LOCAL NEWS EVENTS OF THE
Kawg break the Sabbath by defeating
the Tan-yans from Kansas City.
on -im spr
try Boy K MouUon,.
A Cabinet Roady Made.
Oh .listen here, dear Woodrow,
Tou should not fume or fret
Concerning the appointment
Of your cabinet.
Of course, they are all anxious
To do the thing for you
To pick out your assistants,
And see the matter through.
But there's no use to worry.
We know where you can find
A cabinet that's ready made
And willing to be signed.
Just take this tip, friend Woodrow,
And you need fret no more;
Accept this hunch and take the bunch
Down at our gru'cry store.
There's Uncle Ezra Harkins,
Who knows each nation's fate;
Write him a note and get him for
Secretary of state.
Hod Peters is a fighter.
And knows what fightin's for;
Tou could get him, we know, for
Your secretary of war.
The agriculture sinecure
Should go to Angus Jones,
Who poses as an expert, but
Has mortgaged all he owns.
The naval job should be a snap
Kor Uncle Abner Hynes,
He knows a lot about the boats.
He's crossed the lake three times.
The treasury department
Should go to Henry Swank;
He kin count money mighty fast;
He works down in our bank.
And he kin tell a counterfit.
By gosh, or bogus bill.
And kin detect a lead ten-cent piece
When it drops in the till.
Attorney general's a cinch.
Give that to old Squire Lunk;
He's never lost a line fence suit
And knows a nunc pro tunc.
Old Doctor Hanks confides
He kin tell every organ
We've got in our lnsldes.
Those fellers are experts
That hang around the store.
They'll all take the positions.
So you need fret no more.
A New Idea.
"I've got a great money-making
idea," said Mr. Binks to his neigh
bor. "What's that?" queried the neigh
tor. "Do you see that automobile of
mine?" asked Mr. Binks, pointing
with all the pride of a campaign
"I do. What of it?"
"Well, every time I take that car
apart to fix it and put it together, 1
always have fifteen or twenty parts
left over and I can't find any room
for them. I have taken that car
apart three times and I have got the
back end of my garage full of parts
and the car runs just as well as it
ever did. My idea is this: I think
when a man has taken a car apart
ay six times he will have enough
parts left over to build a new car, ex
clusive of the body. I am going to
take my car apart every week and I
think I ought to be able to build at
least three new cars out of it. Then
I will sell the old car and get another
and start taking that apart. I figure
that I ought to clean up about 300 per
cent on every car I buy."
Miss Amy Pringle has been down
to the city to be re-enameled. She
is one of our most polished young la
dies. Mr. Hi Huggins has bought a
house and lot on the installation plan
and if all goes well his great-grandson
will be able to make the last
payments. When Miss Euphemia
Perkins -was down to the Rapids she
went into a store to buy a shirtwaist.
She told a clerk what she wanted
and lie said: "What bust, madam?"
Miss Perkins looked all around nerv
ously and replied: "Blessed if 1
know, sir; I didn't hear anything."
From tlie Hickeyville Clarion.
Our school teacher is just cuttin' a
wisdom tooth. By jing, nobody is more
entitled to one. Hank Tumms' young
est swallered the coal stove shaker
three weeks ago Thursday and Hank
says the kid ought to grow up to be
quite an athlete as he has so much
iron in his system. It is rumored that
Uncle Ezra Harkin's brother, Ren
frew, is in jail somewhere out in the
west as he hasn't sent home for monev
the past two months. The Ladies' Aid
is prepared an anxious to hear the
worst. There ain't much use of hav
ln' a. newspaper in a town that has
got a good flourishing sewing circle
- It beats all how much sleep a five-month-old
kid kin go without. Lafe
Purdy's youngest has yelled 24 hous
a day ever since he was born and has
got both of his parents tuckered out
B7 .lme a new congressman gits
next to the crooks and turns of the
job a grateful consistency sends some
body to take his place.
They have got every sort of stunt
in vaudeville now except a one-armed
man hookin' his wife up the back
It is rumored some feller expects tn
Mart a new thirst o-c., "lcis to
. - y e-er i ii tnis man s
town to compete with the Golden Xug
get. and the Golden Xugget now ha
cron beef and cabbage on the t rtt
lunch. Anson Frisby filled his autot
Mayor Billard retires, leaving new-
mayor with something on his hands.
mobile with gin instead of gasoline by
mistake the other day and the blame
thing couldn't stay in the rud but tore
down a half mile of picket fence,
busted in the door of the meetin'
house and knocked the front porch
off Tibbitts' grocery.
