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The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, November 08, 1906, Image 14

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At one time there lived in Worces
ter, Mass., an old negro who had a
tremendous influence, religious and po
litical, in the settlement where he
lived. He occupied a little house owned
by a prominent banker, but had suc
cessfully evaded the payment of rent
for many years. No trouble came, how
ever, until the banker was nominated
to run for a political office. The next
day the old negro came hobbling into
hiB office.
With the Long Bow
"feye nature's walks/shoot folly It flies."
,We Give the W. O. T. U. Yell aikd Ttotow Opt Ballot About a BodAn Exciting
We were deeply affected by tKe election. At 7 o'clock on the morning of
election day we came out into the yard, beat a rug and cave the W. C. T. IT. yell:
"White ribbonerst
White ribbonere!
Then we gave the Chautauqua salute,, made our way to the polls and voted
forlet's see, what was his name?/,''
k. A "worke?" met us at the livery
stable door, where the country is peri
odically saved' in that precinct, and
handed out ft card. We addressed him:
"My young friend," we said patron
izingly, "your candidate has no more
$ show of election than a chorus girl has
of being made president of the W. C.
T. IT. But that does not indicate that
wo do not intend to honor him by our
vote. Neither does it indicate that we
do. We preserve an impenetrable
silence as to our intentions."
."All us young bucks is voting for
this mug," he explained, indicating the
"Might I inquire what you young
bucks hope to gain in the way of civic
betterment by the election of your
"There's more fun with
going mayor."
"Of course, it's fun the city needs,
and it's fun we are all after. The
trouble is, people differ in their ideas
of fun. Some people enjoy a horserace.
To others horse emulation is a very
slow and melancholy affair. It only
proves that one horse goes quicker than
the other horse. I can work up no pos
sible interest in the pedal rapidity of
an ill-smelling, pavement-destroying
wild beast.,
Others, I am led to understand, find
enjoyment in absorbing poisonous
liquids, hollering *bmg' on the public
streets and undermining their constitu
tions by other riotous excesses."
"Say, old hoss, cut it out and go in an' vote for anybody you want ter."
"Thank you. That was the line of action we had laid out."
So we went in, threw two or three yards of Battenburg ballot with insertion
on the edge and worn en traine, and went back to breakfast with the sense of
having at least done the proper thing, no matter whether our candidate got the
ax or the office. At eventide we gave the Belief corps yell and retired thankfully
to bed, not worrying much about results
Lisbon, N. D., according to the Free Press, has been interested in watching
E. 0 Chase suddenly moving. Mr. Chase sold his house and commenced building
on Harris boulevard. But he had to move out of his old place quick. Nothing
better showing up, he moved into a cook car on the tracks. As that proved
rather contracted, he left it for the granary. From this soot he was crowded
out by the wheat, and so left for the chicken coop. The chickens coming home
to roost, Mr. Chase chased himself and family into the barn.
There he now comfortably sits in the big doors watching George W. Fergu-
son's trotter sprint up the avenue with all the rapidity and dash of a small
shining schoolboy going unwillingly to school in the morning. Under pressure,
Mr. F. 's horse is said by the Free Press to make a mile in ten minutes. George
likes fast horses.
False teeth are mounting in value by leaps and bounds. In the last month
the increase in price has reached $1 a set. What makes the artificial bites so ex-
pensive is the scarcity of platinum. This metal is used in pinning the porcelain
tooth to the plate. It is the only metal that Will resist the great heat necessary
to fuse the porcelain.
For similar reasons platinum is the only substance that can be used in the
manufacture of electrical contact points and conductors, and this industry is one
cause of the shortage.
The famine in wholesale and r%tail teeth is likely to be alarming unless more
platinum or some other metal equally tough is found. The popular idea that any
pair of old horse shoes may be fitted to the mouth and studded with teeth, pro-
vided only that the dentist is skillful enough, is an error. It takes carefully
selected materials and expensive ones to throw together a set of food choppers
that a man can wear in his countenance without getting a hot box on the max-
H. E. Chase and Mrs. Alice McCoy of Cleveland gave a spiritualistic seance
at Ashland, Ohio, Among $hose present was the gentleman from Missouri who
gave up his dqllar willingly but insisted on the usual Missourian necessity of
visible proofs. ThjS Missourian was a professor in the college.
