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THE LETTERS OF A JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY
I IWWSBfSKWi \V THE YOUNG TURKIES AND THE OLD BIRD ? Copyright. 10ft!'. hy I'. F. Collier A Son.) To Editor Sunday Star, who print al! the names of them hard Turkish Generals & spells many of them right: Hon. Mr. Sir: gethor to saloon of Hon. Strunsky, Irish patriot, who are at bar selling' alcohol, as usual, to Hon. C. W. MeCann, promi nent drunk. "F wish to at quaint you with Arthur Kickahajama. who come here study Sa loon Evil." I say-so to this Strunsky. "Arthur, pi^t your 45c on bar." Arthur do so sadly. "What will you have to take-it?" re quire this salooner. BY HASHIMURA TOGO (Wallace Irwin). RTHl'R K I C K A HAJAMA, mlssio'i ary boy. come-me yesterday and say he wish study Sa loon Evil. He got 45c wealth to spend it. so I protnus siiow him this edu cation. We elope t^ "Sassferllla ale," say Arthur with Chris tian expression. * "How can you study Saloon Evil on such weak drunks?" I ask-lt. "I shall have a beer-goblet, thank you." Hon. Strunsky do likesome & sneekret ly remove Arthur's 45c to cash-jingle. Hon. C. W. McCann look to us with pastry-eyed expression of one who has done so too often. "What do your Japanese friend call him self?" require Kon. McCann. "Arthur Kickahajama, please." I re port. "He got a name like a train of cars," corrode this toxicated gentleman. "With such a name he could be a Young Turk." "I am peeved about Turkey," say Strunsky. "Turkey are like Utah under a Prohibition Governor. What did Turkey ever do for the saloon business? How can Turkey ever brace up & elect a Re publican mayor so long as they refuses to speak the English language so they can understand each other? All Bey Rum. Tewthpik Pasha, Albany Pasha tlie Boy Boss, Tammany Pasha the Tiger of Tabe ret Mazourka Gazook, Fuzzi Salad Bey how can they expect to do anything 5n politics unless they changes their names? I am disgusted with Momannedans. How7 can I trust a nation what calls a priest a Mad Mollusc and a policeman a sofa?" "Them Young Turkles is intelligent lads, is they not?" require Arthur. "They are old enough to be," say Strun sky. "By newspaper portraits of them Young Turkles they are retired grand fathers of respectable appearance. Are It not disgusting to see them nice old men waltzing aroun^ Constantinople pretend ing to be young?" "A Harem is as old as she looks, a Turk is as young as he feels," I say for smart quotation. Arthur chew this information with hts minds. "And yet I slightly reverence them Young Turkies, however old, for doing a spank to their dreary Fatherland which have needed such exercise for a long time." say 8trunsky. "That are the dif ference between the Young Turkies and the Young Russians. When a Turk light a bomb it go off under a Throne; when a Russian light a bomb he are too busy reading Gorky to think of the explosion till it go off in his hands." "Young Turks must be somewhat sen sible, because they are heathens," I otter. "Americans also makes slightly lame rev olutionists. What happen to them Young Turks of Congress when they start mak ing Mohammedan language against Hon. "SO THERE HAVE BEEN A MOVING DAY IN CONSTANTINOPLE.*' Jo-Uncle Cannon. Commander of the Faithful? Was Murdoek Pasha able to pry open the Yiddish Kiosk right under the nose of Dalzell Pasha? All Japanese 8choolboys are aware what happen when he try It. The feet of the Sultan are still on the necks of the Mad Minority, the Sultan are still smoking: High Tariff Cigars behind the Grand Porte & Arme nian insurgents is being massacred every day In Wisconsin." . ?'Jo-Uncle Cannon have never been called the Sick Man of the House, not even by his dearest friends," report Strunsky. "So there have been a moving day in Constantinople," gollup Hon. C. W. Mc Cann with shipwreck^ clutch to Bar. "Like all court scandals," say Strun sky, "it were a scene of royal pump. It are an impressive, yet a sadding sight, this passing of a dead monarchy with all its regal show & pay-gentry?like 4 Paws Circus going Into winter quarters, or like Coney Island changing hands. Imagine it with brain! Firstly come Alba nian horsemen on flry Arabian steeds, bearing rugs, sofa-cushions & all other objecks of art that make home horrible. Nextly come 7 vanloads of Turkish uphol stery. inlaid taburets A embroidered Bag dad portlers. Irish dragomans armed with