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Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, July 20, 1907, Image 20

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When ttu Seattle High School base ball
nine was in Washington recently it had as
one of Its players a young man named Ton
Million.
Uvil Service Commissioner Greene, In
oiimT.i-::ting on the unusual appellation, recall
'1 in Instance of a queer cognomen that
had come under his observation, somewhat
In the same class with D-Cady Herrlck, unsuccessful
candidate for the governorship
of New York uxainst the late Gov. Higgins,
and \V J McGee of the Smithsonian Institution
Hut while in the case of these
g-ntlt men the initials are not really such
since they begin no word and are abbreviations
for nothing whatever, in the Instance
c.te.i hv Commissioner Greene the inlHal
had a meaning, making the whole name a
parental admonition.
"I remember that years ago I knew t
good woman who followed what used to be
the humble occupation of monthly nurse."
said tho commissioner. "This Mrs. Quick
was full of wise saws and modern instances
an<l used to lose no opportunity to give good
advice. Her only son she burdened with r
name which never let him forget his duty
to the business world She named him John
B Quick "
*****
"Madam," said a, benevolent-looking old
gentleman on the rear seat of an open trolley
car. "since the smoke of my cigar
seems to annoy you, would it be presumptuous
for me to ask why you deliberately
came to the smokers' seats when there 1^
plenty of room in the forward end of tht
car? I ask this because I have noticed the
phenomenon before. I shall. I suppose
have to throw away this cigar, which is an
expensive one, and just lighted. I had supposed
that 1 could smoke It here without
troubling any one, but this teaches me at
last that the smokers' seats are those preferred
by ladles who detest the odor of tobacco.''
The speaker threw his cigar away
but the lady remained stonily oblivious.
*****
"There Is a doubt In my mind," sajd an
official of th? State Department, apropos of
a recent examination of candidates for consulships.
"whether the best consuls will be
secured, ultimately, by the entrance of
these young men Into the service, as perma
0 nent members of It. No matter how desirable
they may be. personally. I cannot help
feeling tha.t with long service abroad, unless
in countries positively repulsive, they
will become denationalized, un-AmerlcanIzed
and willing expatriates. Their only
sight of this country will be during brief
and infrequent vacations, and Imperceptibly
their Individual Interests will become bound
up wun inose or toreign countries, l may
not take the right view of It, and my fears
appear not to worry my superiors, but
that's the way X feel about It, and I can't
help It."
* * * * *
Fred M Corowell. "one of the finest"
Of Inspector Boardman's staff of detectives,
has been In the business of "pinching"
people for a number of years, and he now
realizes what It means to have the strong
arm of the law laid upon him. He was
actually arrested one night last week, but
he was n<>t placed behind the bars, his arrest
having been brought about by his own
foolishness, and he was released before he
reached the patrol box Now he Is in a position
to toll how it feels to get arrested,
his experience theretofore having been In
playing the role of the one making the
arrest
It was Detective Cornwell's day to do
duty at headquarters until 10 o'clock at
night, and he arranged to meet his wife at
the transfer station, S>th and G streets
northwest, shortly after that hour. When he
left home in the morning his high Panama
hat was ? ; shaped that his wife thought
Bhe could recognize him at any distance.
During the day the shape of the hat was
changed, making a complete change in the
appearance of the wearer. The detective
was on hand at the street car Junction
ahead of his wife, and he took a seat on
the coping at the northwest corner of the
Interior Department grounds.
The sleuth had been Boated there but a
short while when his wife appeared on the
opposite corner. She craned her neck to
get a glimpse of her husband, and she
showed her disappointment at his apparent
failure to keep his engagement. Keeling
certain his wife had not recognized him.
the husband made an effort to get up a little
flirtation with his better half, but she
refused to pay any attention to htm. She
did pay attention to Crossing Policeman
O'Brien, and ttie latter crossed to where
the doteotive was grated.
"I want to toll you." said the crossing
policeman, "that you will have to atop
your flirting with that lady across the
street."
"Tht* 1 idv must he mistaken." declared
the dete.-t:v.', "I havo not flirted with her."
TO A MASTER
From I."nlnn Punch
Mr I'unrh to Mark Twain)?"Sir, I hoi
life to you?and happiness?and perpetual
MJNGS
WSfHEAJlD
PftZjEENI
...
. Ail 1 KIIOW HUlllll II, nuillllieu U1C JUJllceman.
"Is what the lady told me."
The crossing policeman turned and wenl
awav lie went to the other side of th(
street, but he was careful to keep an ey<
upon the man seated on the coping. Cornwell
renewed his little pleasantry with his
wife, whereupon the crossing policeman returned.
took him by the arm, and announced:
"I -saw you that time," and
placed him under arrest.
"And." paid the detective when he gol
near his wife, "are you going to have me
locked ud?"
Mrs. Cornwell appreciated the Joke.
*****
It was obvious that he was a stranger
In the city, but he carried a chip on his
shoulder and he was quick to resent what
he thought was undue bumptiousness on
the part of the conductor on a 14th street
car. The stranger had been a passenger
from downtown and the car was approaching
the transfer point at 14th and II streets
when the conductor swung along the running
board.
"Transfer lr?" he cried, ajid the stranger
seemed startled. "Transfer V?" the query
was repeated, and the conductor may have
placed unusual emphasis on the "U," but
to the newcomer within the city's gates it
sounded like "Transfer, you!"
"Who are you talking to?" he shouted,
at the same time favoring the conductor
with a glare. "I'll thank you not to get
too?familiar " It was the conductor's turn
to be taken aback, and for one brief
moment hostilities seemed Imminent. Then
a city man Intervened to explain to the
Irate visitor that "Transfer U?" was only
an abbreviation of a question and that
"U" meant a street and not the person addressed
*****
An army officer formerly stationed at a
far western post who is In Washington
with his two little sons, recently Instituted
a system of bribery through which he
means to cure the youngsters of the habit
of using occasional "cuss words," picked
up during their years at the post, mingling
with the kindly but rough-spoken troopers.
TM. - Kr.? S nnnfo n
iiio iniuci p. UUM3CU ratu uvjj i? tnua a
day. provided the day was passed without
lapses Into too vigorous speech. The boys
fell In with the plan, and have saved quite
a little money, seldom having to forfeit
their reward through failure to comply
with the restrictions.
