The Topeka state journal. [volume], December 31, 1908, LAST EDITION, Image 8

About The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980

Image provided by: Kansas State Historical Society; Topeka, KS

                
TOPEKA STATE JOURNAL,
DAY EVENING, DECEMBER
1908.
COMES
IWI
W
YEARS
I V !i i
OFF WITH THE GOODS.
'How swiftly this old earth revolves,"
He says, with husky cough.
"I think I'm full of good resolves
Or something! I'll swear off."
RANG UP WRONG NURSERY
A",
anxious mother determines to '
ring up the dav nursery to ask
for some advice as to her child. Call
ing for the nursery, she is given Gott
fried Gluber, florist and tree dealer.
The following conversation ensues:
"I called for the nursery. Is this the j
nursery?" ;
"Yes. ma'am."
"I am so worried about my little
Rose."
"Vat seems to be der madder?"
"Oh, not so very much, perhaps, but
just a general listlessnoss and lack of
life."
"Ain'd growing right, eh?"
"N'o. sir." '
"Veil. 1 vill dell you vat to do. You
dake der scissors and cut off aboud
two inches from der limbs, und"
"Wha-a-at?"
"I say. dake der scissors und cut off
aboud two inches from der limbs, !
A FARREACHING STRIKE.
"I was at Brown's this morning, and
there didn't appear to be anybody
home. Have they gone away?"
"Xo; the cook struck."
"And they have broken up house
keeping?" "Xo: she struck the second girl, and
ihe whole blessed family had to go to
court."
BUT HE DIDN'T ASK.
Willie was paying a visit, and he
found the intervals between meals
longer than usual.
"I ain't going to ask for any cake,"
In- remarked at last blandly.
"That's very nice of you, Willie,"
said his hostess.
"Because," he went on loudly, ignor
ing her remark, "in houses where la
dies is polite to little boys I don't
have to."
Willie got his cake.
READY FOR THE EXHIBIT.
The Miss My! If only de
could see me nuw!
push j
hose on it
der morn
101 amuu iuur uuujs iu
ing"
"Wha-a-at?" And the receiver vi-
i brated at her tone.
"Turn der garten hose on for aboud
four hours in der morning;, und den
piie a Jot of piack dirt all around und
shprinkle mit insegt jowter all ofer
der top"
"Sir-r-r!"
"Shprinkle mit insegt powter all ofer
der top. You know it is usually nod
dings but pugs dot"
"How dare you, sir? What do you
mean by such language to me?"
"Noddings, but pugs usually causes
der troubles, und den you vant to vash
der rose mit a liquid breparations I
half for sale here"
"Who in the world are you anyway?"
"Gottfriend Gluber, der florist."
"O-o-oh!" rather weakly. "Good
by.'
A Lost Day.
AYOU.VG boy got a job with a
Scottish farmer once.
"Ye'll sleep in the barn," the farmer
said, "and I'll expect you to be oot in
the field ilka morn at 4 o'clock." j
"Very well, sir," said the boy. !
But the first morning he overslept a '
little, and it was 4:30 when he
reached the field. !
The farmer, leaning on his hoe, gave j
him a black look.
"Where have ye been all the fore- i
noon?" he growled. I
NOTHING ELSE.
"Don't you think that for such a
wealthy chap Swellington takes his
I pleasures seriously?"
i "He has to. They are all he has to
worry about."
HER FEAR.
Caddie Why don't you hit it as
hard as you can?
The Girl I'm afraid it would tire us
to walk as far as the ball would go.
und den turn der garten
SUPERLATIVE DEGREE.
"Make this a happy New Year for me. Marry me, and 1 promise
Harold:
Evelyn: "I want you to be a better man, "but" .
Harold: "But you cannot trust me? Say not so, fairest, of your"
Evelyn: "Not that, exactly. But. you see Well, 111 tell you what I can
do. I can ask George to let you be the
to be married soon."
Lacked Presence of Mind.
IN the criminal court in Baltimore a
darky was on trial for stealing a
watch which he had pawned. He was
identified by the owner as the person
who grabbed the watch out of his
pocket, yet the darky claimed he was
innocent. When asked -how he came
in possession of the watch, he said:
"I was standing on the corner when
a man comes up to me and says he is
hard up and hasn't a cent to buy food ;
with, and he wants tp sell me this j
watch for $3. I knew I could get $4
on it in pawn, and I felt sorry for him
and bought the watch for $3 and
pawned it for J4. That's how I got
the watch." ,
The prosecutor then asked, if he had
bought the watch for $3, knowing he
could pawn it for $4, simply to help
the man along because he felt sorry
for him, why he did not advise him to
pawn it himself and then he would
have had $4 instead of $3.
"Wen. you see," said the prisoner,
"I didn't have the presence of mind to
do dat."
REASONS OF HER OWN.
Mr. Porcupine You say you love
me. Miss Porcupine. Why won't you
come tomy arms??
SOME
Little Jimmy Jiggs resolves to steal
Mr. Crimsonbeak resolves to quit
best man. You see, George and are
MISJUDGED.
Maude Father declares I am his
greatest treasure.
Harry Indeed! Then he isn't as
wealthy as I supposed. - -
JUST FOR THE MONEY.
"Who ever told her she couM sing?"
"Nobody, only the teacher who got $3
i for each, vocal lesson."
NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS.
no more jam.
The janitor resolves
drinking.
IN THE DARK.
