iilin flu inn
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THE TOLA REGISTER.
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Aixisot St. Peiucix.
IOLA, ALLEN COUNTY, KANSAS.
TKIUfS-TU'O UOLL.UW J'Ett YKAIt.
IOLA, ALLEN COUNTY, KANSAS, MARCH 27, 1875.
OFFICIAX PAPER Or COUNTY.
00 3 00
47 00 W 00 dO 00
II VtrT.-leott District Judge
Avtr, Probjle Judge
Um Tlira.iler Couutv Tleixurvr
II A Xeedham,..., County Clerk.
o . irawi liejister ol ieeds
J II Richards, County Attornev
1 M Himnaon Clerk District Court
J K llrvau Sunerintendent Public A-hiwils
J r, Woodin,. ..-. MierilT
j.yman uuojaes , surveyor
D Hnrville, ) '
AWJHrlnd, J- 1 Commissioners
Isaac Donebrake, )
"W Clones, '. Slavor
I. I. Iwe Police Judge
h 1 Mauberj
I Walker, . Councilmcn
V M Simpson, I
K X Yates, J
I laXurthrnp,. ..... .,..,., Treasurer
II W Talcott, .. Clerk
J X Woollomes . ..Marshal
C I Bnggs, . Assistant Slarshal
y MCTHODIST EPISCOPAL.
Comer of Jefferson avenue and Broadway St.
Sen ices every Sabbath at 10f a. m. and 7 p. m.
Prayer meeting Thursday evenings at 7 p. m.
It. K. .M.1111, Pastor.
Corner Madison avenue and Western street.
Services 10 a. in. and 7 p. m. Sunday Scl
ti,' a.m. J . W . 1'inkekto.s , Pa
r School at
On Sycamore street. Services every Sablnth at
10)i a.m. and" p.m. Pnijermeetimron Thurs
day evening. Church meeting at 2 p. m. on
Saturday before the first Sabbath in each month.
Sabbath School at 12 o'clock m.
U. T. Kloyd, Pastor.
IOLA LODGE, NO. 38,
A F & A 5Iaons meets on the first
and third saturdajs in cery month
CV"LJ3artlren in good standing are invittd l
rj I. X White, bec'y
IOLA LODGE, NO. 21,
I O of Odd Fel
lows hold ttieirrtvular
met tings every 'i ne
'tlav eeniue. in their
hall, next door north ot Ihe po-t otiice Viiting
brethren in good standing, are invited toattmd
C. 31. M31P&OX, X U.
W. C. Jones, Sec'y .
H BANCROFT, FroprleJor. IOLA, Kav.
Tliis hoil-e has lieeu tlmroiulily rep-iired
and refitted ami n uuw ll.e most desirable pljre
in the city furtnneiers to stop. Xopim-nill U
spared to make Hie gue-ts of the Lei ind leel at
,'iome. naggage traiijftrreil to and front le;jt
fnee of charge. .
TMrnT!n PI?OfrrOtf. Pnoitrietnr. loll.
J Kans.i3. Single meals iii-tuts. D.iy lw.ml-1
ers one dollar Jier clay. . j
H. W. TALCOTT,
A TTOftVl'V AT T lil. lln mnntr
jfV Kansas. Ofliceon MadisonaieinusoneitiMir'
castorw m. uavis. ui.-es ieiorean oi ine courts
if the State will receiie careful attention. All
cpllections promptly remitted. .
NELSON F. ACEKS,
ATTORXEY AT LAW, Iola, Allen county,
. Kansas Has the only full and complete set
of Abstracts of Allen county.
J. C. SICBBAY J. II. KlCHAKD,
MURRAY & RICHARDS,
ATTORXEYS AXD COUNSELOR? AT LAW.
Monev in sums from 810U Oil to 8.1,0 M tfl
luuneil on long time upon Improved Fjrms in
Allen, Anderson, Wood-on, aul Xco-dio coun
D. F. GIVEXS,
WATCHMAKER, JEWELER, AXD CLOCK
Rejairer, ai the potoflice, lola, Kjnsas.
.Clocks, Watches and Jewelry, promptly and
ncal lv repaireil and warranleil. A fine assort
ment of Clocks, Jeweln', Gold liens and other
fancy articles, w hicli will be sold cheap. .
