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An ofl\ la! of t!i?? Treasury Department
who nj?\v <1 11j? <un!';(i-nrt' of former Secretary Shaw <h;rinx the Iattor's regime con M *? n \! r fih:uv ?mr? <?f brightest nnd most lii'ef-'iiiK st'>ry t-IIors that ever gra .n! th?? f*r- si.i??n- s caMnet. "Mr. Shaw's h ronij forte, !n>*vcvfi, has always been' i?'*j>arte*\" this oJti- i ll said. "He was addressing a I ir^. rrurting in Washington a year or so ..no anj Jo* was advocating saving <tir.on^ ij'ov ? rnrnnt < Icrks an<l small- ' pa!.tri?-?f perj-ons II** wis warming up t<? i the su! t. as saving has always been ;t1 hobby with him. and he was saying 'Kvry onu of \ ou should ho suing for old age ! You shouldn't be looking for fortune t?< j drop on you or to be pensioned by your employ* rs when you get too old to be ::scful. Why 'lnn't y>.i put something in bank ?v**r> wvk, if only one dollar?' "Mr Shaw w;n interrupts] it that point by a s.j- k-haired, overdressed young man, tvho shouted: Ves. and then have the bank " "Well, if any hank fal's It will never have any of your money in It.' Mr. Shaw quickly replied." * * * * * "I ion trainers are born, not made." said Prof Mc-Pherson. one of America's foremost trainers of th"se pets from the jungles. while relating some of his experiences to a number of friends at Jamestown rec?ntly. "A good many professional men lay claims , to tills saying about being born ami not mad?\ hut ( have seen it clearly demon- | trated In my profession. "The best example of it happened when I ! was with a bis show several years ago. We | won* traveling through Kentucky when we ran short o^ 'helpers* to feed the animals, sweep up and make themselves generally i useful around the arena. In answer to ! an advertisement a big. raw-boned, muscu- j lar mountaineer, about twenty-flve years old, presented himself, and. after saying he ! wasn't 'skeered of getting hurt, was tak^n ' on. His name was Hill. We all told him w?hat to do and to be very cautious about vn'j aminni.^, pai ucuiHi'iv i\,merson, a I>1 Hon that was said to be the fiercest In cap- ! tlvtty. a regular man-eating lion. 'Whatever you do.' we told him, 'keep away from that brute Kmerson.' "That very afternoon he went to work about the cages. sweeping and watering. While we performers w re in th dining tent, the proprietor, thinking he heard some funny noises, went in :Jv- arena where the various animal cag^s were kept, to see if any tiling was wrong. He looked about for a second and then spied Bill in Emerson's cage, busily engngr-d in sweeping up the floor. The cagt do< r was open and the big lion whs nowhert to be seen. "The boss rushed to the workman and excitedly cried, 'What are you doing in merer*' *' uh. jest cleanin' up a little." the big mountaineer coolly replied. j " My God. man. where is the lion. Km- i erson?" ;t.-ked the old-time trainer. " 'Oh. he's all right. I Jest tied him to that pole down there fit the end of the yard. He's tied tight all right ' I>ill >aid. "That story Is absolutely true. That big country bump we hired went to Emerson s rage and without any thought of fear or consequences put a rope around his neck and l?'d Mm to the post he spoke of. lie j told me afterward tjiat the llun never as much as trb-d to sen t h him Whether I lion was overrated as a man-eater or whether Hill's unheard-of action daz-ii him, 1 don't know. But 1 do know th.it Kill id tod'iy one of tli- moat successful and fear1 ss lion trainers in the world." ***** Assls'ant I'rosecuting Attorney JohnWcyr!ch of the I'ollce <"ourt had the unpleasant | sensation of beiYig locked up for several nvlnuti-s In a <: ?11 of the court a few days j ago Several new bailiffs were appointed for I the court July 1. and one of them was put ] In charge of the cellro,,m for the District j Dranc-h of the court. He was not familiar j wl:li the various officials <>f the court, par ilcularlv those of the I'm'ted States branch. | *'lth which he had no connection. A short time ifter he took up hl:l duties | >ne of the prisoners In his charge began shouting .in.l i raying mil ruisi..g quite j E u?,t* xr I i\l- I uiriioy Weyruh never misses such events, ] ind lie soon was entering the cellroom, i >f whli li the entrance is rnucn easier i :h;?n the exit. "IWn k to this cell.' v?*?Ile?l the bnsinessik*? Nail iff. moti)n!iifcc to Mr Weyrich. "What's that!" exclaimed the visitor. "You are to oinc ba-k here," and tlie | DISSATI *r<uu th?* Tutlor. mmmam .. The I>ruil|it?- "WVi'. my nn! plac?> v.on' ?eek. precious little to . at. miles ol wuiJe ?anl me to tut tor Wenua." WNGS Pm/tEAKD p^JEEN | bailiff prentlv but firmly took Mr. "Weyrich by the shoulder. "I'm assistant prosecuting attorney," protested Mr. Weyrlch. "We'll see about that later." announced the bailiff, opening a cell door. "Send for Lum Harper if you don't believe me," said Mr. Weyrich. and Mr. Harper was called. Now he enjoys a joke, and when lie saw the situation in the cell room he recognized the humor of it Without cracking a .smile iie looked at Mr. Weyrich. I never saw him before," announced Mr. Harper. sav anythtai? for a minute. Meanwhile j Deputy Marshal Gash happened i ito the i rellroom. ! 'Trying' the cells from the inside. Wey! rich?" Gash asked. | "Do you know him?" the bailiff asked, j quickly. j "Why. yes; lie's in Prosecuting Attor; r.ey Given's office." Kxplanations were in order; but as Mr. i Weyrieh understood the situation he , asked for none, and now he visits the ! cellroom whenever he wants. I ***** dry wit. and who takes the keenest delight in playing practical jukes of a harmless 1 nature on unsuspecting humanity, recently scored a good one on Cymbaline, the col1 ored woman who is employed at his home i as maid of all work. The woman had engaged in a wordy war with another colored I girl, !t appeared, and th<- latter had threati ened to git de man after her." Thi's, in i the vernacular of the alleys and byways. ! meant that she wouxl have the offending : woman arrested. "Cymbaline," exclaimed the Treasury I clerk at the breakfast tab-e the other morni lng. "I'm a.fraid that girl is going to make | serious trouble for you." i "What is she bin don' now. Mr. Wil| liam?" asked the frightened servant. "Why," was the reply, "she has taken I out a writ of annimiraculous against you | wobbled." "laws a-merry!" shrieked Pymballne as she lied hi terror to the kitchen. ***** I "Down in North Carolina." 