There are times, however, as the boys
can bear witness, which pass beyond all
endurance. For instance, the other evening
when the brothers were dining with
their parents at their grandfather's> a soup,
which waa a distinct failure, was placed
upon the table. The grown people, after
tasting It, were too polite to make any
comments, but contented themselves with
leaving it unfinished. Not so the boys. Disappointment
and disapproval were evident
on their faces. At last in the case of the
younger his feelings had to find expression.
"Papa," he asked, "will you surely make
me lose my 5 cents If I swear?"
"Certainly, son; you know that." was the
answer.
"Well, then," remarked the five-year-old.
"you can keep your money today, for this
is d?-d bad soup!"
*****
A well-known musical conductor from
New York was recently In Washington,
and dined at the home of some friends,
who were interested not only In art and
music, but the occult. It appeared that several
of the family had lately visited a slatewr'ting
medium and had marvelous things
done for them. The musical director was
Interested, and told of a visit he had made
at the suggestion of some spiritualistic
friends to a medium of that kind.
"I don't know how the thing was done."
he said. "The slates were spread on the
table In front of us. They contained no
writing. I asked for communications from
Sir Arthur Sullivan, a deceased friend, and
my moiner, wno uibi a irvv iiioijma h.k j.
Tne slates wore then closed, and on being
reopened were found to contain writing
purporting to emanate from these three
departed. That from my mother was peculiar
in that It was written In English?a
language with which she was wholly unfamiliar.
She wrote always in German."
("That is not strange." explained his
hosts. "It frequently happens, because the
language is translated by reason of its
conveyance through the language spoken
by the medium."
"Maybe so." said the Bkeptic, with a
slight twinkle in his eye. "My mother
went on to say that we must not think
of her Ha rerxisine in the cold ground where
we had laid her. but as being always near
us In spirit.' "
"Well, that was a gratifying communication.
was It not?"
"Not particularly so. You see, my mother
was cremated."
*****
"Speaking of mental medicine," said a
Washington business man the other day, "I
knew p. somewhat eccentric physician who
recently died who would order patients to
take walks, say. dally, on the left side of
the street, returning by the other side; another
he would order to arise each morning
at a certain hour and ea< ciieese with ginber
tieer; another to take supper precisely
at midnight, and eat only apples; or he
woutu ins;ruci uie p&ueiu 10 yui jusi so
many (Trains of Bait on the egg he was to
eat. and part his hair in a different way
each day. H's object was to get the mind
of the pationt on something else than symptoms,
and thib scheme worked well In many
onsfs. especially when the patient was suf
jcriiug liuiu iiwiia.
OF HIS ART.
PIH |!|I
wr myself by drlnWn, your heaUh. UW
youth I"
IN THE DEADROOM
The manager of a huge storage warehouse
conducted a visitor to the top floor of the establishment.
"This," he said, "iias been dubbed the
deadroom by our employes, because it is
used entirely for the storing of stuff that
| has remained unclaimed for many years on
Lthe lower floors. The amount of furniture
I or^ ntKor tialmi l>1 A (Vnn V? n M-rtnfinlli'
? aiuauic gcai liiai ?. v CIi iiianj
lands In the deadroom Is surprising. We
usually keep things placed in storage here
In the places originally set aside for them
for a matter of ten years or so. If they remain
unclaimed at the end of that time and
t all of our efforts to ascertain the addresses
: of the owners Is unavailing, the stuff is then
' shifted to this room, to make space for
newly stored things. We could auction
auch stuff off if we chose, but we rarely
- put anything under the hammer, for the
1 reason that claimants for old-time stuff
turn up every once In a while.
t "This room contains many complete sets
s of superb housefurnishlngs. Some of the
household furniture has been stored with us
for twenty years and more, and some of
this deadroom material, of which the owners
have apparently lost track, was placed
here by notable people of other decades,
and thf- Ignorance of the owners as to the
location of this stuff Is almost as surprising
as th? lukewarmness of some of tihem In the
matter of relieving us of It after we have
been at considerable pains to trace them
an dto notify them that we have their Btuff
In hand. It Is hard to understand this, for.
while in such cases the accumulated storage
charges are pretty steep, they are often
not worth mentioning In comparison with
the great value of the articles stored and
forgotten.
"I'll give you an Instance of this. More
than two decades ago the minister plenipotentiary
of a leading Kuropean country?
that was before the days of ambassadors
here?was suddenly recalled by his government
to take another diplomatic post. He
hastily packed the furniture of his establishment?fine
stuff, most of which he had
brought from Europe?and stored It with
us, stating that he would send for It as soon
as he got settled on the other side. Although
we have repeatedly written to him?
he Is now one of the leading diplomatists of
Europe?we have never heard from him
down to the present hour. I should estimate
the value of the stuff he has stored
here to be at least $n,0<>0. and the aggregate
of the storage charges Is certainly not
more than $1,000. The only way to account
for his indifference is that he is so rich that
a few thousands of dollars' worth of furniture
scattered here and there don't cut
much of a figure with him.
"The persistency with which some people
hang on 10 om pianos is a curious Lmrig.
There are hundreds of pianos In this warehouse,
and some of them ihave been here for
two decades. Many of these old pianos
must have cost a good deal of money when
they were new. but they are now out-ofdate
tin pans. There Is a grand piano here
that was put in storage twenty-two years
ago by a literary man of former fame who
spent a number of years of his early success
In Washington. It was an old Instrument
even when he placed It here, but, although
he had no room for It In his house,
he couldn't bear the Idea of disposing of It.
for It was the piano upon which his only
daughter had performed almost up to the
day of her death. So he had It trucked
down here, and here It's likely to remain for
a good many years after we've all
cashed in.
"Then, too. people store comparatively
cheap pianos, and after allowing them to
remain 4iere for years, when the bill for
storage has crawled Into heavy figures,
they turn up, pay the storage bill?which
sometimes amounts to almost the value of
the Instrument?take the thing away and
make room for another piano. There way
an oaa old c.'iap in nere me ocner aay. i
hadn't seen him before for three years,
when he placed an old square piano In
storage here.
" 'Well.' he said when he came in. 'I'm
after that piano of mine. How much are
the charges? All right. Here's the money.