M. DeMOSS, M. D.,
OFFICE over Jno. Francis JfcCo.'s Drugstore
Residence on Washington avenue, 2nd door
south Xeosho street.
H. A. NEEDHAM,
COUXTY CLERK. Comeyaucing can-rully
done and acknowledgements taken. Maps
and plans neatly drawn.
J. N. WHITE,
TTXDERTAKER, JIadison avenne, Iola, Kan-
1 1 aa tfiwul nffliid i..intiinttr on hand .nd
lumineii on snort notice.
J. E. THORP,
TJARBER SHOP on Washington avenue first
XJ doorsonthof L. L. Xorthniira. ooil, lyoal,
Potatoes, Com and Hickory Xuts taken in ex
change for work. .
TAILOR. Iola, Kansas. Scott Brother's old
stand. Clothing made to order in th latest
and bet Styles. Satisfaction guaranteed. Clean
ing ana repairing uone on snort nonce.
T'he Iola Register.
SUBSCRIBE FOR IT.
Devoted to the interests of Iola and Allen
Local News a Specialty.
Contains a good assortment of general Hews cud
conuenseu aiaie .e .
Of all kinds, such as
3ARDS, POSTERS, &c,
Done in good style, and at reasonable prices.
STATE OF KANSAS.
Cocvrr of Allkv, JsS.
Before L. L. Low, J. P. for said Township.
L. II. Waniner. W. S Rramrr n.t J. IT. Hick
man, partners under firm name and style of
SVaniuer, Uregory & Co, Plaintiff,
G G. Holmes, Defendant.
THE Defendant i hereby notified
that he has been sued by Mid pUintiDTin said
court in a civil action to recover the sum of
A19.20 that on attachment issued in sjid cm-e on
February Sth, l.73, that said cause w ill be heard
n the 1st day of April, 1S73, at 19o'cloka. m.
. K. ACKItS,
H 3t PUintur. Attorney.
A Title of True i,ovo and Chance.
BY AMY KAXDOLPH.
A New England winter scene the
hemlock forests all draped with ermine
fringes of snow the hills and valleys
white as if they were coated with pearl,
while from the farm house chimneys in
the gray thickets of leafless maples under
the rocks a blue spinal smoke went
wreathing and curling up into the steely
January sky, and the sunsets, reflected
on the myriad tiny window panes of the
western front made an orange sparkle
brightness that supplied the otherwise
lacking clement ot color to the frigid
. Farmer Westerbrook had just brought
in an arm full of snow-crusted logs from
the woodpile at the north nd "of ther
house, throwing them down on the am
ple stone hearth with a noise like a
small earthquake, when Sibyl Harring
ton started up.
"Five o'clock ! Oh, I hadn't an idea
it was so late. I must bo going."
"Allow me to accompany you, Miss
"You let me see you home, Sibyl f '
Captain Meredith and Max Crossley
both spoka at once, and rosj simultan
eously but Sybil shook her head.
"I wonld prefer to walk alone," she
"And about that sleighing party to
morrow nig'at?' said, Max anxiously.
"I I have half-promised Captain
Meredith," said the village beauty, her
long eyelashes drooping, and a delicate
shade of ro;c suflusiiig her check.
"But Sibyl, I thought it was an under
stood matter between you and ne, three
good weeks ago?" Max exclaimed, with
"Was it?' lam sure Iliad forgotten
Max was hilent Captain Meredith's
bmioth, softly-intoned voice filled up the
"I exact no promise," he said gallant
ly "but if I am not punotHil to the
hour and the spot, MNs Harrington may
draw her own conclusions."
And Sibyl went out, her light fjot
step making a low, pleasant music on
the bright snow.
She was very prcty, this gazell-cycd
New England damsel, with big blue eyes
turning to.a limpid purple whenever she
wa in the least excited : hair short, hung
in golden frinec over her brjad, low
forehead, and the sweetest of rosy mouths
with three sentinel dimples on chcek
and chin ! Max Crosley had loved her
eyer since they were children together,
and C ijtain Me e lith, who had come
down to pass the Christmas holidays
with his cousins the Westettrooks, had
been eauir'utin the meshes of that bronze-
gold hair and the interlacing network of
the laches that overhung the purple-blue
eyes, and luJ prolonged his A'itit iBto
"Upon my word, she's a regular beau
ty," said the captain, staring through
the tiny window-panes at the retreating
footsteps of Miss Harrington.
