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Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, May 23, 1909, Image 50

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? Copyright. 10ft!'. hy I'. F. Collier A Son.)
To Editor Sunday Star, who print al! the
names of them hard Turkish Generals
& spells many of them right:
Hon. Mr. Sir:
gethor to saloon of Hon. Strunsky, Irish
patriot, who are at bar selling' alcohol,
as usual, to Hon. C. W. MeCann, promi
nent drunk.
"F wish to at quaint you with Arthur
Kickahajama. who come here study Sa
loon Evil." I say-so to this Strunsky.
"Arthur, pi^t your 45c on bar."
Arthur do so sadly.
"What will you have to take-it?" re
quire this salooner.
(Wallace Irwin).
HAJAMA, mlssio'i
ary boy. come-me
yesterday and say
he wish study Sa
loon Evil. He got
45c wealth to spend
it. so I protnus
siiow him this edu
cation. We elope t^
"Sassferllla ale," say Arthur with Chris
tian expression. *
"How can you study Saloon Evil on
such weak drunks?" I ask-lt. "I shall
have a beer-goblet, thank you."
Hon. Strunsky do likesome & sneekret
ly remove Arthur's 45c to cash-jingle.
Hon. C. W. McCann look to us with
pastry-eyed expression of one who has
done so too often.
"What do your Japanese friend call him
self?" require Kon. McCann.
"Arthur Kickahajama, please." I re
"He got a name like a train of cars,"
corrode this toxicated gentleman. "With
such a name he could be a Young Turk."
"I am peeved about Turkey," say
Strunsky. "Turkey are like Utah under a
Prohibition Governor. What did Turkey
ever do for the saloon business? How
can Turkey ever brace up & elect a Re
publican mayor so long as they refuses to
speak the English language so they can
understand each other? All Bey Rum.
Tewthpik Pasha, Albany Pasha tlie Boy
Boss, Tammany Pasha the Tiger of Tabe
ret Mazourka Gazook, Fuzzi Salad Bey
how can they expect to do anything 5n
politics unless they changes their names?
I am disgusted with Momannedans. How7
can I trust a nation what calls a priest
a Mad Mollusc and a policeman a sofa?"
"Them Young Turkles is intelligent lads,
is they not?" require Arthur.
"They are old enough to be," say Strun
sky. "By newspaper portraits of them
Young Turkles they are retired grand
fathers of respectable appearance. Are It
not disgusting to see them nice old men
waltzing aroun^ Constantinople pretend
ing to be young?"
"A Harem is as old as she looks, a
Turk is as young as he feels," I say for
smart quotation.
Arthur chew this information with hts
"And yet I slightly reverence them
Young Turkies, however old, for doing a
spank to their dreary Fatherland which
have needed such exercise for a long
time." say 8trunsky. "That are the dif
ference between the Young Turkies and
the Young Russians. When a Turk light
a bomb it go off under a Throne; when
a Russian light a bomb he are too busy
reading Gorky to think of the explosion
till it go off in his hands."
"Young Turks must be somewhat sen
sible, because they are heathens," I otter.
"Americans also makes slightly lame rev
olutionists. What happen to them Young
Turks of Congress when they start mak
ing Mohammedan language against Hon.
Jo-Uncle Cannon. Commander of the
Faithful? Was Murdoek Pasha able to
pry open the Yiddish Kiosk right under
the nose of Dalzell Pasha? All Japanese
8choolboys are aware what happen when
he try It. The feet of the Sultan are
still on the necks of the Mad Minority, the
Sultan are still smoking: High Tariff
Cigars behind the Grand Porte & Arme
nian insurgents is being massacred every
day In Wisconsin." .
?'Jo-Uncle Cannon have never been
called the Sick Man of the House, not
even by his dearest friends," report
"So there have been a moving day in
Constantinople," gollup Hon. C. W. Mc
Cann with shipwreck^ clutch to Bar.
"Like all court scandals," say Strun
sky, "it were a scene of royal pump. It
are an impressive, yet a sadding sight,
this passing of a dead monarchy with
all its regal show & pay-gentry?like 4
Paws Circus going Into winter quarters, or
like Coney Island changing hands.
