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HOW MANY MILES DO YOU WALK AT LUNCH?
Bv ROBERT C. BENCHLEY 1-**HE process of eating has auffered from more complications than any other function on the human schedule. It has got to such a pass that an honest man cannot just simply sit down and eat. He must hang from the window lodge for twenty minutes after eating in order to grow thin, or he must recite a stanza of light verses before each mouthful in order to grow fat; he must figure out on his cufT the propor tion of carbohydrates to proteids in each waffle before putting syrup on. and must consult a chart of "Balanced Menus" to see if the meal he would like to eat will disintegrate his tissues. The basis of the whole agitation seems to be that exercise is an essential part of eating?that is. it is either essential that you should exercise dur? ing a meal or that you shouldnt. You can take your choice. From the old Roman who lay on a couch with his head fiush with the edge of the table and rolled the food into his mouth it is a long stride to the business man of to-day. who is in such a hurry that he has to take twice the time to get a quick lunch. Science has contributed tremendously to the facility of e.iting in these days, making it possible for a man to get less to eat with double the amount of applic<ation by going after his own food. But whatever the disadvantaj5.es of the self-service plan may be, it certainly fulfila all requirements with regard to exercise with, before or after meals. It has been estimated. no longer ago than three minutes and at this very desk, that the average man who eats his lunch in an automat or self-service establishment walks, during the course of his meal, a distance equal to three and one-quarter miles. or, in other "ONE SIDE, PLEASE." FOOD IN PATRON'S POSSESSIOKJ. O FOOD IN 8US-BOYS POSSESSI9M. -?- RUN THROUGH A BROKEW FIELD CAREFUL T.PTOEIS.G CARRVIWG LIQUIDS.-8US-BOYS 6AIMS. OOO SPILLED LIQUlDS. H< FOOD TAKEN BY BUS BOY OU DOWUS WOlda, he walks three and one-quarter miles. A glance at the accompanying chart will show at once what is meant. We shift all responsibility to the chart. Byconsulting this it will be seen that the Runner enters the restaurant at the Entrance (0.0 miles) and proceeds along good macadam to Empty Table (0.2). From here he strikes olT 'cross country to the Sandwich Vault (0.8), where he trots up and down in front of the exhibit trying to decide on the lucky sandwich (0.0). This selected, it is necessary, if the lunchery is an automat, to walk back the entire length of the Ball Room (1.0) to procure nickels with which to operate the machine. Back to the Sandwich Vault (1.1), liberating sandwich and making a de tour to the extreme end of the line for a plate and a napkin (1.15), returning with same to table (1.2) and leaving them there to skirt left end for a gain of a cup of coffee, secured at the Coffee Pavilion at the Four Corners. On returning with coffee to his table, holding the cup at such an angle as to CHART SIIOWING THE PROGRESS OF THE FOOD WHEN PUT IN PLAY lose one and one-tenth cubic inches of liquid along the route, the Runner dis covers that the Employee Hazard, who collects empty dishes, has collected the sandwich that was left on the table and made off with it. A short but frantic chase after the wrong Tus-Boy ends up in a quick sortic to the Sandwich Vault for a duplicate sandwich (1.45). The sandwich and coffee, when brought face to face, seem so unimag inative that the Contestant risks a de layed pass to Hard-Boiled Egg Incu bator (1.5), returning through a broken field. On reaching the table, he dis covers a strange man eating the sand? wich. Aaaautta him, and then sees that his own sandwich is resting where he left it on the next table (1.6). Apol ogizes and returns to his own table with Hard Boiled Egg. After the third mouthful the Hard Boiled Egg and Sandwich become dry in the throat, practically blockading the passageway. A foreed march down the entire length of the Armory to the Water C.ooler and back (2.4), with p*r fect interfrence by seven 'cross-town lines of lunchers, also carrying liquids, resulting in a loss of half the water. Back, to find that the Bus-Boy has collected the remnants of Egg ard Sandwich, leaving nothing but the paper napkin. The Contestant drinks what remains of the water and starts out on another reconnoissance. After a patrol up and down the sand? wich and pie coasts, netting a gain of one-half a mile (2.9), commandeers a piece of layer-cake suffering from shaving-soap lather, and tacks back to the table, the other side of which has been occupied in the meantime by a severe-looking gentleman who is eating crackers and milk. After the nervous strain of the pre ceding blockade-running the Home Team has lost all of his poise, and be comes so embarrassed at the severe looking gentleman's watching him eat his layer-cake that he forgets for thc moment the exact location of his mouth and tries to force a forkful of lather into the side of his cheek. Moves to table on other side of Hall (3.0). The remaining quarter of a mile is easily gained by a series of plays, in? cluding a forward pass (Corn Muffins to Consumer), an onside kick to the floorwalker because the cream-tap for got to stop flowing when it had given its nickel's worth and bid fair to flood th* place, and three line burka after a knjf. fork and spoon respectively (3.25). With the same amount of walking.th, man eould have been served in a regijlaj restaurant. taken a stroll down (fc mile straight-away of Flemish tapestrin, on exhibition at the Art Muaeum, with*, detour through the Byzantin. Drinkinj. Cup corridor; he eould have accompani^ his wife from the Misses-Cloaks-aiyl. Suits-Tinwear - Drapories-and - .N'otiorj floor of a department store to the Me. chanical Toys - Undcrgarments - Porch Furniture-and-Toilet Goods floor, tr4 still have had strength enough to w_l< from the entrance of the Pennsylvanii Station to the nearest car of the Wagh. ington train. And yet here he has spent all that time and energy and has nothing to show for it except three sandwich crumbs on his waistcoat and a desire to go somewhere and get luneh. But, for all that, the self-service ?.}?_. tem is a contribution toward our demo. cratic system of governm* nt, and ail contributions surely ought to be grate fully received. Any man who has ever stood, with six other citoyev* in front of the revolving chicken pie machine, each man eyeing the others to see if they think that they are going to get the next disgorgement, while he thinks to him self that he'U be danged if they do; any man who has filed past the record'ng angel at the door of the Honor-system Lunch and suspected every one in line, including himself, of giving the wrong amount to be shouted out against him? such a man must have felt that in the heart of the Great Common People of this country lies the solution of the Whole Problem. il "FIF?TEEN C?E?EN?TS/ : -. ..;.:?. . ... . - - . ? WHEN ANDREW JACKSON SWUNG AROUND THE CIRCLE ALONG time ago, or to bc accu rate, in the year 1833, the House of Harper, then a young firm at 82 Cliff Street, put Major J. Downing (Downingville Militia, Second Brigade) into book form. Major Jack had previously appeared in "The New York Daily Advertiser," which printed and featured a series of his remarkably frank letters. With Hughes in the thick of the first campaign skirmish, there may be some? thing more than humor in the letters of a man (however mythical) who "swung around the circle" with Andrew Jack? son. The Downing letters were not wholly fiction. Those who read them now may rely upon their having been founded on once-remembered fact. Read in the news pagea of The Trib? une of the progress of the present Re? publican candidate through the Waat; then stop ofT here at this Magazine page and let .Major Downing tell you of the progress of Andrew Jackson and Mar? tin Van Buren through aNew York City. Jackson, Van Buren, Calhoun, Governor Caaa tht Major is as free and easy with the politieal notable.. of his day as ever Mr. Dooley might be with Roose? velt, Hughes and Wilson. You have the floor, Major, just as you had it in 1833: "Mr. Editor,?I have seen in your paper a 'Crowner's Inquest,' saying I was drowned at the bridge at Castle Garden, and picked up down in York Bay. This is a tarnal lie, and I wish you to say so; I did not so mueh as get my feet wet when the bridge fell, though it was a close shave, I tell you. I waa riding right alongaide the Gineral,?if Major Jack Downing Was with Him, of Course, and So Was Martin Van Ruren, Who Came A shore at the Rattery on the Tail of the GeneraVs Horse. (See illustration.) any thing, a little ahead of him. But this aint the only thumper l've heard about that scrap. I have heard it said that Mr. Van Buren had sawed the string-pieces under the bridge (anvbody may guess for what) ; but that can't be so, for he was right behind the Gineral when the bridge fell, and all