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ftllED EVERY THURSDAY BY Deininger & Bumiller. Office in the New Journal Building, Pcnn St., near Hart man's foundry. SI.OO PER ANNUM, IN ADVANCE, OR $1.25 IF NOT PAID IN ADVANCE. Acceptable Correspondence Solicited Address letters tp MILLHEIM JOURNAL. The Crutch in the Corner. [ Written just after the war bit John Mcintosh —"Otd rerwiont."! "WW, Billy, your room i* as cold as the hut We had by the swamp and river. Where we lost our major, and liiu, you know, And sixty more with the fever." "Well, Tom, old fellow, it's lurd enough. But the host at times knock under; There's ne'er a stick of wood In the house But that crutch In the corner yonder! "Sorrv I 'listed? Don't a*k me that, Tom; if the fhtft was again in danger, I'd aim a sain with an aching stump At the toe,were he a brother or st ranger. But, 1 say, ottglit a wound from shot or shell. Or a pistol bullet, by thunder! Forever to doom a poor fellow to want, With that crutch in the corner yonder? "That cratch, old comi a<l\ ought ever to l>e A draft at sifiht on tho Nation For honor, respect, and a friendly hand : For clothing, and quarters, and ration! My wife—she begs at the Nugget House, Where the bigbugs live in splendor. And brag, o'er their wine, oi the fights that brought Such as that in the corner youder! "And Charlie—he goes to some place up tow n, some ttcket-for soap Arrangement; All welt enough for a hungry boy, But, Ton. its effect is estrangement! I'd sooner have kicked the bucket twice o'er By a shell or a round ten-pounder, Than live such a life as I'm doing now, With that crutch in the corner yonder. "There's ne'er a thing left to pawn or to sell, And the w inter has closed on labor: This medal is all that is left me now, With my pistols and trusty saber: And those, by the sunlight above us. Tom. No power from my trust shall sunder, Save the One that releases me at Est From that crutch in the corner yonder. "I can raise this arm that is left to me To the blessed heaven above us. And swear by the throne of the Father there. And the aivgets all, who love us. That the hand I lost and the hand I have Were never yet staiaed by plunder. And for love of the dear old nag, I now Use that crutch in the corner youder. "Do 1 ask too much wlten I say we boys, Who fought for the Nation's tlory, Now that the danger is past and gone, Iu comfort should teil our story ? How should we have fought when the mad shells screamed And shivered our ranks, T wonder, Had we known our lot would have been to beg, With that crutch in the corner yonder? There's little we hear of now-a-days But pardon and reconstruction, While the soldier who fought and bled for both Is left to his own destruction. 'Twould be well.l think.in these nipping times, For those Congress fellows to ponder. And thiuk of us boys who use such things As that crutch iu the corner yonder." AN INCIDENT FROM LIFE. How damp and cold and foggy it was in Lambeth Palace Road one Decem ber evening. It was terrible noisy too, for huge carts, laden with heavy goods from the Southwestern Railway tre minus hard by, rattled incessantly over the atones,aDd everybody hurried along to be out of the thoroughfare as soon as possible. Three little urchins formed an excep tion to the bustling crowd, for they lingered for more than an hour round the big iron gates of St. Thomas's Hos pital in spite of the constant knocks and pushes they received, custom hav ing made them almost unconscious of such treatment. Besides, the attrac tion which kept them there was a pow erful one. They had actually witness ed, while they awaited, the arrival of no less than three Christmas trees. Two of them, it is true, were only young fir trtes dug up from a planta tion somewhere in the country and sent straight to the hospital there to be dressed up in all their attractive finery but the third tree was a present from the wife of one of the consulting phy sicians and was already trimmed and decorated and covered with toys. There was"some delay in moving it from the light cart and carrying it into the building, and so the three small boys outside had time for a long look at it iu all its beauty. Oue must be a child to understand what that beauty is; colored flags, gold and silver balls, dolls, trumpets, candles, [crackers, sweeties— they need a child's imagina tion to be appreciated,but we may per haps, happily have enough of it left in us to know how much they convey to him. The boys on the sticky pavement outside gave a long-drawn sigh as the beautiful tree went out of sight, and they turned away to their own usual surroundings—mud, fog, cold, discom fort, such as they had been accustomed