Max Crossley looked quickly up at
him, at if he would have particularly
liked to'knock him over the andirons iu
among the logs; but perhaps he tnought
better of it, for he refrained liom any
"A beauty," went on the captain ; "and
it's a thousand pities she should be
thrown awsy on any jof the country
pumpkins who vegetate among these
wildernesses. Job, you youg vilain, are
those boots of mine blacked yet?"
Farmer Westerbrook's hired boy, who
had just come in to warm his empurpled
hands at the merry red blaze, looked
"No they ain't," said Job, brusquely.
"Well what's the reason ?"
"Cause I an't 'ad time." .
"See that you find time, then, and that
quick, too T'-said the captain. And Job
glowered after him, as he went gaily up
"I just wish I had the servin' of him
out," said Job, gloomily. "It's 'Job, do
this,' and 'Job do that,' and 'Job where's
the warm water,' and 'Job, what the
deuce do you mean by lettin' my fire -go
outf as if I was his bond slave, and not
a red cent he guv me yet no, oor so
much as a pleasant word ! I wonder if
lie means to stay here always."
"You and I are equally partial to him
Job," said Max Crossley, laughing.
"I heard him talking with Miss Sibyl
about goin' sleigh-ridin' to-morrow
night," said Job, shrewdly. I should
jes' like to put Kicking Billy in the
shafts I would, if it war'n't for Miss
Sibyl. i. don't know nothin' about
horses, that there militia cap'n don't."
And Job chuckled.
"I say, Mr. Crossley," he resunicd,
"why don't you get beforehand with
him ? Miss Sibyl don't really care for
him she's only dazzled, like."
Max Crossley frowned slightly r honest
Job was nof .exactly the kind of Gany
mede he cared to have meddle with his
"Miss Harrington must choose for
herself Job," he said ; and Job went back
to hii work, secretly wondering how a
young lady, gifted with ordinary common
sense, could hesitate or a moment be
tween the captain and Mr. Max Cross-
The next night came a night of all
nights propitious for sleighing expedi-Tself. An Echo, if Echo had any common
tionsand rustic love-making, the road1 sense, would have answered, "Just noth
delightfully hard andivell-packed, and a ing at all!" Job had outwitted him.
glorious full mooB shining down as white- He might and probably would settle
ly as if a rain ofsilxsr were deluging the with Job for the future, but for the
whole world 1 present Job had manifestly the advan-
"Couldn't be better weather !" said the tage of him. And. pretty Sibyl and Max
captain. "Job, where are the sleigh- Crossley with his red cutter and great
hells?" chestnut colored-horse! The captain ex-
"Dunno," quoth Job, indifferently, ccuted an impromptu series of gymnas
"There's them old jinglers in the gar- tics in the hay, as he reflected on all
ret that used to belong to Deacon Joe these things.
Westerbrook, that was in the Revolu- "I won't wait another minute for him,"
tfonary War, and tlieres the two eow said Sibyl Harrington coloring up, with
bells that Mary Aun might scour up the tears in her blue eyes, "Go oe,
with ashes " girls I shall spend the evening at
"Pshaw!" said the captain, "do you home."
take me for Rip Van Winkle? There's "There's plenty of room for you in our
a pretty little string somewhere, for I sleigh, Sibyl," coaxed her brother, a
saw them when Mrs. Westerbrook went great good humored athlete, with red
out dayjjejtorc yesterday." -w- -wbwlreTrTrrSl" dimples like her own.
1 hadn't seen nothin' on 'cm," saia
Job, stolidly. along."
"Come, come, don't make yourself out "No, she will not.cither," pouted Si
any stupider than you bo by nature, byl. "As if I were going to spoil her
Job," said the farmer, laughing, never- fun ! No if I can't have an escort of
thelcss, for the captain's airs and graces my own, I'll stay at home and mend
wpre fast wearintr out his welcome, and stockings. And I never never will
he secretly sympathized with the much
"I guess they're out iu the barn cham
You better go with him, captain, if
you expect to find 'em oar Job's dread- j Sibyl jumped up, raidiantly ; she tev
ful thick-headed when he chooses to ' cr had been so glad to see honest Max in
ta j" all her life before.
