The Topeka state journal. [volume], February 01, 1913, LAST EDITION, Page 15, Image 15

About The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980

Image provided by: Kansas State Historical Society; Topeka, KS

                
LOCAL NEWS EVENTS OF THE
SCXDAX
Rest between first and second weeks
of successful "Midwinter."
OF TMEL-MOMENT
y Ray K.TVWHotv.
A Conversationalist.
A stranger came to me.
He was a pleasant man.
He had. for sale, insurance
On the endowment plan.
He started conversation
And started with a vim;
I never heard a fellow who
Could hold a torch to him.
He argued all the morning
And didn't get the hunch
When I got up and left him
And went out to my lunch.
When I got back I found him
Still talking "twenty-pay"
I do not think he realized
That I had been away.
I kept right at my business
Till dewy eventide.
But he did not desert me;
He sat right by my side.
I left there still talking
When I turned out the light
And started home to dinner.
I guess he talked all night.
According to Uncle Abner.
Air. Amos Rntts. our ffentlemanlv
and congenial undertaker, also livery.
feed and sales stables and folding '
chairs to rent, says, by gravy, the peo-
pie of our village don't encourage (
home industries at all and that they i
don't seem to think that an under -
taker has got to make an honest liv-
ing-. There has been only one funeral
in three years and that feller was .
shipped in from out of town Amos
says he cant see what the old people
ot this town are waitin fer. He sayS
there am t a cent for him in a cente-
narian. j
Every feller ought to have an aim
.en, ma3;'be, he can Set a
job shootm -glass balls m some wild
West snow . I
Hank Tumms always buys domestic
cigars when he wants to smoke at
home.
Hod Purdy always carries his
lunch to work with him, but he eats
it before he starts so as to save
time at noon.
Old Lafe Tubbs says when he was
in the army he was where the bul
lets was thickest, but Abe Renfrew
says that it is a durn lie for the bul
lets was all the same thickness and he
knows it.
Lam Higgins says he always stops
Braokin' durin' political campaigns and
he knows he has added at lea-st 20
years to his life by so doing.
The old philosopher who said there
was nothing impossible in this world
never tried to get a real poem pub
lished in a 15 cent magazine.
It is natural for a feller to worry if
he is going to be hanged, but it doesn't
do no partickler good, at that.
If every w-oman spent as much time
thinkin' about marriage before the
ceremony as she does afterwards,
there would be fewer divorces in this
country.
Vrom the Hickeyville Clarion.
Ansel Higgins, formerly of this man's
town, has resigned from the regular
army and in the future expects to do
most of his drilling after dark In some
well known bank. When a feller is so
pug-nosed you can hang a kittle on
it. he ought to go to some danntological
institute and get it laundered.
I see a member of the smart set of
polite society down to Xew York has
bought a $1,200 garter for a chorus girl.
He must have plenty of that elastic
currency we hear so much abjut. lay
Higgins has accepted a permanent
position as floor walker, mother and
baby doing well. Anson Frisby asked
Uncle Ezra Harkins the other day !f
he thought graftin' would ever be abol
ished in this country and Uncle Ezra
said he hoped not because the peach
Absolutely Pure
The only Baking Powder made from
Royal Grape Cream of Tartar
Makes delicious home-baked foods
of maximum quality at minimum
cost. Makes home baking
pleasant and profitable
THE
MONDAY
Fra Elbertus of East Aurora un
loads a jag of wit and humor.
crop in this section depends upon plenty
of grafting.
Mrs. Anson Frisby is so hightoned
she has had the fence removed from
around their place. Anse says he is
afraid to go to bed' nights now for fear
he will catch cold and get the garip.
Anse is quite a comic for a money
lender. Old Man Furdy give a speech
down to Tobbitts' grocery store the
other evening and said what this coun
try needed was fewer taxidermists. He
says every time a feller turns around
there is somebody at his elbow to col
lect taxes.
Butter is butter these days and few
can afford to eat it. Grandpa Bibbins
allows as how he is going to waic until
some minstrel show conies along and
get some of the olio from them. Grand
pa is too old to spring jokes and half
of them get lost in his whiskers while
on their way to the expectant and pal
pitating public.
