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%**With 0 Pantalettes and Pinafores. O THE N THE evening of Feb. 22 next, Monticello is to have a "time." And there will be things doing calculated to give pause to those of quiet tastes. *Deestnck Skule is to take up in Hitter's opera house and for a mere 35c you aie able to secure $2 worth of fun seeing the men of Monti cello as they were when barefooted boys, in short trousers. Smart Aleck Orson Chamberlan alone will be worth the price of admission. The ladies will appear as they did when they wore ringlets and were mammas' little dears in pink pina fores, from forty to sixty years ago. At recess time Clarence Simpkms, Ezekeil Jedediah Hon eysuckle Stout, John Boulian Evans, Frederick Gee, alias httle Grover Cle\ eland, and Shorty Wandall will give an ex- hibition of a little stunt they used to give when they went to school together down in Varmont. Rehearsals have already been held and the girls in their little pink dresses and hair braided in two little pigtails were so beautiful that it was almost impossible for the rehearsal to continue. All Montioello is to be there and the Library Ladies are as sure of their $150 for new books as if they already had their gloves on it. A rollicking, careless-like son of a gun Went out to the rink in a foray for fun With a giddy one weighing an eighth of a ton Sing turel-li-ural And tural-li-hunl! And now wasn't Charlie the rollicking one!I When viewing the plump one a newsie quite gav Remarked an "aside" to a friend. It was* "Say, Dat goil is as light as a small load of hay.'' Sing turel-li-ural And also h-ay! Come now, does this life of the rapid pace payt __ Perhaps as vou read you have possibly thunk That the girl on the skatelets came down with a tunk, If I wrote it that way, 'twould be handing you "bunk"} Sing turel-li-ural And tural-li-hunk! That girl was as light on her feet as da monk.'' She glided and gleamed like a cheerful balloon Whenever the orchestra loosened a tune, And she made the place summer, in fact it was June. Sing turel-li-ural And turel-li-oon. M-mm, mamma, I hope I will skate with her soon. A writer in the Le Sueur News is opposed to the legisla ture. He says that the grave responsibilities these solons hink they assume would would have caused the knees of the toman senators to knock together under the load. The writer adds "The legislature feels called on to regulate ev erything from the doses of Rocky Mountain tea which their constituents take, to the action of the Gulf Stream j)n the weather of Southern California. If I had my choice between running a legislature or the batty ward of the 'Nanny' house, I'd hesitate before choosing." This is too harsh. The legislature does the best it knows. The Hardwick News tells of an adventure that made Postmaster Iverson think he was in Russia. Some letters had just come in from the branch train and the postmaster was backstamping them with the date of receipt and doing some splendid strong-arm work when Mrs. John Scholdt's epistle suddenly exploded. The* postmaster had his face and hand burned and the room was filled with smoke. It was found that the envelope contained a bunch of percus sion paper caps and the stamp hammer coming in contact with them had caused the trouble. Hereafter the postmaster will stand across the room and smite the epistles with a long handled hammer before he cancels a stamp. Once is enough. -A. J. R.- toughness of pineapples is almost entirely eliminated by slicing the fruit up and down, from stem to blossom end, instead of thru the core, as is usually done. Thrust a fork into the blossom end to hold the apple steady, and slice until you come to the hard, pithy core, which can then be dis- carded. The trick was taught me by an old pineapple grower and makes all the difference in the world in the tenderness of the fruit, which is usually hard and chippy when sliced with instead of against the grain. Coffee icing is a good combination with spice cake. Boil four ounces of best Java coffee with one pint of water down to half a pint, keeping it covered. Strain thru a fine cloth and add two tablespoonfuls of browned sugar or sugar color ing, and either a bowl of cooked white icing, which has be- come stiff, or a bowl of fondant. Unlike other broiled meats, pork tenderloin should be broiled over gas for twenty to twenty-five minutes, and turned every two minutes. Lay upon a hot dish, sprinkle with salt and pepper and with lemon juice, and dot with bits of but- ter. Cover closely and allow it to stand for ten minutes be- fore