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M HIE SALT LAKE TlllBDNE, .SUNDAY AlOKdL'tt, lfJUBHUAEY 4, 1U12.
m Pictures by Albert Levering . , Cousin Wko ame Cognizant )ur Slirtcom-i B deck of a Trans -Atlaji-SkifT a certain Old avelcr. who owed allegi reorge. and Mary, reclin Cen'ical Vertebrae with Jhawl around him, and ur Native Land. 1 the American in the mer Chair that he had )le to get his Tea at the ir and out in that place nnie-Apples the stupid jver had heard of Bloat reakfast. Furthermore, ot seen his Boots again jing them outside the llricago. ouses were overheated Railway Carriages were hose at Home and the were Forward Chaps lould not be added with because it was not be jolly glad to escape Wretched Hole and get is own Lodgings where ro into Cold Storage and itit of Mutlon and Brus lts as often as desired, kee cringed under the (1 then fully agreed with I amphibious Albion. lie vera a new and crude 10 did not know how to biwenmg Clothes or eat Stil wfese and our Politicians r. sBrnipt and Murderers went led, Yrhile the Average Isis0'8 &t Formula 1 UK oit f0.r,1Lula- obtainable for lcSt lentratd pLcrIne a' half an lC pint o ??05?S,f d ut them V toko onS Po ,!,,Bey- s'akc it tf 'JHHnent with ,0,eaoJ? 1,0l,BC VMwnttrA Preparations h0- Citizen was a dyspeptic Skate af flicted with Moral Strabismus. Then he retired to his State Room to weep over the Situation and the. British Subject said : ''The American is a Poltroon, for he will not defend his own Hearth and Fireside." A Cook's Tourist from Empo ria, Kansas, dropped into the Va cant Chair. When the Delegate from The Rookery, "Wormwood The Emporia Man said them were more Bath Tubs to the Square Mile out in his Burg than you could find in the West End. of London and more Paupers and Beggars in one Square Mile of the East End of London than you could find in the whole State of 'Kansas. He said there were few er Murders in England because good Opportunities were "being overlooked. He said he could Tip any one "He had been unable to get his Tea at the usual Hour and out in that place called Minnie-Aoples the stupid Waiter never had hoard of BloaterB for Breakfast." Scrubs, Isling, S. E.. resumed his scorching Arraignment of the U. S. A., he got an awful Rise out of the Boy from the Corn Belt. in England, except, possibly, the Archbishop of Canterbury. It was his unbiased opinion that London consisted of a vast Swann of melancholy Members 'of) the Middle and Lower Glasses -of! the Animal Kingdom -who ate Sponge Cake with Seeds in .it, drank! Tea., Smoked Pipes and rode on Buses, and thought they were living. ' Stundin'g bcnea.lh the rippling folds of Old Glory the proud Cit izen of the Great Republic de clared that we could wallop Great Britain at any Game from Polo up to Prize-Fighting and if we cut down on the Food Supplies the whole blamed Runt of 'an un dersized. Island would starve to death in a' Week. With quivering Nostrils, he heaped Scorn and Contumely up on any race that would call a Pie a Tart. "Lrconclusion he expressed Pity for those who never. had wast ed Corn .on the Cob. After the had gone up to the Bridge Deck to play . Shuft'le Board, the Representative of the Tightest little Island on the Map took out his Note-Book and made the following Entry: "Every Beggar living in the States is a Bounder and a Braggart." ! . That evening in the Smoke Room he began to pull his favor ite Specialty of ragging the Yanks on a New Yorker, who interrupt ed him by saying : "Really I know nothing about my own country. I spend the Winter in Egypt, the Spring in London, the Summer in Carlsbad, and the Autumn in Paree." So the Traveler afterward re ported to a. Learned Society that the Typical American had be come a denatured Expatriate. MORAL No Chance. Trie New Fatls of tts Juvenile Wo Studied Mankind and Laid His Plans Accordingly. ONCE there was a Kid who wore a uniform that fit him too soon and a Cap on one Ear. His Job was to answer the Canals of Mars "by a White Streak, Presumably Snow, Which itart ty Obliterates Thein. From Dra-tfiiisl I by Schiapnrolli. 