Now, I'll tell you something about that
piano. It cost me 8800 in 1870. I was figuring
the thing out the other day. and I
discovered that, aside from this original
price, the old pan has cost me nearly $7,000
since I bought It. How do I make that
out? Well. I've moved that old piano all
over the United States any number of
times from Maine to California and from
Michigan to the gulf, and the moving
charges were more than $1,000. Then I've
had It in storage pretty near as often, and
that coat me a lot of money. In hard times,
before I learned how to make money, .I've
soaked it for almost its full vp.lue doiens
ot" times, and I've had to pay the Interest
on these loans for several years at a clip.
But the big item of expense in connection
with that piano is that I've raised three
crops of children on it. Been married three
times, and each of my wives had plenty of
young ones, mostly girls. Well, I've given
every last one of those girls piano lessons,
and that's the piano they whacked In learning
how to play. Cost of lessons. pretty
close to $5,0'K). I'm not taking it away now
because I need It. for I'm dead certain that
none of my girls still with me would play
on It with golf sticks, but I want to have it
around the house and look at It. for the
history of that piano Is virtually the history
of my life. You've got it for the last time,
for I'm going to turn it loose to graze and
finish its old age in comfort on the third
floor of my house. Got to put it in my own
den, for the girls wouldn't stand for its being
In any other section of the house.'
"People bring a lot of things here to be
kept in storage because they deem them
iuu uuiutn/ iu ue acui tii uunu iiicu iiuus^n.
There's an exceedingly fine marble bust of
Clytle here that hae an odd history. It was
done by a famous local sculptor of a generation
ago. The sculptor's oldest son was
exceedingly dissipated, and In the course of
time Ms excesses affected his mind. He
suffered from melancholia, and one of his
hallucinations was that the eyes of this
bust of Clytie. which rested on a pedestal
in the hall of the house In which the sculptor's
faanily lived, were constantly regarding
him reproachfully. This fancy grew
upon him till he began to rave over It, and
one day he got a hammer and was on the
point of destroying the beautiful work of
art when one of his sisters carried the bust
out of his reach and the family brought the
bust here for safe keeping. They did not
care to take It away after the young man's
death in an asylum, on account of Its
gloomv association with his Insanity, and
so here it remains.
"There is an exceedingly beautiful and
ornate gold-hllted Moorish scimitar in this
deadroom that has been here for many
ytars. It was brought here by a gentleman
who had been United States minister to
Turkey. He told me that he had never had
a day's luck since he became possessed of
the scimitar, which had had a pretty sanguinary
history before It passed into his
hands: that death and misfortune had been
rife In his family ever since the blade had
been given to him. He put It In our charge,
with the remark that he might call for It
some day after the commonplace exorcism
of a storage warehouse had deprived It of
Its curse, but I have never seen or heard
from him since."
General Del Eey.
Prom the N>w York Sim.
El Caney should have a monument to
Gen. Vara del Rey, as the Spanish Club of
Havana proposes. His feat in defending the
little town for ten ) ours against an American
force ten times larger than his own was
perhaps the finest exhibition of valor that
the war records. He succumbed only to his
wounds and died a soldier's death. If he
had been an American or a British commander.
his heroism would have found an
Inspired singer. We are glad to see that
American officers who served in Cuba desire
to subscribe to the monument fund. Tho
gallantry of the Spanish Veteran has Its
niche in their memories of the first of
July. They have done Justice to the
achievement of Vara del ey, but he has not
had his deeerts from the American historian.
California Shad.
From the San Francisco Chronicle.
A very few years ago shad were not
found in Pacific coast waters, but, thanks
to the intelligent work of the fish commission,
they are now more abundant here
than in the east. Thursday last large
catches were selling In the wholesale market
of San Francisco at a cent a pound.
The same day they were sold In New
York at 55 cents and <!0 cents per fish,"
which is about twelve times as much as
they brought here. Unfortunately, however,
while they are very cheap In the
San Francisco wholesale fish market, -the
retail dealers "sock" It to their customers,
making them pay the limit for had and
all other kinds of fish.
DOWN IN PIZEN CRICK
The worst man in Pizen Crick lumbered
unsteadily out of the swinging door of the
Grubstake Honkatonk, took up his stand in
the middle of the alkali-whitened street,
gave both sides of his long, straggly
mustache a flick with the index and middle
fingers of his right hand, threw b's tousied
head back and bawled:
"Yee-ow, yee-ipp-ee! I'm a scar-faced,
razor-fanged timber wolf and this Is my
day to cr-r-runch human bones!"
All up and down the street nfervous-look
ing men were to be seen darting through
doors to get under cover. Plainly, they
scented death and disaster in that wild
barbaric yawp of the howling terror of
Pizen Crick camp.
A block away the bald-headed proprietor
of the New Yoi haberdashery store,
which sold blue flannel shlrta, bandanna
neckerchiefs, high-heeled boots, tlnkle-bellbanded
sombreros, spurs and forty-fives,
was to be observed putting up the wooden
shutters in front of his show window. He
wasn't taking any chances.
Three or four dashing-looking cowboys,
who had Just turned into the street from
the trail when the terror let loose his
Initial howl of defiance, turned out of the
main street when they saw the camp terror
standing there in the middle of the
road. They weren't cowards, but they
had seen that bad man in action before.
"I'm a double-fanged Gila reptile,"
howled the terror of the camp, lurching
there in the middle of the street, "and I
can feel the pizen liquor a-purlln' around
my teeth!"
The men who had been drinking in the
T I 1.. * 1, ~ V -~.r,A
\.ii uuaioAc iiuunaiuiiiv wcie IU uc uusci ycu
sneaking out the back way. and when they
reached the Rate at the rear they took up
a Jog trot and beat It for places of safety
some hundreds of yards removed from the
spot where the camp terror was occupying
the middle of the road, breathing Are.
Presently tho proprietor of the Grubstake
Honkatonk hurriedly closed and locked the
front door of his establishment and then
immediately flopped to the floor on all
fours, for fear that a fusillade of bullets
from the terror's guns would crash through
the glass, to Indicate the terror's wrath
that any rum-mill proprietor would dare to
bolt his place upon him. But the terror of
the camp was too busy announcing himself
to pay any attention to closing doors.
