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.-. Togo at Last Learns Who Owns Alaska TV £ditor Trilnme. Who |v> Not 1>- How in Conservation .if Practised by All this? tvoek-time n;e «<C- Cousin Nnjri lias been tryinr t«» debut im<» that IJal linsTPr-Pinch^t invcstif3iti«n^ lim nc.th inir t.» do. All day l<>n?r them Senators. l^and-« »fficcrF and Cunninsrheims has been goinc in &- outwards without notic ing -us, except to walk on our toes. It Vwis very' discouraged for us. How could w save America from that "Land Thicv «-rv if n»»»HxJv would allow us inside to talk t«» Senator Nelson? Pretty soon'y wo soon a lonesome Statesman approaching. He had the palilimr air *»f one who knew Hie Secrets of the Universe and had even had lunch with the directors of the N. Y. Central. I approached up t<> him. "Please. Hon. Mr., ye ;ir ,. Japanese sch.«>!matcs wishing: :.. lcam the dis gu^tinsr truth about Alaska. Hon. Statesman look at us with chilled apjuanrn -o of nv. influenza: "Are you crary?" he require with ice. "VCf might bo. if convenient to you." report me & Nogi. **Then come inside with the rest of us." negotiate he. and nextiy we knew we TRas-ssetting in the middle of everybody looking like we could tell a scandal at any minute. Qifosrtion l>ef«.re this important Inves tigation when we entered in was "Who Owns Alask;!?" Nobody seemed siffi ciently prejiared to answer this impor tant problem. HOn. L. K. Glavis was setting in the prisoners chair looking like a Insur gent beihg'shot. |^S? Prisoner." say Hon. Senator Nel- F--ir; with cross expression of an cxami- are in-- present owner, or owji«rs of- Alaska?" Hon. Glavis think thoughtfully for a slight time. "Alaska." he say at lastly, "was pur chased from Russia by the U. S. in ISC.7. Since thfti it ha? changed hands so rap idly that it has been hard to keep track. Originally it was sold for ST^iOO.OOQ. E-.-frj- time it has changed hands it has l«een worth a little more." "lical estate is always that way." enuggest Senator Flint, with experienced eyebrows peculiar to Loc Angeios. *^What are tho principa} products of this interesting Territory?" require Con gressman McGall, not l»t?cause he loves Murdock Ices, but because iie loves Can non more. '^Coa!. wood :ind kindling," rejoini PHOJiOGRAPHICTYFE r "All rs^h:. Kd;rar." meekly replied Irad j ■» cis-",T-.'iai«'h- fumbling with his beard. ; Bfi "'•''"'•usiM Freeman will he expectir.s iwe." j "While this was theoretically true, ho could j ]? nave'adced that his arrival would delectate ! Freeniari none. In lact, it was becoming a j sharp question with Irnd a? to where he cauld lind more Thar: a transient •welcome. "You'i! hiiv* many a lone evening to set j imd chat with him."' maliciously reminded j Edjrsr. u - ho :::!•: rmw:i j^eevish over his j relative's ret>eated;Y postponed departure, i "I <-ar. see you two - chinning away by the | kitchen stove like ttro brothers. Mebbe, j h^*il reau to you." Irad's aced eyes sparkled suddenly, and after jiau^inr l^uz enough to control his . voic\ h»- gently corrected: "TVe'H read ; from th<> same book, you mean. He's | xcirfity keen over the preposition.? "What prorw>f:3tio:i j,f you t&ikinjr about?" asked ndsrar. shortly. l<«>kiriK at h:«= -watch. "freeman ain't no reader." "i— J. ka*i .reference to my— ahem! — to my j. photsopraphic type books." explained Irad. i lonkiTur from the wrndo-pr at the tops of ; Lfai distant hills. "It will revolutionize 1 »«K)k making and all printing, a? yon -weil j know-. Man has always been hampered by ' speech. Tou try :o describe a beantiful j sunset fir »-yoke or !ik»iy -steers and -you \ can only ?ay: "Handsome ns a piefcer." TTieaninp the scenerj ; <>r. '15<>=t I ever seen,* ' meaning the st«ers. It's pi :;bout any- < zhivs :-o-j try 10 describe^ you're Ions: <in ;c A REVISED VERSION. Old Mot aboard ..