THE TOPEKA DAILY STATE JOUBNA& MONDAY EVENING, JUNE 24, 1907.
itOPERA STATE J0CM1L
By FRANK P. MAC LEVyAX.
f Entered July L 1875, as seoondlass
natter at the postoff Ice at Topcka, nan,.
.noer int act or conyrew.
Official Paper City of Topelm.
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Mr. Carroll D. Wright says the pres
ident's strongest epithet la "By
George!" but he couldn't make some
railroad magnates believe It.
Secretary Taft apparently first
heard of his determination not to run
for president from eastern dispatches
In corporation newspapers. These
dispatches were evidently a
'where the wish Is father c
The tall of a comet Is supposed to
have caused that hot spell In March.
No comet better leave Its tail around
In this vicinity now, for the Fourth of
July Is coming, and tails frequently get
something tied to them on that date
If they are handy.
The publishers of Nature Writer
Long's books are rushing through a
special edition of the wolf story that
President Roosevelt specifically crit
icised ' "in response to a sudden de
man"' for It. Here Is a pointer for
other struggling authors whose works
go uncalled for.
i - a
Charles Blakesley notes that "the
ceremonies at the League Island navy
yard this week gave Governor Hoch
the first chance he has had for sev
eral months to pluck choice flowers
from the conservatory of his soul."
Then the governor must have had an
exceptionally fine bouquet to hand out.
Ice sells at two-bits a hundred
pounds down at Houston, and the ice
crop is short every winter down there.
Bvldently the crop of natural ice
makes little difference with prices, for
northern cities pay from 40 to 60
cents a hundred for Ice and think they
are getting off easy. Are there no Ice
trusts In Texas?
"Kansas," says the Chicago Live
Stock World, "is able to contribute
more hard-luck crop yarns than the
general public supposed Mr. Coburn's
constituency was capable of." Yes, our
crop of yarns is quite frequently a record-breaker.
Just as are some of our
other crops. What's the use of doing
anything by halves?
The Ottawa Herald is evidently hot.
In a moment of annoyance It says:
"While the tribunal at The Hague Is
frittering away its time discussing the
world's peace, the question of the
world's comfort presses home in sev
eral million hot offices, and Is given
emphasis and reinforcement by sever
al million starched shirts."
It Isn't very often that Bent Mur
Cock endorses anything Governor
Hoch says these days, but this para
graph appeared in the El Dorado Re
publican a few days ago: "Governor
Hoch, who was interviewed at every
street crossing while in Washington
last week, said that Roosevelt would
be renominated and reelected presi
dent. Hoch der Roosevelt."
M. M. Beck, of the Holton Record
er, puts it this way: "The Recorder
Tribune occasionally runs up against
question of very difficult solution.
When It comes to deciding where we
should bestow our sympathy In the
controversy between the Standard Oil
company and a sort of get rich quick
. concern like we fear the Uncle Sam
Oil company is, we haven't much to
say. If we were to indulge in remark
at all It would be 'hurrah for one, well
done t'other.' "
Both Fairbanks and Taft have sup
porters among Kentucky Republicans.
Neither candidate was endorsed by
name by the state convention Thurs
day, but it did urge the nomination of
"a man who is In- full accord and
sympathy with the purposes of the
present administration and will carry
eut its policies." No mistaking whom
that means, as between Taft and
Fairbanks. Then the resolution con
cludes: "No ather can or ' should
command the confidence and support
of the people."
More trouble is breeding down In
the Territory. At Colllnsvllle a 'beau
ty show" will be held on the Fourth
of July, and a prise of 175 In gold will
be given to the most beautiful young
woman, 150 to the second handsomest
and $25 to the third belle on the
ground. There will be fifty contestants.
The rules provide, among other things,
that three bachelors shall be selected
as judges, and It Is believed "woman
haters" will be chosen. Tulsa will be
allowed fifteen representatives. Bar
tlesvllle eight, Ramona five. Oolagah
four, Sklateck three and Colllnsvllle
fifteen. It Is doubtful- If Satan him
self could hatch a more fertile, plan
for producing trouble than that.
NO CONVENTIONS WANTED.
The opponents of the direct pri
mary are asserting that the recent
Democratic primary . In Oklahoma
demonstrates that the system la an
extremely expensive one to the candi
dates, and they are pointing, to It as
an object lesson against the primary.
Aa has been pointed out In these
columns, the candidate can spend
much or little, the same as he can un
der the convention system.
There is one object lesson in con
nection with the Oklahoma expert
ment to which the machine force do
not point, however, and that is one
vindicating the defeat of the hybrid
measure proposed by the Kansas state
senate, last winter. . Thia hybrid
measure allowed the politicians to
have a -convention whenever they de.
sired, simply by "Jumping Up" enough
candidates to prevent a majority
nomination, and, that Is just what
tne people ao not want.