A swell gazabo from the city was in
this man's town last Saturdaj- with his
buzz wagon. He asked the way to West
Hickeyville and Willie Tumms sent him
in the opposite direction on the road
to Hickory Corners. Willie is the town
hero nowadays. Durn them city felle-s
wjth their whizzle cars, anyhow. It
ain't safe to walk in the rud any more
in this vicinity or elsewhere. Wiliiam
Tibbitts' folks lost two hens by the pip
three weeks ago Thursday. There is
no clew yet although Constab'e Eben
Hand ig at work on the casf
It makes a feller hot under the coi
lar after he naa written beautiful
tn ni s.pthMr, ttw vina
mjnmer describing her personal ap-
pearanee and her having black locks.
to find that since he saw her last she
has changed from a brunette to a
v,lnnde. The waterworks urna Vnnf1
down five days last week and nobody
knew it. . Joe Mulhatten might have
been somewhat of a liar in his day.
but he never had anything on Hank
Tumms of this village. A lot of fel
lers who know what the baseball score
is don't know what his wife is going
to eat for supper.
Caught on the Fly. "
About the only thing they haven't found
in the ruins of Pompeii is a letter from
John D. Archbald to some Roman senator
A man out west says it is possible to
dress on $30 a year. Yes. and an Eskimo
can to it even cheaper than that.
A Newark woman has tried ten times
to commit suicide. She might try writirg
for the magazines and starving to death.
Chicago professor says girls should be
taught how to cook. Some men are mightv
reasonable. Xeit he will say they should
learn how to darn a sock.
A West Virginia girl flagged a train
last week and prevented a wreck. For
tunately she was an old-fashioned gtr!
and wore a red petticoat.
Applicants for Carnegie hero medp.ls
must, according to the new ruling, appiv
within three years of the heroic act. Too
late for the hero who invented the noise
less soup spoon.
Chief Firemaker. who claims he is 131
years old. must remember the Indians
when they did something beside playing
football.
A .;ew York roof garden is a garden
In which they can't raise anything ex
cepting prices.
One person in every 110 in this countty
owns an automobile. And he usuall"
keeps the other 109 dodging him.
Castro and Diaz would not be opposed
to Carnegie's plan to pension all ex-presi-"ients.
University of Pennsylvania professor
says students eat too much, but the food
trust is gradually curing them of Ci
habit.
Spain should establish a sinking fu-id
for her new navy.
An English aviator has been fined for
running into a cow ana killing her. Avia
tion in England apparently has not reach
ed a very hih stae.
Secretary of Agriculture Wilson says 1-e
will retire March 4 next. This is one of
TOPEKA DAILY - STATE
TUESDAY
Editors- of Kansas assemble to
point with pride and view with alarm.
the best guesses the secretary ever mads.
Mrs. Carnegie might improve on the
pension idea by giving ail the ex-vice
presidents hero medals.
Mr. Carnegie has been elected an hon
orary member of the Convicts Improve
ment society. There is some doubt as lo
whether the society wants a medal, a
pension or a library.
France is in the throes of a presidential
campaign and there is some talk of a
French branch of the Ananias club.
If the chief weather director is given
place in the Wilson cabinet, as is
I taikea. nobody will ever be able to pre-
uict wun any aegree or certainty wnai
will happen.
Xew York dispatch says one of the
foreign noblemen kissed his fiancee on
the dock. Why not one the cheek?
But it will not take President Wilson so
long to pass a given point in a parade as
it did President Taft.
Mr. Short of Cincinnati has Just been
married. If the high cost of living keeps
up he will be shorter than ever.
Another thing which puzzles pater
familias is that the new tight skirts cost
more than the old loose ones, with only
about half the material used.
A French savant says man has six
times more lung capacity than he needs-
it is hard to believe this of Mr. Bryan or
Elbert Hubbard.
A Boston pastor says a couple can
marry on $15 a week. Sure, they can
marry on it. It costs only $2 to do that.
An eastern" society advocates noiseless
homes. But what is home without a
phonograph ?
