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SARCASM OF DEAN SWIFT.
Humor In Hit “Rules and Direction! for Servants.** There vaa a servant problem when Dean Swift was alive just as there is to-day, and he died in 1745. in Ills *‘Rules aid Directions for Servants” he wrote: "When you hive broken all your earthen vessels be’ow stairs —which is usually done In t) week-- the copper pot will do as well; it cm boil milk, beat porridge hold small apply it indifferently to all these uses, but never wash or scour it." And again: "If you want paper to singe a fowl, tear the first book you see shout the house. Wipe your shoes for want of a clout, ou the bottom of a curtain or a darna.sk napkin.* lo roasting or boiling,” he gt*rs on. "use none but the large coala and sa>e the small ones for the tires above stairs.” AnoCer touch that might have been vriu:h to-day is the follow irg: "When a butler dears the plate leave the whiting plainly to be seen In all the chinks, for ftar your lady should not believe you hud cleaned It." Once more: "There are several ways of putting out a ctndle; you may run the candle end against the wainscot, which puts the snuff out Ira mediately; you may lay It on the ground and tread thf snuff mt with your foot; you may hold it upside down until it la choked in its own grease, or cram it into the socket of the candlestick. >ou may whirl it round In your hand till It goes out " DOES NOT LIVE IN FIRE. Popular Ido About the Solamandei lo Fallacious. Now that “spontaneous generation has enhanced the realm Of supersti tion for that of fact, an older theory about it become* Interesting In An drews' “Anecdotes Ancient sud Mod ern'' (17S9), one reads: 'Should a glass honss Are be kept up. without citin< (ion for s longer term than sev en years, there Ik no doubt that sala mander would be generated in the cin ders." This probably accounts for ths popular Idea that a salamtndcr lives In the Are. a fallacy so far removed from the truth that the cdr.ou* lizard like beast so called cannot endure even 'he heat of the sun. but skulks away under stones to avol«. It It will never ’os# Its reputation for Are eat ing. though, which lingers still in the heating utensil that Is named after It. Passing of the Camp Masting. A venerable American institution, the ramp meeting, la on the wane. It la still far from dead.’but those who know U best perceive uost clearly that Its sunset hour has cotne. As the old preachers of to cay recount In tha past tense the exierienres of the circuit rider, that pioneering apos tle of Christianity to new communities, so the preachers of tomorrow will tell on occasions of reminiscence of the former glories of the hilarious camp meeting, when peop e got re ligion" and were not afraid to make a noise about It Fewer and* fewer of the strongest preachers i.tteud the ramp meetings. The more cultivated church membera become the lesa taste they appear lo have for this sort of "oldtime religion." Plulnly, the camp meeting la on the decline. The Mether'e Peligkn. Often our children fall to respect •nr religion because we do not All highest capacity. We allow some THE STATESMAN, DENVER, COLORADO. suuueu passion, some overwhelming care to cause us to lose our self-con trol and drag us down to 'the lower levels of life. Our.chlldren measure us by the assiduity with which we follow and practice our beliefs and the eagerness and hope under which we strive to make them grow. Of what value la our religion if it does not smooth the tern x and add clieev an comfort to * . * • ; if It doe* not put more Just ft** .. . wetness and love into human :'fe?—Aiontreal Her ald. Ltarn Science of Smiling. To the woman who wishes to make her path through life an easy and agreeable one, the science of smiling is a most necessary study. Like act ing, or art, or engineering, it is a thing in which only practice ran mak* one perfect. A little theory may go : lpng way, but it is enough to remem her these two rules: First, the honey of a smile catches more hearts than the vinegar of a frown or the peppe. of a sneer; second, it is not the me chanical beauty hut the significance of the smile that is attractive.—Ex change She Rests. The woman that really wants her husbaud to be happy. »nd doesn't find delight in saving her blackest, most doleful side for him, rests befoie it is time for him to come home She doesn't work hard until she hears his step, and then, worried and nervous, run to meet him with a complaint upon her lips. She stops work before It is time for him to come. bathe« her face, combs her hair, slips into ! a comfortable, clean drees, and either lies down or sits doing nothing until he comes.— Exchange. Weight of the Earth. A cubic foot of earth weighs about | five and a half times as much as a , blc foot of water A cubic mile of earth then weighs 25.649.300,000 tor The volume of th* earth is ?6b>?«• • 900.000 cubic Guiles 1 weigh of thg world without its ttmoiphtie i» I.I06.250.OO0.000.O00 ,000.000 tons If we add to this the weight cf *he at mosphere given above we get a gram; total of •.w6«,t&6.819.6Qfc0<KM>00.0.«0 i tons ” — Eye-Glasses and Romance. It Is curious to observe that ever, the greatest realists do not venture to bestow eye glasses on their heroines. It is rather odd, too. seeing how many charming women do In real life wear them, and are not debarred by them from the moat dramatic careers and the most poignant emotions. Hut whilo the modern novelist has be •towed eye-glaases on everybody else he has not yet had the hardihood to put them on the nose of his 1 *rMne. Why?