THE
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That Terrible Fiscal Question
I BY JEROME K.JEROME
Copyright, 19(5, by Central
fat - HREE weeks" ago, traveling
on the Underground rail
way, I met a man; he was one
of the saddest looking men I
have seen for years. I used to
" know him well in the old days
when we were journalists together. I
asked him. in a sympathetic tone, how
things were pomp; with him. I ex
pected that his response would be a
flood of tears, and that in the end I
should have to fork out a liver. To
my astonishment, his answer was that
things were going exceedingly well
with him. I did not want to say to him
bluntly. "Then what has happened to
you to make you look like a mute at a
temperance "funeral?" I said. "And
how are all at home?" I thought that
if the trouble lay there he would take
the opportunity. It brightened him
somewhat, the necessity of replying to
, -the question. It appeared that his
wife was in the best of health. "You
remember her." he continued, with a
smile; "wonderful spirits, always
cheerful, nothing seems to put her out,
not even ." He ended the sentence
abruptly with a sigh. His mother-in-law,
1 learned from further talk with
him, had died since I had last met
him, and had left them a comfortable
little addition to their income. His
eldest daughter was engaged to be
married. "It is entirely a love match,"
he explained; "and he is such a dear,
good fellow that I should not have
made any objection even had he been
poor. But, of course, as it is, I am
naturally nil the more content." The
boy, having won the Mottle scholar
ship, was going up to Cambridge in
the autumn. His own health, he told
rne. had greatly improved, and a
novel he had written in his leisure
time promised to be one of the suc
cesses of ihe season. Then it was that
I spoke plainly:
"If I am opening a wound too painful
to be touched," I said, "tell me. If. on
the contrary, it is an ordinary sort o
trouble upon which the sympathy of a
fellow-worker may fall as a balm, let
me hear it." "So far as I am concern
ed," he replied. "I should be glad to tell
you. Speaking about it does me good.
What has happened to you to make
you look like a mute nt a temperance
funeral?
and may lead so I am always in hopes
to an idea. But, for your own sake,
if you take my advice, you will not press
me." "How can it effect me?" I asked:
"It is nothing to do vi' me, is it?" "It
need have nothing to do with you." he
answered, "if you are sensible enough
to keep out of it. If I tell you, from this
time onward it will be your trouble also.
Anyhow, this is what has happened in
four other separate cases. If you like
to be the fifth and complete the half
dozen of us. you are welcome. But. re
member, I have warned you." "What
has it done to the other five?" I de
manded. "It has changed them from
cheerful, companionable persons into
gloomy, one-sided bores." he told me.
"They think of but one thing, they talk
of but one thing, they dream of but one
thing. Instead of getting over it as time
goes on, it takes possession of them
more and more. There are men. of
course, who would be unaffected by it
who could shake it off. I warn you
against it in particular, because, in spite
of all that is said, I am convinced you
have a sense of humor; and that being
so it will lay hold of you. It will plague
you night and day. You see what it has
made of me. Three months ago a lady
interviewer described me as of a sunny
temperament. If you know your own
business you will get out at the next
station and take care to avoid me for
the next six months."
I wish now I had taken his advice.
As it was I allowed my curiosity to
take possession of me and begged him
to explain. And he did so. "It was
Just about Christmas time," he told
me. "We were discussing the Drury
Iane pantomime some three or four
of us in the smoking room of the
Devonshire club, and young Gould
said he thought it would prove a mis
take, the introduction of a subject like
the fiscal question into the story of
'Humpty Duraply.' The two things,
so far as we could see, had nothing
to do with one another. He added
that he entertained a real regard for
Mr. Dan Leno, whom he had once met
W. A. L. THOMPSON, President.
F. W. FREEMAN, Vice-Pesident.
The
Merchants National
TOPEKA, KANSAS
Capital Stock, - $100,000.00
Surplus and Profits, 837,000.00
COMPARATIVE STATEMENT OF DEPOSITS
December 15, 1900 8478,813.40
December 15, 1901 540,337.40
December 15. 1902 87,286.90
December 15, 1903 610,900.24
December 15, 1904 786,469.63
December 15, 1S05. .. .$1,040,234.77
ACCOUNTS INVITED.