"i'lfti a he-grizzly with the hydrophobia."
he bawled, rocking himself back and forth,
"and this is my day to sharpen my claws
a-pulHn' off human heads!"
The mayor of the camp, who was rather
deaf, turned Into the main street from the
opposite corner Just at this stage of it.
When he saw the camp terror lurching
there in the center of the road the mayor
placed a hand back of his ear the better to
catch some of the terror's words. He
caught a few of them and then he turned
right around In his tracks and hustled back
to the place he had come from.
"I'm a he-wildcat a-guardln' a Utter of
seven kittens," sang out the bad man,
twiddling his sombrero on one finger as a
stage Juggler twiddles a china plate, "and
"I'm a-hankerln' to have a hull lot of bitter
folks come a-nlgh me!"
An outcast yaller dog, pretty perky for ajl
his outcastness, came prancing and sniffing
along the street, tall up, ears alertly forward
and a general air of the Joy of vagabond
life about lilm. But, catching srlg'ht
of the camp terror. the yaller dog raised
his head and turned It sideways to listen,
and. catching the last words of the terror
of the camp, his tall dropped between his
legs and away he scampered down the
street In the direction from which he came,
yipplng at every four or five steps as If a
whiplash were being curled around his legs.
"I'm a heap-plzenlsh water-moccasin of
the Brazos," continued the wickedest and
cruelest man in the camp, "and 1 hain't
sunk my fangs In a human pelt In so long
that they're a-glttln' lonesome!"
A soldier driving a six-mule officers' ambulance
from the cavalry post thirty miles
away turned Into the street at the corner
just at this stage of It. but when he spotted
the red-eyed terror of the camp standing
In the mlddl? of the thoroughfare he
promptly backed his mules, gav? them the
blacksnake and prodded them at top speed
In the other direction.
"I'm a eight-tusked alHgator with the
Area o' the pit a-siygln' through me."
chan-ted the camp terror, in his raucous
voice, "and I'm achln' to fcip off eight
bushel o' human arms an laigs!"
just at mis poini 11 nappeneu.
Overland train No. 14 from the east
rolled in at the little deserted 'dobe station
across the way from where the bad man
was standing, and a solitary passenger
alighted from the train.
Obviously, the solitary passenger was
from one of the big cities?probably New
York, for he had the look and make-up of
a New Yorker. He was modlshly attired
In a very light gray suit, with a pin-stripe,
and of the very latest cut. He was somewhat
undersized and slenderly built. But
there was all sorts of determination in his
eye as, emerging from the 'dobe station
into the brilliant, almost blinding sunlight,
he caught sight of the camp bully breathing
death and desolation In the middle of
the road.
The newcomer stopped, folded his arms
and gazed disapprovingly at the camp
terror for some time. Then, with a species
of nerve that seemed to amaze the bad
man, he called out to him:
"Say, what ails you, anyhow?"
"There stands a dead man," mournfully
whispered a group of terrified Plzen
Crickers who were huddled behind the
locked door of the Grubstake Honkatonk.
They had caught the Impudent words of
the newly-arrived tourist from the east
and they knew that his life would be forfeit
for his temerity.
The camp terror wheeled In his tracks
and gazed wonderingly for a moment at
the modlshly-dressed easterner who had
put the queer question to him. Then he
replied:
"Nothln' alls me. sonny, "ceptln" that I'm
a four-horned toad and this Is my day f'r
a camp cleanin'. You're Just In time fr
to be cleaned."
"Oh. I am. am I?" replied the swell-looking
slender duck who'd Just got oft the
train. Jn a tone of derision, and then
But hold on a minute.
Right at this stage of It the funnyists
who nudge In the screech-stuff for the
weekly scream-evokers would get in their
fine Etruscan work. They'd narrate how
the dudlsh-looklng person who'd got off the
eastern train had walked calmly and
dauntlessly over to the camp terror, slappeu
the ba'l man two or three times In the
teeth, kicked him on the shins with the
toes of his canvas shoes, pulled out both
of the bad man's guns from his belt,
dumped the bullets from the gun on to
tlie ground, yanked tno terrors rea nectcerchlef
from around his neck and tore It
Into ribbons, flicked the bad man's sombrero
off his head and sailed it over the
top of a shack and then booted him up the
street to the calaboose, while, all this
time, the punctured terror looked startled
and a-skeeart and chapfallen and down In
the mouth and all like that.
However, when the truth Is at stake, the
screech-evoking habit doesn't prevail around
here, and facts are facts. In Plzen Crick
Just as much so as In the city of Washington.
Therefore
When the swell-looking duck from the
east made that remark of his In the tone
of derision the ptzenest citizen of Plzen
Crick got to him In Just two Jumps from
his place in the middle of the road.
Disdaining to mete out any re.il, sureenough
Plzen Crick punishment upon the
Impertinent newcomer, the camp terror
merely sat down on a keg of nails that was
standing outside the railroad station,
placed the nervy tenderfoot in the pretty
clothes across his knee like a little girl
does her doll when the doll ba3 be<?n "bad,"
and then the camp terror proceeded to
apply his horny, ham-like mitt to the trouserings
of the sassy tourist In an industrious
and earnest way that caused the tourist to
squirm and to beg for mercy. After about
I ft.nr winiiipu nf this the oamu terror Dut
the nervy little one on his feet and dragged
hlra by the ear to the watering trough at
the north end of the station. He soused
him In the trough for five or six minutes,
watching him like a little boy watches a
toy sailboat on a pond. Then the camp
terror picked the dead-game tourist from
the trough, carried him under one arm
over the way, and tossed him up on to the
low. sloping roof of a 'dobe to dry.
leaving him there, the holy terror of the
camp trudged down the street, where he
promptly killed three men who didn't get
out of his way in time, and then he mounted
his cayuse and beat It for the dt*ert.
For he was a ca,mp terror, sure enough,
and so there wasn't a chance on earth for
the thing to break the tenderfoot's way, as
he probably thought it might from reading
the titter-extractors in the funny publications.
It's a hateful task to have to slit these
gnome narratives that grow up like fungi
all the time, but the truth is mighty,'and it
must prevail.
An epigram is a commonplace in a fancy
waistcoat.?Puck.
