Newspaper Page Text
alias Maj. Boyd Taylor, alias Pay master Boyd Tay lor. alias Maj. and Paymaster Boyd Taylor, of the Na tional Guard of the District of Colum bia of the U. 6. A.. Is all to the merry. After having: had made for him one . t tin- most splendiferous uniforms ever scon in these parts and after having1 car ried a sword and a telescope hack and forth between the Washington T>oan and 'Crust Company and Cleveland Park for upward of a week?the sword for decora tive purposes and the telescope for the purpose of sighting the flrst smoke of *he army transports?one of the ships actually came into port. Maj. Taylor-donned the aforesaid splen diferous uniform and started out to make a formal visit. He blew Into the presence of the captain of the transport, and the captain?only a mere merchant captain, anyhow?succumbed then and there. But Maj. Taylor was gentle with him. "Captain," said he, after the usual hows and salutes had been exchanged. "I am Maj. Boyd Taylor; I should say Mai. and Paymaster Boyd Taylor of the Na tional Guard of the District of Columbia. Have you a specie room on this boat?er? vessel?er?ship?" "Certainly, sir,' replied the captain of the transport, saluting three times in rapid succession. "If.you wiU do me the honor to accompany me I will show you." "I am happy to hear that you have a specie room." quoth Maj. Taylor, as the two descended the stairs, or whatever they're called in a boat, "as I wish to feel safe and at ease concerning the large sums intrusted to my care. It Is a great responsibility, captain, a great responsi bility." Whereupon Maj. Taylor banged his sword against the stair rail and breathed heavily through his nose. 'Way down somewhere in the bowels of the ship the transport captain stopped ?before a massive steel-barred door. After fiddling with six combinations, unlocking eight compartments and pestering with a time contraption the captain throw open the entrance to a massive vault capable of holding the national debt of Russia. 'Twas a bigger vault than that of the average national bank. "Will that do, sir?" the transport cap tain inquired. Maj. Taylor was entranced. He gazed into the gloomy depths of the vault and threw out his chest. "Admirably, captain," said he, "most admirably. It looks perfectly snfe and secure. Captain. I expect later to have considerably larger sums of government money to intrust to the vault, but in the meantime?er?I will leave this here." And Maj. Boyd Taylor, major and pay master. N. G. D. C.. I'. S. A.. removed from his pocket and placed on a shelf in the cavernous depths of the valut an envelope containing $30 in government funds. ? * * ?"T^HIS has b*?en a mighty bad season all along the Atlantic coast. If you don't believe it just listen to the wails of the hotel men who have been endeavoring to pay expenses while feeding more help than guests. They'll tell you all about it with adjectives rare and ornate, nnd declare, too, that never again?never, never again?will they irv to pick ;ip loose coin catering to heat-chas?d hu manity. Of course, th? weather has been re sponsible, It always is. and this year has been no exception. T^eaving out that snorting hot spell In June and a day or two at a clip since, there hasn't been any really outrageously violent r-aloric demonstration since. So the hotel men are very sad, and they tell you so. Fooled by this sort of thing. Fred Has kine of the J-Taskins syndicate beat it down to Atlantic City a couple of weeks ago. He didn't take the trouble to write for room reservation. Why should he? Wasn't this the worst summer the hotel people had ever known? So when he sot to Atlantic he had the pleasure of being turned down, pleaean'ly and otherwise, by gentlemanly clerks in seventeen hotels. There wasn't so much as bllllard-tablf space to be had th?re this dull and do nothing summer. Finally he located for the night in an uptown villa, in a little room over the kitchen, where he had the benefit of all the smells of dinners past, present and to come. After standing it one night he tittered a loud yelp and tore back to town, where he has been happy and comfortable ever since. One hotel at a resort not far from At lantic has a fine plan for evening up on a bad summer. Every time the guests diminish in number the rates go up. As this particular resort has really been very dull this year the rates of this hotel are now up among the stars, the establishment is gaining the reputation of being the most expensive and exclusive on the coast, and all the real peopie who must go where it costs the most are flocking there. A man with a little roll and aspiration to circu late among ready-money representatives for a while blew into this hotel last week and approached the clerk with a question. Said he: "I've got a hundred dollars and no more. How long do you figure I can stay here for that?" The clerk took a pencil from behind his ear and' did some figuring. "Well," said lie judicially after a moment, if you take a room -without a bath, and in the rear of the house, that ought, with economy, to pull you through till clay after tomorrow." The man who wanted to circulate among the nobs turned a beautiful sea preen and faded. can fix you up just the Pome mileage anyhow. "But I guess T same. I need *?