A general war Is predicted in Europe,
Well, Europe certainly has the generals.
Whiskers.
(Xew York Scientist gives statistics
to prove that long flowing whiskers have
almost passed out of existence.)
I am the flowing whisker that dec
orates the chin.
They say that I am passe. They tell
me I'm all in.
They say my days are numbered, that
I am of no use
Except to harbor microbes and some
tobacco juice.
They say I am a relic of ancient by
gone days.
That I've become an eye-sore, for sure,
in various ways.
But I recall the era when I waa quite
the rage
And every fellow wore me, regardless
of his age.
Then I was omnipresent. I dangled In
the soup;
I trailed through restaurant butter and
no one cared a whoop.
You were quite sure to see me, no
matter where you went.
And you would find me hanging on
every president.
Remember Roscoe Conkling? He was
a friend of mine.
And Grant and Hayes and Garfield?
On them I sure looked fine.
And old Count Leo Tolstoy and Uncle
Peter, too.
Were certainly some famous for whisk
ers that they grew.
Upon the classic profile of old Jay
Gould I hung.
I also decorated the face of Brig-ham
Young.
To William Cullen Bryant I clung with
might and main.
You also will remember me hanging on
Jim Blaine.
Longfellow cultivated my friendship
many years.
Walt Whitman, he clung to me
throughout this vale of tears.
And Old Joaquin Miller braved bliz
zards of the west
With me and never suffered a cold in
throat or chest.
rve
made the czar of Russia look
somewhat like a man.
Old Leopold o". Belgium, he was one of
my clan.
Although these days I'm greeted with
most sarcastic grins,
I've shielded lots of statesmen who
hadn't any chins.
They say I'm in the garbage; they say
I am passe:
That I have served my purpose and I
have seen my day.
But still, in spite of warnings, it's
pretty safe to bet.
When Gabriel blows his trumpet, I'll
be on some men yet.
Divorce a la Mode.
(Reduced from the news columns.)
Mrs. Algernon Lucas asks a divorce
from her husband because he insists upon
wearing lavender pajamas instead of blue
when he sleeps in the blue bedroom.
Mrs. Isaac W. Langworth has asked for
a divorce on the grounds of extreme
cruelty. Her husband put her Iapdog out
doors the other night and kept it out
for nearly five minutes.
Horace W. Kiskadden wants a divorce
because his wife refuses to harness the
mule for him every morning and he has
to do it himself.
Mrs. Lemuel H. Proudfoot has applied
for a divorce because her husband used
violet perfume when she prefers wild rose.
This is considered an aggravated case.
Benjamin W. Gilderhouse has applied
for a divorce because he found a hairpin
In the Irish stew one day last week.
My Friend.
I used to have a bosom friend.
We used to be together
Most all the time my friend and I
In fair and stormy weather.
But something happened one sad day.
It is a shame by hen.
He bought an automobile and
I've not seen him since then.
Customer Young lady, how do you sell
your cream puffs?
Clerk Heaven only knows. ,
JOURNAL SATURDAY
PAST WEEK AS DEPICTED BY
WEDNESDAY
The new IT. S.
through" by house
senator is
and senate."
"put
BOWSER IS GAME.
But His Mother-in-Law Wins Every
Bound.
I am Mr Bowser's mother-in-law.
I am glad he married into the family.
He's just the kind of a man that
needs taking down a peg or two every
few days, and I'm just the woman to
doit.
I believe he would poison me if he
safely could, and I admit that some
day I may break his neck.
I packed my trunk and took a little
jonrney the other day. I gave him no
advance warning that I was to arrive,
but reached his home from the depot
about 6 o'clock in the evening. He
happened to be in the front hall and
answered my ring himself, and for a
moment after catching sight of me he
looked like one who was staring at a
ghost.
I fA (1R,6owSER'5 noTHER
"If you have not lost that little sense
you ever possessed," I said, "you will
pay the driver and get my trunk up
stairs. How is Amanda?"
'She she she is well!" he stam
mered. "We didn't expect you."
'No, probably not, but it's my little
way of dropping in when I'm not ex
pected. Get a move on you!"