All went well until the Indian chief's ghost, with feathered headgear, made
advances to Bev. Charles F. Yoder of Ashland university. Professor Yoder se-
cured a handful of feathers, and then something happened. Something biffed the
professor so hard that the blow stunned him. Mr. Chase spent the night in the
police station, and at the close of his hearing was given a fine of $25 and costs.
The Indian must have enjoyed the occasion much, unless possibly his proclivities
for war have been changed.
High school classes at Marlon, Ohio, were dismissed the other day. Some
young gentlemen had stuffed all cracks and crevices in the room with limburger
cheese and the delicacy was loud and pervasive in its complaints. Janitors and
others spent the day cleanBing and fumigating, but even after all their attempts,
there was considerable Dutch noise heard about the building. If the janitors
could have secured a half-nelson on the criminals, they stated freely that they
would have held them right up next to the cheese. A. J. R.
"Well, Sam," said the banker, "I
suppose you've come in to pay me some
"Oh, no, boss," replied the old man.'
"I'se just come in to say I's glad yo
is nominated, 'and will tell de res' of
dese no 'count niggers to vote fo' yo,
and to mention to yo at de same time
dat de roof of my house is a leakin',
Moment at the Polls as We Save the CityGood Advice Freely Offered
Political Workers at the Polls.
an easy-
an' if it ain't fixed -111 have to move
out directly."Lippincott's.
In a discussion of a recent brutal
prize fight, a young lady of Charleston
asked Dr. Ellison Capers, bishop of
South Carolina, if he did not disap
prove of prize fighting.
"On the contrary," Dr. Capers an
swered, I approve of it heartilv. You
see, it always offers the probability of
two brutes getting a good thrashing."
A seat on the Stock Exchange,"
said the first senator, "has been sold
for $80,000."
"Dear, dear," said the second sena
tor "that's nearly as much as my seat
here cost me."
"The strangest and most thrilling
piece of swordsmanship I ever saw,"
Said the fencing master, "was in Ver-
I was spending the autumn in a
mountainous part of Vermont, and
there was a military encampment near
my hotel.
"Well, one morning^ an officer's
horse started to bolt with the man dur
ing parade, and made at breakneck
speed towards a tremendous precipice.
"The officer tried to stop the horse,
tried to turn its headno use. On
dashed the frantic animal straight for
this abyss 300 feet in height.
"We all held our breath. In an
other instant we expected to see horse
and rider go over the cliff. But instead
a strange thing happened.
"The officer, within fifty feet of the
edge, drew his sword, and plunged it
twice, deep into the horse. The horse
staggered, slowed, keeled over, dying.
"The man had sacrificed the ani
mal's life to-save his own."
"What!" cried the cripple. A hun
dred dollars for this wooden leg! Why,
man, are you crazy?"
But the dealer shook his head.
I know the price is high," he said,
"but you must remember, sir, that ours
is a great town for automobiling."
It is the Goal Man.
Curios and Oddities
At the end of his examination the
pure food expert looked up gravely.
"Your candy, sir," he said, "has
one good and one bad quality."
"Wjll you explain that, professor?"
said the confectioner, with an air half
pleased and half grieved.
The expert, toying with a test tube,
"It is good because it contains no
saccharin bad because it contains no
The Latest Dance.
"I'm goin' ter my uncle's dancin'
school, I am."
".What kind doeB he teach!"
"Saint Vitas."
Some variety artists, over a mid
night luncheon of mashed potatoes and
sausages, talked about the fakes of
their art.
"Of course, you know how fake
hghtnin' sketchm' is done," said a
dancer. "The sketcher is coin' to do,
say, Abe Lincoln. Well, Abe is drawn
pale, invisible outline on the black
board, and all that needs to be done
is to draw the chalk quickly over
them faint lines."