to all through their short lives. "My !" said one of them, Jimmy by name ; "wouldn't I like to be sick ia there and 'ave that there tree to play with !" It was a sentiment echoed by the other two, as they edged themselves a long the railing of the hospital, making their way back toward the room (bey usually slept iu in Lambeth. "Well, we ain't sick," said another of them, called Peter, although the harsh, dry voice he spoke hi his white, wan face might have told another tale. "And so we ain't got no tree !" said the third boy, Bill. They had almost reached the corner of Westminster Bridge, in depressed silence, when Pet —as he was commonly called—sudden ly stopped, and, with a smile that was pleasing enough to see, although his companions did not notice it, exclaim ed : "Ain't I got a liidea !" After whioh statement he propound ed to his attentive audience, ideas be ing, if not rare, always interesting to boya. And oertainly Pet's was origin al and worthy of consideration. He suggested that one of thetu DEININGER & BUMILLER, Editors and Proprietors. VOL. 58. should feign to ha ill ; should get taken into tho hospital, and when once there should see the tree in all its glory. The plan sounded delightful, the on ly objection to it being that they could not all play the principal part in it. They decided who should be the lucky one by the all-popular method of toss ing, and Pet won the toss. This was fortunate, for besides having distinct ly the first right to his own idea, which the lad did not think of, he was the on ly one of the three who would have been capable of acting his part ; but Pet did not kuow this either. lie only gave Jimmy and llill a few hints as to what they were to do, how they were to look as scared as possible when Bill's father came home at night, and how they were to say they knew nothing of Pet, except that he wassud" denly "took bad." Whereupon tho "taking" promptly occurred, and with a thud that was un expected even to Jimmy and Bill, Pet throw himself down at full length on the pavement. A small crowd instant ly collected round them. Most of the people only stared a moment and then passed on ; one or two expressed pity ; and after a few moments the inevitable policeman arrived and pushed his way up to Pet's side, roughly questioning Jimmy and Bill. They whimpered a bit and looked frightened—to order, and the policeman,after rolling Pet ov er with his foot and finding him appar ently altogether unconscious, said he must go to the hospital, and, with the help of a good-natured bystander, him self carried him there, Jimmy and Bill and several others following. It was something to be inside those great walls,as Jimmy and Bill and Pet, too, thought, while the latter was be ing carried by the porter on a stretcher into the casualty ward and a big bell was rung for Number One—that is, a young dresser always handy, who sees a case first, and,if it be trifling, attends to it without sending for the house sur geon. But of Pet the dresser could make nothing at all. and he soon called the house surgeon, who came running down from the top of the high builning and applied himself with the rapidity of a hardworked man to the considera tion of the case before htm. He did not look over thirty, but there was an amount of decision, a tirmn ess and a gentleness in his touch of Pet, which spoke well for the use he had make of his head and of his heart. The police man stated what he knew and was dis missed, while the surgeon looked for all the most likely symptoms in Pet, and was able to find none of them. The patient was simply unconscious. The boys were asked whether Pet had been ill before he fell suddenly, and they said : "No, only the cough !" And a3 they both cried, or howled steadily, all the time, the dresser sent them away, telling them they might come the next morning to hear what was the matter with their friend. They, not 3orry to get their dismiss d after the surgeon had arrived on the scene, scampered off. Then the surgeon, systematically and very patiently indeed, began at Pet's head and examined him down to his feet to find 9ome cause for this extraor dinary unconsciousness, and could find none. Disease he found indeed,for the poor little fellow's lungs were half gone, but as he said to the dresser : "Boys don't drop down unconscious from that !" Being strangely bafiled, the surgeon ordered Pet to be taken to the children's ward, undressed and put to bed. "We'll see wh\t we can mane of htm then," he said. Ic was not by any means easy for Pet to keep up his acting, especially when strong ammonia wa3 put under his nose and almost boiling water to his feet, but lie managed it,'more now