"Come along, my fine fellow," said ' "Not gone yet, Sibyl ? Where is the
the captain jocosely, collaring Job, and captain?"
marching him o.T in the direction of tlus I "I don't know," said Sibyl, tartly,
old red barn under the hill. "Wc don't I "and I don't care! Am I Captain Mer
need any lantern in this bright moon- dith's keeper?"
light, that is one comOrt." ! "Will you go with me ?"
Old Billy, renowned" for lus kicking! "Yes, I will," said Sibyl, the purple
qualities, blinked sagoly around at them lights coming into her eyes and the shy
from his stall, and firni, the little grey smiles dimpling her lips,
pony, who was destine 1 to figure in the "Of course," said Max, "I cau't-exrect
cutter shafts that nt.Jit, set up a low, to mnko in.welf as aireeablo as the city
friendly whining as th entered the big, captain, but"
frosty, fragrant barn. "The captain, :the captain !'.' cried
"Whcroare the stairs ?" Jcmandcd the Sibyl, a little irritably. "I'm sick of the
captain. j sound of his name! I never want to
"There an't none," said Job. "It's a see him again ! What a t.ice new cutter
ladder." J this is, and how cosy the wolf-robes
"Up with you then," said Meredith are!"
hut Job shrunk stead: istly back. i "Sibyl," whispered Max, ashe touched
'I wj.i1 !:i'l for fifty dollars," said Job. up the horse, and felt her nestling
"Old Michael Westerbrook hung him- close to him, "is it for atw.iyit"
self ftotn the middle beam fourteen years "Yes, always," she answered,
ago, and folks say he stands up there, "Jc-nmlem ?" said farmer Wester
with a rope round his neck eery moon brook. It 03 past ten o'clock at night,
light ni"ht." al,d the-old gcntletmii haJ cotnc out, as
"Stuif and nonsense," ejaculated the 1-c always did ihe last thing before re
cipUin, in accents f supreme contempt, 'turning to rest, to see that Job had not
"You great cowardly lout, stay where1 set the Iwm on fire, and that the dumb
you are then, and I'll go myself." members of his family were all safe and
He sprang nimbly up the rounds of ' comfortable. "I do M;ce that's old
the ladder and disappeared through the' Mike WesterlirookV ghost come to life
tran-door. ' aSa'n poundin' like all povsscd on the
-Where is it?" he called. j lrn chamber floor !"
"The ghost? Right under the middle ' "It's me-c-e! its me ce!" bawled the
boam by the window, was tins place captain, forgetting all the nicer distinc
I mean the string of
llln ' door; let me out I
"Look for 'cm yourself," said Job, sul- Slowly the farmer lifted the ladder and
kily. I don't know where they be, and adjusted it in its place. With rlieu
whafs more I don't care." "atic awkwardness he climed the croak-
"I'll settle with you my fine lellow, , ing rounds and undidjthe haok from its
when I come down," said the captain, hasp,
threateningly, as he groped about in the ' "How in ail creation come you here ?"
dim IMit which was admitted by a cob-
web draped window at cither end of the
"Don't hurry yourself, cap'n" rejoined
Job, in a jeering mood.
A, the captain plunged into a dark
corner, there was a jingle and the string
of bells suspended from a nail hit him
directly on the neck, so Hke tne grasp of
death-cold fingers that h'e could not but
"Oh!" said the captain, nervously.
"Here they are. Catch 'em Job! Hal lo!
where's the trap-door?"
And it took the militia man full sixty
seconds or more to realize that the trap
door was closed and fastened on the low
er side. He rushed to the window and
threw it up, only to bee job speeding up
. "Hal-Io-o-o-a!" yelled Captain Mere
dith. "Come back, you scoundrel 1 you
ill-conditioned lout ! you imp of evil !"
Job turned round and executed that
peculiar gyration of the fingers in con
nection with the nasal protuberance
which is supposed to express the extrem
ity of scorn.
"You'll find the ladder on the barn
floor, cap'n," hooted this young rebel.
"And don't be afeard o' the ghost. It's
very harmless if you let it alone."
"But Job, Job come.back I'm to be
at Mr. Harrington's at half-past seven !"
