Barton County democrat. [volume], May 15, 1890, Image 1

About Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915

Image provided by: Kansas State Historical Society; Topeka, KS

                
THE LARGEST
CIRCULATION
IN THE COUNTY.
TY
DEMOCRAT
THE OFFICIAL.
ALLIANCE PAPER
FOR BARTON CO..
BARTOW
OFFICIAL PAPER OF BARTON COUNTY , , .
VOLUME VII. V GREAT PND, KANSAS, THURSDAY, MAY 15, 1890. - NUMBER 7.
editorial ooiHnarr.
n With all our prohibition, there are
now 91S convicts in the Kansas peniten
tiary.
"Come, let's take an original pack
age,' is the way the Kansas boys will
now say when they want to liquor up
Ik Nebraska the farmers' alliance will
put out a full state ticket this fall, and
also county tickets in almost every
eounty.
Tme state agricultural department
finds, after careful figuring, that at the
present price of corn, it costs $2,500,000
more to raise the Kansas crop than it
came to.
Tum Wichita News-Beacon is author
ity for the statement that Anheuser-
Busch Brewing company has purchased
$25,000 worth of property in that city
since the "original package" decision.
When Senator Ingalls calls himself a
poor man he means doubtless that be is
poor by comparison with some of his fel
low senators. 1 His fortune is estimated
at only $500,000. St. Louis Post Di-
pnteh. '
Ons of these days in the near future,
the city council of Great Bend will get
together and pass a high license ordi
nance for the purpose of controlling
"original packages." We throw this
out as a feeler.
Thx farmers in this vicinity who
have unmortgaged farms, and whose
checks are good as gold, raised their
crops on the farm and not on the store
steps and curb-Btones. They sowed
seed in good soil, not dissension and
dissatisfaction in the ranks of men.
Bro. Caraway, of the Register, is
slowly cultivating an appreciation of
good reading matter. Ills paper of last
week contained eight seperate articles
from the Democrat. Follow up the
"pointers" we give you, brother, and
you will get out a very fair newspaper
in course of time.
Ik 1888 the republican party said
"Hands off the tariff. It is good
.enough as it is must not be changed,"
and they got there on that platform.
Now see the way they are monkeying
with the tariff. It ought to disgust all
honorable men who believe that a po
litical party should have honesty of
principle to back it.
Petitions were circulated here some
time ago with a view of getting up a
Resubmission Club, and we understand
that a large number of signatures was
secured. On the 23rd inst. the leading
spirits in the resubmission movement
in the State will meet in Topeka, when
the claims of the organization will be
presenued to Gov. Humphrey. Sterling
Champion.
Thk W. C. T. U. furnished their
organ in this city with an "original
package," or what they claimed to be
"an original package" from the govern
or's office. But the package was broken;
it was not in the original shape; and
the W. C. T. U. will probably find out
that they have grossly violated the
laws of our land in attempting to im
pose of their alleged original package
(the Young petition) on the people of
this county.
Thk National ncampment,G. A. R .,
will be held in Boston, Mas., this year,
on August 12th to 15th. The Kansas
G. A. R. men are going to make an
effort to secure the encampment for
1892 at Topeka. To this end circulars
are out calling a meeting of all inter
ested, at Topeka, on May 20th, when
preliminary steps will be taken to put
the proper agencies to work. The
national encampment at Topeka would
make it handy for our boys to attend,
but we doubt if it would do Kansas
any particular good.
The republican politicions and wire
pollers of Kansas are for John J.
Ingulls; the farmers and laboring men
of Kansas are opposed to him. The
election this fall will demonstrate
which is the stronger power of the two.
The republican managers, through
their press, have already began the
work of whipping the party men into
line by telling them that the alliance is
only a democratic scheme. Last week's
Register is a fair sample of the way the
entire state republican press is pulling
the strings. It is the same old trick, to
stir the farmers up by crying "stop
thief , ' and the old ring can tote off
the prizes and "bust" the alliance!