serving. Pass with it hot unsweetened apple sauce. &- A pleasant change from pork and beans is to boil and strain thru a colander a quart of white beans. Heat in A saucepan a quarter cupful of butter, a tablespoon of chopped parsley, and a leaf or two of mint chopped fine. Stir in the beans and toss the mixture in the pan until hot. Heap on a platter with slices of broiled bacon around the edge. THE RIGHT ANSWER. EORGE HARVEY, the editor, was talking about lit erary prize competitions. "These competitions no doubt do good," he said, "but they excise a great deal of rage and bitterness. If, for in- stance, there are 500 competitors for a prize, it is likely that 499 of them will be dissatisfied with the award." Mr. Harvey smiled. "Lucky is the judge," he said, "who can answer the 'disgruntled competitor as a friend of mine once did. "My friend was the judge in a sonnet contest. Over one thousand sonnets were submitted. My friend read them all, awarded the prize of $25 to a young gentleman of Bos ton, and in a few days received from another competitor a letter saying: 'Have you not made a mistake, and given the prize to the worst instead of to the best sonnet?' "My friend wrote back: 'No, for if I had, the prize 'would undoubtedly have fallen to you.' CHANGE OF BILL NEEDED. T ARGE house tonight?" asked the entic. L-* Manager Fiasco groaned. "It never looked so large before," he said. -"There are only four people in it." Saturday Evening, the Long Bow "Eye nature's walks, shoot fotty as Hiss, Those Things Doing in Monticello, Minn., Next Week, Which Bangs Would Rejoice to SeeDeestrict Skule in Hitter's Opera House With the Monticello 400 in Knee Pants, fS auu ^fesify? A CAUGHT IN THE ACT. Pie on the Millionaire ON'T talk to me!" wailed the girl artist wiping a daub of green paint off the side of her nose with a clean corner of her apron. "Don't even look at me! I can't bear it! I'm a failurea rank miserable "Tut, tut," interrupted the sympathe tic friend, carefully testing the strength ^J KS of a tabourette before sitting down on it. "Why tbisjjudden depression? v* "It isn't a matter of depression it's a matter of im- pression," corrected the girl artist, pulling a screen in front of her last night's supper table. "What do you think of an impressionist who cannot make an impression?" and she faced her sympathetic friend with a how-can-you-answer- that glance, which froze him to the tabourette. "But I thought you had, you know. Your paintings" "It isn't my paintings it's my pies," was the aston ishing rejoinder, "and if I've made an impression it's the very worst possible one I could make. Listen, and you shall hear. You remember how well my two subjects were hung at the exhibition last week? Well, I had worked over those things for six months and my whole future depended on them. "Perhaps you heard that a certain millionaire was seen admiring them. Well, he did more than that. He offered to buy them and even went so far as to make an appointment to call and see me about the prices and to look at more of my work. You don't know what that means to an artist who has been living on tea and hope, with an occasional bologna sausage, for two solid years. The very thought of what might result from that call from a real live million aire made me choky in the throat and shivery all over. I had even planned to pay my three months' back rent and had picked out a nice new stylish studio on the strength of it. I got to feeling so merry and wealthy o\er it that I decided to ha\e a real dinner with my last spare change. I went straight out and bought a steak and a bottle of wine and a beautiful custard pie, one of the wrick creamy kind, you know, with white fluffy dubs all over the top of it and a crust like snowflakes. I was madly reckless. Thus does suc cess turn the youthful head. 'NO, HE WON'T COME BACK." "When I was ready to receive my millionaire and had lighted a fire in the grate that doesn't work, and hidden ev- erything hideable under the bed, I put the pie out on the windjwsfQ drew the inside curtains so that you never couLfofajtv^ seen it without staring impolitely. '#W course, I was horribly nervous and kept running to the dressing table to daub powder on my nose and poking the fire and peeking out of the window every time the door bell rang. At last the bell ga\e a funny little conventional tinkle that might have been either an apathetic capitalist's or a timid drummer's. I had a premonition that it was my cus- tomer this time, however. I sneaked to the window and peered cautiously out. But the visitor, whoever he