"Don't worry !" hoarsely bawled Job.
"Miss Sibyl won't wait very long afore
Mr. Max'll be on hand."
The captain danced up and do;vn on
the barn floor in an ccstacy of rage; as
Job disappeared over the crest of the hill.
There was no use callinz for help. He
lUClC W.VS Jill UK Hiliiji v. .... -w
., , . , ,
. , , r, t. u i
the lunss of Boreas he could not have
- a.nva itinii tii ir w nt ii'ifi iiiiwwhihi
made anv one hear. He sat shivering!
down on the hay, starting nervously at
the sound of Kicking Billy's feet among
his snug bed of straw, and thinking how.
disagreeable a bar of moonlight, which
streamed down from a crack in the apex
of the roof, resembled a tall whit figure
standing under the .center-beam. He
could almost fancy the rope round its
neck pshaw! And the captain jumped
up again, with starting dew on his .tem
ples, even in the freezing atmosphere of
the baru cliaoiber.
What was to be done he asked him-
"Bessy mown win oe giau to nave you
speak to captain Meredith again !"
Hosea Harrington was just opening
his mouth to argue the matter with his
sister once more, when the duor opened
and in walked Max Crossley
tions ot trraiinnr in ins tteitgiit at lite
prospect of rclea- ; "unfasten the trap
he demanded. "Why, 1 thought you
was out a slcigh-nuin with the gals.
" was a" tne (lo'n of tnat villain,
Job!" gasped the infuriated captain, his
j teeth chattering with mingled rage and
I com. -i won t siami i:ns sorioiming,
I'll leave the place to-morrow."
"As you please," said the farmer, to
i whom the prospect of losing his guest
' was not altogether unpleasant. "I'm
dreadful sorry thisshould have happened
though and I'll tulk seriously to Job."
"So will I," gashed the captain. "Ill
break every bone in his body."
But Job, wiser in his generation than
the children of light, had taken particu
lar care to go over to his grandmother's
six miles across the snowy fields, to spend
the night, and the only person the cap
ttin saw was old Mrs. Westerbrook,
sitting by the kitchen fire.
"You've lost your chance, Captin,"
said she, good-humorcdly, "Dorcas Smith
has just gone by, on ther way home from
the sleighing party, and she says 5Iax
Crossley brought Sibyl Harrington in his
new cutter, and they're engaged."
The captain went home the next day
according to programme, and Mrs. Max
Crossley has never seen him since. And
when the affair came off. Job got a piece
of wedding cake big enough to give him
the dispepsia for a week.
Scoldixg. What good does scolding
do ? It does no one the least service,
but creates infinite mischief. Scolding
servants never do their work well. Their
temper is aroused, as well as the mis
tresses', and they very often fail in their
duty at awkward moments simply to
spite her and "serve her out." Very
wrong in them, doubtless; but human
.....', . . . .
naturc is frail, and service is a trying in
stitution. It does go good to husband or
child, for it simply empties the house of
both as soon as possible.
The difference; when a lady slipt on
the sidewalk she gracefully sits down and
that is the end of it. A man, however,
always tries to catch himself with the
other foot, drops alj his bundles and uses
his arms for balancing-poles, struggles
desperately for about ten seconds in vain
endeavor to recover his equilibrium, and
finally goes sprawling like a collapsed
wind-mill, then he swears.
Tlarpf r 8 jlagaziie for April, 1875.
Hauper's Maoazixe for April offers
fresh attractions to all classes of readers.
It opens with a beautiful narrative by
Miss Constance F. Woolson, amply and
finely illustrated, of a summer tour
among the mountains of Western North
Carolina. The grand and picturesque
scenery on the French Broad River is
here graphically ortrayed by pen and
pencil, and there are numerous character
sketches always a prominent feature in
Harpti't descriptive articles.
.Readers who have followed Miss
Thackeray's charming serial, "Miss An
gel," will turn with special interest to
the article by E. Mason on Angelica
Kauffman, illustrated by some of that
artist's finest etchings.
The Sixth Paper of the First Century
Series is contributed by the Hon. David
A. Wells, and is an able and comprehen
sive review of our progress during the
century in Manufacture.
