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STANDING THE OLD MJN ON HIS HEAD.
The Elephant: "Really Theodore, this doesn't seem dignified!" — Cleveland Plain Dealer. TO HAVE AND TO HOLD-By w. w. i acobs . < «ipj-rlcht J>7 W. W. Jacobs. Illustr«.t«l by Will Owen, The old an pat outside th« Cauliflower Inn. jooldnff crcss'y up tho road. Ho was fond of con ven&tlcn. but the pedestrian who had stopped to £rte*c a ang of ale beneath the shade of the doors to not happy in his choice of subjects. He would only talk i ' the pernicious effects of beer en the ecaetJtutlor-s of the eged. and he listened with ill eeaoealed ■ ; alienee to various points which the h»fflfd Bnetant opposite urged In its favor. OorAfr.. -. languished: the traveller rapped on the t ..: I and had his mug refilled. He nodded «rnrteru?:y to his companion and drank. "Seems I > me." said the latter sharply, "you like it for a.'.', your talk." The «.hcr shook Ills head gently, and leaning back, bestowed a covert wink upon the signboard. He then explained that It was the dream of his life to give up beer. To:: • another Job Bro-xn." said the old man. irritably, "that's wot you are; another Job Brown. J*ve seen your kind afore." He shifted further along the Feat. and. taking up Us lane clay pipe from the table, struck a match cd moked the few whiffs which remained. Then fc* heard tho traveller order a pint of ale with gin fc it ar.d a paper of tobacco. His dull eyes glis tened, but be made a feeble attempt to express eur pas* when these luxuries were placed before him. "Wot I said just now about you being like Job Brown mraa only In joke like." he said, anxiously mhe tasted the br ' -*•■ "If Job 'ad been like you he d -'■•■- been a bettor man." Tbe ihilanthroplst bowed. He also manifested a ™ curiosity concerning one to whom he had for However ehort a time, vg cstefi a resemblance! ■a was one of the 'ardest drinkers in these raits," : . pan the old man, slowly, filling his pipe The traveller thanked him. "Wot I r ear, was," said the old man. hastily. there was unpleasantness all round then. t.'.e International New* drr.: "Hfct a!l the time '<■ was drinking '« was talking ** lr ' beer same as you was Just now, and ha used U> try all sorts o' ways and jjlans of becoming a teetotaler. He used to sit up "ere of a night drinking 'Is 'arflfEt sad talking all the time of ways and Eeans by which 'c could rive it up. He wed to **& about ;.!fsi .t as ife was somebody rise '«■ was tr ' 1r >' to do good to. "Tfc«i chaj'S about 'ere got sick of 'is talk. They »■»« poor ni<n mostly, same as they are now. and tiiey could only drink: ■ .'■:• ale now and th»-n; *°' while they was lotas of It they 'ad to sit and ™ t * n to Job Brown, who made lots •" money deal •2*. Cri.-.k!r.g j>int arter pint, o' gin and beer and calling Jt • ison. an* Baying they was killing their ■brbl "^oractlmcs - used to pet pitiful over It, and Bit ** klr; -' 'is 'rad at 'em for drowning tholrselves in «*r. fc6 ba .-•,.»•••• ought to be giving «« money to their wives and families. Ho sat d "* n end cried on« night over Hill Chambers'* *' ***■* being out of '<-r boots. Hill sat struck Jj <* a 'cap. and It might 'aye passed off, only Hen y "ft-}..,,, fipoke up for Mm, and Hid that lie freely ever 'ad a pint but wot somebody clso paid "sr it. Th're wj-.s unpleasantness all round then, "" in th«» row somebody knocked one o' Hencry's t^h out. And that wasn't the only unpleasantness, and W lan torr." of the chaps put their '.-ads together agreed among theirselves to try and help Job "•'own to tfv* up the drink. They kep* it secret * rom Jot ». hut the next time '»? camo In and ordered . ** ot Joe Oi:!Aip.s-'av!nß won the toss— drank It °J mistakp. ;in >] went stralglit off 'one .is 'ard as '« Wwaackte, -v Up*. , ne a 'l the best of it, the other ctaapa 'aving to **i Job down in 'is chair, and tryin their 'ardeFt that Joe Gubbins was only doing him a ~Ma*ss. He swiiiHl to understand at last, and * r a !'