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SECRET OF SUCCESS NOW, "said the interviewer, after t*e great man had told of his achievements, "will you tell me to what you i-seribe your success?" " For publication or your own infomation?" asked the great man. "For publication," was the reply. "Then say, " said the great man reflectively, "that I attribute my present position to industry, economy, perseverance, a determin ation to succeed, and a general observation of all the rules which, if you care to print them at length, you may find in the biography of any self-made man." The interviewer laid down his ; pencil. " For my own information," he said, "what are the reasons for your success?" "My relatives, friends and the grace of God," responded the great man. "My father and mother were perhaps re sponsible for most. 1 love my ease as much as any man. I delight to put off till to morrow what I might do to-day; but my parents cured me of that as far. as their opportunities went. Through my uncle I got my start in business. Many a time when Opportunity has knocked at my door I have been asleep and she has passed on but some friend of mine has caught her by the ear, brought her back and insisted on my em bracing her " For the most brilliant of my achievements there is absolutely no explanation. Most were accomplished without previous thought, at a chance meeting, or under circumstances such as no living man could have brought about. That is what I call the grace of God." "Better let me print that," remarked the interviewer. "No," replied the great man. "The old story is best. It may be tiresome to some, but it's been told so often that no other will be believed." * # * She . "I do not want a single thing for my birthday 1 shall be indignant if you give me anything, and — " • ' He. "Yes, I understand dear Will a diamond do?" WANTED ALL THE GOODIES TEDDY was about to be ten years old. * In view of this interesting event Teddy's mother had ordered some ice-cream and cakes and other dainties, and Teddy was told to invite his little friends to a birth day party The evening of the celebration tame around, and all the goodies were waiting to be enjoyed. Teddy and his mother were also waiting. Suddenly the youngster said " Mother, don't you think it's time to eat the ice-cream and cake now?" "No, indeed, my son." she replied, "we must wait until your friends are here " "Well, to tell you the truth, mother," began Teddy, "I just thought that for once in my life I'd like to have enough goodies, so I guess we better begin now, cause I didn't invite anyone." # # * Amelia H. of Uoonsocket writes to ask if a man with an eagle eye is therefore a bird Certainly not, Amelia. No more than that the man who lives by his pen is neces sarily a pig. •.'■: * * # THE DENTISTS BILL WHEN Congressman John Sharp Williams visits New-York he "never fails to look in at a small kindling-wood shop pre sided over by an old negro who was formerly a retainer in the Williams family On his latest call he found the old man unhappy. "What's the matter, Lafe?" asked Mr. Williams. " I'se just been done out o' some money, Marse John, and that's mattah 'nough, " replied the negro. "Had a torrible misery in mah toof and went to a dentist and got hit pulled, and he chaghed me a dollah, a whole dollah. Why, once down in Tenn'see I went to ole Doc Tinker, and he pulled two toofs and broke mah jawbone, and only changed me fifty cents. I'se been buncoed." * * * Johnny. "Pa, what's a poppler song?" Pa. "A popular song, Johnny, is a song that's so popular that it's unpopular." * * * A PONY'S INFLUENCE LITTLE DICK. "Mamma, I think I'd be a better boy if 1 had a pony like Tom Hunter's." Mother. "Better in what way. my boy?" Little Dick "1 think I'd be more chari table." Mother, surprised. "More charitable?" Little Dick " Yes. Because then 1 wouldn't feel so glad when Tom's pony runs away with him." SUNDAY MAGAZINE for JANUARY 15. 1905 Plaint of an Ancient Cliff-Dweller By Wallace Irwin On a museum shelf lay a Cliff- Dweller s skull, A yellow old relic of cavernous hollows. Who Winked at me twice from his cavities dull. And opened his grin and orated as follows: "With tenants above you and lodgers below And [K.rters and hall-boys wherever you've at. You also may know the poor Cliff-Dweller's woe Who lived in an antedeluvian flat. "We moved in our cave. Mrs. Bear- Face and I — A tenth floor apartment (five bones was the rental). Twas a clay-finished suite with the ceiling* quite high. And frescoes with shin-bones and teeth ornamental. "But the tenants below and the tenants above They worried us daily with this thing and that — True hearts in a cottage may live upon love, But not in an antedeluvian flat. "The Stonehatchet-Smiths (sixth floor rear) how they'd fight! And their daughter sang popular airs in soprano; The Catts (two below) "JUi bridge parties all night, And Speachandle- Jones played a home-made piano. "Our bed-rooms, alas! were so stuffy and small That the walls on both "sides with our elbows woe dented. We piled all our furniture out in the hall. For freight elevators were not the"n invented. " We*carried- our groceries up ten flights of stairs --■"(And that's a good deal for a delicate feller); - The landlord was constantly putting on airs And raising the rent on the poor old Cliff- Dweller. • » " 'Twas'racket above us, 'twas rumpus below. We sent in complaints, but they didn't mind that — I ask but "your sympathy, stranger — you know How mortal can sutler who lives in a flat. " I uttere.d a sigh, which 1 couldn't refrain. For this ghostly flat-dweller \vho lived ere the flood: For the Man-in Apartments is bound to complain, Be his tlat of mahogany, marble or mud. Wi § c or Otherwise By E. G. Holden Heaven doesn't help those who help themselves to other people's property- It does not seem to have to. What Satan promises and "makes good " is bad. A man does not have a "big heart" if it is only swelled with vanity, pride. malice or envy. He who looks at the earth only and what he can get out oi it never sees the sun. If we lived as much like j>erfect men as pigs live like "perfect pigs." the millenium would be here. It is the bankrupts who pray "dive us our debts and we will forgive our debtors. " A wolf in sheep's clothing fleeces himself. Vain people are like small birds with enormous plumage. They wear feathers several sizes too bjg for them. If our neighbors were only as good as we are. lawyers would starve. It is significant that when one seeks light on how to live he doesn't look into a cannon or a gun-barrel. Some people make their friends wish that the Lord had need oi them elsewhere. He that loses a friend is careless. Many a man every, day prays for his daily bread and then grumbles tiiraiMl it isn't cake. II you can't attend the heavenly feast because you've got a new yoke oi oxen, take the oxen along tor the feast Unlike the human being, the horse with the biggest "'pull" does the nest of the pulling. The apple of discord lies so near the vocal chords thai you ran hardly tell it from Adam's. If men would only walk as straight outside the church as they do to their news! Tltae PEn otlo^irsip lbex's dbs^m By Nixon Waterman They could not get her picture, though they tried and tried and tried — The child was, oh, so restless! — till the picture-taker sighed: If you will leave your darling quite alone with me a spell I think that I can calm her." Said the mother: "Wry well." The picture soon was taken, and the mother marveled much That, though he was a stranger, the photographer owned such A charm to calm her darling; so she asked her. later on: "What did the nice man say to you, my dear, when I was gone?" "He thaid to me," lisped Lucy: ""If you dare to stir or squall. You red-nosed little jumping- jack. I'll eat you, clothes and all" And then I tsat real still, mamma, till he thaid: 'That will do. You dear, thwcet, little girlie girl!' and then he thent for you." DIVISION OF TERRITORY PHIL MAY. while visiting this eotzntry, ' one night lined with Stephen Crane near the Washington Arch, New-York. The dinner was more expensive than they I 1 intended, and when they emerged and sr... ••••' up Fifth-aye they had only a few cental between them. This was a situation not to be endured but Crane remained cheerful. " Never min-i. ' he said when they had gone a block, ' .n artist I know has a studio right in this tnnld ing Wait here. I'll run up. make a q^jk touch and be back in two minutes." But at tiie end of the two min-jte-, he returned with the report that the stadia was *■ bad They proceeded onward, 'le vising ways and means. Meeting a friend Crane explained their dire need, but the friend unfortunately was in. the same con dition. They went on till they reached a small picture-shop where Crane believed he was well enough known to claim relief . but the proprietor proved to be stony-hearted. " It's all right; Phil," said Crane as they resumed their journey up the avenue " I know ■ man just this side -A Twenty-thirfl st. where we can pet all we need — that . if he is in." he added with a touch of fori boding. Just then an- unkempt man started out from a shadow. "Gents," he began in whmir. • tones, "'•. .: you give a poor man a few pennies to j / for a night's lodging?" "What do you mean, sir?" cried ' turning on the man savagely. "Yf i over on the other side of the street— . re working this side' • # »* "I half believe that there's a ske!et^ ia the core's closet." "I shouldn't wonder. One day -sr.-n Kissmore took me home with him m eatptct edly to dinner 1 thought ! heard it t:. s wing things at him out in the kitchen." * * * NEVER HEARD THE NEWS WHE>» Bishop Meade was an <■■ thts»> VV astic young minister he mv.'. many missionary journeys into the wiL : the Southern mountains. On one occasion as he sat at the .' rcf a mountaineer's hut refreshing hirr. : from a tedious jaunt with the butterrriuk and m pone the young mountaineer wife had (--red. the enthusiast entered into the story ol the Redemption to an interested audienc 1 I one. As the story proceeded the yotmg - :r>an from time to time uttereil cxclamati na of surprise and delight. ' You don't mean to tell me," I the young divine, feeling the sincerity her surprise, "that you never before '.. ard of "Christ and Him Crucified'?" The young woman, realizing ft m his shocked tones the magnitude of heri. ■: .nee. put her fists into her eyes, drew up her t] m to dry her tears, and cried apr *]■ .:•■:•. .!!y and lamentably: "Oh. Mister.' L .-.•• vi far from de Big Road, and my rev : ' \n he don't never tell me no news'" * * * Little brother- " Rol!o. what is the dif ference between a man and a boy?*" Bigger brother. "A man is a boy that is too old to be spanked; that's all the d:.' ference." # % # » NOBIDDY " ANSWERED THE average small boy's opinion of himself * is none too high, but the reply of a small stable-boy in Chicago may scarcely be taken as the average. A woman whose husband kept the driving horse in one of the many "boarding stables" in the city, tele phoned the other day to have the horse and carriage brought to the house. A strange voice answered the telephone. "Is this So &' So's stable?" queried the woman. "Yes,"' came the answer. "Well, who is this?" "Aw. 'taint nobuddy. Wait a minnit and I'll call somebuddy," came the answer. * * # Weeks : "I laughed at my wife when she first took up physical culture for a fad." Peeks: "Why don't you now?" Weeks: "I dassen't. " * * * HAD NEVER MET BEFORE THEY had just been introduced. * "Really." she said timidly. "Your face seems so familiar to me I think we must have met before." "Impossible," he sighed; "if we had eve met before I should either be engaged to you, married to you or dead of a broke heart ere this. " No wonder she asked him if he would- . like to wear her college-pin for awhile!