3aid a Wash\ ingtonian the other day, "a well-known ! family has had the habit for generations of i having the caskeis for tne various members of the family prepared years in ad! vani'f of the anticipated demise of any member. A special room has been provided for the coffins and for a._number of years j the women folk have packed jars of pre! serves in the caskets as the sweets kept i well when so packed. About two years ago i one of th>- members of the family died and i after she had been placed in one of i.ie I'.-mV.T* ft \v:i** snnled ami nbiced in t4?e 1 room together with the other cofilns. Later | the funeral cortege wended its way to the neighboring cemetery and deposited the I casket In a vault preparatory to a later j Interment. The next day one of the members of the family went to the "coffin | room" to ge t a jar of preserves, opened the ! top of one of the coffins and revealed the i features of her relative. Now it is said ; the stores of preserves and jellies are ! packed in another part of the house." ***** Gov. Harris of Ohio is one of those plain citizens and conservative gentlemen who | find it impossible to sound the depths of | finance, to get any intelligent idea as to I what cans ? stocks to go up or down. The I governor has never invested in securities beyond the realm of real estate, and his ! entire holdings are in good farm lands. | He owns a section of land near his Ohio 1 home, and he drives out every now and > then to look it over and to sse that the I tenants are taking good care of it. j The governor freely admits that he has i failed yi his estimate of stock values, and 1 to Illustrate his failing in that way t'ils how he once failed to make a clear pmtit of in Southern Railway, common. He had completed his term as a member of the industrial commission in this city and had listened to a gr^-at deal of testimony concerning ai sorts of corporations. Including ail the great transportation lines his labors a surplus of salary of about $lo.<*4V and one of his friends advised him to buy Southern Railway, common, stock, which was then selling at $lo a share. The Kovernor accepted the tip with thanks and proceeded to make a further investigation Into the affairs of the Southern system. He re-read all tho testimony that had been offered before the commission, and Ki t a vast amount of other literature on the subject. He finally became an authority on the subject of that stock anl could have made loo per cent in an examination to show his familiarity with all the details of the railroad so far as the records were concerned. He came to the conclusion that the com?>> in ?tivk hml no fntiiri-* nrul acting on his judgment invested his sur| plus casli in farm lan.ls. Then with the same promptness Southern, common, begun to climb, and it went up step by step to $:;i> a share, and all within a few months of the day the governor decided not to invest in it. SFIED. * CV&P t No an artist's*. I'm v??ry sure Two bob a is lu clean, and now a.i tli- iiuperenct to HE FELT IT COMING "Yes. ?iree." maundered the red-nosed, inconsequential-looking little man in the groggery, as he blew the foam off the top of an edition of 'the talirst in Washington for a nickel,' "there's goln' to be a panic all right enough. There sure Is. I kin feel It a-eoonin'. All the signs p'tiit to It. It's in th' air. Stock market a-tumblin' and all th' rich poepul with money t' invest a-gittin' skeeart an' all like that. Oh, there's a panic due all right. You kin take It from me." However, none of the loungers about the groggery appeared to be in a state of any immediate alarm over the prediction. They just went right on lounging. "An' it's a-goin' t' be some panic, too," went on the little red-nosed man. "Devil t' pay an' no pitch hot?tmit's what It's a-goin' t' be. Tell you what, it's a good tiling t' be livin' In Wash'n'n endurin' a panic. > see, panics don t much hurt tills town. Old gov'ment coin keeps th' pot ii-!>i!in- here. But in them commercial towns?geemeeny crickey, but w'en this panic comes?an' it's a-comin", you hear me?there'll be tough times." The barkeep swabbed the bar off with his giimy towel, and the loungi-rs continued to lounge, and nobody appeared to be in the least dismayed by the direful prognostications of the little man with the rutnmifereus beak. "This yen' Roosevelt feller may be all right?1 ain't sayin' that he isn't?but he sure is a-rok'n' it Into them fyenanciers all right, all right," the inconsequential | man pushed forward, unmindful of the ] neglect with which his diseurse was being j received. "An", after all, them's til' pec-pul J th.it run things in tiiis country, hain't . they? An', if we didn't have no fyinanci> i s, we'd be hum ilooces in a punker no deck, wouldn't Wf? An' there's sonietliin' ! a-cotnin' t' them, too. hain't there, f'r run! nin' tilings? Well, I guess! An' yet ! they're gutin' it w'ere Minnie wears th' j moose-teeth. It ain't right, that's what I'm a-sayln". No-pec, it ain't right! Hey? And still the habitues of the groggery j were quite undisturbed. They lapped up : their suds with quite their usual complaisance, and continued to gaze around them in quite their ordinary soused bovine way, and the little red-nosed man's personally conducted monologue wasn't stampeding tliein a little bit. But he was going just to suit himself, and so he continued: ' Remember them soup-hr?ises that they had around Chicago un" New York an' them big towns back in ninety-three? Well, that's what we're a-goin' t' git ag'in. Soup-houses. That's wl at. Helluva note. too. w'en th' t'nited States gits into th' soup-house game, ain't it? Well, I shn'd Sillieak ' Sfllin-tinnouo' i lrn.i * rr\<r wVn th" best we kin do In this country is t' start soui>-houses l"r men that ain't s"t no work! We ought t' go bag our heads, that's what! Hey?" I!ut they just wouldn't get het up. They declined to. They were busy with their grog and their own thoughts and their own lolling, and the promise of the economic wrath to come didn't feaze them a teenchy little bit. "You fellers mav think D?nfrs 1? ftin " ! went on the little red-nosed man. "but I'm a-teilin' you that they're not. They're th' bad stuff sure 'nough. Homeless widows, starvln' orphans, an' all like that. No fun 'bout panics. An' we're headin' fr a panic just as sure as we're standln' or sittin' here, you listen t' me!" Just at this stage of it a huge, stout, tall woman, with tousled black hair, and a hatchct face, and just an ordinary string pulled around her house wrapper to keep it down at the middle, bounded through the swinging doors of the groggery. She t'i"k