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THE WOMAN FROM MARS ' What She Found Worthy of Notice on Earth Visit. 1 have been on earth only a little while, but I «m so much afraid 1 am ginning already to of fend so many people by laughing at your funny ■ways. If husband read to me out of ■ newspaper the other day what ho calk a leading article. TVhen I asked him what was the good of it. he .■-...'1 ■bat is as written to educate the people to a sense *»f their pel Heal responsibility. And then 1 asked him to read a leading article .OVI of another paper, and he said he would do i > to please me. And 1 am really telling you the truth when I say that the second paper's views were quite opposite to thoso of the first. l do not like to laugh -when my husband is by, because it harts hi? feeJings so much, and in Mars we do net be ..liev*! in hurting those who are inferior to us. But it <iid really s-ef-m to me so funny that two people should set out to educate other people, and that one should say that a thins was black and the other should say the same thing was white, In Mars we never let people educate other people till ih*y have first of all agreed to teach the same thins. After all. only one statement can be true, as far as I understand it. Of course, i:i Mars we don't have these funny j sheets of paper with what you call "news" printed on it. Everybody has a sort of pocket receiver, and If you art; passing the news ■« you just call in and have your receiver charged ur» with all the ler.-~! sewn and th'en as you walk along the street or sit under the trees you put the receiver to your ear. and it tells you everything. Of course, at times there is no news at all; but I see It is dif ferent here on earth, as there ■ . . sis to be always something haj->r'«':!ir.?. On the other hand, when we Have really oxoitir.g news in Mars it is scattered over" every city by ■ series of megaphones placed ■""itt'"tn«" street corners. Th»- megaphones are con - rrou>d from one central office, iind everybody feels obliged to listen, e-specially as everybody has a »vox^ on 4-arth, as far as I can make it out. a man may have a vote and still decline to be "educated" tiy "the newspapers or any other agency. If he can not rfad— and in Mars a number of educaU-d ■■>- "" pie "cannot r«aa— ho lias nobody to educate him ex ».,,--. man who comes down to ask for votes. I ii, .■ m>te-lf it is frightfully amusing, as. of <-ours<\ the uneducated man can only hoar on side of the question in this way; and in Mars we i hould put. a' man in a lunatic asylum wlio wanted to vote Mith only a flimsy basis of knowledge liko that. * "'Another thing that amu**g me very much on earth .- tlie way the pupors t>ll the public that 'from -time to time th«>r«* aro so many people who . ht> - not «mkj-ukli fix»d to *>:<t. Instead of going out -i»u<i votinp f'X>d at once for tlie hungry ones, t.ie papers Sj>e;;ci all tlifir time in quarrollins: with ej»Mi otho;- «s to whnsc fault it is that there ar-> so many hungry people." I? i* very funny— at least, jjoin*-tiTTK-s I "hirik It it not perhaps quite so funny aTtt-r all. In Mars if a man hasn't got enough food I •■ rax he com<s down t>> th»> central government ' offlc.' and explains why. <>r. if be can't explain. t) • government office finds out. 1 don't know how it is THE SPORTING INSTINCT — \j r^m . »_ au'.Tn a in*. -»•' P*co>* uk *n« luruToiau wairHlne a figM M*w*«K Jaikr •en'« buildoc *•*«• **** t*«**U» ♦•-•«-« *>»* M«tre. "!C* can D*opt« taica an wurwi j*> *ugj> uunos. 13 r. '■'•<• iwm Me&kin— l dunno. sir, I'm curt. Which dog won? — Tn»T*u«. on earth, but in Mars a man can earn a good deal more food than he needs with a couple of hours' work a day. as it is so easy there to earn food. When I talk to my husband on these matters he tells me 1 don't understand, and I suppose it must be so. For instance, we were out the other day. and I saw a large fat man get out of a carriage and walk along the street as if he were the king of kings. In Mars when people get fat and ugly like that we do not let them walk In the principal streets, as we consider they are setting a bad ex ample to the younger people by setting up a dis eased condition as a thing to be honored. Bui my husband told me that the fat man was a duke, and people all made room for him because he did not have to work the same as others did. 1 have not bee.i able yet to quite understand what a duke is; but my husband told me that this duke can eat all the food he wants without any trouble at all. I said if that was the