**- ?nj??"**? Whereupon he took $5.25 and hand.-*! him a twenty-dollar bill. "Take this." he said, "and buy a thou sand-mile book. When York return me by * * * a you get to New mail the mileage you haven't used." And the scalper turned to wait on some other customer. My friend, who was having: his first ex perience of the kind, nearly droppe*! dead. "Do you do this sort of thing very for years he has been abused and pester- *rounrt ed and legislated against all over the THE common or garden variety of ticket scalper, despite the fact that country and in pretty nearly every state, seems to have retained, fresh and wonder ous. a sublime faltli in human nature. He seems to go 011 the principle that the average man is as honest as daylight, and. indeed, it is on this principle that of late years the scalper has prospered. He is willing to take a chance at almost any thing, and very seldom indeed is he stung. This, and more to the same effect, one of the fraternity told me when I was dick ering through dire necessity for a cul throat rate on a ticket to Podunk or some other plare in that Vicinity several years ago. Tother day a friend of mine had an experience that brings that particular bunch of conversation hack to my mind. He went into a scalper's to buy trans portation to New York. "I haven't got a thing just now," the scalper said, after looking over his stock. . i!?*(ig? Ilf? ai uunu until the scalper wasn't busy, so that he might put the question. "Sure." said the scalper, "pretty nearly every day. And do I get stung very often? I do not, not once in a long, long time, and then, as likely as not I figure out it is because the man I trust forgets ? to mail back the book or gets drunk and loses it or drops dead or something like that. Folks are real honest, though there are a lot of folks who don't appreciate the fact. Trust them and they will treat you right. If that were not the case ticket scalping nowadays would be a lost art. Mileage books and some forms of tickets are about the only thing we have left to trade in now. * * * AN elderly couple from an inland town, who were in sight of the> ocean for the first time in their lives, sat on the beach at Cape May last Sunday an* looked things over, it was a little !>? before the regular batiiirg hour. unl\ a few groups of middle aued tenia It-* m knee-length bathing .v.iits were out. Hut even these excited ti e attention of t; ?? paii- from the inland town. "How can a woman show her lin that way, John?" the eldorly lad.v m quired. and John- hadn't the answer . t hand. He didn't look yet upon the sub Ject. however. Then more folks turn ed out. ready for a dip. and finallv t old lady save a rasp and her fa<-e turr ed red. "John." she cried, "just look at t' at" And John looked and k<-pr on looking <>f course 'twaS nothing but a real fluffy ruffles of the beach, with a bathing suit of s.arlet, a skirt about six Inches long, silk stockings, tights, fanry garters and such. That was the first of ?bout a thousand of the same variety that turn ed out in ti e next half hour. The eldrt ly couple took it nil in. Mirandy. or what ever her name was. scandalized beyond mens-tir*. John mighty Intent, h.it not communicative. They were looking ;it some real well Known people. t?vi, hut they didn't know it. Finally the old lad-, turned to her husband and remarked in a speculative sort of way. "John, r wonder now if anv of them people Is respecta ble?" IRVING C. NORWOOD. "PLUG-UGLIES," POPULAR SONGS AND "SHAKO" H, A.TS ARE TOPICS OF GOTHAM GOSSIP ?pecral Correspondence <rf Tfc* 8t*r. NETW TORK, August 27, 1909. Jiew Yo<rkers extract keen enjoyment from the humoristical manifestations or their magistrates. One of them. Barlow by name, exuded a delightful comedy line only last week, ill" had Just dismissed a large bunch of subway rowdies. The rowdies had rais ed about nineteen different kinds of trou ble on various subway trains the previ ous day -a Sunday?and had only been jMnolifd hv police reserves after tremend ous all-hands-round battles. But Magis trate Barlow turned 'em loose with a mild little reprimand, the essence of which ?was" l>on t do it aeain. boys/' Whereupon the newspapers commented with some bitterness trpon Barlow's extreme gentle ness in dealip<? wKh tiie subway ruffians, snd one of the newspapers sent a man to ihe magistrate to ask him why he had dealt so leniently with the subway thugs. "Well. I'll