from pride than rrom longing after the Christmas tree, even. Only when he was lifted by the nurse into a soft, clean, warm bed, such as he had never dreamt of befoie, that small closed mouth of his involuntarily parted, and something very like a smile, like the gho3t of a smile, stole over his face. The surgeon, noticing t, was struck with the idea that the boy might be sliamming. "Fetch the battery here," he said. Pet did not know what a battery meant, or his smile would certainly have disappeared as involuntatily as it had come. The surgeon waited by his side,hold ing his., smell hand and thinking to himself that, shammirfg or not sham ming. Pet had the most pathetic face he had met with in all his expeiience of sadness and suffering. Then the battery was brought and a slight shock was administered from it down Pet's back. "Oh ! that was horrible !" thought the lad. "What was it ? Would it come again ?" He managed not to wince under it the first time. A second and a harder shock was given. Pet did not quite MILLIIEIM, PA., THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 21., 1884. scream, but he pressed his fingers so hard into the liouso surgeon's hand that the latter knew he was light in his conjecture. Then a third shock was given—a stronger one, and this time Pet sprang out of bed with tears starting to bis eyes and exclaimed : "Oh ! don't do it again ; don't do it again !" Ona or two students round were laughing, but the surgeon did not see anything but pathos in the scene, as ho said, gravely : "Then you are not ill, and have been giving us all this trouble for nothing. Why did you do it V" He wanted the lad to tell the truth, and of course to him Pet did. "Please, sir," lie said, not crying now, but looking straight with his great giay eyes into the doctor's face, "'twas the tree, the Christmas tree, as I wanted to seo so awful bad ! Me and Jimmy and Bill, we seed it a-ear ned into here, all beautiful, and—and I did want to see it again ! ' " And so you pretended to be ill,that you might come in here, and " "Yes, sir." "And what am I to do with you now do you think ?" "Turn me out again," said Pet promptly. There was something veiy like a quiver in tlie surgeon's voice as he said with infinite tenderness : "No,my lad, I shan't do that to you; you shall see the Christmas tree in here. You are not what you pretend to be, but you are quite ill enough to stay in the ward until after Chirstinas time, and then we will see !" And so Pet had his Christmas tree, and Jimmy and Bill came in at thesur. geon's invitation to see it, too, but Pet did not go back with them after it to Lambeth. lie never left the hospital again, for consumption ran a rapid course with him, and before three months were over he died in the ward. Florida Oranges. In Florida, good land for orange groves cau be bought for one dollar an acre. If the land is covered with wild orange trees, they only need grafting to become productive of good oranges. The land must be cleared, for iu that climate all land that is not in use soon becomes covered with rank, luxurious vegetation. Then some buildings have to be put up, and there also is the trouble and expense of evicting squat ters, who are generally to be found in abundance on desirable land in Florida. The expense for land is really a small part of the cost of starting an orange grove, and the reason that so many peo ple fail in the business of orange rais ing is that tliey start with too little cap ital. A young man with a few hun dred dollars will go down there and think that, because he can get his land cheap, he has money enough to start a grove on, but he generally finds out his mistake. Besides the expenses of which I have spoken there is the ex pense of labor,which, although labor is cheap there, amounts to considerable, and the cost of subsistance for the or ange grower and his family —if lie lias one—all of which count up. It will be two years before the orange trees—pro vided he is fortunate enough to get land that has wild orange trees on it, and grafts them —will yeald market able fruit, and all this time lie lias to incur the expenses I have mentioned. When his trees get to bearing lie must find a market for the oranges, and, un less he can be fortunate enough to sell them on the tress, he is at an expense for transportation. Having once got fairly started in the business, however, the expense is exceedingly small as compared with the returns, and a for tune can be made unless the orange grower is unfortunate with bis trees. A young man must make up his mind to endure some deprivations. If he goes into the unsettled part of Florida, as if he would have to do if he got His