one short, but extremely comprehensive. look at the r"d-noaed little man, and then she was at him in about two-and-one-half jumps. She grabbed him by the slack of his coat collar and yanked him around in front of the bar for a little while. Then she jammed him up into a dim corner of the groggery. against the beer refrigerator, and swatted him a couple of stinging ones in the face with the palm of her large, bony hand. Then she pulled his bum-looking straw hat off his head, tosst ! it onto the fit or. and stamped on i?, all the time maintaining her clutch on his t o it collar. Then she re?ch"d over with h<*r left band and poked him a real tidy one right In the pit of the stomach, evoking several eloquent grunts from him. Then she stood htm up against the bar, and shaking her !oos<> hand at him, she addressed him thus: "Von little chopped-off, saw-d-off bum, you! You zi-ro with th' rim t'>re off! You little ratty hunk o' nothin'ness! You piece o" chefsiYou onnery bar-room loafer, standin' here with a crowd o' lazy, drunk'n louts, an' drinkln' up th' money that I si.inn Dv.-r a wash-tub t' get! You common. cheap. no-account piece of trash! You slab-sided r"bbit, that ain't clone a day's work sence I married you! You. you?you come along with me this mir.nc-t, you hunk o" glue, or I'll break ev'ry bone in your good-f'r-nothin' carcass, an' if you lr-t out s-rnuch as ime wor.l I'll " Jiy this time she had him through the swinging doors, and the rest of her little addross, as she all but booted the little red-nosed man down the street to their i peaceful shack, was lost upon the grogI gery loungers. But they hadn't forgotten the little monologue of the red-nosed man. "That duclt was there wit' th' dope, all right, wasn't he?" observed one of the loungers, with a rummy grin. "There sure was a panic all right." Old Remedies. From "Forest awl stream. j Two of the i'ls to which outdoor men and | women are susceptible Just now are the ef! fects of sunburn an<! ivy poison. Either one is exceedingly unpleasant, and whila all sorts of lotions are recommended, few allay the acute suffering of the lirst few days. Two of these, however, are recommended. Both are ol'l-time remedies of known value. There are those who claim that a generous anointment of the skin with vaseline before exposure to the sun will prevent excessive burning, and this Is no doubt true. Fair persons, however, do not realize the extent of the burning until too !at<>. Thev should then anoint their Mistered arms and netjks with ('aron oti. kpplyirg it frequently until the inflammation disappears. Tliis is merely equal parts of lins ed oil and limewater, obtainable at any apttfheCary shop. Care should be taken lest tiie clothing absorb the oil, for it is very 'ifflcult to re- j move it, once it has dried in linen or other fabrics. For ivy poi3on use tincture grin- ] delia (grindelia robustai. also obtainable J anyv.here. Bathe the affected parts in hot w!tter, avoiding the use of soap, then dry i them without rubbing, and apply the tine- | tare frequently until the tiny blisters are | dried up. Soap helps to spread the poison. Hot water relieves the itching and also provents excessive sloughing. "White" and "Black" Damxj. From the Scranton Tribune. It is now ascertained that the disaster in the Honey Brook, No. 1. slope of the Wilkesbarre Coal Company was due to "white damp." The white damp is usually j found In a mine after a tire; the black I dair.p after an explosion. The presence of white damp in the old j aDanuonea workings or the Honey Hrook mine puzzled the officials of the company for a tim\ At length it was recalled that there had been a lire in the mine at one time. W'U'ii it was abandoned, and that the white damp must have remained there ever since. The white damp is a most deadly poison. Superintendent Morgan of the mine says that it was a foolish thing for the rescue parties to have persisted In entering the mine when they did. However, they could not be stopped. It Is a miracle how the last party, at any rate, came out alive. A Successful Prophet. From the Travel Magazine. Across the water are the handsome resl- | dences u|>on the "Neck," the settlement of which masks one more epoch In the history of the town. Marblehead Neck is a small strip of land .containing some ">00 acres, and a half century ago It was used for pasturing of cattle, being tit for little else. The land was barren and rocky, and It Is small wonder the gi>od folk of Marblehead laughed when its own.'r stoutly declared that it would one day be covered with gold dollars, and at the less preposterous statement of one of the smaller owners who declared that when his claim was worth $10,(MM! he would sail it. It seemed preposterous enough in thosa days. bui. the Neck today is worth a fabulous price, and the eunimer residences which cover it represent smali lortuuos in themselves. PANSY, TFE MILL GEL I "I wonder." mused Willful Pansy, the m?l maiden, "if he will notice me?" And the moat beautiful gel of all the I thousands of female employes of the vast I carpet works tossed her pretty bead and i felt of her Immense vampire-shaped black ' hair rtbbons In an arch sort of way as she i bent over her loom. | "They say." Bhe went on musing, despite j the fact that the hare-armed and scar-faced , foreman was looking at her disapprovingly ! from the nearby doorway in which he stood framed in ail his ugliness?"they say that : he Is very handsome?like a Greek god. | Oh. Isn't that lovely?'like a Greek god?' i Now. Isn't that original! I really wonder, though. If it is original or whether I made i It up myself?" | Pleased at her little fancy, the dainty i Pansv?daintv desolte the fact that her ; shoes looked to be three sizes too large for her and flopped around and ran over the heels In a way that was exc?edlng!y mortifying to the poor, sad-souled gel?the dainty ! Pansy, called "willful" by all of her eom: panlons at the mill because of her pretty, pouilsh ways, smiled to herself. , "Handsome." she continued musing, "and they say. too. that he has besn hawbly dis; sipatcd abroad. Oh. these gay, care-free. ! debonair men?how little do they under' stand the souls of we wom?n!" and she_ i sighed a little sigh. "P.ut he is so young? ! only twenty-fnur?and tltey say that young : men must sow their wild oats. And yet, ir | gels attempt to sow any wild oats " i And again the hapless mill gel, saddened and sobered before her time?she was only eighteen, but both her father and mother were village drunkards, and were