Down in Oklahoma a. convention
was held a few days ago to formulate
a platform on which the nominees of
the primaries are to run. In the pri
maries the people had declared for
prohibition; but did the politicians
ratify that action in their convention?
Not for a moment. . They compro
mised with the 'liquor- Interests and
placed the candidates on a platform
that Is not what the rank and file de
clared for In the primaries. Very
likely the liquor Interests will now
look after the campaign fund.
That is the way a convention acts.
If the proper pressure is brought to
bear on It, it will not hestitate to be
tray the- people and do something
they are against. That Is why the
people are not for the convention
system, or any form of it.
DOXT LET CP.
Now that the $75,000 campaign for
Washburn Is rearing Its close, some
may think that It is no longer neces
sary to work as hard on the proposition.
This is not the case. Confidence on the
eve of what may seem to be a victory
Is the cause of many a defeat. If tho
effort that has been made Is to falter in
the least, the hoped for end may never
be reached. What Is true of those In
charge is also true of those who are
still contemplating a gift to the institu
tion. Those gifts that have not yet
been made should be made soon. There
are only a few more days in which to
raise the money and there is still
much to be raised. Let no one stop now
in confidence that It Is all Over because
July first is only a week away and $14,-
800. is still to come.
One remark that has been made, by
many Is that President Plass has a
card up his sleeve to pull out at the
last minute to make up all that is not
raised. President Flass has publlcly
announced that "no gifts have been
held back. All who have contributed to
the fund have had their names an
nounced, except a few who did not de
sire it done, and in these cases the
amounts have been announced."
Nothing is held back to spring at the
last minute. If that were the case it
would be announced at once. All those
who are interested would demand it.
As it is, the remaining $14,000, or so, is
still to be raised by tbe same old up-hill
pulling. It is to be hoped that no one
Is holding back with the purpose of let
ting the others subscribe first, and in
this way o hide himself. It is not the
way to serve the city and one's self.
The only thing to do is to subscribe to
the fund, and do it immediately.
THE MIND OF THE MOB.
Should some one make a collection
of all accounts of'assaults on umpires
during a baseball season, what a show
ing it would make! The baseball fan,
although he may be a peaceable and
order-loving citizen in the daily affairs
of life, appears to be extremely sub
ject to brain storm while occupying
the bleachers, and if the umpire
makes a decision that does not appear
right to him his rage is unbounded.
The recent episode at Wichita is by
no means unusual, for the mobbing of
an umpire is an almost daily occur
rence on some American baseball
field. Nor is the trouble indigenous to
baseball. Ln England, at the derby, a
bookmaker is in danger of his life
should he happen to go broke. In
France conditions are even worse on
account of the excitable nature of the
We sometimes poke fun at the
average college youth because of his
vociferous tendencies at intercollegiate
games. He appears to waste his energy
in blasting holes in the atmosphere
with his lungs. But the college youth
really is not as foolish as is the excited
mob at a league baseball game. He
may yell hla head off metaphorically
but a collge boy has rarely assaulted
an umpire, no matter how great the
provocation. All enthusiasm at col
lege Is organized and under the leader
ship of some particular person or per
sons. This is not so at professional
athletic games. The enthusiasm is
never organized. It is smlply hit or
miss. The crowd is tyrannical ln its
relations to the officials, players and
its own members. One minute a play
er is worshiped, and at the very next
there is a roar of denunciation for
the same individual. The umpire risks
bodily Injury If he makes a radical
mistake or loses his temper at a
critical time. A pitcher's arm plays
out. and with total lack of considera
tion he is cursed by the crowd because
of that fact. The mob will divide over
a decision and almost cone to blows
in its discussion. -
Professor George E. Vincent has a
striking lecture on -"The Mind of the
Mob," in which he takes up this ten
dency of even the staid and sober citi
zen to become wildly excited over our
national same. It is one of the pre
rogatives of the vigorous American,
Yet if carried too far thia spirit de-
teriorates Into rowdyism and nothing
wil kill the game more quickly than
that. Enthusiasm Is all right, but as.
saults on umpires and abuse of players
This la the time of year that the
college graduate and the chigger both.
Only a short time now till the sur
geons and doctors will have to work
overtime packing the powder out of
little Johnny's anatomy.
4 e -
Rev. Irl L. Hicks claims a portion of
the limelight on the . ground that - he
has discovered another spot on the sun.