President Harrison's veto of a.
public-building appropriation for a
Texas town is heralded by an office-subsidized
organ as "indicating a purpose
not to let the avalanche overwhelm the
administration with the shame of ex
travagance." It indicated nothing of
the sort. The president vetoed the
bill because he thought $100,000 enough
for a building at Dallas, and because of
"the urgency and necessity for a large
increase in expenditures in certain di
rections." The avalanche is coming,
but it is made up of pensions, subsidies,
river and harbor jobs and, other items
for the benefit of the republican party.
Public buildings in democratic districts
must wait or be scaled down. If. Y.
TftrU.
EE D0FT HEAlSr TO.
Bro. Caraway "had no intention to
criticise Dr. Bohrer," the alliance lect
urer; Oh, nol He had no intention(?)
to bop onto any man who showed up
the acts of republican congressmen in
their true, though unenviable light; Ob,
no! The republican party had no inten
tion) to bulldoze, or manipulate the
leaders of the farmers alliance in such
manner that they may be again brought
back into the g. o. p. fold, such of them
as "wandered estray." No, every move
of the republican leaders in Kansas;
every edition of the strict partizan
press, does not(?) point that way! Of
course, any one who reads the Register
can see that it is making no attempt (?)
to steer the recalcitrant republicans
back into the party lines. When it
says: "We would say to our republi
can friends of the alliance; stay with
tnem, maKe no political tight among
yourselves, but let there be just as much
political and religious freedom inside of
it as outside, and don't let such men as
Dr. Bobrer 'play' you for suckers." it
does not mean it; of course not. When
it quotes Congressman Peters as saying:
"That the leaders of the alliance will
attempt to drag it into the democratic
party, just as the farmers said in our
presence last week after bearing
Bohrer's speech when he used the fol
lowing emphatic language: 'I am an
alliance man but I will be d d if its
leaders can drag me into the democratic
party." it does not(V) mean to arouse
the party prejudice of its readers and
set them against their democratic
brethren in the alliance. We knew he
did not mean, to" pursue the course
he has pursued when we suggested the
matter to him.
If you don't mean it, Caraway, what
under the sun do you mean?
If our readers will remember, we told
them some months ago to look out for
ust the kind of argument Bro, Cara
way dished out to his readers last week.
We know there are the best men in our
county in the alliance, of both political
parties, and we also believe that our
neighbor Bro. Caraway is cognizant of
the fact. Our desire is that the alliance
men pull together in all things, for
only by thus doing can they accomplish
any good in that end. Our neighbor
of the Register advises them to "stay
with them" but "make no political
fight."
The next few months will tell how
strong a hold the principles of the
alliance movement has taken upon our
poeple. It is well for them that the ball
has opened thus early, for if there are
men in the alliance who think more of
party than home, and personal rights,
and prosperity, now is the time to
give them a chance to pull out; and a
few more efforts of the old ring organ,
and a few more cracks of the party
whip, will bring the weak kneed back
into line, ana the alliance can say
"Good riddance to bad rubbish."
Prohibition Vs., License.
No. 8.
In this paper I shall present facts
and figures showing that prohibition
has largely diminished drunkenness,
crime and pauperism wherever tried
as a natural sequence to the decreased
consumption of intoxicants as shown in
my letter No. 2. - In its issue of April
4th 1889, The (New York) Voice pub
lished letters from fourty-seven County
Treasurers, in which all except one
(F II. Miller Dept., County "Treasurer
of Barton county), stated that the law
was well enforced, that the saloons
were all closed, that drnnkeness and
the use of intoxicants for beverage
purposes were diminished from . fifty
to ninety-nine per cent, that criminal
arrests (except liquor prosecutions) had
been greatly diminished and pauperism
decreased, that business interests had
improved and capital attracted to the
state, and that the population had
grown in numbers and improved in
character. May 23rd, 1889, letters
were published in The Voice, from Pro
bate Judges of eighty-two of the 106
counties in Kansas, in which all but
four substantially declare prohibi
tion a success in closing the saloons
diminishing drunkenness fifty to
ninety percent, and decreasing crime
and pauperism very largely and, as
well as being a financial gain to the
community. In a letter from D. W.