tell you." replied the magis trate?though he didn't mean tjie reply to b? funny at all?"1 11 tell you. I didn't want to do anything to those young fel lows-tine 'em or send 'em away, or any thing like that?because I didn't want to disbau them from getting on the po lice forctf or the fire department in case any of 'em later on wanted city Jobs." The idea being, you see, that young fellers who have been convicted even of misdemeanors thereby become ineligi ble for Jobs as reps or firemen. Well, this Ingenuous reply of Mag istrate Barlow's has furnished the town with a large chortle, even If It has made the more serious-minded?particularly the victims of the subway thugs?sore all the way through. There is, you will perceive, a fine, subtle humor In the idea that a magistrate should suppose that these plug-uglies of the subways should ever be eligible for Jobs as protectors of the public peace and that he should give as his reason for not punishing them the fact that he didn't want to shut them off from that sort of employment. 1 f you had) e-ver been a passenger on a subway train on a Sunday afternoon HAKBSPE ARE, who knew every thing, was aware that magistrates possess what Is called an uncon scious sense of hu mor. But Shakes peare had nothing on the humblest New Yorker in pos sessing that piece o f ? information. ?when a bunch of these plug-uglies were "enjoying: themselves'' you'd be strongly of,the opinion that Instead of their hav ing: their eligibility preserved by a magis trate as protectors of the public peace, they ought to be sent for an indefinite period to Devil's Island or Tasmania or Siberia, or condemned to live for a few years in the bottom of a drained cistern or an abandoned well, or something of that sort. The great majority of them are second generations of Italians, Hungarians and other East Siders, who have about as much use for the amenities of public be havior and the governmental system under which they live as a Texas cotton farmer has for the boll weevil. They board the subway trains at the suburban stations, near which they're been playing Sunday base ball. Usually there are from twenty to thirty of the young ruffians in a party, and when a real wise New Yorker already on a suh way train sees a gang of this sort en tering his car he doesn't wa^te any time or stand upon the ord^r of his beating it from that train at the very next stop, but beats it at once and is glad to gpt away with his life. But all hands can't be equally wise, and a lot of the folks have got some place to go, anyhow, and so they remain on the subway trains and invariably go through battle, siege, and all but murder and) sudden death before they can extricate themselves from their hideous position and* make their bruised and battered and outraged way off the trains. The young fellers whom Magistrate Barlow thinks ought to make peace pro tectors at some future time don't waste any time whatever in getting busy on the subway trains. Usually they begin by tossing a ball back and forth, shaving the ball so close to the eyes and noses of terrified women and children as to make the situation screechingly funny for the rest of their mates. They vary this skittishness by throwing their base ball gloves at each other, and if their aim is bad and they contrive to deposit the evil-smelling glove in the countenance of some aged, inoffensive man or woman, why?haw, haw I?so much the better, hey, fellers? From this they fall to batting tl?"? ball aroand the car with their little bats, thus keeping all of the decent passengers In the car In a state of mortal fear that presently they'll be losing an eye or get ting a cauliflower ear or a crushed nose or something of that sort. Then some of the merry youths, find ing this stuff too slow and monotonous, as it were, begin to slam-bang each other with the suit cases in which they carry their ball-playing uniforms. On account of the motion of the train and the turn ing of curves It Isn't always possible for them to be exact In their way of aim ing the suit cases at each other, and so they frequently swing; the bags against ?he countenances of hysterical women and weeping little girls belonging to the women, and men. who are afraid to raise a hand to stop the ruffians, well knowing that the first sign they gave that they objected to the proceedings would be tlie signal . for the whole gang to Jump on them and conscientiously endeavor to beat them to death. Then, finding that one car is too con fries and the courage of a leopard at bay, you haven't a chance in the world to do effectual to protect yourself and the other victims, for when twenty or thirty hirsky young thugs, armed with base ball bats, proceed to make you the focus of their operations, you have about as much chance as a heron's plume in the neigh borhood of Tartarus. A couple of weeks ago a nervy pair of subway guards did make an effort to put AGAorrv* -??