The mother of the average boy discov
ers so many spots on her son at this
season of the year that Rev. Mr. Hicks
claim should not be considered tor a
"Kissing must go," emphatically de
clared Dr. Knopf before the annual
conference of Charities and Corrections.
If the learned doctor were younger he
might discover that It goes now with
a good many girls.
e e s
Henry James' new novel Is called
The Prevaricator." One would hardly
expect Henry to use "that short ugly
JAYHA WKER JOTS
Accident recorded by the Holton
Signal: While doing his wife's work
last Friday, J. F. Jarrell eut the end of
his thumb off. He was mowing the
Rattlesnakes have ' been discovered
near Wichita. Thus does Providence
again provide for those who simply
must have an excuse ror snaice Due
Judge Andrews, whom the Populists
elected district judge out in Rush and
adjoining counties for several terms,
has turned plutocrat. He is a banker
and has Just built a three-story house.
Terrible idea suggested by the Hol
ton Recorder: Suppose the teamsters
driving the brewers beer wagons in
Kansas City. Kan., should conclude to
strike, who would be responsible for
those who would famish from thirst?
"Secretary Cortelyou has called in
all the $10,000 bills of currency now
out," explains Gomer Davies. and he
adds: "We make mention of this fact
at this time, so that the local grocers
may understand why we may ask
credit for a few weeks, until we can
get our bills changed into a smaller
Ottawa Herald: C. E. Reed, who
brings in a wagon load of milk every
day from Pomona, had to put four
horses to his load this morning on ac
count of the mud. He has been bring
ing in about 2.000, pounds of milk ev
ery day for about two years and eacn
load nets him about $25. The milk
is -not quite all his own; he hauls some
for other farmers.
No inconsiderable part of the in
come of express companies comes
from cream.- . Listen to this from the
Atchison Globe: "What was probably
the largest quantity Of cream ever han
dled by the messengers of the Central
Branch on a single run was put on
board last Saturday night. Part of it
was unloaded at Concordia, and the
balance went to St. Joe. It consisted
of 509 cans, and weighed 60,900
Match-it-if-you-can item from the
Sabetha Herald: "Guess this will hold
Kansas City society for awhile. A
Nemaha county man Is putting up his
entire family at the hotel Marie An
toinette in New York to the tune .. of
five dollars a day apiece, and to the
number four for a month, to attend
the nuptials of his daughter. The
wedding itself will cost him $3,000 to
say nothing of bridal gifts, trousseau,
etc. There now."
From the Philadelphia Record.
A man has to have a certain amount
of wisdom to realize what' a fool he is.
The fellow who turns tail must ex
pect to be talked about behind his
There are lots of men under a cloud
who never stole an umbrella in their
The people who preach that honesty
s the best policy have evidently tried
One way to stand well with the
women Is to give up your seat to them
In a crowded car.
A girl can't always tell how much a
fellow loves her from the way he
takes to drink after she has refused
A man feels cheap when he thinks
he has been libeled until he brings
suit, and then he places the highest
value on himself.
Mrs. Bugglns "James, dear, wake
up: I'm sure there is something mov
ing down in the cellar." Mr. Bugglns
"Oh, go to sleep; it's only the gas
Magistrate "Tou are charged with
being drunk and disorderly; what
have you to say for yourself?" Pris
oner "Tour Honor, my only excuse
is that my wife is cleaning house;
can't you send me up for ten days?"
First West Philadelphlan "It takes
me 35 minutes to get home every
evening." Second West Philadelphlan
-"Why, I get home, in 15 minutes,
and I live right around the corner
from you." First West: Philadelphlan
"Yes. but you walk and I use .the
From the Chicago News.
Honesty is the best paid-up policy.
Anything that is almost right is
It's well to remember that It is a
mistake to forget a favor.
A confidence man has very little
confidence In other people.
" You can't dodge the worst by sitting
down and hoping for the best.
The man who lives in the past car
ries his headlight on the wrong end.
If a woman is willing to let a man
talk it Is because she has nothing to
Anyway, the weather hasn't In
spired much poetry of the beautiful
One trip on the sea of matrimony is
sufficient to induce a prolonged spell
" There seems to be more charitable
ness connected with the brotherhood
of man than there is with the sister
hood of woman.
EDUCATION THAT WTTTPS.