case I thought be ought to go and get food for all the people who are hungry; but my husband only laughed at that and said that this was a free world, and if a man didn't want to give any of his surplus to anybody else it would be wrong to make him do so. I told him that such a thing could hardly happen in Mats, though if it did the hungry people would of course go and take what food they wanted from him. My husband said that was a very wicked thing to-do. So it is clear he must be right when he says I don't understand. My husband said the rights of property were sacred, and I think he meant that if 1 have got a lot of food to waste rather than give It away it would *"• wicked far" people to make me do other wise. So I said I Vupposed that if the duke lived on this island of Britain, and owned all the food in the place, and there were millions of other people on the island who were all hungry, he would be quite right In letting them starve if he thought lit ti> do so. and that it would be very wrong of the hungry people to object to starve, especially if the duke had inherited the island from his father. My husband said, however, that I was talking? nonsense, as in that case the millions would be fools if they allowed themselves and their chil dren to starve under the circumstances. So it is very evident I don't understand. The rights of property are sacred as long as the prop erty is divided up among several .people. But as soon as all the property is acquired by one man. who refuses to give any of it up. the sacredness disappears. In Mars the things that are sacred with us are sacred all the time; but on earth it seems to be bo different. If one man who has nothing steals from several men who have too much, he Is guilty of sin; but if everybody has nothing and one man has everything, it is the one man wlin has everything who is committing th" sin, ! and he Is made to answer for It very promptly. In Mars we have no such thing as sin. and I think my people should l*' rather glad, as it seems a very worrying thing to understand. — Plck-Me-Up. CLASSIFIED. A visitor to one of the stately ancestral homes of Virginia, who was being shown about by an old colored retainer, paused before a painting. "Exquisite!" he exclaimed, rapturously. "That must :■■>' an old master." Vim.. N. ■!.«•■ shook his head. "No, suh," he re plied, taln't ole marster. fiat's ole Mlstis Ar sons'—Youth's Companion. NEW-YORK DAILY TRIBUNE, • SUNDAY. JANUARY^ 12, 1908. THE G.RL WHO DOES NOT HAVE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF^LEAP JEAR.^ ARCHIE ROOSEFELTS TIP. Mow Sherlock Holmes Found Hi* Gladiatorial Shield. The Secret Service men who have to look after him in Washington may not be delighted that Archibald Roosevelt has reached the age when he take.s an interest in girls, but the cler ical force at the White House is certainly not displeased that something has taken the place of their department as the scene of his ac tivities. The older clerks will never forget Archie, no matter what Presidents tome and go. When he first came to the White House h? and his brother Kermit were at the. mock gladiatorial age. They armed themscUes with tin garbage can covers for shields, with wooden swords and Oriental daggers, and pranced about the White House playfully holding up all whom they en countered, regardless of rank or degree. There were intricate rules to the gam^ which the two boys carefully taught to each victim. One of the rules provided that if any of the clerks captured one of the youngster's shields the lad must pay a ransom for its return. •I want my shield." Archie demanded one day of a clerk who had hidden it from him. "How much must I pay you for it?" "I do not want your money for it," said the clerk. "You cannot buy it." "I must have my shield." said Archie, with decision. "Wont you tell me how I am to gtt It?" "Really, Mr. Roosevelt." said the clerk, in mock pompous tones. I don't see how you are going to get your shield unless you ask Mr. Sherlock Holmes to help you. Do you know htm"" "Oh. yes. I know Sherlock," said Archie, quite relieved. Gathering up the implements of war fare which yet remained to him, he took his de parture. He was back again in five minutes. "How do you do. Mr. Sherlock Holmes?" he said, with dignity. It was a minute before the clerk remembered his new role. "A bad man has stolen my shield. Mr. Sher lock Holmes," continued the President's son. "I want you to tell me where it is." The clerk took the most improved Sherlockian attitude and spent a minute in