• , Went to the cupboard To get her poor dog » hone; Sut the cupboard wa» bJ«"«, For th* don bad been there. That's v/hy the grub Had *!! gone. .... Uiti. Tt?£jAPAW£2£ Schoolboy » N Washington cv H^S»lMO^ TOGO ( Wallace »*wti») ) Drawings by ma Cousin NOOI ( IK£ Mohoah ) Hon. Glavis. "Looking carelessly: along the map of Alaska the student will «.!. serve a Ion;:, .dark row of smut. This is coal. There i. c siflicient coal in this de jwsit to blacken the Land Office for a thousand years. If properly burned it ouprth to keep America warm from now till Bryan quits? running." "It will scorch the present Administra tion very nicely fur some time to com<\" Sgest a. military Insurgent from Wis consin. "Who. then, is your estimate to be the present owner of Alaska?" required Hon. >.elson. "It belonsrs to the Cunninirheim fam ily." berate Hon. Glavis. "But they are unable to use it until it is released by the courts. This is great hardship for them." "Arc you acquainted with the Green Group??' This from Hon. MeCall. "1 am." narrate Hon. Glavis. "and I think they call themselves the Green Group .for -the .purpose of appearing de ceptive. N<> Green group would do what they done." "When nrst did you sec a Cunnin^heim eloping away with the goods?" require I^i on. Flint. "It was on July 4. 190G," divest Hon. Glavis. "By early darkness I seen him leaving Alaska with a wagron load of Loal. I was setting by the roadside reading Rex Beach at the time, so as to acquaint myself with Alaskan condi tions. When he seen me this mysterious Man with the Wa;nn pulled his whiskers over his cars find sans a careless sonc." "How did you know that the wapron contained coal?" requesh Hon. Kelson. "By its guilty expression." pop back Hon. Glavis. "So I holla loudly. 'Halt: Who poes there?' "A Republican," re port him walking away gumshbefully. "How far do you intend to pn with such lawless operations?' I required peevly. 'I can go as far as- I like — this is a Presi dential year.' retaliate that Predatory Person. evaporating into the forest. I made up my mind that man was crooked." "Did yon ask his name?" This from Hon. iladisen (Insurgent). "Why was it necessary? By his cun ning ways 1 could see he was a Cun ningham." "When you seen the h'>rriJ truth and reported same to Sec. Balling^-r, what did he say back to you?" "He say. 'Act quickly, but with quiet ness & tact.' " "Did you act with quietness & tact?" ■?sl,- thai miTiTV- P.-inimiti^t. THE INVENTIONS OF IRAD BIGLOW— by HUGH PENDEXTER THESE FRENCHMEN! Host (explaining the meaning of his go den wedding celebration to French guest) — Yes. we have lived together now for fifty years. Guest— Ah. charmant! Admirable! And now you marry her, eh? —Trw Hyatandfr. tho:iKht« ami fchort on descriptions. So Js every onv. Km when you opf>n a Look printed in my phonographic type it's all changed. The second the mental <urr*nt from tl>- eye strikes the printed pa*;.; tho word« beds to tnak- harmonic Founds and dVs«erjbe what you're reading about and" "Of al! the ehnon pure bo»h"'- - began Edgar, his eyes bulging. "Xot ixjiJi, but science." insisted Irad. •'I >«-n.-itiz«- the type, or. as Freeman Kay?, mesmerize it co if you're reading about a >ia:n* you instantly; hear the popping of guns and the I>oohi of the cannon and tht pattter of retreating ff-«it. itHi a ero^ I*.* Iwcrn iisj-fhological and phona- i*fjie. I' "What in all prit om Mi 'vi»« m^n?" ! AT THE LECTURE .^'^W'i-A, iJ^ri'V^l'S'— The Unbeliever-| 6 there a Christian .*»«.; U U.-AJti! -tnu-.vta.-«.r-ja«oi.-.. < p,tl : Scimrist present? I should like to change you read the srords you hear the soft dro/>. 