9 Buzzer and take Orders from any one who could show 25 Cents. In the Morning he might be acting a.s Pack-Pony for some Old Lady on a Shopping Spree and in the Afternoon he would be deliv ering a Ton of Coal. lie had been waved aside by Butlers and ordered about by Blonde Stenographers and ;joshed by Traveling Salesmen until his Child-Nature was as hard and flinty as that of the She-Purser I in a swell Tavern who lately has cashed one that proved to be Pho ney. ; In answering the Call of Duly ho had gone to the Dressing, Room and taken a private Flash at the Magazine Beauty before she be gan to attach the Hair or spread the .Enamel. He had stood m the private Lair of. the Sure-Thingers when they were cooking up some new Method of collecting much In come without moving out of their Chairs. i "They fell to talking of the Future and what it might have in Store for a Bright Boy who could keep on the Trot all day and sustain himself by eating Cocoa-Nut Pie." He had stood by while Hus bands, -with the Scotch standing high in the Gauge, collaborated on the Lie which was to pacify Jiltle Katisha, waiting in the Flat. Before delivering this Master- MH piece of Fiction lie would have to fl do a little Sherlockiug and 'finally 3 locate Katisha in one of thosi; Places where they serve it iir-Tea- In the ironies of the Rich and Great where he delivered Orchids and Invitations and perfumed Re- i grcts he would overhear Candid Expressions which indicated that every Social Leader was t Lying to 1 slip Knock-Out Drops into some- 1 body else's Claret Cup. fH Around the Haunts of Business fl he would stand on one Foot while the Boes carefully worded the Message which was to read like a H Contract while leaving a Loop- H Hole about the size of the Hud- H son Tunnel. H One night the Kid was return- ing homeward ivith a Comrade in Misery. As the Trolley -carried them toward that portion of the 1 City -where Children are still in 9 Vogue, they fell to talking of -the f Future and what it might have Ufl in Store for a Bright Boy who lj could keep on the Trot all day fH ad sustain himself by eating Co- H coa-Nut Pie. H The Comrade hoped to be a Vaudeville" Actor but the Kid said, fm after some Meditation: ''"During pfll the past Two Years I have min- H gled in all Grades of Society and LH I have decided to round out my lfl Career by being a .Dccp-Sea Di- H MORAL A little Learning is fl a dangerous thing and a good deal fl of it is Suffocating. 'fll rfars, a Miniature Earth; Evidence of Highly Intelligent Race on Planet I a1Br Alfred Rordame. 4 k13 5)eej1 called a miniature Hnrt'p.. and in the tclescoiic at . K'Bt Klance it has Uic aspect. ' jjjMji. miniature, that the earth has 11 tJHj? Iec'n frIr the planet .Venue. kwtll has made Mars his 'Cj'Hpand undoubtedly knows more d ilfc P'anet than anyone else on fd&H! has unhlSshed several works te jlpcondHionE cf Its habltahllity. fllsHanie 'o the conclusion that .i! PresEnt Inhabited by hiRlly TfcbcInKs. W'o are almost forced te l-'BFlth him. from the fact that i tfcME,rIe,s 'h'ch arc- based udoh iO$M?CT' nal Is belnjT made unou tlu' ianet. ' Wwtl0!ls for aabltabllltv are eJjs. wvorabl on Mars a ihry .ffoMr Th? sa-sons. 0f tv;ce the l . Qm ''omnensato by the at H I'vl, (" iPirneraturc for the . uiB?13"? the planet from Ihu T-BP'd fUlf) frenuPiu variations ibwTahow Mint It Is indeed a .,. 'oi'ld. Tin' atmo8Dhe:-e 'MT'.tetiibles that on our hteh- d lWL? , . 'rile El:y "Id aDnear . ttm . ?ft,''k bhi- or almost blnck ifciU,e bilchler stars, as woll &m:aL wrona. would b visible uiBr1 iln e tempests: hurrl Mi1 0111? can (lvev work havoc co!lra:r, the wind would " Wttlmial zzulh- xppIim-. and ex (ere imv n vory nlachl aspect. fifM: v ''Mllcyp are there, no .'.am-. iR,oawalift culfsr the whole no vast plain Uiat makes M vm? .V,?M cny- we should Pnr:. Mt-snc. hre what vc do Eee . ItJPMWzrtii not work of flno lines mKiP'inolnrr wli- Ki-ometrlr at it!K !lslron"liers have nnmcd ..uWinf6 of t,,eso naln hag been 0D tMr ? iSniroi'e,r?y ""K astrono rt n J"-,l'lanare)ll first an- dt ,'Be'., nnc ,lnefi. because thev IJ E,l that ,0 discover faint ' Mvioo1" rotiuires u keen eve. JmSr X- rtcJ1l,ll' nower. rather .rtfrBittj fc"wrmou aperturo Wnich , 'jB,. f .overpower the eye bv hi rKfr-JP0 'a,nt details. All nJ. a?Rn.nicnls thQ creat Italian as- ii'VBn thl rn' 8,lowed such wealth $ Kto i,f 1 :o of .Mars that they P-'BSlutnK?0?1 n l'nh' entirety: tlrlm t0 fl'neale the same !j MplUt!!t'0- SehlfmnvollVB Tho Pl.inot Mars, November 13f 1896. ShowtnK the Wonderful Network of Pine Lines, "Wltlch Have Been Named. Ca.nals. Prom Drawing by C. Robort3, n Mombcr of the British Astronomical Association. map of Mais has been confirmed by thc work of Lowell and other ureal astrono mers, who have merely added more le- The following; may be taken as thc sum of our present knowledge of thc planet: Mars turns on ks axl In 2-1 hours .'ID mlnutea So seconds. I (r. day Is thus about -JO minutes lonncr than ours. Its axis i3 tilled to th plane of Ita orbit by about degrees, which plves the planet seasons almost the sumo as outh in character, but in leiiRth nearly double, for Hh year t:onalst:( of 6S7 of our daya, 609 of Its own. Polar cap.s are plainly visible which melt In th Martian mim tner and form apaln in winter, and. as they melt, are bordered by a blun bolt, which retreat with them. Ab water Is the only imbalance wo know that be have? In this way, we- may i.