The Minneapolis journal. [volume], March 13, 1906, Page 18, Image 18

About The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939

Image provided by: Minnesota Historical Society; Saint Paul, MN

                
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With the Long Bow
*T*HE municipal campaign at Sioux City has been compli-
|"l sated by Health Officer Fred Lerch's whiskers. Dr.
'Lerch wears a thick matting of tangled undergrowth the
original soil of which he has not probed for some time.
City Physician Ross is an extremist in the matter of ex-
cluding the possibility of infection, two ordinances, the anti-
spitting and the sidewalk fruit-stands or peddlers' carts
measure, being the result of his activity along this line. Ross
declares that 20,000,000 vindictive punkococci lurk superflu
ous in Lerch's facial jungle ready to pounce on the careless
"patient who falls into his hands. He shows how Lerch's
duties/ touching quarantines, take him continually where
deadly disease prevails, and how his luxuriant facial adorn
ment affords attractive lair for the insidious microbe.
Lerch's whiskers are the joy of his existence. In the
midst of his hard duties he thinks of the facial embellish
ment that is his, and his heart swells. He declares that he
jl- disinfects them frequently. He is furious over the agitation
of the matter, and declares that he will rtot have his whiskers
sacrificed to the whim of a lot of silly medical skates who
gl don't know the difference between tummyache and appen-
||*dicitis until after the autopsy. He declares that the idea
sgr of a microbe finding a harbor there is preposterous. His is ait
JL, appointive office and he wants the place again. Nominally
18? he is a democrat, but he will doubtless affiliate with the side
in the present fight who will promise to keep the city physi
cian from sinking shafts into his whiskers and dragging a
few microscopic peterodactyls to light.
*S Sioux City "is at white heat over what is known as the
I
whiskers issue. There is a report that Dr. Ross has had made
_j| some transverse microscopic slides of sections of whiskers,
showing beautiful romanesque factories with their microbic
inhabitants busily engaged in turning out a superior brand
of canned contagion. These slides he will exhibit in the
It public square by throwing them on a screen with limelight.
The issue is now clearly joined. The best opinion is now that
Sioux City will vote whiskers this spring.
lttt
This is the day of Excelsior's trial. The nifty little
suburb dominating the lake is deciding whether to poison
itself and its friends.
A man in the southwest had so much nervous energy to
spare that when his mule's will and his crossed he tried to
persuade the intelligent animal by a firm, well-placed kick
located on the mule's abdomen. You should never play an-
other's game with him and expect to show up well at the
finis. The mule is not only a Ph.D. in the graceful art of
kicking, but he has the science of it by heredity and by
enjoyment of the game.
When he felt the kick and saw with the white of one
of his eyes the man recovering from the recoil of the kick,
he merely moved his left rear corner slightly and stubbed
his hoof on his owner so severely that the man is now in
the hospital and has had fourteen stitches taken on his bump
of" perspicacity.
The foolish man sits in at the mule's own game, but the
wise man persuades his friend to try it and watches results
from a position 30 yards to the left.
Dr. Bixby has abolished hades once or twice. Last
week Dr. Torrey, the evangelist, ga\e his statement of the
case to a startled Philadelphia audience. It does not co-
incide with Dr. Bixby's kindly view. Dr. Torrey said:
"Hell is absolutely certain. It is certain because experi
ence, observation and commonsense prove it to be. The
only things against it are the dreams of poets and the specu
lations of philosophers.
'Hell is a place where those who go to it have their bodies
subjected to the mtensest of bodily suffering forevei and
**It4is a place where the severest suffering that can be
~p imaginedthe suffering of memoryis the chief toiture.
E, IK where men and women exist in the severest and most terrible
of suffering. "It is the insane asylum of the universe, wheie men and
women remember!"
f.
Tuesday Evening,
-"fiV nature's walks, shoot tolly as it Silas,
Sioux City Voting on the Question of Whiskers or No
WhiskersHealth Officer Lerch's Microbism Wild Gets
Into PoliticsCity Physician Ross' Noble Crusade for a
Whiskerless Health Department.
is the hospital of the incurables of the universe,
aWy no school of religious thought denies that evil
suffering, heie^ or hereafter. The question that is
generally against Dr. Torrey's hell is this:
#& If God is the great physician, how can there be any "in-
$ durables"?