doing thirty-day bits in the workhouse most of the time?again she gave a little sigh I "Oh. it is foolish." she went on. reflect! ing, after that last sigh, "to suppose that he would deign to so much as notice sueh j as me?that he would so much as cast his ' glance upon poor iitt'e Willful Pansy, the j loom gel. Th? 1 -ely ge'.s with the fine clothes, and educated at Vassar and all like that, up at the old manor house where he will live with his people, they will attract ail his attention, and he will never ] so much as see poor me." 1 nf h^r avm with h*?r flipan ! little handkerchief as a realization of the heaviness of her life came sweeping over | 1 her' : "He will he home tomorrow. ' she went j on saying to herself, "and he will be feted ! for days, and all of the tenants of the old manor house will go up there to do him | honor, and he will made hltf fine and j pretty speeches to the ge's visiting his sis- j ters up yonder on the hill, and then?per- j haps not until two or three days have j ; passed?he will come down here to the mill 1 ! to take charge?and here I am ofT In a I ' corner, put here a-purpose by that m -an I oi l foreman, the hateful thing, so that j none of the many visitors who come here | ran so much as see m.* at all'" and the ! ; downtrodden mill gel, feeling the rebellion 1 rising within her pretty bosom, took on an i air of pouting that was exceedingly becoming to her. ! "And yet." she went on. after a little while, "if he could only see m^?well. they do say that I have a pretty skin, and nice : eyes, an 1 that my figger is as good as j anybody's?if not better?I wish I could | | wear my straight-front corsets while work- j i Ir.g here at the mill, but of course T can't? I ar.d I gu"ss my hair is nice to look at, even i if it isn't Marcel waved, and?but how i perfectly silly X am! There isn't a chance j in the whole wide world. I suppose, that l the dear, handsome, <!issipat^d tiling will so much as s e me. ar.d her.' I am bui'ding J castles in Spain?but how beautiful them castles are?how bee-yu-ti-ful!" ! The reader will havt apprehended Ions ' t> Core this that our heroine, the pretty. ' pouting Willful Pansy, was cogitating to ' herself over the expected arrival homo that ; day, from the University of Heidelberg, i where he had been studying?of course ; where lie had been studying?of young ! Ralph Ray flltkale. the reckless, spend! thrift, yet handsome and lovable scion of : the hous? of Gitkale. who. despite a'l of his ; youthful wil 'ness at the various European | universities to which he had been sent, was ! fairly idolized by his father, arid who was | still remembered by all of the older tenants | on the manor estate as a h?ndsonv. rollicking. 'e'il-m.iy-eare lad whose antics in ' the village were never at an end. j And now. today, that same gay Rilpli Ray. now grown to manhood, and with the appealing record of having h??n chuck'-d I out of three Errop^an universities for his , roTickingness, was returning to the old j manor, there to be wecomed by his father I and mother and Hist?rs and. in a day or so. i to take complete charge of the immense carpet works, his old father having' made j that announcement to the h?ad of the de: rmrtments oralv n short time before. I On the following forenoon our beautiful I young heroine. Willful Pansy, her heart ! filled with some Inexplicable joy. was bendj ing over her loom, when there stroll"'! up i to the railing behind which she worked a f ta'l, broad-shouldered, rather good-look| ing young chap, with the exception that his J eyes were sonv bloodshot and that he had i other indications about him of be.ng a good | deal of a rummy. I Ah! WJio shall say. dear reader, that, 'after all.'Kismet and Niivana an 1 Khnron | haven't a great deal to do with our little j affairs here on earth? | With tremulous heart and trembling i ! hands Willful Pansy bent over h.-r work j ftt the loom. What hai brougt-t him '"ere i so soon? What wild, impossible whimsy I of the god of good for-chune iiad brought i i h'm. straight as if he were being guided I I there by some unseen hand, right up to her | j very loorjj. and at a moment, too. when she 1 . w as conscious Ol lUUHIIlt; liei \ j j | for ha In't slic. that morning, spent a fu'l j i hour, by the light of the little lamp in her > ! room?for it was before daylight?fixing j ! her hair and arranging the big black vam- I | pire-shaped black ribbons in her back hair | so as to get the most winsome effect out of ! j them? She sure'had! I And there he was, standing at the little j ; rail, just gazing and gazing and gazing at j ; her as she bent over th? loom?and the j ! whole world, decked in ro3e. swam before ' : h-r! ! "I wonder what he is thinking," she said ! i to hersalf as her heart went pit-a-pat. "I j ! wonder if he is noticing that dimple on the j : riijht-hand side of my face? I must smile, i I as if to myself, so that ho will see that," i : and, as if swept by som 1 tender humorous I thought, the beautiful young niill gel J smiled until she knew that the Simple ought to 1>p showing up fine. "I mustn't let him s*ie me looking; at him." sir- saiil to herself, her heart boating I faster and faster, "and yet. if I could only j catch another glance at his face " and, III 11 > . SsIIW SIIUl iL M"" K KliAIUjr til II1 III out of the corner of her eye. And when she did that he caught her at it. and he actually smiled back at her! "My heaven! he is going to say something to me!" she said to herself then. "Oh, dear. if he should ask for the honor of seeing me hom"' from the mill?I've read stories just like that?and then make mo some compliment about my hair, I know T shall just perish from embarrassment, 'deed I shall!" and for a moment she felt panic stricken. "But I must gain control of myself. Perhaps?tfho knows??it will not be long before he will ask me up to the manor house to meet his mother and sisters, an'! how hawbly Jealous all the old things of gels here wi l be If he do?s that, and then maybe he'll " However, Willful Pansy, the beautiful mill gel. was Just a little bit ahead of the sprint on her (lope. He did speak to her, it is true, but what he haid, as he po'nted the unsteady finger of a morning rummy at her back hair, was this: "Say, look a-here, sis, what's all o' that cashmere or alpaca swaddling that you've I erot stickin' out o' your back hair, hey? [ Ribbons, you call it? We'l. say. I never thought there was that much ribbon in the world! Anyhow, you've sot to flag all o" that stuff in your hair. Mi'n, or