I am an imprombtu poet," said a
second artist. "You call up to me
from the audience any subject you've
a mind to, and I rattle off a poem on
the subject at once. This is a fake,
of course. There ain't no poet livin'
could do that. The fake is worked
this way: I have"A lot of stock sub
jects with poems already composed,
subjects like the coming election, or
the peekaboo waisfc? or -the Vanderbilt
cup, and if you calSup such a subiect
to me, well and afioaI'm prepared
for you. But if yd call up a subject
I'm not equal to, I ignore you, and,
pretending to be speaking to a man in
the back of the house, I say, 'The com
ing election? Very good, sir. Thank
you, sir. Here goes*
'Whoever wins, I hope that I
Will get the job for which I sigh.
The work is light, and yet the pay
Is seven lovely plunks a day.
Whoever wins, I hope, begob.
I get the job, I get the iob!'
I used to be fired from a cannon
in my youth," said an elderly man.
I was'called 'M&s Claire,' and I
wore a blonde wig' and pjnk -Silk tights.
Of course, it Was
Wf spring, and not
gunpowder, that sen* me fifty feet thru
the air into a big .net. A dangerous
trick, at that. I once broke a leg at
it. This trick has altogether gone out
of fashion. I don't believe it has been
once done in the last fifteen years."
In a Bakery.
LadyWhere did you work
Traveling IkeRollin' mill.
Kind LadyThen you know all about
rolling iron?
Traveling IkeNo rolls.
"It is wickeder to adulterate a
man's food than to pick his pocket.
Who steals my purse steals trash, but
he who filches from me my good health
well, he's a possible murderer."
The speaker, pushing away with hor
ror, a dish or preserved strawberries,
went on:
"The Germans actually do regard it
as wickeder to adulterate a man's food
than to steal from him, and they pun
ish the food adulterator twice as se
verely as the pickpocket.
"In a German court I once saw a
shabby pickpockethe had stolen two
dollarssentenced to six months' im
prisonment. Directly afterwards a
millionaire canner was convicted of
adulterating canned beans with a
chemical that was likely to give you
erysipelas or quinsy. With us the
canner would have gotten off with a
fine, but the German judge indignant
ly sentenced him to two years.
'And I regret,' the German judge
added, 'that the law does not allow
me to make your sentence harder,
A certain professor was giving his
a lecture on "Scotland and the
cots." "These hardy men," he said,
"think nothing of swimming across the
Tay three times every morning before
Suddenly a loud burst of laughter
came from the center of the hall, and
the professor, amazed at the idea of
"anyone daring to interrupt him in the
^niddle of his lecture, angrilv^asked the
offender what he- meant by such con
I was lust thinking, sir," replied
the lad, "that the poor Scotch chaps
would find themselves on the wrong
side for their clothes when they land-
ed!' 'Lippincott 's.
A String of
J: Ciooa Stories
"I cannot tall how the troth may b
oay the tale as 'twas told to ma."
lu .c
'Jfe '"V
Bishop Coleman of Delaware was de
scribing in Wilmington Some of the
adventures that had marked his sum
mer walking trip thru Pennsylvania
and Maryland. For many years the
bishop has deyoted his vacation to
walking, covering ten days 200 miles
or moie.
sexton of a quaint old Mary-
said, ^showed me
thru the cool, dim building one warm
afternoon, and, as we were departing,
pointed to the Bible on the lectern
and smiled. 'A strange thing happened last
Sunday connection with that Bible,'
he said. 'We had a strange minister
preaching here, and when he opened
book he came upon a notice and
it out with all due solemnity.
It was a request for the congre
gation's andd prayers
ess, who ha been deeplrfo
afflicted by the loss of his wife.'
The sexton paused and chuckled
'Yousee sir,' he said, 'our regu
lar minister had been using that paper
as a book-marker more than a year, and
John Q. Griggs, a natty gray suit,
sat in a front pew with the new wife
he had taken just the week before.'
A New Haven man was praising the
late Judge David Torrence of Derby,
"Judge Tonence," he said, "ut-
tered many an epigram from the bench.
In a case concerning a noise nuis
ance a scientist was once testifying
before him about the speed of'sound
Sound,' said the man, 'travels at
the rate of 400 yards a second.'
found?' asked Judge Torrence.
