. theN" say the same, Mrs. Wilkins, that the board of trade returns prove just the opposite." "Well, they can't both be right." said Mrs. Wilkins. "You would be surprised, Mrs. Wil kins." I said, "how many things can be proved from board of trade re turns." But I have not yet thought ot that article for Pilson. JEROME K. JEROME. Fire at Memorial Service. Paris, Dec. 30. A telegram from Biserta, Tunis, gives particulars of a serious accident which occurred in a church while a service was being held in mimicry of the men of the Fourth K-gi!Vjfni. of Zouaves who were killed at Chamtigny during the Franco-Ger-miii war. A lamp which fell from the catafalque set fire to the carpet. An ohieer endeavored to extinguish the names, but. accidentally upset another lamp. Members of the congregation no1." attempted to put out the fire. Their efunts were successful, but sev eral, including the vice president of tho municij- council, an officer, and two piiest-. were seriously burned. Killed by a Coffin. Paris, Dec. 30. A singular accident took place on Thursday in the Rue de Rennes. An undertaker's employee was descending the stairs of a house with a coffin containing the body of a man who had occupied rooms on the third floor. On reaching the sec ond landing he made a false step, and lost his equilibrium. The coffin fell upon his head, and he was killed out right. He leaves a widow and six children. :: -o . Considers Hew Year Resolutions and Advo cates Taking Them in Large Quantities So Percentage Will Make a Showing. Copyright. 1905, by Central News and Press Exchange. HERE was a good deal of wisdom showed in fixin' 1 things so that we'd have a week I between Christmas an' Noo m Year. First of all experience has showed fhat we need a lit tle time for the recooperatin' thing, an' then a period is wanted so we can line ourselves up proper for serious thought. You see, everybody feels happyy at Christmas time, so they start in to eat Of course here an' there you'll find peo ple that feeds up because it's about the The first rules of the game is to sail in an' feed your face. only time they get a fair shot at a square meal. But outside of this, Christmas is the accepted time for the gtirgers' con vention to meet. It's much the same at Thanksgivin'. We all feel thankful, so we eat. It's a sort of unwritten law that whenever the people is happy, or thankful, or whenever anytlijn' happens in the way of a holiday, the first rules of the game is to sail In an' feed your face. That shows that you have a proper appreciation of the occasion. It don't matter what the occasion is. That's what they call incidental. Just feed, an' you'll be in line. Of course here an' there you've got to dabble with a few libations if you feel extra good, an' I want to tell you when you get through with the festivities you feel mighty glad there's a week before you, before the Noo Year starts. You see the Noo Year eomin' in sets you to figurin', an' you've got to have a clear head if you want to figure proper. That's why the sa loons is closed on election day. Every man should face the Noo Year with a club an' a set of resolutions. One ain't no good without" the other. So far as the resolutions is concerned, they ought; to be took in time. They're like the measles. As soon as you've got over your Christmas joy, buckle down to work an' get 'em in line. Don't delay. It don't do. There's nothin' in it. Never put off till tomorrow the guy you can do today. Ask him in. an' get to work. What's more, when you start in to make noo resolutions, don't half do it. Reso lutions don't cost nothin', so you might as well take as many as you can. You Resolutions don't cost nothin. you don't run no danger. You ain't goin' to keep "em anyhow, so you don't run no danger. Th.i point is if you take enough, some of 'em may stick, an' its the percentage that tells. Ask Reggie Vanderbilt. He knows. Every roulette w heel that was ever spun runs on the percentage plan. At first thought you may believe that makin' resolutions is an easy game. All you've got to do is to say, "Well, I'm goin' to trim down eight people a week," an' that's all there is to it. But it ain't. You've got to find the eight. Makin' resolutions has got down to a science. If you don't think so, just read up on some of these joint resolutions they get up in congress. Them'" the kind. The evidences of high art sticks out in every line. First, you see, a res olution is where you're going to do somethin'. Very well; you've got to re solve it. That's where the art comes In. You've got to resolve it so that when it don't come off you've made good. When you look at the resolution from another angle you've got to see where you resolved not to do somethin' that you resolved to do. If you make your Noo Year resolves like they make 'em