Kent, ot Hutchinson, Kansas, pub
lished in The Voice August 22nd, 1889,
he says: During six months including
April to September, 1887, there were
184 arrests for drunkenness, and dur
ing the" same months in 1888 there
were only forty-two. a decrease of
ninety-two convictions for plain drunk
enness, tie further states that: "Seven
years ago Hutchinson had a population
of about 8,000. She bad six saloons,
and six policemen to protect the city.
Today we have a city from 12,000 to
15,000, and no saloons and only four
policemen." Is not prohibition a bene
fit to the public, and especially the
ninety-two who saved their fines for
"plain ; drunks", in 1888? Geo. W.
Paxton, city marshal of Emporia,
Kan., writes April 15th, 1889, and his
letter shows 'that for the six years
begining April, 1883, there were in
that year ISO arrests for drunkenness
and disorderlv conduct, and for 1888
only twenty-seven, a decrease of 103
arrests notwithstanding the fact that
the population had doubled in those
six years.
I glean the following facts from a
letter published in The Voice, January,
31st, 1889, written by Jas. W. Brown,
a thirty years resident of the city of
Leavenworth. In 1889, when Mayor
Neely (a democrat), was up for bis
third term, on account' of sentiment
favorable to prohibition, he sent a cir
cular to all the lady voters of the city,
pledging himself if elected that every
saloon should be closed. He wone by
sixteen votes. Suddenly 228 saloons
were closed. From 3,000 to 5,000
people left the city, and the cry was
raised that the city would go to the
dogs. In the spring of 1888 the census
was taken showing an increase of 1,554
over the population of 1887. In 1882
Leavenworth's population was 18,766.
In March 1888 it was 35,227, and it is
now claimed to be 40,000. Attorney
General Bradford "gives these figures
of commitments to the penitentiary
from Leavenworth county: "In 1886
(open saloons) thirty-six; in 1887 (closed
saloons) thirteen: in first half of 1888
(closed saloons)Cfive."
4ln the two years since the saloons
were closed,one of our banks has added
$150,000 to its capital, and twO new
banks have been established. A new
coal mine is being opened by a company
of 480 working men who have sub
scribed a capital of $50,000." The
Leavenworth Standard a Democratic
paper opposed to prohibition said Jan
uary 2nd, 1889: "This year we have
what might be called a boom in small
dwellings. 209 buildings have been
put up at a cost of $208,389."
These 209 buildings are nearly all
workingmen's dwellings. The money
that would have been spent for whiskey
if saloons had been opened, was put
into homes. I have just read your
article entitled "Prohibition the
Wrong Plan," and with all due respect
must say I was both supprise and
amused. In a future article I may
have occasion to notice some of the
statements you have made; but for the
present I must continue to be "so
misanthropic" as to add more facts
showing the benifits and blessings of
prohibition. Respectfully,
Joel Miller.
Hot for John.
The Augusta Journal, one of the
staunch republican papers of Kansas,
speaks out in meeting" as follows:
In conversation with the editor of
one of our leading county papers Mon
day, John J. Ingalls came up for dis
cussion. We were told that it was all
nonsense to oppose him, that if we did
we would be alone in the fight, that
iDgalls in the last eighteen years bad
done all his constituents had asked him
to do, that his constituents were to
blame for not instructing as to what
was wanted. This is the argument of
the Ingalls organs, when the question
is asked, "What has he done?" the
answer is "What have you asked him
to do?" The answer, however, is not
as satisfactory as it might be. A
senator who does nothing until he is
told to do it should be retired. Por
eighteen years Mr. Ingalls has been in
a position to learn something of the
United States and Kansas. He has
been paid a salary of nearly $100,000
to look after the interests of his con
stituents. It is his place to look into
the future and forsee if possible tne
needs of our commonwealth and there
to endeavor by all proper means to
secure it. Such a master mind as his
friends claim for him could certainly
forsee the rapid accumulation of
wealth, the combination of capital, and
a statesman, a patriotic statesman,
would have bent every energy to pro
tect those who honored him with the
highest position in their gift. Has
Ingalls done this? No. Will he be
elected? Yes if money and political
influence can do it.