News and press Exchange.
on a steamboat, but that there were
other topics upon which he would
prefer to seek that gentleman's guid
ance. Nettleship, on the other hand,
declared that he had no sympathy
with the argument that artists should
never intrude upon public affairs. The
actor was a fellow-citizen with the rest
of us. He said that, whether one
agreed with their conclusions or not,
one must admit that the nation owed
a debt of gratitude to Mrs. Brown
Potter and to Miss Olga Nethersole for
I do wish you could write mc some
thing. giving to it the benefit of their convic
tions. He had talked with both ladies
in private on the subject, and was con
vinced they knew nearly as much
about it as did most people. Burn
side, who was one of the party, con
tended that if sides were to be" taken,
a pantomime should surely advocate
the free-food cause, seeing it was a
form of entertainment supposed to ap
peal primarily to the tastes of the
Little Knglander.
"Then I came into the discussion. The
fiscal question, I said, is on everybody's
tongue. Such being the case, it is fit
and proper it should be referred to in
our annual pantomime, which has come
to be regarded as a review of the year's
doings. But it should not have been
dealt with from the political standpoint.
The proper attitude to have assumed
toward it was that of innocent raillery,
free from all trace of partisanship. Old
Johnson had strolled up and was stand
ing behind us. The very thing I have
been trying to get hold o? for weeks.'
he said, 'a bright, amusing resume of
the whole problem that shall give offence
to neither side. You know our paper,'
he continued; 'we steer clear of politics,
but, at the same time, try to be up to
date; it is not always easy. The treat
ment of the subject, on the lines you
suggest, is just what we require. I do
wish you would write me something.'
He is a good old sort, Johnson: it seemed
an easy thing; I said I would. Since
that time I have been thinking how to
do it. As a matter of fact. I hare not
thought of much else. May be you can
suggest something?"
I was feeling In a good working
mood, and next morning "Pilson,". said
I to myself, "shall have the benefit of
this. He does not need anything bois
terously funny. A few playfully witty
remarks on this subject will "be the
Ideal." I lit a pipe and sat down to
think. At half past twelve, having to
write some letters before going out to
lunch. I dismissed the fiscal question
from my mind. But not for long. It
worried me all the afternoon. I
thought, maybe, something would come
to me in the evening. I wasted all
In this fiscal question there must be
fun.
that evening and I wasted all the fol
lowing morning. Everything has its
amusing side, I told myself. Jokes by
the hundred are built on sudden death.
One turns out comic stories about fun
erals, about weddings. Hardly a mis
fortune that can happen to mankind
but has produced Us comic literature.
An American friend of mine Mr. W.
A. Alden. if I am not committing a
breach of confidence once tooka con
tract from the editor of an insurance
journal to write four humorous stories.
F. M. BONEBRAKE, Cashier.
E. A. T1SR1LL, Ass't Cashier.
s
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SAFE DEPOSIT BOXES FOE RENT
KIP
One was to deal with, an earthquake,
the second with, a cyclone, the third
with a flood and the fourth with a
thunderstorm. And more amusing stor
ies I have never read. What is the
matter with the fiscal question? I my
self have written lightly on bimetal
lism. Home Rule we used to be merry
over in the eighties. I remember one
delightful evening at the Codger's hall.
It would have been more delightful
still, but for a raw-boned Irishman,
who rose toward eleven o'clock and re
quested to be informed if any other
speaker was wishful to make any more
jokes' on the subject of ould Ireland:
because, if so, the raw-boned gentle
man was prepared to save time by
waiting and dealing with them alto
gether. But if not, then so the raw
boned gentleman announced his in
tention was to go for the last speaker
and the last speaker but two at once
and without further warning. No other
humorist rising, the raw-boned gen
tleman proceeded to make good his
threat, with the result that the fun de
generated somewhat. Even on the
Boer war we used to whisper jokes to
one another, in quiet places. In this
fiscal question there must be fun.
Where is it?
For days I thought of little else. My
laundress as we call them in the tem
ple noticed my doubts. "Mrs. Wil
kins," I confessed, "I am trying to
think of something innocently amusing
to say on the fiscal question." "I have
heard about it," she said, "but I don't
have much time to read the papers.
They want to make us pay more for
our food, don't they?" "For some of
it," I explained. "But then, we shall
pay less for other things, so that really
we shan't be paying more at all."