hookhah A oil stoves ensue after this. Nextly come Poisoners A Choppers Union, International Private Executioners Guild No. 3 with their motto, "If Thy Right-Hand Man Oppose Thee, Cut Him Off." Nextly come 40 Uniques disguised as men. Following this come a lonesome gentleman on foot looking like Senator Piatt disguised as a Mystic Shriner. This are Uncle Abe Hamid, known to his friends and relatives as '*the Damned." Nextly come a Seeing-Constantinople bus completely filled with First Liadies in the Land smoking cigarettes and covered with Turkish toweling to hide their beauty, or whatever they got." "Are this the royal harem?" require Arthur, eagerly. "These are a few selected wives," say Strunsky. "The rest of the harem will be sold at auction, together with the other palace fixtures." "How did this new Sultan get inside?" require Arthur. "The new Sultan," renlg Strunsky, "were the unanimous choice of Gen. Tewthplk Pasha, armed with a shotgun. As soonly as Uncle Abe Hamld had en joyed kick-out from Klddlsh Kiosk peo ple of Turkey begin making loud clam mer for some unpopular Moslem to come A be the choice of Heaven. This are court etacat. So Gen. Tewthplk Pasha, who are a Turk of Roosevelt temperature, he go Immediately to the detention-shed out back of the Palace, where cast-off Brother* of Hon. Abe Hamld has been aggregated for past 35 years awaiting to be useful. These royal Turkies make great gobble & flooter when Hon. Tewth pik enter their roost, because they are ac customed to being picked out for chop block when strange gentlemen enter thus ly. Hon. Tewthpik Pasha he look over these Brothers, thinking which would do. He see short & tall & blond & somewhat nlggerly brothers. All of them looks like the son of a ?ing?some of 'them even worse. Many of them is named after fa mous brands of Turkish cigarettes, which is a sure slmptom of royal blood. >t last he see one short, fatty Prince with a mild face like a Tammany police judge. Gen. Tewthpik l'asha are struck at once by this \*acant gentleman, whose expres sion resembles a Turkish paste. " 'Name, if any?' require Gen. Tewth pik. " 'Mohammed Shad Offensif,' reply this future Sultan. " 'By the Rug of the Prophet.' rejoy Hon. Tewthpik, 'you are nearly choosen. Are you in any way related to Abdul the Darned, late Old Bird of Turkey?' " 'By one of my mothers he was my brother,' say Hon. Shad. " 'What qualifications you got to be a King of a Constitutional Monarchy?' " 'Plenty,' report Hon. Shad, 'I am Ig norant, lazy, religious & of sedentary habits. I have been married 9 times and and am addicted to appepetlc fits.' " 'By the Mosque of Backsheesh, thou art the man!' say Gen. Tewthpik, rev erently. So he take Mahommed Shad Offensif round the corner, buy him a new suit of clothes & proceed, midst the plod dits of the multitude, to the Tiddish Kiosk, where Hon. Shad are declared Commander of the Faithful, Collector of the Porte, Right Hand of Allah, Proprie tor of Earth, Majority Stockholder of the Universe and anything else he cares 4.o call himself, so long a? he behave & do not run up too many bills." - "Are not this Mohammed Shad a pretty dull person?" 1 ask-it. "A dull Sultan are just what Turkey require," snuggest Strunsky. "Trouble with Uncle Abe was; he were too bright to be king of a Constitutional Mon archy. A Sultan are supposed to be a Tyrant, and Uncle Abe only done his duty well. He have carved the Turkies, boiled the Armenians, toasted missionaries & lied In 13 European languages. Could Cas tro do more? No, Uncle have not been any % way Tyrant. And yet what he get for this effort & hard work In his old age? He get thanklus remarks from all news papers. He get foot-boost from throne midst of heart-felt curses of every Muscle man & Mad Mollusc what once adored him for hi3 graft. After a life of honest toil borrowing: everything; he saw and for getting to return it, lie are ripped away from his deary Fatherland with only a railroad ticket and a letter of introduc tion to Chippiano Castro. President of the Man Without a Country Club " Me & Arthur agree by looking so. "Will not them Turkies have more free dom because they got a Constitutional Monarchy?" require Arthur. "They will have more freedom, but less liesure." revoke Strunsky. "Why people wish to over-kick an Absolute Monarchy for. I am ignorant to see. An Absolute Monarchy is a place where the King does all the work and the People has nothing to do but pay taxes & enjoy life. Turkey is fast changing from the cozy corner of despotism to a land of bleak & boundless liberty. Them good old days when Uncle gin to think up following evils which must arrive: 1?Turkish people, thinking for themselves, decides to have an election. 