* s-* ARTISIC5 COIXARXS im-fHEZttB meantime the train whistle had been pulled "by one of the guards for the police, and a couple of stations farther down a big- gang of police reserves, strengthened bv a bunch of subway police, boarded the train. The cops went up against a little game of a sort that they'd never tackled before, even if some of them had pounded East Side beats for years. Nearly ail of tiie officers had their clothes torn from their l?cks. and they were clawed, kicked n MM Snnri Prrj* jw rmjcjrr* ' VFJUT ROT .WD JARIc, GREEN if 'ULLStUXPr GPt JWJL artHF see;. ? THE 'PLUG-UGLIES' HAVE A GOOD TIME." fining aiul restricting Tor their operations, these Sunday subway thugs with the bare ball gear place a hand on each other's shoulders and proceed to do the howling look-step through the entire train, back and forth time and again, knocking men and women's hats off as they go, and kicking in the shins of such of the men as they overhear even muttering objec tions to tills cheerful and uplifting stuff. In fact, you might Just as well be a participant?as one of the victims?In an Armenian massacre as to get yourself caught in one of these Sunday rough houses on the subway, ior, even if you have the physical conformation of a Jef MRS. BANGSMITH RECEIVES A GUEST ELL* how perfect ly dear of you to come to *ee me soon after your return from At lantic City!" -was the effusive greet ing Mrs. Bang smith of Mount Pleasant gave her raller. "How? You've been abroad! W.hy, liow perfectly remarkable! I had no Idea you'd been abroad. I supposed that you'd merely gone for your customary two weeks or so at Atlantic City. You ?weren't gone more than two weeks, were >ou? What! You've been away going on three months! How perfectly' as tonishing! Doesn't time fairly fly, though!" * * A "Well, my dear, I suppose you're tired find glad t<> be back, for I dare say you t?pent every minute of the time following 1 he Cook's courier around and How? <")h! You didn't make one of the Cook's tours, then? Just you and your husband In the party, eh? T don't know how I came to imagine that of course you went inclosure at Epsom Downs, and that she'd seen Mrs. George Iveppel there, and so on. Yes, she positively did! I couldn't help for the life of me but ask her if the bobby who put her out of the royal inclosure after the minute or so had been very rude, about it. but she pre tended to take that as a great joke, which Is her little way of turning off things that she doesn't like to hear, you know. "Are you acquainted with that Mrs. Feathersky? Well, she was in hero to see me a few days ago, too. with a long, queer story of how she had been spend ing several months at the Italian lakes, and she had the funniest collection of junky-looking earrings and bracelets and things on her, and what in the wide world do you suppose she tried to tell me about the brassy-looking, cheap.v weapy stuff? Why. she said?now don't laugh?that she'd bought the stuff from one of the Italian royal princesses! Here I am telling you not to laugh, but, actu ally. I myself had to laugh right out loud in the woman's face, it was so perfectly absurd. * * * "She said, you know, that this Italian royal princess had charge of a jewelry booth at a charity fair somewhere on L.ake MacGuire?Maggiore, is it? That's what I said?Lake Maggiore?and that that was how she came to buy the hid eous assortment of trinkets from the princess. Of course, she made that up abroad. Of course. I know perfectly well that you're not like that, dearie, but "Tell me. did you see any of those new tube gowns while you were abroad, my dear? Don't you think they are the vui garest things? I've only seen pictures of them, of course, but I wouldn't wear one of I hem. to judge from the pictures, to a dog fight, and if?? "How? The new tube gowns arc not meant for extremely thin people? Oh. is that so? By the way. my dear, didn't you gain a terrible lot of flesh while you were away? You'll have to watch that, you know. Really, you must watch it. T know, or at least I've heard, of a fat reduclng system that you ought to in vestigate. Some Danish or Swedish woman?T can get her address for you ? is introducing it in Washington. The thing you'd like about her system is that it allows you to just eat and eat and eat and gorge yourself while you're taking the treatment. ? * * "The woman who's introducing it was. I heard, a perfect pig for weight herself before she discovered this system of hers. Indeed. 