"There don't seem much in it. either
way," was Mrs. Wilkin's opinion. "Just
so," I agreed, "that is the advantage
of the system. It will cost nobody any
thing, but result in everybody being
better off." "The pity is," said Mrs.
Wilkins, "that nobody ever thought of
it before." "The whole trouble hither
to," I explained, "has been the for
eigner" "Ah," said Mrs. Wilkins, "I
never heard much good of him, though
they do say the Almighty has a use for
almost everything." "These foreigners,"
I continued: "these Germans and
Americans, they dump things on us.
you know." "What's that?" demanded
Mrs. Wilkins. "What's dump ?" "Well,
it's dumping, you know. You take
things and you dump them down."
"But what things? How do they do
it?" "Why, all sorts of things: pig
iron, bacon, doormats everything.
They bring them over here in ships,
you understand, and then, if you please,
just dump them down upon our
shores." "You don't mean surely to
tell me that they just throw them out
and leave theme there?" queried Mrs.
Wilkins. "Of course not," I replied;
"when I say they dump these things
'I suppose, heiusr foreigners, they
ain't nulurally got niucli sense."
upon our shores, that is a figure of
speech. "What I moan is they sell them
to ns." "But why do we buy them, if
we don't want them?" asked Mrs. Wil
kins. "We're not bound to buy them,
are we?" "It is their artfulness," I ex
plained; "these Germans and Ameri
cans and the others: they are all just
as bad as one another they insist on
selling us these things at less price
than they cost to make." "It seems
a bit silly of them, don't it?" thought
Mrs. Wilkins; "I suppose being for
eigners, poor things, they ain't natur
ally got much sense." "It does seem
silly of them, if you look at it in that
way," I admitted; "but what we have
got to consider is. the injury It is do
ing us." "Don't see how it can do us
much harm." argued Mrs. Wilkins;
"seems a bit of luck, so far as we are
concerned. There's a few more things
they'd be welcome to dump round my
way." "I don't seem to be putting this
thing quite in the right light to you,
Mrs. Wilkins," I confessed; "it is a long
argument, and you might not be able
to follow it; but you must take it as a
fact now generally admitted, that the
cheaper your buy things the sooner
your money goes. By allowing the
foreigner to sell us all these things at
about half the cost price, he is getting
richer every day and we are getting
poorer. Unless we. as a country, in
sist on paying at least twenty per cent,
more for everything we want, it is cal
culated that in a very few years Eng
land won't have a penny left."
"Sounds a bit topsy turvy," suggested
Mrs. Wilkins. "It may sound so," I
answered; "but I fear there can be
no doubt of it. The board of trade re
turns would seem to prove it conclu
sively." "Well, God be praised, we've
found it out 1n time." ejaculated Mrs.
Wilkins piously. "It is a matter of
congratulation," I agreed; "the diffi
culty is that a good many oher people
say that far from being ruined, we
are doing very well indeed, and are
growing richer every year." "But how
can they say that," argued Mrs. Wil
kins, "when, as you tell me, those
trade returns prove just the opposite."
"Well. theN" say the same, Mrs. Wilkins,
that the board of trade returns prove
just the opposite." "Well, they can't
both be right." said Mrs. Wilkins.
"You would be surprised, Mrs. Wil
kins." I said, "how many things can
be proved from board of trade re
turns." But I have not yet thought ot
that article for Pilson.
JEROME K. JEROME.
Fire at Memorial Service.
Paris, Dec. 30. A telegram from
Biserta, Tunis, gives particulars of a
serious accident which occurred in a
church while a service was being held
in mimicry of the men of the Fourth
K-gi!Vjfni. of Zouaves who were killed
at Chamtigny during the Franco-Ger-miii
war. A lamp which fell from the
catafalque set fire to the carpet. An
ohieer endeavored to extinguish the
names, but. accidentally upset another
lamp. Members of the congregation
no1." attempted to put out the fire.
Their efunts were successful, but sev
eral, including the vice president of
tho municij- council, an officer, and
two piiest-. were seriously burned.
Killed by a Coffin.