land cheap, he must confine himself to the society of the negro squatters and possibly one or two other orange grow rst vj or a dizin miles disAvit. He must school himself to view without o motion a snake dropping from the roof on his dinner-table, or some wild ani mal sitting on his front door-step. If he is fond of beef and milk he will find that he might as well sigh for ortolans and truffles. However, if a young man lias grit and energy, and combines with those requisites sufficient' capital, lie can make a fortune as easily and surely by starting an orange grove in Florida | as in any other way the world affords. An Illinois man had accumulated a few thousands, and his health was such as to convince him that lie liad not much left of life. lie picked out the scriptural clause, "Lay up treasure in heaven," and believed that lie could o bey. The process that he invented was to convert his wealth into paper money and burn it prayerfully on an alter. lie went so far as to build the altar and kindle a sacrificial fire,but he had burn ed only $lO when bis relatives forcibly deprived him of his religious liberty. A !\\ I'ER FOR.TiIK HOME UIRCLI A Sloshing Sloshvillite. Like the rest of mankind and some portions of moiikeydoni, I have long had an inflated idea that 1 could run a newspaper a lew points nearer the wind than anv editor yet horn, and especially tho editor ol the Sloshville Cutter, published iu a town in the West, where I had been hanging out for the .summer, and 1 so informed the editor a few weeks since. "Tangled snurles!" yelled ho, "how easy to unravel! I have been poking the cobwebs out of my brain trying to think of some one fitted to lill my chair, while I enjoy a trip to Phila delphia, to attend the funeral of my lamented mother-in-law, and here comes Nimble Yankee Acker, Fsq., (my full handle) just the man for the place. By the flop of a fly's wing, I am in luck." The die was cast, I was to run the Sloshville Cutter for one week, and at it 1 went. "You want to lie careful of your iiisinuationsand bits of sarcasm," said the editor, as a parting caution, "for the people of Sloshville are a little nervous and a little excitable under the ticklings of the editorial pen; in fact, if 1 had my choice, J would rath er tickle the hind leg of an army mule with a two-inch straw, than a nervous Slosshvillite with a forty-mile quill." The next day the editor left for Philadelphia to enjoy the rarity of a funeral of a mother-in-law—it is usu nllv the son-in-law's funeral—and | took up my task of grindingout items relating to Sloshville and vicinity. I had not labored long, when in rumbled a bugesjieeiineii of a Sloshcr, who looked as though lie bad just crawled from under a land side. He wore a bat which had been viciously slashed by the scythe of time, the left side of the brim having been lopped off. as if to give freedom to the ear which meekly hugged the place which had in past ages given it shelter from the cold glances of a frowning world. The other portions of his attire also attested to the changes which time may bring about during the flight of ceuturies—excuse the plural; the sun mav never have shone in all its splen did refulgence at the dawn <f tho day; nor the benevolent moon east its dim radiance in thequiet night, upon those garments for more than one century, but be that as it may, they were frill ed and shaggy, like unto the eyebrow of Barnuin's best monkey, and were in danger of being torn asunder when he sat down and began: "Howdy, mister; so ye the fcl'r as is goin' ter run this here shebang while the ed'ter is oft" tor Pliilatlelfy, eh? I jest thought I'd scoot in and give ver a pint or two about town Join's. Mv name'sllank Haukerson." "Ah, Mr. Haukerson, glad to see you. Anything stirring about town?" "Wall, now; I should say there was. Do you think I'd come prowlin' round here if I had nothin' ter shoot off tor ver? Wall, I rather guess not! I eaeklate I am the man who can whoop up more Sloshville news for ver in an hour, than any other galoot could in a week." I mav have looked a little doubtful of his ability to fill the bill, for he said: "Don't catch on, eh? \\ all, get ver quill and I'll sling more gollslamed news at yer in fifteen minutes, than yer ever herd whoaped from one man's tongue in a lifetime, or 1 hope a cy clone will scoop me up and drop me from the highest peak of the Hockeys*. Here she goes; now slop around the ink." "Last fall,me and Bill Brondbut went over to " "But lioid on," said I, "people don't want to read about what you did a year ago. Give us something fresh." "Oh, it'll he fresh 'nougli before I get through. Just you never mind,but scatter that ink. As 