: LONG GRASS RECRUITS
"I never plowed through so many schools
of natural-born hesltators- as I met up with
during this last inland lubber-gathering
cruise that I've Just finished." observed a
petty officer of the navy who has been attached
for some time to one of those naval
recruiting outfits operating with moving
pictures of the life on the ocean wave in
some of the middle western states. "Most
of these liesitators nudged so close to the
home on the rolling deep that they could
almost feel the salt spray and smell the
lobscous?. and then, becoming stampeded
all of a sudden, they ducked back to the
tall and uncut like a bunch of seminary
girls with red sunshades crossing a gracing
field and hiking for the fence upon seeing
a milch cow gazing at them three furlongs
awav.
"The bigger and huskier the lubbers were
the more sacred they seemed to be at the
last minute. One of them, an Iowa yap
as high as a Manchu mandarin on streetflood
stilts, and strong enough to p!ay Jacks
with ten-pound dumb-bells wired together,
made a backdown and a getaway that gave
the officer In charge of our shipping outfit
the fantods for three days.
"He passed the surgeon as easy as a motor
turblner slips by a garbage scow. He
was so good when he shed his hayln' duds
and went before the physical examiner that
the surgeon only smiled and said. 'What's
the use? You'll do." after taking little
more than one peek at the big lummox.
"But some of us that ware looking on
could see that his gizzard was about the
size of a sand gnat's. There was a hunted
look In his eye after the surgeon told him
he was all right, and you oould almost hear
the cogitations In his maintop while he was
putting on his clothes preparatory to going
before the shipping officer and putting his
name to the enlistment papers.
" 'Take a brace, matey." we said to him,
encourtigingly, seeing that the big Zeke
was edxinit close to a collapse. What's
three years? A mere bag; o' shells! And
think of the liayln" you'll dolge while you're
gone! Look at the fun your're going to
have! Think of Paris and Port Said! Just
one grand, lolly, dreamy smoke for tlirev
years! Unship that think-lt-over look an<3
take a reef in your forked guessing stick!
The deep water's the thing for you, old
Jack!'
" 'Well. I dunno s'much about that,
b'gosh, now that I've got this far,' the big
Cy said, scratching his head. 'Mebbe It
wouldn't suit me and I wouldn't suit It?
and then what? Say, I'd sure like t' talk
It over ag'ln with maw before I put my
hand to them binding papers.'
"We had a hard time bamboozling him
nut nf that maw rmHnn and finallv. on? :
of us at each side of him, nursed him along
through the door of the office where the
hipping officer had the enlistment papers
spread out- He had the Inked pen In his
trembling hand and was Just leaning over
the desk with lila tongue lolling out and
his eyes a-rolllng. to scratch his signature
at the bottom of the made-out form that
would hold him for the three years, when
there was a creaking and a clattering on
the road down below. The yap seemed to
reoognize*the sound.
"With the pen still In his hand he
clomped over to the Becond story window
and looked down. A little old woman In a
Paisley shawl and a poppy-Uttered bonnet
was Just climbing out of the farm wagon,
which she had been driving herself.
" 'It's maw!' gasped the rube, with an
expression of acute relief on hla map. "I
guess maw wants me!'
"A Becond later the office door flw
open.
" 'Maw!'
" 'Hiram!' ?
"And he was In her arms and she was
In hia'n.
" 'Th' Idee o' my Hiram wantln' t' go f*r
a rowdy, drunken scan'alous sailor?th'
very Idee!' Bald the old lady, addressing
the weary-looking shipping officer. 'An'
him th' youngest & my eight boys, all o'
'em as happy an' content as can be on
their paw's farm?an' Hiram never havln"
been no further away from hum than
Council Bluffs! Don't you dare t' tell me
that my Hiram's already been an' gone an'
Jlned them scan'alous sailors, or that it is
too late! I'm a-goin' t' take my Hiram
hum with me right now!'
" 'Madam,' said the shipping officer, getting
up at his desk and making Hiram's
mother a low bow. 'he's ail yours. You
can have him.'
"So she took Hiram by his ham-like
hand and led him down the stairs to the
wagon, and I never saw a more delightedlooking
Hiram ashore or afloat than that
one was when he climbed into the wagon
alongside of his maw.
"And we found plenty of the would-be
candidates for fo'c'sle hammock numbers
a heap exacting out yonder In the grain
belt. With the recruiting outfit we had
an old shellback of a bo'sun's mate who's
been going up and down the seven seas
In the government packets ever since the
days of the old Ticon, and this old Jack
was constituted the bureau of Information
to handle the applicants because he'd
promise them any old thing that they'd
ask for.
" 'But, look a-here, mister, I reckon I'd
?flt seasick, never havln' bin on th' water
in nuthin' but a sklft before, an' I've
heeard tell that seasickness Is orful bad,'
the shufflers of rubes would say to the
old heavy-weather tlmber-shlverer before
maKing up meir minus amy, ta.nu vueii
the old flatfoot of a bo'sun's mate would
look at them In surprise.
'* 'Listen yere. matfiy,' he'd reply, confidentially,
herding the doubtful ones Into a
corner so as to get a better crack at them,
'I've been goln' t' sea, man an' boy. In this
line o' frigates, ever sense I was th' sise
of a pup-skate on th' Glnnsy coast, an'
ev'ry time that I've put t' sea, endurln' all
o' them years, I've been a,-glttln' seasick;
horrible seasick; sick-as a ship's cat that's
chewed two pound o' lye; slcker'n a royal
marine that's double-Ironed In th' brig after
a four-days' Gibraltar drunk; and that's a
hull plenty sick, matey, I'm a-tellln' you.
An' 'ca.use w'y have I been seasick ev'ry '
time I've gone t' sea endurln' all o' them '
years? 'Cause why? 'Cause, at th' break
o' th' t'gallant fo'c'sle on ev'ry American
man-o'-war there's a hundred-gallon scuttlebutt?a
scuttlebutt, matey. Is a caskfilled
t' th' brim with champagne for all o'
th' hands for'ard that suffer from seasickness.'
And here the old shellback would
poke the Zekes Jovially In the ribs and
wink roguishly at them. 'That's 'cause
w'y I alius git horrible seasick ev'ry time I
go t' sea?somethln' horrible.