Hiram Stebbins handed the Rev.
Hanks a counterfeit $2 for marry'n'
him to Amariah Tilson's daughter last
week and said as long as he had been
stung the miinster might as well be
stung, too. Hank Tumms says coun
terfeit money is just as good as any
other to use around home, but in some
of the larger cities he has found the
financiers are more skepticle. Mrs.
Anson Frisby is so high toned she uses
two-cent postage stamps instead of
court plaster. Jed Frink, our black
smith, is finishing1 a new set of teeth
for Grandpa Bibbins. He filled three
teeth for Professor Ansel Jimkey and
shod five mules Monday last.
Swazey creek is at flood tide Just
a this writing and there is two feet
of water in the basement of William
Tibbitts' general store. Tibbitts says
it beats fishin' through the ice all
holler as a feller don't know what he
is going to get. Tibbitts caught a sec
ond hand currycomb and a zinc wash
board the other day.
Hod Peters claimed he saw the first
robin last Thursday and he is now
taking a post graduate course at the
Keeley institute. Hod has been presi
dent of the Alumni association of the
Keeley institute here for several years.
President Amos Butts of this village
has received a black hand letter and
the colored porter at Amariah Tilson's
barber shop has been arrested on sus
picion, the consequential evidence be
ing rather strong agin him.
Tlie Food Cure.
Abijah Binks was noted for his great
array of wealth;
In fact he had most everything ex
cepting perfect health.
Long years ago the doctors said that
he was doomed to die,
And nothing seemed to do him good,
no matter what he'd try.
He left off eating anything excepting
He never tackled corn beef hash or
anything so rude.
A pancake made him .turn away in
horror and disgust;
To starve himself to death to live,
it seemed Abijah must.
His liver was all out of whack, his
nerves were all askew.
Dyspepsia racked his feeble frame, no
matter what he'd do.
He tried mud baths and went abroad
to take a famous cure.
But still he kept on fading in a man
ner slow but sure.
He licked up patent medicines for
twenty years or more.
Until he felt just like he was a corner
druggist s store.
He ate so much digested food, he
often used to say
He somehow felt that he was just a
walking bale of hay.
With all his wealth, lire held out
naught for this old man lor-
He often wished that he was dead or
never had been born.
One melancholy day he thought his
own life he would take;
His suicide should come about by
eating sirloin steak.
He ate a nice big juicy one and laid
him down to die.
But got up feeling quite refreshed
and then he tackled pie.
The pie refused to take him off and in
a frenzied mooa
He ate a can of pork and beans and
quit his breakfast food.
For seven weeks, he tried and tried
tn will himself that way.
He kept on growing heavier and each
He took a dose of hardy food that was
a little worse;
But e'en sauerkraut and pickled
trine refused to call the hearse.
At last he gave up in despair for he
was growing fat.
He kept on eating fiendish things and
then decided that
If he must live, he'd do it right and
eat whate'er he liked.
And seven doctors gave him up and
nacked their kits and hiked.
This happened many years ago, and
Bige is eighty-one.
And feels just like a frisky kid whose
life has but begun.
According to Uncle Abner.
Some of them Roosevelt telegrams
is so pointed that the telegraph com
panies will have to string barb wire
along on the poles to carry 'em.
It might not be quite so stylish.
but I would just as soon be kicked
to death by a seven-dollar mule as
to be blown into the eternal hence
by a ten thousand-dollar forty-candle
Some fellows blow their money on
gold jricks and Bohemian oats and
others start newspapers.
When you have got a guest who
keeps bragging how honest he Is.
count the spoons.
A feller that can call every bar
tender In town by his first name will
never cut much of a swath in Wall
Our town has been having all kinds
of time standard, sun, fast, railroad
and some even declare that a
of a time should be included in tha
TOPEKA. DAILY STATE
New chief appears at police station,
and old cops wonder what is coming,
list. Now a municipal whistle has
been installed and as this is going to
blow on standard time it has been sug
gested thta all clocks be turned back
and that this be adopted by all. The
jewelers are opposed to the plan as
they claim the clocks will not wear
out as fast when running on slow
Two-step whiskey is a very popu
lar brand in our town just now. You
step in and get a drink, then step
out and get pinched.
When a feller has got tonsilitis, the
best thing to cure it is a nice soft
jleeve wrapped around his neck with
a woman's arm in it.
BOWSER'S CERTAIN CURE.
But Something Was Wrong With It
Mr. Bowser wanted to talk.