Imagine it with brain! Firstly come Alba
nian horsemen on flry Arabian steeds,
bearing rugs, sofa-cushions & all other
objecks of art that make home horrible.
Nextly come 7 vanloads of Turkish uphol
stery. inlaid taburets A embroidered Bag
dad portlers. Irish dragomans armed
with hookhah A oil stoves ensue after
this. Nextly come Poisoners A Choppers
Union, International Private Executioners
Guild No. 3 with their motto, "If Thy
Right-Hand Man Oppose Thee, Cut Him
Off." Nextly come 40 Uniques disguised
as men. Following this come a lonesome
gentleman on foot looking like Senator
Piatt disguised as a Mystic Shriner. This
are Uncle Abe Hamid, known to his
friends and relatives as '*the Damned."
Nextly come a Seeing-Constantinople bus
completely filled with First Liadies in the
Land smoking cigarettes and covered with
Turkish toweling to hide their beauty, or
whatever they got."
"Are this the royal harem?" require
Arthur, eagerly.
"These are a few selected wives," say
Strunsky. "The rest of the harem will
be sold at auction, together with the
other palace fixtures."
"How did this new Sultan get inside?"
require Arthur.
"The new Sultan," renlg Strunsky,
"were the unanimous choice of Gen.
Tewthplk Pasha, armed with a shotgun.
As soonly as Uncle Abe Hamld had en
joyed kick-out from Klddlsh Kiosk peo
ple of Turkey begin making loud clam
mer for some unpopular Moslem to come
A be the choice of Heaven. This are
court etacat. So Gen. Tewthplk Pasha,
who are a Turk of Roosevelt temperature,
he go Immediately to the detention-shed
out back of the Palace, where cast-off
Brother* of Hon. Abe Hamld has been
aggregated for past 35 years awaiting to
be useful. These royal Turkies make
great gobble & flooter when Hon. Tewth
pik enter their roost, because they are ac
customed to being picked out for chop
block when strange gentlemen enter thus
ly. Hon. Tewthpik Pasha he look over
these Brothers, thinking which would do.
He see short & tall & blond & somewhat
nlggerly brothers. All of them looks like
the son of a ?ing?some of 'them even
worse. Many of them is named after fa
mous brands of Turkish cigarettes, which
is a sure slmptom of royal blood. >t
last he see one short, fatty Prince with a
mild face like a Tammany police judge.
Gen. Tewthpik l'asha are struck at once
by this \*acant gentleman, whose expres
sion resembles a Turkish paste.
" 'Name, if any?' require Gen. Tewth
" 'Mohammed Shad Offensif,' reply this
future Sultan.
" 'By the Rug of the Prophet.' rejoy
Hon. Tewthpik, 'you are nearly choosen.
Are you in any way related to Abdul the
Darned, late Old Bird of Turkey?'
" 'By one of my mothers he was my
brother,' say Hon. Shad.
" 'What qualifications you got to be a
King of a Constitutional Monarchy?'
" 'Plenty,' report Hon. Shad, 'I am Ig
norant, lazy, religious & of sedentary
habits. I have been married 9 times and
and am addicted to appepetlc fits.'
" 'By the Mosque of Backsheesh, thou
art the man!' say Gen. Tewthpik, rev
erently. So he take Mahommed Shad
Offensif round the corner, buy him a new
suit of clothes & proceed, midst the plod
dits of the multitude, to the Tiddish
Kiosk, where Hon. Shad are declared
Commander of the Faithful, Collector of
the Porte, Right Hand of Allah, Proprie
tor of Earth, Majority Stockholder of the
Universe and anything else he cares 4.o
call himself, so long a? he behave & do
not run up too many bills." -
"Are not this Mohammed Shad a pretty
dull person?" 1 ask-it.
"A dull Sultan are just what Turkey
require," snuggest Strunsky. "Trouble
with Uncle Abe was; he were too bright
to be king of a Constitutional Mon
archy. A Sultan are supposed to be a
Tyrant, and Uncle Abe only done his duty
well. He have carved the Turkies, boiled
the Armenians, toasted missionaries &
lied In 13 European languages. Could Cas
tro do more? No, Uncle have not been
any % way Tyrant. And yet what he get
for this effort & hard work In his old age?