deep study. "What manner of shield was this?" he asked. '•It was a round, shiny shield," said Archie, de scribing the garbage can cover, "with a handle on it bo that I can hold it up before me when I fight." , "Well, 1 think we can get at the bottom of this strange crime," said the clerk. "Suppose you pull your chair up here and we'll do some diagram work." The lad drew his chair close to the desk and watched the diagram grow. "Why. this is the 1 second floor- of our house." he excl«lnied after a moment, "and this is the Cabinet room, and this Mr. Cortelyou's, and this is where we are now." "You arc right. Mr Roosevelt," said Sherlock Holmes. "This is the second floor of the White House, and this dot represents where, we are at present.'* "Yes. sir." nodded Archie; "that dot shows where we are." "I am drawing a line from this dot. You must follow it with the utmost care, in and out, ■wherever it goes. It will finally bring you to your garbage can lid." "You mean my shield," protested Archie stiffly. "Certainly — bog pardon, your shield." After studying the intricate diagram for a minute Archie asked: "And why, Mr. Holmes. don't you tell mo just where it is af once, ami let me go and get it ." "Because." said the clerk with disdain, "If I did that I wouldn't bo Mr. Sherlock Holmes" "Oh-h," said Archie, feeling that he bad blun dered. Then he began the long hunt. In and out, back and forth, around and about, he trotted, faithfully following the eccentric line on the paper. Twice he went around Mr. Cortelyou's desk at a mail gallop, and when asked what he was up to cried back over his shoulder: "Hist! I'm following the orders of Sherlock Holmes." It wn<f a panting An nibald who finally trudged back to the room from which lie l id started. He marched tt < • a dour that stood ijar Just back of the clerk's de.-k. and pulled out hia shield. He had known it was* there all Hit time, but it would have ruinocl the cr-un-- t<> have fot>n;] it at once. DINING WITH A MAX. He Atk* What You'd like and Orders What He Wants. "This is absolutely the last time I'm going to have any ideas about a dinner." said the girl who hail Just returned from a dinner with the man .she knew best. "Or at least. If *I have any. I'm going to save them up until I dint* alone or with roma of my girl friends. Didn't I have a good meal? Oh, yes, delicious; but I was almost too irritated to eat it. I pet fussed up tike that every time I go out to eat with a man, and now I've made it a rule, to say 'l don't care' when a man asks me what the menu shall be. "You see, the men ask me to choose a dinner to please myself, and when I really try to do that they et once suggest that I have something else. They don't want me to pick out what I really want; but they want to have me want what they want me to want. Thai ui*.v toumi • iuti» im> iu>:- ■' xmt '•* • r.» trail. "For Instance, to-day Tec r,sK*n mej to order me •oup. 1 declared for mock turtle, because I'm very fond of it. He frowned, looked over the menu card and then said: " 'I don't see what you want such a heavy soup for. I expect to give you something to tat besides soup, you know.' " Well, I like it the best. 1 1 said, in defence. •'He paid no attention to me. 'Let's have a cream celery soup.' he said, and straightway ordered it •l next declared for finnan haddle, for it's just the season for il: but he discarded my suggestion and ordered salmon, l wanted vegetable salad. for I think it's the only one to have with a dinner: but "They make excellent nut salads here," he said; •wed better try one ' 1 sighed, anil he ordered the But salad. 1 wanted a good oM-fashi-med cup of tea. 1 don't always care for it. but I felt tea thirsty. He laughed, said T was getting to be an old maid, and then remarked, patr-ipizingiy: "'Oh. 1 gu'ss you don't want any lea. loot's have a coffee percolator and make our own coffee on the table." L acquiesced wearily, for I've been using a coffee percolator every Sunday evening for tw. months and I'm a little tired of it. "And so we went on from one thing to another. I was for English mutton chops, but he cracked up tiie particular brand of steak of that restaurant and ordered it. I suggested German fried pota toes, for, somehow, you get those better at a res taurant than you can ever make then at home. but he said firmly that 'potatoes ati gratin" would be better. I wanted olives stuffed with celery, but he said such a dinner absolutely demanded stuffed red peppers. For dessert I came out boldly and said 1 simply must have a « afe parfait. He