Western states are beginning to pay
attention to the sort of education that
will improve the state. Colorado is
cnieny a minin- state and lare-e an
propriations are made each year to
c-lciiu me work of the School o
Mines. Missouri's natural industries
are diversified, and, besides support
ing a competent school of mines, t
great deal of attention is given to the
State College of Agriculture. For two
years this college has been working
un a map snowing the details and va
rious soil types of every township in
iu Buiie. mapping is to be fol
lowed by careful rhomlral omlna
tions, and field experiments on each
particular type. The object is to help
the farmers to cultivate their land
more intelligently, and raise more
crops from the land. In one locality
wi- yieia or waeat has been increased
un-cn uusneis per acre by - proper
irraiment or the soil. Just think
what a great benefit this work will be
to the state when it is completed. The
Kansas State Agricultural college has
in recent years made special effort to
-aucate tne farmers to a more Intel
ngent handling of their land and
crops. Many farmers turn up their
uuk-b at mis scientific farm ni while
others take advantage of the free edu
cation ana Droflt bv it. Thi stats Ag
ricultural college endorsed the King
roaddrag several years ago. but it
can not make- some farmers believe it
is to their advantage to use it. This
college has found out by years of ex
perimenting now to select the heut
seed that is fertile, and will produce a
guuu nana an over tne neld. There
are sensible iniDrovements everv dav
in every line of business, and there is
no reason why there should not be im
proved ways of farming. Atchison
" " IMPROBABLE.
In the first place, the storv that the
president yelled at the Georgia ora
tors to "cut it out" lacks nlausihllitv.
Anybody but a nature faker such as
tne president Is not knows that the
habit of the public- speaker, when
aroused, is not to cut It out but to
string it out. The president can
hardly - be . charged with having ig
nored the customs of the animal.
KANSAS CITY'S DEPOT.
The new depot grant in Kansas Citv
is good for 999 years. By the time the
grant expires Kansas City will, it is
oeuevea. be ready to build a new de
pot- Ottawa Herald,
SHOWS GOOD SENSE.
A Howard, Kansas, boy of 19 years.
sent out here as a waif from New
York when 12 years old, has fallen
heir to a fortune of half a million
dollars through the death of his fath
er in Cape Town, South Africa. The
lad's first investment, he says, will be
In a Kansas farm which will be fixed
up to suit him, and this shows that he
has the sense to take care of his
money. Concordia Blade.
MARK AS AN ADVERTISER.
The best object lesson in advertls
ing is Mark Twain. A man of little
ability, he had -written himself out
years ago. No one reads his books
any more. And yet Mark Twain is in
the fore front of public attention. He
Is a first class advertiser. With him it
Is a business and he makes it pay.
j-iawrence jouim.u. --
' ' rOSTMXSTEfeg DO IT.
They are already 'discussing the
candidates ror congress: in the Sixth
district. That Isone thing we do not
have to bother with in this district
the postmasters take all that trouble
off our minds and settle It for us.
PROM OTHER PEIIS
WHERE CANNON IS UNPOPULAR
Speaker Cannon is now loud in his
appreciation of the Jamestown expo
sition. If he had not been so obstin
ate in sitting on the lid of the treasury,
and had allowed the appropriation
oiu to come to a vote ln due season
everything would have been finished
and in apple-pie order on the opening
aay. ine people or tnis section feel
that they owe Mr. Cannon nothing for
tne -aid tne exposition received from
the government. A large majority of
me memDers oi tne nouse were ready
ana anxious to vote ror the bill from
the moment of its introduction, and
it was passed over his head by a flank
movement from the senate. We take
no Interest personally in the burning
oi gunpowaer ana salutes by blank
cartridges, but he is one Cannon we
should like to see fired. Norfolk Virginian-Pilot.
A TRUSTLESS TRUST.
A merger of the Nature Fakirs as
sociation and the Ananias club would
be. regarded at the White House as a
formidable combination of undesirable
citizens. Hartford Times.
Mr. Delmas has gone to San Fran
cisco to defend some of the men in
dicted In connection with the whole
sale graft unearthed ln that city. With
these clients there will be no question
of "angel children" or "Sir Galahads."
They are mostly charged with beln-
Just plain, practical boodlers. Balti
more American. . .
THE PENSION ROLL.
The pension roll is the expedient we
resort to to make unnecessary a large
standing army. It makes for patriot
ism in time of peace and in time of
war. It will serve the stead of a mil
lion recruiting sergeants in our next
big war, and we may have such a war
on hand most any fine day when we
feel most secure from It. It is money
well spent. Washington Post.
Just now the city of San Francisco
is affording considerable amusement
to the outside world, but by and by
the practices which prompt much gib
ing will be attentively studied and
then perhaps it will be seen that we
are wiser than our critics, and that the
safest plan is to keep scoundrels in
office. There is one advantage attach
ed to this method of governing a mu
nicipality. There is no chance for the
people to be deceived because the ras
cals have already been found out.
San Francisco Chronicle.