1&t Technical World ^oes at length into the matter of wooden
clothes. Thee material resemblesg a stiff, cloth, and is
apparentlty as durable as leather. It is not improbable that
r*
cheap suits, costin about 5thick 0 cents and guai
i*a anteed to last for years, will be made of spruee or pine,
'Napkins, shirts, collars of the finest quality, have long been
made"from the fiber of hemp and in using wood for heavier
*J cloth/the process is equally simple. The wood is first ground
into a soft pulp, and this pulp is pressed thru holes in iron
plates. It comes out in long ropes about one-half an inch in
diameter. These ropes, which are very easily broken at this
stage, are dried, and then twisted rightly, till finally they
become as small as threads. With wooden clothes, a man's
vest if it gets to violent in color, is likely to warp on him
and crack so that he will be obliged to hunt the cabinet
maker in a hurry and get glued up. A. J. R.
What the Market Affords
beef, 10 cents a pound.
Sauerkraut, 10 cents a quart.
Strictly fresh eggs, 17 cents a dozen.
Creamery butter, 30 cents a pound.
Codfish balls, 30 cents a dozen.
Egg plant, 25 cents each.
Oatmeal crackers, 1,0 cents a pound.
Prunells, 20 cents a pound.
Eggs are used thru Lent more than at any other season
of the year, and the housewife will welcome any new wa\ of
preparing them. Fannie Merritt Farmer, in the Apul
Woman's Home Companion, has a recipe for planked eggs.
These are a decided novelty, and, like any planked dish, a
feast to the eye as well as to the palate. Butter an oval
plank and arrange a border of duchess potatoes, also cases
for eggs, using a pastry bag and tubV Put in the oven to
reheat and brown the potatoes, then slip a poached egg
each case. Garnish with halves of broiled or sauted toma
toes in season and parsley at all times.
Sienna eggs, as they are served in a restaurant, are pre-
pared in this way: Slice half a dozen hard-boiled eggs, put
a layer of them in a buttered dish, sprinkle them -with
grafed cheese, add another layer of eggs and then of cheese
and^ continue until all alfe used. Turn enough white sauce
over the dish to thoroly moisten it, cover the top with but-
tered crumbs and bake for ten minutes. Serve the eggs in
the bakingdish.
IM&fM \_
SO ENGLISH, YOU KNOW.
The New CodeBlawst me bloomin' h'qyes, HTve
dropped my H's.
IMPKJNS had been installed in his new Harlem
flat and got his lares and penates snugly set
tled less than a week before he wished that he
had stayed down in Forty-seventh street
-among the chorus girls and aspiring violinists.
It was all on account of his neighbor in the
M^ji next flat. The neighbor either had some trouble
with his door or entertained a grudge against
the landlord, for when he shut the door at
night he slammed it with a force that made Simpkins, who
is nervous, nearly jump out of his skin.
It was not an ordinary slam. Simpkins felt he could
have stood that, for he really did think the door might have
stuck a little. It was a seiies of slams, a regular bombard
ment, and it rattled the windows in Simpkins' apartment
and waked the baby out of his sleep.
The neighbor was methodical in his habits, and that got
on Simpkins' nerves, for it kept him in suspense. About
five minutes to 10 Simpkins would begin to fidget and look
at the clock. As the minute hand moved inexorably upward,
Simpkins would be in a state bordering pn collapse.& Just
as the hand pointed to the hour he would hear the sound
of creaking footsteps in the adjoining halland an awful
pause.
Thenbmg! BIFF! Banganother pauseBOOM! The
door was Arat at last, and Simpkins would drop back in his
chair in a cold sweat, while his wife went into the rear bed-
room to quiet the baby.
Simpkins grew desperate. He went to the superintendent
of the apartment house and ^complained. He got some en-
couraging promises and was comfortedfor one daty. The
Slamming was conducted on schedule time that night, four
slams, ending in a BOOM! Simpkins asked the name of his
neighbor, thinking he would call and make a personal pro-
test. The elevator boy said the disturber's name was Budge.
He met Budge in the
hall the next morning and
decided he would not pro
test. Budge was about 7
feet tall and Iqoked as if
he had Simpkinses on toast
for breakfast every morn-
But Simpkins, altho
not a bruiser, when it
came to avenge wrongs,
was full of wile. He got
away from his office early
that afternoon and paid a
\isit to eveiy little shop
on Sixth avenue between
Thirty-fifth and Fifty
ninth streets that looked
as if it might have on
hand some old Fourth of
July accessories. He was
beginning to get discour
aged when he finally found
a man who happened to
have a box of giant tor
pedoes left over from last
Fourth of July.