Killed Himself and Wife.
Denver, May 9. A Ouray special to
the Republican says: At 2 o'clock this
afternoon John M. Winstead, while
intoxicated, went to the restaurant
kept Jay his wife and demanded money,
which she refused to give. Winstead
became very angry and pulled a large
revolver and shot bis wife through the
heart in the presence of his 12-year-old
son.
The wretch then turned the weapon
upon himself and sent a ball crashing
through his right breast, which not
proving fatal he walked out doors, sat
down on the front step and sent another
through his heart. Both will be buried
to-morrow at the expense of the county,
as all their property has been
squandered by the husband, who was
a dissolute fellow.
The dead woman has relatives in
Marshailtown, la., and at one time
lived in Hutchinson, Kan. The man
was from Tennesse.
John Winstead was for several years
a resident of Great Bend. In 1886 he
had a restaurant where Eppstein's shoe
store now is.
HEIOHTOaHOOD HAPPEHHIQS.
. xTDinwood Items.
Tn&Qm Advocate.
- -v
The church entertainment netted the
Presbyterian church (25, clear.
Over seventy ear loads of cattle have
been shipped into this place during the
past two weeks.
The creamery is again running at full
speed and continues to turn out the
finest kind of butter.
Mr. West, went out south one day
last week and says that he never saw
the equal of the fine stand of the
thousands of acres of wheat which he
beheld.
Memorial day will be duly observed
in this city and tnF. A."R,, Srof V.,
and ladies of the G. A: R. are making
preparations for suitable "exercises for
the day. ,
A. C. Viogt shipped a carload of
668 bushels of his fine rye to Texas last
week. Mr. Y. has shipped a number of
car loads of rye away this season, and
has been very successful in raising it.
Miss Julia A. Kuhl and brother
Albert Kuul, two or Jiansas rising
young educators, came down from the
Bend Saturday where they are attend
ing college, to visit their parents.
The Hassler entertainment at the
Opera house on Saturday night was
quiet well attended. The girls are
aged respectively 9, 11 and 13 years, and
for children so young do remarkably
well. The M. E. church people cleared
about $10.00.
Isn't it customary for the president
of the old settlers organization to
issue a call, setting the day or making
it known when the old settlers picnic is
to be held? We have had numerous
inquiries as to the matter but could not
give any information, as such a call has
not been issued. If the president does
not take steps, let the excutive board
do something! We will announce the
day of the picnic in our next, and if we
can not hear from the proper parties,
we will fix a date and publish it. We
are going to celebrate and don't you
forget it.
Albert Items.
From "Spunk."
Miss Katie Gallon visited her parents
Sunday last.
Dr. Shaw of Great Bend was ii town
Thursday last, r- '---
A social dance at Will Campbell's
last Friday night.
Mrs. A. A. Greeneboam returned to
Joliet, Ills., Monday evening last.
Just arrived at Danniel Bird's a
girl. She's a daisey! regular weight.
Traveling Auditor O. A. Brown, of
the Santa Pe, dinnered in our village
Friday last.
S. Jacoby's younger brother arrived
here Thursday last, and is now clerking
in the store.
Rev. Davis, of Lyons, held and inter
esting and impressive service at this
place Sunday morning last.
We think things have come to a pretty
pass when the boys shake dice to see
who gets the girl. Be careful boys, or
you may both get left.,' , fr
Hoisingtoir Kerns;
From the Dispatch.
Quite a good deal ot city property is
being sold.
Joe Johnson is building an addition
to bis residence.