was, was standing just a few inches too far inside the doorway to be seen from my point of vantage. Curiosity got the better of discretion with me, and, very carefully, so as not to make it creak, I opened the window and leaned out. I had scarcely touched the sill when there was a whirl of something white and yellow thru the air, a splash and then a crash I shrieked and clapped my hands to my eyes. When withdrew them all I could see was the receding figure of a portly gentleman in a frock coat flying madly down the street with my custard pie reposing on the top of his silk hat and dripping over his face and shoulders like Niagara Falls in winter. No, he won't come back. Don't attempt to console me! I'll never be able to swallow another mouthful of cust ard pie again as long as I live without choking! Every hope I've got in the world was squashed with that pie!" And the tears rolled down her cheeks and fell into the fire in the grate.New York Pres# THE MINNEAPOLIS JOURNAL. *T I pork S A String of Good Stories 7 caaaot tall how tha truth may be: I say tha tale aa 'twap^sald to ma." THE OATMEAL DODGE. TT REMINDS me of the oatmeal dodge," said John M. I Collins, Chicago's chief of police. He was speaking of an ingenious swindle that had been worked successfully on a dentist. "The oatmeal dodge," he continued, "was worked on a grocer in the suburbs. A map entered the shop and engaged the grocer in con versation. While they talked another man came in. 'Do you sell oatmeal?' the newcomer asked. 'Yes, sir,' said the grocer, rubbing his hands. 'The very best. How much "But the man interrupted. 'I just wanted to know,' he said. 'Good day.'\ And he walked out. "The grocer, looking a little disappointed, resumed his conversation with the stranger. In a few minutes a second man appeared. 'Do you sell oatmeal?' he asked. 'Yes,' the grocer answered. Thank you. Good day.' "And this man also disappeared. 'Well, what the deuce?' exclaimed the grocer. 'But, as we were saying, he resumed, and the interrupted conversa tion went briskly qji. "Soon a third man entered the shop. He said: 'Do you sell oatmeal?' 'Yes,' the grocer snapped. 'Thank you. Good day.' "And this, man departedon a run. For "the grocer, thoroly enraged at last, had seized a club, and rushed upon him. He had, however, a clean pair of heels. The grocer was unable* to overtake him. So, after a chase of a hundred yards or so, he returned breathless. He found the first man gone. The shop was empty. So was the till. "Once more the oatmeal dodge had succeeded." CHRONIC GRUMBLERS. WENT to the high school with the late Charles T. i Yerkes," said a Philadelphian, "and afterwards I saw a good deal of him while he was in the banking business here. "What I liked about Mr. Yerkes was his disposition. He never complained or growled. He hated to hear growls or complaints. On this head there is a story about him that few old Philadelphians still remember. A tugboat captain, at a banquet one night, said that tugboat men were the champion growlers of the world. He said they growled especially about their food, that even at a banquet they would find something to complain of. "Mr. Yerkes doubted this. He declared it couldn't be true. There was an argument, with the upshot that, the next week, he took a run on the tug, and provided for the crew a sumptuous^ surprise dinner. "It was a roast turkey dinner, and when it was set be- fore the men, Mr. Yerkes and the captain were hidden in a place where they could see and hear all that went on. "The men looked very suspiciously at the fine roast turkey repast. Then one speared a big bird on a fork, and, holding it up, said: "'Go slow on this, boyi. If it wuzn't cheaper'n salt it wouldn't 'a* come our wav.' ,-i-.- -y THE DIFFERENCE. J.^ ALLEN, an -editor of Ottawa, Kan., while elec 1 tioneering for congress among the farmers of his prosperous district, took with him the champion cornhusker of the state. "Yoli see," said Mr. Allen to a reporter, "while I argue and plead, the cornhusker pitches in and husks corn for the farmer. 'Thus the farmer's time is not wasted. While he, stands "idle, listening to me, the cornhusker carries on the work of the farm for him. "Between listening while the work goes back and listen ing while the work goes forward there is not much of a dif- ference, yet it is one which has a renftrkable effect on the impression I create. In this way it is like a certain com pliment. "One man said to another: 'I pleased Mrs. Brown tremendously the other night by asking her if she was herself or her daughter. Said I couldn't tell them apart.' "The other man frowned. 