Blanche, or whatever they call you. and I'll teil you why: First thing you know all o" that ribbon Junk o' yours'll get caught In the machinery, and you'll be dragged around on a belt or something three or four million times, and then you'll be hollerln' around her for the guv'nor to pay you damages, and all like that, and that damage gag Is goln' to be cut out, now that I'm runnln' this dump. Understand? All right, sis. Just you strip your hemp of all o' that ribbon gear and you can go right on workin' here, but if you can't see it that way you can go and get your time right now. see?" Oh. the hapless maiden, Willful Pansy, and helas! for her castles In Spain! .uanisn naeiweisa. Krimi I,p Figaro, Parts. The edelweiss that is sold in Switzerland comes this year, it appears, from the neighborhood of Copenhagen. The little Alpine flower ha3 been so often gathered by tourists that it is becoming more and more rare oa our mountain/ MR. JOBSON ON FLATS "I*m getting sick of this up-and-downstai-s business, that's what," grunted Mr. Jobson one night last week as he puffed and wheesed Into the bedroom, where Mrs. Jobaon was taking down bar hair and preparing for bed. It was one of Mr. Jobson's opening guna. *nu, noi unavrstanatng me purport or iv, Mrs. Jobson pretended that tier mouth wu too full of hairpins to permit of her making any comment. "Climbing and tolling up Into the air like a blasted chimpanzee that goes to bed in the top of a cocoanut palm?I'm getting tired of that simian stuff; getting too old for that kind of thing" Mr. Jobson went on grunting, as he undid his collar and tie. Mrs. Jobson, still being unable to fathom the meaning of It, went on pretending that she was speechless from hairpins. "I s'poae," went on Mr. Jobson. noticing her silence, "that you'd be willing to live in a mud hut or a pup tent or any old thing, wouldn't you? \Vh?n It comes to that laissez-faire gag that Teddy talks about, you sure have got everybody I know burnt to ashes. Most ambitlonless woman I ever heard or read of. Just as lief live on board a canal boat with the mules if yon were once planted on one. wouldn't you?" "I am su e." gald Mr.?. Jobsun, tn a most agreeable tone, "that I haven't the least idea in the world whnf von are talkinc about." "Didn't suppose j-ou would have," growled Mr. Jobson. "When 1 come home here I have to talk down like as if I was trying to reach the understanding of four-yearold young 'uns. and still you can't get hold of the meaning of anything I say. Well, just to save you any further agonizing mental effort, Mrs. Jobson. permit me to put it just as piairJy as It can be put. and in as few 'words: We are going to move to a flat." "A Hat!" exclaimed Mrs. Jobson, turning f:om the dresa>r to him with an expression of the most acute surprise on her face. "A flat!" "Say, wait a minute." replied Mr. Jobson. "Don't twist your face up that way. "Watchoo trvinir to do??rive m.> a faithful Imitation of one of those lava busts of an Ka.ster Islander on a drunk? Straighten your countenance out. If you please, and try and not look as If you'd been caressed on the wrist by an asphalt roller. Flat. That's what I said. F-l-a-t. You've heard of 'em. haven't you? I don't mean a floating bamboo house on the Yang-Tse-Kiang river, nor a Sonora 'dobe, nor an Aztec rave in the side of a mountain, nor a dugout in Zambesiland. Flat. That's the word I used. Perhaps you'll b? willing to idmlt that you've heard, somewhere or >ther, of what a flat Is?" "Oh." said Mrs. Jobson, smiling, her first shock or surprise having given pi.ico | lo the conviction that the flat thing, after j ?11, would never be, "of course I know what you mean, but I merely remembered | how you had alway9 said how you hated ] and despised and abominated flats, and, of j course. I naturally thought?" "That I hated and dtspi.sed and abominated flats, dd you say?" broke in Mr. Jobson. "Say that again, won't you? Who? Me? That I didn't like flats, did L under- j stand you to say? Say. look a-here. This | thing is going just a little bit too far. You j tand there and tell me a thing like that. ; when, for a good five years at the very ; least. I have been scheming and contriving I *nd conniving to tlnd some way to get you j io like llats so that I could move into one of 'em. and here you?" ' "But," interrupted Mrs. Jfjbson, "haven't you often said that there wasn't any sort >f privacy for folks living in flats, r.nl 'hat you'd just as soon live out on the top >f a house, and that " "If ever I save utterance to a mess of lunk like that." cut in Mr. Jobson, "it must have been while I was under the influence if a couple pounds of stewed hasheesh, and you know it. I've been hankering, as far back as I can remember, to duck al! Df this fool business of climbing ui> and lown stairs, and yanking coal up from thi cellar in the winter, , and stacking up a whole lot of tons of ashes to be sifted, and fooling around with backyard garbage that the garbage wagon would forget to ca 1 for a. week or so at a stretch and tizjfigging around generally in the antiquated style of | living, when every fellow I know that wears a hat bigger than four and three-e'-ghths size moved into a Bat years and years ago." "But," mildly expostulated Mrs. Jobson, "you know there -ire annoyances In flats just as well as there aro in houses, and if we "Yes, and sometimes the ice machine or the perfumed fountain on a 400-foot white steam yacht breaks down, but that doesn't keep people from riding on 'em that've got the price," heaved in Mr. Jobson. "If you're willing to go on crawding up and down creaking stairs for the balance of your life?and the years are not sliding a ong any slower for you than they arc for nve, always remember that?and if you like this thing of having a house filled with the smell of coal gas half the time in the cold weather, and if you're just ciazy over this dark ages scheme of eating your meals down in an underground ^basement, and if you " "Cut." put in Mrs. Jobson, "don't you recall that, about two years ago. 1 was eager to move into a Hat. and how, when X toid you of it you Slid that you'd be " "No, madam," grunted Mr. Jobson, "and I don't remember that I wrote Gray's Elegy, or that I cleaned Jim Keene out of iiilie mi.nun uuiiais in wan sui-ei, or mac i was elected grand vizier of the Llhama of Thibet in lSUsi, or that I was burned to death in a steamboU fire hist week. ! never mentioned the word flat In this plant that you didn't begin to romp and rare around like something four-legged