1 places; I'm sitting in <. draft. Crvi< of tiia raiu and thti nrcct . ._.. <jX . — TUe Tatia. , NEW-YORK DAILY TRIBUNE, SUNDAY. FEBRUAR T 20, r 1910. "Scarcely a =team-boat departed for Seattle but what it earned with it a valuable portion of Alaska which had been sawed off by some Private Interest." "I did." report Hon. Glavis. "I acted ] like a Roosevelt Policy." "No wonder you was fired." dib Hon. ; Fletcher of Fla. Loud scratching by all ... .... i ent. "Soonly," continue 01 this Glavis boy, "things went from bad to more worser. i Scarcely a steamboat departed for Se- : attl*- but what it carried with it a alu able portion of Alaska which had been j sawed off by some Private Interest. The . j Cunningheims increased like a Mormon I family. At lastly, madQened by the | spectacle. I sent following wireless tele- ; sram'w-Hon! Taft: • A BIT OF WELL MEANT ADVICE. "You don't know when you're K'ell off, madame, or you wouldn't want to adopt this brat." — The Spokane .^poke'iimn-Keview ... and thi . .- • ■ ■ E ■ ■ ■ - to Freema me to 'Shaii I book on the destruction of | Hon. Glavis with neariy sobbing. "I am a with resignation? a patient man, but one thing I cannot GJavis." endure is insubordination on the part of A: use by quick reply: my superiors." ■ resignation is yours. Hand it in. go H>n Glavip waa ,1, lf > rmi r t ed to rest his nerves while Hon. Committee ad • -Dul you not do wrongly to ihusly journed out side fur slight lunch and ■■-•" tn« Secretai drinks. When they arrived back i aterior?" n .., iu!(] observe hy their- worried ears that "Perhapsly," conniv* 801 s with th( _. h . u] n<i , t < SKtlttd lhe irritated sad peev. "If 1 had shot lower I might queslion .. Who Owns Alaska?" Sena •t something." Ujr uoiiiver, when led to the witness y did you en fired?" deport stand, supposed that nobody owned "■>"• :<tm. Alaska to-day, but that it was only a "Nothing elw - • tned companionable matter of time before it belonged to the with •■ - : positioi y Trusts like everything else. Hon. Giff money in if" "lx)ts of money? Ho! ho!" cried Irad, hunting for a pencil. "Take 10 cents a line. flat rate, for mesmerizing the type in newspapers. Wed put it on with a brush bo thin it wouldn't last more'n one read ing. The royalties from newspapers alone would be $i LOW, OOO for the lir.«t yefir. And that don't include advertising^ Just think of It! ■Bay Ring's Baked Weans,' reads a ■ad." And 11 speaks, loud and clear-like at the same second. Tlie minute you stop reading the type- stops talking. Now if you're ready" "What's your rush." demanded Edgaj "Ain't our food wholesome? The hoss is lame and I'm glad of it, if it keeps you here till to-morrer. Now you can't buiipe today, and that's fettled. How do you make this type act so?'' "All you do is to scratch a crease on each letter, using a diamond cutter and making a crease you can't see with the naked eye. Then you fill in the creases with my psycho-magnetic fluid, and when the type strikes (>»■:• it leave a trace of the phonic Quid, which one glance of th*» human eye will cans.' to evaporate into spoken words, strains of music and so forth. And there you be." And Irad smiled triumphantly. "But— Great Scot! How long does It take to scratch all them dinged type? 1 gasped "If a man's provided with a bisb grada diamond cutter, madf to order, guaranteed m hundred proof, ami providing the typ« is plastic by being treated in our specially constructs carbo-furnaee, carrying a relay of hires different kinds at Rases, I figure a titan ought to do on* type ii day— eUf- he's a skunk anil luatinc on hi 3 job." said Imd. ••1 1 that all?" whispered Kdpar, his face purple with Buppraeasd emotion. "Sure there ain't some billion-dollar, <»xtrv super mlcroscoplc sell MJjUKtlllg, lii.innind hilled pin Wheel tv he frtclird I:"" ••! s-.iun! ! did forpct the •! 11 ■■!<: dust to be um<?