A new and very important series of
papers is commeneed in this number, en
titled, "The Stone Age in Europe," add
prepared by an eminent archaeologist,
Prof. Charles Rau. The treatment of thr
subject is scientific and modest the first
installment relating to the Drift Period,
and containing accurate illustrations of
the human implements and auimal re
mains of that period.
The most entertaining and novel fea
ture of this number is the Hon. S. S.
Cox's paper on American Humor, which
is characteristically illustrated. Mr. Cox
makes his readers laugh while he is tell
ing them cluj they laugh,
James Parton continues his series of
papers on Caricature, dealing this month
with the "Caricatures of the Reforma
tion." It is dilficult to decide which is
the more interesting, the writer's brill
iant essay, or the quaint and curious il
lustration which he has carefully select
ed from so many sources.
The celebration this month of the quar
tercentcnary of Michael Angejo's birth
gives peculiar interest to Edward How
land's paper on that artist, treating es
pecially of his personal history, and giv
ing prominence to his association with
Victoria Colona and his beautiful son
net. The two sericls, "Rape of the Gamp"
and "Miss Angel," are continued ; and
there are also three cspital short stories:
"The Widow Case," by Rose Terry Cook;
"A Lion in the Wny,"'by Harriett Pres
cott Spnffbrd; and "Shinnecock," by
The poems of the number are by R.
H. Stoddard, Titus M. Coan, Will Wal
lace Harney, and Louise Chandler
The Eay Chair recur's to the moral of
Jcflerson's "Rip Van Winkle," and chats
in a characteristic vein about Greville
Merao'rs, St. Valentine's day and the
sincerity of true courtesj. The Scientific
Record is very comprehensive in its sum
mary of scientific progress, ami the
Draicer contains some hitherto unpub
lished .anecdotes of President Lincoln.
A pretty song is never lost ; somebody
is cheered by it. The old, time-worn
songs do not stir and enliven up like the
new, but they are so resting when we
need rest, so healing when we need balm.
"Nearer, 5Iy God, toThee,"howstrngth
ening it is! What power there is in it
to lift a fainting christian on his feet.
just after some awkwwd pause in a prayer
"Do They Miss Me at Home?" is a
cast off old song, yet many of us hum it
on the sly at eventide. I know a Boston
editor, whose gay little wife has a lonely
father and mother among the highlands
of New York. An abundance of new
songs grace her piano, yet on a Iowery
day, you would be attracted by a famil
iar old song which dies out in saying, "I
wish you were here." And such a
thrill of feeling she puts into it, too.
"The Star-Spangled Banner will lift
a fainting invilid into a sitting posture,
and he will tell you that he is refreshed,
when tho same exertion would have
worried him without the song. "
Let those sing for us who can sing eo
as to thrill us, make us laugh dance and
flutter. The great poet turns our dis
cords into harmony, for he knows well
the pages of unwritten music and poetry
that lie hidden in our simple souls. It
is a great achievement to compose great
songs, for it echoes so after we .ire gone.
Like light from a star, it shines on and
on after the orb has dropped from its
place in the heavens. 3fr$. D. C. Rude.
Boys Will be Boys.
So thought the occupants of a Boston
horse car, who listened to the story of a
mischievous young lad who was telling
an old gentleman why he liked the new
master of one of our schools. The master,
he said, was.n first-rate fellow, and then
he had dismissed the school twice lately
at 0:30 o'clock in the morning.
"Why, what did he do that for T' asked
the elderly gentleman:
A iter the you th had had a good laugh he
managed to explain that one of (he boys
had put a piece of ice under the ther
mometer, and sent the mercury down to
for ty, and the m.uter thought the room
was not warm enough to remain in. And
the way the old gentleman laughed and
shook told plainly enough that he had
once been one of that kind ofbovs.
Practical Effects of Uraor.
Ml of our prominent representative
men have had more or less of this facul
ty, and use it as the tareit talisman to
open the popular ear. John P. Hale,
ever on a smile with his waggery ; Gen
eral Houston, with his eccentricity;
John Van: Buren, with his playful sar
casm ; D. S. Dickinson, with his trench
ant, Scriptural, practical, ironical hits ;
Thomas Corwin with his inimitable
drollery ; Thaddeus Stevens, with his dry
and biting sarcasm ; and Proctor Knott,
with his elaborate Duluthiana had the
charm which drew the crowd and held
men while they talked. The masses leap
to hear a man of humorlike Butler, even
when his speeches are full charged with
diabolism, or to hear a minister like
Beccher, and even from the pulpit await
the inevitable laugh ! It is all the better
if it lias point; but give the laugh with
out point, rather than no laugh at all.