-xcludo thc Idea advanced bv some selcntlslu of the possibility of the capa bein formed by carbon dioxide. The extenalvo shrinkage of the polar snows show? l.her ctiantity to bo com paratively small, and points to scanty .deposition, due to dearth of water. The lndtiig- takes place In approximately the same order every Martian year, suid this polar hens at thc edes of tho caps be lii temporary only, tho wutor from thorn must bo fresh. It becomes thus certain that water viipor is present, and pre sumably oxyRen, nitrogen and carbonic acid g-as, which aro all of havr mole cular weight. OutEidP of the, polar capn the dlHk Ik divided Into reddiBh orange regions which have the samo appearance that our .deserts would have seen from afar, and blue-green areas onco thought to he seas. That these latter ar not such Is shown by the fact thnt they change In tint according to the Martian season and aro crossed by lines, which arc permanently located in tho same place, allowing- that there are no extcn filvo Uodleaf water on-tho planet. .Their r color Is that of vegetation: this regular ly fadoa out at the approach of winter, leaving tho rod ground baro find in places elmiigoa to a. chocolate-brown tint. H thus becomes self-evident that oxygen and carbonio acid gaa, as will as nitro gen, tho food of plants and animals, are present In the Martian atmosphere, since plants exhale oxygen and take in car bonic acid gas. As beforo -staled, no mountains appear on the planet's surface. It might be likened to a desert, platcnu, the hlue grocn areiis being very shallow depres nlonSf suggesting old sea bottoms, hav ing tho only permanent vegetation, as water would naturally drain into them. Cloudn aro of, rare occurrence, while Avhlto spots obscuro certain portions of tho planet's surface and remain un changed for weeks at a time, both In the tropic and temperate regions, showing that the climate Is cold, though most of tho surface is above freezing point. The most plausible oxphinatlon of theso whilo spots is that they show the deposition of hoar frost, the calm, rarlfled air of tho Martian atmosphere bolmr eminently favorable to nocturnal radiation and i-on-scriuent deposition of dw as hoar frost. "What happens when th ico t Uic pole- begins to melt, and the great wa ter masses are released, mny be Imagined as - follows: Plenty of the element o necessary for vegotatlon and life Jn all Its aspects becomes Immediately avail able, but tremendous Hoods would re sult and tho water turn to a curse In stead of a blessing, if It were not by somo means g-uldod Into safe channels. As all living beings on the JSarth reason In the same way ns do tho htiman jnce, being merely a difference or degree, not of kind, wn may lako It for granted that brings on Mare, constituted of the same elements, would, take tho jiamc precau tions and hold back thr ourushlng wa ters by crcat dania and. irritate- arid areas: by mans of canals, the same as wc uould do. The extensive geometrical markings overlng the whole planet shows the working of an Intelligence which is the e()ual of that shown by the human race imagine a great circle on the Earth con necting the cities of San Francisco and St. Petersburg and we have the counter part of the canal called the ICumcnldes Orcux The soil of Mars Is likely of a lighter character than on the Earth, and remembering the fact that the mnss of Mars Is only one-ninth that of the rOarlh, a body weighing 100 pounds here would weigh only thirty-eight pounds ihere. As gravity presumably deter mines the sl:s of beings Inhabiting the planets, the Inhabitants of '.Mars should ha a stature nearly tv.Ice the- height of otirp, and wilh muscle.