"In a little Missouri town a big, rawboned
hired man clamped upstairs to tho
recruiting office and slouched over to where
the pictures of the uniforms was hanging. ]
He placed a big thumb on a picture of a
chief petty officer, a chief bo'sun's mate, i
V* ~ n n/1 no crlo rQ Hn o*_Kq/1?? rtn I
VW I i 1 tV1 UUVIIUI U11U > tMVlWQ Uttugt U?1
the blouse sleeve of his watch arm, and -hex
Inquired of all of us In general:
" 'Hey, mister, ef I go f'r a sailor with
you fellers, do I git a soot o' clothes Just
ilke th!s-a-one t' wear right ottT
"Pretty forehanded remark. tha,t. considering
that It takes a seventh son born
lucky with a caul all the way from ten to
twenty years to get a chief petty officer's
rig-out on his back in this man's navy.
I've been with the outfit for eighteen years
myself, and I'm still wearing the bell bottoms,
even if I have got a crow on my
arm. Well, the shipping officer grinned,
and the old shellback who acted as the
bureau of Information nodded the turnip
cultivator into the next room and said to
him:
" 'Messmate, ef you honest think tha.t
that there uniform that you p'inted out ud
suit you. all well an' good; It'll be yours.
Four sets o' th' same, with th' cap thrown
In f'r th' askin'. But that kind o' uniform
hain't got no sword t' go with It. Now,
you'll be wantin' of a sword t' go with
vonr uniform, won't von niMKmatr*?'
"The hired hajid reckoned that a sword
added to the uniform wouldn't hurt none,
but, he aaiil with groat positiveness, he
wa'ant a-goin' t' wear no loose blue shirt
tucked Into them baggy wide-bottomed <
pants jets' like common, onuery sailors,
and ef he could have, right oft, the uniform
that he'd p'tnted out in the picter, w'y, all
right?ntebbe he'd ship, and then again
mebbe he wouldn't?he wanted to git that
uniform question made cleaj- fust. Tlid
'bureau of information' made that ail right
with him, and after the milker had heal- ,
' tated and reneged and crawtisned and
passed It up and come back half a dozan ]
times, he was duly shipped a? a coal heaver ,
afi hiked east to one of the receiving ships i j
with a carload of the corralled ones. I'd (
like to've been standing by near the receiving
ship storeroom when ths jack-o"- j
dirt tossed that hired man a slop-rlgged
of government-straight blue-Jacket togs, j
I'll bet a month's tobacco that he looked as ,
abused a? a ?tranded dogtish In a quick- (
sand." (
* 1
Cure for Anarchy.
From tbe Voukers Statesman. j
"Tou never see a rich anarchist," r?- 1
marked the Observer of Events and Things;
"when a man has to work hard enough to ]
accumulate wealth It UJtaa all the anarchy s
out mt him." :
HOW LUKE SHOR
MARSHAL
Death of Noted Man-Killer's Father I
I
Recalls Old Days.
WEABS PLUG HAT INTO TOWN
I
" " (
Little Fighter Enters Notorious Settlement
on a Wager and His Nerve
Proves Safeguard. i
i
"Recently the Texas newspapers an- |
nounced the death, in Dallas, of the Tlev. I
S. K. Short, e.n aged peripatetic minister j
of the Presbyterian faith, who, the obit- (
uarles stated, had ridden the circuit of his ,
faith from one end of Texas to the other I
almost since the period when the I.<one Star '
state was a Mexican possession," remarked ,
a civil engineer of Washington who assist- i
ed in the hiri'dlnK of many of the south- 1
western railroads.
"Only a few of the Texas newspapers
made any mention of the fact, however. In
publishing this obituary sketch, that tlie
goodly old traveling preacher of the Presbyterian
faith was the father of the famous
I?uke Short, one-time marshal of Dodge
City when Podge was tW worst place on
the civilised globe. Twenty years and more
ago the country tised to ring periodically
with the deeds of I,uke 8hort He was
often adverted to as a characteristic bad
man of the west, but he was very far from
that. Purine his life T^ikf Short, who died
In his bed from a very commonplace mnlady
fifteen years ago. killed exactly twentv-three
men. hut he didn't murder one of
them: he got every last one of them in the ,
souare lino of duty and necessity. r
"A lot of knife fighter* and cun fanners
who killed for the love of killing and the j
fame of bloody deed? got after Short when j
his reputation as a peace marshal and a (
defender of his own sawed-off person be- v
came national, and the time came when -y
Luke, who was one of the quietest and
most unobtrusive men I ever knew, had to a
walk the world looking before and behind r
him and to keep one eye open even in his f
sleep. s
"A good many lobs were cooked up on t
him bv friends of eenu'nely bad men whom s
he hnd been compelled to send over the a
big divide, and on several occasions In s
Texas, his enemies attempted to railroad r
him to the gallows, and. falling that, to
send him to state's prison for life. But the 1
late Oov. Hogg of Texas, who had me' t
Luke Short early In his Texas career. and 1
who had probed the true value of the man a
was Short's Arm and substantial friend
through all of these troubles, and he was I
at Short's bedside?Hogg then being Oov- 1
amor of Texas?holding his hand when the a
life flickered out of the dauntless little ex- c
marshal of the Dodge peace
How I/tike Came to Dodge. i
"It was Gov. Hogg himself who told me, 1
many years a fro. the story of how Luke ?
Short first arrived In Dodge City, of which t
unspeakable ramp he soon after became i
the night marshal. '
"Short had been In the freighting business
at Durango. Col., and one day he met
up with an old-time freighter who had Just
got In from the long haul-away from Dodge '
City. Luke got Into talk with the old ^
freighter and asked him about Dodge. 1
*' 'They're teUlng me It's right smart bad .
down that way." said Luke. 'Is that rlpht? *
I've been thinking of dropping over that '
way.' t
" 'Well, you stay out of Dodge, podner.' c
replied the old freighter. "They'll sure git t
yo' If vo' go thar. Th*v git two or three r
ev'ry night In Dodge. W"y. on'y las' week c
they put It on a eastern feller fr nothln'
else but proJ#ckln" Into th' camp wearln" a 1:
plug hat'
" 'Is that right?" said Short, calmly, d
'Well, I'm going over to Dodge tomorrow, t
nnd,' he added as a sort of afterthought, v
"I'm going to get In there wearing a plug s
hat. I never wore a plug hat before, but I j
might Just as well begin wearing one In c
Dodge.' I
"The old freighter sized up the small,
compact, sandy-haired Luke out of the cor- e
ner of his eye. probably trying to determine I t
whether Shorrt was crazy or just n four- ' J
flush trying to get by with some high conversation.