with i fourteen old oyster cans tied to it. I'm | going to be all movsd into a flat by the 1st of September. You '--an get on your hustling togs tomorrow and go out and look for one. I'm going to run this dump for twenty minutes or so myself. and find out how it feels." "In what part of town do you want your flat?" inquired Mrs. Jobson. not with the least notion of looking for one anywhere, but merely to satisfy her curiosity as to whether Mr. Jobson really had any ideas on that subject or not. "I don't care where the flat Is, 30 long as it's handy and convenient, and all on one floor, like the rest of flats," pronounced ?lr. Jobson. "It can be in Foggy Bottoms or Swampoodie, or tne lia<i banus, or in Murder Bay, or in Bloodfields?it's all one to me. so long as i^ a flat. We'll move out o' here on the morning of September 1. Now that's settled. Be so good as to permit ma to go to sleep now. won't you?" Mr. Jobson awoke in iiuito a breezy frame of mind on the following morning, and. as soon as he got his clothes on. ha scampered down to tho back yard, braced up some hollyhock bushes that wer> leaning a bit j away from the fence, raked the backyard grass, and puttered around quite a little before breakfast. He actevi a gooi deal like a man in the enjoyment of home life and home comforts, and, watching him, Mrs. Jobson was more than ever convinced that the last thing that her spouse wanted or needed on earth was a flat. He didn't say anything more about the flat at breakfast, either, and when he came home from the office the subject was still | auaeill Hum ino IUHIU. evening lut: Jobsons went to the flat of a couple on their list of intimates to play the card game known as five hundred. They p'ayed the card game on the dinins room tab'.e, and through the dumbwaiter shaft, in the rear, they could heir a man with a raucous basso profundo upbraiding his wife because the lamb chops for the day's dlnn.-r had been stringy and "not fit for a dog," as the bass i profundo announced so that everybody in the neighborhood could hear it. Somewhere ofT In the rear some melancholy Individual was studying the rudiments of th?* tiute, producing most soul-harrnwing and distnal sounds. while on the floor below a colicky baby?It must have been coll-cky or somethingwalled without intermission. "Well." -^aid Mrs. Jobson as they came away?and there was a lig-ht of crafty triumph In her eye as she said It. "I shall be starting out In the morning; to look for a flat. I know of one " "Oh. you will, will you?" poked in Mr. Jobson. with his Jaw protruding menacingly. "That 11 be flne-?-for you! When are win crolnir to ?et out to look for the irolden I fleece and the apples of the Hesperld-s? Flat, hey? And, after you get it all to your own satisfaction, you'll be expecting me to live In It, hey? Well, I've got a fourteen Dy seventeen cnurcuai sneicn or myueii living in the cutest and coziest flat that ever had Its picture taken, and you might a* well get that fact sifted Into what you please to call your mind now as later! I take my medicine stra'ght enough. You know that. My whole life lias been one big sacrifice for you. But if you t'hink that you're going to drag* me out of my comfortable home at my time of life, and yank me Into one of those dinky, bang-banjfing flats, Just to satisfy one of your whims, you've got the biggest bunch of fresh guesses a-coming, Mrs. Jobson. that ever broke into the office of a Riddle Editor, and don't you forget it, that's all!" GETTING HUMAN OLD BILL Ml Bow the Former Wrestling Champion J Remakes Men. BISCIPLESE IS THE KEYNOTE Popularity of His Establishment Hakes Him Independent and He Rules by Rod of Iron. Sperltl Cormpnnilcnrr of The SUr. NEW YORK. August 30, 1007. "Solid Muldoon" wasn't named for or alter William Muldoon. the man who runs the Institution for the Rehabilitation of Rundowns, up In Westchester county, near White Plains, at which Secretary Root ha* been strenuously rusticating?If working imruei auu ii'iigfi uu?<i n l>uuv^?iu<n a hodcarrler be rusticating?these last few , weeks. But "Solid Muldoon" expresses Billy Muldoon all right, and It, or he. or whatever "Solid Muldoon" may have been or is, might well have been named for that statuesque and yet non-posing individual with the face and the will of iron. lifter you know Muldoon. have watched him In action and studied him in the article of ruling with his rod of steel, you aver afterward associate him with ice, because of his undevlating frozen imperturbability; with discipline and despotism, because he Is concrete, compact and congealed of lx>th of those things. Muldoon presides over the House Sans Argument. His nod Is the law. Your minutest violation of the terms expressed by one of his nods means your perpetual banishment from the establishment. Multi-millionaire, Judge, celebrated actor. Jurisconsult:, governor, poet. Industrial captain?they all yield to Muldoon when they go to him. Yield, that is. if they want to remain with Muldoon until they are rebuilded. Falling that sort of Implicit obedience?why, then, there is the door and the gate, and a man handy to tote the fractious one's dunnage to the station. And, one? shown forth from Muldoon's in that way, there Is never any getting back. Washinglonians getting to the grizzled stage, by the way. ought to remember this Muldoon man. Before he "arrived." llfteen or sixteen years ago. he was around Washington quite a lot. He was assoclHted at that time with Bob I>ownlng. tlie Washington tragedian. Downing was doing "The Gladiator"?what boy of that dim- ' mlng time doesn't remember Spartacus' sonorous address to the giadlators?"Yeh ' call meh che-eef," etc.? Muldoon was Downlng's mate in the combat of the arena, getting himself neatly slaughtered every night, of course, by the puissant Downing-Spartacus. Matthew Arnold, vis- 1 Itlng the United States about that time, naw Muldoon do his little stunt with ] Downing one night, and a little later he saw Muldoon In a wrestling match?he was the champion wrestler in his day. "There." declared Arnold, a keen critic of art and men. as he watched Muldoon making ready for the fray, "stands tiie handsomest man In the worid." Hardly Flattery. It was an uncompromising pronouncement, and yet most men who remember the Muldoon of that day. and a bit later, when he figured In unpadded Greek and Roman poslngs. were very willing to agree with that enthusiastic verdict from the lips of a man who. normally, was most uncommonly unenthuslastlc. For. at that time,. It would