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The Washington herald. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1906-1939, December 17, 1916, Image 30

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Twain Also Tried
to Stp a Talcatiwe
Barber-It Can't
Be Done.
God K.ow. w.
Q evening a few years age Brander
thews and Francis Wason were din
together at the Payeri' Club, o
York, when the former made the
~gelnthat they write a letter to
Twain. "But" objeeted Mr. Wil
"we don't know where he is,* for it
at & time when Mr. Clemens was
a traveling somewhere. "Oh," maid
PWt. Matthews. "that does not make
any difference. It is sure to And him. I
thik he is some place in Europe, so we
bad better put on a 5-cent stamp." so
t two sat down and composed a letter
I they addressed to
God Knows Where.
due time they received a reply from
Clemens which said briefly. "He
" * Then someone sent a letter ad
dpagsed, "The Devil Knows Where,"
which also reached him, and he answer
ed, "He did. too."
How They Start.
It is said that the first paragraph Mark
'l*in wrote when he began his editorial
with the Virginia City Enter
was this:
beautiful sunset made Beranger a
a mother's kiss made Benjamin
a an artist, and 315 a week makes us
a journalist."
Mark Twain Drolleries.
Some maxims of "Pudd'nhead Wilson."
that later creation of Mark Twain's hu
morous fancy, deserve immortality. For
qaint association of incongruous Ideas
a0 shrewd insight into weak human na
ture, Wey are- unique. For example:
'"The holy passion of friendship is of
sg sweet and steady and loyal and en
dpring a nature that it will last through
a lifetime. If not asked to lend money."
"Classuic.' A book which people praise
and don't read.. "The man with a new
idea Is a crank until the idea succeeds."
"The truth is stranger than fiction, but
to is because flction is obliged to stick to
Possibilities: truth isn't."
"Few things are harder to put up with
than the annoyance of a good example."
"It were not best that we should all
think alike: it is difference of opinion that
makes horse races"
"The English are mentioned in the BI
ble: 'Blessed are the meek, for they
shall inherit the earth.' "
"April 1. This in the day which we
are reminded of what we are on the other
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth
and grieve at a funeral? It is because
we are not the person involved."
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage
with a college education."
"When in doubt, tell the truth."
The Original Barber Story.
One day Mark Twain was being shaved
by a very talkative barber and was forced
to listen to many 'of the barber's anec
Stopping to strop his razor, and pre
pared. brush in hand, to commence again,
the barber said: "Shall I go over it
'No. thanks." drawled Mark. "It's
hardly necessary. I think I can remem
ber every word."
Doing Things Wrong.
In bachelor days Mark Twain had
heartily expressed the antipathy of bach
elordom for all chambermaids because of
their hostil. ideas of tidiness.
"They always put the pillow on the
oposte end of the bed from the gas
bXrner." he wrote. "so that while you
read and smoke before sleeping, as is the
ancient and honorable custom of bach
elors, you have to hold your book aloft.
in an uncomfortable position to keep the
light from dazzling your eyes. If they
sarnot get the light in an inconvenient
position any other way, they move the
bed. They always put your books into
inaccessible places. They always put the
matchbox In some other place. They
hunt up a new place for it every day,
and put up a bottle or other perishable
glass things where the box stood before.
This is to cause you to break that glass
thing. They always save up all the old
Scraps of printed rubbish you have
q, , " 0O
Wel -Dressed
What Is Chri
and i
Our la
resents i
teril al
all thle
are heri
lower thi
Our "'N
as well d
can afol
- eegar.
s.. IE~A
opn en..
New Stories. At
CA~scsf by AX
Albert Bigelow Paine. who wr,
which is published by Harper & j
during the later years of his lif,
literally thousands of amusing yaro
course uus not able to use all of
for the authenticity of the followin
Twain at his characteristic best.
"Huckelberry Finn" had an unusu
no one quite like him, and none
read more eagerly today than ever
Mr. Paine is an interesting
versatility, having written success)
the story of a maagazine's up-hiL
"The Ship Dwellers" and "The Te
Stories," which charm the children
Life of Mark Twain," which has
younger generation.
thrown on the floor and stand them care
fully on the table and start the fire witi
your valuable MSS."
Degrees and Degrees.