I was soon in the arms of my daugh
ter, and after dinne- e took me up
f o her bedroon and told me how glad
she was that I had come. Mr. Bowser
was on the rampage, and my arrival
was opportune. After questioning her
at length I discovered the following:
That he was planning to repaint the
house although it had two fresh coats
last year.
That he was intending to plant the
whole back yard to sunflowers next
spring.
That the whole front yard was to be
given up to hollyhocks.
That he was going to clean house and
be three weeks about it.
That he was going to attend an auc
tion sale next day and buy $500 worth
of antique furniture.
That he had raised a row about the
gas bill and charged his wife with hav
ing got up at midnight and turned on
every burner in the house.
That when she had hunted up a dress
maker for $2 per day he had called it
highway robbery, and said he would
stay home and do the sewing himself
J-r
t&B-' tklW' MS Hl!
: itffi'Vm mis?
EVENING - FEB RUABY 1,
THURSDAY
Question mark is removed from
Xinth, senatorial district chair.
before he would pay any such extortion.
There were a lot more things, one of
them being that he had borrowed a gun
and was going out into the country
next night to stay all night and shoot
snipe, and of course I felt it my duty
to tackle him as soon as possible. At
the dinner table he was sullen and
scowling, and the only time he spoke
was when he said:
"I see by the papers that this has
been a great year so far for the old
women to die off."
"Yes, it has," I replied, "but I'm left
on earth yet. and I can manage cranks
as well as ever!''
Directly after dinner I heard him tell
ing Amanda that he'd drop over to the
What Is It club for an hour or two and
give us a chance to talk, but I crooked
my finger at him and said:
"Mr. Bowser, that What Is It will
wait for you in vain tonight. Your
mother-in-law has arrived, and there
are a few things she would like to say
to you."
"But I don't care to talk," he gruffly
replied.
"But you will talk just the same. If
you want to talk to me here all right;
if you want me to follow you -to the
club just put on your hat!"
He hung in the wind for a minute
and then sat down and began whis
pering to himself to show that he was
not afraid. Mrsi. Bowser motioned me
over his head to spare him all I could,
but it did not soften my heart. Mr.
Bowser is a man who cannot be spar
ed. The only way to deal with him is
to crush him. True, he will only stay
crushed as long as I am in the house,
but it has a moral effect afterward.
"Mr. Bowser." I presently began,
"what is this I hear about the gas
bill?"
"Your daughter has wasted $2
worth to spite me," he replied.
"You know better, sir! The idea of a
baldheaded man weighing 200 pounds
telling any such story as that looks
like boy's play. Don't you want some
bread and butter with sugar on it?
You never go down cellar that you ,
don't leave a blaze of light behind :
you. That's where the gas has gone. I
You are the most careless man in the j
world around the house. Let me hear
no more about Amanda's extra va- j
ganoe. Xow, about this repainting?" j
"The house is to have two coats,
and I am going to do the work my
self. I calculate it will take me two
weeks."
"Well, I don't calculate it will take
you two minutes! The house doesn't
need it, and no painting will be done. :
If you were to daub around here for I
two weeks your own wife ana nair or
the neighbors would commit suicide.
"What! I can't paint my own house
if I want to! he shouted as he got
up and began to prance around.
"My language was plain, sir! Sit
down before you get a crick in the
back. There will not only be no paint
ing done, but if you want to raise sun
flowers and hollyhocks, go and hire a
piece of vacant ground. I do not ad
mire them, and as I may be here all
summer, I object to having them
around."
"She may be here all summer!" he
groaned to himself.
"Having disposed of the hollyhocks
and the sunflowers, we win taKe up
housecleaning," I continued.
"Amanda will see to that and take
about three days, and while she is do
ing it vou can either eat off the kitch
en table and sleep on the floor and
behave yourself or go to some hotel.
"Bv thunder, woman, I I "
"That will do. Mr. Bowser! Don't
swear at me and don't call 'woman!
You are red in the face, and your ears
are twitching, but it will do no good
to get mad. I am the mother-in-law;
I am It!"
"Woman, this is too much, too much!