There is no ruse so common as this, at
least in the Wet, as the argumentum ad
risum. Turn the laugh on your oppon
ent, Sir Sophist and though he pile Pc
lion on Ossa of argument, yon have him
down ! This mav seem more creditable
to our humor than to our sense. But let
us see. One of the utilities of humor is
the use made of it by our writers and
speakers in what is called the reduciio ad
abiurdum. This use may be abused ; but
we cannot spare it for all that, so long as
we have so many empirics in medicine,
pettifoggers in law, demagogues in poli
tics, pretenders in religion, and snobs in
society. Our institutions are favorable
to the growth of mushrooms. They grow
up in a night around the roots of our
wide-spreading freedom. We have the
orists without sagacity, philanthropists
without mortality, and practical men
without sentiment. We have men who
pass current for eagles, which a little
touch from the point of humor reduces
to tomtits. We hare vaunting patriots
whose patriotism, as of old is scoundrel
ism men who live, ay, who thrive, on
the burning indignation poured upon
them Such men wither, under ridicule
to their proper dimensions. Ridicule
never hurls an honest man. He alone
can join in the laugh against himself.
It is the Ithuriel spear, however, which
makes the devil show himself as he is.
Ridicule may not be a good test of truth,
as Shaftsbury maintained, but it U not a
bad test of fasehood. An old English
"For he wh idiejnot trcmVcat tin- iword.
Who ipuiU not with his head upt-i the block,
Turn but a jest against hiui, I)e4 heart:
Theshaftsofwit flip thmiuh the stoniest mail;
There is no man alite who can Ihe down
The unevtinuisluble laughter of nuukind."
We are apt to condemn the writer or
speaker who applies the Joitch stone of
absurdity to th slmais and rascality of
the day, even while we laugh with him.
Rut Attic salt is as useful as Kanawha.
The one preserves mess pork, the other
moral puiity. Even when our hutsor i
misapplied, it is the smiike evidencing
the fire of fun which lies beneath the
crust of our society. Hence the success
of Nast and others with their terrible
caricatures Th3 Hon. S. S. Cox, in
Harper's Magazine for April.
What jj Army of Toadstools Did.
Did you ever think how strong the
growing plants must be to force their way
up through the earth ?' Even the green
tips of the tiny blades of grass, that bow
before a breath, have to exert a force in
coming through, that, in proportion to
their size, is greater than you would
exert in rising from under a mound of
cobble stones. And think of toad-stools
what soft, tender things they arc,
breaking at a touch. Yet, I can tell you
they're quite mighty in their way.
Charles Kingsley, the celebrated En
glish priest and novelist, was a very
close observer of nature. One evening
noticed particularly a square flat stone.
that, I should say, was about as long and
as broad as three big burdock leaves,
he thought it would require quite a
strog man to lift a stone like that. In
the morning he looked again, and lo ! the
stone was raised so that he could see the
light under it. What was his surprise to
find, on closer examination, that a crop
of toadstools had sprung up under the
stone in the night and raised it up on
their little round shoulders as they
I'm told that Canon Kingsley gives an
account of this in his book called
"Christmas in the West Indies," but it
was in England that he saw it.
Knowing that he was so close an ob
server, I shouldn't be one bit. surprised
if he went still further and found out
that one secret of the toadstools being
able to lift the stone was that they didn't
waste time and strength in urging each
other to the work but each one did his
very best without quarreling about
whose turn it was, or whether Pink
Shoulder or Brown Button was shirking
his share. But then tho toad-stools must
have been strong, too. Prom "Jack-in-
the-Pulpil," St. Xicholat For April.
It is reported that a somewhat juvenile
dandy said to n fair partner at a ball:
"Miss, don't you think my moustaches
are becomina?" To which Miss replied,
"well, sir, they may be coming, bat they
ha v n't arrived yet."
A vounir wife, caressing her lao-dos
! cried out with transport: "Oh, my
Jewell, you are the dearest puppy in the
v world except my husband."