1 was savin,' last fall, mo and Bill went over to Bnngtown, and there was a slundig going on at " "Confound it; man; I tell you that is not news. It's stale. What the people want is something new and " "Something new eh; I ruther eaek late 1 know whatt he people want. Wall, gosh darn my looks, I should say I did! You just spill that ink and I'll give you news—yes, sirce—news. There was a shindig goin' on at Jack Slopper's ranch, and me and Bill " "Scissors and shears!" yelled I, ',/ toll you / don't want to hear any thing iik iv about that blasted shindig, or me and Bill,' or Jack Shipper's ranch or anything else that rioted around these diggings before the landing of Columbus, /f you have any news— news that is news—just spit it out. ' "Now, look a here, mister; never von mind about the Itimlin' ol Ker luniTms or any of the rest of them air forin' chaps; but listen to me and squirt that ink." As my friends and the lest of the world well know, I seldom loose my temper, and tierhaps 1 didn't then; but as Mr. Haukerson had asked ine sev< r al times to spill that ink, I thought I'd do it, and I did—l spilled it oyer his beautiful features, I slopped it over bis nobby bat, I scattered it on bis confi ding ear, and squirted it into bis in telligent eyes, until it trickled from the ends of bis fingers. Probably this was not according to his notions or how ink should be spill ed; for he was mad—madder than any Western cyclone ever dreamed of being. In some manner, yet unknown to me, I stretched myself gracefully upon the sanctum floor and rolled around like a ball with which a kilter* is playing,and Mr. IlanKerson acted the part of the kitten. At length the"deviP'and the "jours" came out and gently persuaded Hanker son, by club argument, that he had let ter skip. When 1 went to the hotel, Mrs. Ack f r wanted to know if 1 had been inter viewing a mule. A Washington Bonaparte. Col, Jerome Bonaparte, the rightful heir to the throne of France, or what ever else the Corsican family are en titled to, was one of the striking figures there, as he is in every assembly, lie is above the average height, ot broad shoulders and fine Duilt, and carries himself with a dignity and air that marks him at once. Eccentric old Bet ty Patterson might well be proud of her grandson "lit)," and Frenchmen lo >k upon him admiringly as one who unites in liimscll the noblest of the i Boiap.ute tr.u's. Col. Bonaparte fought iu our war and served his great uncle's country throughout the Fran - ; co-Prussian struggle. Helms steadily refused to entertain any aspirations to- | wards the throne, and in his life pre- j sents as noble an example as the late Countc de Chambord. Revolutionists and political schemers have received courtesies, but no encouragement at his*hanris, and since his majority (Ml. Bonaparte has led the straightforward, 1 self-respecting life of an American professional man. Ilis large inheritance from his mother assured him a foitune without depending upon his profession, but until his removal here his name was with his brother's on the sign of j their law firm in Baltimore. Col. Bona- j parte resembles the late Emperor Na poleon in his features, wearing the same mustache and imperial, but his figure and bearing render him a much finer looking man than that gray-eved Man of Destiny. There was a sharp contrast when he stood beside Gen. Sheridan, who with his dumpy little figure, queer wrinkled face and bald crown hardly reached to the shoulder of the imperial-looking man beside him. He'd Wait and See. During the war a couple of New York ers went clown into Pennsylvania to prospect for oil, and, having discovered a "stratum," they undertook to pur chase five acres of land of an old Ger man. lie was up to snuff, if not to oil, and refused to sell at any reasonable figure. O.ie of the would-be purchasers finally said to him: k ßee here, Mr. Klopp, we propose to buy this land and turn it over to the government." "Vhas for?" "To help put down the rebellion, The time has come when every man must show his colors. Are you for the Union V" "Vhell —yhell ' "Are you a patriot, or not?" "Vhell, I tell you how it vas. If dere vhas oil in my land, I hold it for one tousaiid dollars an acre und vhas a reb el. If dere vhas no oil, I sell it to you foi two hundered dollars an acre und vhas a good patriot." Jeems' oldest son desired to attend the policemen's ball. The mother of the young man insisted he should not go. 