I ITT I '
1913 -
FRIDJLX
Senate considers
recall legislation.
various brands of
I'd like to know '
"You will know all as we go along,
Mr. Bowser. If you are not very care
ful of your emotions, you will tumble
down with apoplexy some day. Ana
now about the dressmaker. I shall go
after her the first thing in the morn
ing. Her prices are very reasonable,
and if they weren't it is not up to you
to kick. If you want a $7 box of ci
gars, you order them without a qualm.
It will be $2 per day for about two
weeks, and she won't need your aa
sistancA with the darning needle!
"I am told that you have borrowed
a gun and are going to the country to
shoot snipe at night. In the first
place you couldn't hit a barn at ten
rods off; in the next, snipe don't fly
at night: in the third, that gun will
be trotted home in the morning. If
there is any running around nights
you can run to the theater with Mrs.
Bowser. What were you going to
say?"
"I was going to say, woman!" he
thickly replied as he flailed his arms
about "I was going to say that my
name is Bowser."
"Yes."
"And this is my house."
"Yes."
"And I run things to suit myself.
What right have you to come down
here and and "
"The right of the mother-in-law,
sir, and that's the best right in the
world. One more thing this evening.
You were saying you'd drop over to
the What Is It club for a couple of
hours. Well, you won't drop. They
will miss you. and they'll be inquiring,
why is it? But let 'em inquire. Your
place is right here, and here you will
stay!
"I am going up to join Amanda
now, who is a bit nervous, and if you
go to banging doors, rattling the fur
nace or stamping up and down, you'll
hear from me. You may think it a
good time to mend the water pipes,
fix a door, experiment on the gas
meter or drive nails, but let me assure
you to the contrary. These few words
this evening are only a sort of a
prologue. Tomorrow we will get down
to real business and have a thorough
understanding!"
I vanished upstairs, and Mr. Bow
ser shook his fist after me and tramp
ed around for the ' next ten minutes
like an angry lion. He didn't know
whether to burst out a window or
break three or four chairs, but at
last he flung himself down on the
lounge to think it all over. An hour
later his wife and I came creeping
softly downstairs. We found him
asleep, and a tear on his cheek, while
the cat occupied a nearby chair and
regarded him with looks of sorrow.
Rampageous Bowser had been quiet
ed. (Copyright, 1913. by the Asso
ciated Literary Press.)
DINNER STORIES.
From Erin he came, seeking work.
Oh. ves. he was an Irishman, and
at last he found what he wanted in j
a provincial town in England. But he
must have somewhere to sleep, must
this happy-go-lucky son of the Em
erald Isle, so, noticing an inn, he went
to inquire for a bed.
C BEGOT? 12 A
JSTWIS
There .vas none to be had, however,
except he liked to share a room with
a nigger. Pat was tired, and - said
he "Didn't moind the least bit in the
wurrld. sure," and tumbled in, first
asking the innkeeper to call him at
6 o'clock in the morning. .
But there was a conspiracy on foot.
All the world seems to think an Irish
man the butt for every kind of wit.
So several other occupants of the inn
crept upstairs, and in the silent hours
of the night blackened Paddy's face
with the aid of a burnt cork.
Morning came, and Pat had a scram
ble to get to work, so he dispensed
with any unnecessary scrubbing.
Imagine his utter astonishment, then,
as, on passing a furniture shop, he
caught sight of his face in the glass.
Bewilderment slowly dawned over his
characteristic Irish countenance, and
strange words came slowly from his
trembling lips.
"Shure and begoiTa!" he cried
aghast, "they've called the wrong
man!"
James Whitcomb Riley tells a story
of an old fellow who asked for work
at the Riley farm in the poet's boy
hood. He was set at hoeing potatoes,
but did not prove to be especially in
dustrious. When taken to task for his
lack of application he only replied,
"Waal, the good book says. Do all
things In moderation.' "
"Well, it came on dinner rime at
last," says the humorist, "and the old
codger did his share nobly. In fact,
he ate enough to kill two or three
ordinary men. Some one gently hint
ed that the text didn't seem to apply.