. "Let's see who was Harry Thaw?"
asks a contemporary. What's the
matter with your memory? Harry
Thaw is the man who shot Nan Pat
terson, an actress, ln a cab, and came
very near losing his job as president
of the steel trust in consequence. It
was only a few years ago. Kansas
A CROSS LIBEL?
- Boston greeted Kuroki with cries of
Beansail. Minneapolis Journal.
Be wise, my son but do not turn
From ways well worn to look
For something that you didn't learn
In your old copy book.
The world will cheer with one accord
' If stoutly you contend
That virtue Is Its own reward
Triumphant ln the end.
Do not explore through statesmen's lore
or economic truins.. .
But pass out freely, o'er and o'er.
The precepts of our youths.
Recite them loudly, one by one.
And learn them all by heart.
They'll make hit. Be wise, my son,
But do not bo too smart.
The First Enlisted Union Man.
A contest for the honor of being the
first man to enlist in the army or tne
north during the Civil war has been in
progress in congress and in the war
department bureaus between William
M. De Hart, of Logansport, Ind., and
Charles Franklin Rand, of Washing
ton, both doctors. The claims of De
Hart have been in the hand of Sena
tor Albert J. Beyerldge and Congress
man Frederick Landis. His cham
plons have been fighting to gain for
the Logansport man an honor mat nas
already been bestowed upon the
Washington man bv act of Congress.
They are fighting to secure for In
diana an honor which they claim has
been wrongly appropriated, by act of
the legislature at Albany, as a preroga
tive of the state of New York.
Within an hour after the news of
the fall of Fort Sumter had been flash
ed over the wires. De Hart had enroll
ed himself the first, as he believes, of
an army that, all told, subsequently
consisted of 2.778.304 men. The rec
ords of congress and the records of
New York state, however, declare
Rand to have been the first. These
same records also show Rand enlisted
two days after De Hart. Documents
sent to Washington attest the enlist
ment of De Hart at 9 o clock, April is.
1861. The honors Rand has been giv
en were based on oiriciai recoras
showing he enlisted April 15th and
was mustered in May 13, 1861. Mean
while, De Hart, according to his sup
porters, was already on his way to the
front, arriving in time to participate in
the first battle of the Civil war at
Phllippi, June 3rd.
De Hart's documents Indicate he en
listed two days before Lincoln's call
for 75,000 troops. Rands claim is
simply to have been "the first man to
volunteer after Lincoln's call," and
this honor awarded him by congress,
it Is claimed, makes no recognition of
several Indiana men who. seeing 'the
nation's peril, volunteered before the
call was issued. In Albany's state
house Rand's picture Is hung, with a
record of his history as the first vol
unteer among the 448,850 men the
state sent to the war. Honors have
been showered upon Rand by Eng
land. Russia, Germany, France, Persia.
Mexica. Egypt. India, Norway and
Japan. The war department has giv
en him a large pension; the senate
records devote six pages to a tribute
to his services; and a lot in Arlington
cemetery, Washington, has been pre
sented to him to shelter his remains
when "taps" sounds. De Hart does
not seek to disparage one triumph of
Rand, but demands recognition as the
first volunteer of the northern army.
A. R. Keesling in Leslie's Weekly.
.Did Ho Plan to Assassinate Lincoln?.
In Harper's for June. Col. W. H.
Crook, who was Lincoln's personal body
guard, tells how a mysterious stranger
whom he believes to have been Surrat
attempted to reach President Lincoln at
Not long before the final assault up
on Petersburg."1 says - Col. - Crook, "a
curious- incident happened.- A man
came on board the River Queen and
asked Captain Bradford if he could see
the president. He was referred to me.
Mr. Lincoln Instructed me not to ad
mit any one but General Grant or Ad
miral Porter, so I told the man that the
president was not to be seen. The visi
tor became very much excited. He said
that he had rendered Mr. Lincoln valu
able services in Illinois during his cam
paign for the presidency, and had spent
large sums of money. He was in trou
ble; he must see the president. He
protested that he was known to Mr.
Lincoln personally. I asked his name.
At first he refused to give it, but flnal-
al said that it was 'Smith' and that he
lived near Mr. Lincoln s home in Illi
nois. I went to the president and carried
Smiths ' message. Mr. Lincoln laughed
at first. 'Smith Is, of course, an uncom
mon name." Then he became serious.
If what he says is true, I would know
him. But I do not. The man is an im
postor, and I won't see him.'
I went back to 'Smith' with the pres
ident's answer. The man was very
much disturbed, and again begged to
be allowed to see him. When that fall
ed he tried to bribe me to take him to
Mr. Lincoln. I ordered him to leave the
boat at once, and when he delayed told
him I would have him arrested if he
did not. He turned to Captain Bradford
and said defiantly. If Mr. Lincoln does
not know me now, he will know me
damned soon after he does see me.' He
went on shore, and the moment after
he had crossed the gangplank he dis
appeared. I watched him, but could not
see "where he had gone.