A Legal Aiaueiatar.
A machine is to be pat up in every
law office in New York city, and every
thing transpiring in the courts is to be
transmitted as the sale of stocks is sent
to the hotels and financial institutions
oftheeity. A lawyer will not have to
go to court to know hat cases are on
trial, vbat judgsaents are rendered, or
what legal transactions take place in the
courts. Everything transacted will go
over the wires as stocks do now. Tlie
arrangement will include all that is
done in the sheriffs office; every judg
ment and levy; every murtgaga and
attachment ; every case tried, from the
Justice's Court up to the Supreme, with
every verdict and every disagreement.
The putting up of the instrument is to
cost about $250 each.;?
Actiox. Men who have a half dozen
irons in tl-e fire are not the ones to go
crazy. It is the man of voluntary or
compelled leisure, who mopes and
pines and thinks himself into the
mad house or the grave. Motion is all
nature's law. Action is man's salvation,
physical and mental; and yet nine ont
of ten are wistfully looking forward to
the coveted hour when they shall nave
leisure to do nothing the very siren that
has lured to death many a "successful"
man. He only is truly wise who lays
himself out to work till life's latest hour,
and that is the man who will live the
longest, and will-live to most purpose.
There recently died in the North of
France, at the age ot eighty-three, a
miser who lived alone, and whose hat,
when examined by the authorities after
his death, proved a sort of gold mine.
His pillow alone contained 19,000 francs
in gold pieces of the time of Louis XV.
and Louis XVI. He had a taste for
old pieces. He had been robbed many
times, and the thieves were generally
detected through the antiquity of the
money they stole. The total of the sums
robbed from him in his life, for which
men have been convicted and sentenced,
reach 100,000 francs.
An old lady, recently, in some court
before which she was brought as a wit
ness, when asked by one of the judges to
take off her bonnet, obstinately refused
to do so, saying, "there is no law to
compel a woman to take offher bonnet.''
"Oh," replied one of the judge, "you
know the law do you ? perhaps you would
like to come up and sit here and teach
us?" "No, I thank you, sir," said the
woman, tartly, "there are old women
enough there bow."
Here are some proverbs which Alphonse
Karr says are from the Russian :
If you are a mushroom, let them put
you in a basket.
Debts are not noisy, but they keep one
One is not loved because he is hand
some, but handsome because he is be
loved. Make frieuds of the bear, -but keep
hold of your hatchet."
"Well, my son," said a Detroit father
to his eight-year son the dther night:
"what have you done to-day that may bo
set down as a good deed f
"Gave a joor boy five cents," replied
"Ah, ha! that was charity, and charity
is always right. He waan orphan boy,
was he ?"
"I didn't stop to ask," replied the boy ;
"I gave him the money for licking a boy
who spit in my dinner basket ! "
A minister at a colored wedding who
wished to lie humorous, said: "On such
occasions it is customary to kiss the
bride, but in this case we .will omit it."
To which ungallant remark the bride
groom pertinently replied: "On such
occasions it is customary to pay the min
ister $10, but in this case we will omit
An inquisitive young man said to his
mother's brother, Uncle James, how is it
that you and aunt Sarah never agree ?
Because my boy we are both of us of
one mind, and have been ro ever since
we were married. How is that, uncle ? I
don't understand you. Why, my boy,
yon see she always wants to be master
and so do I-
The Troy Timet says : "A pretty good
story is told of one of Gov. Tilden's staff.
It is said that when the individual refer
red to first presented himself en militaire
to his wife and little dahghter, the latter
after gazing at him in wonder for a few
minutes, turned to her mother and ex
claimed 'Why, ma, that's not a rea!sold
ier; it's pa!'"
In England, recently, a tin of hecf,
which had been prepared for tbe soldiers
in the Crimea in 1856, was recently
opened and its contents found perfectly
sound and wholesome.
"I am going to the poatofficc, Bob ;
shall I inquire for you V "Well, yes, if
you have a mind to, bat I don't think;
you'll find me there."
It has been discovered after saach la
borious research, that the avsasaies ot
Egypt are all that is left of tome of the
In tbe next House of Representatives
there will be eigfety-ric ex-rebel officers
and soldiers and twenty-three Union
officers and soldiers.
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