The Topeka state journal. [volume], March 16, 1912, LAST EDITION, Image 8

About The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980

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THE TOPEKA DAILY STATE JOURNAL SATURDAY EVENING, MARCH 16, 1912.
IWttd THvn r ? mr On The Hundred Greatest
U - iAT Al M JHL AItELTWT T3 Ctvtt tT' Tk..T,
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it
to wind
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rcrKin.
"I
Ley re iibie
Ephraim
SEE," said Mr. Dooley, "that a lot iv
people has been asked to make out a list
iv th' hundherd er-reatest men in th
wurruld that ar-re now dead."
" I didn't know there were that manny," said
Mr. Hennessy.
"No more did I," said Mr. Dooley. "But
judgin' be what's been turned in be th' boys as
their pick iv th' wurruld's champeenship team
there's not a hundherd there's a millyon. I
don't know most iv thim. They done things in
thrades that I know nawthin' about. Ye see, ivry
wan that's asked puts down names iv la-ads in
their own business. They all start with Shak
speare, Wash'nton, an' Lincoln, but they're lible
to wind up with Ephraim Perkins, who was th'
champeen calcyminer iv his time.
"Twas Andhrew Carnaygie started it, iv
coorse. There's a man I like. He's good
comp'ny. Whin nobody is talkin' an' some people
ar-re thinkin' iv goin' home, he's always ready to
jump in and get up some kind iv parlor intertain
mint, whether 'tis rayformed spellin', or a peace
conference, or a hundherd gr-reatest men compy
tition. He turned in th' first list himsilf. As it
was orig'nally, d'ye mind, there were a hundherd
an' wan names on th' list, but he scratched off th
first wan, sayin', ' I don't want to crowd anny
good fellow out at the bottom,' he says. 'Ask
me who ar-re th' hundherd gr-reatest men in
histhry he says. ' Ye won't? Well, I'll tell ye
who they ar-re,' he says, an' he puts down Shak
speare, Wash'nton, Lincoln, Cyrus Butts, th' in
vintor iv th' pick; Lemuel Higgins, th' invintor
iv th' steam hoist ; th' man that discovered Poland
an' Bohayma, an' a lot iv other artists that done
things to make th' steel business what it is today.
He is right about it, too. He oughtn't to take all
th' blame himsilf.
" Well, he'd no sooner suggisted this rough but
injyable spoort thin th' whole wurruld set down
an' begun makin' out lists, an' ivry wan done just
as Andhrew done. Ivry man to his graft, as th'
savin' is. A pote picks out a hundherd potes
who he thinks ar-re in his class, or nearly so. A
banker can't see annybody but Shakspeare,
Wash'nton, an' Lincoln excipt th' boys that can
separate money with their thumbs. A bartinder
tells ye that th' customers he wud like to see on
a dull avenin' ar-re Shakspeare, Wash'nton, Lin
coln, an' th' janiuses that has had cocktails named
afther thim. It's a crowded ordher, but 'tis as
.2re a way to fame as anny I know, Cinchries
ir'm now Col. Rickey will be cillybrated whin
people can't raymimber whether it was Roodyard
Kipling or Laura Jean Libbey that lived in
Brooklyn. A mannyfacthrer iv furniture ac
knowedges that th' men that have had most influ
ence on his life were Shakspeare, Wash'nton,
Lincoln, an' th' invintor Iv curled hair. A gro
cery man says that his eyes ar-re dimmed with
tears ivry time he thinks iv Shakspeare, Wash'n
ton, Lincoln, an' th' author iv dhried apples.
Cassidy, who goes out to Celtic park ivry Sundah
Wl
th
""I supposed that th second tiling Adam hought was a pair
iv suspinders."
Tk- grocer thinkin' iv th' auth
or
iv
dhried antl
an' sprains his back thryin' to throw th' hammer
over his feet, thinks that nex' to th' athaleets
mentioned Flanagan, who cud throw th' hammer
over th' moon if he wanted to, is th' head iv th'
list. Ye'er little boy thinks it's th' dhriver iv
Hook an' Laddher Five. Ye'er oldest boy thinks
it's Cap Chance. Ye'er daughter thinks it's Jawn
Dhrew. An author heads th' list with th' two
Dutchmen that invinted printin', though Father
Kelly says authors was just as well off whin they
chalked their own novels on a piece iv slate an'
charged people so much a head to look at thim.
They were their own publisher in thim days.
" Ask a Chinyman to put down th' hundherd
gr-reatest men he iver heerd iv an' ye won't rec
onize a name onless it reminds ye iv wrere ye
lost a shirt. A German will pack th' list as full
iv Germans as a brass band. There'll be nawthin'
but Shakspeare an' Fr-rinch in th'' Fr-rinch list,
an' th' Rooshyan list wud make th' chief iv polis
sind out a riot call.
" An' they're right, all iv thim. If Shakspeare
goes on th' list because he cud throw a pome
farther thin anny man befure or since, Flanagan
ought to go on because he can throw th' hammer.
Jack Johnson is as gr-reat a man in his way as
Prisidint Eliot. They've both got th' punch, but
'tis in a diff'rent way. Look out iv th' window
at that fellow acrost th' sthreet climbin' up a der
rick with a hammer in wan hand, a monkey
wrench between his teeth, an' a bag iv spikes
hangin' fr'm his neck. Cud Hogan's frind Mil
ton do that? He cud not no more thin that
acrobat cud write ' Shurdan's Ride ' or whativer
it was. Manny a man that cud capture this here
city with wan hand cudden't bate a carpet.
Manny a man that cud rule a hundherd millyon
sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take
off his shoes in th' front hallway whin he comes
home late at night.