2?Turkish politicians, thinking for them selves, tries to build a neat party plat form, which will look patriotiok & yet protect the Trusts with deceptive ?* pression. 3?Turkish ladies, thinking for them selves, casts away Turkish towels from their faces & shows how less beau'l ful they are. This leads to suffragetting & other crimes. 4?Turkish husbands, thinking for them selves, decides to get drunk; because future seem very hopelus when he have married so many lady-votes that he must be forever defeated in ratio of 16 to 1. "When you think of them curseg," say |Ji I "ARTHUR PUT YOUR 45 CENTS ON A BAB." Abe Hamid done all the ruling for his loyal subjecks! ! Then was the simple peasantry devoted to the innocent delights of cofTee-drinking and assassination. Any man with a butcher-knife could be a pa triot. He was not worried aboyt airships & reciprocity & tarifT & suffragettes & di rect primaries. Then could the Young Turkey set neath his own flg-bush sur rounded by all the comforts of home. He could divide his time equally between prayer & polygamy. When he wanted to save his country he went out and mur dered an Armenian. Happy days for him! "But now Harem al Utah, the Young Turkey have got no more comfort to live for. He got a Constitution. When persons has got a Constitution they are supposed to think for themselves?which is a. pretty mean job for a gentleman what was raised a Mohammedan & could hire a priest to do what little thinking was necessary. Thinking make this young Turkey nervus, then he get peeved & be Hffn. Strunsky with eye-wink peculiar t? the Irish, "you wish some one would buy Uncle Abe a return ticket & tease him to go back." When Hon. C. W. McCann hear this wisdom he awake up from his alcohol & say with beerful sadness: "Let them Turkish boys enjoy life while they are young. After all, are there any difference between a complete Repub lic & a absolute Monarchy?" "Difference between & Republic & a Monarchy are this," say Strunsky. "A Monarchy are a place where people are flammed up & stamped down by a King: a Republic are a place where you can rely on your Congressman to do this for you." So me and Arthur retire off wondering how Hon. Strunsky can learn so much about Kings in the saloon business. Hoping you are the same, Yours truly, HASHIMURA TOGO. The Hotel Clerk Expatiates on the Chin Whisker By Irvin S. Cobb. ARRY," said the Hotel Clerk of the St. Reckless to his regular audience, the House Detec tive, "have you ever thought of growing whiskers?" The House De tective caressed a square and blu e shaven Jowl. "I have not," he said with emphasis. "Well, don't do it," said the Hotel Clerk, "especially the kind known as the chin whisker. It's not being worn by our swellest dressers this season. And besides, I think It's bad luck." "Wot put that idea into your head?" / inquired the House Detective. "The sad cases of two old friends of mine," said the Hotel Clerk. "I never exactly met them face to face, but I've heaui so much about them tliat I feel just the same as If we'd all three been' raised on the same block. Both of them had those chin whiskers, one set being of the trailing love-vine variety and the other the closely woven winter lichens, and both of them have been getting the hooks, it only go*-s to show that if a man wears the chenille fringes of a ma<3 Angora on the southern division of his face long enough the populace will taka the hint and make a goat out of him. I refer to Abdul Hamid, better known lately as Ab the Ham, and Cipriano P. J. Castro, late of Venzwalla. "Even In their most pammy days I couldn't figure out where either one of them had much the best of It. Cip, the last time lie took the census, had twenty five grown children and a flock of little Cips coming on and Ab was incumbered wit\ a harum full of lady harum-scar ums, who wore nose bags over their faces and dressed like the hind logs of a prop erty elephant in a Christmas pantomim?. And on top of ail that along came old Miss Trouble and put both of them on a through freight. At last accounts Cip was being kept so on the move by the police that he rarely