Search America's historic newspaper pages from 1756-1963 or use the U.S. Newspaper Directory to find information about American newspapers published between 1690-present. Chronicling America is sponsored jointly by the National Endowment for the Humanities external link and the Library of Congress. Learn more
Image provided by: University of Utah, Marriott Library
Newspaper Page Text
lam 'H, lii THE SALT LAKE TRIBUNE, SUNDAY MORNIXU. FEBRUARY itf. 1PJ?. 'S IMti TVAT TVT" n ?aying Homage to RoyaltI 1 IxV. XJ C-JLlly A BY FINLEY PETER DUNNE 1 I. HENNESSY was much disturbed over Y a recent visit of members of a royal lam- ily to New York. "Who's this Jook iv Connaught. anny how ?" he demanded. "Who ilicted him?" " HI nivcr tell ye," said Mr. Doolcy. " T lived th' betther part iv mc life, th' first ten years, within a stone's throw iv Connaught an1 often threw it an I nivcr heerd tell iv him. But jook he is whether Connaught knows iv it or not. Ye see, Hinnissy, 'tis this way: I undhcrstand be th' pa-apers that he's a brother iv th' late king iv England. So whin he come to be baptized 'twas up to him to pick out some part iv th king's realms to rule over. I don't know why this is so, but 'tis so. Well, not bcin' very ma chure at th' time he thought Connaught was part iv th' king's realms, th' poor, misguided in fant, an' he picked it out fr himsilf. Whin he grew up he lamed difr'rent, but thin it was too late to correct th' mistake. But he don't live in Connaught. Life manes too much to him: He ain't a member iv th' Connaught man's assoca tion. If ye're thinkin' iv writin' him askin' per mission to go back 'twill do ye no good. A letther addhrcsscd to him in his rile dukedom wud be returned be th' postmasther marked: ' No such party known here.' . " Well, th' poor man (found th' time 'hangin' heavy on his hands, so his nephew that's king ' iv England now sint him out to govern Canada. Whin th' jook got there he found Canada was so thurly governed already be th' Canajien Passyfic I railroad that there was hardly anny govcrnin' left fr him to do. All th' govcrnin' th' gov'nor gin'ral iv Canada does is larnin' to skate an' goin' to his wife's parties. Th' jook is a smart man an' active, an' whin he cud stand it no long er he up an' wrote to his nephew an' says he : ' Ye must find me a job. I have a large family an' I need wurruk. I can't stay around th" house "Th king was in Indya at th' time lettin his Hie subjicks see him. 'Tis an idee iv kings that they have fo be seen be their subjicks to keep thim lilc. I think"r?s a mistake. If I was a king th' on'y way wan iv mc subjicks cud sec me wud be to peek through th' blinds an' thin, j I'd have him kilt to keep him fr:m tellin' th' others what he saw. But. annyhow, th' king was cnthusyastically rayceived. Wan pa-aper says: ' Th" silence as his majesty proceeded through th' gr-reat throngs iv dark-hucd natives j was far, far more impressive thin mere checrin'. On'y wan thing marred th' visit. This was whin th' Gookwar iv Barooma, a fellow with no more manners thin a throlley car conductor, was iu throjooccd. Instead iv doin' th customary I Whitclaw Reid in th' rile prisincc this here steve dore was hecrd to say, 4 What name?' an' afthcr sthrikin' a match on th' sole iv his shoe walked I off smokin' a cigarect. There was th" divvlc to j pay over this break. Th' Indyan govcrnmint sint I a letther to th' Gookwar demandin' an apology. 1 don't know what they were goin to do to him if lie didn't crawl maybe they cud put him in jail or p'raps rayjoocc him to th' ranks an' sind I him out to pound th' pavemint. Annyhow he 5 took no chances. He wrote a letter savin' he meant no disrespict, but he was thinkin' iv somc- 8 thing else. ' Where was 1 ? O, yes. Well, whin th king ; got th' jook's demand fr wurruk he says to him ...