He get thanklus remarks from all news
papers. He get foot-boost from throne
midst of heart-felt curses of every Muscle
man & Mad Mollusc what once adored
him for hi3 graft. After a life of honest
toil borrowing: everything; he saw and for
getting to return it, lie are ripped away
from his deary Fatherland with only a
railroad ticket and a letter of introduc
tion to Chippiano Castro. President of the
Man Without a Country Club "
Me & Arthur agree by looking so.
"Will not them Turkies have more free
dom because they got a Constitutional
Monarchy?" require Arthur.
"They will have more freedom, but less
liesure." revoke Strunsky. "Why people
wish to over-kick an Absolute Monarchy
for. I am ignorant to see. An Absolute
Monarchy is a place where the King does
all the work and the People has nothing
to do but pay taxes & enjoy life. Turkey
is fast changing from the cozy corner of
despotism to a land of bleak & boundless
liberty. Them good old days when Uncle
gin to think up following evils which
must arrive:
1?Turkish people, thinking for themselves,
decides to have an election.
2?Turkish politicians, thinking for them
selves, tries to build a neat party plat
form, which will look patriotiok & yet
protect the Trusts with deceptive ?*
3?Turkish ladies, thinking for them
selves, casts away Turkish towels from
their faces & shows how less beau'l
ful they are. This leads to suffragetting
& other crimes.
4?Turkish husbands, thinking for them
selves, decides to get drunk; because
future seem very hopelus when he have
married so many lady-votes that he
must be forever defeated in ratio of
16 to 1.
"When you think of them curseg," say
|Ji I
Abe Hamid done all the ruling for his
loyal subjecks! ! Then was the simple
peasantry devoted to the innocent delights
of cofTee-drinking and assassination. Any
man with a butcher-knife could be a pa
triot. He was not worried aboyt airships
& reciprocity & tarifT & suffragettes & di
rect primaries. Then could the Young
Turkey set neath his own flg-bush sur
rounded by all the comforts of home. He
could divide his time equally between
prayer & polygamy. When he wanted to
save his country he went out and mur
dered an Armenian. Happy days for him!
"But now Harem al Utah, the Young
Turkey have got no more comfort to
live for. He got a Constitution. When
persons has got a Constitution they are
supposed to think for themselves?which
is a. pretty mean job for a gentleman
what was raised a Mohammedan & could
hire a priest to do what little thinking
was necessary. Thinking make this young
Turkey nervus, then he get peeved & be
Hffn. Strunsky with eye-wink peculiar t?
the Irish, "you wish some one would buy
Uncle Abe a return ticket & tease him to
go back."
When Hon. C. W. McCann hear this
wisdom he awake up from his alcohol &
say with beerful sadness:
"Let them Turkish boys enjoy life
while they are young. After all, are there
any difference between a complete Repub
lic & a absolute Monarchy?"
"Difference between & Republic & a
Monarchy are this," say Strunsky. "A
Monarchy are a place where people are
flammed up & stamped down by a King:
a Republic are a place where you can
rely on your Congressman to do this for
So me and Arthur retire off wondering
how Hon. Strunsky can learn so much
about Kings in the saloon business.
Hoping you are the same,
Yours truly,
The Hotel Clerk Expatiates on the Chin Whisker
By Irvin S. Cobb.
ARRY," said the
Hotel Clerk of the
St. Reckless to his
regular audience,
the House Detec
tive, "have you ever
thought of growing
The House De
tective caressed a
square and blu e
shaven Jowl. "I have not," he said with
emphasis. "Well, don't do it," said the
Hotel Clerk, "especially the kind known
as the chin whisker. It's not being worn
by our swellest dressers this season. And
besides, I think It's bad luck."
"Wot put that idea into your head?"
inquired the House Detective.
"The sad cases of two old friends of
mine," said the Hotel Clerk. "I never
exactly met them face to face, but I've
heaui so much about them tliat I feel
just the same as If we'd all three been'
raised on the same block. Both of them
had those chin whiskers, one set being
of the trailing love-vine variety and the
other the closely woven winter lichens,
and both of them have been getting the
hooks, it only go*-s to show that if a
man wears the chenille fringes of a ma<3
Angora on the southern division of his
face long enough the populace will taka
the hint and make a goat out of him. I
refer to Abdul Hamid, better known
lately as Ab the Ham, and Cipriano P. J.