brushed aside my preference with the remark, "I don't see how you can eat that on top of that dinner. Better have just toasted crackers and cheese.' And we had it. "Xow, I'm not objecting to the things he chose, and the dinner was really very excellent, but why did he ask me to make a choice if he was going to pay no attention to it. When we first sat down and began to discuss whether we'd have a ccurse dinner or not 1 made a plea for a beefsteak casserole and nothing else. I didn't feel any in clination to wade through a course dinner. But he acted as if i were insane. It didn't prevent him from asking me at every point what I would have, however, although he invariably pushed aside my suggestions. Xow, if he didn't want to have me have what I wanted why didn't he go ahead with out consulting me? Was It becaus. • he wanted to show off his superiority, or did he think it was manners to ask my opinion? "Well, at any rate, the :i"xt time we go out Pm suing to *it there like a hump on a log, and every time he asks me what I'll have I shall i>ipe up meekly, t don't care.' That'll shvo bm Ibe bother of looking over the menu card and will also prevent me from becoming irritated through see ing him coolly ignoring my suggestions." MA UK TWAIN'S SNAPPER. Shozcing Hoic Important Little Thing* Sometime* Are. At an entertainment given for the benefit of the seamen on board the steamer Kaiser WHhelm 11., on her voyage from Now York t>. Genoa, Mark Twain was called upon fur an address. On being introduced he rose and in his peculiar manner and tone of voice said: "My friends, I see that my nam- i* op. the pro gramme for an address. As tiii;; was dom 'without consulting me, I shall give you an anecdote in its place. Now. you know, there are anecdotes and anecdotes, Short metre and long metre. l >h.tll j;iw you a long metre, one with a snapper at the end. "It is about a Scotch-Irish minister who thought i:e was called to preach the Gospel, n,. knew tbat he hud tile gift of oratory and he never missed an opportunity to display it. An opportunity was af forded on the occasion of a christening. Tin-re was considerable audience, made up of relatives, friends and neighbors of the parents. The preacher b.gan by saying: " 'We have met together, my friends, on a very Interesting occasion— the christening <•( this little child. Hut 1 SL-e already a look of disappointment oti your fries, v it because the infant is so small? We must bear m mind that this globe upon which we live is made up of small things. Infinitesimal objects, one might say. Little drops of water make the mighty ocean; the mountains which rear their hoary heads toward heaven and are ofter. lost in tin- clouds are made ;;p of little grains of sand. •• 'Besides, my friends, we must take into con sideration '!•.•■ possibilities in the life of this little speck of humanity. He may become a great preach er, multitudes may be swayed by his eloquence and be brought to see and believe in the truths of the tSosptA. He may become a distinguished physician, and his fame as a healer oi men may reach the uttermost parts of the earth and h's name g'> down tn posterity as one of ti:e at benefactors of v iis kind, lie .nay become a great astronomer and may read the heavens ;;s an open hook, li.> may discover new staca and bis name be coupled with those of Newt in and other great discoverers. lie may become a distinguished statesman and orator, and by* the strength of his httellei ■ td eloquent c h< may control the destinies of nation.-; and bis name be engraved upon monuments erect ed to perpetuate his memory by hi-; admiring and grateful tountrym«! HEe stay become an .■ utinn and a poet and liis name may yet appear among tliost- now entombed at West minster. He may be - come a great soldier and lead armies to battle and victory; his prowess and valor may change ti.. map hi" Europe. kfethinks ; beat tin- plaudits of tin people at the mention >.f bis deeds and name He may become ■• «■ he might cr 1 (turning to the mother) 'What Is bis name? mother, eery much bewildered, 'What id the baby's name?* " 'Yes; what in his name." ■; he mother: it.-, name Is Mary Ann.' " Tit- Bits. ONE WAY. Husband—] don't know how much of an allow ance to give you next real . Wife— i'ou know how much -ou can afford, don't you? Husband— Why, yes. Wife— Then give me as much more as you can spare. —Illustrated Bits. SAME THING. !£L-nie- -They say he is wedded tt> his art. ic-.he!- But he has it wife. Would you call her nrtf Ernie— l suppose so. She's painted.— lllustrated Bits.