—By Mrs. John Lane in the London Outlook. Mean of Him. Mrs. Stubbs carefully unfolded the paper. N liaten, John." she said. "How la this for a thrilling account of a great naval battle: 'For four hours the haft man-of w ar spoke Incessantly -Hold on!" Intemwted Ml itubb. -Too •»> It apok« lnc«u*nU) !jt four fcoan? Why. lb»t most hit* bow • womu-of-wnr." JUDGE WOULD FIGHT THE CASE. Ailing Jurist Tills Humorous Story to Prove Determination. Mr. Justice Scott, now In p hospital, where he has undergone a severe sur gical operation, never was so ill that he could not appreciate and recite a humorous yarn. Lying flat on his back, nurses and doctors with arbi trary rules around him last Friday, he appealed from one of the nurse's orders. When the physician was summoned he told him what he wanted. “The nurse here thinks I shouldn't have it, he said. “So 1 have come to you," and then he told the doctor of a case that once was before the supreme court In the lower court the trial Judge was an enemy to one of the pleaders at the bar. The suit was de cided adversely to him and it was taken up higher. ‘When it was reached In the su preme couix" justice went on. counsel amse and said: ‘lf it please the court this is the case of .1 bert versus Scott, on appeal from county Judge Jones presiding. But th«re are other reasons why this de rision should he reversed.’" \nd ' continued the Justice. “If I don’t get what 1 want I will take the matter up to the chief physician and cite that Roberts case to nim."—-Chi cago American REED GOT EVEN WITH DINGLEY Repartee That Furnished Amusement for Diners. When ihe town of Brunswick. Me., celebrated. some years ago. the 150th anniversary of its incorporation, there was a big dinner, aud “Tom Reed and Nelson Dinghy were present, and were, of course, called upon to speak Di"gle> spoke first, and said, in conclusion that he had made no prep aiation. and would cow make way for a gentleman who had comt with a prepared speech, meaning Reed, who got hack at Dingley as follows ‘ Mr. Toastmaster. 1 am sorr. to be gin with an apology Some time ago I attended a celebration like this in Vnlty. in Waldo county, and there heard Gov. Dingley refer touchingly to Unity as his birthplace. 1 after ward learned that the Governor was also bom In Durham. In the county of Androscoggin, and 1 know that noth ing but my presence here prevents claiming that he was born in Bruns wick. too. And I feel like apologizing for being here, for it will hereafter be an honor to have even shared in the birthplace of Gov. Dingley.” Calculating. A west Philadelphia grocer relate! that some few days ago a little girl entered his store, and. laying down a dime, asked for ten cents' worth of candy. "It s for papa." she explained. *'l want to ’spise him when he comes home ” The grocer displayed several kinds, but none seemed to strike the fancy of his young customer, who finally sa1(l: "Give me caramels; 1 Just love cara mels.’ Blit I thought you wanted them for papa." said the grocer "I know." assented the little girl, "tut when I give them to papa he'll just kiss me and say 'cause I'm such a generous little girl he'll give them all back to me.' ao’you'd Letter give me caramels ” Pop* Pius Cncouragcs Athletics. Pope Pius X. has gone In for a start* ling new departure Hi# holiness has thrown himself warmly into the en eourageraent of athletics in Italy ever since he ascended the papal throne, and now he is actually going to hold an athletic competition within the pre cincts of the Vatican its<lf. He has given over 200 gold and silver prizes for the competitions and it is even said that he intends to he i resent in person at the dual event of t)je pro* gram, which a ill probably take place in the Cortile della PIgna. He often advises elderly cardinals who are in clined to look askance at such bodily exercises to go and watch them In the gymnasiums. Long and Short Tails. A traveler in New Knglund saw ihs following feign on a hoard that was oai!»*d to a fence mar a village Horses taken in to grass i ong laiife. $150. short tails Si The traveler halted and asked the owner of the land why there was a difference In the | rice for board for horses “Well, you see.** said the man. “the long tails can brush away ihe flies, but the short ones are so tormented by them that they hardly eat at all." Germane Claim “Marseillaise." A Heru.au origin is now claimed for the national h>mn of France, the " Marseillaise." The tune is. it is averred, a variant-in quicktned tempo of the Credo" of an old trass, written In ITT.', by a choirmaster named Holt** maun and the original version le said to be preserved in the ncua cal library of the town church at Mat-ra* burg Anniversary of First Pledge. The seventy-third anniversary of the first teetotal pledge taken in Kngland was celebrated in n am Lancashire towns on 1. The document (signed by wen meni. which is still preserved, was drafted it; Pr. *\in on Bept 1, l«|?. Little Rain in Switzerland. Tourists in Switzerland have beta extraordinarily favored this summer. From early In June to the middle of August there was nardly any tain ' “™“ Romans Ate Oysters. The ancient Romans were great oys ter epicures. They ate the bivalves in immense numbers, and were able to tell, with eyes closed, Just what coast they came from. Destroys Adulterated Food. Six million pounds of adulterated and harmful foods were destroyed by the Health Department of New York in the last twelve months. Umbrella Stands on Cara. There is an agitation in Glasgow Scotland, to have umbrella stands provided on the platform of the elec tric street cars. Motor Cara for Naval Men. Some of the officers of the British navy now carry motof cars to sea with them, for use in foreign ports Ceatly Travel. between Ton. pah and Manhattan. Ne*\, fifty miles, there is nn automo bile service Round trio 1*5