Paris, Dec. 30. A singular accident
took place on Thursday in the Rue de
Rennes. An undertaker's employee
was descending the stairs of a house
with a coffin containing the body of
a man who had occupied rooms on
the third floor. On reaching the sec
ond landing he made a false step, and
lost his equilibrium. The coffin fell
upon his head, and he was killed out
right. He leaves a widow and six
children.
:: -o .
Considers Hew Year Resolutions and Advo
cates Taking Them in Large Quantities So
Percentage Will Make a Showing.
Copyright. 1905, by Central News and Press Exchange.
HERE was a good deal of
wisdom showed in fixin'
1 things so that we'd have a week
I between Christmas an' Noo
m Year. First of all experience
has showed fhat we need a lit
tle time for the recooperatin' thing, an'
then a period is wanted so we can line
ourselves up proper for serious thought.
You see, everybody feels happyy at
Christmas time, so they start in to eat
Of course here an' there you'll find peo
ple that feeds up because it's about the
The first rules of the game is to sail
in an' feed your face.
only time they get a fair shot at a square
meal. But outside of this, Christmas is
the accepted time for the gtirgers' con
vention to meet. It's much the same
at Thanksgivin'. We all feel thankful,
so we eat. It's a sort of unwritten law
that whenever the people is happy, or
thankful, or whenever anytlijn' happens
in the way of a holiday, the first rules
of the game is to sail In an' feed your
face. That shows that you have a
proper appreciation of the occasion. It
don't matter what the occasion is. That's
what they call incidental. Just feed, an'
you'll be in line. Of course here an'
there you've got to dabble with a few
libations if you feel extra good, an' I
want to tell you when you get through
with the festivities you feel mighty glad
there's a week before you, before the
Noo Year starts. You see the Noo Year
eomin' in sets you to figurin', an' you've
got to have a clear head if you want
to figure proper. That's why the sa
loons is closed on election day.
Every man should face the Noo Year
with a club an' a set of resolutions. One
ain't no good without" the other. So far
as the resolutions is concerned, they
ought; to be took in time. They're like
the measles. As soon as you've got over
your Christmas joy, buckle down to
work an' get 'em in line. Don't delay.
It don't do. There's nothin' in it. Never
put off till tomorrow the guy you can do
today. Ask him in. an' get to work.
What's more, when you start in to make
noo resolutions, don't half do it. Reso
lutions don't cost nothin', so you might
as well take as many as you can. You
Resolutions don't cost nothin.
you don't run no danger.
You
ain't goin' to keep "em anyhow, so you
don't run no danger. Th.i point is if
you take enough, some of 'em may stick,
an' its the percentage that tells. Ask
Reggie Vanderbilt. He knows. Every
roulette w heel that was ever spun runs
on the percentage plan.
At first thought you may believe that
makin' resolutions is an easy game. All
you've got to do is to say, "Well, I'm
goin' to trim down eight people a
week," an' that's all there is to it. But
it ain't. You've got to find the eight.
Makin' resolutions has got down to a
science. If you don't think so, just read
up on some of these joint resolutions
they get up in congress. Them'" the
kind. The evidences of high art sticks
out in every line. First, you see, a res
olution is where you're going to do
somethin'. Very well; you've got to re
solve it. That's where the art comes
In. You've got to resolve it so that
when it don't come off you've made
good. When you look at the resolution
from another angle you've got to see
where you resolved not to do somethin'
that you resolved to do. If you make
your Noo Year resolves like they make
'em in congress you'll be able to look
back on the year that's past an' say
you made good.
When you receive the Noo Year
you've got to fall in line accordin' to
the custom. The proper way to do is
to get a horn, wait till the steam
whistles begin to blow, an' then start
in to give the razoo to the year that's
gone. As a rule, by the time three
hundred and sixty-five days of It ha3
passed, you're ripe to join in the
chorus. There's thousands of other
people blowin' horns beside you, but
that don't cut no figure. Blow yours.