the folks were floundoring in the mud and water. I thought he had gone, too, for he was right in the thickest on 'em. I and the Gineral clapt in the spurs, and we went quick enough through the crowd on the Battery; and the first thing I saw was Mr. Van Buren hanging on the tail of the Gineral's horse, and streaming out behind as straight as old Deaeon Willo by's cue when he is a little too late to meetin. Some of the folks said it look'd like the 'Flying Dutchman,' and some said something about 'Tam O'Shanter'; but never mind, we snaked him out of that scrape as slick as a whistle. I don't believe any one was drowned; but some did get a mortal ducking. I never see such a mess; they went in there like frogs?and such an eternal mixing? colonels, and c<_ptains, and niggers, and governors, and sailors. and all; it made no odds which went first, or what end was uppermost. And when we got up to the tavern, whene we put up over night, I and the Gineral had a real laugh to see all our folks coming in one arter another. Gov. Caas had a bandanna tied round his head,?'What,' says I, 'Governor, are you hurt?' 'Not as I knows on,' says he; Tmt I lost my wig.' And sure enough, come to take off the handkercher, his wig was gone. "Well.' says I, 'Governor, you've got the whole Indian tribes in your department, and it is a hard ease if you can't get a sealp to suit you.' And the Gineral snorted right out at this. And then come Gov. Massy; and he had his pantaloons rip'd from the waist band clean down to the THE GENERAL LANDS AT THE BATTERY. (From "Major Downing's Letters," Harper's, 1833.) knee. 'Well,' says I, *thi_ beats all nat ur; it will cost more than fifty cents to mend them.' 'Never mind, Massy,'says the Gineral, 'if you can't get them are pantaloons mended, the State'll give you a new pair.' And then we all snorted and sniker'd, I tell you. "I suppose it won't amount to nothing to tell you what we did in York; for it seems to me every living cretur was there. I never see such a crowd in all creation; and it has been just so all the while up to this hour. "Pve got the rumatiz now all over me ?I ha'nt had my hat on for nearly three weeks. As soon as we go out, I take one side and the Gineral t'other, and once in a while we change sides, and keep it up, bowing right and left. I like that better than shakin hands, for I can stand it now, and with one swing bow over five thousand folks at once, and we can't shake off half that number before break fast. "Mr. Van Buren gets along pretty well here among the Yankees. considering; but he has got his hands full, I tell you. They don't hurra here quite as mueh as they do down south, but kinder like to talk over things, you know, and we've got plaguey little time for that. 'Major,' says Mr. Van Buren, one day, 'I wish you would do all the talkin with these manufactory folks?you have a nack that way.' 'Well,' says I. T don't know but I have, but,' says I, 'Mr. Van Buren, I guess you can talk as glib as most folks.' So he can: for I do raly believe, if Mr. Van Buren was to set up a fac? tory, he would turn out cloth that would suit any kind of living cretur, and no one eould tell whether it was made of cotton or flax, hemp or wool?. twilled, or plain-striped, or checker'd? but little of all on 'em. I never see such a curious cretur as he is?evry body likes him, and he likes evry body; and he is just like evry body; and yet, in all the droves of folks I've seen since I left Washington, I never saw any body b*9 Mr. Van Buren. Enos Lyman got a painter to try and get a likeness of Mr. Van Buren, for his sign-boar _ to the tavern, on the road to Tanton. 'Well, now,' says I, 'just put up your brushes; you may just as well try to paint a tiash of heat-lightning in dog-oays.' But he tried it, and the sign-board lonks about as mueh like Mr. Van Buren as a salt cod-fish looks like a pocket handkercher. "We start to-morrow morning i|,vvn east, and I sha'nt be able to Wlita an? other word till arter we have been to Downingville. I'm going on ahead to lend Sergant Joel a hand to get things to rights there; and if you don't hear of cracking work down there, that will make 'em stare. I'm mistaken. The Gin? eral is amazingly tickled with the Yankees; and the more he sees on *? the better he likes 'em. '.No nullifica tion here, Major,' says he. 'No.' says I. 'Gineral: Mr. Calhoun would stand no more chance down east here than S stump'd-tail bull in fly time.' "J. DOWNING, Major, "Downingville Militia, 2d Brigade/