About half-past 9 that
night Simpkins stole soft
ly into the hall". He car
ried with him a brush well
smeared with glue.
Budge's door was slightly
LAY BACK IN HIS CHAIR, KICKING
Hf$ HEELS i 3CBXAC&
ajar, as usual. Simpkins sidled quietly up to it, daubed glue
o\ er the top of a torpedo where the paper was twisted, stuck
it onto the jamb of the door and held it there until he was
ceitain it was fastened securely. He put another one on in
the same fashion, then crept quietly back into his own little
nest.
It was hard work for him to wait for 10 o'clock that
night, but the minute hand finally indicated the" approach
of the fateful hour. There was a stir in the next apartment,
"It was a detonating, reverberating roar* magniaVd ten-
fold by the echoes down the corridors.
Gracious! what is that moaned Mrs. SimpkinW*
But Simpkinsthe nervous Simpkinslay back in his
chair, kicking his heels in eestasy.
It was a grand commotion they had out in- the hall that
night. NeighborsSimpkins thought he never had seen so
many people as those that came up to see who had been
shot. Budge tried to explain. 'But he couldn't. He didn't
know how. And Simpkins^ stood in his doorway innocently
asking questions, while all the rest complained about the
noise Budge had been making every night.
Next day Budge had one of those patent chains put on
his door, and now Simpkins doesn't even hear him as he
closes up for the night.New York^jPress.
THE MINNEAPOLIS JOURNAL. M.
fp
S
E-
THREE
F^V*-
4
& &
A String of Good Stories
"IcmBBot tall h.ow iha troth may 6m
I amy tbo tale aa 'tw*s said to ma.
THE PRODIGAL'S RETURN. 1 *&%>
OLOMON HOMER, the brilliant Choctaw Indian, said
at his home in Caddo that he needed to be a very intel
ligent and industrious Indian who would go
out-*~~*
world and make a name. ^H*
tl 'I don't know,' the youth answered.
FRANCOISn
TOO frEAK TO LEAN ON.
M. BARTLETT of Omaha, who is one of the directors
of the American Trotting association, said of a hard
driver:
"The man's horses keep s^o lean and poor that they re-
mind me of a huckster whom I knew in my boyhood.
This' huckster drove a gray horse that was the thinnest
creature your mind can conceive of. Its huge, long head
drooped at the end of a neck that resembled a pump-handle,
and its ribs stuck out thru ihe tight skin pitiably.
"The huckster one day left the horse in charge of his
son. When he came back, the animal was lying on the
ground. Thereupon he said angrily to the lad:
'Aha, you'\e been leaning on him again, have you?'
I il
WHERE THERE'S NO LATITUDE.
OURKE COCKRAN, apropos of Stf Patrick's day, told
an Irish story.
"There was an Irish schoolmaster," he said, "who was
examinirig a class in geography one day.
'Now, my lad,' he said to a clever little chap, 'tell us
what latitude is.'
"The clever little chap smiled and winked.
'Latitude?' he said. 'Oh, sir, there's none o' that in
Ireland. Sure, the English don't allow us any, sir.'
NOT WHAT E WANTED.
American tiavelers met at a small country hotel.
They were sitting on the porch swapping yarns, when
a farmer drove up.
"None of you fellers is a preacher, I suppose?" he
asked.
None of them was. The farmer continued:
"You see, my hired man's dead. The reg'lar minister's
out of town, an' I don't want to put the poor feller away
without no religious doin's of any kind, so I thought as how
maybe one of you might help ine out."
It finally was decided that the traveler for windmills
should say something for the "late lamented." The land
lord took them out in his wagon that afternoon. A cheap
coffin stood on two chairs.-* Several farmers were around.
The windmill man braced up. He pitched a tune for them.
Then he said:
"My friends, death is sad. But, sad as it is, it must
come to all. Hardly was our friend here prepared for death
when along it cameandhe took to his bed. He had been
carrying water for the stock from a long way off. The exer
tion pulled him down. Had this farm been supplied with
one of our 'None-Can-Beat-It* windmills, capable of pump
ing 20P gallons a minute, this man's life would
"Hold up a bit," interrupted the farmer. "I've got
that very kind of a windmill, an' if the pesky thing hadn't
got out of order an' fell down on Jim he'd be here alive now.