in congress you'll be able to look back on the year that's past an' say you made good. When you receive the Noo Year you've got to fall in line accordin' to the custom. The proper way to do is to get a horn, wait till the steam whistles begin to blow, an' then start in to give the razoo to the year that's gone. As a rule, by the time three hundred and sixty-five days of It ha3 passed, you're ripe to join in the chorus. There's thousands of other people blowin' horns beside you, but that don't cut no figure. Blow yours. If you happen to think they're cele bratin' the year that's corain', forget it. Theye're just givin' the ha ha to the one that's down an' out, accordin' to rule. That's why they always wait till twelve has struck. It ain't safe to crow till the gong's rung. Somethin might happen. Lay low an' save your lungs. .Another thing is this: you don't want to think while you're blow in'. If you do you'll see where you're up against it. The chances is ten to one that the year that's arrove won't be no different from the year that's passed. You just put another notch on your gun, an' sail on in the same old way. Of course you've got your reso lutions to start out with. That's some thin'. If you don't have 'em when you get through, you can pick up some more. You never need be without resolutions. That's somethin. But whatever you do be sure you've got hold of the right sort. ' If you've resolved to cut out smokin', for instance, it ain't never wise to announce the fact to your wife. Keep it to yourself. If you tell her, an' her mother happens to send you a box of cigars for a Noo Year's present, go right out, buy a billy goat, an' gently plead with him to butt your brains 6ut. Y'ou're in for it. If you don't smoke them cigars you're a brute. You're no. decent husband, an' you're always tryin' to show where you can insult your mother-in-law. Nothin' ain't good enough for you. You just took that resolve because you knoo it w-ould give you a chance to snub the family. If you size this up beforehand an' do start in to smoke then you're no good anyhow, an' you're not to be trusted. You ain't nothin' but a weak-minded drivellin' good for nothin'. Yrou haven't got no You don't want you're blowin'. to think while will of your own, an' you haven't got enough strength of character to be allowed to live. Y'ou're just a slave of habit. There ain't a chance in the world to reform you. There'll be other pieces spoke, too. Don't worry. You'll get the ding dong all right. So be careful. Keep your resolves to yourself. All resolves should be kept to yourself. You see, in makin' resolves, people is ain't goin' to keep them anyhow, so apt to get enthusiastic. It's just like a guy goin' to congress. When he butts in to Washington he figures that the weight of the nation's restin' on hin shoulders. An' he's goin' to deliver the goods. They am t going to bury him. He s goin to speak his piece, an he's goin' to be heard. After he's been there half a term he finds out where he ain't got a chance to sav nothin' but "Mr. Speaker." An' after he gets hoarse he shuts up for a while. Then he wakes up. He don't deliver no goods. He don t deliver nothin' He starts in gatherin' an' lets it go at mat. it s the same with these re solves. There ain't no good resolvin' on a lot of things you can't make good. Always be ready to qualify. Wind up by resolvin' to carry out what resolves you can. The best kind of resolves is along general lines. There ain't nothin' in bein' too specific. Take this Pana ma canal. Do you suppose they d have ever pulled that ore if they d been spe cmc. .ot on your life. As it is, they've got a latitood of ten or twelve million an' a strangle hold on two or three. Think of what a silly thing it la for these nooly married city guys to egg their wives on to cook for 'em. Yet there's only a few of 'em that'll resolve not to do it.' First thing you know wifey makes up her mind O give him a whirl an' she begins. Sh- starts with the noo year an' he finishes w ith the old. If he lasts twelve months he's a bird. He gets pie a la gratan. An' he don't wake up before it's too late. Of course E, EXAMINATION M t DRS. LYON & fa .J1 '. if iXr CV-fZT """" i "if :m (Office established 15 years) t 511 Kansas Ave., Tepeka, Kan. Cvcr W. A. L Thompson CJtt. Co. t Ind". Phone tU5. -,..;;'? -'la r I HEREBY ANNOUNCE myself as a candidate for the office of Sheriff of Shawnee County, sub ject to the Republican primaries. ROME COLVIN. if his wife's fond of him, he can brace up courage an' ask her finally as a per sonal favor to quit. But it ain't every man that likes to be under a lastin' ob ligation to his wife. I tell you it's a great thing to resolve not to egg your wife. You see if you manage to make good, you don't have to worry resolvin' to cut out red eye