spent two nights on the same park bench. He was about as popular as a haunted house. And loneiy ?well, they'd taken to calling him poor old Robinson Castro, and that ought to give you an idea. "But what Cip got wasn't a whiff to what they handed poor Ab over in Tur key. He certainly had the allah pazazz passed to him. You see. they're almost as many different sorts of true believers in Turkey as there are in the democratic party, and they don't get along any bet ter, either. There's the Armenians from whom we get our rugs, or would do so if most of them were not made in New Jersey; the Circassian, from whom we get those pink-eyed ladies with the lamp AT LAST ACCOUNTS CIP WAS BEING KEPT ON THE MOVE BY THE POLICE. cleaner heads of hair that used to be in all the side shows, but are now re maining at home and furnishing raw material for the massacre stuff; the Curd, who is the *eal cheese, as indicated by the name; the Mohammedan, sometimes called the Musselman, hence the muscle dance, and others too numerous and too hard to mention. "It seems they got a constitution in Turkey last fall and weren't acclimated to it and didn't know how to take liber ties with it, as our Congress does, and it went to their heads and brought on trouble. The Young Turks and the Young Corbetts of the country got together and, as a preliminary, killed off some Chris tians and passed a set of resolutions say irtg that whereas the sacred name of liberty had been outraged and whereas the Christians were reported as plenti ful and comparatively tame in several provinces, and whereas the interests of advanced civilization could best be con served by killing some Christians, there fore, be it resolved, that we do now pro ceed to stand the present sultan on his esteemed pecan and kill some Christians. No sooner said than done. The Young Turks marched on the imperial establish ment. pausing only.to kill some Chris tians from time to time, and deposed the sultan, after killing some Christians, and sent him into retirement at Salonlca, accompanied only by enough wives to make four tables at bridge; first, how ever. taking care to kill some Chris tians; after which all hands engaged in a favorite national pastime called killing some Christians, a pleasant time being had by all, and the best of order was maintained. "The Turk may be a great fighter all right, Larry, but at this distance he looks to me like a percentage player. He'd give the other fellow all the advan tage that Is accorded a circus grafter who's been caught working the shells on the town marshal's favorite nephew in a small rural community in. the pan handle of Texas; but not any more than that. He doesn't seem to think so very much of Christians since he licked the Greeks that time. Well, I haven't heard of any heavyweight champion that came from Greece myself. It seems the Greek was in the habit of spending the night before the battle going around singing the national hymn and copiously Unlng his comrades, his military uniform con sisting largely of an accordian-plaited walking skirt, an eton Jacket and a clarinet player's lid. For dress occasions he added a lingerie shirt waist and prob ably carried violets. When he fared forth to conflict he must have looked like a cross between a Mystic Shrlner and a serpentine dancer. Why, his regalia had him handicapped before he started. "But the Turk didn't sing any that 1 ever heard of on the night before the battle. He hasn't any singing voice to speak of, anyhow. But he put in a con genial evening spitting on his hands and whetting up his portable cutlery and the next day many sudden vacancies occurred in the push csrt and terra cotta bust industries, and the passes of the moun tains were full of Orcek volunteers hunt ing for home or a hollow tree. I trace the present revival of interest in Greek Marathon racing right back to that war. But sometimes I wish the Turk might run up against some other Christian bodies that I could name; I'm thinking particularly of our police force. * * * "But I was getting away from our real subject, which is the whisker. You'll take notice from their pictures, Larry, that both Cip and Ab wore whiskers. And now, just look at them. When the populace begin to go after whiskers in high places It's time for royalty to have a care. If I was King Leopold of Bel glum I bet I'd have a care. I'd have a care if I was him, and then I'd have a shave. In some