1 heard that she weighed 180 pounds. Er?you don't weigh much more than 100, do you, dearie? How? Only a hundred and sixty-four? My, my, what a dreadfully poor guesser I am! "By the way. my dear, you've met that ?ei?well, that somewhat doubtful Mrs. Hotclip. haven't you, that lives right above us here? Well, recently she got ? DIDN'T YOU GAIN A TERRIBLE LOT OF FLESH WHILE YOU WERE AWAY ?with o::> of those parties of school teach ers or something on a Cook's tour. Per haps I thought that because it seemed as if you'd beon away such a short time. You know how those personally conducted parties have to gallop around with a guide book always in front of their noses and see things on the jump, and, of course "Bv the way. talking about jumping, ihat silly Mrs. Hitrplash was here a < otiple of days ago?she's been abroad, too. -so she nays, anyhow?and she had th? nerve to toll i??o to my face that i.oon f.>r u nilnnte in the roval race as she went along when she saw how I wasn't swallowing her yarn, and wasn't she peevish, though, when I broke right out laughing! "My dear, did you get that hat in Paris? No? Well. now. to tell the truth, of course, I really didn't think it looked like a Paris hat, but I thought it would please you 1f I asked you that. All of these folks Just getting back from Europe -and some that only say they're just getting ha?-k from Europe?get ill swelly and puffy and preeny and plumy when folks ask them If they got the thine* they're wearing while lh?-v were hold of a PariH model of one or" those ridiculous new sleazy capes, and she put it on the other evening and came traipse ing down here to show me how she looked in it. That is, she pretended '.hat she wanted to show me, but she timed he' appearance so that she knew she'd find my husband at home. She sailed up and down, trying to make out as if she was unconscious of how silly and flappy and foolish she looked in the thing?and my husband's eyes popping out of his head with admiration of the horrid creature ? and ! just guess maybe 1 didn't send her s??fnninis whwi I told her thai I thought i stop to the humorous manifestations of i big gang of the subway rowdies, who iiad reduced several carloads of people to an abject state of fear. They were good fighters, too. the pair of subway guards, but they got themselves beaten to a pulp for their nerve, and had to tie carted off to the hospital wiien it was nil over. Their brave example, however, aroused half a dozen or so of the male passengers to an emulative state, and they, too, tried to 3^e what they could do lo s^and off :he plug uglies. They were Incontinently piled up In a heap at the forward end of one of the cars and belabored with base ball bats until they were unconscious. In the she looked like something I'd seen at one of those 14tli street moving picture shows, and. of course, we don't speak as we pass by now, and if she ever dares to show her face in this apartment again I shall certainly "Dear me. I quite forgot, 'deed I did, (hat you are a first couain of Mrs. Hot dip's! Why in the wide world didn't you remind me of it before? Well, well! Uf course. I shouldn't have mentioned this matter to you if I had remembered the relationship. "Tell me. dearie, did your husband en joy the trip? The poor, dear man. he sadly needed it. I fear, for the last time 1 saw him Ivt w?s looking perfectly dreadful. He was walking along the ave nue as if lie didn't have a particle of am bition in life. * * * "Did you meet anybody you knew over on the other side? Not. of course, that that was likely, for you do so about so very little here in Washington, don't you. dearie? 'Deed, one hardly ever meets you anywhere. It's a shame, really, that you and your husband don't endeavor to?er?well, I mean to say that you'd have so much better times if you were to seek to establish yourself thoroughly, don't you understand? Because I should imagine that life would become dread fully dull for folks that stay around their apartment most of the time. And that, my dear, is what makes you so?er?well, fat. If you make a genuine effort, you know, you surely ought not to lack for invitations, and you and your poor dear husband would be so much better off for mingling more In social affairs, don't you really think? "You're not going already? Well, re ally. I am perfectly charmed, dear, to think that you tlniught enough of me to come right up and tell me about your delightful fortnight abroad?I mean, of course, about the nice little time you had on your trip. Your first trip fo the other side, was it not? Oh. dear, no; my husband and I have Quite got over our former inclination for foreign travel. We used to go quite often, you know, but now everybody, or nearly everybody, goes, you know, and one does meet such terrible Americans in Europe, don't vou think? "You mustn't fail to come to see me often, dearie, and here is the address of that fat-reducing woman. And don't for got what 1 told you about at least mak ing an effort to be asked out often it, and?goody-bye, dearie. Be sure and come again soon, now, won't you?" False Doctrine. 