'Have nothing to do with balls, my son, lliey are dangerous,' said the care ful parent. The next morning Jeems, jr., refused fish-balls at breakfast, re peating the words of his mother the night previous. The old lady looked over her glasses at her hopeful and re marked; 'Are you afraid of bones? - A young man out in Waupun, Wis.' organized an accordion corps. At last accounts lie was still half a mile ahead of the inhabitants, but things looked quite encouraging, as he was very much out of breath. Terms, SI.OO per Year, in Advance. Items of Interest. The charge against n California Judge is of frivolity, and the specifica tion is that he puts his hair in papers every night, woman fashion, to make it curl when lie is on the bench next day. In Germany, hereafter, each town must keep n record of all the hard drinkers, ami the city medic it men are bound to report those who habitually imbibe to excess,so that the authorities may subject them to a strict course of treatment. No bureau of the Government ex ceeds in importance the United States Patent Otlice. From the start it has be*n selfsustaining,and now has an un expended balancoto its credit of $2,500 000. This money is the result of fees paid by inventors to secure the patents which protect their inventions. The business of the Patent Otlice luts in creased with each year of its existence. A farmer from Pocahontas county, West Virginia, appealed in Staunton the other day searching for an auction block and an auctioneer. He was umb-foiindcd when told tint there were no slaye auctions in Virginia. He returned to his mountain home unable to sell the two slaves he had desired to sell, lie had cultivated his farm all these years in ignorance ot the emanci bation proclamation. MICROSCOPIC ANIMALS IN BRICKS. —The weathering of brick walls into a friable state is usually attributed to the action of the heat, .vet, and frost; but trom recent observations of M. Parize, the real destroyer is a microscopic creature, and the action played by the weather is only secondary. lie has ex amined the red dust of crumbling bricks under tae microscope, and found it to consist largely of minute living or ganisms. A sample of brick dust ta ken from the heart of a solid brick also showing the same animalculae, but in smaller numbers. THE .NOISE OF THE FINGERS.— When you poke the end of your finger in your ear,the roaring noise you hear is the sound of the circulation in your linger, which is the fact, as any one can demonstrate forliimself by first putting his lingers in his ears, ami. th?n stop ping them up with other substance. Try it, and think what a wonder of a machine your body is, Uiafc even the points of your fingers are such busy workshops that they roar like a a mall Niagara. The roaring is probably more than the noise of the circulation of the blood. It is the voice of all the vital processes together—the tearing down and building up processes t hat are al ways going forward in the living body from conception down to death. Married for Keeps. The skipper of a coal boat on the Bal timore and Ohio canal lecently decided, after mature deliberation and careful consideration, to marry his cook, who had been a tried and faithful servant to him for quite a number of his perilous trips on the storm-lashed canal. So he spoke to her about the matter one day, and aftei securing her coy consent, lie ordered the boat tied up at a small town, and, being a practical skipper, skipped up street after a parson. The nuptial knot was soon tied, the parson beaten down to a dollar and a half for his fee, and then the canal boatman said: 11 Well, Melindy, we are married for keeps now. We are hitched for life, and must pull together. I'm a little short-handed to-day, and as that lead mule has got saddle galls on his back, you jisl take the tow path, and lead him down to Harper's Ferry, an" I'll steer, an" kinder ruminate 011 some plan to give you work 011 the boat with out going asnore in the mud. I've got a powerful sight more respect for you now, that you're my wife." - 1 i A Fine View. Two Boston gentlemen, while tramp ing through the white mountains the past summer, came across a lonely hut among the hills from which the pros pect'was particularly fine and extended. The proprietor of tne establishment was hoeing in a small garden, and the travelers began to quiz him. Said one: '•You have an excellent view from your house?" "Party fair," replied the farmer. "I suppose," continued the first speaker, winking at his companion, "on A fair daj you can see almost to Europe. "Kin see further than that," return ed the man. "llow so ?" was asked in surprise. t "We dont' think nothin' of seein'as ,fur as the mime!" Tiie Bostonians had found their match. 'Only think of it !' exclaimed a Chi cago girl,'l weigh one hundred and twenty pounds in my stockings.' 