" 'Well.' said the old freighter, finally. 'I
got a /hundred here that says yo' ain't
a-goln' t' pull into Dodee wearln' no plug
hat.' and he pulled out his roll.
" 'You're on." said Short, and he corered
the hundred Instantly.
"The old freighter was puixled to have s
his bet picked up so quickly, but he let It e
run as It lay, and both men put up their t
money with the Durango agent of the c
Wells-Fargo Company. As there weren't s
any plug hats In Durango nnd one couldn't j
be got down from Denver within less than t
three days, they arranged to start for
Dodge four days later. s
"When the shiny top-piece arrived from f
Denver the two men took the train for s
Dodge. The old freighter was still unaware \
of Short's Identity as the quickest man on
the trigger then alive, and. In addition to c
that, one of the most accomplished bowle j
fighters. Short hadn't been long out of t
1 CXnB, IKICII, KI1U 11X9 ICJJUIBIIUM MB U. II Mil* J
mer of would-be bad ones hadn't got out of ^
his own country- I
"When the train drew close to Dodge c
City?the old freighter told the story to ^
Gov. Hogg just as the latter told It to me? 0
the older nlan said to Short: v
Freighter Loses Nerve. f
" "Bud. yo' had bettuh take my advice j
heah an' now. an' not git off this train with v
that thing on yo' head. I'll let yo* pull yo' f
bet down. Yo' had bettuh git off'n th'
train with yo" regular hat on.' n
" 1t wbj? mftrtp of ronrsp '
replied Short, and he reached down to the v
band-box, pulled out the brand-new silk n
hat, stroke<? It with the sleeve of his blue ^
flannel shirt, and put It on his sandy head. _
He had two guns strapped to his waist and {
all the rest of the make-up of the frontiersmon
of his day, but yet, with It all. he
looked the quiet, unassuming little chap he
really was. F
"When the train pulled In at Dodge there
was the usual crowd of m>-n at the station,
and the usual number of them were drunk d
and boisterous and ugly. ,
"When he saw the crowd. 'I reckon I'll ,
?tay on board and watch this heah game,'
observed Uie old freighter. " ?
" 'All ri|lit.' said Short, and then he step- 1
ped out to the car platform, a queer pic- 1
ture. with tihe shiny new silk hat set Jaunt- c
lly on one side of his head and his make- 1
up as a frontiersman. c
" 'Howdy, there, Luke." said Jim Purdy.
the day marshal, who was In the station
rrowd. Purdy was the only man In the
rrowd who knew Luke, having met up with I
him in San Antone.
"The eyes of nearly every man in the
crowd of a hundred and odd were on little
Luke Short as he complaisanlly stepped "
from the train, and not a mail said a word a
or made an overt move. There was some- 0
thing In Short's serious countenance, in his ^
up-standing carriage, and probably in the
incongruity of the shiny plug hat in com- ?
bination with the rest of his make-up. tha,t t!
held them off. n
"It would, of course, have been quite In tj
keeping with the customs and practices of
Dodge City for the bunch of men at the
station to shoot that silk hat Into ribbons t!
und flinders as Short deliberately walked w
across from the station ami uown me main w
street without once even turning around, j,
but the thing didn't happen, that's all. a
There wasn't a word said, much less a gun 1
''"Short walked Into the 'Gilded Grub' sa- n
loon, still with that shiny hat set rakishly
in one ear. strolled up to the bar and called
For a drink for himself. There were a lot
if bad men ta tihe- saloon, too. But they f
lust looked. They didn't say anything
ibout the hat and they didn't shoot.
"Short disposed of his drink, and theri he
removed his hat and held It In his hands a
lor a minute. Then he placed It on the floor tv
jf the saloon In front of the bar. brim
iown, and sedately Jumped on It till It was
file merest pulp.
"Meanwhlks. the old freighter with whom 01
le had made the bet had followed him up.
lotlcing that there was no shooting, and
le took Short by the ha^id. a;
' 'Buddy-podner,' he said, 'yo' win. an' le
fo' kin telegruft th' man -at Durango t' In
ihlp th' dust along t' ye. Wile 1 respecks th
po' fr beln' a man o' nerr?, I kain t re- dt
T BECAME
OF DODGE CITY /
speck yo* fr beln* a <1 i! foot, w'lch th*
same, barrin" yo' feelin's an j&skin' yo'
pardon, I thinks yo' is
made Him Marshal. ^
"Three days later Luke Short w hi* made
night marshal of Dodge, and the way he
eventually succeeded in taming that bad
:amp so that most of the bad 'una would ail #
but eat out of his hand is a matter of general
history and recollection with those
who remember the had camps of thla country.
"Now I get to how 1 myself made Luke
Short's acquaintance. Chis happened when
Luke was night marshal of Dodge.
"I was attached to the surveying corps
:>f a branch railroad that whs 1?eing pushed
by a point above Dodge. One night 1 took
It into my hoad to mingle in the hot life of
Dodge for a few hours you arc t< remember
that I was a middling young fellow at
that time. I just hankered to take a U?ok
it Dodge's bunch of hard propositions witii *
the guns strapped to their surcingles, and
hat's what 1 <1 id.
"Hut when 1 got into Dodge tivy didn't t
seem to me to be bad at all, and the\ took
ne in ha.nd and treated me royally, as 1 ^
thought in my foolish, unseasoned way?if
iiakir.g me drink a whole lot more bad
Vhiilrv t?%?- * ?- '
~~j .......i i naa ever ilrank before or
ban was good for me wa* treating me
-oyally.
"Along toward midnight T cot Into a
>oker gajne with four heavy-artlllerled
haps at Toole Klngsley's famous 'Hell and
Busted' combination honkatonk and tnru
?ank Ontf of my tnhlemate* Imt I didn t
Ind this out till later?was one of the moat
nfamoua had men of the Indian Territory.
3ud Kimball, who was lynched a fi w years
ifterward for the murder of .1 whole
amlly in southern Arkansas.