'THE late Dr. Theodore Wolf, professor ' of chemistr> at Delaware College, set office-holders a rare example of unselfish ness by having his fees as state chemist greatly reduced, on the ground that they were exorbitant. "Dr. VYolf." said a Newark man, "was a delightful lecturer. I often dropped In to the college to hear him. I'll never forget one of his lectures on quack,med icines. "He told us about an early patient of hi6, a man who dosed himself with about a half-peck of pills and two or three gallons of quack medicine e\ery week. "There was nothing the matter with the fool but all this silly medicine swilling, and Dr. Wolf told him so. but it did no good. "Then Dr. Wolf appealed to the man's wife to stop him. but she declared that it couldn't be done. She had quoted at him. again and again, she said, the verse in the liturgy that pointed out his sin, and " 'But where.' interrupted Dr. Wolf, be wildered, 'where does the liturgy say anything about taking quack medicine?' "Site was prompt with her reply: " Prom all false doctoring. Good l.ord deliver us!" and generally beaten in sjeh a way by the subway thugs that most of them had to go on the sick report at once. About a dozen of the ruffians were finally placed under arrest, however. .But they were all turned loose upon the community with a mild reprimand from the lips of the magistrate on the following morning; and on the following Sunday the same old game went on again on many of the sub way trains starting into town from the suburbs, and it was on the next morning that Magistrate Barlow discharged a big gang of them and then explained his dis missal of them <by artlessly observing that he didn't want to queer the chances of the "boys" of getting on the police force or the fire department by subject ing them to any sort of punishment that ?would make them misdemeanants. Mr. Shakesrpeare never overdrew any body or anything. But there have been funnier magistrates since his day than ever existed in his epoch, and if you don't believe that you ought to live in li l* ol* N'yawk for a while. ? * <4 ALOT of shocked ladies are writing in dignant letters to the newspapers about the anti-connubial tone of a whole lot of the most popular songs of the day, and some of the ladies even propose that a censorship be officially established on the songs of the sort against which they protest. ? Although, of course, there isn't a chance 011 earth that their protests or their proposition as a censorship on songs will have the least effect, yet there is nevertheless not a little meat in their argument. A lot of the songs that are being chanted and hummed and howled everywhere in New York these days un doubtedly have the effect of meklng the matrimonial business look ridiculous, especially in the view of the young and impressionable. You can't walk ten steps in New York, for example, without hearing the refrain of that "I Love My "Wife. But Oh. You Kid!" song. If that ditty isn't especially calculated to cause the youth of the town to regard matrimonial bliss as more or lees of a joke, and to look upon the af finity proposition as something not only excusable, but an affair of general prac tice and vogue, the present writer doesn't know what else It can be. Then there are a whole lot of songs being yowled around town, taken, most of them, from the roof garden shows, that make a deliberate jest of the rela tionship which is at least supposed to ex ist between married folk. One of them. "I'm So L,o-ho-honesome!" is a song that as chanted with many would-be meaningful winks on the side, indicating that the al leged lonesome man whose wife is away is in a state of happiness bordering upon delirium over the fact that he has man aged to shunt the spouse of his bosom out of town. The song about the man whose wife has gone to the country?"Hooray, hoo ray!"?is another one against which the sedate and shocked ladies are saying all sorts of unfriendly tilings. They do not exhibit any very keen sense of humor, it is true, in their way of presenting their argument, for they proceed 10 say, ex pansively. in their letters to the papers that it really is dreadful to suppose that any man should really want to have his wife away from him during the summer or at any other time; yet the thoughtful sociologist can't but be Impresses win the fact that a song of that sort, even if It have not the positive effect, certainly is not calculated to cause young folk t<> be profoundly Impressed with the sacred ness of the marriage relation?as the la dies express it in their letters. The song writers, when asked the;r opinion of all this, snort that they haven't anything? some of them say "noth in" "?to do with the effect of their dit ties upon the youth of the land. "Pos terity? What has posterity ever done for me?" some renowned wit once said when taxed in a similar manner. That's tin view of the song writers; and it is morn than presumable that the songs that make a joke of marriage will become more derisive in tone and therefore more injurious in th?