The creamery is receiving over 3,000
pounds of milk daily.
The wheat prospects continue excell
ent. Prices are advancing right along.
The post office moved to the new
building on east side of Main street
Tuesday night.
A frost was noticeable several morn
ings the first of the week. The fruit
is damaged considerable.
Sam Shattuck says he is 125,000 bet
ter off than he. was Tuesday morning.
His wife presented him with a fine son
at noon on that day.
The city librarian . desires all who
have books belonging to the city library
to return them at once. Some of the
books have been out several months.
Pawnee Bock.
From the Leader.
II. G. Unruh has bought the
C.
Samuels place, near Dundee.
James Tarpy has commenced the
erection of a substantial new dwelling
house on his farm north of town.
The farmers will soon have to crane
their necks to see over their wheat
fields, just a few moredays like these.
Our city fathers, . no, we mean
mothers, met in regular session of
council, Monday, night and discussed
the iu's and out's of our city's future,.
At a meeting of the G. A. R. Post
Saturday evening arrangements were
made for the proper celebration of dec-
ocratlon day. A good' programme is
being arranged.
Deupree says rye is out in full bead
between here and Albert, and that
there is a field of wheat just west of
the J. H. Bement farm that is just
coming out in head.
Pete McGUl hauled the largest two-
horse load of wheat to Great Bend last
week, that has ever been takea to that
town, having had 84 bushels on. He
sold it at the Hulme mill, and received
70 cents a bushel.
The drama, "Fielding Manor," as
rendered by our home talent Friday
night of last week, was a pronounced
success. It is really difficult to tell
who was the star. In comedy, Henry
Lindas surely carried of the honor.
We will not attempt to pass judgement
on the rest, as each one did their part
well, and rendered the play to the full
satisfaction of a crowded house. It
was general verdict that it was the
best ever produced in our little town.
- . South Bead Haws. - -;
From "Bouncer.
J. B. Prose is visiting friends on the
south side.
The farmers are all busy planting
corn in this locality.
Dan Asher went to Larned on a
business trip Monday.
Rudv Miller has returned to work
with C- P. Ayers again.
Mr. and Mrs. George Moses spent
Sunday at J. L. Roberts'.
Wheat prospects were never better
in South Bend than at the present
time.
New members still coming in at the
South Bend alliance. Let the good
work go on.
W. Stevens and Chancey Boiler, of
Great Bend, were out taking in the
sights last Sunday a week.
C. P. Ayers has in about 30 acres of
wheat which is heading out nicely.
Hurrah for South Bend and C. P.
Vernie Hamilton, who has been sick
with lung fever for the past two or
three weeks, has so far recovered as to
be out again.
J. L. Roberts, one of our good Lib
erty neighbors, who has been suffering
for the past eight or nine months with
paralysis, is not quite as well as usual.
Sunday school at the Hood school
house every Sunday at 2 o'clock, p. m
Also preaching on the first and third
Sundays of each month, at 3 p. m.
J. L. Roberts, of Liberty, lost a fine
two year old colt last week. He also
bad a valuable mare badly cut on the
barbed wire fence about the same time
C. P Ayers went to Nickerson la6t
week and purchased 200 bead of Ari
zona cattle, which he intends to sum
merout here, and then fatten on Barton
county corn this winter. He has
secured the Birney pasture in which to
hold them this summer.
Ingalls in a New Bole.
The following"open letter to Senator
Ingalls" we reproduce, from the St
John Capital:
"Hon. John J. Ingalls, My Dear Sir:
I am in receipt of a copy of the New
York World, containing twenty seven
photographs of yourself, and let me
say, I think they flatter you very much.
But it strikes me, senator, that you
have not struck the right attitude yet.