"I had no business playing ca-ds with <
hat bunch In the first place, hut as long
is 1 was In the game I sure-enough had no
iglit to win the way I did. lsut I did win
rom the beginning. My luck in drawing '
(apera was something startling, and an
lour after the beginning of the game all
our of the men 1 was playing with were
egardlng me wtih suspicion.
"Considering the almost miraculous luck
had, I couldn't really blame them, either.
t made no difference what 1 drew to. 1 got
he top hand nearly every time Fat hands
cere slipped to me almost a* often a,s pairs
trere served out to the other fellows.
-
a. >."uiJic oi nours the luck took
mother switch. While I seemed to Ret
lothlng at all on the deals of the other h
ellows. I dealt myself bands that positively
melt of brimstone, aiul this fact didn't
end to soften i.ie glares that they ail hetowed
upon me. Every time 1 showed up
ine of these remarkable self-dealt hands % i
Old ?cooped In a pot I felt my back hair '
1sing.
"Finally It was my deal on a Jackpot.
The man on my left cracked It. and It was
toosted all around till It got up to me. 1
lad four eights, and of course 1 Just mtturJly
had to h'lst It the limit.
"I was pretty shaky over doing this, but
was conscious of my own entire Innocence,
had been drinking a heap of had whisky.
ind I was determined to play the string
>ut, anyhow.
"They looked at me pretty hsrd when I
aised It the limit before the draw, and
jrobably there was tome knee-ruhblng
They all slid their beans to the center, how.
iver, standing the raise, and when it got .
iround to Bud Kimball he slammed ills
>undle of gold?he was shy of chips and
fused to buy any more?Into the heap,
ylth a great oath.
Bud's Ultimatum.
" 'Bud,' ha said to me. looking at me
lard out of his little red eyes, 'some o' your
pork here t'nlght has been so cut-an'-drled
uonin as i' excite a hull lot o' doubt about
our beln' on th' square. If you happen t'
luve anythln' In that flat o' your'n ttils
lme that'll top th' good ones I'm clingin'
into right now. then you havln' dished out
his mess yourself, there won't be no munler
o' question about your l>e!n' a proper
rook.'
"There were a few little flowers of speech *n
that address that I won't elalKirate.
"Was I scared? Well, the cards Just
IrOpped out of my hand, face up. on the
able, I was so scared. I was so paralyzed
irith fear that I simply couldn't move or I
ay a word, and, what's more, I'm not a
article ashamed to own up to It. When the
:ards fell out of my hand that way Klm>ali
reached over and picked them up.
" 'Well, you are a crook, ain't you?" he
laid when he saw the value of the hand
hat topped his three aces, and as he spoke
le whipped out the big gun In the right side
>f his belt. I was pretty middling blind
vith the realization of what this move
neant, and of my own defenselessness and
vhen I heard a loud report I gave It all up
ind figured It out that I was already about
hree-quarters of the distance over the big
Uvlde.
"When I opened my eyes a second later I
law Kimball staring at the door. His right
irm was hanging limp at his side. His gun
lad fallen on tihe table without having been
lischnrged, and his left arm was In the
ilr. So were the arms of the other three
nen. and they also had their eyes glued on
he door.
"I twisted around to look that way roylelf.
Standing quietly In the doorway, with
lis two guns covering the ftvo of us. was
in undersized, red-bearded, blue-eyed man
rith an aggressive Jaw.
"He was Luke Short, Dodge's night marhal.
I had observed him eyeing me earlier
n the evening when I first got mixed up at
he bar with the fellows who had Invited me 4
nto the poker game. I didn't know who he "?
vas then, and I wondered why he was sizng
me up so sharply. I knew Inter, of
ourse, that he saw I was a tenderfoot who
va-s likely to get Into serious trouble In'er
in In I ho mtori(no- The oliat T a A r,1
vhen I'd given the whole thing up was
rom one of I>uke Short's guns. It had f
aught Bud Kimball In the right shoulder
ust In the nick of time, causing the gun
i-lth which the killer meant to kill me t<>
all from his ihand.
" 'Slope for your camp, son,' Raid the lit
le night marshal to me. In his quiet way,
nd 1 was out of that room llko a cat.
"In later years I got on friendly terms
kith Short, and he told me that two of the
nen who had been at that poker table with
ne In Dodge had laid for him for his inerference
that night and that he had be?i
ompelled to kill them both In self-deense."
CLARENCK U Ct'LiLEN
4
Magazine for Chinese Women. ?
'rom tlie Lomlon Woman.
There is now published In Poking a
ally newspaper for women, edited by a
voman. It Is called the Poking Women's
rournal. Tills Is a remarkable sign of the
Lwakenlng of a country where women
vere for so long kept entirely In subj.
ion. Since the Boxer uprising the leaders
>f the nation have realized that women
nust be educated, and that their opinion*
:annot any longer be Ignored.
Rapid-Transit Car-Cleaning.
*rDm the Philadelphia Record. ?
"How long does it take to clean the win
lows of one of our cars?" said a ralro.nl
nan at the Reading terminal. "Well. Just
s long as It takes one ir.an to clean one
f the windows. That Is not very long. Is * I
;? The fact Is. the pressure on the ro;
ng stock of all railroads Is so great i.- w
hat when a train comes in enough men
le put to work cleaning It to enable it to
ike Its place In an outgoing train In i
;w~ minutes. As you can see for yours* If,
here Is a man on the ladder at every
rindow of this ear?and every man is .
rorking as rapidly as he can to clean his
articular window W hen he's done they #
re all done anil the windows are cleaned.
'he same crew then tackles another ca .
otng over it in the same way. A U w
linutes does the job."
In an East Side Kindergarten.
roni Har|>er'K Weekly.
Little Solly (hrts brow puckered by Intelctual
strain as lie scans <>n the blackboard
sketch of a milkmaid and cattle)?"One ?
?o?three?three cows!"
Teacher?"Yes. and what else?"
Little Solly (in triumphant haste)?"And
ie lady!" '
Teacher ?"How many altogether?"
Little Solly?"One?two?three?" (stops ?id
draws his right foot up and down his
ft leg.) "One?two?th-th-three(I'ause* .-?
a desperate effort to count a little fur- '
ler. then gasps:) "Oo-oo-ooh, teacher. I
m't know how to add up cows and ladies!" >

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