In 1W88 Maik Twain received from Tal
College the degree of master of arts. an
the same college made him a doctor ol
literature in 1901. A year later the uni
versily of his own State, at Columbia
Mo.. conferred the same degree. an
then. in l'Wil, Oxford tendered him the
doctor's robe.
"I don't know why they should give
me a degree like that," he said, quaintly
"I never diwtored any literature; I
wouldn't know how."
Getting Back at Him.
Mark Twain once asked a neighbor 11
he might borrow a set of his books. The
neighbor replied. ungraciously, that he
was welcome to read them in his li
brary, but he had a rule never to let
his books leave his house. Some weeks
later the same neighbor sent over to
ask for the loan of Mark Twain's lawn
"Certainly." said Mark. "hut since A
make it a rule never to let it leave my
lawn you will be obliged to use it there."
Mark Twain on Smoking.
In his speecb on his seventieth anniver
sary. Mark Twain said:
"I have made it a rule never to smoke
more than one cigar at a time. I have
no other restriction as regards smoking."
"I smoke In bed until I have to go to
sleep; I wake up in the night, some
times once, sometimes twice, sometimes
three times. and I never waste any of
these opportunities to smoke. This habit
is so old and dear and precious to me
that I would feel as you. sir, would feel
if you should lose the only moral you've
0tmas Without
s ad Msss
Suits, Coats
rge assortment rep
e most popular ma
.d correct styles
fashionable models
-at prices much
a you would think.
ethod of Credit"
every .woman of
Income to appear
ressed as those who
d the most expen
oentsad you just
out Mark Twain
t Bigelow PAh.
Pte "The Biography of Mark Tusin,"
Iros., was with the famous rumorist
. In writing his biography he had
s to dove-tail into the story, and of
them. Mr. Paine, however, vouches
I amusing anecdotes that show Mark
The author of "Tom Sa er" and
i answer for everything. ere was
a take his place, and his books are
iterary figure. He has shown great
mi fiction such as 'The Bread-ain",
fight, delightful trinl books like
at Dwellers," and 'The Hallow Tree
He has recently issued 'The Boy's
een received with enthusiasm by the
got-meaning the chairman-If you've got
one. I am making no charges. I will
grant, here, that I have stopped smoking
now and then, for a few months at a
time, but it was not on principle. it was
only to show of!; it was to pulverize
those crities who said I was a slave to
my habits and couldn't break my bonds.
"Today It is all of sixty years since I
began to smoke the limit. I have never
bought cigars with life-belts around
them. I early found that those were tog
expensive for me. I have always bought
cheap cigars-reasonably cheap. at any
rate. Sixty years ago they cost me $4
a barrel, but my taste has improved,
latterly, and I pay seven now. Six or
seven. Seven. I think. Yes, it's seven.
But that includes the barrel. I often
have smoking parties at my house; but
the people that come have always just
taken the pledge. I wonder why that in'"
Without Music.
Mark Twain got his training as a
speaker in the palmy days of the lec
ture, when every popular American
author-and.some British ones-used to
go about the country from town to town
"giving readings." But even in those
days Mr. Clemens was not subject to
stage fright, and by no means easily an
noyed. Once, In Boston, he was inter
rupted in the midst of his lecture by
the sudden rising of a teacher and her
attendant pupils, evidently bound for the
suburbs. As the party passed before him
Mark Twain raised his voice in a clearly
audible aside:
"Ah,' he drawled. "going to catch the
9:30 train, eh? It seems to me that when
ever I want to talk. people always have
lo catch th. 9:30 train."
On another occasion, at a political
speaking, Mark Twain's address was in
terrupted by the passage, just outside,
of a band, playing "The Star Spangled
Let Dodek
Dress You
Right This
Nice Clothes?
Snappy Clothes for
Men and Young Men
-wh want to be right up
tote minute and yet pay
very moderate prices. Pinch
backs, swagger efects and
conservative mlodels in all
sizes. All the newest pat
terns; nobby weaves and
seasonable stripes, Well
tailored garments and they
have the quality that will
give good wear--for only
7-91 an______
He OnlySmokerOneCi
Sar at the Same Time,
As He Couldn't Op
erate More.
Banner." The speaker never bedtated
In a moment he had begun to sing the
words end to wave his arms wildly for
all the company to join in the national
anthem. The response was hearty, and.
when the band had passed. Mr. Clemens
thus concluded his address:
"Gentlemen, you will And my speeh In
fuln In the morning papers. Only the mu
ate will be omitted."