After the death of Mr. Lincoln, every
one was anxious to discover the ac
complices of the murderer. I called at
tention to this man 'Smith who had
tried so hard to be admitted to Lincoln's
presence at City Point. It was known
that Surrat had been at City Point at
that time, and I was requested to visit
Surrat and see If I could identify him
as 'Smith.' I went to court, and Taddle
went with me. I had seen Surrat before
the war; we had lived ln the came coun
ty in Maryland. I think 'Smith' and
Surrat were the same man. It was Im
possible for me to be absolutely sure.
For 'Smith' was ragged and dirty and
very much sunburnt; he looked like a
tramp. While Surrat, at the time I
saw him, looked like a very sick man,
pale and emaciated. In every other re
spect they looked alike. The difference
in appearance might easily have been
brought about by circumstances or by a
slight disguise. I shall always believe
that Surrat was seeking an opportunity
to assassinate the president at this
His Strongest Expression.
In his weekly lecture to the students
of Clark college. President Carroll D.
Wright, who was former commissioner
of labor in Washington, today spoke
of the characteristics of President
Roosevelt, whom he has known for
twenty-five years. Among other things.
President Wright said: "He is impul
sive, vigorous, and full of action; so
frank that he Is sometimes brutal.
frank to the point of being indiscreet;
impulsive ln speech, but not in action;
man who has his faults, yet one
whom we can not help loving. He is
Indiscreet in his Judgment of stran
gers." President wrignt also told or tne
only swear word ever used by Mr.
Roosevelt. The latter said to him dur
ing the big coal strike:
"Weil go into tnis coal strike u it
takes a lex."
Wright replied: "Yes, we'll go Into
it if it takes a life."
"Yes, by George, we will," respond
ed the president. Worcester Dispatch
to Cincinnati Enquirer. -
THE EVENING STORY
Behind the Choir Curtain.
(By Virginia Blair.)
There had been an Immense amount
of irreverence In the choir before tha
neWj Soprano came. The Tenor and the
contralto and the Bass and the old
Soprano had flirted from the opening
anthem to the benediction, and as they
were hidden from the congregation by a
green baize curtain there had been ao
scandal, although certain members of
the session had complained of weird
sounds that had seemed to echo from
the organ loft and die ln the steeple,
With the advent of the new Soprano,
however, came' a different state of af
fairs. Both the Tenor and the Bass fell
ln love with her at sight, and the con
tralto, being 40 and fat and fair, sub
mitted comfortably to the new singer's
conquest and smiled on her ln a way
unprecedented in choir history, where
the green-eyed monster is supposed to
The new Soprano was not Irreverent,
and hence it came about that romance
was succeeded by religion, and tho
Tenor and the Bass paid strict atten
tion to the responses and to the sermon,
and bent their heads during prayers; al
though so earnest were the Soprano's
meditations that the Bass was con
strained now and then to glance at her,
and after intercepting the Tenor's ard
ent observation would again seem wrap
ped in his devotions.
At the time of the opening prayer the
sun came through the rose window. A
white dove spread his wings against
the stained glass background, and- as
the Soprano stood up for her solo and
seemed to hover over her head, and her
shining hair made a golden halo.
"Oh, she's too good to be true," the
Bass told the Tenor as they went home
together one Sunday in May.
"She is perfect." the Tenor declared.
fervently; "we are a lot of sinners, and
she has come among us like a little
saint to make us ashamed of our
It was discovered after three weeks
that the Bass had given up smoking.
In five weeks the Tenor signed the
pledge, and In six the Contralto stop
ped bleaching her hair and came to
choir practice with her head tied up
in a veil to hide the Inevitable dis
crepancies as to color.
She's a dear little thing," she con.
tided to the Bass. "She is poor and
takes care of her mother."
I'll take care of them both," the
Bass declared, ardently, "if she will
The Tenor having made the same
statement, the Contralto carried the
news to the Soprano.
They are both in love with you,
my dear." she whispered one Sunday
morning wnen tne green curtain naa
been drawn and the congregation had
settled down comfortably to hear the
I'd rather not talk about such
things ln church if you don't mind,'
the Sonrano said, gently, and the Con
tralto agreed hastily and gave her
earnest attention to the preacher
But tell me one thing," the Tenor
said to the Contralto, confidentially, at
choir practice, "how are we going to
ask her? Her mother walks home
with her after all the services, and she
hasn't asked us to call, and she won't
talk about . secular things In church,
and there you are!"