(l In lilliTis lrit diamond 1 utter after caoli type is scratched!" cried Irad. "Good Joke on me, en? We'd slag it oa with a low g< rj wheel" :ome ovei I ; ' evening you aaV 1 a reading bee," grhnly prom- ' Is . Edgar. THRIFTY MAYME. ! At last the boy has been found of boon j use to some one besides his mother. and \ father. Daysey Maymu Afjpieton recently put every cracked piece ■' bric-H-brae <:; j the house on the parlor piano ami table, | and invited a wealthy cousin to come and > visit her, and t'< bring: set seven-year old son. The boy was given a bean bap and a rubber ball as welcoming gifts, and m ' I WHEN TO STOP. Husband — How tiejht do you want it! Wife — When I say that I. can atand it no tighter, then ! want you to pull it in 1 another inch. I — ,_ — — . »-iiiui«*ita &U4. , ~— - — » — ■ Pinchot Busy Conserving Gall and Wormwood Pinchot. who was absent at a Y. M C. A. lecturing on "The Conservation of Gall and Wormwood in Our National Forests" could not bo present, so he wasn't. Hon. Frank Hitchock. General Pc«*t amnir was next witness to chat about his crimes. "Are you acquainted with the present Administration?" "I have been connected with it in a business way," say Hon. Hitchock. "Are you in sympathy with Hon. Giff Pinchot?" "Yes, in bis place." "Where is his place?" "Tall timber." "Are you a Conservationist?" "I am a Conservative Conservationist.** "What kind Is that?" "A Conservative Conservationist is one that believes Conservation is a kind of sacred suhjeck— too sacred to be shouted in public like, is now being done. To me Conservation should be considered only on Sunday morning in the privacy of the home when the servants are out walk ing and the family has gone to church." "What American resource should be most carefully conserved?" "The Magazines. By increasing the postage rate from It. to sc. a pound the P. O. Dept. hopes to make the magazines scarcer and thusly keep this valuable in dustry out of the hand? of Lawless In dividuals." "Are you familiar with the geology of Alaska?" 'Sifflcierttiy for my business. I know where, all the most valuable Postoffice Appointments are deposited." "Hon. Hitchcock, we have dragged you here to answer a very fragile Question. Who owns Alaska— can you answer this difficult reply?" "I can." (Delicious excitement by all present.) "Answer swiftly. Hon. Hitchcock— we are prepared for anything." "Alaska belongs to the Republican Party. It was g'ven to us in ISM as a Campaign Contribution." Thusly spoke Hon. Frank Hitchcock with voice full of calm blondness, while Senator Nelson adjourned that meeting for the day. Handshakes everywhere, because so much had been done in one afternoon. Hon. Clarance Mike Kelley, Insurgent Policeman who I met by sidewalk after ward, is quite discouraging about Hon. Glavis ever being Speaker in the House of Reps. He say. "Investigations don't change nothing— they only investigate. ASKING FOR IT. Teacher — Jimmie. correct this sentence: "Our teacher am m sight." Jimmie — Our te-».. her am a sight! — c'cii.ic CbU ' . ■'. : A WATER WASHING— (:-. "George, did you cut down my favorite anemone ; "Mother, i cannot tall a lie. I did it with my little sawfish." : •■ ■ • —The Tati«r. , encouraged 10 play Is th- house. In two . days he had smashed everything smashable 1 in the parlor and dining room, and the I cousin, being generous, insisted upon pay ; ing for all the "damage."- Atchison Globe, i A KILL-JOY. "We come sear lyncliin* the wrong: man | yisttd'y." said Chapparal Charlir; "jl-it u» I We wuz Koin' to nwinp him off. loo." •Ah!" exclaimed the Eastern tourist, "and then you discovered your mistake, «h? What lack!*' "Wuzn't it. tbeugb! Th« a>easl I ever new tell of/—T he Catholic Standard and Times. MOVING WITH CAUTION . Elmploye.r— Yon have an excellent cbaaec , to srr>* up with the hu*ln**s.