-' silf: Hl must do something fr Uncle Arthur, fr he was good to mc whin 1 was a boy,' an' he sits down an' writes to him: ' I'm sorry there's so little left. Ye shud've spoke arlicr. But I'll tell yc what ye might do. Th' on'y wan iv mc provinces that T haven't paid much attintion to is th' City iv New York, an' I've been so sure iv the lilety iv ivrybody there that has anny loose change in his pants pocket an' they're all that count that 1 haven't thought 'twas nicissry. But do ye jump on a thrain air go down an' look thim over an' if ye like th' place yc can have it.' So th jook he wint to New York. " T'll say this about th' methropolis iv this counthry: it sizes people up right. Ye can guess a man's worth within a dollar be th' way New York rayceives him. Whin th' prisidint iv th' United States goes there to break his silence in public Officer O'Callyhan iv th' Thraffic Squad is always sint, if he ain't loo busy, to meet him an' cscoort him to whertver he wants to go. Some times th' chief iv polis frgits or O'Callyhan is in -court to prosecute a dhrayman, an' thin Archey Butts on'y has to tillyphone down to hcadquarthcrs f r a polismah to keep away th' crowds. Whin he comes th' pro-cissyon pro ceeds up Fifth avnoo. Th' ordhcr iv th' p'radc is as follows : Polisman (on horseback). Th' prisidint (in carredges). " Up th' sthrcet sweeps th' martial array. Th' sidewalks arc thronged with pathrioiic Amer icans goin' to an' fro, an' beautiful American ladies ladin' little dogs. Flags fly in th" breeze in front iv a hotel showin' that th' Crown Prince 1 "TV jook lanei over ker an ske took a pitcker iv kirn." "Wkin tV Gookwar iv Barooma was intkrojooced ke asked Wkat namj iv Pattygonya is stoppin' there. Th' pro-cissyon is nivcr interrupted but wanst, an thin it is held up at a crossin'. But th' escoort has on'y to raise his hand an' say: 'It's all r-right, Mike, it's Taft,' an' they go on, an' th' crossin' copper is so overwhelmed that he lets a pic wagon go through, too. " But whin th' jook iv Connaught wint to New York it took most iv th"' polis foorce to keep th' crowd away fr'm' th' depot. Assimblcd on th' platform was th' American ambassadurc to Lon don an' manny iv th' most richly veiled ladies iv our old nobility. Th' thrain was two minyits late, an' th' American ambassadurc cud not stand the sthrain but fell in a faint an' was removed to his home m an ambulance. As th' rile fam'ly stipped onto th' platform th' assimblcd ladies fell to their knees an' remained in this graceful pos ture till th' jook an' his party -were smuggled into a freight ilivator to avoid th' photygrafters. Th' ilivator stopped half way up to th' street fiurc. 'What's th' matther?' says th' jook. 'I am a photygraftcr fr'm th' Avnin' Fluff,' says th' ilivator man. ' Stand just as yc ar-rc. No, move a little to wan side. There ye ar-rc. That's all finished. Goin' up,' he says. Escoorted be th' sthrong ar-rm squad th' rile fam'ly got to th' ambassadure's autymobile. Whin they were seated th' shover turned, hauled out a camera, an' fired. 'Who ar-rc yc?' demanded th' jook. 4 1 am th' offic3'al photygraftcr iv th' Wur-rkin' Ladies' Advocate says th' young fellow. ' An' I must get down to th' office in a hurry. Yc'll find th nglar shover bound an gaggect m th cellar in th' depot,' he says, an' hurrid away. " An' so it wint. Fifty thousan lilc cameras were livilled at thim as they rode up th' splendid avnoo. A lady fell in front iv th' autymobile an' whin th' jook laned over her to ask her if she was hurted she took a pitcher iv him, an' wan entherprisin fellow concaled himsilf in a hearse till they came by, whin he snapped thim. An' fr th' ncx' three days nawthin' was printed in th' pa-apers but th' pitchers, an' if th' prisi dint had wanted to get a proclymation iv war with Germany published he'd 'vc had to pay a dollar a line fr it "'How did I larn all this? Frim mc favritc journal, iv course, a pa-aper devoted