He had laid aside his newspaper and
was nervously hitching around in his
He cast furtive glances at Mrs. Bow
ser and some more furtive glances at
At length, after he had cleared his
throat half a dozen times without fol
lowing it up, she took pity on him and
laid aside her book and queried:
"Well, what is it?"
"I was Just wondering if you would
like to make the European trip?"
"Not on 15 cents!"
"But how about a million dollars?"
"Oh, you've got another scheme?"
Mr. Bowser didn't resent the sarcasm
in her words. On the contrary,' he
smiled and chuckled and slapped his
"Is it politics this time?"
"Mrs. Bowser, I wouldn't take the
presidency of the United States."
"Got around to a chicken farm
"No, nor to a fire-escape or burglar
alarm. Ha! ha!"
"Millions Jn it, of course?"
"By John. Ha! ha! ha!"
Mrs. Bowser looked sharply at him to
see if he had been drinking too much
cider, but he had no appearance of it.
He was Just Jolly and good-natured,
like a man that had a big thing and a
sure thing up his sleeve. She thought
it possible that he might have struck it
"Well?" she asked as she continued to
"Well, it's something I've kept from
you a week or so, and am dead sure of,
and so I'll tell you. It will be no use
for you to try to discourage me."
"Perhaps I shan't try"
"Mrs. Bowser, how much money do
you suppose the American people spend
in a year for beer?"
"Maybe a million dollars."
"And maybe six hundred times that
much. What would you say about
whisky and wines?"
"Is it as much as that?"
"And a heap more. Tou can figure
it that the drinks of America cost
about three billion dollars a year.''
"And they do no one the least mite
of good. On the contrary, they are
harmful. Suppose I could change all
this? Suppose I could stop all manu
facture and sale except for medical
"Wouldn't it be grand!"
"Mrs. Bowser, how much tobacco is
chewed. and-smoked in America every
"Wagon loads of it. Why, the stubs
of your cigars would make one wagon
"We won't mind the stubs of my
cigars just now. Other billions of dol
lars are thrown away in tobacco, and
" T 1.00K1K "
PAST WEEK AS DEPICTED BY
A voice from "higher up" interferes
with a little light exercise at City hall,
no one receives the slightest benefit."
"Isn't it awful!" she gasped.
"With the money thus squandered we
could pay the National debt in eight
months. Then we could go on and
build a school house at every 10 rods
all over the country. We ccyild brfhg
the price of lobsters down to three
cents apiece. We could have free mov
ing picture shows. We could have free
gum for all the women to chew on."
"And can you do anything to hurry up
that glad day?"
"I can and have and will, Mrs. Bowser.
That's my scheme, as you will call it."
"But I don't see "
"But you will see. In one year's time no
man will drink, smoke or chew. I won't
go s0 far as to say that none will play
poker or bet on horse races, but it will
not be wittv the same old enthusiasm. I.
Bowser, am going to change human
nature over the world. I am going to be
the greatest benefactor the world has
Mrs. Bowser sighed and turned away,
and after charting over her perplexities
"A year ago I saw a policeman arrest
a tramp and beat and misuse him. I in
terfered to save the man, and he ex
pressed his gratitude in no uncertain
terms. He told me that the day would
come when he could repay his debt, and
it has come."
"I don't believe it!" was the blunt re
Oh, von don t? Well, I shan t get mad
about it, but proceed tn show you. Yo
have seen advertisements of the cures of
the whisky and tobacco habit?"
on. yes. s
"It is a fact that they cure, in most
cases. The patient is given something t
cure his craving. I shall give him some
thing to cure it something more sure
than has been presented before."
"But suppose he doesn't want to be
cured?" asked Mrs. Bowser.
"He's got to want to be. I'll have a law
passed to force him to take the cure.
There'll be some old kickers, but I shall
bring them to time."
"It's a cure the grateful tramp gave
you. Is it?"
"And how do you know that it will
"Ha! ha! That's where I've got you
cornered. I've been experimenting. It
cures In seven days, while it takes weeks
for other remedies to get in their work. I
begun on an old soak and bum six days
ago, and now you can't get him to drink,
or smoke or chew. He fairly hates the
sight of whisky and tobacco."
"is your cure very costly?"
"Ha! That's where I am ahead again.
I warrant a sure cure if the patient takes
a dollar's worth, of the liquid, and I make
80 cents on every dollar's worth that is
EVENING, APRIL. 12, 1913- ,
Bankers are in, possession of the
town, and discuss the 1913 cash crop.
sold. Oh, I've got it all figured down
fine, and there's no chance for you to
Jump in and upset me."
"And what's the cure?"