In place of posing as a dude you should
array yourself in sack cloth and ashes,
and bow down on your bended knees,
and ask pardon of the generous people
of Kansas, whom you have so shame
fully deceived. Yes senator, you should
have the twenty-eighth photograph
taken in the above described attitude,
and give it as wide a circulation as you
did the other twenty-seven. Not only
that but you should accompany it with
an open acknowledgement of your past
official short comings. As you have
never been a supplicant at the throne
of common justice, let me suggest what
I think would be an appropriate con-
confession to make to the people you
have so shamefully deceived. It should
read something like this:
"I, John J. Ingalls, have been one of
the worst demagogues that ever betray
ed the confidence of a trusting people.
Although the interests of the west and
south are indentical I have made many
rabid speeches to "alienate them by
f actions, that have estranged them" so
the gold bugs of the east might prey
upon them. I have helped to enact
"unfriendly legislation that has placed
intolerable burdens on their energies."
I have helped to enact laws, that make
"invidious discriminations against
their products," I have supported
"unjust tariff that have repressed their
industries."
"When I reflect upon the "burdens
they have borne, the wrongs they have
suffered," I am heartily ashamed of
the unholy legislation I have helped to
enact, which made "the rich richer and
the poor poorer." And notwithstand
ing the fact that there "is not coin
enough in existence to meet in specie
the one thousandth part of the com
mercial obligations of the world," I
have supported that system of finance,
that has given to a "YanderbOt a
wealth beyond the dreams of avarice,
while it confines the poor to poverty
that knows no refuge from starvation
but the grave." I have played fast
and loose with prohibition until I am
"between the devil and the deep sea"
on that issue.
In truth, I have been "all things to
all men," keeping an eye single to my
own personal agrandizement.
"Yes senator, come out like a man
and make a clean breast of it, and
register a vow before high heaven that
you will, in the event of your re-election
serve the people whom you represent
and not be continually running after
the golden bugs of wall street. If you
will do this, and convince the people
of your sincerity, it may be possible
for them to trust you again.
Yours till death,
Timothy Hayseed."
BABY IN THE DESK.
locked Cp by Klstska, It BluiiihOW
wMly TJnta Fw4,
' Beal-estate men seldom get rattled.1
They are, as every body knows, men of
serve, but when they do occasionally
lose their heads one may be certain
there is good cause for it, says the Chi
cago Times. Such an instance occurred'
recently in the office of S. F. Gross. -Mr.
Gross had sold two lots to a younp
mechanic, who had oome during the
afternoon with his young wife to sign
the necessary papers, among which were
a score or more of promissory notes.
The young wife had with her a chubby,
pretty, blue-eyed and rosy-cheeked lit
tle baby, possibly six or seven months
old. The little one was asleep when
the couple reached the office, and when
the time came to sign the notes the
mother laid her sleeping baby on one of
the adjoining desks one of the cylin
der top variety. How it ever happened
nobody knew, but the clerk whose
desk it was, having to go out, carelessly
pulled the top down without noticing
the mite of humanity, looked it and
went away.
It took possibly tenor fifteen minutes
to Bign the notes and papers, and then
the couple made ready to go. Then the
mother discovered that her first-born
was missing. For the life of her
Mrs. couldn't remember what she
had done with the baby. And then
there was a scene. Tables and desks
were shoved aside, waste-baskets
emptied and clerks searched high and
low, but no baby could be found. The
young mother was almost frantic The
police were notified, and a patrol wagon
with four stalwart blue-coats soon ap
peared on the cene. They, too, ran
sacked the office, but in vain.
In the course of a half hour a great
crowd had gathered in front of the of
fice. It was at this juncture that the
clerk who had caused all the trouble re
turned. "What is the matter here?" he in
quired, breathlessly.
"A baby has been kidnaped."
"What!" and the advertising agent
joined in the search. Finally the de
mands of business caused him to open
his desk, and lol there inside neatly
curled up in her white robes lay the
little one fast asleep. During all the
hubbub and confusion the baby had
slumbered undisturbed. The opening
for letters in the desk had furnished all
the air its little lungs needed.
"Of course there was rejoicing then,
and you should have seen that mother
hugging her little one. I think the
boys are going to give her a lot for the
scare we gave her," said the clerk who
told the story.