to th' in th rests iv th' wurrukin' people iv this counthry, be hivens. Why, th' iditor iv this pa-apcr wud cut off tli heads iv ivry king or potintatc iv th' wurruld with wan blow iv his shears if he had th' chanct. But he feels it's his jooty to iddy catc his readers so that if th' czar iv Rooshya shud dhrop in fr a saucer iv tay in th' back flat iv twinty-siven hundhrcd an' ilivin B. Kusiusko sthrect th' people wud know how to act right. Ye ought to read this palojcem iv our liberties. Now what wud yc do if a mimber iv th' rile fam'ly shud call on me, as he pretty surely wud if he come to Chicago? Like as not whin him an' mc had give ache other th' high sign iv two men in akel station iv life, ye'd stick out ye'er fist at him an' say, ' Plazcd to meet yc.' If ye did I'd have to throw ye into th' sthrcet. I wud "Wnin tV rale article arrives we ll snow kim wnat a young an active people can do' so. Whin a free born American citizen rijS king or anny iv his fam'ly th' idee is hsfl duck as deep as he can without losin' hjfl ance an' buttin' th' rile personage in th' stem How far he'll go over depinds on his buijfl man iv my shape wud be required to do nH thin sink his chin into his collar till it hurtM a little, thin fellow like ye'ersilf must bcnS till his back is all but broke. An ye mustnW ye'er mouth, mind ye, or yc'll be thrun outM th' king asks ye to. If he taps yc on th' shoM an' says, ' Say somcthin', mc man yc c9 loose till he shoves ye away. 41 "Th' exercise with American ladies l9 severe. Whin an American lady is up.ij rilety 'tis entirely proper fr her to swoon Manny have done so, but 'tis not oftenjM tiscd because iv its inconvcnencc. Th' ijM an' cousarvitive thing fr her to do is tofl to suddenly lose her left leg an' sink as flfl th' flure as possible without fallin'. Shijfl have anny outside assistance. If she iv a chair she's out. It's up to her to dciifl what her strenth will stand. If ,ier jjH gr-rcater thin' her agility she's in fr a burnfl th' other hand, if she don't go down as ( she can without brcakin' somcthin' sh nivcr come ar-round again. I see that waM York lady has practiced this manoovcr in 9 nasyum till she can dhrop th' left kneejj flurc wan hundhrcd an' forty-five times losin' a button. Iv course it won' stop he king iv England himsilf is comin' to fniscM next year, an' us Americans ar-rc too deVjB th' throne to niglict anny exertion, no nfl how dangerous, to show how wc feci. ginuflexion may be good enough f r a joj whin th' rale article arrives we'll show hiM a young an' active people can do in jk gymnastics. I expict to r-read in th pS this spring: 'Mrs. Soldcr-Jint, wife V 1J known (wholesale) plumber, is practising jJ spring which she will do whin prcsintwM majesty. Mrs. Lottson will rely on bratcd crouch an' spring. Mrs. Van RhiM will do a head-spin.' But th' ladiesv H arrystocracy will prob'bly stick to th' sunjM toms iv their ancestors an' go by his naM their hands an' knees. Jm " I wondher how if s all goin' to Hinnissy. Since th' news got around iv wc threat kings in this counthry ivry H in th' wurruld is gettin' r-ready to cot here on a spree. Suppose th' king iv tan shud take it into his head to pay M If Hogan is tellin' mc th' thruth tft Qim yc can approach this here nl0nar .VLJjB glin' up on ye'er stomach. An we d fl'M it or maybe he'd nivcr come back. t-M " They ought to be ashamed iv thl3H said Mr. Hcnncssy. niakB "Sure, what diffrencc does it Mr. Dooley. " Doc Larkin says jm thim. Says he: ' If they do eM 'twill rayjooce th' weight an tis domidal muscles.' If as manny king as their press agents promise tnes i bor-rn ladies will jret almost as mucn if they did th fam'ly washin . ..-rB " What wud ye do if yc were a K W M to this counthry?" asked Mr He " Well," said Mr. Dooley, 'fiM wudden'tdo. I wudden't r-rfflfl n,. iv Independence. I'd be afra id J;J (Copyright. vnJM