' 11 tell you, but nobody else on the
face of the earth must know. It's simply
the fluid extract of gooseberries, and the
dose is four teaspoonfuls a day."
"Mr. Bowser!" was gasped.
"Just extract of gooseberries, my dear.
Wonderful, aint it?"-
"I should say -it was. I never hearl
that gooseberry juice had any medicinal
properties. You are certain of what your
cure it, are you?"
"As sure as death. It was discovered
by accident by -my tramp himself. He
was out of whisky and tobacco and he
ate gooseberries alongside the highway.
He liked them and ate more, and in a
week he could not even be induced to en
ter a saloon or a tobacco store."
"But this vag that you have been ex
perimenting on?" was asked.
"Got you again ha! ha! ha! He will bo
h-ere- this evening to stand before you and
let you see the wonderful change my cure
has wrought in him. Seeing is believing.
You won't call this a fad after seeing the
man. I shall experiment on others before
putting the cure on the market."
"And on yourself, to cure the cigar
"Very likely. That must be the man at
the door now. Bring him right in here."
Mrs. Bowser opened the door on the
worst looking vagabond she had seen In
five years. Without removing his old hat,
he marched down the hall and came to a
halt before Mr. Bowser to demand:
"Say, old man. you must cough up a
five-dollar note for me this evening."
He weaved to and fro as he stood. His
whisky breath scented the room. He had
something in his mouth that made each
cheek bulge out.
"Is this your patient?" asked Mrs.
Bowser. , .
He nodded his head and the man an
swered for him:
"I am the guy, lady."
"And he has cured you of the craving
for whisky and tobacco?"
"Cured nothing! Why, lady, he's wreck
ed me instead!"
"How do you mean?"
"Why, I've got 30 times the craving I
had before! I want a drink of whisky
every 10 minutes now, and I am chewing
nigger-head terbacker with both my jaws!
Yes. lady, he's wrecked the career of a
mighty good man, and he's got to cough
"You hear what he says," observed Mrs.
Bowser as she looked at the great dis
coverer. "He's a liar! I don't believe he's the
man at all!"
"Don't try any tricks on me, old hoss!"
warned the man. "I've got some of your
gooseberry juice;'right here in a bottle.
There it is. Yes, you took a good mail
and wrecked his life!"
Mr. Bowser sat there, flushing red and
white by turns, and unable to say any
thing, and Mrs. Bowser stepped to her
purse on the mantel and got $3 and hand
ed the money to the man and let mm de
part. Then she sat down and it was a
long 10 minutes before she queried:
No reply. - !
"Have you nothing to say?" j
She looked up and saw that Mr. Bowser
had dropped to sleep. It was the bes ;
thing he could do. (Copyright, 1913, by :
the Associated Literary Press.) 1
TO? . YU
. New text-book commission holds
meeting to discuss school literature.
KENTUCKY HAS A REAL WOW
Women have crowded into every profession and now at laat wa bar
voman Judge. Mrs. Van Dyke Bell, of Covington. Ky., isn't exactly a
Judge. Her position as United States commissioner requires her, bowcrtf,
to fill the position of Judge in preliminary hearings. She beard bar first
ease a few days ago at Covington, and presided with solemn dignity.
Mrs. Van Dyke is married, is of tbe home loving kind, and baa two
Children attending scbook
F 1 IFnnV CONTRACTOR
10 East 9th Street,
When you are planning your trip to
you naturally think of the
"Niagara Falls Route"
It takes you quickly, surely and comfortably ?
to your destination and also affords an unsur
passed view of the great cataract en route.
Michigan Central "The Niagara Falls Route"
Five Fast Trains Every Day
9:05 a. m. -1030
3:00 p. m.
All these trains are operated by electricity
through the twin steel and concrete tubes at
Detroit and arrive in New York at wonderful
new Grand Central Terminal, the most mag
nificent and convenient station in the world.
Michigan Central K.
Leave Chicago 5:40 p.m.
Apply ta 3kjui local agent fer tuckets ssm) dcepmc
- car rcserratSBS. or for ooraplet si form
atioa call on or addxeas aur
Kansas City Office,
112 East Tectii Street -'
C C Merrill.
General Agent Paaaanger Departnten
Fans and players beseech the weather
man to keep it up in coming week.
DIGNITY HEARS FIRST CASE
Mabel Taa Dykt BelL
1625, Repairing and Jobbing
11:55 a. m.
55 p. m.
1&A5 p. m.
8:15 p. m,
Sleeping Car Service
H. Lacfarwona Una
Arrfre New Tork 7:30 p. m.
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