Is love a secular thing?" the Con
tralto questioned, sentimentally. ., ..
"She says it is," the Tenor stated
but I think It is divine."
Things came to something of a
climax when the Soprano's . mother
was taken sick.
"Now is your chance," said the Con
tralto, all in a-flutter, as she leaned
toward the Tenor.
But the Bass was already begging
I had hoped you might let me.
the Tenor said, as he stumbled over
two chairs to get to her.
Why not both of you? ' said the
Soprano, "it's on your way home, and
you will be company for each other
the rest of the way,"
'Oh, tho aggravation of her,"
groaned the Tenor, as he went to get
his hat, and the Bass said things to
himself in a dark corner.
The Soprano invited them in, and
they found her mother sitting up ln a
big' chair, and they had tea and
muffins served by the angelic hands of
the Soprano, who seemed more de
sirable than ever in this setting of do
mesticity. "We might as well meet it like
men," the Bass told the Tenor as they
went home afterwards. 'We both
love her, and if we are ever going to
get a chance to ask her, one of us will
have to stay away next Sunday night,
and the other one can take her
"Well," the Tenor agreed, "but how
shall we decide who will take her?"
"I'll toss a nickel," said the Bass.
"Heads I win.-' And he forthwith
flipped one, and it turned up tails.
"Just my luck," said the Bass,
gloomily, "but if you have the good
looks I have the brains, and I shall
know how to plead my oase when the
The Tenor was Jubilant.
"I shall have first chance," Jie said.
When he talked to the Contralto on
Sunday morning the Bass was not san
guine. "The Tenor Is young and hand
some and I won't be in it."
. The Contralto comforted him.
"If I had the choosing I should pick
you out," she said, and something ln her
voice made the Bass turn and look at
her. She had on her new summer hat,
and her hair was prettily brown where
it had grown out, and there was about
her an effect of youth and jauntiness
that belled her forty years, and that
made the Bass with his weight of forty-five,
"You are always my good friend." he
said, and squeezed her hand ever so
slightly, as he rose to sing a duet with
In the solo part the Tenor's voice
rang out with such a note of triumph
that the Soprano caught her breath as
she heard it. It was if she had rang
I love, love, love," and yet the words
were sacred. Within the breast of the
little Soprano something new stirred,
something that was touched with the
breath of divinity, so that it seemed no
sacrilege for her to think of it ln the
How beautifully he sings;" she said
to the Contralto, and the Contralto
agreed. "Yes, dear," but her eyes were
on the Bass, who now took up tne
When the Tenor sat down, the So
prano whispered ln the shelter of the
curtain, "How beautifully you sang."
And the Tenory said. "I sang to you.
and between them flashed a glance that
made the Bass groan, and he murmured
to the Contralto. "The game is up. I
have lost. They are talking love ln
It's as good a place as any," said
the Contralto. " "There's nothing half so
sweet in life as love's young dream.' "
She wiped her eyes as she said It, and
the Bass found himself asking:
"Do you really think that young love
Is as steadfast as the love of old
"Have yon Just found that cut, ;
Billy?" the Contralto questioned.
"You have helped me to find It out,"
said the Bass, and he squeezed her hand
under her hymn book.
And under the hymn book of the So
prano the hands of the two young
"The beautiful part Is that yau told ,j
me in church," said the Soprano, with jf
her blue eyes, lighted with divine Are. T
"Yes, that is the. beautiful part.
said the Tenor, as, regardless of the1
Contralto and the Bass, he kissed her .
beneath th ta i,.t.. a
- . - - uxtC V Ul m
f'nnTtl.ht 1Qrt7 v. T- t . .
hVMOR OF TNE DAY
"My friend Greathead has actually In
vented a flying machine, you know." "In
deed? Has he given it a practical test
yet;'.. "oh no he' -"'I alive." Phil
"Going out of town this summer?" "No;
but I'll have my regular relaxation.''
"What's that?""Planning to go next sum
mer." Philadelphia Ledger..
Bowles Surely no one questions that
charity covers a multitude of sins. Thom
as I think not; and one might truthfully
add that it not infrequently exposes a
great number of sinners. Smart Set.
"Your digestion is badly out of order,
madam," said the doctor. "You will
have to diet." "What is the most fash
ionable color, doctor?" asked Mrs. Nurlch
ln a bored manner. Punch Bowl.
Hicks One result of race suicide Is that
the science or genealogy la going to get
easier and easier with every succeeding
generation. Wicks You forget about the
increase of divorce. Somerville Journal.
Convict No. 1144 crawled out noiselessly
through a drainpipe that had Just been
connected with the Interior of the prison.