If you happen to think they're cele
bratin' the year that's corain', forget
it. Theye're just givin' the ha ha to
the one that's down an' out, accordin'
to rule. That's why they always wait
till twelve has struck. It ain't safe to
crow till the gong's rung. Somethin
might happen. Lay low an' save your
lungs. .Another thing is this: you
don't want to think while you're blow
in'. If you do you'll see where you're
up against it. The chances is ten to
one that the year that's arrove won't
be no different from the year that's
passed. You just put another notch on
your gun, an' sail on in the same old
way. Of course you've got your reso
lutions to start out with. That's some
thin'. If you don't have 'em when you
get through, you can pick up some
more. You never need be without
resolutions. That's somethin. But
whatever you do be sure you've got
hold of the right sort. '
If you've resolved to cut out
smokin', for instance, it ain't never
wise to announce the fact to your
wife. Keep it to yourself. If you tell
her, an' her mother happens to send
you a box of cigars for a Noo Year's
present, go right out, buy a billy goat,
an' gently plead with him to butt your
brains 6ut. Y'ou're in for it. If you
don't smoke them cigars you're a
brute. You're no. decent husband, an'
you're always tryin' to show where
you can insult your mother-in-law.
Nothin' ain't good enough for you.
You just took that resolve because you
knoo it w-ould give you a chance to
snub the family. If you size this up
beforehand an' do start in to smoke
then you're no good anyhow, an'
you're not to be trusted. You ain't
nothin' but a weak-minded drivellin'
good for nothin'. Yrou haven't got no
You don't want
you're blowin'.
to think while
will of your own, an' you haven't got
enough strength of character to be
allowed to live. Y'ou're just a slave of
habit. There ain't a chance in the
world to reform you. There'll be other
pieces spoke, too. Don't worry. You'll
get the ding dong all right. So be
careful.
Keep your resolves to yourself. All
resolves should be kept to yourself.
You see, in makin' resolves, people is
ain't goin' to keep them anyhow, so
apt to get enthusiastic. It's just like a
guy goin' to congress. When he butts
in to Washington he figures that the
weight of the nation's restin' on hin
shoulders. An' he's goin' to deliver
the goods. They am t going to bury
him. He s goin to speak his piece, an
he's goin' to be heard. After he's
been there half a term he finds out
where he ain't got a chance to sav
nothin' but "Mr. Speaker." An' after
he gets hoarse he shuts up for a while.
Then he wakes up. He don't deliver
no goods. He don t deliver nothin'
He starts in gatherin' an' lets it go at
mat. it s the same with these re
solves. There ain't no good resolvin'
on a lot of things you can't make good.
Always be ready to qualify. Wind up
by resolvin' to carry out what resolves
you can. The best kind of resolves is
along general lines. There ain't nothin'
in bein' too specific. Take this Pana
ma canal. Do you suppose they d have
ever pulled that ore if they d been spe
cmc. .ot on your life. As it is,
they've got a latitood of ten or twelve
million an' a strangle hold on two or
three.
Think of what a silly thing it la for
these nooly married city guys to egg
their wives on to cook for 'em. Yet
there's only a few of 'em that'll resolve
not to do it.' First thing you know
wifey makes up her mind O give him a
whirl an' she begins. Sh- starts with
the noo year an' he finishes w ith the old.
If he lasts twelve months he's a bird.
He gets pie a la gratan. An' he don't
wake up before it's too late. Of course
E, EXAMINATION
M
t
DRS. LYON &
fa .J1 '.
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CV-fZT """" i "if :m
(Office established 15 years)
t 511 Kansas Ave., Tepeka, Kan. Cvcr W. A. L Thompson CJtt. Co.
t Ind". Phone tU5.
-,..;;'? -'la
r
I HEREBY ANNOUNCE myself
as a candidate for the office of
Sheriff of Shawnee County, sub
ject to the Republican primaries.
ROME COLVIN.
if his wife's fond of him, he can brace
up courage an' ask her finally as a per
sonal favor to quit. But it ain't every
man that likes to be under a lastin' ob
ligation to his wife. I tell you it's a
great thing to resolve not to egg your
wife. You see if you manage to make
good, you don't have to worry resolvin'
to cut out red eye an' blue chips. You
won't need 'em. By an' by it'll come
natuial for you to stay sober. Avoid
rash resolves if you're goin' to try to
make good. Why I knoo a fellow once
that resolved he was goin' to tell the
truth. Think of that. It's all very well
for a man to tell the truth if he's irri
tated into it. There's an excuse for ev
erythin'. But a guy that goes in bald
headed to hunt for trouble deserves all
that's comin' to him. Of course he didn't
make good. He couldn't. Inside of two
days his wife ast him 'if he didn't think
their little Harold was the most beauti
ful child he'd ever saw. Mr. "Wise Guy
butts in an' says: "No. he's got a face
like a pancake." Then it was all off. He
never told the truth no more. He
couldn't tell even a lie for a week. First
mamma hands him somethin', then the
maiden aunt takes a hand, while grand
ma shrieks out that he's a scoundrel an'
a villain. Why, he couldn't tell which
end of him was nr.