'That's strange,' he muttered. I worked the same scheme on the daughter, and she didn't like it woith a cent.' I N THE DAY'S WORK. 1 SEE that Maxim Gorky is in Berlin, superintending 1 the production of his play, 'The Children of the Sun'," said a newspaper correspondent. "Later on he will come to America, and I will be glad to shake his thin, cold hand again. I met Gorky in Petersburg. He is delightful., He told me that a Russian soldier only gets about $2, or 3 rubles, a yearsay 5 copecks a day. "During the war, said Gorky, a private soldier stole a shirt worth half a ruble, and was condemned to be shot. "As he was being led away to death, his colonel met him. 'Ivan, Ivan,' said the colonel reproachfully, 'what a fool you were to risk your life for the sake of 50 copecks.' 'Colonel,' Ivan answered, 'I risk it every day for 5 copecks.' GOOD FOR HONEYMOONS. HOMAS NELSON PAGE is speeding the winter at Nice. 1 Nice is the largest city on the Riviera, and, next to Monte Carlo, it is the gayest and the most beautiful. Mountains rise behind the town. Indeed, in that country, the shore of the sea is altogether mountainous, and the rail road traversing it has innumerable tunnels. Mr. Page, on a February afternoon, was taking tea out of doors on the warm and sunlit pier that is called the Palais de la Jetee.' He complained of a railway journey from Genoa that he had made, and a young Englishman said: "Well, you came thru a lovely country, at least." "Perhaps I did," said Mr. Page "but it- was uncom monly like traveling thru a flute." THE POOR BARD. E looked.a little sadly around the poet's bleak^ bare attic, A nice" enough room," she said, "but how do you heat it?" "Well, when it gets too cold," saidJie^ I light a match." SUCCESS. \I70MAN certainly is havin' a big success of it in busi- VY ness," said Farmer Cornsilk. "Here's another o' them sepchagenarian millionaires makin' his 18-year-old typewriter gal his partner.' 9 I of efther ladies' or gentlemen's clothing. house furnishings, tapestry and even dyeing of carpets, can be done by us Our facilities are best in the entire northwest. Wr~~ Cf ChollyWhat is the safest way for me to go thru the slums? Mike De BiteYouse?' Why, I'd advise a closed carriage! THE PEST CLEANING^ FINE CUTLERY A full line of Carving Sets. Manicure Cases. Shaving Outfits, Toilet Articles. Cutlery Grinding. R. H. HEGENER, 207 Nicollet Ave.. Minneapolis. RESORTS HOTErCH^BERUNT^flT Old Point Comfort i\/V I Opn all tha jfx For Booklet! addiwa A J\l 6 AdMDi, Mp .Fortran aoaiea.Ta. W^*^ A To most points Southwest N A Sip of Coffee Comfort. If you feel that you cannot or perhaps, let us put it, that you should not drink coffee, here is a fact that will please you. It is called a fact because it can be proven to your full satisfaction, that Barrington Hall is a boon to all coffee* lovers who feel just as you do is the name that has the iovws wug icci jusi as you uo. BarriixgtoiCHall ^1^n~_i?"~~~* One-way colonist second-class, about half rate also round-trip homeseeken first-class, abov 75% of one-way farefirst and third Tues days. February and March. m^^^aM-i^M,*^ b*ofathpdcoffe*edusroceseanntannin-bear 2 Round-trip winter tourist to certain points in Colorado. New Mexico and Texas, daily until April 30. California One-way colonist, second-class. Feb. 15 to April 7. $34.90 from St. Paul ve ifr* o!Sf Ortjeeremovcd "steel-cutM"Barrington N and Minneapolis. $25 from Kansas City. Ry Guaruty Bid*.w Mnaeasonf..V FIRE-PROOF STORAGE ski which for brevity is called Hall, the steel-cut coffee," is the way tseople have come to know it. There is a reasonwhich will appeal to your judgment at the coffee will appeal to your most particular taste. The re- moval of the tannin is only one feature you can judge for yourself when you note the minute granules of uniform size as you examine it dry. Quality? Well we will leave that to people who are par* ticularthe more finicky about their coffee the better. Roasted, steel-cut, packed by machinery in sealed tins, and ^guaranteed by Baker & Co., Importers, Minneapolis. For sale by the better class of grocers at 35c per pound.} Low-Rate Excursions Southwest Californiadari The Largest In the WestThe Finest Anywhere. UnequaTed Facilities for Packinr, Moving. Storm? and Shipping Household Goods THE BOYD TRANSFER STORAGE CO. Warehouse. 400-410 B. Lake St. Main Olfic?. 46 S. Third St. Read ovei iour Journal want ad before you publish it Thlnfc how it will j sound to perbons who Knew nothing of your business. &&&&$>&>Q&$>^^ Ri^Q BS A|t A TS.