Maude kissed me last night.
It was dark when she did it;
With a squeal of delight
Maude kissed jne last night
By mistake 'twas all right
I would never forbid it:
Maude kissed me last night.
It was dark when she did it.
BRIBERY AND CORRUPTION.
"I get a penny every time I take my
tonic."
"What do you do with them?"
"Mother puts 'em in a money box
till there's enough and then buys an
other bottle of tonic."
CONFIDENTIAL.
First Doctor Did you ever lose a
patient?
Second Doctor Yes; there was young
Dinks. He recovered and hasn't come
near the place since.
MUTUAL INDIGNATION.
He (indignantly) Your father said
that I was as homely as your puppy.
! She (also indignantly) Why, how
! can father say that? My ouonv is
j anything but homely.
. MVktfJB .IPAt. I ft rf n I ll I I I .( II 0'J .'V7T-SI I BrVKi"
Plaint of the Poetess.
HTHE poetess lay in her narrow bed
and stared with pain glazed eyes j
at the dirty ceiling overhead, noting.
as one in a dream, the great holes in
it and half forming a wish that it
would rain no more. The sun was
high in the heavens. With fancy's
eye she could see it flooding hill and
dale with golden glory, dispelling au
tumnal mists in forest glades and
lending richer, rarer tints to the gor
geous livery of the woods. In fancy.
too, she could hear the sweet songs of !
birds, the merry laugh of happy chil
dren gamboling on village greens, and
her whole soul rose in revolt and her
heart cried out with its, pain. She I
longed to leave her bed and be up and!
away, nut sne Knew that it was an
impossibility.
"Oh," she cried in her agony of
spirit, "why doesn't that washerwo
man bring my bloomers?" Beating!
her pillow frenziedly. the poetess
cursed the day she chose literature
for a profession.
TWICE HAPPY.
He listened to his wedding bells
With unaffected glee;
j You should have heard his joyous yells
- When by divorce set free.
to give Mr. Secondflat more heat.
And Jones resolves to stop quarreling with his mother-in-law.
ni md re mm
I 1
THE BEST HE
Dicky Dumpling sits up to
.fhm vmrzm i&r " ' "aiffSk ires RXrrr
1 IWYT'TrV mm'
AN ALL TOGETHER.
Dicky Dumpling takes a few of his presents to bed with him.
. HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF.
"NT
Y husband
is just too mean for
anything!"
There were tears in the eyes of the
young wife as she said the words, but
as it was into her mother's confiding
ears she poured her tale of woe her
grief was hidden from the world at
large.
"He, he" this was not laughter, but
sobs "used to be cheated dreadful
when he bought his cigars, paying $5
and $6 a box for them, and here, when
I saw some lovely large ones at Lacy's
for $1.19 a box, with a picture of a
beautiful Spanish girl in the loveliest
mantilla on the lid. I bought ten boxes
for him as a Christmas present, and
His Wife Was Wise.
AT one of the largest playhouses in
this city recently at the end of
the first act a fire insurance man hur
riedly arose and said to his wife:
"I hear an alarm of fire. I must go
and see where and what it is."
She heard no alarm, but silently
made way for his exit.
"It wasn't fire," he said, returning in
time for the second act.
"Nor 'water, either, I'm guessing,"
said his wife, and she was a good
guesser.
GETTING ALONG.
Maud How is Mr. Blushman getting
along? Has he proposed yet?
Edith No, but he is improving. The
first night he called he held the album
in his hands all the evening. The
second night he had my pug dog in
his arms. Last night he held Willie
on his lap for an hour. I have hopes.
COULD DO.
see the New Year in.
si .rami
.
he, he" here 'she sobbed again "told
me after looking them over coldly that
he was going to swear off smoking
New Year's!"
"Never mind, dear," said the mother
soothingly. "It is just like a man. I
bought cigars, oh, a real bargain, for
your father once, and he told me the
same story. After I had given them
to the washerwoman's husband he
started to smoke again froo!"
But just then a woman passed the
window wearing a handsome fur coat,
and in debating as to whether it was
a genuine Persian, lamb or a $19.19
imitation " their -mutual misery Over
male perversity was forgotten.
IN HARMONY.
"I met Miss De Swell and her swell
French poodle the other morning. Sha
gave me a haughty bow."
"And what did the dog do?"
"Why, he gave me a haughty bow
bow!" EXPLAINING HIS, CONDITION.
"And you tell your wife everything?"
"Well, yes."
"Did you tell her that I brought you
home tiie other night when you
couldn't remember your street or num
ber?" "I didn't have to toll her that. She
looked out of the window and saw
you."
"And what did you till her'.'"
"I told her that you had one of the
worst cases of contagious intoxication
I had ever been exposed to."
CONSOLING.
Penelope I cannot see how Ethel
can bear to have her fiance play foot
ball. Constance Oh, Ethel is one of those
people who would look especially well
in mourning.
VERY MUCH ALIKE.
Mrs. J. Mrs. (fabs was at the house
this morning. She reminds me of an
automobile. '
Mr. J. What's the answer, my dear?
Mrs. J. She's always running other
people down.
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