<t.^ tjiii,. > ■ ,;.j ;i.- ■•■ could at a Jo« °*»nt to do "!m a k indiM as. but ■• •■! better not *aea> ... . H« k«-;.t it vory tlg , nt <o]d o . tJ)e nPXt -.1. and jjj, * •** dr 'wn at the table he looked round nasty *o*i to<l aKk " d '«ai whether there was any non as Ilk*, to do 'lm a kindness, and Henery White j *'"* r * ■>'•■«. :<nd be went straight off 'ome «rt«-r Croj,j,i fj o. H },; t! ,,if ui „• Ba wduf=t into Joi/» mug. f, J% . *** fen oU man, an' I've s<n-n a good many U^ Rl >' time, but I've never »*sn anything like ittT* thal '"''•"'"•' l then. H wan no g.»<».i talk- Xhtxt 3tjh ' ""' " Wt " '"' '"'"^ lli:>t "■'"'• ' s " nat ' I< j^ * Vf '' 1 w '"-n "is own words was repeat! .1 t«. Mm Wouldn't listen, lie behaved Ilk* » madman; *Icy ll±r)tiv>i(i^ > - '<• u»ed was that fearful and that •«v<m , U>hX Kll;itl1 - tM * landlord, said V wouldn't »«!uT thwt youV) lj:i ' Ihouslit that Job Brown tut 1? *** Wt ofr <ls t;llk b*o«* bei>l< - r teetotaler; In* didnt. n.. Hiti<l th ,. y was qu it.i right In tiy g?« do 'irn a kindn«si>. but li- didn't like the way *ro di<l U '*' H'il<lH ' il<l there was a right way and a tfe«. * Wl "> of lJ " in s everything, and they'd rhnaa t^is ell very will for 'Us to ■ !k, but the chaps <*»bo.* '° S * fc * dlink lltBe «^ W death for all they I^^* Aid Itiitead of bc-fciii*; Mm bale 'ome a* •" ■ "" *•* *• wli«i •» wu wora* than uaual h» "ad to look arter hissolf and get *ome as best he could. "It was through that at last 'c came to offer five pounds reward to anybody as could "elp Mm to be come a teetotaler. He went off 'ome one night as usual. End arter stopping a few seconds in the parlor to pull htaself together, crept quietly up stairs for fear of waking Ms wife. He saw by tha crack under the door that she'd left a candle burn- Ing, co he pulled hlspelf together agin and then turned the 'andle and wont in and began to try an' take off Ms coat. "He 'appened to give a "alf-look toward the bed as 'c did so, and then 'c started back and rubbed Ms and told Mmself he'd be better In a minute. Then 'c looked agin, for Ms wife was nowhere to bo seen, and in the bed all fast and sound asleep and snoring their 'ardest was littlo Dick Weed the tailor and Mrs. Weed and the baby. "Job Brown »rubbed Ms eye.s again, and then 'c drew hisfelf up to Ms full height, and. putting one 'and on the chest o' drawers to steady hisself, stood there staring at 'em and getting madder and DARING OF 'IM TO COME OUT. (Copyright by the International News Company.) madder every second. Then 'c gave a nasty cough, and Dick and Mrs. Weed an* the baby all woke up and stared at Mm as though they could 'ardly be- Hawa their eyesight. " 'Wot do you want?* sea Dick Weed, starting up. •'•i;.-t up,' ses Job. 'ardly able to speak. 'I'm surprised ut you. Gtt up out o' my bed dlreckly.' •• Tour bed?" screams little Dick; 'you're the worne for lieker, Joi Brown. Can't you see you've come into the wrong house?' '• 'Kb?' ses Job, starir.e-. 'Wrong 'ouse? Well, wherc-'s mine, then?" " Next door but one, same as it always was.' Bea I>lrk. 'Will you po?' " "A" richt,' ses Job, staring. 'Well, goo'night, Dick. Goo" night, Mrs. Weed. Goo* night, baby.' "M.M.d night.' ses Mrs. Weed, from under tiie bedclothes. " 'Goo' night, baby,' s< 5 J')!-, ayain. "' It can't talk yet.' s<s !><ck. 'Will you go?' " 'Cant ti.lk — why rot?' ge.s Job. "Dick didn't answer 'im. '■ 'Well, goo" night, Dick," h« aea agin. THE DOCTOR SAID IT WOULD BE A LONG JOB. ii r;y:..-i.t by Urn [■taraattaoaJ Kew« Oompanj i " ■<;<•</ night,' sea Dick, from between 'is teeth. "<;■..»■ night, lira. Weed,* ses Job. •M:- Weed forced herself to say 'good night' agin. ■■ 'i ;•.!>• iiij-!.' t .i! •. .' lea .T<>ii. •■ 'Look 'ore.' sea Dirk, raving, 'are you goln' to stay 'ere nil night. Job Brown?* "Job didn't answer 'lii. but began to go 'down stairs, saying "goo" night" aa '»■ went, and he'd got pretty near to the bottom when he suddenly wondeted wot 'c v.