«. voudjk man. and mtkt- something of y«urs«>lf; it's all up to you. Boy— like de iob alt nchi. mi* er. but i if you don't mind. I'd Just as lief ataj I »t de bottom. -You see, Mr, I'm ju»t a iituo When they get done you an tell th» In side apart from Hal Outside, just sara; as ever." "But them that are Out can butt in wards, can't they not?" I r»qu:re to know. "Yes. but them that are In do not car* to butt outwards. It takes two to creat" a vacancy. Did you ever hear the Joka lar poem of Hon. Hen. Longfellow. Charlie Fairbanks's famoti« cousin ?** "I didn't never." "It Is sung as followinc": "There was a young Insure" And he had a mighty urg<\ So he shouted and he fought and as jollied. For when you are Out You are very, very Out: But when you are in you ar*» SOLID 7* Hoping you are the same. Yours truly. HASHIMURA TOGO. (Copyright, 1010, by the Associated Lit erary Press.) HER PRIDE IS HUMBLED. The society reporters have hard time? ar every weddins. but it ■ bellied the rec ord in Atchison was marl' wh»n th<*- oldert fiauKhter of Lysander John Appleton cot married. She paraded the streets with th» younc man four year?; walked past th« store where he was employed twice a day for •»• • years, and burned oui two parlor stoves ping him warm. T\"hen she wa* asked for an announcement of her •»".?»«•» ment, she went _■■-•-_• up in th<» air in a manner that would make Paulban envious. She wore a diamond rine; e\-ery on" in town knew the yours man had bought it. and that he Still owed for It, bus. she denied an en^aeement until It wa? feared s>he would choke to death. One eveninc she and thf> young mar. and Daysey Mayme Applftnn and another scared look ing ma'" appeared at church and pranced up and down th« aisle?. It looked like* a rehearsal, and a reporter aza:r. approached for the announcement of the engagement. "We are measuring the aisles for a new church carpet." said the* girl with th« steady: "there is no engagement. We ar? not even thinking of BjetttßfJ married.** Th» next day the oldest Appleton girl got mar ried! But two years later she : - ■" her husband, and came home to Jive. brin?:!n; twins with her. and since then she has been so humble even ISM grocer"3 boy calls her by her first name.^Atchison Globe. THE SWEAR-OFF THAT STICKS. . "Have a cigar?" "Nope." "Have you decided that you would give up smoking?" "Nope; it was my wife that did the- " ciding."—Houston Post. ■ - - - - - .- - »r up.' — Bost-T Beraid HE KNEW. "Now. young people." said a professor of ; natural history to his clas.= — "now. then, as to hens. A h*n ha? the capacity of laying | six hundred pck.« and no more, and - "•* ! finishes Jn just about rive year?:. Now. ' what is to be rion» -with h*>r after that"" "Cut oaT her head and .*e!l her for a i sprmjr chicken :" exclaimed an urchin ; whose father dealt in ... .... — Tit-Blfc»- MR. BL!GG ! NS'S BASKETS. ■ BUM mu«t be a liberal provider. ** said th*- observant citizen. "He always takes two baskets to marker with him. ; Bui I wonder why one .basket J? s«* Uirze and the other so smal'?" "The larsce basket." r°piietf Miss Cay enne, "is to carry the money to mari't and the small one is to bring the provisions | back." — Washington Star. UNPROFESSIONAL. ..... ■ -» " n ' stable •*T«i a. plae.an.st. H« an) 1 EXPANSION. "So your wife is a suffragette?" •"Yes." answered Mr. Meektor.. "Why does she want to vote?" "I don't ihink Henrietta really tens M vote. She's merely tired at t;ilk.ipz W n» She wants a larger and more tuttHii,?ru audience."— Washineton Star. GOT HIS. "I'll admit I was trying to sret somrtMaS "I sot what I deserved."— Washington Hen OEFINED. BBS ■» of the South American re publics.—Puck. AN AWFUL MOMENT TWe Elephant—Gr«*t Scott: to |«NM .. _ ml** **•**•