A. an Art Critic.
The late H. H. Rogers, hi. mest inti
mate Wend. once took Mark Twain to
ae a very beautiful and valuable piece
of sculpture. It represented a young
woman eiling up her hair, and the work
manahip was such that the owner's other
companions stood opemmeutbed in ad
"Well," maid Rogera, turning to his
companion for his verdict. "what do you
think of It? Grand, isn't it?"
"Yes, it's very pretty." said Mark
Twain. "but It's not true to nature!"
"Why not?" inquired every one in sur
"She ought to have her mouth full of
hairpiam." repliqd the humorist, gravely.
Mark Twain's Timely Wish
Mark Twain was a good sailer, and he
often spent happy weeks cruising with
his old friend. H. H. Rogers. in him
steamwriacht. the Kanawha. Once they
were caught south of Cuba in a heavy
sea, the effect of a long-drawn and vio
lent gale. The Caribbean was heaving
at its worst. For once in his life Mark
Twain was upset by the rolling and
pitching of the ship. He leaned over the
lee rail and clung desperately.
"Mr. Clemens, can't I get you some
thing?" asked a steward, solicitously.
"Ye." Mark drawled. earnestly-"yes;
get me a little island!"
Shortened His Wait,
"Experience," said Mark Twain once,
"makes us wide, but it also makes us
hard. Consider the old. experienced man
in the busy restaurant. He took a meat,
looked around him, and, pointing to a
well-dreased gentleman who had not yet
been served, said to the waiter:
" 'Waiter, how long has that gentleman
been here?
"'About twelve minutes, air.' the waiter
"'What's his order?'
"'Porterhouse and French fried, air.
with mince pie and coffee to come.'
"The old man, hardened by experience,
slipped a.uarter In the walter's hand.
" 'Walter.' he aid. 'I'm in a hurry. Put
on another porterhouse and bring me
Twain and Whistler.
Mark Twain was first introduced to
James McNeill Whistler In the lattter's
studio in London. He had heard that the
artist was a great Joker. and was pre
pared for anything in that line, He put
on a hopelessly stupid air and drew near
the canvas that Whistler was complet
"That ain't bad." drawled the humorist;
"it isn't bad. Only here In the corner"
extending his hand as If to b out a
[cloud effect in the corner. 'I'd do away
with that cloud if I was you."
Whistler cried out, nervously: "Gad, air.
be careful there! Don't you ae the paint
Is not dry?"
"Oh, that don't matter," maid Mark;
"rve gut my glove. on."
New York, Dec. 1.-The following
Washingtonians are registered in hotels
J. B. Colpoys, Continental: B. 0. Gal
lagher, Navarre: M. A. Graham. Herald
square; Mrs. 0. L. Hitchcock. Murray
Hill; Miss T. M. Nagle. Mrs. A. D. Na
gle, Martha Washington; M. Y. Reed.
Latham; F. J. Warner. Great Northern;
S. Bookhart, Woodward.
Doll Parambulators; rubber-tired
steel wheels; leatherette hood; body
lined with leather- eo
et'e.... '':.......... $1.98
Doll Sets, conmisting of knit
toque. bootees, sacque and gloves;
neatly put up In a box; every
doll must have one..........
Do Y4
That right here, c
largest department st(
methods? Still more
tially less than those<
chases--and your pure
here. Why not make
made with I
vici kid leati
leatiler; mac
sizes 6 to1
black and ta
wdths. sp
Eme's I
EMe's I
pray: sines
A Great Responnihility.
rT pcdhy attached to dh prplag of a rmedy for Inbh and I mU
Is uo grear than ta inuased upas the manuectr rafmu
for adults whose lseis samalenly strog tooa cunterat, r a me at e* aq
iru dr&g. It is well to obwear that ntora is prepared today, a it has bue
for the pat 40 years, er the proonal spersion of Mr.(has ELH. Fletb. I
What have makets of Imitations and subiltutes at stake? What are thr
rsponsibilities? To whom are they answerable? They spring up today, soam r
their nefarious wares broadanst, and disappear tomorrow.
Oould each mother see the painstaking care with which the prescrpdn for
Fletcher's Castoria Is prepared: could they read the innumerable t'timnials kim
grateful mothers, they would never listen to the subtle pleadings and Nse arguments
of those who would offer an Imitatinon of or, substitute for, the tried and tru
Fletcher's Castoria.