Castro, late of Venzwalla.
"Even In their most pammy days I
couldn't figure out where either one of
them had much the best of It. Cip, the
last time lie took the census, had twenty
five grown children and a flock of little
Cips coming on and Ab was incumbered
wit\ a harum full of lady harum-scar
ums, who wore nose bags over their faces
and dressed like the hind logs of a prop
erty elephant in a Christmas pantomim?.
And on top of ail that along came old
Miss Trouble and put both of them on a
through freight. At last accounts Cip
was being kept so on the move by the
police that he rarely spent two nights on
the same park bench. He was about as
popular as a haunted house. And loneiy
?well, they'd taken to calling him poor
old Robinson Castro, and that ought to
give you an idea.
"But what Cip got wasn't a whiff to
what they handed poor Ab over in Tur
key. He certainly had the allah pazazz
passed to him. You see. they're almost
as many different sorts of true believers
in Turkey as there are in the democratic
party, and they don't get along any bet
ter, either. There's the Armenians from
whom we get our rugs, or would do so
if most of them were not made in New
Jersey; the Circassian, from whom we
get those pink-eyed ladies with the lamp
cleaner heads of hair that used to be
in all the side shows, but are now re
maining at home and furnishing raw
material for the massacre stuff; the Curd,
who is the *eal cheese, as indicated by
the name; the Mohammedan, sometimes
called the Musselman, hence the muscle
dance, and others too numerous and too
hard to mention.
"It seems they got a constitution in
Turkey last fall and weren't acclimated
to it and didn't know how to take liber
ties with it, as our Congress does, and
it went to their heads and brought on
trouble. The Young Turks and the Young
Corbetts of the country got together and,
as a preliminary, killed off some Chris
tians and passed a set of resolutions say
irtg that whereas the sacred name of
liberty had been outraged and whereas
the Christians were reported as plenti
ful and comparatively tame in several
provinces, and whereas the interests of
advanced civilization could best be con
served by killing some Christians, there
fore, be it resolved, that we do now pro
ceed to stand the present sultan on his
esteemed pecan and kill some Christians.
No sooner said than done. The Young
Turks marched on the imperial establish
ment. pausing only.to kill some Chris
tians from time to time, and deposed
the sultan, after killing some Christians,
and sent him into retirement at Salonlca,
accompanied only by enough wives to
make four tables at bridge; first, how
ever. taking care to kill some Chris
tians; after which all hands engaged in
a favorite national pastime called killing
some Christians, a pleasant time being
had by all, and the best of order was
"The Turk may be a great fighter all
right, Larry, but at this distance he
looks to me like a percentage player.
He'd give the other fellow all the advan
tage that Is accorded a circus grafter
who's been caught working the shells on
the town marshal's favorite nephew in
a small rural community in. the pan
handle of Texas; but not any more than
that. He doesn't seem to think so very
much of Christians since he licked the
Greeks that time. Well, I haven't heard
of any heavyweight champion that came
from Greece myself. It seems the Greek
was in the habit of spending the night
before the battle going around singing
the national hymn and copiously Unlng
his comrades, his military uniform con
sisting largely of an accordian-plaited
walking skirt, an eton Jacket and a
clarinet player's lid. For dress occasions
he added a lingerie shirt waist and prob
ably carried violets. When he fared
forth to conflict he must have looked like
a cross between a Mystic Shrlner and
a serpentine dancer. Why, his regalia
had him handicapped before he started.
"But the Turk didn't sing any that 1
ever heard of on the night before the
battle. He hasn't any singing voice to
speak of, anyhow. But he put in a con
genial evening spitting on his hands and
whetting up his portable cutlery and the
next day many sudden vacancies occurred
in the push csrt and terra cotta bust
industries, and the passes of the moun
tains were full of Orcek volunteers hunt
ing for home or a hollow tree. I trace
the present revival of interest in Greek
Marathon racing right back to that war.
But sometimes I wish the Turk might
run up against some other Christian
bodies that I could name; I'm thinking
particularly of our police force.