*ir effect upon the im pressionable, right along. * * * THK other day I met up with Wil liam Ifepner. the theatrical wig maker, and he showed me at his j?la?-? some models of the way women will have to fix their hair in order to wear those huge, foot-and-a-half-high crcna dier's shakos that ate going to l?e the rage this autumn and wirdir, and that already are being exhibited in the milli nery windows. Yairy funny, too, that hairdresslntr style for the shako headpiece, and fir man who'll be able to look at his wife's hair done that way without rolling on the carpet and laughing himself to tl<e verge of hysteria will prove himself a cold-blooded Individual. The nairdress ing scheme for the shako reminds me of the way Papuan women?agreeable sav ages, not!?wear their wool: that is. messed up into a str^isrht column and bound around and around with string and kept additionally tractable as a <-ol umn by the liberal application of a. kind of cocoanut oil that smells like rancid butter. The women who wear (lie shako style of hair will no doubt omit the co coanut oil. bul they won't look any the less Papuanesque for all that. And they're going to be line to sit behind at the theater, those shako coiffure-' That is to say. they'll make it Just about as agreeable for tiio man sitting- behind one of them as if he were anchored be hind a large, side stone pillar or stan chion. Papuanesyue or otherwise, will the la dies wear their hair that way ? Tliey will, they will! They'll wear it that way even if they don't adopt the shakos. And, as a simple matter of fact, the shakos, crazy as they look and are. are not half so maniacal as the hair of the woman who permits herself to wear one of the things. CLARENCE U CV1A.ES. A SECTION ON ADVICE TO LOVELORN CERTAIN" afternoon newspapers of New York publish regular daily columns of stuff labeled "Advice to the Lovelorn." It's such rat tling cood stuff that we are of the opinion that Washington ought to have something like it We therefore submit the following samples, hoping that they'll do for a starter: Mazie G.?No, Mazie. we do not think you should be asked to condone the un called-for skittishness of your gentleman friend. While it may be true, as you suggest, that it was merely a manifesta tion of his sprightly, exuberant nature when hp dumped a chocolate nut sundae all over your back puffs at the Shipping Clerks' moonlight picnic, yet it is to be borne in. mind that at some future time an intensitication of this somewhat crude humor of his might result in his so far departing from the proprieties as to give you a black eye, if not two of them at It would be well for you to seek to es tablish this point conclusively before taking any decided stand in the mat ter. Perhaps it would be a good plan for you to master the intricacies of base ball and to learn how to converse intelligently and colloquially on tnat subject. By doing this yon might ne able to dr^w to yourself the conversa tion which the young man now ad dresses almos" exclusively to your father, and in the course of time? probably by the time the base ball sea son ends?the young man might show a disposition to talk with you concern ing other and more vital matters. Your first care, however, should be to try co induce the .voting man to sit somewhera else than on the fire escape when call ing at your home. It is not considered in the best of form for a young lady to entertain gentlemen on the flre es cape. even if she merely suspects that his call Is meant for her. * * * TILL.IE K.?We are compelled to say at HE WOULD SEEK TO SUPPLY HIMSELF WITH COMFORTS."' one and the same time. You say that \vl\en his jocose humor had passed lie offered to buy you another set of back puffs to replace those ruined by his mis applied chocolate nut sundae. This mifiht be well enough if it were proper? which it decidedly is not?for a lady to aicept gifts of such an intimate character from gentlemen. We cannot avoid the impression that a young lady Is taking a dangerous chance in accepting the at tentions of a gentleman friend whose overplus of spirits is such that lie might, after marriage, be guilty of the rudeness of throwing a lighted lamp at her while in a jocund mood. We therefore advise you to dry the puffs out and comb them over and see if they cannot be used again, and to dismiss your too-playful gentleman friend, or at any rate subject him to a period of strict probation. * * * SADIE T.?We are at a loss how to advise you. except to venture the ob servation that a young man who will sit upon the tire escape of your folks' flat for four evenings a week, talking base ball with your father, and only occasionally addressing some careless. Offhand remark