A YANKEE VIDOCQ.
How He Tracked a Chicken TbUf and
Earned a Fat Reward. J
Connecticut has one country detective
who is a coming man Constable War
ren, of Putnam. To the coop of Will-
lam Johnson, a manufacturer of Put
nam, a thief came in the night and stole
CI teen choice fowls of fancy breed, and
Johnson offered Constable Warren f 15
if he would find the fowls. Apparently
there was not a clew, but the officer put
his sharp nose to the case and said
nothing. He went over the scene with
great pains and close scrutiny. The
coop was near the manufactory, and he
quickly discovered that in passing to
and from the coop the fowls had to pass
across an exposed and extremely warm
steam pipe; hence his instantaneous
conclusion that these fowls must have
burned feet. Thereupon he began to
hunt for hens with scorched feet in all
the barnyards and markets of Putnam.
Within a few hours after getting his
astonishing clew Constable Warren
stepped into D us tee's market, strolled
up to a lot of chickens hangings by their
legs to a hook, took down half a dozen
of them, tapped the marketman on the
shoulder and said:
"See those feet? They are burnt.
Those chickens were stolen from John
son, and they got their toes charred
stepping across his steam-pipe."
"Well, I swow." replied Dnstee, draw
ing a long breath; "I bought them fowls
of Joe Brunnell, living on Priest Park
Farm."
"All right," said the constable.
An hour later Warren interviewed
Joe Brunnell, and Joe said the constable
might have two of his best cows or any
thing else if be would let the matter
drop. But the constable was not look
ing for cows. Brunnell settled the case
with Mr. Johnson, and the constable
received 15.
Rescued from the Gallows.
Time was when haneed men men
who had been legally dropped through
traps witn ropes about their necks
walked around in Ireland in consider
able numbers, alive aad welL They
were esteemed by their neighbors as
persons of distinction, lor no Irishman
can help honoring anybody who has
cheated the law under any circum
stances, says the fiin Tr filmu Argo
naut. The finger of pride pointed cut
these rescued malefactors to strangers,
and usually they died a hyy Irish
death from the offerings of whisky
made them by their multitudes of ad
mirers. These hanged naen asaajped
justice through the connivamce of the
sheriff, who for a conaideratiee allffweH
the friends of the condemned t stand
under the gallows, catch the criminal as
he fell, and hold him up until in doe
time the slack rope was cut. The hero
of the hour was then borne home in his
oofln, and the neighborhood went nnon !
a rejoicing spree
MR. LAR KIN'S JOKE.
Hark Twain and Bob Burdotto Oatdone by
a Modest Tomaff Mas.
Tve got a first-class joke -for you,"
remarked Tiarkin, cheerfully, as he
eame and sat on the corner of the
editor's desk, knocking several manu
scripts into the waste basket.
"Have you?" asked the editor, in
breathless anxiety.
"Yes, just thought of it as I eame in
on the car, and as I know you are al
ways on the lookout for good things. I
thought I'd come around and tell you be
fore! forgot it. rm awfully busy this
morning, too.
"Sorry, murmured the editor.
Not at all! Don't mention it! The
joke was suggested by my seeing a man
kick a dog three or four blocks away.
Don't know why he kicked him, of '
course. May be the dog snarled at him,
as dogs will, you know. Fact is, there
are too many dogs about 99 per cent,
toe many, I should estimate. Now, I
used to own a dog back in the 70s that
n
"Excuse me, but you are forgetting
your joke," put in the editor, apologeti
cally. "I don't want to lose it, you
know."
"Of course you don't. You don't get a -joke
like this every day. It's A
No. 1, now. And I'm busy, so I won't
keep you long. I expect you are rather
busy yourself?"
"Well, yes, a little," replied the
editor, looking at the clock. "It's
nearly ten now. We hare to go to press
at twelve sharp."
"Then you won't be abio to get my
joke in this issue?"
I'm afraid not; but it will keep until
the next, won't it?"