Children Cry For
.LWooL-8ma CE
Extracts from Letters by Grateful
Pareats to Chas. H. fletcher.
G.. of SpringneMd, Ma., sae: "It -as yar Custsera*n
411- XMrs. M eGinis, of St. L k, Me., n : *' S e
eaer ever mc she was bas, we it to ml
CmN. E C' . of Marion, Ky. sy: "Yon have th bt ..a.h- in
the world, an I have given your Casal. to my babies frem ms to l.'
Mr. Abet go La a. m ay.: As I b a bed
Xpu~atYourb yCararia in we for 762etlyt zm
as- rpeted MY obiId both , and' Ca=14=1
sour IL~R P. Stockton, of Now Orleans,6 La. , :~q "Wein 70M
Casteria to our baywhen be was digh and ji up ewer
.ine.never having to gtve ,. thar
Mrs. Doiph Horuhuckle, of Coorado SwingC. a: e
mmmed giving you Camtora to ow baby weda sh or week
She is sow move. montin and weig 1% puds Zveryom eails
'What a healthy loing baby.' We give Caute|a P Lf it."
ctCo"y of 'Wrapper INs *UWYvAue 60*m5*. mawi vem Clew
Washington College of Law. t James . ibamon to eport lare
man, 21itobeli Colin&. W. T'. Hamnmack. sul of tbe: ramni sale hd Tbaai
Mary Wood. clam of 1902. and formerly Willim A. Maiden. executive commit- giving week.
a member of the faculty of the Wash- tee. John J- 1beTLiY. Clarenc Ellis John
Ington College of Law. has been spend- R. McGrory. Mrs W. W Jones. Mi. C. The holida r o t colleg 90
Ing a few days in the city. Miss Wood 3s55il. J. Donnelly. The election will begin December 2 and extend to Jon
has recently been appointed chairman of take place moon- ,,
the Committee on Legislation for the
General Federation of Women's Clubs. WIm Helen Vamck Dowell. cams of
1ISM, president of the Woman's National1 The credit Of making tht first mauk Is
At the first meeting of the clam of Republican Association. has been In the given Fi-Lonx. wife of Hoang-Ti. emperor
1919. the following nominations for ofM- ctY 011 a via She spoke Wednesday of China. 2 B. C, Among the Greeks.
cers were made: President, R J. Rat- night before Ill local Woman's Republi. Aristotle-54S-3= B. C-is the first who
tersem. Herbert W. Archer. Z. W. Scott. can Club at the New Willard. mention It. It was not until A. D. Wk
Earl B. Smith: vice president. Miss Car- however, that it began to be made in
rie B. Miller. Miss Cook; secretary. Mine Miss Adele r. Stewart. president of the urope.
H.Klgetm of Lead Soldree r Jera Hf.
like appeara ne; jAint what the boy
wan, J at two prices
be smd .......... . .. ...2
R Storm Kingr yexible rleds. In
andit J.esniy.Ttolcto.ll $1.00
takthree pieac4e1 L $1.n.
OSuPm GOLAOEoBERG. iEctric Motor, aortare
nt~rb t n tenowmn fn;s e
8TH STREET PENA.AVE..SE at otem Sig ale ed.T
u Live in southeast?
u Know m m
onvenient to your home, is one of WTashington's best equipped and
res-a store conducted on modern eineDs and according to modern
importnt to you% m~is thel1 fat thatn heire price preai whc -ae-- )ta
baesal0trugteeresant bte Wman'e Ntionas oda naea
this otu-Chritmasstor thi woeek an evry week?
cif em ipsi lc n an; Clu atth oewWllat retisd.nedbsu ol
rned solles is 6k sertar.... Misso'dseanwee 2 he ih
given SSei-lse lng.rswiadeefofd THoannairTful jomtedrogs
of;bakadtn szs5zt o.$16 ad nrs sleein 2e shoes on heGees
anAsokigs e -se s -2 re our tefrs h
..................howevW erha t ean-mto bea made in
$169 AdB .Sewr.pei ears the Jroer aa
like ppaem De,. Sjust wthr a, e e
iaclimhigl prmlice .
.7* ps, ~~ Infant oll ni ble.en
edhmmesjmm5EPMGLEBRPoreer.~.7$0 El..eciaMtor. $er1istuc5

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