'L>o you?' replied ner cousin from St. Louis, glancing at the feet of the first speaker, •I wouldn't have believed it. Ilow much do you weigh altogether?' NO. 8. NE W8 "PAPERL A WS. If subscribers, on lev lUe tiiseutiliißiatioii of newspafHnrs. I lie |>uWl>-Ih>is may <<ii;tiuue to semi iliem unUI Jill arrearages are paid. If subwrllHTs refime or neglect totakctlelr neu>|a|iers from the oflloe to whkJi they are sent they arc heM responsible until thcv have settled the liilis ai.d ordered them discontinued. It shsOeibei'R move to oilier places without In* forming the piihliMher, ami the newspapers sr wntto the former place, they are responsible. L. .. 1 . Ml J . ADVERTISING RATES. ' l wk. I l mo. 3 mos. G mos. ] yea 1 square ssSiKi|sion f ,No *g<m s'to ineolunnt 4•* | aoo toon t6oo ism 'i " 7 001 10 00 1600 30 00 4000 I " 1 > <H> | 16 00 26 00 16 00 75 CO One inch makcH a square. Administrators* and Executors' Notices Transient adver tisements and locals 10 eents tier Hue for first insertion and o cents per line for each addition al Insertion. AH ART fill, Auctioneer, MIR.LUKIM, PA. w. J. SPHIKtiEK,- Fashionable Barber, Next Door to JOLUNAL Store, Main Street, MILLHEIM, PA. D. H. MINGLE, Physician & Surgeon, - < 'Hiice cm Maiu Street. MILLHEIM, PA. JOHN F. BARTER, Practical Dentist, Office opposite flic Miliheim Bunking House MAIN STREET, MILLHEIM, PA liI'MOROIIS. lias it ever occurred to bass ball men that a milk pitcher is a good flycatcher? The longest word in the dictionary is 'disproportionableness.' By punching out every other letter it ought to make an exceleut comb. Mrs. Murphy— I 'Och, it's awful, tlier paypul what's luried aloive I If 1 be living whin I'm dead, Pat, don't be afther burying me aloive !" Teacher—'Now, children, which one of you can tell tne what a consonant is? Bright bay—'l can. It's a portion of land surrounded by water.' A sensiole farmer says he'd rather sell milk than eggs, because he has nev er yet been able to find a pump that could help the hens in the slightest. What's the difference between the man who tears down a picket fence and one who dresses a spring chicken? Ohe pulls the picket and the other picks the puller. * 'ln this issue,' said an exchange, 'is an artie'e headed 'What will the coming girl wear ?' We rather think, however, she won't wear anything—when she comes.* "Yes'said Mrs. Upper ten,'l kuow the telephone is a great convenience,but I shall haye it taken out of the house. The things ure so dreadfully common, you know.' A river called Kissmelonga lias been discovered by Stanley in Central Africa, and the Boston TrcinscrtjX knows it has heard the name before, but not In this connection. A man's brain weighs three and a half pouuds. A woman's brain is si me what lighter, but of finer quality. That is what enables her to taste lard in her neighbor's pastry. How RAPIDLY a man looses all inter est in Thanksgiving and Christmas ob servations and the glorious results of a Massachusetts election when he shuts A dooa on his thumb ! An Indian named 'Man-Afraid-of- Xothing,' married a white woman in Montana recently, and in and week af ter the wedding applied to his t tribe to have his name changed. 'I always sing to please myself,' said a gentleman who was humming a tune in company. How nice it is to be so easily pleased P responded a lady who sat next to him. 'Your father is woitli at least half a million,, sakl he to his jealous sweet heart. That is true,' 1 she murmured. 4 And yet you doubt my love,' he re plied, in.an injured tone. The Chief of Police of Buffalo defines a suspicious person as 'a man standing on the street corner with his hands in his pockets.' Fold your arms and lean against a wall if you want to pass for an honest man. A man very ranch intoxicated was taken to the station. "Why did you not bail him out?" inq aired a bystan der of a friend. "Bale him out?" ex claimed the oilier, "Why, you couldn't pump him outl" 'No,' SAID a fond mother, speaking proudly of her twenty-five-year-old daughter; 'no, Mary isn't old enough to marry yet. She cries whenever any one scolds her, and until she becomes hardened enough to talk back vigprous ]y she isn't fit for a wife,.' ; • . A man in a sleeping car went through a terrible accident, in which the car rolled down an embankment, without waking. It was noted, however ? that as the car struck the bottom he 1 mur mered : 'Don't, Jane, don't'* I'll get' up and start the fire directly.' 'Grandpa, does hens make their otvn eggs?' 'Yes, indeed, they do, Johnny. 7 'An' do they always put the yolk in the middle ?' 'Guess they do, Johnny.' 'An'do they put the starch around it to keep the yaller from rubbing off ?' Quite likely, my boy.' 'An' who sews the cover on ?' This stumped the old gentleman.