Proceed, brother, but like as not you'd better skip windmills.
Say somethin' 'bout the good die young, an' so on."
But the windmill man led off with the Doxology and had
the thing done in three minutes.Tit Bits.
EVIDENTLY.
BrownYes, they say that everything Smith earns goes*
on his wife's back.
JemesWeB, eviden% be does not earn muchTatlei.-
r* tt
0mm
into
the*
**J
"Many Indians," he said, "go out into the world, and
some of them, of course, succeed. Those who fail return
home, and that is a sad returning, for everyone sneers at
the young man whom the world has conquered and driven
back.
"It iff not* much of a welcome that the returned Indian
gets, even in "his father's house.
"There was Black Eagle, a Choctaw. He went to Chi-
cago, failed, and came back home. But he was afraid to go
to his father's house till an old man said:
'Are you going to your'father's, Black Eagle?'
'Go there,' said,the'old man, 'for you will be very wel-
come. There is no .doubt of it.'
"Heartened a Utile, fclack Eagle did go to his father's,
and the next day he met the old man again. j
"The old man smiled kindly.
'So the prodigal returned,' he said. 'And did your
father kill the fatted calf?'
'No,' Black Eagle answered, 'he didn't kill the fatted
calf, but he nearly killed the prodigal.'
THE GIRL AND THE BOOKMAKER.
head coachman to James Hazen Hyde, is of
herculea proportions, for it is fashionable to have im-
posing, gigantic men for this office.
Francois, who has worked for W. K. Tanderbilt and
Mrs. 0. H. P. Belmont, and "who, by request, led the corona
tion procession of the Russian czar, was recently the guest of
honor at a dinner of racing men.
The herculean Frenchman told at this dinner a story about
a girl and a bookmaker.
"There was a girl," he said, "who went to the races,
and was attracted by the betting.
"She mingled the crowd about the bookmakers. The
excitement prevailing there communicated itself to her spirit.
She approached a bookmaker and said:
'If I put a dollar on a horse, and it wins, how' much
do I get?'
'If the horse starts at 60 to 1,' the bookmaker an-
swered, 'you get $61. If it starts at 20 to 1, you get $21. If
it starts at 10 to 1, yon get $11.'
"The girl still looked puzzled.
'But,' she said, 'suppose iirstarts at 1 o'clock.'
tf
i
Umbrellas
Little Tots
SchootUmbrellas and Play
Umbrellas
14. 16, 20, 22 and 24-ineh for children
2 to 12 years of age.
Good Ones for SOc and 75c
610 Nicollet Ave.
Malta Store of Gloves
tha Other-Ualt
Umbrellas.
GAMOSSl GLOVE CO.
OOULARl
One of a Hundred Late Sty
ppfwppff^iPiinpniPPpnppiMnp
DiJly Puzzle Picture
March 13, 1881Twenty-fivo years ago today Alexander II of Russia was
assassinated.
Find Sophia Perovska, one of the assassins.
ANSWER TO YESTERDAY'S PUZZLE.
Upside dowiiunder horse.
NO. 20.
YOU SAVE MONEY WHEN
WE DO YOUR CLEANING
Not alone on our prices but on
the wear of the goods There's
not an article leaving our fac
tory that's not In as good or
better condition than when it
entered Pack up a few gar
ments and household articles
and have us call for them W
will demonstrate what wonders
can be worked.
Br.E.9.SuUi?ia
JEWEL
Dental Parlors,
Largest and
best equipped
Dental Offices
In Northwest.
'Cheap dentistry is not economical
dentistry Fay less than we charge
and you get less for your money Pay
more and you pay more than s
enough Our work is not expensive,
yet It is not "cheap." Our guarantee
really guarantees.
Plates $ 5 to $15
Gold Fillings S I 5 0 up
Crowns 8 5 to $10
Silver Fillings 50c to $ 1 OO
Office, 6th St. and Hennepin Av.
(Over Fruit Store) TelephoneT C.
10040 N W. Main 1606 Hours
8 30 a to 6 m. Sunday, 10 to 1
Active Season for Buying and SeU
ing of Cars Is at Hand,-*
This is the automobile trading
season It is the time to purchase
^or dispose of your machines.