an' blue chips. You won't need 'em. By an' by it'll come natuial for you to stay sober. Avoid rash resolves if you're goin' to try to make good. Why I knoo a fellow once that resolved he was goin' to tell the truth. Think of that. It's all very well for a man to tell the truth if he's irri tated into it. There's an excuse for ev erythin'. But a guy that goes in bald headed to hunt for trouble deserves all that's comin' to him. Of course he didn't make good. He couldn't. Inside of two days his wife ast him 'if he didn't think their little Harold was the most beauti ful child he'd ever saw. Mr. "Wise Guy butts in an' says: "No. he's got a face like a pancake." Then it was all off. He never told the truth no more. He couldn't tell even a lie for a week. First mamma hands him somethin', then the maiden aunt takes a hand, while grand ma shrieks out that he's a scoundrel an' a villain. Why, he couldn't tell which end of him was nr. At the same time every man should make up his mind to do certain things with the beginnin' of every year. A. B. C. Parker, for instance, has resolved to say: "Now I lay me down to sleep" on every election day. It's a good thing. What's more, he'll make good. Tom Watson's goin' to say: "Now I lay me down because there ain't no use doin' anythin' else." Of course these things is liable to vary, but they're all along the right line. An' every man can get along the right line if he wants to. It ain't the great "big resolves that makes the world great. It s the little one that's carried out by the millions of the people that shows the improvement. Think of that beautiful sentiment that sprung from the breasts of the two Macs, Mc Curdy an' McCall: "Every little bit helps." Just do your bit an' let it go at that. Ornaments Easy to Make. Wonders can be accomplished in tree ornamentation with a little bottle of gold bronze. For instance, tiny bits of twig of the tree when dusted with His wife ast him If he didn't think tiful child he'd ever seen. Why try to examine your own teeth? We will do it for you free and tell you Just what they need, if anything. Our Triple Section Plates are the grandest thing yet discovered for those who have had trouble vlth their plates dropping down or those who have been told they could not wear plates because mouth was too fiat. No mouth Is so flat that we cannot make a plate that will stick tight, and you can eat on them. We guarantee them. Best Set of Teeth $S,00 Good Set of Teeth $5.00 Gold Crowns, 22k $5.00 Bridge work, per tooth $3.00 Gold Fillings $1.00 and up Silver Fillings 50o to $1.00 Cement Fillings 50c Extracting 25c Extracting, freezing gum pro cess 50c SIEATHERLY Save Your Old Carpets And send them to us we will make you fine rugs from them. Write for Booklet of Rugs or call up 'Phone 421 and we will call O. McCormicK Rug Factory the gold, or dipped into it if it is in liquid form, make astonishingly beau tiful ornaments. Common square or oblong visiting cards dipped into the gold paint make pretty things to hang here and there among the gieei'i branches. Tipping the ends of branches with gold makes a pleasing effect. Funny figures cut out of cardboard, such as men in boats, etc., make re markably attractive things when glid ed. PRICE OF DIAMONDS ADVANCING Good Stones Said lo Be Worth Double Former Prices. London. Dec. 30. Diamonds are go ing up i l price rapidly. Good stones are 100 per cent more expensive than they were five years ago, and they will cost more a-year hence. Diamonds are not scarce, explained a Hatton Gar den dealer, but half a dozeft diamond syndicates are holding back the uncut stones. When prices began to rise peo ple held aloof from purchasing in the expectation that prices would go down again, but today they are rush ing to secure the best gems on tho market before the prices rise sMil higher. As a result the demand is about three times greater than the supply. So keen is the demand in Hatton Garden for diamonds that many small dealers are going round the pawnbrokers' establishments buy ing up any good stones that may have been pledged and unredeemed by per sons ignorant of their present value. The latest fashion Jewels are very dainty. Kverything' is now of the) most delicate make set in platinum, and as flexible and as graceful as pos sible. For every day wear are rib bons with diamond-set ends and clasp, the daintiest of novelties. Renaissance jewelry is coming into fashion, and set in carved steel, illustrate the latest made. An American millionaire haa just purchased a diamond dog-collar, in which the centre stone, a perfect blue-white diamond, is worth $10,000, Teacher What is mean by "three daya of grace," Tommy Newton? Tommy Newton Why, thats when yer fambly Is feedin' a minister durln' confer ence. Puck. their little Harold was the most bea