* *
"But I was getting away from our
real subject, which is the whisker. You'll
take notice from their pictures, Larry,
that both Cip and Ab wore whiskers.
And now, just look at them. When the
populace begin to go after whiskers in
high places It's time for royalty to have
a care. If I was King Leopold of Bel
glum I bet I'd have a care. I'd have
a care if I was him, and then I'd have a
shave. In some places I know the whis
kers he wears would bring on a riot If
a circuit rider had 'em, let alone a king
and a close business friend of Thomas
F. Ryan. *
"Some of these days, Larry, some his
torian that has more time to spare than
I have will trace the influence of the
chin whisker upon our own public life,
starting from Capt. John Smith, who was
considerable of a living life net himself,
if you can believe the pictures of him,
and running right on down to Gov.
Hughes. Who was it that snatched the
country out of the greedy grip of the
perfidious Albinos of perfidious Albion,
as the poet says, and built it up into a
collection of states, most of which would
eventually go republican; by large ma
jorities, and have conflicting rate laws?
Who, I ask, but a lot of persons like
Patrick Henry and John Qulncy and B.
Franklin, and all of them as bare on
the face as a newel post. If the postage -
stamp* tell the truth there wasn't one
of them had a whisker to his name, result? Why, the country split up so centers of civilization we've grot It on the
When Washington crossed on the Ice, fine that It took four years of fightins run, for, no matter what others may say,
thereby beating Eliza to It by seventy to get the scraps reassembled. I would attribute the downfall of Clp and
years, there were fourteen soldiers In the "Yes, Larry, north and south, the Ab to popular displeasure with the way
same nine-foot rowboat with him, all youth and chivalry of the land succumbed they garnished their respective entrees,
with bloody bandages around their to the infuriating chin whisker and ere "But what looks to me like the surest
heads, but, according to the chromo that
used to hang over our parlor mantel, and
everybody else's parlor mantel for that
matter, every blessed one of them had
Just come from the barber's with his bay
rum, his German cologne and his talcum
powder fresh upon him.
" 'Put none but smooth-faced Ameri
cana on guard tonight,' said somebody
Just before the battle of something, and
they had to do it. They didn't have any
other kind in stock. And through that
awful winter at Valley Forge the pa
triots may have had no shoes for their
feet, but they all had the price of a
clean shave, twice over, wtth the tonic
rubbed well into the scalp to prevent
telling out and baldness. See any Amer
ican art collection.
"We got along very well through the
days of Webster and Clay and Calhoun
and other smooth-faced statesmen, but
along about the middle of the last cen
tury a wave of whiskers swept through
the unhappy. country and what was the
lung the southern sinilaxes and the Span
ish mosses of Dixie land were at the
throats of the trailing arbutuses and the
human honeysuckle arbors of the north,
and vice versa. Look at any daguerreo
type dating back to those dear old haired
over days of 1850 and see if I'm not
right. The classiest dresser of that pe
riod was the party who could sprout him
self Into the closest imitation of an im
penetrable forest, seen through a heavy
driszle of brilllantine. Peace was never
restored to our distracted land until th9
bayonet wore out and the razor again
came into its own.
* *
"Since then. Inch by inch, we've been
driving the chin whisker back to its lair.
It's still flaunting itself In communities
where people eat their scrambled eggs
for breakfast with a hurried overhand
stroke, and want to save the shirt front,
and where the necktie is yet regarded as
an expensive luxury. But in the great
sign of Its doom is the fact that the chl*
whisker has got to be comedy stuff. Som?
people think a pair of white spats worn
by the fapiily lawyer are the most com
ical thing known, and some insist that
there's no comedy value like a red ban
danna handkerchief pinned to the coat
tails of an eccentric rube character; but
the best authorities on the drama are
beginning to agree that for sure fire com
edy the chin whisker, particularly the
magenta or cerese whisker, is even more
humorous than a line about Oshkosh or
Kalamazoo, and has always been re
garded as the funniest there is.
"So now, when no up-to-date comedy
production is complete without its sot
of pink chin whiskers, I look to see the
whisker disappear from everyday life al
"Why so?" asked the House Detective.
"Because." said the Hotel Clerk, "I no
tice when a thing gets very common on
the stage it ceases to be common any
where else."

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