"This," he said, as he looked cautiously
around and then hiked through the dark
ness for the nearest timber, "is what you
might call a new thing ln criminal pro
cedure." Chicago Tribune.
"You really should be more economic
al," said Wiseman. "O!" replied Galley.
"I will be tome day." "Yes; some day
you'll have to be." "All right; if 1 have
to I won't mind It so much." Philadel
"And so, young man, you wish to marry
you wisn to marry
Blr. We love each jr
urse. But are you JF
b her the alimony a
sn accustomed T'-r
my aaugnter; "Yes.
other, and " "Of cour
sure than you can give
to which she has been
"Mamma, why don't you want me to
play with that Kudger boy?" "Because,
dear, I know the family. He hasn't good
blood ln him." "Why. mamma, he's been
vaccinated twice, and It wouldn't take
either time." Chicago Tribune.
"So your daughter Intends to pursue
her studies abroad?" "Yes,'' replied the
self-made man, "she pretends she does,
but between me and you I don't believe
she stands the least show of overtakin'
'em." Chicago Record-Herald.
"Don't you think," said the candid
member of the city board, "that we ought
to open the door and take the public In
on this business?" "But, my dear col
league," returned another, "If we open
the door, we can't take them In." Balti
"John." why are you raising that win
dow? Don't you know I will be unable
to speak above a whisper by morning?"
"Yes'm." Houston Post.
"Did Bulger say anything unkind of me
when he visited you?" "Yes." said the
Boston girl. "I'm sorry, but he did. He
called you an epidermis." Judge.
"We have left undone the things we
should have done," acknowledged the fair
worshlDer. "It's all right, dear." whis
pers a motherly soul In the pew back of
her. "It's not undone any more., : I reach
ed over and hooked It while you was
standing up." St. Louis Republic.
R ii I tor I have come to ask for your
daughter's hand ln marriage. Mr. Motor-
man So? Well, sir, can you support her
ln the style of cars to which she is ac
customed? Brooklyn Life.
-A ... ... .11, that
, V , 1, I i ivj i. nil l iii'i, jwu.. -
ster of yours as you used to be." said
I "t'1' J II1TUU. -' " . 1 ' ' , , ill, ,, 1, J oa-nt,
I'm not." replied Popley. "Every month
I used to have to buy myself a new pair
of slippers and him a new pair of pants."
(From the Atchison Globe.) y
A real young girl Is frequently about
as foolish as she talks.
You hear a good deal of growing old
gracefully. Did anyone ever do it?
How people economized in the old
days! But not many people do It now.
When a man gets an idea he is a
poet, you can't do much with him un
til he wakes up.
His brain storm seems Important as
being about the only evidence that
Thaw "has a brain.
The most desirable chaperon Is the
woman who is so young she really needs
A smoker never has enough matches
to make him resist an opportunity to
steal a few more.
You can prove anything by an ex
pert, since they don t agree any bet
ter than ordinary mortals.
The trouble with a Job secured by a
"pull," Is that a man is likely to bo
pushed out at any time.
Almost any man can talk seriously
about faith cures until he gets some
thing the matter with him.
When you have it in for someone and
let yourself go, you have taken a long
stride towards the insane asylum.
No matter what church you Join,
your future outlook Isn't very bright
to the members of the other organisa
tions. The children of a novel reading moth
er usually have a good deal to contend
with, besides the names she gives them.
The man who feels he isn't getting
enough exercise, is usually willing to
take it at anything which doesn't re
People are peculiar. The men who
wear soft felt hats always cave them
in on top, although the hats were not
made to wear that way. Where did the
Idea originate that soft felt hats should
be caved in at the top?
How men kill time! When we were
a boy, living on a farm in Missouri, we
remember the Rogers boys, who were
always offering to bet. One day they
got up a discussion as to whether a
mouse could be killed by hanging It by
the neck. They caught a mouse, and
tried the experiment. The mouse paid
no attention to being hanged by the
neck, so they gradually added weight
to its tall. The experiment was not an
Important one, yet the Rogers boys
spent nearly a day In working at It.
Two Shades sat on an overturned
tombstone, and the discontented ex
pression on the face of one aroused the
curiosity of the other. "What's the mat
ter?" he inquired: "You have been
here only two days, but don't you think
you will like it?" "I am not sore at
you Shades," was the reply: "it's my
obituary that makes me cross. It says
what a good business man I was, how
kind and considerate I was to my em
ployes, what a tender husband and
father, but not one blamed word about
the way I kept the dandelions out of
my ward. This lack of appreciation
makes me tired." And he gave such a
sigh that he blew himself into the
next lot. ,
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