places I know the whis kers he wears would bring on a riot If a circuit rider had 'em, let alone a king and a close business friend of Thomas F. Ryan. * "Some of these days, Larry, some his torian that has more time to spare than I have will trace the influence of the chin whisker upon our own public life, starting from Capt. John Smith, who was considerable of a living life net himself, if you can believe the pictures of him, and running right on down to Gov. Hughes. Who was it that snatched the country out of the greedy grip of the perfidious Albinos of perfidious Albion, as the poet says, and built it up into a collection of states, most of which would eventually go republican; by large ma jorities, and have conflicting rate laws? Who, I ask, but a lot of persons like Patrick Henry and John Qulncy and B. Franklin, and all of them as bare on the face as a newel post. If the postage - stamp* tell the truth there wasn't one of them had a whisker to his name, result? Why, the country split up so centers of civilization we've grot It on the When Washington crossed on the Ice, fine that It took four years of fightins run, for, no matter what others may say, thereby beating Eliza to It by seventy to get the scraps reassembled. I would attribute the downfall of Clp and years, there were fourteen soldiers In the "Yes, Larry, north and south, the Ab to popular displeasure with the way same nine-foot rowboat with him, all youth and chivalry of the land succumbed they garnished their respective entrees, with bloody bandages around their to the infuriating chin whisker and ere "But what looks to me like the surest AND THEN THEY WOULD KILL SOME MOBE CHRISTIANS. heads, but, according to the chromo that used to hang over our parlor mantel, and everybody else's parlor mantel for that matter, every blessed one of them had Just come from the barber's with his bay rum, his German cologne and his talcum powder fresh upon him. " 'Put none but smooth-faced Ameri cana on guard tonight,' said somebody Just before the battle of something, and they had to do it. They didn't have any other kind in stock. And through that awful winter at Valley Forge the pa triots may have had no shoes for their feet, but they all had the price of a clean shave, twice over, wtth the tonic rubbed well into the scalp to prevent telling out and baldness. See any Amer ican art collection. "We got along very well through the days of Webster and Clay and Calhoun and other smooth-faced statesmen, but along about the middle of the last cen tury a wave of whiskers swept through the unhappy. country and what was the lung the southern sinilaxes and the Span ish mosses of Dixie land were at the throats of the trailing arbutuses and the human honeysuckle arbors of the north, and vice versa. Look at any daguerreo type dating back to those dear old haired over days of 1850 and see if I'm not right. The classiest dresser of that pe riod was the party who could sprout him self Into the closest imitation of an im penetrable forest, seen through a heavy driszle of brilllantine. Peace was never restored to our distracted land until th9 bayonet wore out and the razor again came into its own. ? * * "Since then. Inch by inch, we've been driving the chin whisker back to its lair. It's still flaunting itself In communities where people eat their scrambled eggs for breakfast with a hurried overhand stroke, and want to save the shirt front, and where the necktie is yet regarded as an expensive luxury. But in the great sign of Its doom is the fact that the chl* whisker has got to be comedy stuff. Som? people think a pair of white spats worn by the fapiily lawyer are the most com ical thing known, and some insist that there's no comedy value like a red ban danna handkerchief pinned to the coat tails of an eccentric rube character; but the best authorities on the drama are beginning to agree that for sure fire com edy the chin whisker, particularly the magenta or cerese whisker, is even more humorous than a line about Oshkosh or Kalamazoo, and has always been re garded as the funniest there is. "So now, when no up-to-date comedy production is complete without its sot of pink chin whiskers, I look to see the whisker disappear from everyday life al together." "Why so?" asked the House Detective. "Because." said the Hotel Clerk, "I no tice when a thing gets very common on the stage it ceases to be common any where else."