to you through the open window, may well be suspected by you of evincing a certain lack of sincerity as to his intentions. The problem here presented is no simple one. Arc you absolutely satisfied In your own mind that the younj? man is callinir uuon you. or upuii your father.' the outset that your gentleman friend was guilty of an unpardonable rudeness. You write that, after a serious quarrel at a dance (due to the fact that he danced three times in succession with another young lady, although these dances were yours), he sent you, on the following day, a sheet of paper upon which he had writ ten your name and then drawn his pen through your name; and you inquire the significance of this. We cannot but be lieve that it was intended as a deliberate rudeness. It is probable that the young man Is familiar with race track customs. We are informed that when a race horse is withdrawn from a race a chalk mark is drawn through the horse's name on the blackboard at the race track, and when this is done the horse is said to be ?'scratched"; that is, out of the running. It is difficult to believe that your gentle man friend had anything else in view than to subject your name to this "scratching" process. We therefore advise you to have nothing further to do with him; for a young man who, either out of a sense of chagrin or the prompting of an ungovern able temper, yields to such an indelicate Impulse, certainly does not merit the re gard of a young lady who is possessed of a proper pride. * ? ? H ATT IK R?We can only repeat that it Is alwa'ys inadvisable for a young lady to give up a position paying $8 a week to marry a young gentleman whose salary is $7..-i0 a week, no matter how fond she may be of her suitor. You write that he ? has suggested that you could continue to work at your position f?fter the marriage. At the risk of disillusioning you, we are obliged to express the conviction that this suggestion of the young: gentleman hit ? an Insincere, if not an actually suspicious, sound. If you were to follow- Ins advice there would l>e the ever-present danger that, after marriage, he would resign hi* own position and seek to supply himself with what comforts and luxuries he de sired out of your weekly salary. You would do better to think the matter over carefully before making any false move. CLARENCE E. CUEEEN. Marvelous Spectroscope. THE new minister to <"hina. Charles It Crane of elevator renown, was on--" discussing with a Chicago reporter a ii"\v elevator invention. "That Invention," said Mr. Crane, smil ing, "is very wonderful. But, J'm afraid it's like the telephone spectroscope." "How so. sir?" the reporter inquired. "Well," said Mr. Crane, "there were twn friends. Blank and Dash. Blank was rather gullible. Dash called him up on' day and said: "'Hello, old man! You're looking vve'l These telephone spectroscopes ar? tine things, aren't they?' " 'Telephone spectroscopes? What are you giving us?' said Blank, suspiciously " 'Why, it's the latest thing/ said Dash. 'A round, mirror-like disk in front of th? phone. You see the person you're talking to. just as I see you now.' " 'Just as you see me? Rubbish! P<> you mean to say you've got one on your phone?' sneered Blank. " 'Sure, old man. And I see you plain in it.' " 'Oh. you do. eh? "Well, what am I doing then?' said the gullible Blank, as he held up his hand. " 'Why, you're holding up your right hand, of course." " 'Humph.' Mystified. Blank knelt or, the floor. 'What.' he said, 'am I doing now?' " 'Ha. ha. ha! Saying your prayers." was the reply. "Blank then held up in succession be fore the telephone his watch, a hat. fan; and Dash, at the other end of the wire, named the articles promptly and correctly. "So Blank, the gullible Blank, was eon vinced; and before ringing off he told Dash to be sure and send the spectro scope agent around, and he'd buy two from him. one for the office and one for the house." Mr. C'rane laughed, lighted a cigar and bepan to talk elevators again. "But how." stammered the reporter, "how was the trick worked?" "The joker Dash." said Mr. Prane. "had been talking from a friend's office across the street, and through the window h * had had a full view of Blank al! the time." No, He Never Bragged. KTHE average American millionaire" * said Upton Sinclair, in a recent address, 'brags too much about his wealth. "I stated this fact one day in the smoker of a Pullman. My companion agreed with me. but a fat man across the aisle, who must have been listening, leaned across and said sternly: " 'Young man, you're all w rong. The American millionaire rarely if ever brags about money. I, for example, nwv.-r bragged about my money in my life, and yet I'm worth close on to four millions!' " Consistency. From Life. Friend?What are you so sour about? Chronic Dyspeptic?Ah, I've eaten soin? thing that axrecd with me.