'All,' replied the scientist
"The judge smiled.
'I'm sure you're wrong,' he said.
I have noticed a great difference be
tween the speed of certain kinds of
sound. Thus, slander travels at the
rate of quite 1,000 yards a second flat
tery 800 yards, while truth makes only
a few feet a second, and, slow as its
progress is, truth often fails to reach
the goal, no matter how short the dis
Small Boy (catching sight of Algy's
chrysanthemum). Oh, look there, Mr.
Spooner has got sister's powder puff in
his buttonhole.Ally Sloper.
Captain Homer W. Hedge, president
of the Aero club, said in Pittefield,
apropos of a very dangerous balloon
"This reminds me of a visit that was
paid to the aeronautical editor of a cer
tain newspaper by a solemn man
'The new aero club is doing well,
I believe?' the visitor began.
'Yes,' said the editor. 'We have
already ninety members.'?
'Good! And ascensions ^will soon
begin, eh?"
'They will begin within the week.'
'Now, eir,' said the man in black.
'I will pay you $1 a line if you will
state in your "answers to correspond
ents" column that the quickest and
best way to descend in a balloon is to
bore a hole in the gas bag.'
"The editor shook his head.
'It's a liberal offer,' he said, 'but
I'm afraid we can't accept it.'
'The man in black sighed. 'I am
eorrv,' he said, and he walked out.
'Who is that man?" asked a sten
ographer, looking up from his desk.
'That,' the editor replied, 'is our
now coroner. He is paid by the -job.'
William Jennings Bryan, describing
his world tour in New York, praised
the Ceylonese.
"The Ceylonese," said Mr. Bryan,
"are the politest, the urbanest, the
most tactful people you can imagine.
"They have a proverb that gives
some idea of their delicacy. This
proverb says*
"It is safer to pull the tail of a
tiger than to call a lady's attention to
her first gray hair.'
When the candidate for legislative
honors did not wish to answer a ques
tion he was never at a loss for ways
to avoid it
"Where do you stand on the question
of women's suffrage?" asked an aus
tere and influential person, his hostess
at small dinner.
The tactful man turned to her with
a gallant but deprecatory smile. "My
dear madam," he said gently, "have
you the heart to ask me to stand any
where after such a dinner as I've eaten
bvember 190^
and Laces
cleaned with skill and care.
Don't risk disappointment, send
them to us and we will return
them clean, fresh and dainty at
a little expense
Zd NtO
Cer. Fourth Ave. and Fourth St.
It PRINTS and ADDS Simultaneously.
What does it cost you per day to foot your
Do you know that the footing is correct?
G, With the Elliott-Fisher machine after allow-
ing for investment, upkeep and depreciation it costs
less than twenty cents per day and
You know that the footing is correct.
Ask for a demonstration,
Btst on Earth. Expert Repairing.
When you want a
208 So. Fourth St. George B. Penney, Mgr.
Catalog- Free.
mutmT)f\C 1} 41-43
teal tnttrument oo *ft{/#E So Sixth
one who knows that'e- Btreet.
Caton College
253 2nd Av So., City
Established 20 years.
8000 graduates.
Business, Shorthaad,
Telegraphic, English.
Normal courses, dar
and evening
Circulars Free.
J. CATON, Pres
To cure
"lan hunger"
you should go
C.C. Carpenter, Pass.
Agt, A. T. & S. F
Ry., Guaranty Build-
ing, Minneapolis.
and buy a farm.
Had you doneso ten years ago, or even five, you would be well
off to-day, merely by increase in land values.
There is still some good land lefc.
Take a trip through the "Santa Fe Southwest" this Fallx and
see the country for yourself. ,*T
\cv*MHm or irs\
1000-2 Nicollet Ave.
Exact rates on request.
Santa Fe Southwest
first and third Tuesdays, monthly, approxi
mately half fare, one way*and round trip.
Ask far "lanta. Tt Sootfawarf" folder, *bo
"Tm V, S. G*rt. Lauds"* folder and cosy of
"Xhe Earth," to* Saata. Z monthly mm*,
fnt un janrnaL

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