have be?n hard t.o Imagine a more splendid-looking human being than Muldoon. And. in spite of his grlzzledness and that cast as of chilled steel which Time has set upon nis iace, nc i= on , combination o? remarkable physical power and of perfect grace up to the present time. Of his immense strength. exhibited in quite an impromptu but humorous way. I recall a little Instance which Baltimoreans , and some Washlngtonlana of the old crowd are sure to remember. Maurice Barrymore and a company of clever people gave an open-air performance of "As You Like It" near Baltimore for the benefit of a Baltimore charity. Barrymore. of course, was the Orlando, and Muldoon was his wrestling mate In the piece. The two men had often done this wrestling stunt together, the requirement of "Which, of course, is that Orlando shall ingloriously throw the other man. Now. one of the kinks of Muldoon, as it Is of all athletes and of powerful men who don't go In for athleticism, was that he couldn't stand being tickled. It made him. first, hysterical, and then angry, and then clean savage all through. Knowing this, Barrymore on several occasions when the wn-.it ling match in "As You Like It" was in progress took a | malicious delight in tickling Muldoon's j ribs wliile they were in ui? mrues ?i . | contest. On all of these occasions Muldoon | stood the tickling only by the exercise of j tremendous self-control, in order not to break up the scene, but it always made j him dead sore, and he invariably protested angrily to Barrymore after the scene. But Barrymore. who was r.Iways, up to the time of his mental affliction, a good deal of an overgrown boy, never paid any attention to Muldoon's turning over the tickling business. Before this open-air performance of "As You Like It" near Baltimore Muldoon spoke a little piece to Barrymore. "Look here. Barry." he said to the actor, "there'll be none of that tickling foolishness this time. You'll promise me that," Barrymore told the athlete not ti be a cry-baby before he got hurt. The Ultimatum. "But I mean it; I'm In dead sober earnest." said Muldoon. "This ought to be a fine performance. The best folkj around here will be on hand. And as the performance is going to be out of doors there'll be no curtain to drop in case the scene geis mangled. r*vn, i ini 1 >. oiauu that tickling stuff. You know that I'm not fooling. I can't stand it. Ami if you tickle me during the wrestling stunt at this performance I'm going to mangle the scene up beyond recognition. Vou hear me. I sure am. You'll be sorry if you tickle me this time, Barry. I'm telling you honest." Barrymore laughed over the serious way the athlete was taking what he considered a trifling matter and forgot all about it. And so, during the wrestling scene at the open-air performance Barrymors. never believing that Muldoon could have been in earnest about mangling the scene, couldn't resist the temptation to drag his fingers up and down the Inviting ribs which shone through Muldoon's gauzy shirt. It happened. And nobody who was on hard to see how it happened will ever forgot the screaming funnlness of It. "All right?I warned you, remember," Muldoon could be heard grunting to Barrymore by those in the forward seats, and there was the light of a profound determination in Muldoon's gray eyes. Then the athlete grabbed the powerful Rarrymore?who. it may not generally bo known, was. in his youth, the champion middleweight pugilist of England?around the middle as if he had been a sack of salt, calmly placed him over a forward-planted knee, and proceeded to give one of the finest and most realistic Imitations of an angry mother using the back of a hairbrush on the anatomy of her disobedient offspring ever seen on any stage under cover or out of doors?only Muldoon used his hard and powerful palm for it. Then, stretching the struggling Barrymore out at full length on the glass, as j , if he had been a kippered herring. Mul- j doon proceeded to tickle Barrymore, him- ! self particularly sensitive to that kind j of thing, till the actor howled and roared j and all but foamed at the mouth. The scene was hopelessly broken up. , nn.i Rarrvmorft didn't like it. of course. It made the performance a joke. Hut j Barryraore was Rame enough to take his | medicine for his foolishness, and the two I did the scene over again. after retiring. | But the audience was convulsed, and re- j mained in that state till the finish, despite the efforts of the performers to firing the crowd back to a state of seriousness. Up at His Place. Back in the summer of 'OS I spent three days up at the iluldoon piaie, just AGAIN AT ULDOON'S PLACE to see how the thing worked. There had been some extraordinary st.?rles of the way Muldoon disciplined h.ti patients," iiuu seemea worm wuiie to ascertain If these stories were based on fact. I found that the stories were true, right enough, only few uf them haul come up to stating the real facts as to the Indomitable disciplining methods of th?? head of the Muldoon Institution. Hut Muldoon had results to show for his system. Many scores of columns have been printed lately since Secretary Hoot was discovered at Muldoon's place?about the singularly heroic method* Muldoon employs in his making over of men In bad physical shape, but It would be difficult to exaggerate the ''Before and After" stori. s of these cases. Nobody who writes about Muldoon can be accused of attempting to boom his curious institution. for he always ha* three times as many "cases" as he tan receive on his waiting ma Bun*me nau maae mm an independently rich man Ion# before his plant received any news^per exploitation at all. The difference between the average man as he looks when he goes In for the Muliloon system and as he appears when he i comes away from the plaoe could not p??ssibly be greater than those seemingly wildly pxaggerated "Before and After" cuts that ^ used to be run with the old-time patent medicine advert isements. You'll see. for example, some almost down-and-out elderly stork broker lining up with the Muldoon bunch at th* plice up in Westchester. The broker is a rounder and an all-night man He Is f it. wheezy, putty, pouchy about the eyes, grossly heavy, color of saffron. ho scant of breath that he chokes In the night, soft as a woman, and muscles absurdly flabby, liver in incredibly bad shai>e. anil n general, a perfect examnle of * mi??i..rn v..? who overeats and overdrinks, and overdoes everything. When, after about si* weeks. ha comes away from the Muldoon plant, and