-:is going downstairs for in stead of up, and. larling gently at "is foolishness, for making si' b a mistake '<• went upstairs agin His surprise when V see Dick Weed and Mia. Weed and th*- baby all In 'la bed pretty near took •i- teath away. doln' iii my '.< ■!'•• ne i • • if- our bed," wa Dick, trembling all over lou afon y> u've come into ,ng 'ouae.' •• -Wrong 'ouse,* pcs Job, .staring round the room. 'I b'leove you're right Goo" night, Dick; goo- light, Mrs. Weed; goo' night, baby.* "Dirk •• ■!- d out of bed then airid tried to push "mi i '.'t of "' • room, l>ut '.• was a very small man, and .'<-:> just stood there and wondered wot li»; was doinr- Mrs. Weed and the baby both started screaming one against the other, and at last Dirk pushed ■ '-'i the window and called out for help. •They 'ad the, neighbors In then, and the trouble th«y '" •i •■ "" l Job downstairs wouldn't i.. bo li«v«d. J'rs, Pottle went for 'la v. if.- at last, and then J<j!> went 'ome with 'er like a lamb, asking •. r v.liere she'd been all the evening, and faying 'ed lx-»-n l"<.k!ng fur 'er everywhere. ;*Tbere was such a to-do about it In the village next morning that Job Brown v.-as fairly scared. All the wlmnaen waa out at their doors talking about it i: 'id Baying wot a shame It was and 'ow Filly Mrs. Weed was to put up with It. Then old Mrs. Gumin, '•!" Brandmotherj who was »*'J?hty-elght years old. stood outside Job's 'oii6e nearly all day shaking '• •- «**<* at '"'• and during "'■ '''» to come out. Wot with Mrs. (Jumm and tho 'ittl« (crowd watching 'a* uJI da V an<l Giving *er jjood advice, which she wouldn't take. Job was &£r«dd to show '!» no— OUtSldO UN -doob NEW- YORK DAILY TRIBUNE. SUNDAY. DECE^fBER 16, 100 ft "He wasn't like hlsself that night up at «he Cau liflower. 'B sat up in the corner and wouldn't take any notice of anybody, and. It was easy to see as ho was thoroughly ashamod of hlsself. " 'Cheer up. Job,' bcs Bill Chambers, at last; •you ain't the fust man as has made a fool of hls self.' " 'Mind your own business,' ees Job Brown, 'and I'll mind mine.' " 'Why don't you leave 'im alone, Bill?' pcs Hen ery 'White; 'you can see the man ls worried be- CMM the baby can't talk.' " 'Oh!' ses Bill, 'I thought *c was worried be cause 'Is wife could.' "All the chaps, except Job, that 13. laughod at that; but Job 'c got up and punched the table, end asked whether there was anybody ag would like to go outside with him for five minutes. Then 'c sat down again and paid *ard things acln the drink which 'ad made 'im the larflng Btock of all the fools In Claybury. " 'I'm going to give It up. Smith,' -he sea. " 'Yes, I know you are,' ses Smith. " 'If I could on'y lose the taste of It for a time I could give It up,' ses Job. wiping 'is mouth, 'and to prove I'm In earnest I'll glvo five pounds to any body asH prevent me tasting intoxicating likcra for a month.' " 'You may as well savo your breath to bid peo ple "good night" with. Job/ pcs 15111 Chambers; 'you wouldn't pay up if anybody did keep you off It.' "Job swore honor bright ho would, but nobody believed 'lm, and at last ho called for pen and Ink and wrote it all down on a sheet o' paper and signed it. and then ho got two other chaps to sign it as witnesses. "Bill Chambers wasn't satisfied then. He pointed out that earning the five pounds and then getting It out o' Job Brown orterwarda was two such en tirely different things that there was no likeness between 'em at all. Then Job Brown cot bo mad 'c didn't know wot 'c was doing, and 'o 'anded over fivo pounds to Smith, the landlord, and wrote on the paper that he was to give It to anybody who should earn it. without consulting 'Im at all. Even Bill couldn't think of anything to say agin that, but he made a point of biting all the sovereigns. "There waa quite a excitement for a few days. Henery White 'c got a 'eadacho with thinking, and Jon Gubblns *c got it 'eadache for drinking Job Brown's beer agin. There was all sorts o" wild ways mentioned to earn that five pounds, but they didn't come to anything. "Arter a week had gone by Job Brown began to get restless like, and once or twico 'o saM In Smith's hearing 'ow useful five pounds would be. Smith didn't take any notice, and at last Job told 'im there didn't seem any likelihood of the five pounds being earned, and he wanted It to buy pigs with. The way 'c wont ■ ■■ when Smith said 'o 'adn't got the power to give it back, and \ d got to keep it in trust for anybody as might earn it was disgraceful, "He used to ask Smith for it every night, and Smith used to give Mm the same answer, until at last Job Brown Bald he'd go an' see a lawyer about it. That frightened Smith a bit. and I b'lieve he'd ha* 'anded It over, buc two days arterwarda Job was going upstairs so careful that he fell down to the bottom anu broko 'is leg. "It was broken In two places, and the doctor said it would be a long job, owing to 'is drinking habits, and 'c gave Mrs. Brown strict orders that Job wasn't to 'aye a drop of anything, even if 'c asked for It. "There was a lot o' talk about it up at the Cauli flower 'ere, and Henery White, arter a bad 'eadache, thought of a plan by which 'c and Bill Chambers could 'me that live pounds atween 'em. The Idea was that Bill Chambers was to go with Hei cry to see Job, and take 'im a bottle of beer, and jist as Job was going to drink it Henery should knock it out of 'Is 'ands, at the same time telling Bill Cham bers 'c ought to be ashamed of hlsself. "It was a good idea, and, as Henery White said. If Mrs. Brown was in the room so much the better as she'd be a witness. Ho made Bill swear to keep it secret for fear of other chaps doing it arter wards, and then they bought a bottle o' beer and 6et off up the road to Job's. The annoying part of It was, arter all their trouble and Henery "White's ■eadache, Mrs. Brown wouldn't let 'em In. "They begged and prayed of 'er to let 'em go up and just 'aye a peep at 'lm, but she wouldn't. She said she'd go ■patalra and peep for 'em, and she came down again and said that 'c was a little bit flushed, but sleeping like a lamb. "They went round the corner and drank the ale Up, and Bill Chambers isaid it was a good job. Henery thought '•' was clever, because nobody else did. As for 'Is 'eadachep, he put 'em down to over eating. "Several other chaps called to see Job, but none of them was allowed to go up, and for seven weeks HE WOULDN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT. Tenant — Look here, landlord, the whole of our house wall hos bulged out on one side about tw; foot ! Landlord — My doar sir, make yourself quite eaay. I know, of course, it renders the house that much larger, but don't you worry — I shan't raise tho rent! Senator Tillman's favorite form of recreation. — Seattle Post-Intellißencer. that unfortunate man never touched a drop of anything. The doctor tried to persuade Mm now that 'c 'ad got tha start to keep it, and 'c likewise pointed out that aa 'c had been without liquor for over a. month, he could go and. get that five pounds back out o" Smith. "Job promised that 'c would give It up; but the first day 'c felt able to crawl on 'is crutches he made up 'is mind to go up to the Cauliflower and see whether gin and beer tasted as good as it used to. The only thing was 'is wife might stop Mm. " 'You're done up with nursing me, old gal,' he ses to Ms wiie. " 1 am a bit tired,' sea she. "'I could see it by your eyes,' sea Job. 'What you want ls a change, Polly. Why not go and see your sister at Wlckham?' " "I don't like leaving- you alone,' ses Mrs. Brown, 'else I'd like to go. I want to do a little shopping.' " 'You go, my dear,' ses Job. 