- In proportion would perform with ease tasks requiring the strength-of ten men. At Die intersections of thc canals wei observe the dark spots which are termed oases, and arc presumably the centers of population. As water docs not run uphill, wc must conclude that jignntlc pumps arc user to propel the Tnter from thc poles to Hk cmntor'nud beyond, and the oayer. would naturally bo chosen for the sit f of the engineering stations, Kuel, as wo know It on the earth, must be exceedingly scarce, and the Martians, with their million-year-old clvlli.al Ion. have no doubt learned to utilize the ast uicrgy stored ln the sun's rays. The existence of Hi:hc plnnet-vlde "lometric markings teaches us. also, that th" inhabitants arc all one people. Na tions, as wc know them, cannot exist, hul the arctic and equatorial peoples are compelled to work for the benefit of the whole plane'. Whether it' was the fact that their planet Is slowly drying up and all their water is disappearing, or in creasing common sens') that spurred them on tn this wise decision. Is hard to F.'iy. but if Ibis state had not neeu readied they would all have died long ago. Thc mitaknn kind of patriotism that wc ourselves have among us, and which induces a people to go to war, is a sur vival from savage times and Is chiefly prevalent among the unthinking and boy ish element of the nations. Thc wisest know that Iherc are bettor ways of ex hibiting heroism and more certain enda by which Hie fittest may survive. Our own planet is also slowly but just as surely drying up. Tho time may be measured by millions of years, hul the effect of k-pscned rainfall wc have noted, even within the historic period, in Uic abandonment of a.ncleul sites where once slood the Assyrian and Babylonian em pires. A lxilt of deserts Is forming, ap proximating the hottest regions of the earth,- comprising Sahara, the greater portion of Arabia. Gobi, and in the wi-st- Tlic Planet Mars, December 3, 1911, 0 p. m. From Drawing by Rordame. i Showing the Linus Sabaeus and Marc Acldaleum, With the Canals Hiddekcl, ' Gihon and DeuteronlHs. Six and Onc-Half-Inch Telescope. cm hemisphere lite Arizona md Xew Mexico deserts. In I peso places the total evaporating power of the air is increased, ns is also the daily and annual range of temperature. Many streams show only an intermittent flow and disappear en tirely in the sand. Tho. desert, if left to Itself, slowly but surely encroaches on the fertile land, and II is only by combined efforts in irrigation that this encroachment can lie slopped. Meanwhile our civilization Is advanc ing and men arc slowly growing better. So let us hope that the time will come when on this fair earth the human race will have reached so exalted a state that all mankind will be one people, and brothers In fact as well as in name, when wnr and strife will have ended, when the machine will relievo men and the domestic animals of heartbreaking toll, and ail men will strive for I he wel fare of all, nations cease to exist, one language, one aim for all. and that aim the golden rule "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Let us B JSL, PREPAID ANYWHERE. I rfl The Whiskey That Has j I ttrS Quality, Strength, Purity I I jyjpi OUR REPUTATION MADE ON Write for our ;rlce list. We will save you money on all wines and liquors. I The Gold Label Liquor Co. 1 waUtchhon5727. 53 EAST SECOND SOUTH JS"" 1 How to cure a cold is a question in which many are interested just now. Chamberlain's Cough Eemedy has won Us great reputation and immense sale il by its remarkable cure of colds. It can il always be depended upon. For sale by al all dealers. Rl hope that this Umo will arrlvo before fH the earth reaches the present stag of tH Mars, whore every effort of Us lnhab- lil Hants is consecrated on the saving rf ll every drop of water that would other- I ll wise bo wasted. rfl LiH How Cold Affects tho Kidneys Avoid taking cold it1 your kidneys are ' sensitive. Cold congests the kidneys, throws too much work upon them, and '' weakens their action. Serious kidney ''l trouble- and even Bright fs disease may ,H resnlt. Strengthen your kidneys, get rid of tlie pain and soreness, build them jH up by timely use of Foley Kidney Pills. Tonic in action, quick in results. Schramm-Johnson, Drugs. "The Never :'H Substitutors. " Five (5) good stores. Indian Killed on Track. IH JTeaT Eochello, 111., an Indian went rH to sleep on a railroad track and was. 'H killed Ivy the fast express. He paid riH for his carelessness wi.th his life. Of Pl ten it's that way when people neglect '1 coughs and colds. Don't risk your life- 'H when prompt use of Dr. King's Now Discovery will cure them and so pre- vent a dangerous throat or lung trou- '.H blc. ;Tt completely cured me, in a short time, of a terrible cough that .'H followed a severe s.ttack of Grip," vl writes .T. It, AVatts, Floydada, Tex., H "and I regained In pounds in weight H that T had lost." Quick, safe, reliable N and guaranteed. 50c and $1.00. Trial -H bottle free at Schramm-Johnson, Drugs. "The 2srover Substitutors," Ave (5) jH good stores. DRUNKENNESS AND i OPIUM DISEASES. I H Thoro is no publicity, no s'ick 1 I ness. Ladies treated as private- 1 H ! ly as in tlielv own homos. TUB i H KEBLF.Y INSTITUTE, 3S4 W. 1 H iiliii&t l TBIBUNE WANT ADS PULL. J