reaches New York, his friends don't know him. can hardly believe their senses. The middle-aged rounder is trig, alert, springy of step, down to his ideal weight, color ruddy, eyes clear as old-fashioned taw agate "glassies." muscles working up and down, and in play with every movement. and the whole mechanism working with the precision of a thousand-dollar watch. I've seen scores of cases like this, and some of them were little short of amazing. But going through the Muldoon thins isn't any "snap," as every man who ever braced himself to stand the ordeal, and stood It. will willingly testify. It means. J raiMrciauy ai ine outset. that Kind or ratigue which sceras unbearable?aching muscles, throbbing legs. acute thumplngs throughout the system that feel like the , A "'growing pains" of childhood, and a submission to dictation such as few men, and especially the type of rather arrogant successful men of afTairs. who visit the Multioon place, are used to. And, as a simple matter of course, this discipline thing Is at the bottom of the ? whole success of the treatment. How the System Works. i Any man, sufficiently well-to-do to afford the time and the apparatus, can?or he may imagine he can?go In for a period of abstinence from harmful indulgences, tossing the medicine, ball about, riding hors >back. boxing, calisthenics, pulling weights, and all that sort of thing. But not one man in a hundred thousand can force himself to do that stuff systematteally and with undeviatlng method, without somebody by to bulldoze him and keep him n'urlrpil nn tr? the nlfi^h where iTl tlie midst of the misery of pain, he will keep on feeling that he's In need of such strenuosity. That's where the discipline part of it comes In. A very celebrated actor was at the Muliloon institution while I was there. Ths actor had only reached the place a few hours before my arrival. He was. in fact, Just returning from the long horseback ride with Muldoon, and the rest of thu cavalcade, as 1 got In. Dismounting, the bunch were required by Muldoon to strip for a shower bath. The actor was taking hits time about that, though, for he bad something else In mind He dropped around to tha side of the house for a cigarette Now, Muldoon, while he allows the smokers ;i cigar after each meal, hates cigarettes with a virulent hatred, and every man he takes in mile! nrrimise hefnre heini? accented. that he will not smoke n cigarette while he is at the place. The actor, however, regarded the promise he gave as a mere little amiable white one. and he was taking his cigarette when Muldoon. who miss <1 him from the bathing party, strolled aioun l to where the actor was puffing away and inhaling the smoke into his lungs. "You've Just time to make the 3:47," lluldoon said to the actor man. the Iron but rather agreeable smile on his face. "How?" said the actor. | "The 3:47 train for New York." said Muldoon. "Your stuff is bein^ packed now. The buckboard will .be around presently. Here is the month's payment in advance that you made me," and ho pulled a roll from his pocket and shie lded off the money the actor had given him * upon being received That was ail. The actor at iirst protested. then became angry, then implored. All to no purpose. Muldoon turned his back upon him and walked into the house. The actor followed him. still imploring. and promised to cut out the cigarettes. No use. Muldoon went to his office, and when the actor demanded to see him sent out word that he was too busy to be seen and that he couldn't see him any more anyhow. The actor took the 3:47 for New York all right. Fixing Senator Depew. " in body, and with a mind that was perilously close to being clouded, when ha went to Muldoon's as a last resort a couple of years ago. Helng Senator Depew, he naturally figured that the thing would be some\vhat eased up In his case; that he wouldn't have to go through the stunts required of the other elderly men of less distinction. And so when he was ordered into the class of calisthenics with the other oldtimers of the class the senator smilingly advanced toward the platform on which Muldoon was standing in order to tell him. in his humorous way, Just why ttin calisthenics business wouldn't answer in Ills case. "Sit down, sir," said Muldoon. <alm:y noticing the senator approaching Mm "But." Depew started to say, that wellknown oleaginous smile on his features, "I want to " "Sit down, sir!" said Muldoon, .-harply tiiis time "Just a moment," said the senator, a bit chagrined in appearance, but aiiil advancing upon Muldoon. "I've had one amusing experience with this calisthenics experience, aiul I want to tell you " "As you were." said Muldoon to the r*lnsst in ralisthenlcs. hrl utri ntr them to a standstill. ""Now. air," turning to Senator Depew, "I want you to sit down till I get through with this crowd. This is not h Jokefest Neither is it a pocket edl- - i tion of Half Hours With Celebrated j American Humorists. It's a work half hour and 1 am busy. Sit down, sir." J Senator Depew sal down. And ha stayed sit till tile class was through. From thai hour h* was the most tractable n-.an on the grounds, and the sign was on it when h? came away, two months later, lit-raly yanked back from what seemed a hopeh ss ? decrepitude of Irh1> and mind. 1 never enjoyed a little period more ihan I did the three days 1 siwnt at tiie Maldoon place?for it was line Juct to Icu. gJ back and watch em work -fine! The Muidoon farm Is nearly thirty acres in extent. Tiie house In which the "patlfiits" live, lha gymnasium and all outbuildings arc s turned on the very top of one of the highe <t hills In Winchester county, and ther a a tine view of I-onu Island Sound from the roar. The beaut if u estate of Ambassador Held fares the front of Muldoon's pi.ice. The Mnldoon house itself is an old-f.isiiioned yuaker gray building, two Storks ill height and built in the old Dutch sty!" of architecture, w.th overhanging eaves. T <? wails are covered with ivy and wistaria, and In the vines thousands of birds chatter, fur nobody is allowed to shoot a gun on the Muidoon grounds. Oil, it's the beautiful place to lounge iind loaf?that's wlmt the hap'ess chi?;>s who fnce the Muidoon ordeal invariably say unto each other when they look around ?!o p!;tee and leng to enjoy the peace of It. ' ! - n... tl of u .1..,,.. at f .? Miildoon institution for rtie il.'iklnK Ov of Men ild be fUced In one comer of Muldoon's eye, and h.> huan'r Rut any too ? much room in the coiners of lil.s e\ , J either. ( LAilEXCt: I.. CL* LI-EN.