He opened a worn little Bible and im-
15
PARSONS
&AZXTBJDAT
Ways and
measure M.t.
means committee goes to
Oread for a suit of funds.
perturbably pointed to a passage. It
read. "Whatsoever thy hand findeth
to do, do it with all thy might."
"Do you sell stamps here?" the
elderly lady asked the man behind the
counter.
"Yes, madam, replied the clerk In
charge, politely.
"Can I buy any quantity I like?"
went on the old lady fiercely.
"Why, yes, madam. Can "
"Have you got any one-cent ones?"
"Yes, madam," said the long-suffering
one behind the grill. "How "
"I want them altogether not torn
apart," pursued the relentless lady.
"And how many do you want?" The
polite olerk was losing hia temper.
"One-cent ones, don't forget." She
glowered at him over her spectacles.
"Why, certainly, madam. How
many?"
"I'll have six cents worth."
"Here they are. Xow, will you
please "
"Here, young man. I've as much
right to be here as you have! I won't
be hurried!" snapped tho venerable
dame. Then, as she sauntered towards
the door, a gratified smile illuminated
her features.
"Anyhow," she murmured, "I made
one member of the postoff ice earn his
salary!"
Very frequently the winter high
ways in the Yukon valley are mere
trails, traversed only by dog sledges.
One of the bishops in Alaska, who
was very fond of that mode of travel,
encountered a miner coming out with
his dog team and stopped to ask him
what kind of road he had come over.
The miner responded with a stream of
forcible and picturesque profanity,
winding up with: "And what kind o"
trail did you have?" "Same as yours,"
replied the bishop feelingly.
William Dean Howells Is a stout
opponent of those noveltists who, un
der the pretext of reforming their
readers, write books about vice.
"Such writers." said Mr. Howells. at
a luncheon at Kittery Point, Me., re
mind me of a lad whose mother said
to him:
" 'Why, Johnny, I do believe you're
teaching that parrot to swear!"
" 'Xo. I'm not, mother,' the boy re
plied; 'I'm Just telling it what it
mustn't say.' "
The head of a family, who thought to
save some of his hard-earned dollars b-trying-
out simple home remedies when
one of his household became ill, came
a few niKhts ago with a book under h s .
arm. which he handed to his wife, re
marking: "Here is a work on burnn. I
found it at an auction this afternoon. An
one of the children is almost sure to get
burned on the Fourth, I thought It wouM
be a good investment. Look It over care
fully and be prepared in case of an ac
cident." The wife opened the volume
dutifully and tnen exclaimed: "How odu!
It's all poetry!"
He was a raw recruit, just enrolled to
a crack cavalry regiment and paying bli
first visit to the riding school. 'Ero's
yer horse," cried the instructor. The re
cruit advanced, took the bridle gingerly,
rnd examined his mount with great care.
"What's it got this strap round it for"
he said pointing to the girth. "Well." ex
plained the instructor, "you see, all o ir
'orses 'ave a keen sens of 'urnor, an as
they sometimes 'ave sudden fits of laugh
ter when they see the recruits, we p it
them bands round 'em to keep 'em from
bustin their sides!"
BREAKS A COLD,
NEEDS NO HELP.
Tpape's Cold Compound Cures Colds
and Grippe in a Few Hours
Tastes Ice Acts Ciently.
It U a positive fact that a dose of
Pape's Cold Compound, taken every
two hours until three, consecutive
doses are taken, will end the grippe
and break up the most severe cold,
either In the head, chest, back, stom
ach, limbs or any part of the body.
It promptly relieves the most mis
erable headache, dullness, head and
nose stuffed up, feverishnesa, sneez
ing, sore throat, running of the nose,
mucous catarrhal discharges, sore
ness, stiffness and rheumatic twinges.
Take this wonderful Compound as
directed, with the knowledge that
there is nothing else In the world,
which will cure your cold or end
grippe misery as promptly and with
out any other assistance or bad after
effects as a 25-cent package of Pape's
Cold Compound, which any druggist
can supply accept, no substitute
contains no quinine. Belongs la every
horn. Tastes nice act antly.
Adr.
1 STARTS? - .. -m