There are hundreds of people con
sidering the purchase of cars, both
new and secondhand Scores of
others wish to sell In order to buy
a car of the 1906 model A a re
sult you can secure a machine now
and have the use of it during the
winter at a lower price than you
will have to pay in the spring.
Under the classification of Auto
mobiles" among the "Want Ads"
in today's Journal you will find
those that are listed for sale.
Veg-e-ton
Our new anesthetic for prevent
ing pain. Bell Suction Teeth,
$10 per set
Dr. C. L. Sargent,
DENTIST,
Syndicate Blk 621% Nicollet.
Don't fail to read the want ads
They make most valuable reading
matter.
i
SPRING SIOWINi Tn7ctl|
O
MEN' S BATS AN & "FIXINS'
Newest and nobbiest creations of
the world's famous makes of
"THINGS MEN WEAR."
New Spring Hats
Soft and Stiff
Beautiful Neckwear
Of Every Shade and Combination
Men's Hosiery
Silk or Lisle Plain or Fancy
Negligee Shirts
Exclusive Patterns in Splendid
Assortment
Underwear
Medium and Light Weight in Fa
vorite Materials.
A Veritable "Fcuhxon Skew" for Men who
matt thxa Store this Week.
W.V.WHIPPLE
Edison and Victor
TALKING
MACHINES
n Easy Payments
Styles!
Made in Exact Quarter Sizes by
FELLOWS t* CO Troy.N.'
"The Original Collar Maker*"
AUTOMOBILES
v.
1
K18W
VIOLINS^
3FJPJT-^gn"tTOS
^Genuine Old Violins,
Big Assortment,
$1.00 a Week.
When you want a musical
instrument go to one who
knowsthat's
ROSE,
Successor to
MET. MUSIC CO.,
Small Instrument Dent.
41-43 So. 6th St.
Expert Repairing:
DE MARS. THE OPTICIAN,
609 2nd Avenue So., gives
private Instruction In the
science of fitting glasses.
Call or write.
HiiiesotaPfeoflograpkCo.
mJt
Av
Send for Edison and Victor Catalog.
Store Open Evenings.
Headache
Nervousness, Dizziness, Indigestion,
Neuralgia are caused by sick nerves.
soothing the nerves and stimulat
ing their action. Dr. Mnes' Anti-Pain
Pills cure almost Immediately.
They contain nothing injurious and
you Trill never know veto have taken
them, except by relief the afford.
Dr.thMiles'y
Anti-Pain Pills
are a household remedy in thousands of
families, where they never fail to euro
all pain.
"I use Dr. Miles' Anti-Pain Pills for
headache and other pain I keep them
with me at the laundry, and when some
of my girls have headache, by giving
them the Pain Pflls they are relieved!
and remain at work, otherwise they
would go home and their work would b
left for others to do."
MRS T. FRANCISCO,
Forelady Laundry. Battle Creek, Mich.
The first package will benefit, if not,
the druggist will return your money.
26 doses, S5, Neyer sola tn bulk.
atmstetWMrosfc Smofas,8prsjaad "Spedtm"
UeTeoalytemporarily tkwcaaaot ear*, OarCOSSRrD'
TOWiXteeatment. foaaM IBM.
the CAVSI of Aathas aft
eUmiaatee
Man back the oHtymptognorattaeks. Write
SSLeontabiinjr rcporbof BUTJJIaatrstfae
BSaSUneCHKD forrear*. Mailea IUI
P. HAROU) HATBS, Buffalo. w.T,
-itttat
Write
POST UP ON THE
KOOCHICHING FALLS
COUNTRY
CALL OR WRITE-
The Enger-Nord Realty Ge.
r- 120 Temple Court, Minneapolis.
OLD SORES CURED
AUiEH'S ULCEBlHJS SAXiVE.
Cores Chronic Ulcers, Bone Ulcers, Varicose
Dicers, Scrofulous Vleers, Mercurial Ulcers,
Fever Sores, Gangrene, Blood Poisoning,
White8welling3lUkLeg,PolsonedWounds, All Sores of long atatunng. PoalttTely never falls
Orawa out all potion. Saves expense and suffering.
Cure* permanent Fortale by druggists Kail tftcand
ic. J. P. ALLKN MKDICIOO^ar. FAOX. Ho.
BESOKTS
Old Point Comfort VV
OpeBaUtheyaar farBeofchaiadaWs tX \ml
8ea.r adaau,K^ryFei4reis4BM*wTa m*r