At the same time every man should
make up his mind to do certain things
with the beginnin' of every year. A. B.
C. Parker, for instance, has resolved to
say: "Now I lay me down to sleep" on
every election day. It's a good thing.
What's more, he'll make good. Tom
Watson's goin' to say: "Now I lay me
down because there ain't no use doin'
anythin' else." Of course these things
is liable to vary, but they're all along
the right line. An' every man can get
along the right line if he wants to. It
ain't the great "big resolves that makes
the world great. It s the little one that's
carried out by the millions of the people
that shows the improvement. Think of
that beautiful sentiment that sprung
from the breasts of the two Macs, Mc
Curdy an' McCall: "Every little bit
helps." Just do your bit an' let it go at
that.
Ornaments Easy to Make.
Wonders can be accomplished in
tree ornamentation with a little bottle
of gold bronze. For instance, tiny bits
of twig of the tree when dusted with
His wife ast him If he didn't think
tiful child he'd ever seen.
Why try to examine your own
teeth? We will do it for you free
and tell you Just what they need,
if anything.
Our Triple Section Plates are the
grandest thing yet discovered for
those who have had trouble vlth
their plates dropping down or those
who have been told they could not
wear plates because mouth was too
fiat. No mouth Is so flat that we
cannot make a plate that will stick
tight, and you can eat on them.
We guarantee them.
Best Set of Teeth $S,00
Good Set of Teeth $5.00
Gold Crowns, 22k $5.00
Bridge work, per tooth $3.00
Gold Fillings $1.00 and up
Silver Fillings 50o to $1.00
Cement Fillings 50c
Extracting 25c
Extracting, freezing gum pro
cess 50c
SIEATHERLY
Save Your
Old Carpets
And send them to us we
will make you fine rugs
from them. Write for
Booklet of Rugs or call up
'Phone 421 and we will call
O. McCormicK
Rug Factory
the gold, or dipped into it if it is in
liquid form, make astonishingly beau
tiful ornaments. Common square or
oblong visiting cards dipped into the
gold paint make pretty things to hang
here and there among the gieei'i
branches. Tipping the ends of branches
with gold makes a pleasing effect.
Funny figures cut out of cardboard,
such as men in boats, etc., make re
markably attractive things when glid
ed. PRICE OF DIAMONDS ADVANCING
Good Stones Said lo Be Worth Double
Former Prices.
London. Dec. 30. Diamonds are go
ing up i l price rapidly. Good stones
are 100 per cent more expensive than
they were five years ago, and they will
cost more a-year hence. Diamonds
are not scarce, explained a Hatton Gar
den dealer, but half a dozeft diamond
syndicates are holding back the uncut
stones. When prices began to rise peo
ple held aloof from purchasing in the
expectation that prices would go
down again, but today they are rush
ing to secure the best gems on tho
market before the prices rise sMil
higher. As a result the demand is
about three times greater than the
supply. So keen is the demand in
Hatton Garden for diamonds that
many small dealers are going round
the pawnbrokers' establishments buy
ing up any good stones that may have
been pledged and unredeemed by per
sons ignorant of their present value.
The latest fashion Jewels are very
dainty. Kverything' is now of the)
most delicate make set in platinum,
and as flexible and as graceful as pos
sible. For every day wear are rib
bons with diamond-set ends and clasp,
the daintiest of novelties. Renaissance
jewelry is coming into fashion, and set
in carved steel, illustrate the latest
made. An American millionaire haa
just purchased a diamond dog-collar,
in which the centre stone, a perfect
blue-white diamond, is worth $10,000,
Teacher What is mean by "three daya
of grace," Tommy Newton?
Tommy Newton Why, thats when yer
fambly Is feedin' a minister durln' confer
ence. Puck.
their little Harold was the most bea