'I shall be quite 'appy sitting at the gate in the sun with a glass o* milk an' a pipe.' "He persuaded 'er at last, and, in a fit o' gener osity, gave 'or three shillings to go shopping with, and as soon as she was out o' sight he went off with a crutch and a stick, smiling all over Ms face. He met Dick Weed in the road and they shook "ands quito friendly, and Job asked Mm to 'aye a drink. Then Henery White and some more chapa came, aiong, and by the time they got to the Cauli flower they was as merry a party as you'd wlsn, to see." "Every man 'ad a pint o' beer, which Job paid for, not forgetting Smith Msself, and Job closed Ms eyes with pleasure as 'c took Ms. Then they began to talk about Ms accident, and Job showed 'em Ms leg and described wot it felt like to be a teetotaler for seven weeks. " 'And I'll trouble you for that five pounds. Smith,' "c ses, smiling. 'I've been without any thing stronger than milk for seven weeks. I never thought when I wrote that paper I waa going to earn my own money.' " 'None of us did, Job,' ses Smith. 'D'yo think that leg'll be all right agin? As good a3 the other, I mean?' " 'Doctor sea so, 1 ses Job. " It's wonderful wot they can do nowadays,' sea Smith, shaking Ms 'cad. " "Straordinary. 1 ses Job; 'Where's that fiva pounds, Smith?' " 'You don't want to put any sudden weight or anything like that on it for a time. Job.' ses Smith; "don't get struggling or fighting, whatever you do. Job.' " "Taint bo likely,' sos Job; 'd'ye think I'm a fool? Whero'a that five pounds. Smith?' " 'AJh, yes,' ses Smith, looking as though '• "d just remembered something. 'I witnted to tell you about that* to see if I've done right. I'm glad you've come in.' " Th." sea .lob Brown, staring at Mm. " 'lias your wife gone shopping to-dayf sea Smith, looking at Mm very solemn. "Job Brown put Ms mu^ down on the table and turned as pale as ashes. Then 'c got up and limped over to the bar. " •Wot i'yer lr-oan"' he ses, choking. " 'Sho said she thought o' doing t=o," sea Smith. wiping a Klrtss; 'she came in yesterday and asked for that five pounds she'd won. Tho doctor camo In with 'er and said she'd kept you from licker for seven weeks, let alono a month; so, according to the papers I 'ad t0 f-' ive il '" 'er. I 'ope I done ris-'ht. Jo! ' •Job didn't answer Mm a word, good or bad. He Just turned 'Is back on im, and. picking up Ms crutch and 'is stick, 'obhled off 'ome. Henery White tried to make 'im stop and 'aye another pint, THE MUSICAL AMATEUR. Robinson (after listening to a really brilliant performance) — Now give us something soothing — "Stop yer ticklin', Jock," cr "She's ma daisy. Tbs TmUa*. DOMESTIC HAPPENINGS. "Nurse! Quick, quick! I think the kettle* going to be eiok»" Mr. Carnegie to the President: "And to think we raised liim-from a.pup, too." — Toledo Blade* PRESIDENT ROOSEVELT HAS ILLUSTRATED HIS COMING MESSAGE TO CONGRESS. The American cartoonist welcomes him to the craft. There wilf be no trouble-finding somo thing to do for ex-President Roosevelt. but 'c -wouldn't. He said 'c didn't want M* wife to find Mm away from "ome ■when she returned." A FAMOUS RETREAT. Th« late General Schofleld was once describing in Washington a certain retreat of cavalry. "I call It a retreat," he »aM. "but I should really call it a rout." He smiled. "In this retreat," he went on, "the commanding general, as his charger tor* like the wind along, turned to an aid who galloped beside him, and said: " 'Who are our rear guard?' "The aid, without ceasing for an Instant to belabor his panting steed, replied: " 'Those who have the worst horses, sir.' " HALF AND HALF. She — How many men owe their success in life to their wTves! He — Yes; and how many more men owe their wives to thoir successes in life! —Illustrated Bits. A DARWINIAN. "Yesterday I was looking up my ancestral tree" •'Did they throw «i\y nutaJ~ IN THE RUB3ER COILS. Scene: The-Congo- "Free" State. HOW TO TRAIN A WIFE. In th« matter of Christmas shopping: Go with her. Your superior knowledge of business wilt do invaluable. You will be able to makt *usa> that ate. 1* not "unpo«e<l mjjoo.'* . 8