"O yes, I suppose so; but I'm sort o' '.
anxious to see it in print. That's why
I ran around here to tell you before I
forgot it, notwithstanding I'm so busy I
don't know what to do first when I get
to the store."
"But the joke," suggested the editor,
with one anxious look at the clock.
"Yes. yes; well, this is it: When a
man kicks a dog he does it on purpose?,
Pretty good, hey!" and Larkin jumped
off the desk and patted the editor be
tween the shoulders with .force enough
to dislocate a tooth.
"But I don't see the joke," gasped the
editor.
"Well, new, that's good! Youll lauyh
when It dawns on you. Kick a dog on
purpose. See? P-u-r-p, purp, o-s-c, us,
purpose; see?"
That is the correct way to spell the .
word, but I would not divide the sylla
bles in just that manner. I'-u-r is the
correct division."
"But that Is where the joke comes In.
P-u-r-p, dog; don't you see?"
"So, I don't. P-u-r-p doesn't spell
dog."
"Of course not, but it means dog."
The editor shook his head mournfully.
"Do you mean to say you have tiever
heard a dog called a purp?"
'Never. tVhen young, a dog is some
times called a pup; but not a purp; at
least not by educated people."
"Well. 1 must go now, for I am afraid
I shall be late. Til come in again when
I think of something else real bright,
which I very often do."
"I shall be much obliged."
"Not at alL They come natural to
me. Good morning!" .
"Good morning!" Wm. EL Siviter, in
Jury.
i HUMOROUS.
Kluks "I consider Jinkles one of
the greatest statesmen in the country."
Gluts "Great Soott! man, what are '
you thinking of? He isn't worth a dol
lar." Minneapolis Journal.
Boy Logic "You are the twentieth
in the class. Bans. That means you are
at the very foot!" "WelL papa, how
can I help it if there are no more boys in
the class? Fliegende Blatter.
The Welsh word for beer is said to
bo cwrw." If it were necessary to
pronounce the name before getting a
drink there would be more prohibi
tionists than there are now. Emporia
Republican.
"Do you think that all these jokes
they make about plumbers are funny?"
said Mrs. Takair to her husband. 'I
used to," was the reply, "but I don't
any more. Not since the water pipes
burst." Merchant Traveler.
"Look here," said the managing
editor to the serf whose business it is to
do contortion tricks with the English
language, "you haven't made any jokes
on the grip that amount to any
thing." "No." "What's the reason?"
"Well, I thought I might lust as well
wait till I got over it myself before I
tried to be funny about it." Washing
ton Capital.
It Is reported that eur Government
is about to abandon the Weather Bureau
and substitute the "Old Farmers' Alma
nac." The latter predicts the weather
a year ahead, and makes no more mis-,
takes than the Weather Bureau, besides
telling us oh what day of the month
Fourth of July occurs and tho exact
number of days in February. Norria
town Herald. '
Lack of Stimulus. Mr. Bout town
"1 thought you said your law partner.
Mr. Silvertonguc, was such an eloquent
pleader. I stepped into the court-room
yesterday to hear him. but his address
to the jury was very cold and common
place." Mr. Blackstone "Yes. it was;
but yesterday he did not get warmed up
to his subject. You see, he knew our
client was innocent." N. Y. Weeklv.-
"I'm afraid your son will tring your
gray hair in sorrow to tho grave," said '
one of the clerks to tho old traveling '
man, alter listening to a long account
of the boy's misdeeds. "No, he won't;
not much.". Here be took -off his hat and
displayed "a Smooth, 'shining - caput.
"You see, his mother beat him out of
any fun he may have counted on having
with my gray hairs. She never rets
left." Merchant Traveler.
Osarbt to BeomnBd Him.
Suitor Perhaps, sir. you don't think
I'm good enough to marry your daugh
ter.
Father Perhaps I do. ' "
"WelL sir, Td have you know that
Pre been refused by some of the finest
voun? ladies in the land." Time.