" What makes a man gr-reat annyhow. It
isn't because he's good, though it may be because
he isn't. Manny a hero iv antikity has a pitcher
iv somewan else in th' gcold watch th' boys in th
office give him f'r Chris'mas. It ain't because
he's betther iddycated thin others. There ar-re
fellows tachin' school in Waukegan that cud spell
betther thin Alexandher th' Gr-reat. It ain't
because he's pretty. An album filled with pitch
ers iv th' gr-reatest cud on'y be opened afther
dark. It ain't because they're brave. Manny a
man has voted th' Raypublican tickey in Missis
sippi without aven gettin' his name on th' tally
sheet. It ain't because they're forchnit. Th' on'y
fellows ye remimber who wint up in flyin
masheens last year ar-re thim that come down
too quick. An' it ain't because they plan things
in advance, f'r there was Columbus, whose name
is on manny lamp posts, an' he didn't find what
he wint lookin' f'r, Hogan tells me, an' it wasn't
America he discovered at first but a place called
Watling's island that he bumped into on his way
to Chiny, th' poor deluded Eyetalyan thinkin'.
Chiny was somewheres near Phillydelphy.
" So there ye ar-re. Befure ye pick out th'
apples.
gr-reatest men ye've got to tell me what is ye'er
idee iv a gr-reat man. Father Kelly says a man's
gr-reat who can do th' wan thing he knows how
to do betther thin most annywan else. That is,
if he has th' luck to cash in. Be that rule I can
prove ye're th' akel iv Joolyus Cayzar, f'r I've
obsarved ye'er scientific handlin' iv a shovel, me
boy, though I've niver mentioned it f'r fear iv
turnin' ye'er head.
" But whin I look over these lists I'm disap
pinted in not seein' th' mintion iv manny a bini
factor iv humanity that I've always looked up to.
I'm goin' to make out me own list. I've as good
a right as annywan. An' th' name I'll put down
fourth is th' fellow that invinted suspinders. I've
often talked to ye about him. He's wan iv me
gr-reatest heroes. I don't know his name, but
ivry time I look down at me legs an' see they're
properly dhraped I think kindly iv this anius. '
I wanst had an idee that suspinders was wan iv
th' oldest iv human institutions. I suppose fvry
body did. That's th careless way we take th'
gr-reat gifts iv science. We think there niver
was a time whin there weren't all these con
vayniences. We have no thought iv th' lone stu
dent settin' undher th' midnight lamp an' dopin'
thim out f'r th' benefit iv a thankless race. I
supposed that th' second thing Adam bought
afther he become ashamed iv himsilf an' he'd
ought not to be goin' around that way aven if
'twas on'y his own fam'ly that cud see him was
a pair iv suspinders to hold thim up. But it
ain't so. Fr'm what Hogan tells me they're
m willin to accipt anny- man's liat so Ion as it don't include tk' invinter iv th al
arm c
lock.
almost what ye might call a modhern invintion.
F'r eight thousan' years, accoordin' to Father
Kelly's count, or fV eight thousan' millyon years
th' way they add it up in th' colledges, th
wurruld wint without thim till this modest frind
iv man come along with an invintion that has
made it possible f'r mankind to fight th' battles
iv th' wurruld with both hands free. Iver since
Hogan told me this I can't read histhry without
puttin' in lines that make me shiver. " Give me
liberty or give me death,' says Pathrick Hinnery,
raisin' his hands above his head with a passyonate
gesture, accoordin' to histhry. ' Give me liberty
or give me death,' says Pathrick Hinnery, raisin'
wan hand above his head, accoordin' to me. No
wondher sojers in th' old times were brave. They
cudden't run away comfortably. An' I've always
wondhered how th' Fr-rinch cud talk at all in
thim dark days.
"Who else wud I put on me list? Faith, I
don't know. Manny gr-reat devilopments ha3
been made in me line iv business since liquor
merchants used to go ar-round sellin' pints out
iv a leather bag. I wud mention th' creators iv
th beer pump, th' cash registher, th combynation
cheese, cracker, an coffee plate, th' seegar
lighter, an' th' injanyous device f'r cuttin' off th'
ends iv seegars which in oncivilized peeryods was
bit off. So far as I'm consarned they were
gr-reater men thin th' heroes that made life
pleasanter f'r me frind Andhrew. But I'm willin'
to accipt anny man's list so long as it don't in
clude th' invintor iv th' alarm clock an' th' gas
meter. I've got thim on me other list 'Tis a
good sign whin people acknowledge that other
people ar-re gr-reat. It shows self-resthraint.
It's far aisier to say no man was gr-reat An'
ye can always prove that, f'r there's somethin'
th' matther with ivry man, an' if there wasn't
he'd be lynched. I wondher who'll be th' gr-reat
men iv today a hundherd years fr'm now.
Lookin' over me contimpraries, I shud say that
almost annywan has a chansL Posterity, Hin
nissy, sometimes likes to vote f'r th' dark horse.
There's wan thing ye may be sure iv, an that is
that manny a boy that thinks he's got th' diploma
in his bag won't figure in th' . biographical
ditchnries. Faith, I wudden't be surprised at all
if ye got in ye'ersilf. A hundherd years fr'm
now a man may pick up a histhry iv our counthry
an' read: 'At this peeryod there ar-rose a re
markable figure in th' person of Malachi Hin
nissy. F'r cinchries th' wurruld had been full iv
'talk. Now f'r th' first time there appeared a
man who cud listen. He was th' foundher iv th'
pow'rful school that includes at th' prisint day
most iv th' thoughtful men iv th' wurruld.' "
"But I haven't been listenin'," said Mr. Hen
nessy. "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if ye won't talk
an' ye won't listen ye can have ye'er thrunk
checked to th' Hall iv Fame tonight. Ye'er
ilicted."
Copyright: 1912: Br Flnley Peter Dunne.)